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Let's Talk About It Paul L. Marciano [Paul L. Marciano] full chapter instant download
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Let's Talk About It Paul L. Marciano [Paul L. Marciano] full chapter instant download
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[Paul L. Marciano]
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PRAISE FOR
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT
AND DR. PAUL L. MARCIANO
“The new standard for conflict resolution, Let’s Talk About It equips
you to build and deepen relationships one conversation at a time.”
—KEVIN KRUSE, CEO of LEADx and author of
Great Leaders Have No Rules
“Now more than ever, the skills we need to bridge divides, find
common ground, and come together in joint purpose are even more
critical to our success. If relationships are the foundation of that
success, conversations are the glue. Let’s Talk About It equips us
with the necessary tools to build that strong foundation.”
—JEREMEY DONOVAN, Senior Vice President of
Sales Strategy at SalesLoft and bestselling
author of How to Deliver a TED Talk
Copyright © 2021 by Paul L. Marciano. All rights reserved. Except as
permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of
this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by
any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the
prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN: 978-1-26-047339-1
MHID: 1-26-047339-2
The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this
title: ISBN: 978-1-26-047338-4, MHID: 1-26-047338-4.
TERMS OF USE
and
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
INDEX
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
T
hroughout this project, my godchild, Amanda Eliades Zalla,
has been a godsend. Her tangible and intangible contributions
have been indispensable in bringing this book to life.
I am deeply grateful to the many organizations and leaders with
whom I have worked, but none more so than Rob, TJ, and Michael
Earle. Remaining faithful to their father’s core values of quality,
efficiency, and integrity, they have built Earle into an extraordinary
company. It has been a privilege and an honor to be part of their
journey.
I would like to acknowledge the following individuals for whom I
have great respect and appreciation: Dr. Eliot Brenner at
Klingenstein Philanthropies; Doug “Film Doc” Clayton at SES; Dr.
Jim Dlugos at Saint Joseph’s College of Maine; John Emmons at
Mannington Mills; Dr. Carol Henderson at Emory University; Bill Hills
at Navy Federal Credit Union; Dr. Alan Kazdin at Yale University;
Kevin Kruse at LeadX; Chris Phelan at the Hunterdon Chamber of
Commerce; Leah Pontani at Goodwill; Lily Prost, Daniel Krawczyk,
and Sharon Noble at Huber; Dan Rehal at Vision2Voice Healthcare
Communications; Sharon Werner at Marsh & McLennan Agency;
and Dawn Wilno at Core Association Partners.
My thanks to those who shared their insights and stories from
their “playing field,” including Kristen Avery, Josh Budde, Michael
Caldwell, Dr. David Desteno, Giles Garrison, Nancee Gelineau, John
Hellier, Diane Koury, Robin Lapidus, Jean Larkin, Axel Larsson, Jack
Licata, Sharon Mahn, Jeff Masters, Crista McNish, Erica Moffett,
John Parks, Krishnan Ramaswami, Laura Reilly, John Rice, Amanda
Seirup, Kriste Jordan Smith, Warren Spitzer, Robert Stanisch,
Timothy Theiss, and Joe Wingert.
I am so very grateful for the unconditional support of Jeanne
Murphy and Colleen Kelly of Mariah Media, who, next to my mother,
have been my greatest cheerleaders. Writing a book can be stressful
at times (or all the time), and everyone needs a friend who can talk
him off the ledge. My thanks to John Bradshaw for always being
there and letting me talk about it. With love to Maddie, Taylor, Brady,
and Katie whose lives give mine meaning. Finally, a nod to my
friends at Beehive Poker League, who have proven over and over
again that I am terrible at reading body language.
With gratitude.
—PLM
INTRODUCTION
I
hate conflict; I really do. However, I have come to realize that
avoiding it does not serve me or anyone else well. When I choose
to bite my tongue and stop myself from discussing an issue that
concerns or upsets me, I invariably become frustrated and then
resentful not just toward the other person, but also toward myself for
being too much of a wimp to initiate a conversation. Instead, I usually
end up complaining to others in hopes of gaining sympathy under
the guise of garnering advice. Sometimes I let my anger build to the
point of losing my cool, and I speak sharply to the other person,
which, frankly, is terribly unfair, as she may have had no idea that I
was even upset. After losing my temper, I end up feeling worse
about the situation because I have now demonstrated to myself and
others that I cannot control my emotions, let alone deal with the
problem effectively. Ironically, when we have problems in our
relationships, we often avoid talking about them, and in the process
make things worse.
Over my 30-plus year career, I have seen a lot of conflict in the
workplace and the damage it does to relationships, morale, and
productivity when it goes unaddressed. Among the more egregious
examples that still make me shake my head include the manager
who refused to speak to his direct report for two years, an employee
who was fired over text because his manager wanted to avoid
conflict, and two colleagues who did not speak for four months
because one failed to copy the other on an email. Obviously, most
situations are more mundane and subtle; I bet that a few examples
have already come to your mind. Can you imagine the total number
of interpersonal conflict situations that exist in the workplace at any
one time and the adverse impact they have on individuals and
organizations? Just think about how distracting these conflicts are
and how much time and energy they take to both address and avoid.
I have come to believe that much conflict in the workplace (and
the world) could be resolved or prevented altogether if people were
skilled at straightforward conversations. Have you ever avoided
having a difficult conversation, the simple thought of which caused
your blood pressure to rise and heart to race? Have you ever
regretted not having a critical conversation sooner because, in the
end, not doing so made the situation worse? Have you gotten
frustrated with yourself for not having the courage to address a
person or situation head-on? Can you imagine how your life might
change for the better if you could deal directly and effectively with
any conflict in your life? If you answered “Yes” to any of these
questions, then you did yourself a favor by picking up this book.
Difficult Conversations
A difficult conversation is one we believe will evoke strong negative
emotions and likely involve conflict. In our minds, the conversation
may become unpredictable and unsafe as tensions rise. Or, we
might find the topic of the discussion embarrassing, making us
vulnerable in some way. We might have to deliver bad or
disappointing news. Or we may simply want to ask a question to
which we fear the answer will be “No.” In general, difficult
conversations are those we anticipate will make us feel
uncomfortable and may lead to a poor outcome. Examples of such
situations include:
Healthy Conversations
I find that highly successful people are very good at dealing with
conflict. They address interpersonal problems quickly in a
straightforward, calm, and respectful manner. There is no finger-
pointing or drama, and the goal is not to make the other person feel
bad or guilt him into apologizing. A productive conversation takes
place in which both people speak and listen to one another. The
issue often gets resolved promptly, and importantly, both people
leave the interaction feeling complete and move on without
resentment. In short, they have learned how to have healthy
conversations.
You will read a whole chapter on helpful mindsets, but for now I
would like you to reframe difficult conversations into healthy
conversations. Just as people who are good at giving corrective
feedback think in terms of “constructive” rather than “critical,” people
who are good at dealing with conflict situations think of
conversations in terms of “healthy” rather than “difficult.”
Approaching conversations in this way can help decrease the
likelihood of defensiveness (on either side) and emotional escalation.
Such conversations are more effective and efficient, which is
advantageous for the relationship and for workplace productivity.
What makes for such a conversation? Healthy conversations are
characterized by the following:
A two-way flow of communication in which both people have
the opportunity to fully express their views, opinions,
concerns, and feelings in a safe environment without fear of
retribution or other negative impact.
Both people feel heard and understood.
Communication is transparent and straightforward; there is no
distortion or withholding of information.
The conversation remains respectful and professional.
Each person remains calm and composed.
What to Expect
The goal of this book is to make you comfortable, confident, and
competent in addressing and resolving conflict through healthy
conversations. As with my previous title, Carrots and Sticks Don’t
Work, this book provides tangible and actionable strategies that will
empower you to deal effectively with any workplace conflict. In this
book you will learn about the unconscious cognitive biases that lead
to systematic distortions in our thinking and how to deal with different
personality types. You will discover the minefields and gold mines of
language and learn specific communication strategies and
techniques. Perhaps most importantly, you will find many anecdotes
throughout the book and an entire appendix devoted to real-world
scenarios and scripts to guide you through healthy conversations on
your playing field. And while I certainly hope that you find this book
an enjoyable and interesting read, my greatest hope is that it will
make a difference in your life—both professionally and personally.
UP NEXT
In order to figure out how to address potentially difficult
conversations, it is helpful to understand what triggers them in the
first place. Let’s find out.
ROOT CAUSES
W
hen it comes to figuring out how best to deal with conflict, a
good place to start is understanding the underlying issues
and events that drive it. In fact, doing so may help us
prevent problem situations from arising in the first place, rendering
contentious conversations unnecessary. As you read over the
following list of common causes of conflict in the workplace, think
about how these situations were handled in your own experience
and how they might have been dealt with differently:
CEREBRAL CONGESTION.
According to Cruzel, cerebral congestion is somewhat frequent in
working oxen subject to continued concussion from the yoke,
especially among animals working on a rocky soil. The condition may
also be produced by prolonged exposure to the sun, as well as by
sudden and intense cold.
Passive cerebral congestion by stasis may be produced by any
cause markedly interfering with the return circulation (pericarditis
due to foreign bodies). Clinically it is of no importance.
The animals, previously in good health, suddenly appear
comatose. They are insensible to stimulation of any kind, the head is
rested on any convenient object or is held stationary, the animal
looks drowsy, the gait is hesitating or vacillating, the respiration slow
or irregular. Left at liberty, the animal does not seem to know where
it is going; indeed, sometimes it is absolutely blind and strikes
against any obstacle in its path, or falls and suffers from epileptiform
convulsions. The cranial region is abnormally warm. The course of
the attack is rapid, and the animal either dies in a state of coma or
convulsions or else recovers rapidly.
Diagnosis. The diagnosis is decidedly difficult; and the
prognosis should be reserved.
Treatment commences with free bleeding, the amount of blood
drawn being proportioned to the animal’s size. The sides of the body
may then be stimulated and a purgative administered.
MENINGITIS.
The generic term “meningitis” includes all inflammations of the
arachnoid, pia mater and internal surface of the dura mater.
These forms of inflammation occur in diseases such as
tuberculosis and in parasitic diseases of the brain. Under other
circumstances, they are rare, and may be produced by very varying
causes.
An epizootic cerebro-spinal meningitis of the bovine species has
also been described, principally in Germany. It seems almost
unknown in France, and French literature contains no well-
authenticated case.
Furthermore, an epizootic cerebro-spinal meningitis of sheep, or
rather of lambs, has been described in Germany, in Italy, and in
France. These descriptions are all open to many objections. It seems
that under the term “cerebro-spinal meningitis” have been grouped
cases of enzootic tetanus, doubtful cases of poisoning, and
particularly cases of cœnurosis in the first stage of development. We
therefore discard these descriptions, which differ too much among
themselves to be of any value.
Causation. Meningitis occurs in the ox and sheep as a
complication of wounds in the cranial region, accompanied by
fissuring of the bone, periostitis, abscess formation, etc.
It is also seen as a complication of fractures of the horns, and old-
standing catarrh of the facial sinuses. In the sheep it follows parasitic
catarrh due to the larvæ of œstridæ.
The meningitis appears, according to circumstances, in the forms
of local meningitis, anterior frontal meningitis, basilar meningitis,
etc. Finally, it may develop as a complication of different diseases,
such as gangrenous coryza, purulent infection, subparotid abscess,
suppurative phlebitis, suppuration of the eye or of the orbit, etc.
Symptoms. It is difficult to detect and interpret the first
symptoms shown, because these chiefly consist in dulness, want of
appetite and constipation, without any particular fever. At a later
stage, excessive excitability is produced by noises, by changes of
light, or by handling. Careful examination of the patients shows a
change in their expression, rapidly followed by contraction and
inequality of the pupils or deviation of the visual axis (strabismus,
squinting). The pulse becomes irregular, as also the respiration. The
appetite is entirely lost, and it is not uncommon to note a contraction
of the muscles of the neck and jaws, as well as inability to move
about and symptoms similar to those of dropsy of the cerebral
ventricles.
The chronic form is rare.
Lesions. The lesions comprise local or general hyperæmia and
exudative inflammation of the pia mater and arachnoid, together
with the formation of false membranes or of pus in the subdural
space. The meninges are partially adherent, and the superficial layers
of the brain are also inflamed by contiguity of tissue.
Diagnosis. The diagnosis must be based on the disturbance of
vision, movement, and appetite, and on the course of the symptoms,
as well as on the external signs in the case of such diseases as are
prone to become complicated with meningitis.
Prognosis. Sooner or later the case is likely to end fatally, and
there is no practical use in treating the patient.
Treatment. If in exceptional cases slaughter is objected to, setons
and blisters may be applied to the poll or the parotid region, or the
parts may be enveloped in ice bags or compresses of iced water
frequently renewed.
ENCEPHALITIS.
Encephalitis, i.e., inflammation of the cerebral substance, is very
closely allied to meningitis; in a great number of cases meningitis
and encephalitis co-exist. In other cases encephalitis may be found
apart from meningitis, and vice versâ. Moreover, many of the
symptoms of meningitis are to be found in cases of encephalitis.
Encephalitis may develop as a complication of meningitis.
Encephalitis may also follow abundant parasitic infestation, as in
cœnurosis (which will be particularly studied as it affects sheep), or
microbic infection, the commonest form of which in the ox is
tuberculosis. The encephalitis may be diffuse or circumscribed,
according to the cause, while the symptoms are varied and
numerous. Very frequently, particularly in cases of tuberculosis,
encephalitis assumes a chronic form.
Symptoms. The earliest symptoms are extremely difficult to
detect, because they are scarcely characteristic and because it is
impossible to ascertain the sensations of the animal.
It is only when the disturbances in walking, in the eyesight, in
swallowing, etc., are noted that suspicion is aroused.
The symptoms may appear suddenly. Nevertheless it is beyond
doubt that there are certain slightly marked prodromata, indicated
by diminution of appetite, wasting, and changes in vision. Soon
afterwards occur other forms of disturbance, which may be classified
under the heading of “motor, visual, nervous, and impulsive.” The
patients appear stunned, their movements are slow and hesitating,
they partially lose control over their limbs and display lameness,
with spasmodic movements of one or two limbs. Examination of the
joints shows no injury. The lameness may simultaneously affect two
diagonal limbs or two fore and two hind limbs, or even three limbs.
This lameness is of central origin.
The ocular disturbance is marked by diminution or loss of vision,
by strabismus, or by frequent unconscious movements of the eyes
and eyelids, and also more particularly by inequality, contraction or
dilatation of the pupils.
Nervous, impulsive disturbance is most readily noted when the
animals are at liberty. Even when the sight remains, they seem quite
incapable of avoiding obstacles or as though absolutely forced to
move to the right or left, etc.
Attacks of giddiness, moreover, are not unusual under the
influence of the slightest excitement. During such attacks the
animals thrust the head against a wall, or they involuntarily recoil or
make lateral movements. In many cases these vertiginous attacks
end by the animal falling and showing epileptiform convulsions,
during which it may die.
The symptoms are never the same in two different animals, but
they may easily be classed according to the above indications. The
indications furnished by the condition of the eyes and by the peculiar
impulsive movements are particularly significant.
On the other hand, there are modifications in breathing without
apparent local cause, and difficulty or even impossibility of
swallowing, etc., although there exists no material obstacle.
Diagnosis. The condition is often confused with meningitis, and
the mistake is not serious, because meningitis and encephalitis
frequently accompany one another.
Prognosis. The prognosis must be regarded as fatal. The patients
very seldom recover, and there is no reason for keeping them alive.
Treatment. Here, again, blisters may be applied to the upper
extremity of the neck, or setons may be passed. Cooling applications
to the cranial region have also been suggested. None of these
methods produces more than a temporary palliative effect.
CEREBRAL TUMOURS.
The brain may be injured and compressed by various tumours of
other than parasitic origin. Such tumours may originate in the bones,
the meninges or the choroid plexus, or they may simply be due to
generalisation of a previously existing tumour. Whilst of very varied
origin and nature, all tumours of the cranial cavity have one common
effect, viz., to compress the brain. This continuous compression
causes progressive atrophy of the brain, but its existence is not
always suspected, because the lesions may not give rise to any
marked symptoms.
The hind portions of the hemispheres and the white substance are
generally very tolerant. The front portions, on the other hand—the
frontal lobes and the grey substance—resent compression, which
provokes various symptoms in consequence.
The symptoms of compression and atrophy of the brain differ
greatly, a fact which is easily understood, inasmuch as the seat of the
change may vary, and therefore it is possible only to trace the chief
manifestations, which suggest the existence of a cerebral tumour.
The general changes are indicated by signs precisely similar to
those so common in horses with dropsy of the ventricles (general
depression, inability to back, long intervals between the prehension
of successive mouthfuls of food, sudden cessation of mastication,
etc.), by an impulsive or automatic gait, and by the assumption of
strange attitudes (kneeling down in front, etc.). When at rest the
animals appear to be in a state of continual torpor.
Special symptoms sometimes occur, which enable the seat of the
injury to be localised in more or less exact fashion. These symptoms
affect the vision (amblyopia, amaurosis, strabismus, nystagmus),
general sensibility (hyperæsthesia, anæsthesia, etc.), and the power
of movement (total, partial or crossed hemiplegia, want of co-
ordination of movements, etc.).
Trifling stimuli almost always lead to marked and even
epileptiform attacks.
The diagnosis of cerebral tumours is very difficult, particularly
when attempts are made to indicate their exact seat, but that of other
cerebral lesions is somewhat easier.
The prognosis is very grave, and in the case of domestic animals
nothing can be done. In the ox intra-cranial operations are difficult,
by reason of the presence of the sinuses which obstruct the approach
to the brain cavity; economically surgical treatment is seldom
advisable.