Question with a Question

weclimb low steps- streets and. destinations

t b.
in Mexico Cit
y, Tworn
. . •k in o its when I clamp down. Stair· Olarq
change places. My teeth crac
to adentist as I suggest.finding .
one. In an alley an old mansed Sleao
. . .
boy with caramel corn. His kink 1s force-feeding children to death ueesa
on the window to show that I see him. Others war n me that h ·1 bang
revenge. Anurse seats me-she doesn't know how t o t reatm e takes
of calcium and metal bits. Ymouthful

(Ed's dream, July 14 , 1974)

As USUAL Ilie in Daniel's place, on his pillow, on the heavy indigo

blanket, and Ed lies under it. His skin has darkened, the side effea
of an MAI drug, and his features are abbreviated, pinched, wasting
back to his ·skull. Between us a tape recorder internally rotates. His
memory is the archive of many pages of my experience. I'm afraid
oflosing the shape of my life, a shape I can't recognize without help.
IfI step back (grow old enough), will I see it? Is stepping back equal
to form? Is form the stepping back? I waited too long to obtain chis
record· l'm the "he,, who hesitates in the proverb. S1·1 ent Ed returns
and the franti 1. . Wh replaces
c mage .. making has come to an end. at
this: the way 1· h ~ 11 . ' h dOws on
f
ig t ra s m the sickroom the mullions s a
the curtains Th d . , Ifill ent o
h· . · e ay will be incomplete. Is this the fu m
Is silence or a
' completely different silence?
124
 ABOUT ED

Ed begins, ''The first thing I think of is our big trip to Mexico and
r
Guatemala. A very magical kind of trip. Very glad to hear othe
points of view about, I don't know, certain things. To me it is very
rewarding to have the ability to do that. Make lists of the past and
incorporate them into the present. It happened in a part of my life
. "
when I was not very conscious.
I remind Ed that we made love behind a pyramid in Palenque,
He says, "I was so terrified, I was just beside myself Afederale with
a machete came around the corner just as we buttoned up. Two
seconds earlier and he would have caught us with our pants down,
literally. We were on LSD. When was that? My memory ... I remem-
ber the wild turkeys-they were blue-gray. Those things on turkeys?
Wattles, they had turquoise wattles. I depended on the wattles quite
a bit. They were sort of dirty colors. Regular turkeys have orange
and red and yellow in their feathers and somehow it all looks grea t-
oh there I go ..." He wears a jangled expression, as though he's hear-
ing bells.
"We were there for my birthday;' I remind him, "and for my pres-
ent Diana sucked one nipple and you sucked the other."
"Oh really? There was that bus trip to Chichicastenango where
everyone got sick and a boy vomited into a plastic bag over our heads.
I remember that. Just like me currently. I can't go out into the world
because I don't feel safe without having extra ammunition. A lot of
my fear was garbage from my childhood. I was never proud of that.
Not really knowing what I was saying or doing, what the repercussions
were going to be. I feel like I was unconscious about everything."
I resist Ed's account of his fucked-up self since it includes his
125
ABO UT ED

re1att.on ship wi th m e · I re m em be r dr in ki ng fro m lit

tle ho t l
c, to o m ov ed by a so ng f , d' t es in
care, ro m so m eo ne s ra 10. I co
. . nd uc t d a
despair, my ha nd s ra ise d 1n . e tny
th e sp ac e ho llo we d ou t by
intoxication
Ho t, stuffy, ra di o static. Ed
's ch ee k pr es se d ag ai ns t th
e window an~
Ir ea ch ed to wa rd it. No w it's ge tti ng ha rd er
to believe I'm b .
touched. Th e m em or y di m s eing
as I re ac h fo r it.
"Ed, we were in a cafe, th at
lit tle cafe by th e ai rp or t in
Tikal, and
yo u sp ot te d a dr ag on fly up
in th e rafters."
"A spider ha d ca pt ur ed an
iri de sc en t bu tte rfl y, bi g as
my hand."
"A butterfly?"
"C ob alt mixed wi th cerulea
n m ix ed wi th ultramarine. La
edges an d silver alo ng th e bo mpblack
dy line. I wo nd er wh at th e
place is like
now?"
"I t m us t be bu ilt up."
"Built up an d I wo nd er if it's
da ng er ou s:'
"Yeah, it co ul d be."
"T he jungle an d all th es e pe
op le ca rry in g au to m at ic an
to ma tic rifles." d semiau-

"G ua tem ala was go in g th ro

ug h ter rib le years.''
"I always th ou gh t th er e wa
s pe rm an en t da m ag e bu t
have gone th ro ug h th e ea rth they mu 5t
qu ak e: '
"Worse th an th e ea rth qu ak e.
A civil w ar -i t was happenin
we were th er e an d lo ng after. g when
Th ey m ur de re d a lo t of In
"Jee z- ,, dians."

"T wo hu nd re d th ou sa nd :'
"Probably th e be gi nn in g of
th e on e th at we have now. W
people be nice to each ot he hy ca nt'
r? Everybody's go t an agen
happens a lo t wh en I have da. I fio<l that
a ne w at te nd an t. Th ey wa
nt this, they

12. 6
 ABOUT ED

want that. Dorothy is the worst, a bright red sweater down to her
knees-that red allowed no other nuances of color, never allowing
different feelings. Can I have a little taste? Eating is difficult- it's
so hard to eat. And then she eats the whole bowl."

We start up again. "What happened that one night? There was

something significant that happened one night. Oh remember we
walked into a reserve at Tikal. We didn't know that there was a big
gate, just a light shining way in the darkness. And we did all our
playing and someone shined a flashlight at us and started shooting.
Someone in a shack. That was very scary. Any of us could have taken
a bullet."
"Hopefully he was shooting into the air."
"I loved Tikal, and Palenque was nice too, because it was
different."
"How different?"
"The colors, the butterflies, the clothing, the food. There was
that chicken."
"?"
"She spread it open and shoved it in my face. You wantyou want?
And I kept saying no no no so there was nothing for me after that:'
"No, we ate there, we had mole. She gave us the breasts and they
were huge and .flavorless. A hen with rows ofeggs inside. My mother
said that when she was a child the unlaid eggs were a delicacy."
"So they would kill the chicken to get them."
"That hen had been around the block a few times. A big laying
hen."
ABOUT ED

"Ves because I rem

11 ember the two ro
ws with four egg
side starting with m •
arble-sized eggs, g • •
s on each
etting bigger."

"l was self-absorbe

d, looking at mys
elf in a new way. I
being afraid, becaus gue
e I always was. Rem ss not
ember how parano
be over nothing? S id I would
o l would change th
a t- w h a t was your
I liked the spontane question?
ity that we b o th ha
d. T h at means a lo
So what was your qu t to m
estion again?" e.
"Oh, l was just aski
ng how we were re
lating during that tri
"l was relying on w p."
hat we had betwee
day. What two peop n us to get me through ea
le say is Time:' ch
"Remember when
we had that argu
nowhere? We were ment in the middl
stranded on a high e of
straight line to the w ay that went north
horizon, and we w in a
ere so furious that w
opposite sides of th e slept on
e road:'
We were a Beckett
play for homos, wit
leaf or none. The hi hout a shattered tre
gh desert road, pain e, one
fully molten moon,
of darkness below. troughs
The cold took the fo
guns. At dawn a bat rm o f men pursuing us w
tered V W slowed ith
down and we ran w
packs to the car, unit
ed once more. Pedro ith our
his car and then go , a civil servant, had
crashed
t plastered on a ga
pointed, "from the llon of clear mezcal-he
mountain:' Ed and
I bent his fender ba
tire stopped scraping ck so the
. Pedro kept roarin
g, "Take it easy, ba
put him to sleep in h{ We
the back seat and I
"And that pineappl dr ov e.
e:'
"What pineapple?"
"Remember I cut it
open on the road:'
"Was that part of ou
r fight?"
12.8
 - ---

A 80 lJ T tD

bu t do n't rep ea t it be caus e those were hard times, weren't

"Yes
re
r youth, it should have been mo
they? For being young and in ou
't the word I would use."
fun. But it wasn't really. 'Fun' isn
"No. We were too fucked up. W
e did lots offun things. But that's
the yo un g. 0 Ide r pe op le ha ve more fun. If they're going
often true of
fun at all . Do yo u mi nd tha t I ask you to remember or is it
to hav e
just frustrating?" u
o, I ha ve n't ha d an y un co mf ortable thoughts. I like when yo
"N
tough
ans a lot to me. But those were
sit in a room with me. That me
bo th of us. I ha d be en in a co uple of relationships but I still
days for
denied that I was gay."
t."
"Really? I don't remember tha
I em be r wh en we dro ve cro ss-country with Elin, and
"Do you rem
ation, and we ended up at some
I I felt tot all
truck stop, loo
y lef t
kin
ou
g
t of
for
yo
so
ur
me
co
thi
nv
ng
ers
to eat , and I was hysterical. I had
gas
ck et fu ll of ch an ge , an d I we nt out to the field behind the
a po
ew tho se co ins as far as I co uld. It was a very big open
station and thr
ling
etc h c
, ov ere d wi th gra sse s an d small bushes. They were sel
str
an d sn ac ks . I fel t like tho se pennies were the problem,
sandwiches te,
me . Bu t as I loo k ba ck , the pro blem was HIV. No, wait a minu
no t
os ed in 19 87 , an d we 're tal king about something that
I was diagn ts,
d these aren't even short-term fac
happened much much earlier. An
und awhile.
they are facts that have been aro
nt to say, so many things I want
"There are so many things I wa
d of
do . Ta lki ng is a cre ati ve pro cess and I really miss that. An
to
can't remember."
course I miss all the facts that I

129
A130 UT ED

1w an t to tell E d ab ou t
C hr is , m y ne w bo yf
ri en d, bu t h
in? lf C hr is tu rn s hi.
she ad or le an s ba ck
· on hi s elbo O\\T h
tofith·
occurs msi·de me g1· ga · 11 T h· W s, t e lll)
nttca y. ts day, I w an t et er ni
a great orgasm w it h ty to kn ge . sture
C hr is , th at I' m ha vi
ng sex w it h som oW 1
Instead, I tell E d ab ou ha.d
t a ne ig hb or on C li eoneilov
pp er . "T he snarly old
w ho shove d hts . JU
· n k m at·1 · . e.
m to ou r m at'lbox? "
leather bars ar ou nd H e' dr et u f biker
tw o a. m . If I he ar d rn romth
a crash, I'd go do
A t th at ho ur he was
dr un k an d ch at ty . H wn to helpe
e' d gr ow n up in th
m en t, yet he ha d a cl . . . ·
ip pe d B nt ts h ac ce nt " atap ar t-
. H e di ed on the fr
an d th ey fo un d his eeway
w in do w s na il ed sh
ut an d newspapers an
mail stacked to th e d ol~
ceiling, na rr ow ca ny
on s twisting through.
E d says, "So hi s ju nk "
m ai l w as a gift."

E d asks, "W he n di d
Lily pass away?"
"About six years ago:
'
"Eighty-seven?"
"Yes, I th in k so. So on
af te r I st ar te d seeing
seeing hi m w he n I w Loring. And I started
as forty. Sh e pa ss ed
aw ay -"
"You ha d a bi rt hd ay
party."
"Yes, yo u br ou gh t m
e an ei gh te en th -c en
tu ry sake cup that I ke
on my dresser. Lily di
ed th e same day L or
ep
in g re tu rn ed to New
H e ha d be en w it h m York.
e for tw o weeks. My
downstairs neighbors
me cr yi ng -t he y th ou heard
gh t it was because L
or in g had left. I was iuc
nant. 'L or in g will ne
ver m ak e m e cr y lik
lig-
e th at : In a way I was
since my grief for Li right,
ly was unalloyed."
"So yo u fo un d her?
" "
.
I was w it h her. It to ok
a lo ng ti m e to ge t ov . ute of her
death:' er the mm

13 0
 A BO U T ED

ult."
u w er e to ge th er ? W ow, th at so un ds diffic
"She died w he n yo
th at sh e w ou ld di e at ho m e. A nd sh e di ed
"I made up m y m in d in g sh e was go ne .
m or ni ng an d by ev en
. kly she collapsed in th e at .
qu1c ,
ha ve dr ag ge d he r to th e ve t bu t sh e ha te d th
I let her g o -I co ul d
lif e fo r a bi g do g. Every m ov em en t was
ng
She was si xt ee n- a lo H er bo dy
e m ed ic in e co m pl et el y fl at te ne d her.
painful an d th
ymore."
couldn't deal w ith it an
"Poor Lily." co m pl et el y lo ve d, to
ve a lo ng lif e, to be
"Well, lucky Lily. To ha G lo ir e
ck y Li ly ." I bu ri ed he r un de r a cl im bi ng tea,
die quickly. So, lu n- he r
d ap ri co t lik e he r. T he n th e ra in s be ga
de Dijon, beige an it
lik e no th in g I'd ev er en co un te re d. I ca lle d
grave em itt ed a st en ch le m -I di dn 't w an t
rd to de al w ith th e pr ob
dog soup. I begged R ic ha nd . Lily
H e re pl ac ed th e so il w it h fresh di rt an d sa
to run in to her.
m or e m es sa ge s un le ss yo u co un t th e roses.
sent no d
ly co m e ba ck -h e di dn 't ap pr ec ia te that~" E
"I told C hr is he's Li
Li ly , yo u kn ow , a bo un cy bl on d. A bo un cy
and I laugh. "He's like
be he ld at ni gh t."
blond who de m an ds to
ybody's door."
"Lily w ou ld ju m p in an ni gh t
to al l an d ra n ou t. C hr is is lik e th at . La st
"She gave kisses .
th er ha lf- as le ep an d I fe lt od d lit tle pops
We were sp oo ne d to ge e
m y co ck !' H e sa id , 'T ha t's in 1p os si bl e' -h
'Chris, you're fa rt in g on
w at th e tr ut h. " I ha ve th e sa tis fa ct io n of
ro
had no th in g else to th sake an d
h. H e do es n' t ca re ab ou t w it fo r its ow n
making Ed laug ogical.
ly laug hs w he n th e jo ke is ac cu ra te or scatol
on ugh.''
sp en t en ou gh tim e w ith him. H e has a great la
"I guess I haven't in g
do es . T he y ha ve th e sa m e laugh. Ic1s am az
"His whole family
r immensely. T he y all
t see th em together. T
ave big necks an d br oa
he y am
d faces."
us e ea ch ot he

13 1
ABOUT ED

The window darken

s and Ed slows dow
n. "It sounds likeh ,
a go od support system. W hen I h. k b
t m a out my fa
totally dysfunctiona mily h es ,re
got
l:' , t ey
"They' re better than so
your family and th
ily too. But they are ey ' re better than f
a family with their my arn-
own problems."

Ed's weariness takes

me along. I tu rn o
ff the recorder. My
to say I love you is needing
a problem. I want
to protest this requ
Did we say I love yo irement
u when we lived to
gether? In the abse
word "love,, we live nce of the
exposed. O ld relati
onships maintain th
ings, even as new re eir fail-
lationships are con
ducted with more ge
on firmer ground. A nerosity
re relationships tim
to be my young self e capsules? With E
even as we age, ou d I get
r interactions retain
that was his lover. W the Bob
e rarely talk about
our relationship. D
see it as a failure? D o we both
o I ? -b u t n o t our
friendship.
Ed snores lightly. I
tiptoe around the
carefully tuck him bed, kiss his forehead
in. T h en I climb b , and
ack in, this time un
blanket. Ed slowly der the
gets up, comes aro
und, tucks me in, ki
forehead, and tiptoe sses my
s back to his side.

I hear De
nny ,s voic· e. d
E is already up.
Denny are goin It seems Dam·e l, Ed and
E l' ,
g to 1zas, a Chin '
hood. Can Ed .
ese restaurant m t h neighbor·
manage t h1s · e
out of bed "I ? -w e only visit in his ho
· suppose Bob is me. I dra grnyse~
speaks coldl going to invite him lOn i' Ed
. y, ro 11' se lf a g.
Daniel and Den ing his eyes as though I constantly
ra anno y hirn•
ny retend not to no
nt, Ed asks mildl p"W tice. As we walk to he restau·
h , t .
Y, o s the other person ,,, W e tell h1
132, with us· rn
 AB OUT ED

there is no one else. "Of course there is;' he scoffs. I feel a little jealous
of the invisible guest that Ed seems to want. At the restaurant, Ed
stage whispers to Denny, "Who invited Bob?" Out of the corner of
his eye he catches sight of the guest who won't take shape.

133