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: 5 WAY S T O E X P R E S S Y O U R S E L F
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5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard : Feeling unheard or misunderstood in your Search … SEARCH

relationship can be incredibly isolating. It can also be exhausting when you’ve tried
everything you can to explain how you’re feeling and your partner still doesn’t hear you.
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I often hear my clients report that their biggest POSTS
complaint in their relationship(s) is that they aren’t
being heard. They feel they communicate How to Navigate a Breakup
effectively and express themselves clearly. So what Why Do I Feel Guilty all the
is the problem? Time?

There is most likely a disconnect because your Why Does My Partner Need

partner’s perception is totally different or they Space?

don’t know what to do with the information you are expressing. We may not intend to do How to Stop Parenting Your
this, but we often end up trying to change our partner’s perception when we aren’t feeling Partner
validated. This causes conflict and we then get stuck defending why our perspective is right. Stop Trying To Fix Everything
in Your Relationship
The reality, is neither of you are right, but both of you are valid. When we struggle with being
heard, it can often be contributed to how we are being perceived. Although we don’t have
any control over how other’s perceive us, we can work on our expression of vulnerability
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and detach from our partner’s response if they have a reaction that isn’t fulfilling to us.
September 2023

We also have to remember, our partner is an insecure child inside at times of feeling June 2022
triggered and they have their own demons they are battling. If they are reactive to our February 2022
feedback or vulnerability, it may be tangled up with their own deep seeded struggles. This
September 2021
doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be abusive, but if you perceive your partner is guarded,
defensive, attacking or blaming, we can try our best to understand why without June 2021
personalizing it. Their reaction may not have everything to do with us. April 2021

March 2021
There is also huge difference between communicating clearly, (which involves
little to no emotional exposure) and communicating vulnerably (which has February 2021
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 everything to do with exposure and letting down your guard). Which do you January 2021
often do?
November 2020
Here are 5 things to try if you don’t feel heard: October 2020

#1 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Exercise your emotional August 2020

intelligence. July 2020

March 2020
It is essential to know what you are feeling! Seems simple enough, but often times we don’t
really know what we are feeling, we just know we are uncomfortable. This leads us to February 2020

subconsciously project onto our partner. We then create an expectation and are August 2019
disappointed when they don’t fulfill our needs. Understanding our own vulnerable emotions
March 2019
is crucial for your partner to fully understand them, too. How helpful would it be for you to
September 2018
be aware that you feel insecure about how you look, prior to having an upset reaction with
your partner when you project that they are looking at stranger with a wandering eye? July 2018

March 2018
#2 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Don’t default to anger.
January 2018
When we feel dismissed, it’s hard not to default to anger. Anger is a special emotion, November 2017
because it “protects” our inner fears. It helps us feel powerful in moments when we may feel
October 2017
really small. Instead of expressing anger, practice exposing your fear, insecurities or hurt to
your partner. Anger will most likely always set off your partner’s defense mechanism(s) and September 2017

you won’t end up feeling heard anyway. July 2017

May 2017
#3 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Be aware of
your accusations. March 2017

December 2016
I often her my clients say to their partner, “I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT IT
October 2016
PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AGGRESSIVE WHEN I’M TRYING TO
EXPRESS MYSELF. YOU APPARENTLY DON’T CARE OR LISTEN.” As an objective party, I August 2016
can understand that this person is trying to express their hurt feelings by expressing their June 2016
tolerance is low; they are feeling defeated and most likely really sad. As an objective party, I
April 2016
can also understand how this expression is hard for their partner to hear with compassion,
March 2016
because the stance is accusatory and it’s being expressed from anger. Now, we get caught in
a dance of arguing about who’s right, because most likely your partner wants to (naturally) January 2016
defend a misrepresentation of themselves that they don’t agree with. So if you want your December 2015
partner to understand you, not defend themselves, you have to be very mindful of how you
September 2015
are expressing your perspective. The second you accuse, (ex: “You did ______,” or “You always
do this______,”) is the second your partner flips the switch and stops listening to you. It’s August 2015

important to try to express your perception by expressing, (ex: “Maybe this isn’t your May 2015
intention, but I perceive you shut down when I try to talk to you sometimes and it really March 2015
hurts me. I feel dismissed and rejected.”
January 2015

#4 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Practice humility. December 2014

October 2014
Humility is important in a partnership. It requires you look into the mirror and acknowledge
that maybe you aren’t right, or maybe you aren’t being vulnerable. It helps us take ownership of August 2014
our behavior when our behavior isn’t congruent to our feelings. It’s important to confront
your partner with humility and own your projections when you can’t catch them in the C AT E G O R I E S
moment, (ex: “I’m sorry I came at you today with anger and accusations. I know you don’t
intentionally mean to dismiss me. I’m really hurt and feel disconnected from you and instead 2020
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of saying that, I got angry.”) Please remember that in a partnership, no one is to blame. Both Anxiety
people actively contribute to conflict, disconnect and hurt feelings.
Breakups

#5 Things to try if you don’t feel heard: Try to give your partner Children

the bene"t of the doubt by recreating your narrative about their Conflict
intentions. Control

Maybe you struggle with conflict or are sensitive to your partner’s moods/reactions. If you Counseling
try your hardest to avoid the scenario of feeling dismissed or having a disagreement, you COVID19
may not even realize that you start to suppress your feelings over time. This eventually
Dating
leads to an angry outburst from a nasty narrative you’ve created about your partner’s
Defense Mechanisms
intentions, (ex: “He really doesn’t care about me,” or “She is so needy or selfish.”) Our
attempt to avoid conflict ends up being more conflictual because we have stopped trying to Friendship
see our partner with compassion and understanding, (ex: “Maybe he doesn’t listen to be at Gratitude
times because he’s under a lot of pressure and feels like he is failing at everything. When I
Guilt
tell him I’m hurt with him, he just hears how much of a failure he is all over again,” or “She
feels so disconnected from everyone right now and it must be really difficult for her to feel Intimacy & Sex

disconnected from me, she just misses me.”) Longterm Relationships

Marriage
In a partnership, we have to constantly work on ourselves. This is key. If we constantly
default to blame and aggression, we will never be heard or understood. In the Denver area Misunderstandings
and need help with this? Give us a shout! We are happy to help! Motherhood

Thanks for reading 5 Things to Try if You Don’t Feel Heard! Leave any feedback or Past

comments below. Q&A

Romance

Self Reflection
Alysha Jeney
Toxic Relationships
ALL POSTS
Uncategorized

3 THOUGHTS ON “THINGS TO TRY IF

YO U D O N ’ T F E E L H E A R D : 5 WAY S T O
E X P R E S S Y O U R S E L F D I F F E R E N T LY ”
July 29, 2020 at 5:00 pm

Thanks for this piece

Fazal Mayar

August 26, 2021 at 1:43 pm

Going to use this advice on family members who give me the cold shoulder
when I want to talk about my kids whose hurtful behavior is killing me. I feel
Sonika
completely dismissed by their reactions and words. I never get as much as
Schroeder
an “I’m so sorry you’re hurting”. I think an acknowledgment of my pain and
the situation is all I need.

Thank you for this article

:
 Thank you for this article

October 21, 2023 at 2:55 pm

I do all these things and still I feel like I’m a bad parent with their child. He’s
not neglectful of love but refuses to believe that we both need to grow up. I
Anonymous
feel I’m trying to do this by going to work and washing myself and my work
clothes and paying for our food. All I ask is that I don’t come home to an
empty cupboard when he’s unemployed and has 10 hrs of me working to
buy food with my card. But he says he’s looking for jobs (which he is bless
him), but for 10 hrs? I know I am quick to get agitated so I don’t know how to
express the change without him shutting off from me and going on his pc
because hes upset with me for nagging at him everyday when I praise him
twice as much as with many many other things. But they’re emotional and
he doesn’t seem to understand no matter how many times I address it. I am
very much a person that will put myself in another’s shoes always but
sometimes even when I do that I’m being ignored.

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