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D AT I N G S O M E O N E W I T H B O R D E R L I N E
PERSONALITY DISORDER : HOW TO
IDENTIFY THE SYMPTOMS

Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can sound really scary.
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Dating someone with borderline personality disorder can also sound really serious.
Especially if you’ve never heard of a “personality disorder” in general or have any idea what
RECENT
it actually means. Mental health as a whole can be very nerve racking if we don’t have a full POSTS
understanding of what is really going on. I write this blog specifically because the majority of
How to Navigate a Breakup
my individual clients struggle with a personal relationship with someone that has a
personality disorder, specially Borderline Personality disorder… (and they don’t know it). Why Do I Feel Guilty all the
Time?
So What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to psychiatry.org “Borderline
Why Does My Partner Need
Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions,
Space?
poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to
How to Stop Parenting Your
great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display
Partner
inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness.” Studies believe
Borderline Personality Disorder may be caused by trauma, genetics and/or learned Stop Trying To Fix Everything
behavior. People with this disorder may also have comorbidity which means they have in Your Relationship
multiple disorders at once (such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc).
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Although this definition of borderline personality
disorder is accurate, it may not be incredibly September 2023
helpful because borderline personalities don’t
June 2022
always show up in this way. People that have BPD
February 2022
can be incredibly loyal, loving and empathetic.
They can be self aware, empathic and September 2021
compassionate. As their partner or friend, you may June 2021
be their ultimate favorite person that they cherish greatly; but they may also easily become
April 2021
possessive or are very irrational at seemingly the drop of a hat. Your relationship with them
may be just as pleasant as it is difficult and you may be really suffering as to understanding March 2021

why. If you feel as though you are questioning your own behavior, morals and/or reactions February 2021
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often, and/or have been feeling an extreme uncertainty about what is going to make them January 2021
happy again, you may want to read on.
November 2020

Here are a few examples of how you may be experiencing a borderline personality in your October 2020
relationship. August 2020

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline July 2020

Personality Disorder #1: Their Reactions Are O!en March 2020

Disproportionate to What’s Happening February 2020

You may find that you struggle with understanding their reactions at times and question if August 2019

you are being insensitive. You may find little things, (like not answering your phone), set March 2019
your partner through the roof. You are confused by their disporportionate emotions at September 2018
times and can’t logically comprehend why they are so upset. You may find yourself asking
July 2018
“why are you so mad?” which may only make the situation more reactive. You may find
yourself thinking “this is so irrational,” but you can’t calm them down. March 2018

January 2018
How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline
November 2017
Personality Disorder #2: The Honeymoon Stage was
October 2017
ELECTRIC
September 2017
You felt electricity that was unlike any “spark” that you have ever experienced in a
July 2017
relationship before. The sexual chemistry may have been explosive from the very beginning,
and/or your emotional chemistry was easy. You may feel as though you are addicted to this May 2017

part of your relationship and often try your best to get it back. You’ve convinced yourself March 2017
(and possibly friends and family) that the highs are way more valuable than the lows, and December 2016
you do your best to hang onto the moments you two are in bliss.
October 2016

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline August 2016

Personality Disorder #3: They Are Never Wrong June 2016

Because your partner is often very black or white, you may notice a pattern that your April 2016
partner does not accept accountability for their behavior, (which typically means they never March 2016
apologize.) They somehow find a way to make you feel guilty about something you did that
January 2016
caused them to lash out in the way they did. Even after the argument has settled, you may
December 2015
still find yourself feeling invalidated for multiple occasions. The relationship often feels one-
sided and as though there is no room for your needs or feelings. September 2015

August 2015
How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline
May 2015
Personality Disorder #4: They Are Deep and Emotional
March 2015
You’ve experienced vulnerable moments with them that have made you fall deeper and
January 2015
deeper in love. They seem self aware and able to articulate their experiences of the past in
December 2014
ways you may have never experienced anyone do before. They may have been in therapy for
years and talk a lot about their past. You find this level of depth intriguing, when it is not October 2014
projected at you. August 2014

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline

C AT E G O R I E S
Personality Disorder #5: Your Relationship Feels Like a Yo-Yo
2020
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You’ve never felt so loved and so hated by anyone, ever. This yo-yo effect in your relationship Anxiety
may lead to a lot of confusion, curiosity, hope and frustration for you. It’s a mystery and at
Breakups
times you may feel you are the only one that doesn’t get it, but you want to figure it out. You
Children
may find your inner child gets triggered a lot and you may get to a point when you feel like a
defeated shell of yourself. Conflict

Control
How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline
Counseling
Personality Disorder #6: You Have Anxiety, All the Time
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You may find yourself constantly confused, which results to a lot anxiety and self doubt. You
Dating
may not be able to identify the source of your partner’s shift in mood, or the level of emotion
that is being expressed, so you walk on eggshells. You may start to analyze your own Defense Mechanisms

character and become insecure or resentful. You are often struggling with understanding Friendship
the why of their negative or extreme reactions toward you, so you struggle with knowing Gratitude
how to assert your needs. You may ask yourself, “Am I crazy?” “Did I totally perceive this
Guilt
situation wrong?” “Do other people think I’m just a terrible person, too?” “Why does my partner do
this? I would never do this to them.” Intimacy & Sex

Longterm Relationships
How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline
Marriage
Personality Disorder #7: You Don’t Feel Trusted
Misunderstandings
You don’t ever really feel trusted by your partner, even if you haven’t “done” anything to give
Motherhood
them the impression you are untrustworthy. People who struggle with borderline
Past
personality disorder are incredibly vulnerable to the idea of abandonment. They want to be
loved unconditionally (like we all do), but they often struggle with trusting full heartedly Q&A
because they are often suspicious of people’s motives. Romance

Self Reflection
How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline
Personality Disorder #8: You Feel Guilty Toxic Relationships

Uncategorized
You feel guilty often and probably take accountability for things that you don’t believe are
for you to own; but you do this to keep the peace and to de-escalate the situation. Maybe
you’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser so this dynamic may be somewhat of a comfort
zone to you, even if it doesn’t feel great. You may become obsessed with the getting back to
a good place with your partner so you can become the most special, beloved, and needed
person on the planet again.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline

Personality Disorder #9: There Is No Room For Your
Feelings/Needs

You feel as though you aren’t allowed to have needs because every time you express them,
your partner completely dismisses you and refuses to accept they don’t offer these needs to
you. They may turn a situation back on you and express in detail how much they do for you
that you don’t appreciate or see. They don’t see your point of view, but expect and demand
you to always see their’s.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline

Personality Disorder #10: They Dislike Most People
:
Your partner may have a strong victim mentality and you start seeing it more and more in
their personal life outside of you. Maybe they don’t have many friends because, “they are all
back-stabbers,” or they complain constantly about their coworkers because they are all
“bullies.” Maybe their family is the total “enemy” and the reason for all of their suffering.
Either way, you can start to get a glimpse into their lens of the world, which is everyone is
against them.

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline

Personality Disorder #11: People in Your Circle Say, GET OUT.

You friends and family may have cautioned you multiple times about this relationship. If you
have been transparent with your friends and families about your partner’s behavior, then
most likely your best friends or close relatives have expressed their concern for you. (Or,
another example of dating someone with borderline personality disorder is the reluctance
you may have to actually tell others around you the full story of what has been going on in
your relationship because you’re ashamed, embarrassed and/or scared. So you often hide
your feelings and confusion from close ones around you and try to process it all by yourself.
You may also be in denial).

How to Tell if You’re Dating Someone with Borderline

Personality Disorder #12: You Are Terri#ed to Even Think
About Breaking up With Them

If you have questioned breaking up with your partner, but fear retaliation, their volatile
reaction and/or them self-harming as a reaction, this is a strong indicator that your partner
is struggling with BPD.

So let’s say you relate to most of these examples. Where do you go from here?
A part of you may feel a lot of relief, but you may also have a lot of fear about
how to proceed. The tricky piece to many personality disorders like
Borderline Personality, it is an ego syntonic disorder, (which means an
individual is unaware of their symptoms). This makes healthy longterm
relationships pretty challenging (if not downright impossible), because they
are often incapable of recognizing their (negative) part in the dynamic. If
everything is perceived from their eyes as your fault, you may never feel seen,
understood or appreciated in your relationship.

Ego syntonic disorders are also limiting in treatment, such as accepting the idea that they
could use individual therapy or couples counseling, because they often think everyone else
is the problem. The counseling experience with borderline personalities can often play out
where they refuse to come altogether, or participate but the moment they feel the therapist
is not on their side they can feel abandoned or become volatile. Or, they could find a
therapist that only validates their perspective, which may only perpetuates their victim
narrative.

If there is willingness from your partner to want to explore help, there are specific
treatments available such as PCH Treatment that are designed to support borderline
personality disorder that have shown to be successful. Often medication can help for the
other possible symptoms such as depression and anxiety, but there are currently no “cures”
for personality disorders.
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If you think you are dating a person with borderline personality disorder, my advice is to
seek your own individual counseling. You can gain support in educating yourself on this
disorder, as well as learn the tools to navigate your own feelings and explore your own blind
spots, and understand what you gain from this relationship. From that point on, you may be
able to navigate a conversation about supportive treatment with your partner or at least
have more perspective about how you’d like to proceed.

Alysha Jeney
ALL POSTS

9 T H O U G H T S O N “ DAT I N G S O M E O N E
WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY
DISORDER : HOW TO IDENTIFY THE
SYMPTOMS”
March 1, 2020 at 4:22 pm

It’s definitely tough to be stuck in a relationship with someone you care

about but who can switch so quick this blog was great letting me know I’m
lily
not alone

March 3, 2020 at 8:40 am

it’s really difficult to maintain such relationships but it’s equally difficult to
break up from that relationships because now you have fallen in love with
psychowelln
that person and love is love, love doesn’t understanding anything it just
esscenter
happens. i think seeking some good counseling session would help in saving
such relationships

March 4, 2020 at 7:22 am

It’s really tough to bear with someone you love so much but don’t get the
same spark from the other side..
Diksha
Loved the article.. Simple words put in adorable manner..
Sharma

March 14, 2020 at 1:50 pm

Wow! this is a nice post please keep it up. Seeking a good counseling section
will definitely help and it is a tough situation becasue of the love they have
victor
for each other
samuel

April 20, 2020 at 11:02 pm

I been there in your shoe, we began chatting and calling she very sweet all
the time. Every minute she text and call and after i fall in love with her. After
Yanz12
a week she began his personality disorder saying this is the real me, all the
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 a week she began his personality disorder saying this is the real me, all the
time she became moody, sometimes irritated and do you know she stop
chatting and calling to me and sometimes she ignored me for one or two
day. You know that last time contact her he told me that am seeking to much
attention and she told me i am watching my tv show and suddenly call and
she feel irritated, so what is my value to her? I tried to understand here a lot
cause i really love this woman

July 17, 2020 at 8:09 am

great your artical thank you for sharing information

Amelia

July 19, 2020 at 8:58 pm

It’s sad because we always give a second

Third and so on chances. It’s unhealthy and I am at my endpoint. Today after
Cheryl
expressing my opinion my boyfriend threw my
Clothes in the backyard and the sprinklers went on. Everything is ruined.
This is because he didn’t like my opinion. Not something
I can live with.

August 13, 2020 at 1:21 pm

Great article i really learned a lot. here’s are some tips i found that truly
helped me in my relationship.
Senti

August 28, 2020 at 7:21 pm

Why Every Happy Relationship Needs It

manish

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