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EROTICISM AND INTIMACY : WHY SOME

COUPLES STRUGGLE

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EROTICISM AND INTIMACY : HOW TO
MERGE THE TWO IN A LONGTERM
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Many couples struggle with blending eroticism and intimacy in their committed
relationship. Many couples report the sexual honeymoon stage of their relationship fizzling How to Navigate a Breakup

after a few months of dating and after years of cultivating a more emotional and intimate Why Do I Feel Guilty all the
relationship, they struggle with feeling sexual desire and excitement. Time?

Why Does My Partner Need

Before we dive into the causes of this, I would like to elaborate on my definitions of
Space?
“eroticism and intimacy” in this article so you understand what I am referring. When I say
“eroticism” I am referring to the desire to be sexual and the excitement of pleasure. This can How to Stop Parenting Your
include fetishes, fantasies or kinks. It can also include playfulness and allowing yourself to Partner
be open minded during sex, rather than stuck in your head. Eroticism requires you to know Stop Trying To Fix Everything
what you like sexually or at least be open to exploring; it requires sexual expression and in Your Relationship
confidence. Eroticism does not always coincide with emotions or love, but it can.

ARCHIVES
Actually, we often see eroticism as an opposite of love, which is part of the
problem. September 2023

Now, when I refer to “intimacy” in this article, I am referring to emotional closeness. Everyone June 2022

experiences intimacy differently. Maybe you find yourselves feeling really emotionally close February 2022
to each other when you talk deeply about fears, dreams and insecurities. Maybe you feel September 2021
really emotionally close when you have had to rely on your partner and they supported you;
June 2021
or maybe you feel emotionally close to them when they touch you non-sexually and give you
a loving compliment. Intimacy does not mean sex, although it can be a experienced during April 2021

sex. March 2021

February 2021
It’s common for my clients to describe eroticism as “porn sex.” Almost like an outlet for
:
people who are just sexual to experiment with each other only for the purpose of arousal and January 2021
orgasm. Many of my clients struggle with bringing that concept and level of desire and
November 2020
excitement into the bedroom with their long term partner, because they are afraid of
October 2020
“disrespecting them,” or afraid of expressing themselves in a way that may lead to
judgement. August 2020

July 2020
Sometimes, my clients report only experiencing “porn-like sex” with each other and crave a
more emotional, intimate connection during sex and after sex. March 2020

February 2020
Again, eroticism and intimacy can be a challenging gap to bridge.
August 2019
So why does this happen? March 2019

How is it that you can feel so emotionally close to your partner, but not sexually erotic or September 2018

sexually open with them? Or how is it that you can feel so sexually connected with your July 2018
partner, but struggle with feeling emotionally secure? How is it that one of these does not March 2018
automatically translate to the other?
January 2018
In my professional opinion, experiencing difficulty blending eroticism and intimacy is a very November 2017
common dilemma that can be caused by a few different factors:
October 2017

1: You’ve stopped nurturing the creative, sexual component of your relationship because September 2017
you prioritize other things, (such as work, home life, children, etc). July 2017

2: You have convinced yourselves that the “honeymoon stage” of your relationship is long May 2017
gone and it will never come back or have the same level of intensity. You’re comfortable March 2017
being good companions and the hot sex was just a phase.
December 2016

3. You are subconsciously or consciously afraid of being sexually and/or emotionally October 2016
vulnerable. August 2016

4. You don’t know how to be sexually vulnerable or erotic; you have no idea what your June 2016
sexual desires or fantasies are and the thought may intimidate you. April 2016

5. You have sex mostly to satisfy your partner and to feel loved by them, but you don’t March 2016

experience orgasm or much physical pleasure during it. January 2016

December 2015
6. You don’t know how to initiate intimate conversations around sex with your partner.
September 2015
7. You lack self confidence.
August 2015
8. You’re overwhelmed and/or stressed in your personal life. May 2015

9. You and your partner are not connecting in an emotionally intimate way, and/or you are March 2015

too connected emotionally that you don’t leave much room to expand on the physical January 2015
intimacy. December 2014

10. You struggle with letting your partner completely in emotionally. October 2014

August 2014
11. You struggle with trust, letting go of control and/or being vulnerable.

12. You’ve never experienced eroticism and emotional closeness with a partner and have no C AT E G O R I E S
idea what that would look like.
2020
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Of course these aren’t the only causes that affect your relationship, but here is a good Anxiety
starting point. If you find yourself relating to any of these, then you may ask yourself
Breakups
immediately, “Now, what can I do to change it?”
Children
Well to start, please take a deep breath and kindly reassure yourself that nothing is wrong Conflict
with you! Blending sexual eroticism and emotional intimacy can be challenging for most of
Control
us, simply because sex and emotions are complex. It’s difficult to expose all of our
vulnerable pieces to one person. It can be scary! Counseling

COVID19
Start by asking yourselves the following questions:
Dating
1. What does sex represent to me? Defense Mechanisms
2. What does emotional intimacy represent to me?
Friendship
3. What messages did I learn about sex and gender related sexual roles at the different
stages of my life? (Childhood, teenage years, college life, “love” partners, etc). Where Gratitude

did these messages come from? (Community, religion, parents, partners, peers, Guilt
internet?) How authentic are they to my own beliefs? Intimacy & Sex
4. What does being “sexual” look like? Are their any negative emotions that are
Longterm Relationships
associated with this?
5. What does being “emotionally close” look like? Are their any negative emotions that Marriage

are associated with this? Misunderstandings

6. Where do I tend to go (mentally) during sex? Am I present, am I stuck in my insecurities
Motherhood
and/or thoughts? Why?
Past
7. Do I preform during sex because I assume my partner needs or wants something from
me? If so, how may this be negatively impacting my ability to be authentic sexually, Q&A
with myself and my partner? Romance
8. Do I know what I like sexually? If so, do I have any negative feelings toward acting them
Self Reflection
out and/or expressing them?
Toxic Relationships
9. What are my insecurities or fears around sex?
10. If the sexual honeymoon stage of my relationship has changed, can I identify why? Uncategorized
11. Do you feel emotionally intimate with my partner when we are having sex? Why or
why not?
12. List off all sexual expectations you have of yourself and your relationship. How many of
these are pressured filled and cause anxiety and/or avoidance?
13. Does sex make me uncomfortable in any way? If so, how?

Try this Intimacy Guide for more questions!

Once you start understanding yourself better, you can have more insight as to the personal
setbacks you may have and what direction you can go to start exploring the emergence of
eroticism and intimacy in your relationship. Ultimately, what this all comes down to
regardless of your own personal insecurities, fears and/or beliefs, is vulnerability.

I often discuss vulnerability in my articles, because it is the core of many of our behaviors,
protections and defensives. It subconsciously motivates us to push people or experiences
away in fear of exposing it. Vulnerability also has the potential to support us in ways that
help us feel extremely safe and secure once we have exposed it and find acceptance and
nurturing. Bridging intimacy and eroticism is extremely complicated, but it does in fact
require vulnerability, because each part requires openness.
:
Without openness we cannot be vulnerable.

Without vulnerability, we cannot explore what we like sexually in order to be erotic.

Without vulnerability, we cannot explore our emotions and connect with our partner
intimately.

So what we can start doing is working on being more open and mindful around our
insecurities, assumptions and expectations of ourselves and our partner.

Photo credit: Danis Graveris Sex Educator and Relationship Coach

Alysha Jeney
ALL POSTS

53 THOUGHTS ON “EROTICISM AND

INTIMACY : WHY SOME COUPLES
STRUGGLE”
March 21, 2018 at 5:19 am

The most important thing for any couple is communication, both mentally
and physically. The main reason for unsuccessful relationship is lack of
Valentina
communication. The best way to solve this problem is to talk about it with
Greene
your partner. This blog is really helpful, if you love someone you should feel
free to show it. Remind your partner how much you love him. Small gestures
of yours can make her happy.

May 4, 2018 at 3:01 pm

What if I understand all the above mentioned points and I feel we need to
talk. What if I have begged for proper communication but he never gives
Dueña Eve
it a sh*t. And pretends he is damn busy busy busy what to do. L love him
but I feel underrated all the time

June 29, 2018 at 1:50 pm

What if he is really busy??So you make it a point that you remind him
that you both have to talk it out and settle things..take him for a dinner
or to a late night walk or a weekend evening to a beach..make it work
Parameshwa
and your efforts might make a statement that you don’t want to be
ri
underrated anymore..good luck

July 26, 2023 at 5:02 am

The information given in this blog, no doubt is outstanding. A few

years back I lost track of my beloved Husband who only used to give
sameerah
reasons of workload and was keeping off me. Finally my best friend
Lisa gave me something powerful that saved my marriage life
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 Lisa gave me something powerful that saved my marriage life
forever! Thanks Lisa! Here I want to share it to you this info:
https://shorturl.at/hkxYZ . I hope it will help you, like hundreds of
women got benefited from. Best of luck dear!

December 29, 2022 at 6:37 pm

I talked to this counsellor and it helped a lot. wishing you luck.

=
Rachel

December 17, 2018 at 2:07 pm

Right its true. I agree with you. I think relationships depends on Equal
Amount Of Effort From Both People, trust your partner and
Flirtalarm24
communicate with love and care. This 3 things if you follow then your
relationship is strong and no one can break.

March 24, 2018 at 2:35 pm

Nice article. Very good advice to enjoy the love life.

Dawghouse

April 1, 2018 at 12:35 am

Communication is absolutely essential in any relationship. Have you ever

noticed how the happiest couples always seem to have great
Connie
communication?

April 17, 2018 at 9:07 pm

Exactly, I couldn’t agree more! Since I’ve realized this simple truth, the
quality of my relationship just skyrocketed. And also they say couples
Roberta
who play together stay together and they are right.

April 24, 2018 at 7:00 pm

I agree!

Tia

April 27, 2018 at 6:13 am

Thank for sharing this guys:) Really good ideas have been shared.

Trrish

May 10, 2018 at 8:23 am

Really great article.

Tomas

May 12, 2018 at 4:40 pm

wonderful article quite elaborate on the topic. Partners cheating has never
been a good thing to the heart and i do not encourage such in my own heart.
Natalie

May 14, 2018 at 9:44 am

thanks very informative

:
Rosamond

May 18, 2018 at 8:51 am

Nobody can predict the future. You just have to give your all to the
relationship you are in and do your best to take care of your partner,
Anjali
communicate and give them every last drop of love you have. I think one of
the most important things in a relationship is caring for your significant
other through good times and bad.

May 22, 2018 at 1:37 pm

I have been married for 15 years and both intimacy and eroticism are
something you have to work to maintain. Sometimes it seems like we expect
Scarlet
not to have to work in these areas but anything important to you is worth
the work.

June 18, 2018 at 2:03 pm

Thanks for sharing! Yes, it is something we have to work on constantly.

Sex, intimacy, eroticism and our feelings about sex/our bodies/our
Alysha
partner’s bodies/our connection are constantly changing!
Jeney

May 26, 2018 at 10:06 am

Awesome post. I agree eroticism and intimacy look like similar but they both
have the different meanings. You explained it very well in this article. It will
Barry
help lots of people to improve their relationship.
Dawghouse

d Thanks

May 31, 2018 at 6:43 am

best article,the points are also very good .The main problem is the not
communicating with each other after a period of time.because the don’t
dateclub
have time they both busy in there daily life routine.It is also a part of life.

June 7, 2018 at 7:49 am

Hey, you have always a good article

keep up the good work
Rohit
I had also written somewhat on relationship watch out mine also
Pandey

June 14, 2018 at 9:15 am

Nice article. Very good advice to enjoy the love life. hope will publish more
blogs as same topic.
dateclub

June 18, 2018 at 7:57 am

Thank you for sharing about relation ship really this is the nice article i
follow this article because this contain best ideas to protect our
what is true
relationships
love

June 21, 2018 at 7:12 am

:
 Nicely well-written article. It was an awesome article to read. Complete rich
content and fully informative.
Robin

June 24, 2018 at 2:37 am

This is a great read, I’m writing something on intimacy – will link to this
article!
victoria

June 30, 2018 at 8:21 am

i agree with your facts and i must confess i really enjoyed reading them.

counsellor

Sunny

July 1, 2018 at 9:29 pm

Hello,

Ann I want to do a guest blog on your love and relationship blog site. How is that
Shannon done? or do you allow guest blogs?

Thank you
Ann Shannon

July 13, 2018 at 2:39 pm

Hi Ann, please submit a contact form. Thanks!

Alysha
Jeney

July 5, 2018 at 11:11 pm

This was so insightful.

LizaJ

July 12, 2018 at 3:19 am

Can confirm!

victoria Me and my partner are definitely struggling with this :/

July 13, 2018 at 2:36 pm

Maybe it’s time to see a therapist? Check out the book, “Sex That Works”
as well. Could be helpful.

Alysha
Jeney

July 12, 2018 at 10:59 am

I enjoyed the article very much. This is my first attempt to seek help in
waking up my sexual self. My first blog read and responsed. After 33 years
Anya Wright
of marriage with lots of ups and downs I need to try something different to
get sexually connected with him and myself. There is a lot to ask myself and
to discover.
Thank you.
:
 July 13, 2018 at 2:35 pm

You’re so welcome! Check out the book “Sex That Works,” it is a helpful
guide into exploring your sexual self. All the best, A
Alysha
Jeney

September 4, 2018 at 12:37 pm

The intimacy between me and my partner started to fade.

Amanda

September 24, 2018 at 2:41 pm

When ur really in love it can’t be a struggle. My suggestions are random gifts

just because, bathe together and travel together. Candles, movies,
Kamilla
massages, etc.

October 26, 2018 at 11:16 am

This is very educational content and written well for a change. It’s nice to
see that some people still understand how to write a quality post!
Robina

November 1, 2018 at 6:52 pm

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

Alysha
Jeney

December 14, 2018 at 5:19 am

Great to read a post on this slightly taboo topic. Can I make another book
recommendation?
David
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Ester Perel
Darling

December 17, 2018 at 2:12 pm

Hi,
Thanks for sharing such a wonderful article. We have a lot of points but in
Flirtalarm24
short word I think Relationships depend on Equal Amount Of Effort From
Both People, trust your partner and communicate with love and care. This 3
things if you follow then your relationship is strong and no one can break.
It’s my opinion.

May 3, 2019 at 10:47 am

I think the most important thing is trust…

Danny

Mickel

September 11, 2019 at 5:33 pm

nice blog and it really helps

ross mae

paniza
:
 October 2, 2019 at 6:02 am

I know it’s tough to face relationship issues, I managed it well with a little
help. You can also overcome this tough time, it’s easy as ABC.
Jimmy

Fredder

October 4, 2019 at 5:18 pm

“Why Some Couples Struggle” is a really good article, I read it over and over
again. Hope it helps some others!
Karin

November 22, 2020 at 1:51 am

Hello,
well done this is very educational content, rich and fully informative.
David
I do have a similar blog.

June 24, 2021 at 3:48 am

Hello, it s very interesting article.. i think honestly it s the most important

thing, we should be honest always with partner and all
Igor

August 17, 2021 at 6:44 am

Insightful! Communication is always key to any relationship.

David B

November 12, 2022 at 7:39 am

Great article! Keep talking about issues when they arise. Me and my wife
already do this for 10 years and we are still as happy as the first day we met
John
eachother!
Ladykiller

February 16, 2023 at 4:32 pm

What a great article. Lots I used to understand but forgot & some really new
insights. Thank you!
Aubrey

March 27, 2023 at 7:55 pm

Very interesting article.

Jay Could it make a difference if your spouse and you are from different parts of
the world, say America vs. Asia?

April 14, 2023 at 4:16 am

This post offers valuable insights into the challenges many couples face
when trying to merge eroticism and intimacy in a long-term relationship.
SunnyDays
The author acknowledges the complexity of human emotions and sexuality,
as well as the importance of vulnerability in building strong connections
between partners.

One of the key takeaways from this article is that couples need to
communicate openly and honestly about their desires, insecurities, and
fears surrounding sex and emotional intimacy. By engaging in self-reflection
and asking introspective questions, individuals can gain a better
:
 and asking introspective questions, individuals can gain a better
understanding of their own beliefs and expectations, which can pave the
way for more fulfilling relationships.

The post also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability, as it is essential

for cultivating emotional intimacy and exploring personal erotic desires.
Couples may need to work on being more open and mindful of their
insecurities and expectations in order to create a safe space where both
eroticism and intimacy can coexist.

Overall, the article provides a thoughtful perspective on the common

struggles couples experience in their relationships and offers practical
advice for addressing these issues. It serves as a helpful reminder that it’s
normal for relationships to evolve and that it’s important for partners to
actively work together to nurture both emotional and sexual aspects of
their connection.

June 4, 2023 at 11:01 am

I appreciate this article is very polite

mazhar

July 4, 2023 at 5:49 pm

Thank you for the article, you are an inspiration to us all.

James

November 28, 2023 at 7:18 am

Thank you for the article, you are an inspiration to us all.

Paula

November 28, 2023 at 7:18 am

you are an inspiration to us all.

Paula

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