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ISBN: 9781633692725
eISBN: 9781633692732
What You’ll Learn

It’s been two decades since Daniel Goleman’s research


showed that emotional intelligence is twice as important
as other skills in determining outstanding leadership. By
managing your emotions and relating well to others, he
explained, you can achieve higher levels of influence as
well as personal well-being.
This kind of emotional intelligence is not just an in-
nate trait: It can be learned. Becoming more finely at-
tuned to your own emotions allows you to determine how
to use those feelings more productively to make stronger
decisions, overcome negative thoughts, control yourself
in volatile situations, or understand others when they act
in a way that surprises or angers you. Getting feedback
from trusted colleagues and friends can keep you honest
and aware of your areas of weakness, especially in the so-
cial sphere. And whether you’re writing a difficult email,
looking to keep your cool in a bitter negotiation, or man-
aging an upset direct report, an array of frameworks and
tactics can help you approach the situation in a way that
takes the human element into account.
What You'll Learn

This guide will help you navigate these approaches.


You’ll get better at:

• Identifying and managing your own emotions

• Persuading and influencing others

• Dealing with difficult colleagues

• Responding to stress productively

• Defusing tense conversations

• Using your feelings as data to help you make


smarter decisions

• Avoiding emotional pitfalls in a negotiation

• Reacting to tough situations with resilience

• Helping others on your team develop their emo-


tional intelligence

• Developing a strong emotional culture


Contents

SECTION ONE

What Is Emotional Intelligence?


1. Leading by Feel 3
Definitions and reflections from experts.

2. Do You Lead with Emotional Intelligence? 23


Quiz yourself.
BY ANNIE MCKEE

SECTION TWO

Self-Awareness: Understand Your


Emotions, Know Your Behaviors
3. You Can’t Manage Emotions Without
Knowing What They Really Are 31
Don’t just try to ignore your negative
feelings.
BY ART MARKMAN

4. A Vocabulary for Your Emotions 35


Get precise.
BY SUSAN DAVID
Table of Contents

5. Are You Sure You Show Respect? 43


No other leadership behavior has a bigger
effect on employees.
BY CHRISTINE PORATH

SECTION THREE

Manage Your Emotions


6. Make Your Emotions Work for You 53
Use them as data.
BY SUSAN DAVID

7. Defuse a Challenging Interaction 57


Reframe negative thoughts and neutralize
bad behavior.

8. Stay Grounded in Stressful Moments 61


Use your body to take a break from your
mind’s chatter.
BY LEAH WEISS

9. Recovering from an Emotional Outburst 67


You can’t just apologize and move on.
BY SUSAN DAVID

SECTION FOUR

Everyday Emotional Intelligence


10. Writing Resonant Emails 73
Human communication for the digital age.
BY ANDREW BRODSKY

viii
Table of Contents

11. Running Powerful Meetings 79


Use empathy to understand potential
conflicts.
BY ANNIE MCKEE

12. Giving Difficult Feedback 85


Spark growth rather than frustration.
BY MONIQUE VALCOUR

13. Making Smart Decisions 91


Emotional tagging both helps and hinders
our ability to choose.
BY ANDREW CAMPBELL, JO WHITEHEAD,
AND SYDNEY FINKELSTEIN

14. An Emotional Strategy for Negotiations 97


How to avoid the pitfalls of anxiety and anger.
BY ALISON WOOD BROOKS

15. Working Across Cultures 117


It’s harder to read others across borders.
BY ANDY MOLINSKY

SECTION FIVE

Dealing with Difficult People


16. Make Your Enemies Your Allies 123
Reverse a rivalry by building trust.
BY BRIAN UZZI AND SHANNON DUNLAP

17. How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive


Colleague 135
Cut to the underlying issues.
BY AMY GALLO

ix
Table of Contents

18. What to Do If You’re a Toxic Handler 145


Don’t be a hero.
BY SANDRA L. ROBINSON AND KIRA SCHABRAM

SECTION SIX

Understand Empathy
19. What Is Empathy? 159
Three types critical for leaders.
BY DANIEL GOLEMAN

20. Beyond Empathy: The Power of Compassion 165


The Dalai Lama, cognitive science, and
the power of caring.
BY DANIEL GOLEMAN (INTERVIEWED BY ANDREA OVANS)

SECTION SEVEN

Build Your Resilience


21. Resilience in the Moment 175
Recovering your self-image.

22. Cultivate Resilience in Tough Times 181


Three traits of people who emerge stronger
from trauma.
BY DIANE COUTU

23. Practice Self-Compassion 185


Treat yourself as you would others.
BY CHRISTOPHER GERMER

24. Don’t Endure; Recharge 195


Resilience isn’t about powering through.
BY SHAWN ACHOR AND MICHELLE GIELAN

x
Table of Contents

25. How Resilient Are You? 203


A self-assessment.
BY MANFRED F. R. KETS DE VRIES

SECTION EIGHT

Developing Emotional Intelligence


on Your Team
26. How to Help Someone Develop Emotional
Intelligence 213
It’s not as easy as a carrot or a stick.
BY ANNIE MCKEE

27. Handling Emotional Outbursts on Your Team 219


Watch for facts, emotions, and values.
BY LIANE DAVEY

28. How to Manage Your Emotional Culture 225


Translate the organization’s mission to the
micromoments of everyday work life.
BY SIGAL BARSADE AND OLIVIA A. O’NEILL

Index 239

xi
SECTION ONE

What Is
Emotional
Intelligence?
CHAPTER 1

Leading by Feel
Like it or not, leaders need to manage the mood of their
organizations. The most gifted leaders accomplish that
by using a mysterious blend of psychological abilities
known as emotional intelligence. They’re self-aware
and empathetic. They can read and regulate their own
emotions while intuitively grasping how others feel and
gauging their organization’s emotional state.
But where does emotional intelligence come from?
And how do leaders learn to use it? The manage-
ment literature (and even common sense) suggests
that both nature and nurture feed emotional intelli-
gence. Part genetic predisposition, part life experience,
and part old-fashioned training, emotional intelligence
emerges in varying degrees from one leader to the next,

Excerpted from Harvard Business Review, January 2004 (product


#R0401B)

3
What Is Emotional Intelligence?

and managers apply it with varying skill. Wisely and


compassionately deployed, emotional intelligence spurs
leaders, their people, and their organizations to superior
performance; naively or maliciously applied, it can para-
lyze leaders or allow them to manipulate followers for
personal gain.
We invited 18 leaders and scholars (including busi-
ness executives, leadership researchers, psychologists, a
neurologist, a cult expert, and a symphony conductor) to
explore the nature and management of emotional intel-
ligence—its sources, uses, and abuses. Their responses
differed dramatically, but there were some common
themes: the importance of consciously and conscien-
tiously honing one’s skills, the double-edged nature of
self-awareness, and the danger of letting any one emo-
tional intelligence skill dominate. Here are some of their
perspectives.

Be Realistic
John D. Mayer is a professor of psychology at the Uni-
versity of New Hampshire. He and Yale psychology pro-
fessor Peter Salovey are credited with first defining the
concept of emotional intelligence in the early 1990s.
This is a time of growing realism about emotional
intelligence—especially concerning what it is and what
it isn’t. The books and articles that have helped popu-
larize the concept have defined it as a loose collection
of personality traits, such as self-awareness, optimism,
and tolerance. These popular definitions have been ac-
companied by exaggerated claims about the importance

4
Leading by Feel

of emotional intelligence. But diverse personality traits,


however admirable, don’t necessarily add up to a single
definition of emotional intelligence. In fact, such traits
are difficult to collectively evaluate in a way that reveals
their relationship to success in business and in life.
Even when they’re viewed in isolation, the character-
istics commonly associated with emotional intelligence
and success may be more complicated than they seem.
For example, the scientific jury is out on how important
self-awareness is to successful leadership. In fact, too
much self-awareness can reduce self-esteem, which is of-
ten a crucial component of great leadership.
From a scientific standpoint, emotional intelligence
is the ability to accurately perceive your own and others’
emotions; to understand the signals that emotions send
about relationships; and to manage your own and oth-
ers’ emotions. It doesn’t necessarily include the qualities
(like optimism, initiative, and self-confidence) that some
popular definitions ascribe to it.
Researchers have used performance tests to measure
people’s accuracy at identifying and understanding emo-
tions; for example, asking them to identify the emotions
conveyed by a face or which among several situations
is most likely to bring about happiness. People who get
high scores on these tests are indeed different from oth-
ers. In the business world, they appear better able to deal
with customers’ complaints or to mediate disputes, and
they may excel at making strong and positive personal
connections with subordinates and customers over the
long term. Of course, emotional intelligence isn’t the only

5
What Is Emotional Intelligence?

way to attain success as a leader: A brilliant strategist


who can maximize profits may be able to hire and keep
talented employees even if he or she doesn’t have strong
personal connections with them.
Is there value in scales that, based on popular con-
ceptions, measure qualities like optimism and self-
confidence but label them “emotional intelligence”? Cer-
tainly, these personality traits are important in business,
so measuring and (sometimes) enhancing them can
be useful. But recent research makes it clear that these
characteristics are distinct from emotional intelligence
as it is scientifically defined. A person high in emotional
intelligence may be realistic rather than optimistic and
insecure rather than confident. Conversely, a person may
be highly self-confident and optimistic but lack emo-
tional intelligence. The danger lies in assuming that be-
cause a person is optimistic or confident, they are also
emotionally intelligent, when, in fact, the presence of
those traits will tell you nothing of the sort.

Never Stop Learning


Daniel Goleman is the cochair of the Consortium for Re-
search on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations based
at Rutgers University’s Graduate School of Applied and
Professional Psychology in Piscataway, New Jersey.
You can be a successful leader without much emo-
tional intelligence if you’re extremely lucky and you’ve
got everything else going for you: booming markets,
bumbling competitors, and clueless higher-ups. If you’re
incredibly smart, you can cover for an absence of emo-
tional intelligence until things get tough for the business.

6
Leading by Feel

But at that point, you won’t have built up the social capi-
tal needed to pull the best out of people under tremen-
dous pressure. The art of sustained leadership is getting
others to produce superior work, and high IQ alone is
insufficient to that task.
The good news is that emotional intelligence can be
learned and improved at any age. In fact, data shows
that, on average, people’s emotional intelligence tends
to increase as they age. But the specific leadership com-
petencies that are based on emotional intelligence don’t
necessarily come through life experience. For example,
one of the most common complaints I hear about lead-
ers, particularly newly promoted ones, is that they lack
empathy. The problem is that they were promoted be-
cause they were outstanding individual performers—and
being a solo achiever doesn’t teach you the skills neces-
sary to understand other people’s concerns.
Leaders who are motivated to improve their emo-
tional intelligence can do so if they’re given the right
information, guidance, and support. The information
they need is a candid assessment of their strengths and
limitations from people who know them well and whose
opinions they trust. The guidance they need is a specific
developmental plan that uses naturally occurring work-
place encounters as the laboratory for learning. The sup-
port they need is someone to talk to as they practice how
to handle different situations, what to do when they’ve
blown it, and how to learn from those setbacks. If lead-
ers cultivate these resources and practice continually,
they can develop specific emotional intelligence skills—
skills that will last for years.

7
What Is Emotional Intelligence?

5 COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

In 1998, in what has become one of HBR’s most endur-


ing articles, “What Makes a Leader?” Daniel Goleman
introduced a framework of five components of emo-
tional intelligence that allow individuals to recognize,
connect with, and learn from their own and other peo-
ple’s mental states, as well as their hallmarks. While
there are many frameworks offering varying sets of
EI competencies (and other models that conceive of
emotional intelligence not as a set of competencies
but rather as the ability to abstract and problem solve
in the emotional domain), Goleman’s approach, out-
lined in exhibit 1, can be a helpful way to start building
an understanding of emotional intelligence:
EXHIBIT 1

EI
Component Definition Hallmarks Example
Self- Knowing • Self-confidence A manager knows
awareness one’s tight deadlines bring
• Realistic self-
emotions, out the worst in him.
assessment
strengths, So he plans his time
weaknesses, • Self- to get work done well
drives, deprecating in advance.
values, and sense of
goals—and humor
their impacts
• Thirst for
on others
constructive
criticism

Self- Controlling • Trustworthi- When a team botches


regulation or redirecting ness a presentation, its
disruptive leader resists the urge
• Integrity
emotions and to scream. Instead,
impulses • Comfort with she considers pos-
ambiguity and sible reasons for the
change failure, explains the
consequences to her
team, and explores
solutions with them.

8
Leading by Feel

EI
Component Definition Hallmarks Example
Motivation Being driven • A passion for A portfolio manager
to achieve for the work itself at an investment
the sake of and for new company sees his
achievement challenges fund tumble for three
consecutive quarters.
• Unflagging
Major clients defect.
energy to
Instead of blaming ex-
improve
ternal circumstances,
• Optimism in she decides to learn
the face of from the experi-
failure ence—and engineers
a turnaround.

Empathy Consider- • Expertise in An American consul-


ing others’ attracting tant and her team
feelings, and retaining pitch a project to a
especially talent potential client in
when making Japan. Her team
• Ability to de-
decisions interprets the client’s
velop others
silence as disapproval
• Sensitivity to and prepares to leave.
cross-cultural The consultant reads
differences the client’s body lan-
guage and senses in-
terest. She continues
the meeting, and her
team gets the job.

Social skill Managing • Effectiveness A manager wants his


relationships in leading company to adopt
to move change a better internet
in desired strategy. He finds
• Persuasiveness
directions kindred spirits and
• Extensive assembles a de facto
networking team to create a
prototype website.
• Expertise in
He persuades allies
building and
in other divisions to
leading teams
fund the company’s
participation in a
relevant convention.
His company forms
an internet division—
and puts him in
charge of it.

Adapted from “What Makes a Leader” by Daniel Goleman, originally


published in Harvard Business Review, June 2006.

9
What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Get Motivated
Richard Boyatzis is a professor and the chair of the de-
partment of organizational behavior at Case Western Re-
serve University’s Weatherhead School of Management
in Cleveland.
People can develop their emotional intelligence if they
really want to. But many managers jump to the conclu-
sion that their complement of emotional intelligence
is predetermined. They think, “I could never be good
at this, so why bother?” The central issue isn’t a lack of
ability to change; it’s the lack of motivation to change.
Leadership development is not all that different from
other areas in which people are trying to change their
behaviors. Just look at the treatments for alcoholism,
drug addiction, and weight loss: They all require the de-
sire to change. More subtly, they all require a positive,
rather than a negative, motivation. You have to want to
change. If you think you’ll lose your job because you’re
not adequately tuned in to your employees, you might
become determinedly empathetic or compassionate for
a time. But change driven by fear or avoidance probably
isn’t going to last. Change driven by hopes and aspira-
tions, change that’s pursued because it’s desired, will be
more enduring.
There’s no such thing as having too much emotional
intelligence. But there is a danger in being preoccupied
with, or overusing, one aspect of it. For example, if you
overemphasize the emotional intelligence competencies
of initiative or achievement, you’ll always be changing
things at your company. Nobody would know what you

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