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W H AT TO E X P E C T I N C O U P L E S
THERAPY
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Written by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Owner of Modern Love POSTS
Counseling and Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box
How to Navigate a Breakup
“What to expect in couples therapy?” Is an important question you may be asking yourselves if Why Do I Feel Guilty all the
you have never done it before. Counseling in general may seem overwhelming, as you know Time?
it can drudge up feelings that you have been trying to keep dormant for a loooooong time.
Why Does My Partner Need
Add your partner in the mix and it can feel even more daunting as you both feel
Space?
uncomfortable feelings. Often times, people that have never done couples therapy can feel
nervous that the boat is going to tip over, not just rock. Couples can feel nervous about the How to Stop Parenting Your
process bringing to light that they are not meant to be together. All reasons for feeling Partner
nervous about reaching out and exploring couples therapy are completely valid and Stop Trying To Fix Everything
incredibly common. (And yes, the boat will rock and it may even tip over. Yes, you could in Your Relationship
potentially discover that you aren’t wanting to pursue your relationship; but please know
that in my 8 years of counseling, I rarely find that the boat completely sinks). ARCHIVES
If you are confused with what to expect in couples therapy, take a deep breath. This blog will September 2023
hopefully help you and your partner get a sense of what to expect in couples therapy and
June 2022
what are some potential red flags that could indicate you are not seeing the right couples
therapist. February 2022

September 2021
I do want to preface this list with an awareness that not all therapists are the same. Each of us has
our own style, approach and philosophies. It is crucial to schedule a consultation with potential June 2021

couples therapists in your area before scheduling an appointment to better determine fit. (Check April 2021
out these important questions to ask your couples therapist). March 2021
What to Expect in Couples Therapy: February 2021
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The couples therapist should be direct (way more direct than what you may have encountered in individual therapy).
January 2021
This is because we have to be able to help the two of you navigate the intricate dance of November 2020
your conflict style and we cannot be helpful in getting to your goals if we aren’t incredibly
October 2020
directive. A competent couples therapist should be willing to direct the sessions to help you
August 2020
both experience a different way to communicate with each other.
July 2020
If you’re working with our practice, expect that we will see you both for for one 55 minute individual session on week 2.
March 2020
This is because we honor both of you equally and we find it is important to assess the whole
February 2020
person in addition to the relationship. We like to understand how you view the world and
where you have come from that has helped shape this view. This individual session is not August 2019

meant to be a time to just express grievances about your partner; it is intended to getting to March 2019
know each of you on a more individualized level. This helps us better understand your September 2018
language, point of view and triggers when we encounter them in couples therapy.
July 2018
You both will equally feel heard, validated and respected, (and yes, even if one of you “messed up.”)
March 2018

The competent couples therapist, will always see you objectively. This means, we aren’t here January 2018
to point fingers or take sides. Regardless of what brings you into therapy, we are here to November 2017
help the two of you understand each other.
October 2017
You will learn tools to better communicate… eventually.
September 2017
It can take a lot of time to heal, reconnect and/or effectively communicate. Often times, we July 2017
are unpacking subconscious childhood issues that have caused barriers in your current
May 2017
relationship. We are working on creating a level of trust that most likely neither of you have
March 2017
experienced before. So please be patient with the process and don’t expect immediate
results. December 2016

You may feel like your relationship is getting worse, before it starts to feel better.
October 2016

August 2016
I tell my clients that the process of counseling is often like the process of losing 20lbs. In
theory, it’s easy; you eat less, you work out more. Unfortunately the process is often more June 2016

challenging then the theory and you both may find yourselves at a point in therapy when April 2016
you are sore for days and have zero interest returning to the gym because you are completely March 2016
discouraged. We are complicated beings and we need to be patient with ourselves and each
January 2016
other, as well as constantly give grace to the messy process.
December 2015
Expect a focus on the process in which the two of you relate to each other. Not a focus on the “he-said/she-said” content of
rehashing the same argument over and over again. September 2015

This is because we are here to support you both in restructuring the way the two of you August 2015

communicate and relate to each other in the bigger picture. Although content in arguments May 2015
can be important and sometimes what we discuss, it won’t be the constant focal point March 2015
because it truly gets us no where. You are not paying to have your therapist watch you
January 2015
argue.
December 2014
You’ll feel exposed.
October 2014
Couples therapy is a vulnerable process and you may not always feel fully comfortable
August 2014
letting your guard down. This is normal! We will guide you.

Expect to argue in front of your couples therapist. C AT E G O R I E S

It is OK to argue in front of your couples therapist sometimes and know that it’s actually 2020
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helpful for us to see how the two of you communicate. This is when we will often jump in to Anxiety
help slow things down and de-escalate the situation and help the two of you be more
Breakups
vulnerable.
Children
Expect the couples therapist to interrupt you.
Conflict
Part of our job is to help hold you both (lovingly) accountable for your unconscious actions, Control
as well help the two of you process your emotions and pain effectively. We may interrupt
Counseling
you because we want to help the two of you discover your vulnerabilities, not just sit with
your defensiveness and unprocessed reactions. COVID19

Dating
Expect to at least address sex.

Defense Mechanisms
It’s important to at least address sex, as it is a big part of your intimate relationship. A
Friendship
competent couples therapist will at least ask questions about your sex life even if we don’t
stay on the topic. It’s important to know that sex and communication around sex is welcome Gratitude
in couples therapy. Guilt

Expect to learn more about yourself and your partner. Intimacy & Sex

Longterm Relationships
For better or worse… It will all be empowering in the end.
Marriage
R E D F L AG S T H AT I N D I C AT E YO U A R E Misunderstandings
NOT SEEING THE RIGHT COUPLES Motherhood
T H E R A P I S T:
Past
The couples therapist just listens and never directs you two. Q&A
The couples therapist never interrupts or helps the two of you de-escalate from
Romance
heighten emotions/arguments.
The couples therapist doesn’t help you both reframe conflict or help you see things Self Reflection

from each other’s different perspective. Toxic Relationships

The couples therapist doesn’t spend equal time hearing both of you (or address why Uncategorized
they are spending more time with one person over the other strategically).
The couples therapist takes sides overtly.
The couples therapist never discusses sex, even if sex isn’t an issue.
The couples therapist lets you drive every session.
The couples therapist never addresses the elephant in the room.

Interested in scheduling an appointment with us? We are a small team of Relationship

Therapists that specialize in couples and sex therapy. Please fill out a contact form and we
will contact you within 48 hours!

Alysha Jeney
ALL POSTS

O N E T H O U G H T O N “ W H AT TO E X P E C T
IN COUPLES THERAPY”
:
 January 5, 2023 at 8:48 am

Therapy could convert into unnecessary fights without any solution , it is

duty of both the parties to communicate in a better way
Radhika

Potey

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