Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given in the

protection of wild animals and birds. Agree or disagree?

Currently, the loss of many animals and birds is a pressing issue that is widely discussed on
social media, wasting people's time and money that could be used to save these species .
However, I do not believe that too much attention or funding is given to conservation.

While many people know about the threat that the extinction of some species can pose to
their environment, seldom do they take any measures to address it. Wild animals such as
bears and rhinos are on the brink of extinction, the demand for their organs especially honey
bear and rhino horns continue to experience growth in many years. This is due to the fact
that some parts of these species are considered to have supposed medicinal properties
leading, contributed significantly to the decline of species such as bears and rhinos because
of illegal hunting and trading. Regarding this matter, although governments proposed some
laws to protect wild animals, they rarely impose severe penalties for those illegal hunting and
trading goods. In Viet Nam, newspapers frequently report on endangered animals and
birds but too few sections for people who are arrested for violating illegal hunting laws.

Furthermore, in less economically developed and developing nations, the funding is used for
economic growth instead of species conservation. Many government officials, especially
third world ones, prioritize human welfare over wildlife conservation. Resources including
human, financial, and intellectual resources... is fully allocated to how to motivate their
economy to allocate budget funding to other priorities. For instance, medical research to
discover treatments for deadly illnesses like HIV and cancer would receive higher priority
funding, potentially saving thousands of lives in society.

In conclusion, while the protection of wild animals and birds is essential for maintaining
biodiversity and preserving ecosystems, it is clear that too much attention and resources are
not being directed towards conservation because of the illegal hunting and trading of wildlife,
as well as the prioritization of economic development over conservation in undeveloped and
developing nations.

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: "These days, the loss of many animals and birds is a hot topic that is widely
discussed on social media, squandering people's time and money that could be used to
save these species . However, I do not occur that too much attention or funding is given to
conservation.

Explanation: The introduction presents a clear stance against the idea that too much
attention and resources are given to the protection of wild animals and birds. However, it
could be improved by providing a brief overview of the opposing viewpoint and how the
essay will address it.

Improved Example: "The debate over the allocation of resources to wildlife conservation
has sparked discussions about the balance between protecting endangered species and
addressing pressing human needs. While some argue that excessive attention and funding
are being directed towards wildlife, others contend that conservation efforts are essential for
maintaining biodiversity and preserving ecosystems. This essay will examine both
perspectives and argue that a more nuanced approach is necessary to address the
complexities of wildlife conservation."
Main Point 1: "While many people know about the threat that the extinction of some species
can pose to their environment, seldom do they take any measures to address it. Wild
animals such as bears and rhinos are on the edge of extinction, the demand for their organs
especially honey bear and rhino horns still record a growth in many years. This is due to the
fact that some parts of these species are considered to have some magical treatment for
some diseases which force illegal hunting and trading in black markets. In terms of this case,
although governments proposed some laws to protect wild animals, they hardly put tough
punishment for those illegal hunting and trading goods. In Viet Nam, there are many reports
about endangered animals and trees in newspapers but too few sections for people who are
arrested for violating illegal hunting laws.

Explanation: This section effectively highlights the issue of illegal hunting and trading of
wildlife, which contributes to their endangerment. The example of bears and rhinos is
relevant and illustrates the demand for their body parts. However, the argument could be
strengthened by providing specific statistics or data to support the claim that the demand for
these organs is still growing.

Improved Example: "The illegal hunting and trading of wildlife, driven by the belief in their
medicinal properties, have contributed significantly to the decline of species such as bears
and rhinos. Despite government efforts to protect these animals, the demand for their
organs, particularly bear and rhino horns, remains high. According to a recent study, the
global market for bear and rhino horns is estimated to be worth billions of dollars, fueling
illegal hunting and trade."

Main Point 2: "Furthermore, in undeveloped and developing nations, the funding is used for
economic growth instead of species conservation. Many government officials, especially
third world ones, feel that human welfare should take precedence over the conservation of
wild animals and birds. Resources concluding human, money, attention… is completely
spent on how to motivate their economy to have budget funding for other more important
targets. For instance, medical research to discover treatments for deadly illnesses like HIV
and cancer would receive higher priority funding, potentially saving thousands of lives in
society.

Explanation: This section discusses the prioritization of economic development over wildlife
conservation in undeveloped and developing nations. The argument is valid and highlights
the challenge of balancing conservation efforts with economic growth. However, it could be
improved by providing specific examples of how governments in these countries have
allocated resources and how this has impacted wildlife conservation.

Improved Example: "In many undeveloped and developing nations, governments prioritize
economic growth over wildlife conservation. This is often due to the perception that human
welfare should be the primary focus. For instance, in Africa, where many wildlife species are
found, governments have allocated significant resources to infrastructure development and
economic growth, while conservation efforts receive limited funding. This has led to a decline
in wildlife populations and habitat loss, which can have negative impacts on both the
environment and human well-being."

Conclusion: "In conclusion, there is still too little focus and resources for preservation of
wild animals and birds due to some causes such as the usefulness of the animals parts and
limited resources.

Explanation: The conclusion restates the main argument but could be improved by
summarizing the key points discussed in the essay and reiterating the writer's stance on the
issue.
Improved Example: "In conclusion, while the protection of wild animals and birds is
essential for maintaining biodiversity and preserving ecosystems, it is clear that too much
attention and resources are not being directed towards conservation. The illegal hunting and
trading of wildlife, as well as the prioritization of economic development over conservation in
undeveloped and developing nations, contribute to the decline of endangered species. A
more nuanced approach is needed to address these challenges and ensure the long-term
survival of wildlife."

Overall, the essay provides a clear and well-structured argument against the idea that too
much attention and resources are given to the protection of wild animals and birds. By
providing relevant examples and discussing the challenges faced in conservation efforts, the
essay effectively supports its position. However, the essay could be further strengthened by
providing more specific data and statistics to support the claims made and by offering a
more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer's
stance on the issue.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It
acknowledges the existence of a debate regarding the allocation of resources for the
protection of wild animals and birds, and presents a clear stance against the notion of
excessive attention and resources being directed towards conservation efforts. However, the
essay could improve in fully addressing all aspects of the prompt. It focuses primarily on
arguing against the idea of excessive attention and resources, but it does not thoroughly
explore the perspective of those who advocate for increased protection of wild animals and
birds.

How to improve: To improve, the essay should aim to provide a more balanced discussion
by considering and rebutting potential counterarguments. It could achieve this by devoting a
paragraph to acknowledging the opposing viewpoint and then refuting it with reasoned
arguments.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of allocating
excessive attention and resources to the protection of wild animals and birds. The stance is
evident from the introduction through to the conclusion. However, there are instances where
the clarity of the position could be enhanced. For example, in the third paragraph, the essay
discusses the prioritization of economic growth over species conservation, which could
potentially be interpreted as an argument in favor of resource allocation to human welfare.
This might create ambiguity regarding the essay's stance.

How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should consistently reaffirm its stance
throughout the essay. It could achieve this by explicitly stating its position in each paragraph
and ensuring that all arguments and examples provided align with this stance.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the reasons behind the
perceived lack of attention and resources for the conservation of wild animals and birds. It
discusses factors such as illegal hunting, insufficient law enforcement, and prioritization of
economic development over conservation efforts. Some ideas are elaborated upon with
examples, such as the mention of illegal hunting and trading in Vietnam. However, the essay
could improve in the depth of analysis and support provided for its ideas. While it identifies
factors contributing to the issue, it lacks depth in discussing potential solutions or
implications. Additionally, the examples provided could be further elaborated upon to
strengthen the argument.

How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into each idea presented,
providing more detailed analysis and supporting evidence. It could also explore potential
solutions to the issues raised, demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the
topic.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the allocation of
attention and resources to the protection of wild animals and birds. It examines factors
contributing to the perceived lack of focus on conservation efforts, such as illegal hunting
and prioritization of economic growth. However, there are instances where the essay veers
slightly off topic, such as when it discusses medical research for diseases like HIV and
cancer receiving higher priority funding. While relevant to the broader discussion of resource
allocation, this example does not directly address the protection of wild animals and birds.

How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all examples and
arguments directly relate to the topic of conservation of wild animals and birds. It could
achieve this by refraining from including tangential examples and instead focusing solely on
supporting its main arguments.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization by presenting

arguments in a clear sequence. It begins with an introduction that outlines the issue of
conservation of wild animals and birds. Subsequently, it discusses reasons for the
insufficient attention given to conservation efforts, including illegal hunting and trading, as
well as prioritization of economic growth over conservation. Finally, the conclusion
summarizes the main points effectively.

How to improve: While the essay maintains a logical flow overall, enhancing transitions
between paragraphs could further improve coherence. Consider using transitional phrases to
smoothly connect ideas and improve the overall readability of the essay.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct paragraphs

focusing on different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph contains a clear topic
sentence followed by supporting details. However, there are a few instances where
paragraph breaks could be utilized more effectively to enhance clarity and coherence.

How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea or argument,
and consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and
organization. Additionally, use topic sentences to clearly introduce the main point of each
paragraph.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices such as

conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "in conclusion") and transitional phrases (e.g.,
"while," "for instance"). These cohesive devices help to connect ideas and create coherence
within the essay.

How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively overall, diversifying the
range of cohesive devices used could further enhance coherence. Consider incorporating
additional cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), synonyms, and parallel
structures to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve overall cohesion.
Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to
maintain coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion, with
clear organization, effective paragraphing, and appropriate use of cohesive devices. By
refining transitions between paragraphs and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used,
the essay could further improve coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the clarity
and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, including
terms like "extinction," "conservation," "illegal hunting," "undeveloped nations," "endangered
animals," and "third world." However, there are instances where more precise and varied
vocabulary could enhance the lexical richness of the essay.

How to improve: To improve the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and
related terms where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "wild animals,"
you can vary it with phrases like "fauna," "wildlife species," or specific animal names like
"bears," "rhinos," etc., to add depth to your vocabulary.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are a
few instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "economic
growth" is broad; specifying whether it refers to GDP growth, industrial development, or
other aspects would make the argument more precise.

How to improve: Aim for specificity in your vocabulary. Instead of general terms like
"economic growth," specify what aspect of growth is being discussed, such as "agricultural
development," "infrastructure investments," or "export diversification."

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy,

with no major spelling errors noted. However, there are a few minor issues such as "occur"
(should be "believe"), "squandering" (awkward usage), and grammatical errors like "demand
for their organs especially honey bear and rhino horns still record a growth in many years"
(awkward phrasing).

How to improve: Pay close attention to word choice and sentence structure to ensure clarity
and accuracy. Consider proofreading for awkward phrases or grammatical errors to improve
the overall readability and coherence of your writing.

Overall, your essay exhibits a good grasp of vocabulary and spelling, with room for
improvement in precision and fluency. Focus on using a wider range of vocabulary,
employing precise terms, and refining your sentence structures to enhance the lexical
resource aspect of your writing. Keep practicing and seeking feedback to continuously
improve your language skills.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures,

including complex and compound sentences. For instance, it employs conditional sentences
("While many people know about the threat...") and relative clauses ("Wild animals such as
bears and rhinos..."). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of structures.
More variety in sentence types such as passive constructions, inverted sentences, or
participial phrases could enhance the richness of expression.

How to improve: To diversify the sentence structures, consider incorporating passive voice
constructions to vary sentence beginnings ("Many government officials, especially those in
developing nations..."). Additionally, utilizing participial phrases ("Resources, including
human, money, and attention, are completely spent on...") or employing inverted sentences
("Only when governments prioritize species conservation over economic growth will there be
significant progress...") can add complexity and sophistication to the writing.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate grammar and punctuation.
However, there are some notable errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("However,
I do not occur that too much attention or funding is given..."), tense inconsistencies ("Wild
animals such as bears and rhinos are on the edge of extinction, the demand for their
organs..."), and punctuation mistakes ("In Viet Nam, there are many reports about
endangered animals and trees in newspapers but too few sections for people who are
arrested for violating illegal hunting laws."). These errors slightly impede the clarity and
coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb

agreement by ensuring that the verb agrees with the subject in number and person.
Consistency in verb tense usage throughout the essay is crucial for coherence. Additionally,
review the appropriate use of punctuation marks, particularly commas and conjunctions, to
clarify the relationships between ideas within sentences. Proofreading the essay thoroughly
for grammatical errors before submission can help eliminate such mistakes and improve
overall clarity.
Bài chữa tham khảo
These days, the loss of many animals and birds is a pressing issue that is widely discussed
on social media, often wasting people's time and money that could be used to save these
species. However, I do not believe that too much attention or funding is given to
conservation.

While many people are aware of the threat that the extinction of some species can pose to
their environment, they rarely take any measures to address it. Wild animals such as bears
and rhinos are on the brink of extinction, yet the demand for their organs, especially honey
bear and rhino horns, continues to experience growth over the years. This is due to the
supposed medicinal properties attributed to some parts of these species, leading to illegal
hunting and trading on black markets. Regarding this matter, although governments propose
some laws to protect wild animals, they rarely impose severe penalties for those involved in
illegal hunting and trading goods. In Vietnam, newspapers frequently report on endangered
animals and trees, but there is insufficient coverage of individuals arrested for violating illegal
hunting laws.

Furthermore, in less economically developed and developing nations, resources are often
allocated to prioritize human welfare over wildlife conservation. Many government officials,
especially in third world countries, feel that human welfare should take precedence over the
conservation of wild animals and birds. Resources, including human, financial, and
intellectual resources, are fully allocated to strategies aimed at economic growth, with
budget funding directed towards other more immediate priorities. For instance, medical
research to discover treatments for deadly illnesses like HIV and cancer would receive
higher priority funding, potentially saving thousands of lives in society.

In conclusion, there remains insufficient focus and allocation of resources for the
conservation of wildlife due to various factors such as the perceived usefulness of animal
parts and limited resources available.