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 OBSESSED WOLF DADDY

Age Gap Shifter Romance

Silverstar Wolves Book 6

Ruby Knoxx

Copyright © 2024 by Ruby Knoxx.

All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the original purchaser of the book only. No part of this book may be reproduced,
scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form, including recording, without prior written permission from the
publisher, except for brief quotations in a book review.
 Contents
Chapter 1 - Cole
Chapter 2 - Saffy
Chapter 3 - Cole
Chapter 4 - Saffy
Chapter 5 - Cole
Chapter 6 - Saffy
Chapter 7 - Cole
Chapter 8 - Saffy
Chapter 9 - Cole
Chapter 10 - Saffy
Chapter 11 - Cole
Chapter 12 - Saffy
Chapter 13 - Cole
Chapter 14 - Saffy
Chapter 15 - Cole
Chapter 16 - Saffy
Chapter 17 - Cole
Chapter 18 - Saffy
Chapter 19 - Cole
Chapter 20 - Saffy
Chapter 21 - Cole
Chapter 22 - Saffy
Chapter 23 - Cole
Chapter 24 - Saffy
Chapter 25 - Cole
Epilogue - Saffy
About the Author
Books by Ruby Knoxx
 Chapter 1 - Cole
Approaching the inter-pack sports tournament, I feel conflicted. I’m happy that my daughter Annie is so clearly excited
to be a part of this community, as I can already see how much being back in my family pack will benefit her. But I also feel
tense. However good the close-knit pack community is for Annie, it's always been a struggle for me.
A true lone wolf is rare, but growing up, I always knew that was my path. Although I had many friends, played sports,
and excelled at almost anything I turned my hand to, the pack structure always rubbed me the wrong way.
I was friends with the alpha's son, played all the team sports, and was polite and courteous when it was the right thing
to do. But I could never toe the line or stomach the total allegiance to my alpha required to become an adult in the pack.
Perhaps that's why I built my own empire. A business one, at least. You see, it wasn't that I wanted to be the alpha of my
own pack; I genuinely don't fit within that power structure. But I do want power and respect, and that's what I get as the CEO of
Matherson Industries, running a swath of tech start-ups to rival any of the biggest names across the globe.
I guess I am the alpha of my own world. Just minus all the pack bullshit. No one questions me or my leadership—there
are no contests—and I don't owe anyone a thing because they're paid well to defer to me in all areas.
I am well-aware of what kind of leader I am, which extends to most of my relationships. Except with Annie. I strongly
suspect my beautiful, sweet, and willful child will be the only female ever to dictate my behavior.
And so, I find myself back in the mountains. Living not quite in Silverstar, but instead on the edge of Brite Mountain,
where I've relocated my latest start-up. There's a compelling business argument for the move, but essentially, I'm here for
Annie. Once it became clear that her mother was never going to give her the childhood she deserved, and I knew I didn't want a
host of random nannies caring for her, I knew it was time to return home. My doting grandparents and sister Emma, with her
close-knit family, can provide Annie with the security she needs to flourish.
"Daddy!" Annie calls out to me. She'd been skipping ahead but is running back to me excitedly. "Can we get some
cake?"
My sister Emma laughs as she takes my daughter's hand. "I say yes. It's the fair, after all."
I roll my eyes at my sister. "It's also only 10 am. But yes, of course," I say to my daughter and watch her face beam with
happiness. Turning to my sister, I add, "Remember to make that introduction. I might even buy you a cake, too."
"You know, I'm really not Tanya's favorite person. But okay."
"I'm sure she's over it," I reply, dismissing her concerns. Apparently, my sister didn't give Tanya the warmest welcome
when she returned to the pack, but ever since Tanya’s family was cleared of stealing from the pack years ago, Emma has still
felt bad.
I keep telling her she's too soft and should get over it, and I do so again now.
"It's still a bit embarrassing, that's all," she says.
"Well, this is your chance to strike up a conversation," I reply, scooping Annie up into my arms as we mingle among the
stalls.
I almost couldn't believe my ears when I heard that Tanya was living with Zack. I could hardly believe it. To be honest,
I was surprised to even hear her name at all. Not many people knew the name of the infamous black-hat hacker who was able
to make the move from the dark web to the heart of the FBI. Though, not many people have my government contacts. I had even
reached out to Tanya a few years ago to run some covert corporate spying for me, but she'd declined.
If I'm honest, the main reason I want to meet Tanya is that I'm a fan of her work. Not many people impress me, and she
does. It doesn't hurt that she's now running a cybersecurity program at the local college. From what I've heard, it's possibly the
best in the country. Considering my latest start-up has a division linked to cybersecurity, I'm hoping that college will provide a
steady stream of new minds. I've had to relocate an entire team from California. Not the most cost-effective way to launch a
business, but these mountain areas aren’t exactly known for their tech innovation.
Until I arrived, of course.
Annie wriggles out of my arms and reverts to skipping, weaving in and out of Emma and me. Looking around, I can see
why Annie is so happy. There's a wholesome small-town vibe here that you only get in the smallest pockets of LA, and even
then, it feels manufactured. I've noticed a positive change in my daughter since the moment we arrived. My little wolf feels
freer here, even if she doesn't have the words to express it.
I spot Tanya before Emma nudges me in her direction. She's standing behind a cake stall, arranging some of the baked
goods. I can't help but shake my head slightly. What is it about this town that can reduce even the most successful minds to
running a cake stall? It's that pack community gene that has entirely passed me by.
I pull Annie along. "Time to get you that cake,” I tell her.
I try to keep a straight face as Emma awkwardly approaches Tanya. I can't quite decide if there's genuine animosity
lingering between them or if it's just plain awkward. From what Emma told me, Tanya had quite a rough ride when she came
back to town, and then it turned out her family was innocent all along. I think some members of the pack, my sister included,
have a bit of a shame hangover.
 Emma is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known. She just suffers from the pack mentality. She’s wary of outsiders,
and loyalty is everything to the pack.
I listen to the two women exchanging pleasantries. I'm sure they'll sort it out eventually. Finally, Emma introduces me,
and I see recognition flare in Tanya's eyes as I confirm I'm behind the new start-up on Brite Mountain.
"You're a long way from LA, Mr. Matherson," she laughs.
"I could say the same about you," I reply, "though I hear you're doing excellent things in cybersecurity at the college. A
little ironic, no?"
Amusement flashes in Tanya’s eyes as she shows Annie some of the cakes she's putting out. My daughter's eyes flit over
them in delight. "I see your point,” Tanya says. “Those students are going to do great things."
"With you teaching them, I have no doubt," I say sincerely.
"Here comes one of them now—my star student. I am a little biased because I know her, but she really is one to watch."
Tanya gestures to my left.
I turn slightly and then freeze, my breath completely stolen by the woman I see walking toward us.
She is an absolute vision of beauty, with long, wavy red hair cascading down her back. I can't help wondering if it feels
as soft as it looks. Her skin is flawless, and her eyes are the most beautiful shade of green I have ever seen. She is wearing a
simple blue sundress that shows off her curves and dips, revealing just a hint of her breasts, but still manages to make her look
innocent.
Much too innocent for someone like me.
I am lost in her beauty until Tanya's voice brings me back to reality. "This is Saffy. Saffy, this is Cole Matherson. From
Brite Mountain."
Saffy's eyes go wide as she suddenly realizes who I am.
Uncharacteristically lost for words, I reach out my hand in greeting. The moment our fingers touch, I feel a startling jolt
of electricity, like I have been plugged into an outlet. It’s almost too much.
I release her hand, stepping back and trying to compose myself. Saffy looks up at me with her big green eyes, and my
heart skips a beat for the first time in as long as I can remember.
"It's very nice to meet you, Saffy," I manage.
"Likewise. Everyone's talking about your new company over at Brite Mountain," she replies, her voice soft and gentle.
I watch her cheeks heat up, and I enjoy the sight immensely. It's clear that I'm having an effect on her, and that
knowledge gives me a thrill. She looks so beautiful standing there that I almost forget why we're here. Almost.
"So, Tanya was just telling me you're her star student," I say, trying to sound casual but probably failing miserably.
Saffy smiles, blushing furiously before replying, "I don't know about that, but she's a great teacher."
"I'm sure she is. Not every day you find the FBI's top hacker teaching college classes," I say with amusement, my gaze
still locked on hers.
We stand there for a few moments, just looking at each other. I can't help but notice how her eyes sparkle when she
looks at me, and how her lips curl into a shy smile when she catches me staring. My heart races in my chest as an unexpected
feeling of desire begins to build inside me. She's not my usual type. She looks so...sweet.
Finally, I break the silence, remembering why I wanted to be introduced to Tanya in the first place. "So," I say, clearing
my throat, "Tanya will have to arrange a visit for her students out to Brite Corp. We will be running an internship. I trust you'll
apply, seeing as you're the star student, of course?"
Saffy nods eagerly. "Oh, yes, definitely. That sounds incredible."
I smile, satisfied by her enthusiasm. Her eyes seem to shine even brighter as she rambles slightly about how much she
loves her course and her latest project. I can appreciate her zest for the subject, though, considering I am a bit of a tech nerd
myself. She sure has a hell of a head start with someone like Tanya teaching her. I really have lucked out, having a ready-made
future workforce practically on my doorstep here.
"Saf, can you help finish unpacking while I wrap these?" Tanya calls over, breaking the spell between us. I instinctively
want to tell her to get lost. I want to hold onto this moment for as long as possible.
But of course, I don't. Instead, I smile and gesture toward the stall. "It looks like we're being summoned."
Annie is jumping up and down in front of a selection of cakes, and Emma seems to be putting a large order in,
presumably to take some home for her boys.
I stand back slightly and watch as Saffy helps Tanya, my eyes glued to her every move. I can't help but think about the
way our hands touched earlier and the electricity that passed between us. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before.
As they finish packing the last of the cakes, Saffy turns to me, her eyes meeting mine once more. "It was nice to meet
you, Mr. Matherson," she says, her voice soft.
"It's Cole, please," I reply, unable to resist the urge to step closer.
She nods, a small smile playing on her lips. "Cole, it was nice to meet you. And you, too, Annie," she says to my
daughter, handing her a sample from the plate Tanya is busy arranging.
 I'm sure I can see a hint of attraction in Saffy’s eyes. I don't think I'm imagining it. There's something between us,
something powerful and undeniable. I just need to figure out how to explore it.
"We should go," I say reluctantly. "Tanya, I'd like to set up a meeting to discuss the internships and a site visit."
I don't miss the hint of disappointment flashing across Saffy's face as Tanya turns to me and smiles. "That sounds great,”
Tanya says. “Just have someone contact the college. It's very nice to meet you."
"Likewise," I reply, and I turn to nod at Saffy, my eyes lingering on her for a moment longer before I turn and walk
away. Annie grasps my free hand and starts telling me about all the different cakes she and Emma chose to eat later.
We walk through the other stalls before taking our seats for the sports tournament. Emma's sons arrive, and Annie
proudly hands out the cakes. She takes her role very seriously, explaining exactly what’s in each one.
As she snuggles against me, watching the games, my thoughts return to Saffy. One thing I know for certain: she's already
on the internship list. She's not getting away from me.
 Chapter 2 - Saffy
My hand shakes as I hand some of the fresh sample slices to Annie, barely able to take my eyes off Cole the whole time.
I'm relieved when she grabs them enthusiastically before I drop them. She's an adorable little girl, and I can't help smiling at
her reaction to tasting the sweet treats.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she chants, twirling on the spot. I briefly consider she might not need much more
sugar today, but I'm sure she'll burn off all that energy at the fair this afternoon.
"You're very welcome, Annie," I say, smiling. My eyes can't help flicking back toward Cole, now standing closer to the
table. He's staring straight at me, and our eyes lock once again.
I feel a shiver run down my spine as he takes a step closer, and I'm suddenly aware of the way my heart is pounding in
my chest. His gaze is intense, and I can't look away. I'm not sure if it's the way he's looking at me or the way my wolf is
howling inside me, but I can feel my body responding in a way it never has before.
My mouth is suddenly dry, and I feel like I need to say something to break the heavy tension. "It was nice to meet you,
Mr. Matherson." My voice comes out strange, almost like a whisper, and I notice his eyes crinkling with amusement.
"It's Cole, please," he replies, and I smile, attempting to swallow down my nerves.
"Cole, it was nice to meet you. And you, too, Annie," I say as Tanya passes me the last small sample for Annie to try.
Annie beams as she declares the last one is the best.
I try to busy myself, arranging the samples we prepared while Cole and Tanya discuss the possible internship and
arrange a meeting. I don't want to appear too eager, but the thought of working at Brite Corp is a dream come true. There aren't
many tech opportunities in the mountains—make that no tech opportunities. Brite Corp launching a new start-up here could be
the beginning of a whole new industry.
Not to mention, all my research has been in mobile cyber security. I'm even developing my own program, so it's a
perfect fit for Cole's company.
Cole turns back to me and gives me a simple nod as he says goodbye to Tanya. I nod, unable to form words, as his gaze
lingers on me for a moment longer before he turns to leave. My wolf practically howls inside me, begging me to follow him,
wanting to be near him. Which is ridiculous. My sensible side kicks in, reminding me I barely know this man. I don't even
know if he has a wife. Annie must have a mom somewhere. She could even be here at the fair.
As I watch him disappear into the crowd, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be his. To be the woman on
his arm, the one he desires above all else. It's a dangerous thought, but I can't help entertaining it as I try to refocus on the stall.
Tanya's talking to me, but I'm barely aware of what she's saying.
"Earth to Saffy," Tanya giggles, jerking me back to reality.
I know I'm blushing furiously as I turn to face her and just hope she can't read my mind. "They seemed nice," I say,
trying to sound casual.
"Nice, huh?" Tanya says thoughtfully, "Any other adjectives you want to throw in?"
I groan. "Don't tease me, okay? He probably thinks I'm a total douchebag."
Tanya laughs. "What on earth makes you say that? From the look on his face, I don't think he was thinking douchebag."
I return to packing the empty boxes we don't need until the stall to tidy the area before we get busy. I'm hoping Tanya
will drop the subject, but I'm also secretly keen to know what she means. The silence drags on for what feels like minutes but
is probably only seconds before I can't take it any longer. "He must have a wife, right? I mean, Annie must have a mom?"
"Well, I'm sure she does have a mom, but you probably don't need the FBI to investigate the rest."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone. "Google him, silly."
I roll my eyes, pretending not to be bothered as Tanya types in a quick search and scrolls for a second. "Here we go.
Divorced for a year. Wife was called Carmela, who must be Annie's mom. No girlfriend, but lots of pictures with women at
events. See?"
She turns the phone around, and we scroll through a whole host of images from various events, all of which show Cole
with a whole range of stunning women on his arm. I feel sillier the longer I look. I'm nothing like these women, not even close.
And his life looks so glamorous. It almost makes me wonder why he's living out here at all.
My cheeks burn even brighter as I step away and continue puttering around the stall, almost willing some customers to
come along and keep me busy, but the fair is only just starting.
"Hey. You okay?" Tanya asks after a moment.
The last thing I want is for her to think I'm actually pining after some man I've just met, especially a super-hot
billionaire who probably wouldn't look at me twice. I paste a smile on my face, relieved as I see some customers heading our
way. "Yeah, of course. Looks like we're going to be busy."
"I really hope we can get over to the sports ground before Zack comes out," Tanya says, and I can't help but smile. She's
obviously besotted with my brother, and considering that I know he's about to propose to her, I know he feels the same.
 Their love appears so unlikely on paper. Their parents were enemies, with Tanya's parents framed by ours and
banished for years. Tanya was full of hatred toward our family and only came back to get revenge on Zack and me. In the end, it
became clear we were all victims of my evil and abusive parents—story of my life.
I'm so glad Tanya and Zack were able to find their way back to forgiveness. Even Tanya's parents appear to be healing.
I love Tanya and already feel like she's part of our family, so I can't wait to make it official.
A sudden influx of customers keeps us busy as everyone wants to get snacks before the games begin. I smile as the
baked goods almost completely sell out in record time. As much as I love my course and working with computers, I'll always
have a special place in my heart for my time working at the store and our county-renowned cakes.
As the crowds start to fade with people rushing to take their seats, Tanya and I rush to clear the mess and secure the
stall before heading over to the ground, too. The games are already underway, and we just managed to snag some of the last
seats left vacant for the stall holders by the edge of the field.
I always loved watching the pack games as a pup, but they stopped for a few years when Diego's son caused a war
between the neighboring packs. If Diego hadn't been able to forgive Mateo's pack for their part in his son's death and find a
way back to peace, they'd never have restarted.
I watch Zack lead his team to victory on the field, stealing a glance at Tanya, who looks like she might burst with pride
and happiness. Mid-celebration, Zack heads our way, jumping the barrier and stopping in front of Tanya. I realize what he's
about to do before anyone else because he's been incessantly talking to me about it for the last couple of days, wanting it to be
perfect. He drops to one knee and proposes.
The crowd around us goes wild as she accepts, and he spins her around. I hug each of them in turn, my cheeks almost
hurting from the beaming smile that's taken over my face. I have to shoo Tanya away as she attempts to return to the stall with
me for the afternoon shift. "You can't work on the stall when you just got engaged. Go enjoy the fair with Zack," I tell her.
"I can't leave you in the stall alone, Saf," she points out, and I think for a moment.
Spotting my friend approaching through the crowd, I beckon her over. "Emily will help, won't you?"
Emily rolls her eyes, but after congratulating Tanya and Zack, she reluctantly agrees, and we start walking back to the
stall. Em is chatting away about how romantic Zack's proposal was, but I start to get a funny feeling, like someone is watching
me. I turn and scan the crowd, my shifter senses on high alert. It's not necessarily a threatening feeling, just unsettling.
As we approach the stall, I catch a glimpse of Cole out of the corner of my eye. He's standing toward the edge of the
crowd, his gaze locked on me. My heart races at the sight of him, and I can feel my wolf stirring. I can't help but wonder if he's
the source of my unease.
"Hey, you alright?" Emily asks, noticing that I haven't been listening to a word she's said.
I shake my head, trying to shake off the strange feeling. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a bit...off."
Emily smiles sympathetically, adding, "You just need some sugar to perk you up. Are we allowed to eat the stock?"
I laugh. "You're allowed two cakes as payment. And my thanks, of course."
"Payment in cake will have to do, seeing as it's for charity.” She starts looking in the tins to pick her favorites.
I try to refocus on the stall, but my mind keeps drifting back to Cole. I can't get his intense gaze out of my head, and I
can feel my body responding to him in a thrilling and terrifying way. I remind myself of the pictures Tanya found. There's no
way he'd be interested in some small-town nobody like me.
Despite the busy afternoon, I continue to feel off balance. It's as if my wolf is constantly aware of someone's presence.
Several times, I see Cole strolling among the crowd with his family. I hear his name mentioned too occasionally, and I get it.
He's a big deal around here. A billionaire coming home and launching a tech start-up doesn't happen every day.
"Damn, he is hot," Em mutters. I spin around to see what she's looking at, but no one is there.
“Who?” I laugh.
“That new guy, the billionaire,” she says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "He was just over there. I'm not
into older men, you know, but I'd make an exception."
I laugh, trying to sound casual. "I'm sure your boyfriend would be thrilled to hear that."
Em shrugs. "You know I like Michael, but I think even he'd admit he's not a trillionaire with a lodge in Aspen." My
mouth drops open at her words, and she smirks. "Just kidding. He is hot, though."
Scanning the crowd again, I finally spot him. Annie is now holding a massive balloon that looks like it could lift her
right off the ground, and Cole is smiling at her before she runs off with her aunt. Watching him with his daughter really shouldn't
make me want him more. Is that just weird? Just as I'm contemplating that, he suddenly looks around, locking eyes with me.
The strength of his gaze nearly knocks me sideways, stealing my breath. I'm unable to look away as my heart pounds.
Flustered, I try to pull myself back to reality. I can't just be imagining this, surely. Does he feel it, too?
His expression suddenly changes, and the smile disappears. He shifts his gaze away quickly with an almost
imperceptible shake of his head, turning and walking off without looking back.
I watch him go until he and Annie have disappeared into the crowd before finally allowing myself to take a deep breath
and release it slowly. What was that? I've never felt anything like that before, and for a second, I thought Cole had been just as
affected by our connection as me.
My heart sinks at the realization that he could have been just looking at me out of politeness or maybe even pity. I
probably looked ridiculous, standing there with my mouth hanging open, staring at him like an idiot! It doesn't change the fact
that being near Cole has sent my emotions into overdrive, and now all I want is more of whatever this feeling is.
 Chapter 3 - Cole
"Don't tell me you were actually here at 5 am," Jonah, my COO, says, walking straight into my office with a cup of
coffee in each hand.
"Who told you that?" I ask, not even looking up. I've told Jonah a thousand times that I hate people barging into my
office but to no avail. He'd be gone if he wasn't so good at his job. Luckily for him, he's the best. Good enough that I practically
forced him to relocate here from California temporarily. It's a move I'm not sure he's totally on board with, so I'll let this
intrusion slide. For now.
Jonah chuckles, placing a coffee in front of me. "Your very sexy receptionist who saw your log-in time."
I take a long sip of my coffee and nod in thanks before finally looking up at him. "Do not have sex with my receptionist.
Finding good staff has been a challenge, Jonah."
"Tell me about it. I've just signed off on some more transfers from the West Coast offices. A start-up in an area with no
resources was always going to be an uphill battle." His words remind me of the conversation we've had so many times since I
decided to return to my pack and launch Brite Corp in the mountains.
"Build it, and they will come. Isn't that what they say?" I remind him. Unlike Jonah, I'm not concerned. My name alone
has enough people clambering to be part of any project I turn my hand to. We turn more people away than we could ever
employ on the tech side. Having said that, finding reliable and experienced functional staff like receptionists has strangely been
more of a challenge.
And Jonah has a habit of loving and leaving them, which means they feel compelled to leave me, too.
"So, we're agreed. Not my receptionist," I say, leveling him with a stare that shows how much I mean it.
He rolls his eyes but nods. "Agreed, for now. I might revisit this conversation if things don't pick up around here,
though."
"Not having fun?" I ask, already knowing the answer. Jonah is missing our old life in LA. "Give the mountains a chance.
You always said you want to explore your wolf's natural instincts. Better to do that out here than in the city."
Jonah is a half-shifter who grew up in the human world. He’s a true friend, but I see his darkness. He's repressed his
wolf side for so long that it occasionally breaks through in unhealthy ways, though he presents as a typical Californian surfer.
Many would be forgiven for thinking he's all fun and laid-back, but I know the truth. He's one of the smartest men I know,
intensely ambitious, and potentially more dangerous than most full shifters.
I've learned the best way to keep Jonah on the straight and narrow is to keep him busy. He needs to be occupied in both
mind and body. This trait of his is also useful for me because there's always lots to do.
I stand, stretching my limbs after working for the last few hours. Hell, maybe I should occupy my body more than my
mind sometimes. The truth is, I woke early because I couldn't get that girl off my mind. Over the last few weeks, I've consumed
every scrap of information I can find on Saffy. Pretty much her entire life story, from the mess with her awful-sounding parents,
to her being raised with her brother Zack, and now her burgeoning career in cybersecurity. I even know her best friend is
named Emily, and her favorite color appears to be cornflower blue, if social media is to be believed.
And there's no boyfriend, but I already knew that because I would have smelled him on her. And then I'd have gotten rid
of him.
I turn and look out at the mountain range. This view is the entire reason I bought this plot and built the new facility with
my office at the center, towering over the cliff drop and affording me a view I'd dreamed of for years. A little narcissistic,
perhaps, but what's the point of all this success if I don't get the office and the view I want? I get Jonah's reservations, but for
me, coming back to the mountains has been the right move. I thought I was doing it for Annie, but in reality, I was the one who
needed this.
I just didn't realize it until I got here. And now I think I know why.
Saffy.
Weeks of preparation, fast-tracking the internship program, just to get her here. I contemplated a more direct route, but
after hours of researching her history and watching her from afar, I see her naivete and innocence. Both are things that should
put me off, but somehow only spur me on. Unlike Jonah, I care very much about my carefully curated image. My shareholders
depend on it, as does my daughter. My tastes may be as dark as his, but they'll never make the front pages because I'm careful
about who I play with.
So the question is, can Saffy handle my attention?
I guess we're going to find out.
But for now, I turn my attention back to Jonah. I can't have him getting bored and causing chaos by reverting to
destructive behaviors. He's worth too much to the company. "I've sent over those files,” I tell him. “There's enough in there to
keep you busy for the next couple of weeks. It's make-or-break for that department. I'm not throwing money at it anymore if they
can't turn it around."
He nods, and I see his mind working. He's as shrewd as I am, which is saying something.
 "But I can't have you sitting around after work,” I continue, “so come check out the fresh snow on the ridge tonight. It's
about time you let your wolf run."
Jonah looks doubtful, and I know why. He struggles to control himself in wolf form. "I don't know, Cole. Don't you have
to get back to Annie?"
I laugh. "Nice try. I'm having dinner with Annie, but the nanny is staying over all week. We can still run later."
He blows out a breath, shrugs, and stands. "Yeah, whatever. We can run. I still don't like the snow, though."
"You'll get used to it.”
"I'm here for you, Cole. But I'm not giving up the beach forever, man."
"Yeah, I know." I'll cross that bridge when we get to it, I think to myself.
I need to steer the conversation away from Jonah missing his precious waves. Thankfully, I'm saved by the intercom and
my admittedly very sexy receptionist, Carla. "Mr. Matherson, you wanted to be notified when the interns arrived."
I thank her, grab my jacket, slide the tailored material over my shoulders, and fasten the buttons. I turn to find Jonah
looking at me quizzically. "Since when do we give a shit about the interns?" he asks, and gives a laugh.
I take a deep breath and keep my face neutral. "These are Tanya's students. I'm expecting great things, to be honest."
Clapping him on the back as I walk toward the door, I add, "You're the one worried about staffing issues out here. These interns
are homegrown and cheap."
Jonah follows me onto the gallery landing outside my office, which overlooks the reception area. I immediately spot
Saffy standing with two other interns, talking to Carla.
"I still don't get it. This isn't like you at all. I mean—" Jonah's words die on his lips as he clocks who I'm looking at.
"Oh, my. This is actually exactly like you. Looks like I’m not the only one looking for some entertainment out here.” He laughs
again.
"I don't need entertaining," I snap.
Jonah holds his hands up in mock surrender. "Cole, it's admirable you're here doing the right thing by Annie. You know
I love that kid. But we both know that certain itches need scratching. So I have to say, as fun as corrupting that sweet little
intern will be, it will cause more of a stink than me fucking your receptionist."
I roll my eyes at Jonah's comment. He really has no idea what he's talking about. Saffy isn't just some random girl I'm
trying to corrupt for the hell of it. She's different. Special. And I don't want to just scratch an itch with her. I want something
more. Something real.
But Jonah doesn't need to know that. He wouldn't understand, anyway.
I turn to him and give him a half-smile. "You're not fucking my receptionist, Jonah. Carla is off-limits. Understood?"
He grins at me, clearly amused. "I know, I know. I was just making a point. But seriously, Cole, you need to relax a
little. Let loose. Have some fun. It's been too long."
"I am having fun," I say, glancing back toward Saffy. She's still talking to Carla, her expression earnest and focused. "In
my own way."
Jonah shakes his head, but I can tell he's not going to push the issue. "Fine, whatever. But if you get bored of whatever
this is," he says, waving his hand in the intern's direction, "you did promise a trip back to the coast. You know there are plenty
of women who share our tastes there. Not little college girls who will probably run screaming. Just say the word." He winks at
me.
I chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind."
Just then, Saffy turns and catches my eye. I feel a jolt of electricity shoot through me, and I can't help but smile at her.
She smiles back, and I swear I can literally feel my heart racing.
I want nothing more than to go straight down and speak to her, but listening to Jonah, although it’s harmless teasing,
makes me appreciate how unusual it would look for me to involve myself with the interns.
So, instead of going downstairs as planned, I send Jonah away with a slap on the back and return to my office. I think
he's going to say more, but then he thinks better of it and walks away, chuckling to himself.
Once I'm back in my office, I bring up the security feed on my tablet. This will have to do for now. I watch as Saffy and
the other interns are shown around by Carla and one of the women from HR.
I zoom in on her face, removing the distraction of the others, and can't help but remember that morning. Unable to sleep
because I'd been obsessively anticipating today, I'd taken an early shower and had imagined her kneeling before me, her eyes
bright with excitement as she awaited my next command. Submitting to me completely. I could almost feel those soft lips as
they wrapped around my hard cock. Her dainty hands cupped my balls as she moaned for more, struggling to take me as deep
as possible. My desire felt as alive as my wolf, and I reveled in the feeling of power this sense of possession had over me.
I shake my head to try to clear the thoughts, feeling heat rise in my chest. I know I want her, but if I'm going to have her,
it needs to be on my terms, with my rules. Unless I’m serious about her, no one needs to know I’m interested.
 Chapter 4 - Saffy
"I'm really not sure about this," I groan, tugging my pencil skirt down again as we walk up the steps to the glass and
steel reception doors.
"The skirt, or the entire intern thing?" Charlotte asks from behind me, slapping my hand away. "Stop fussing with it."
"I know, I know," I say, giving it one final yank. "I just feel so out of place already."
Charlotte pauses on the top step, reaching for my arm. "Hey, I know what you mean. But honestly, you look gorgeous as
always. And besides, we're here as interns, not to CEO."
I look into my friend's intelligent brown eyes and nod. I know she's nervous, too, but she's just less bothered about what
other people think and more interested in advancing her career. I only wish I could be so focused and less nervous.
Before I can reply, I hear someone shout our names from the parking lot. I turn and see Terrance, our friend from class
and the third intern, sprinting over to meet us. "Wait for me!"
I can feel Charlotte rolling her eyes beside me. "Do we really have to wait for him?" She sighs.
I laugh. "Yes, don't be mean."
"He's such a douchebag," she groans. She's not entirely wrong; Terrance can be a handful, and he's probably Charlotte's
polar opposite. Where she’s studious and known for being very quiet and academic, Terrance is the life and soul of college, a
party-loving extrovert on every team. He's also incredibly smart, so they have that in common, at least.
"Be nice,” I say. “It’s his first day, too. Maybe he’s nervous.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth and we watch him bound up the steps, I know he's not nervous at all. His face is
flushed from running, but his eyes are shining with excitement rather than nerves. Terrance is a good-looking guy, popular with
all the girls, but to me, he's just a loveable comedian. He always makes me laugh. Unfortunately, he and Charlotte seem to rub
each other the wrong way, so it might not be much fun being stuck in the middle of them while we're here.
Charlotte gives me a quick eye-roll but doesn't say anything as Terrance stops in front of us.
"I can't believe you were going to go in without me. We're a team." He pouts, throwing his arms around us.
Charlotte immediately shrugs his arm off. "We need to be professional, Terrance. This is a huge opportunity."
"I know, I know." He laughs. "Chill, Lottie."
Charlotte pauses with her hand on the door. "For the last time, Terrance. It's Charlotte."
This time, I roll my eyes. At both of them. They're both great—the class clown and the class overachiever. And me? I'm
not sure who I am. Just your average small-town girl, hoping not to embarrass herself on her first day.
Especially in front of Cole Matherson.
Just conjuring up his name makes my cheeks burn in anticipation. I doubt he'll even remember me, and I'm sure I won't
even see him while we're here. It's a massive company, after all, and we're just interns. Despite knowing that, I still haven't
been able to stop thinking about him or fantasizing about what it would be like to see him again.
I cringe as the thought runs through my mind again. He's not going to be interested in someone like you.
Pulling myself together, I follow Charlotte and Terrance into the building, trying to focus on their conversation even
though they're just bickering. Thankfully, Charlotte takes it upon herself to go and introduce herself to the receptionist, who
smiles at us all in greeting.
"Don't wind her up, okay?" I say to Terrance.
He winks, flashing me one of his winning smiles as he winks. "Sure thing. You know I'm only messing with her." He
lowers his voice to a whisper, leaning in slightly. "I know how important this is to you, Saf. I got you."
The look in his eyes is so open and reassuring, I can totally see why he seems to have a different girlfriend every other
month. I'm sure he's a lot of fun to go out with, but I've just never felt an attraction to him. He did ask me out the first week we
met in college, but I'm so glad we were able to become friends instead. Charlotte can be a bit too serious sometimes, and I
think Terrance and his antics will be a great distraction to stop me from brooding over Cole the entire time I'm here.
"Just look at this place," Terrance says with genuine wonder in his voice. "I mean, wow."
I scan the reception area while Charlotte chats with the woman at the desk. Being in such a corporate environment for
the first time is a little intimidating. There are hardly any tech industries around here, and certainly, none are this impressive.
Brite Corp has been built into the side of the mountain. A huge glass and steel complex blends into the rock face, with eco-
roofing and living walls blending seamlessly with the forest from the approaching road. It's incredible.
The interior is no less impressive. The harder glass and steel elements are offset with warm wood accents and
comfortable soft furnishings.
And I have never felt so inferior in all my life.
Before I can spiral into self-doubt, Charlotte walks back to us, followed by two women.
"Saffy and Terrance?" a very attractive woman asks. She’s in a skirt suit, wearing glasses that only make her look
sexier. We nod and introduce ourselves. "I'm Carla, Mr. Matherson's personal assistant. This is Ruby Bailey from HR, and
we're going to be giving you a tour and assigning your first department teams. Excited to get started?"
We all nod enthusiastically, but inside, I'm dying. Carla is so sexy. If that's the kind of woman Cole surrounds himself
with even here, then I'm an idiot for thinking he'd ever look twice at me.
As I stand, listening to Carla and Ms. Bailey talk about the security protocols, I feel a familiar feeling creeping through
me, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up—the feeling of being watched. I subtly glance around the expansive
reception area, but everyone else is ignoring us, rushing around and certainly not looking in our direction. I can't shake the
feeling, though, and although I try to listen to what the women are saying, I feel more flustered the longer we stand there.
Carla’s voice snaps me back to reality. "Okay. Follow us.” She turns and leads us through the maze of corridors off the
reception area.
I can't help but gawp as we walk past the various open-plan workstations. The Brite Corp employees seem so young
and trendy. Although plenty are wearing suits, others appear more casually dressed. Hanging out in smaller labs, they seem to
be having the time of their lives, with music playing and people standing around, laughing and chatting. It's not what I was
expecting.
"This is definitely my kind of place," Terrance laughs as if he can read my mind.
"It's so cool," I admit. "Look at all of them. We're so lucky to have been chosen."
We stop at a small glass conference room, and Carla picks up a small remote on the table. Instantly, the frosted glass
doors slide open. "This is the training room,” she says. “We'll do your orientation here. You've got time to settle in while I help
Ruby with something. Look through these files, and we'll get started in ten."
She smiles before disappearing in the opposite direction. I'm so distracted by my surroundings that I barely notice her
leaving until the doors close.
The conference room is large, with a circular table in the middle surrounded by six chairs. On the walls are various
framed photos of Cole Matherson's business achievements and awards, along with a giant LCD screen that looks like it could
be used for presentations. The room has all the latest technology, with an interactive whiteboard system and multiple ports to
connect laptops or tablets.
I straighten my skirt again and sit, still feeling completely out of place. Terrance continues walking around, checking
everything out.
"It looks like someone has been spending all the company’s money here,” he jokes lightly before leaning back on his
chair and asking me, "So, what do you think of Cole? Do you think he's really as bad as they say?"
I feel my cheeks flush and quickly look away before answering, trying to sound casual even though my mind is racing. "I
don't know much about him. And what do you mean, bad?"
Terrance nods conspiratorially before leaning in. "It seems like he's into some kinky stuff, if you know what I mean." He
raises his eyebrows suggestively, and I can feel my heart race faster as I realize what he's implying.
"That can't be true," I stammer, hoping to convince myself more than anyone else.
Terrance just laughs and shakes his head before picking up one of the files and flicking through it absentmindedly before
setting it back down.
"Believe what you want," he says with a smirk on his face. "But trust me when I say Cole sounds like a total legend."
"We are absolutely not discussing this," Charlotte snaps, glaring at him from across the table. "They could be listening,
and Saffy looks like she's seen a fucking ghost, Terrance."
Terrance looks suitably scolded for a second before grinning at me. "Sorry, Saffy. I didn't realize you were that
innocent."
My cheeks burn bright red at the insinuation, and I find myself shaking my head. "It's not that. It's just what Charlotte
said. They might be listening."
"Sure, they're bugging the interns," Terrance says with a dismissive laugh. I have to admit he's right. I doubt anyone here
cares much about the lowly interns.
I'm relieved when Carla and Ruby return to start the orientation, apologizing for the late start. I'm just grateful that
Terrance is forced to actually listen and stop gossiping about Cole. Surely Cole’s not into anything weird.
I try to stop my mind from wandering, considering what might be considered kinky in Terrance's mind. Tanya and I
Googled Cole, but nothing out of the ordinary came up, so I'm sure Terrance is trying to be provocative.
I listen as Carla and Ruby run through the departments we'll have the opportunity to spend time with. "So, Terrance and
Charlotte," Carla says, directing her attention to them, "you're going to start out with our analytics team. They've looked at your
files and are really excited to show you both what they're working on."
I sense Charlotte and Terrance's eyes flicker to me, probably mirroring my confusion, so I paste a smile on my face to
hide my nerves. I hadn't considered that we might not be staying together. Charlotte is an academic superstar, and Terrance
already has a reputation as a wannabe highflyer. Perhaps I didn't come across as well in my video application to the company,
and I'm going to end up working in the mailroom. I internally brace myself.
"Saffy," Carla says, her perfect smile never faltering, "you'll be in our R&D department."
 I don't hear the rest of her sentence because my relief almost overwhelms me. That's exactly where I wanted to be. I've
been working on my own software project, and the thought of being in a proper R&D department where I can get loads of new
ideas to perfect my ideas is overwhelming. I try to keep my expression neutral, but I can't help smiling.
"Erm, Carla?" Charlotte pipes up. "What if we want to be in that department, too?"
I cringe slightly as I realize my friends might be put out by me being in R&D. Given our recent work at college, it's
undoubtedly the most exciting department.
"Oh, you'll all move around. Don't worry,” Ruby replies breezily.
This seems to make Charlotte happier, as she nods. The women continue the orientation.
I would have preferred to stay with the others—my wolf never likes being alone—but I'm also really excited that I've
got my first choice in department. I’m still nervous as hell, but I’m determined to make this internship a success.
 Chapter 5 - Cole
As the call wraps up, I'm jerked back into the moment by someone thanking me for being there. Amusing, really, as my
face may have appeared on the screen, but I most certainly haven't really been with them. Thankfully, it was simply a call
where my presence gave the meeting some gravitas rather than one where anyone was expecting my input. I'm sure I looked
disinterested and aloof. The way people like their billionaires.
"No, thank you for having me,” I say. “It's really great to touch base and see how the team is dealing with these issues. I
know you've got this," I tell Hilary. She's one of my more ambitious department heads back on the West Coast, and I know she
always appreciates the pat on the back. To be fair, her team is killing it as usual.
I'm starting to think I should only concern myself with these snoozefest meetings when something is actually going
wrong.
I leave the call running as everyone wraps up, but what little attention I was giving it has now completely evaporated. I
don't even notice when the final person logs off. It's not that I don't care about my business or give it 1000% usually, but today,
my mind is firmly somewhere else.
Or rather, on someone else.
I push the laptop away and turn back to the security feed on my tablet. I honestly can't explain why watching Saffy tour
the building is so riveting. The camera quality is excellent, of course, so I can see her laughing with her friends, asking Carla
questions, and catching the eye of nearly every male she passes.
She's stunning. Not in the flashy way I'm usually drawn to. Her clothes are pretty simple and understated. She's wearing
a white shirt with a black pencil skirt that hugs her curves perfectly. It's like she doesn't even know how sexy she looks. But I
bet the other males here see it, too, and just the thought of her attracting attention out there makes me feel a little crazy. She tugs
self-consciously at the skirt as it rides up, and I can't help but smile.
An image of me pushing the tight skirt over her hips and driving into her from behind...
Her long, wavy red hair is tame today, but it only makes me wish I could fist it in my hand to feel how soft it really is.
And her skin, so pale that it practically glows in the office lights. She looks ethereal. And much too young and innocent for me
to ever consider pursuing anything with her.
But still, mesmerized by her beauty, I can't look away from the security feed. I itch to make her mine.
Make her mine.
The thought pulls me up. I stare at her image on the screen, trying to rationalize the thought. Sure, I want her. But there
are lots of women I've wanted; this feels different somehow. I wanted Carmela once. Who wouldn't? My ex has a sinful body
and an intellect to match. It's just a pity I never noticed she had zero maternal instincts until it was too late. A witch through and
through, in every sense of the word.
I wouldn't change anything, though, because I have Annie now. When Carmela announced she was taking a job overseas
—with my main competitor, no less—I think she thought it would get a rise out of me. Instead, it freed me to bring Annie home
to the mountains. As a half-witch/half-shifter, she's going to be formidable in her own right when she's grown. For now, I just
want her to enjoy being a kid.
Watching Saffy, though, I find myself comparing her to my usual type. I like women who know what they want from sex.
Strong women who aren't afraid to test their boundaries. Not necessarily brash women, just those who are comfortable in their
own skin. Jonah always jokes that I only date models, which isn't strictly true. But I am drawn to women who are free with
their bodies, and shifters often are, even more so than humans.
Saffy seems very reserved, though. I watch her tugging down the hem of that damn skirt again, and it makes my fingers
itch to reprimand her. Make her understand how sexy she is, and that she doesn't have to hide. Especially not from me.
I've already considered if Saffy could be my mate. Deep down, shifters all believe in the principle of finding their true
mate—even me. However, after living away from my pack for so long while predominantly surrounded by humans, witches,
and other paranormals, I've all but given up on the concept.
But my wolf's reaction to Saffy is undeniable. Perhaps it's simply infatuation. Perhaps I just need to fuck her and get her
out of my system.
I look at my next meetings and immediately cancel them, having massaged enough executive egos for one morning.
Firing off a quick note to Carla not to disturb me, I settle back to review our latest projections and try not to look at the security
feed. I can't let my obsession with Saffy distract me from my work. I shake my head and bury my head in the figures in front of
me.
An hour or so later, my eyes flick to the security tablet and I do a double take. "What the fuck?"
Saffy is stationed with the R&D department. It's absolutely no coincidence that it's my favorite department, the one I
spend the most time with, and the only one on the same floor as my office. The last time I checked the security feed, she had
been set up at a workstation and was being given an introduction to our systems by one of the technicians. So why am I
watching that other intern fawn all over her? I can't see her face from this angle, but her head is tilted toward him as she's
sitting down, and he's grinning down at her like he's just won a fucking prize.
Before I can even process my own reaction, my wolf engages, and I'm striding toward the door. It slams shut behind me,
causing Carla to jump in her seat, but she doesn't say anything as I walk away. I may be raging inside, but I have a carefully
controlled public image, so I run a hand through my hair and button my jacket as I walk, calming my wolf more with each and
every step. I nod in greeting to a few people as I pass, but I don't stop. My entire focus is on the department at the end of the
glass walkway.
I can feel the burning heat of my wolf threatening to rise in my chest as I approach. My eyes lock onto Saffy and the
other intern. I think his name is Terrance, and I feel my jaw clenching as I fight my wolf's baser instincts.
He's leaning in, leaning over her. He's whispering something in her ear that makes her giggle, and I swear I feel my
wolf snarling. I don't know why I'm so possessive over her. I barely know her. But there's no denying the way she makes me
feel as a shifter and a man. I'm not used to this level of obsession. It's unsettling, to say the least.
I walk through the department and clear my throat, interrupting their conversation. The young male wolf looks up in
surprise, but Saffy doesn't seem to notice at first. When she finally turns to face me, her eyes widen in surprise.
"M-Mr. Matherson," she stammers, a little breathless.
"Hello again, Saffy," I reply tightly, my eyes flicking to the boy. "Have you not been assigned somewhere to be?"
Terrance looks momentarily lost for words, but quickly regains his usual swaggering composure and extends his hand to
me. "Mr. Matherson. It's a pleasure to meet you."
I simply regard his hand until he drops it, his smile never faltering. "Yes,” he says. “I was just on my way back there.
Let me know if you need that ride, Saf?"
I want to remain calm, but I'm finding it harder and harder to do so. Turning to Saffy, I simply say, "I need a word in my
office."
"Of course," she says, standing up and smoothing out her skirt. Terrance looks a little taken aback, but wisely doesn't
say anything and walks away.
I watch him go before indicating for Saffy to follow me. I turn and walk back along the glass walkway, painfully aware
of her presence behind me. She's feeling nervous, and it's rolling off her in waves. Frankly, it's turning me on.
I say nothing to Carla as we pass, but I don't miss the way her eyebrows shoot up as she watches Saffy follow me into
my office. I don't stop. I walk behind my desk and lean against the solid hardwood desk.
Saffy closes the door behind her and stands there, looking at me expectantly. I observe her for a moment, taking in the
way her chest rapidly rises and falls and how she tries to hide her nerves. Her fingers twist together, and her eyes are wide and
bright. I can tell that she's scared. But I'm not sure what she's most afraid of. Me? The way I'm looking at her? The tension in
the air? The feeling she's done something wrong?
I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. This is ridiculous. I'm acting like a jealous teenager. "Saffy," I begin, my
tone firm, "I need to know something."
She blinks, looking confused. "What is it, Mr. Matherson?"
The way she says my full name has blood rushing to my cock, but I ignore it for now. I need to know. "Are you and the
other intern dating?" I ask bluntly.
Her eyes widen even further, and she shakes her head so quickly that her hair flies around her face. "Terrance? No, no.
We're just friends, that's all. Why?"
I'm not sure why I feel so relieved. It's not like I have any kind of claim on her. But still, the thought of her with another
man, even one as annoying as Terrance, makes my blood boil. "Good,” I say gruffly. “I need to know you're going to take this
internship seriously. Not standing around, flirting with a boy for everyone to see."
There's a moment of silence between us, and I can feel the tension in the room growing thicker by the second. I know I
should probably just let her go, tell her to get back to work or something. But I can't resist the pull she has on me. I take a step
forward, crowding her against my desk.
I know I'm probably coming across as a dick, telling her not to flirt when I didn't say the same to him—especially as he
was the one doing the flirting. I just can't seem to control my reactions around her. I'm not sure what I hoped to achieve with all
this. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to get that boy away from her. I wanted to get her alone.
But now what am I going to do? What will I risk?
My heart is pounding in my chest, and I can see her breath hitch. I'm about to send her away when I look into her eyes,
and for the first time, I'm convinced I see pure desire reflected there. I am known for being a closed book, but right now, it's as
if she can read my thoughts and knows exactly what I want.
"Mr. Matherson?" she whispers. I'm not sure if she's even aware of the huskiness now lacing her words.
I know that the wolf is in my eyes now. I take another step closer and look at her lips. It would be so easy to kiss her
now, but something holds me back. Instead, I whisper, "Don't squander this opportunity, Saffy. You're too good, too special, for
a boy like that."
The words are soft but filled with meaning, warning her not to take this opportunity lightly or waste herself on someone
like Terrance. Am I suggesting she give herself to someone like me? Someone with probably far darker intentions than a cub
like him?
Saffy swallows hard and nods before turning around and retreating from my office without looking back.
The moment the door closes behind her, a wave of regret hits me. What have I done? My actions were completely out of
character, and I'm left puzzled by the encounter.
Later that night, in an attempt to shake off the events of the day, I take a shower. But even then, I can't escape my
growing obsession with Saffy. I have a vision of pulling her naked into the shower with me before I push her to her knees. I can
almost feel her lips around my cock as she takes me deep into her throat. I imagine myself gripping fistfuls of her soft, deep red
hair as I move her mouth up and down my shaft. She's hesitant at first, but then, with growing confidence, she starts exploring
and teasing me until I'm panting hard and wanting more.
I can imagine all the dirty things I would say as I thrust deeper into her mouth, making her gag slightly. I can feel the
warmth of the water against my skin and the pleasure building inside me until I'm moments away from climaxing. The sensation
is indescribable—like nothing else in this world—and sends shivers down my spine. Bracing one hand on the shower wall, I
release hot cum on the tiled floor, wishing to God it was going down Saffy's willing throat instead.
But then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. She's too innocent, and she’s the beta's fucking sister. I'm used to playing
with women who understand my needs. Saffy practically trembles in front of my wolf, and I can’t decide if that’s a turn-on or a
sign I shouldn’t play with fire.
With a heavy sigh, I turn off the water and step out of the shower, drying myself and then collapsing, unsatisfied, into
bed.
 Chapter 6 - Saffy
I fight the urge to yawn as I park in the lot and wait, looking around for Charlotte or Terrance so we can walk in
together. I know it's a bit childish to want to walk in with a friend, but I've been feeling off-kilter ever since my encounter with
Cole yesterday.
I barely slept last night. I repeatedly played the scene in my mind, trying to work out what happened. At first, it almost
seemed like he was chastising me for flirting in the office, which would have made him a complete douchebag because I wasn't
flirting. And even if I was, I'm pretty sure women don't get told off for talking to a man in an office in 2023.
Besides, I was at my workstation. It was Terrance who approached me and was in the wrong department. But I'm the
one who got hauled into Cole’s office.
It seems so incredibly unlikely that Cole was jealous. I'm almost embarrassed to even consider that possibility. But the
way he looked at Terrance was murderous. At first, I thought he was pissed at both of us, but when we got into his office, the
atmosphere changed. He changed.
I'm used to being around dominant shifters. My brother is the beta, and his best friend Diego is the alpha. Our house has
always been full of strong and boisterous men. But Cole is something else, dominant but unfamiliar. I used to be terrified of
Diego as alpha; his wolf was so overpowering that I struggled to be in his presence for a long time. Zack always assumed it
was some kind of hangover from our parents’ abusive ways.
However, rather than making me want to retreat, Cole's form of dominance only seemed to pull me in. Like a magnet or
a moth to a flame.
I spot Charlotte's truck pulling across from me, and I get out of my car, waving to get her attention. She greets me with a
brief side hug. We've never been super close, mainly because she's so serious, but I feel like we're really starting to bond over
this internship. I look around but don't see Terrance, so we start walking into the building together.
"So, what did you do last night?" Charlotte asks, eyeing me.
I groan. "Tried and failed to sleep. It was terrible."
"Honestly, stop worrying about this. I'm sure it's all forgotten today," she says, nudging me with her elbow. I appreciate
her words, but I can still remember her face when I relayed most of the incident yesterday after work. She'd looked horrified.
I shake my head. "I just don't get it. He seemed so worked up about me and Terrance. He thought we were dating." I
admit to having skipped over that bit when we spoke yesterday because I was too embarrassed.
Charlotte raises an eyebrow and barks out a laugh. "Dating Terrance? Why would he care about you dating Terrance? I
thought this was about him thinking you guys weren't taking the internship seriously."
"I have no idea," I say, shrugging. "But he was acting a bit weird, and it kind of freaked me out."
Charlotte's eyes go wide. "Maybe he's into you."
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, right. Like Mr. Matherson would ever be interested in someone like me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Charlotte says, nudging me again. “You’re gorgeous, Saffy. Unfortunately, I’d say Terrance thinks
so, too. Maybe Mr. Matherson is just pointing out the obvious."
I smile at first, feeling a blush creep up my cheeks, but when she mentions Terrance, it vanishes. "No way, Charlotte.
Terrance and I are just friends. He's like that with everyone. Well, not you, I admit, but you bite his head off."
She laughs again, her whole face lighting up. "That is very true. He really is insufferable, though. You're too nice to
him." We pause at the top of the steps, and she touches my arm lightly. "If Mr. Matherson was really warning you to be seen
taking this opportunity seriously, maybe get Terrance to back off a bit when he's being too much. Okay?"
I nod, more confused than ever. Terrance is just my friend, but I know Charlotte finds his exuberant attitude annoying, so
she's probably not the right person to talk to him about, anyway. But what I'm really thinking about is Mr. Matherson. Cole. I'd
like to believe Charlotte's nice words, but I don't feel particularly gorgeous. I know I'm not unattractive; I'm just not in the same
league as the women someone like Cole would know.
I doubt I'm even on the same planet as those women.
As we walk into the building, I can't help but feel a sense of apprehension. I don't want to mess up this internship
opportunity or make a fool of myself over wanting Cole. But I saw something in his eyes in his office. He’d stood so close to
me, my wolf had practically clawed through my skin to get to him.
I decide to push it all to the back of my mind today. Otherwise, I might go crazy. I've already had three strong coffees,
and I don't want to come across as a jitterbug on my second day.
Charlotte and I head straight to the elevator, and the doors are about to shut when Terrance rushes in. His eyes flick
between the two of us, and I think I catch a slight look of annoyance in them before he masks it with a smile.
"Morning, ladies. You both look lovely as always," he says, his voice smooth and charming.
I smile back, but can feel Charlotte's eyes on me. I know she's waiting for me to say something to him about yesterday.
But I don't, and the silence stretches between us.
"Do you think the boss will tell us off for talking again today?" Terrance asks me conspiratorially as we step out onto
the main floor. "Bit odd, don't you think? What did he say to you?"
I immediately feel my cheeks begin to burn, and I suddenly regret telling Charlotte what Cole asked about Terrance. I
really hope she's not going to say anything. I can feel her eyes on me as we walk to the coffee machine.
"Oh, um, it was a bit odd," I mumble, searching for the right words. "I think he just doesn't like people standing around
talking."
Terrance scoffs. "That's a load of crap—everyone here stands around talking. I think it's very suspicious. You get the
best department, and now one-on-one chats with the boss."
I hear Charlotte gasp behind me and step forward, but Terrance interjects, holding his hands up in mock surrender.
"Only joking. Jesus, Charlotte.”
I laugh, but it feels forced as I take the coffee he’s holding out for me. Terrance has always been a good friend at
college, and while I know he has a reputation for being a prankster, this conversation doesn’t feel very funny right now.
Though it thankfully ends there, I can't help feeling a little uneasy as I wait for Charlotte to finish making her drink. I
look around the room, hoping Terrance won't mention Cole's name again. I notice Ruby from HR walking toward us, talking to
a man I haven't seen before. He looks completely out of place in this corporate environment with his surfer blond hair and sun-
kissed skin, but he's incredibly good-looking.
"Ah, you must be the new interns," he says, flashing a wide smile. "I'm Jonah, Brite Corp's COO. It's nice to finally
meet you."
I can't help but smile as Charlotte immediately blushes under his gaze, and she quickly introduces herself. I was
beginning to think she might be immune to any man, but it appears she’s not. Although I can't blame her, I find myself comparing
Jonah to Cole, and while his good looks are certainly hot, it's Cole I can't help thinking about.
I give my head an internal shake, wondering why I'm thinking like this at all. Jonah has a mischievous sparkle in his
eyes, though, that tells me he's used to garnering a certain reaction from women.
"It's nice to meet you, Jonah," I say softly. "We're really excited to be here."
He cocks an eyebrow, almost considering his next words before replying. "Well, don't worry, ladies," he says, grinning
playfully at both of us. "You're in for an interesting ride, that's for sure."
I'm really not sure what he means, but before I can ponder it, he's already moved on to introducing himself to Terrance,
who appears to be just as besotted with Jonah as Charlotte. "I sense a bromance," I whisper to Charlotte, who snorts.
"Well, that settles it," Jonah says to Terrance as I tune back into the conversation.
"Settles what?" I ask.
"I've been meaning to have a party at my new place for a while," Jonah explains. "We've had quite a few new starters
recently, including yourselves. Seems like a good time. I'll email out the details."
"He's got a hot tub on the roof!" Terrance exclaims, clearly excited by the prospect.
"You'll have to bring your swimsuits," Jonah says, winking at Charlotte, who practically melts on the spot.
I suspect everyone here likes Jonah; he just has a really likable energy. He also seems to flirt with anything that moves,
so I can't help wondering if Cole has an issue with it.
"Have you all met Cole yet?" Jonah asks, his voice betraying nothing, but he's looking straight at me. Does he know
about the incident yesterday?
"Yep," Terrance replies. Does he still sound pissed? I'm not sure why. He wasn't the one who got called into Cole's
office.
I just nod, trying to keep my expression neutral. But Jonah seems to miss nothing, and I note the twinkle in his eyes
again as he smiles and asks me, "You have met Cole before, haven't you?" I panic slightly as he continues. "You're Saffy, right?
Tanya, our local super hacker, is marrying your brother, right? That's got to be exciting if you're interested in this line of work."
I breathe a sigh of relief, more than happy to discuss Tanya rather than my meeting with Cole yesterday. I can't help but
think Jonah isn't quite the harmless, laid-back surfer type he initially appears to be. There's a calculating intelligence behind
those eyes. I think his mischievousness might be a bit of a mask.
"Yes, that's right,” I say. “I only met Mr. Matherson briefly, though. Tanya says nothing but good things." I keep my voice
neutral and professional.
Jonah smiles, seemingly satisfied with my vague answer.
Suddenly, Charlotte gasps beside me and grabs my arm, nearly knocking my coffee out of my hand. “We’re late! We
can’t be late.”
I can’t help smiling. That’s the Charlotte I know. Not the one making googly eyes at Jonah but panicking about not being
seen at her desk within five seconds of arriving in the building.
Terrance rolls his eyes but wisely doesn't say anything. They're in the same department, after all, and despite his
predisposition for messing around, I know he wants this job to be a success, too.
"You really shouldn't be late, Charlotte," Jonah agrees. “I’d have to get the boss to tell you off.”
He flashes her another wink, but this time, I don't think it has the same effect on her as she's already dragging Terrance
down the hall. Terrance glances back at me like he's going to say something, but turns away. I really hope Charlotte's wrong
about him liking me. I like him as a friend and don't want things to be weird.
I smile at Jonah and Ruby. "It was nice to meet you, Jonah," I say before turning to walk to my department.
"You too, Saffy." As he walks away, Jonah says, " I'll organize that party. Maybe we can even talk Cole into coming,
eh?"
He doesn't wait for my reaction before he and Ruby walk away, and I'm left standing there, wondering if he deliberately
mentioned Cole's name because he knows something about yesterday. Which is ridiculous, really. I think I'm actually losing it.
The conversation in Cole's office must have affected me even more than I thought.
I walk into the R&D department, still feeling a bit nervous about my new surroundings, though everyone here has been
so friendly and welcoming. As I approach my desk, one of the researchers, Sarah, waves me over.
"Saffy, you're helping me today,” Sarah says. “We're going to be running diagnostics on some new software. Just give
me five minutes."
I beam. That's precisely the kind of project I was hoping to work on. The software I've been developing is at the testing
stage, and I'm hoping I can use some of the ideas I learn here to fine-tune it.
"Amazing, thank you," I reply, sitting at my station for a moment.
Again, I feel the all-too-familiar sensation of being watched. My wolf is alert but strangely not nervous, just intrigued
and slightly on edge. I glance around the department, but everyone seems busy and certainly not bothered about me. Looking
through the large glass panels that face out onto the walkway, I almost freeze as I make eye contact with Cole. He's on his
phone, talking, but his eyes are fixed on me.
My mouth goes dry, and I find I can't look away. I'm almost pinned to the spot.
He smirks at something on his call. Or at me, I'm not sure. My cheeks are on fire as I manage to pull my eyes away and
pretend to look for something in my bag. When I look up again, he's gone.
What the hell?
Another random document with
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tietysti melkein aina jossakin määrin konnamaisesti. Sofia Ivanovna
oli »orpolapsi», ilman omaisia lapsuudesta asti, jonkun
hämäräperäisen diakonin tytär, joka oli kasvanut hyväntekijänsä,
kasvattajansa ja kiduttajansa, erään ylhäisen eukon, kenraali
Vorohovin lesken rikkaassa talossa. En tunne yksityiskohtia, mutta
olen kuullut vain sen, että tämä hiljainen, hyväluontoinen ja säyseä
kasvatti kerran otettiin irti silmukasta, jonka hän oli laittanut
säilytyshuoneen naulaan, — niin vaikeata hänen oli kestää tuon
näennäisesti ei ollenkaan ilkeän, mutta joutilaisuudessaan
sietämättömän tyhmän ja itsepäisen eukon omapäisyyttä ja alituisia
soimauksia. Fjodor Pavlovitš kosi, hänestä hankittiin tietoja ja hänet
ajettiin tiehensä. Silloinpa hän taas, aivan niinkuin ensimmäisenkin
kerran naidessaan, esitti orvolle karkaamista. On hyvin luultavaa,
että tyttö ei millään ehdolla olisi mennyt hänelle, jos olisi aikanaan
saanut hänestä yksityiskohtaisempia tietoja. Mutta asia tapahtui
toisessa läänissä, ja mitäpä saattoi kuudentoista vuoden ikäinen
tyttö ymmärtää muuta, kuin että oli parempi mennä vaikkapa jokeen
kuin jäädä hyväntekijättärensä luo. Ja niin tyttö raukka vaihtoi
hyväntekijättären hyväntekijään. Fjodor Pavlovitš ei tällä kertaa
saanut penniäkään, sillä kenraalinleski suuttui, ei antanut mitään ja
lisäksi vielä kirosi heidät molemmat. Mutta tällä kertaa hän ei ollut
laskenutkaan mitään saavansa, häntä viehätti vain viattoman tytön
huomattava kauneus ja ennen kaikkea tämän viattomat kasvot, jotka
olivat vaikuttaneet häneen, irstailijaan, siihen saakka vain epäkainon
naisellisen kauneuden paheelliseen rakastajaan. »Nuo viattomat
sulosilmät viilsivät silloin sydäntäni kuin partaveitsi», kertoili hän
sittemmin nauraa hihittäen iljettävällä tavallaan. Muuten saattoi
tämäkin irstaalle miehelle olla jonkinmoista intohimon tyydyttämistä.
Koska Fjodor Pavlovitš ei ollut saanut puolisonsa mukana mitään
omaisuutta, niin hän ei liioin kursaillut vaimonsa kohtelussa, vaan
käyttäen hyväkseen sitä, että vaimo hänen edessään tavallaan oli
»syyllinen» ja että hän oli melkein »hirttosilmukasta pelastanut»
tytön, sekä käyttäen sitäpaitsi hyväkseen vaimonsa ilmiömäistä
nöyryyttä ja lempeyttä hän polki jalkojensa alle kaikkein
tavallisimmankin avioelämän vaatiman säädyllisyyden. Taloon tuli
vaimon kotona ollessa pahamaineisia naisia, ja siellä pantiin toimeen
hurjasteluja. Kuvaavana piirteenä mainitsen, että palvelija Grigori,
synkkä, typerä ja itsepäinen lavertelija, joka oli vihannut entistä
rouvaa Adelaida Ivanovnaa, tällä kertaa asettui uuden rouvan
puolelle, puolusti häntä ja riiteli hänen puolestaan Fjodor Pavlovitšin
kanssa miltei palvelijalle sopimattomalla tavalla, vieläpä kerran
väkivoimin hajoitti juomingin ja koko siihen kerääntyneen
kevytkenkäisten naisten joukon. Myöhemmin onneton, jo
lapsuudesta asti säikähtynyt nuori nainen sai eräänlaisen
hermotaudin, jota enimmän tavataan rahvaan keskuudessa
maalaiseukoilla, minkä taudin vuoksi noita sairaita naisia nimitetään
riivatuiksi. Tämän taudin ja sen aiheuttamien hirveitten hysteeristen
kohtausten vaikutuksesta sairas ajoittain menetti järkensäkin.
Kuitenkin hän synnytti Fjodor Pavlovitšille kaksi poikaa, Ivanin ja
Aleksein, edellisen avioliittonsa ensimmäisenä vuonna ja
jälkimmäisen kolme vuotta myöhemmin. Kun hän kuoli, oli poikanen
Aleksei neljännellä ikävuodellaan, ja niin omituista kuin se onkin,
poika, tiedän sen, muisti sitten äitinsä koko elämänsä ajan, joskin
tietysti kuin unessa. Äidin kuoltua kävi molemmille pojille miltei
täsmälleen samoin kuin oli käynyt ensimmäiselle, Mitjalle: isä heidät
kokonaan unohti ja hylkäsi, ja hekin joutuivat samaisen Grigorin
huostaan ja hänen luoksensa pirttiin. Sieltä heidät löysi vanha,
typerä kenraalinleski heidän äitinsä hyväntekijä ja kasvattaja. Hän oli
yhä elossa eikä koko aikaan, kahdeksaan vuoteen, voinut unhottaa
kärsimäänsä loukkausta. »Sofiansa», elosta ja olosta hänellä oli mitä
tarkimmat tiedot, ja kuultuaan, miten sairas Sofia oli ja miten
inhoittavat olot tätä ympäröivät hän lausui kerran, kahdesti tai
kolmasti eläteilleen: »Se on oikein hänelle, sen on Jumala lähettänyt
hänelle kiittämättömyyden tähden.»

Täsmälleen kolmen kuukauden kuluttua Sofia Ivanovnan

kuolemasta ilmestyi kenraalinrouva itse yhtäkkiä kaupunkiimme ja
meni suoraan Fjodor Pavlovitšin asuntoon. Vaikka hän viipyi
kaupungissa vain puolen tunnin verran, niin hän sai paljon aikaan.
Oli ilta. Fjodor Pavlovitš, jota hän ei ollut nähnyt kahdeksaan
vuoteen, tuli häntä vastaanottamaan hutikassa. Kerrotaan, että
eukko heti paikalla hänet nähtyään antoi mitään selittämättä hänelle
kaksi voimakasta ja läiskähtävää korvapuustia ja vetäisi häntä kolme
kertaa hiustöyhdöstä, minkä jälkeen hän sanaakaan sanomatta meni
suoraan pirttiin kahden pojan luo. Huomattuaan ensi silmäyksellä,
että pojat olivat pesemättä ja likaisissa alusvaatteissa, hän paikalla
antoi vielä korvapuustin itse Grigorille ja ilmoitti hänelle vievänsä
molemmat lapset omaan kotiinsa, jonka jälkeen hän vei heidät ulos
siinä asussa missä olivat, kääri heidät matkapeitteeseen, asetti
istumaan vaunuihin ja vei omaan kaupunkiinsa. Grigori otti tuon
korvapuustin vastaan uskollisen orjan tavoin eikä lausunut
ainoatakaan röyhkeätä sanaa, ja kun hän saattoi vanhan rouvan
vaunuihin, niin hän kumarsi hänelle syvään ja lausui, että hänet
»Jumala palkitsee orpojen puolesta». — »Pölkkypää sinä olet!»
huudahti hänelle kenraalinrouva lähtiessään. Päästyään selville,
mistä oli kysymys Fjodor Pavlovitš huomasi, että asia oli hyvä, eikä
kieltänyt kenraalinrouvalta muodollista suostumustaan lasten
kasvatukseen missään kohdassa. Saamistaan korvapuusteista hän
taas itse kulki kertomassa ympäri kaupunkia.
 Kävi niin, että kenraalinrouvakin pian tämän jälkeen kuoli, mutta
määräsi testamentissaan pienokaisille tuhat ruplaa kummallekin,
»heidän opetustaan varten ja jotta kaikki nämä rahat ehdottomasti
käytettäisiin heidän hyväkseen, kuitenkin niin, että ne riittäisivät
heidän täysi-ikäiseksi tuloonsa asti, sen tähden, että tämmöisessäkin
lahjassa on kylliksi tuommoisille lapsille, ja jos ken haluaa, niin
höllittäköön itse kukkaronsa nauhoja», j.n.e., j.n.e. Minä en itse ole
lukenut testamenttia, mutta olen kuullut, että siinä oli juuri jotakin
tämäntapaista omituista ja perin omintakeisella tavalla lausuttua.
Eukon pääperilliseksi tuli kuitenkin rehellinen mies, sen läänin
aatelismarsalkka Jefim Petrovitš Polenov. Oltuaan kirjeenvaihdossa
Fjodor Pavlovitšin kanssa ja ymmärrettyään heti, että tältä oli
mahdotonta saada rahoja lastensa kasvatukseen (vaikka Fjodor
Pavlovitš ei koskaan kieltäytynyt maksamasta, vaan tämmöisissä
tapauksissa aina vain pitkitti asiaa, heittäytyipä toisinaan
tunteelliseksikin), hän ryhtyi itse pitämään huolta orvoista ja mieltyi
varsinkin nuorempaan heistä, Alekseihin, niin että tätä pitkät ajat
kasvatettiinkin hänen perheessään. Tämän pyydän lukijaa
huomaamaan jo alusta asti. Ja jos kenellekään nämä nuoret miehet
olivat kasvatuksestaan ja sivistyksestään koko elämänsä ajan
kiitollisuudenvelassa, niin juuri tälle Jefim Petrovitšille, niin jalolle ja
humaaniselle miehelle, että semmoisia tapaa harvassa. Hän säilytti
kenraalinrouvan pienokaisille jättämät tuhannet koskemattomina, niin
että ne poikien tullessa täysi-ikäisiksi korkoineen olivat kasvaneet
kahdentuhannen määrään kummallekin, ja kasvatti heitä omilla
varoillaan kuluttaen tietysti paljon enemmän kuin tuhat ruplaa
kumpaakin kohti. Yksityiskohtaisesti en taaskaan ryhdy kertomaan
heidän lapsuudestaan ja nuoruudestaan, vaan mainitsen vain
tärkeimmät seikat. Vanhemmasta, Ivanista, mainitsen muuten vain
sen, että hän kasvavassa iässä oli omituisen juro ja umpimielinen
luonteeltaan, ei ollenkaan arka, mutta häneen näytti jo
kymmenennestä ikävuodesta lähtien imeytyneen se käsitys, että he
joka tapauksessa kasvoivat vieraassa perheessä ja vieraitten
armoilla ja että heillä on sellainen isä, josta on häpeä puhuakin,
j.n.e., j.n.e. Tämä poika alkoi sangen pian, miltei jo lapsena (niin on
ainakin kerrottu), osoittaa harvinaisia ja loistavia lahjoja opiskelussa.
En tiedä tarkoin, mutta jollakin tavoin asiat järjestyivät niin, että hän
erosi Jefim Petrovitšin perheestä melkeinpä kolmentoista vuoden
ikäisenä ja siirtyi erääseen lukioon Moskovaan sekä jonkun taitavan
ja siihen aikaan kuuluisan pedagogin hoitoon, joka oli Jefim
Petrovitšin lapsuudenystävä. Itse Ivan kertoi myöhemmin, että kaikki
oli tapahtunut niin sanoakseni »koska Jefim Petrovitš oli hanakka
tekemään hyviä töitä» ja häntä innostutti ajatus, että nerokkaan
pojan piti saada nerokas opettaja. Muuten eivät Jefim Petrovitš eikä
nerokas opettaja enää olleet elossa, kun nuori mies lopetti lukion ja
tuli yliopistoon. Koska Jefim Petrovitš ei ollut huolellisesti järjestänyt
asioitaan ja kenraalinrouvan perinnöksi jättämien lasten omien,
tuhannesta ruplasta kahteentuhanteen ja siitä ylikin kasvaneitten
rahojen saanti viivästyi erinäisten muodollisuuksien ja viivyttelyjen
vuoksi, joita meillä ei mitenkään voida välttää, niin nuoren miehen
ensimmäiset kaksi vuotta yliopistossa olivat sangen vaikeat, sillä
hänen oli pakko kaiken aikaa hankkia toimeentulonsa ja samalla
opiskella. On huomattava, että hän silloin ei yrittänytkään ryhtyä
kirjeenvaihtoon isänsä kanssa, — kenties ylpeydestä, kenties
halveksimisesta, kenties myös siksi, että kylmä terve järki sanoi
hänelle, ettei hän voinut saada isältään minkäänlaista vakavampaa
avustusta. Nuori mies ei kuitenkaan ollenkaan jäänyt neuvottomaksi,
vaan hänen onnistui hankkia itselleen töitä, ensin opetustunteja
kahdenkymmenen kopeekan maksusta ja sitten työtä siten, että
juoksenteli sanomalehtien toimituksissa ja sepitteli niille kymmenen
rivin pituisia kirjoituksia katutapahtumista käyttäen nimimerkkiä
»Silminnäkijä». Sanotaan näitten pätkien olleen aina niin hauskasti
ja nasevasti kirjoitettuja, että ne pian herättivät yleistä huomiota, ja jo
yksistään tällä nuori mies osoitti olevansa käytännöllisempi ja
älyllisesti etevämpi kuin se lukuisa, alati puutetta kärsivä ja onneton
osa opiskelevaa nuorisoamme kumpaakin sukupuolta, joka
pääkaupungeissa tavallisesti aamusta iltaan kuluttaa eri
sanomalehtien ja aikakauskirjojen kynnyksiä kykenemättä
keksimään mitään parempaa kuin ikuisesti toistuvan ja aina saman
pyynnön, että saisivat käännöstyötä ranskankielestä tahi
kirjeenvaihtotyötä. Tutustuttuaan toimituksiin Ivan Fjodorovitš ei
sitten koko aikana katkaissut yhteyttään niihin ja alkoi viimeisinä
ylioppilasvuosinaan julkaista varsin älykkäitä erikoiskysymyksiä
käsittelevien kirjojen arvosteluja, niin että häntä alettiin jo tuntea
kirjallisissa piireissä. Mutta vasta aivan loppuaikoina hänen onnistui
sattumalta yht'äkkiä kiinnittää itseensä paljon suuremman lukijapiirin
erikoinen huomio, niin että sangen monet yhdellä kertaa hänet
huomasivat ja muistivat. Se oli jokseenkin mielenkiintoinen tapaus.
Lopetellessaan jo opintojaan yliopistossa ja valmistautuessaan
lähtemään kahdellatuhannellaan ulkomaille Ivan Fjodorovitš äkkiä
julkaisi eräässä suuressa sanomalehdessä omituisen kirjoituksen,
joka herätti myös ei-ammattimiesten huomiota, vieläpä käsitteli
asiaa, jota olisi luullut hänelle aivan tuntemattomaksi, koska hän oli
yliopistossa suorittanut tutkinnon luonnontieteissä. Artikkeli oli
kirjoitettu sen johdosta, että kaikkialla silloin oli tullut
päiväjärjestykseen kysymys kirkollisista tuomioistuimista.
Tarkastellessaan joitakin tästä kysymyksestä jo annettuja lausuntoja
hän toi ilmi myös oman persoonallisen käsityksensä. Tärkeintä oli
kirjoituksen sävy ja merkillisen yllättävä johtopäätös. Monet kirkolliset
pitivät tekijää ehdottomasti omana miehenään. Mutta äkkiä alkoivat
heidän rinnallaan ei vain epäkirkolliset, vaan ateistitkin puolestaan
osoittaa mielihyväänsä kirjoituksen johdosta. Loppujen lopuksi jotkut
tarkkasilmäiset ihmiset tulivat siihen johtopäätökseen, että koko
kirjoitus oli vain törkeätä ilveilyä ja pilaa. Mainitsen tämän tapauksen
varsinkin sen tähden, että tuo kirjoitus aikanaan tuli myös
kaupunkimme luona olevaan kuuluisaan luostariin, jossa keskustelun
alaiseksi joutunut kysymys kirkollisista tuomioistuimista oli herättänyt
mielenkiintoa, — tuli ja sai aikaan täydellisen ällistyksen. Kun saatiin
tietää tekijän nimi, niin oli mielenkiintoista sekin, että hän oli kotoisin
kaupungistamme ja »juuri tuon samaisen Fjodor Pavlovitšin» poika.
Ja juuri samoihin aikoihin saapui luoksemme itse tekijäkin.

Miksi Ivan Fjodorovitš silloin saapui luoksemme — sen

kysymyksen muistan jo silloin tehneeni melkeinpä jonkinmoisen
levottomuuden valtaamana. Tuo niin kohtalokas tulo, joka oli alkuna
niin moniin seurauksiin, jäi minulle pitkiksi ajoiksi sen jälkeen,
melkeinpä ainaiseksi, hämäräksi asiaksi. Ylimalkaisesti arvostellen
oli omituista, että nuori mies, joka oli niin oppinut ja joka näytti niin
ylpeältä ja varovaiselta, äkkiä oli saapunut noin iljettävään kotiin,
tuommoisen isän luo, joka koko elämänsä aikana ei ollut hänestä
välittänyt, ei tuntenut eikä muistanut häntä ja joka ei tietysti millään
ehdolla missään tapauksessa antaisi pojalleen rahoja, jos tämä niitä
pyytäisi, mutta kuitenkin sitten koko loppuikänsä pelkäisi, että myös
toiset pojat, Dmitri ja Aleksei, joskus tulevat pyytämään rahoja. Mutta
nytpä nuori mies asettuu semmoisen isän taloon, asuu hänen
kanssaan kuukauden ja toisen ja molemmat tulevat keskenään
toimeen mitä parhaiten. Viimeksimainittu seikka hämmästytti
erikoisesti ei vain minua, vaan monia muitakin. Pjotr Aleksandrovitš
Miusov, josta jo aikaisemmin olen puhunut, Fjodor Pavlovitšin
kaukainen sukulainen hänen ensimmäisen vaimonsa puolelta, sattui
taas olemaan luonamme kaupungin lähistössä olevalla maatilallaan
saavuttuaan Pariisista, jonne hän oli jo kokonaan asettunut
asumaan. Hänenpä juuri muistan ihmetelleen kaikkein enimmän, kun
hän oli tutustunut nuoreen mieheen, joka hänessä herätti
mielenkiintoa ja jonka kanssa hän joskus tietojaan näyttääkseen
väitteli saaden tästä pistelystä kokea sisäistä mielipahaa. »Hän»,
puhui hän silloin meille Ivan Fjodorovitšista, »saa kyllä aina
ansaituksi kopeekan ja hänellä on nytkin rahoja ulkomaanmatkaa
varten — mitä tekemistä hänellä täällä on? Kaikille on selvää, että
hän ei ole tullut isän luo rahaa pyytämään, sillä rahaa ei isä hänelle
missään tapauksessa anna. Viinan juonti ja irstailu eivät häntä
miellytä, mutta ukko ei näy tulevan toimeen ilman häntä, niin hyvissä
väleissä he ovat!» Se oli totta. Nuorella miehellä oli ilmeisesti
vaikutusvaltaakin ukkoon. Tämä alkoi miltei totella häntä toisinaan,
vaikka olikin suuressa määrin ja välistä ilkeällä tavallakin itsepäinen.
Alkoipa hän toisinaan käyttäytyäkin säädyllisemmin…

Vasta myöhemmin selvisi, että Ivan Fjodorovitš oli tullut osaksi

vanhemman veljensä Dmitri Fjodorovitšin pyynnöstä ja asioissa,
veljensä, jonka hän ensimmäisen kerran elämässään oli tullut
tuntemaan ja nähnyt niinikään melkein tähän samaan aikaan, tällä
samalla matkalla, mutta jonka kanssa hän kuitenkin erään tärkeän,
enemmän Dmitri Fjodorovitšia koskevan asian vuoksi oli ollut
kirjeenvaihdossa jo ennen Moskovasta tuloansa. Mikä asia se oli,
sen saa lukija aikanaan yksityiskohtaisesti tietää. Siitä huolimatta
silloinkin, kun minä jo tunsin tämän erityisen asianhaaran, minusta
Ivan Fjodorovitš yhä tuntui arvoitukselliselta ja hänen tulonsa meille
sittenkin selittämättömältä.

Lisään vielä, että Ivan Fjodorovitš silloin oli välittäjänä ja

sovittajana isän ja vanhemman veljensä Dmitri Fjodorovitšin välillä,
joka silloin oli pannut alulle suuren riidan ja nostanut laillisen
kanteenkin isäänsä vastaan.

Tämä perhe, toistan sen, yhtyi silloin kokonaisuudessaan

ensimmäisen kerran elämässään ja muutamat sen jäsenet näkivät
silloin ensimmäisen kerran toisensa. Vain nuorin poika, Aleksei
Fjodorovitš, oli jo vuoden asunut luonamme ja siis joutunut
luoksemme aikaisemmin kuin muut veljet. Juuri tästä Alekseista
minun on kaikkein vaikeinta puhua tässä esipuheena olevassa
kertomuksessani, ennenkuin tuon hänet näyttämölle romaanissa.
Mutta täytyy kirjoittaa hänestäkin esipuhe, ainakin jotta edeltäkäsin
tulisi selitetyksi eräs varsin omituinen seikka, nimittäin: tuleva
sankarini minun täytyy esittää lukijoille romaanin ensimmäisestä
kohtauksesta alkaen munkinalokkaan viitassa. Niin, jo vuoden hän
oli elellyt luostarissamme ja näytti valmistautuvan sulkeutumaan
siihen koko elämänsä ajaksi.

4.

Kolmas poika Aljoša

Hän oli silloin vasta kahdenkymmenen vuoden ikäinen (hänen

veljensä Ivan oli silloin neljännelläkolmatta ikävuodellaan ja heidän
vanhin veljensä Dmitri kahdeksannellakolmatta). Ensiksikin ilmoitan,
että tämä nuorukainen, Aljoša, ei ollenkaan ollut fanaatikko eikä
ainakaan minun käsittääkseni ollenkaan mikään mystikkokaan.
Sanon edeltäkäsin koko ajatukseni: hän oli yksinkertaisesti aikaiseen
kehittynyt ihmisrakkaaksi, ja jos hän oli joutunut luostariuralle, niin se
oli johtunut vain siitä, että tuohon aikaan ainoastaan se tie vaikutti
hänen mieleensä ja oli hänestä niin sanoakseni ihanteellinen
pääsytie hänen maallisen pahuuden pimeydestä rakkauden valoon
pyrkivälle sielulleen. Ja tämä tie viehätti häntä vain sen tähden, että
hän sillä kohtasi olennon, joka silloin oli hänen mielestään
harvinainen, — luostarimme kuuluisan munkin Zosiman, johon hän
kiintyi tyydyttämättömän sydämensä koko hehkuvalla ensilemmellä.
En kiellä, että hän jo silloin oli hyvin omituinen, niinkuin hän oli
muuten ollut kehdosta asti. Olenhan jo maininnut hänestä, että hän
jäätyään äitinsä kuollessa vasta vain hiukan yli kolmen vuoden
ikäiseksi sittemmin muisti hänet koko elämänsä ajan, hänen
kasvonsa, hänen hyväilynsä, »aivan kuin hän seisoisi edessäni ilmi
elävänä». Tämmöiset muistot voivat säilyä mielessä (sen kaikki
tietävät) aikaisemmaltakin iältä, jopa kahden vuoden iältä, mutta ne
esiintyvät koko elämän aikana ikäänkuin valopisteinä pimeydestä,
ikäänkuin irti reväistynä kulmana suuresta kuvasta, joka tätä kulmaa
lukuunottamatta on kokonaan sammunut ja kadonnut. Aivan samoin
oli hänenkin laitansa: hänen muistossaan oli säilynyt yksi ilta,
kesäinen ja tyyni, avoin ikkuna, vinosti lankeavat laskevan auringon
säteet (vinot säteet olivatkin kaikkein parhaiten jääneet mieleen),
huoneen nurkassa jumalankuva, sen edessä palava lamppu ja
jumalankuvan edessä polvillaan itkemässä aivan kuin hysteerisen
kohtauksen vallassa itkua, johon sekaantui uikutusta ja kiljahduksia,
äitinsä, joka oli tarttunut häneen molemmin käsin ja syleili häntä niin
kovasti, että se teki kipeätä, sekä rukoili hänen puolestaan
Jumalanäitiä, ojensi hänet sylistään molemmin käsin jumalankuvaa
kohti ikäänkuin antaen hänet Jumalanäidin suojelukseen… ja äkkiä
juoksee huoneeseen lapsenhoitaja ja tempaa pelästyneenä hänet
äidiltä. Kas siinä kuva! Aljoša muisti äitinsä kasvotkin, sillä hetkellä:
hän sanoi, että ne olivat raivoisat, mutta kauniit, mikäli hän saattoi
muistaa. Mutta harvoin hän uskoi kenellekään tämän muistonsa.
Lapsena ja nuorukaisena hän ei juuri ollut avomielinen eikä edes
puhelias, ei epäluuloisuudesta, ei arkuudesta eikä ihmisiä
karttavasta juroudesta, pikemminkin päinvastoin, vaan jostakin
muusta syystä, jostakin ikäänkuin sisällisestä huolesta, joka oli
hänen eikä kuulunut muihin, mutta oli hänelle niin tärkeä, että hän
sen takia ikäänkuin unohti toiset. Ihmisiä hän rakasti: hän näytti koko
elämänsä ajan täydellisesti uskoneen ihmisiin, eikä kuitenkaan
kukaan koskaan pitänyt häntä yksinkertaisena tai naiivina. Hänessä
oli jotakin, mikä sanoi ja vakuutti (ja sittemmin koko elämän ajan),
että hän ei tahdo olla ihmisten tuomarina, että hän ei ota
tuomitakseen eikä missään tapauksessa tuomitse. Näyttipä siltä, että
hän salli mitä tahansa ollenkaan tuomitsematta, vaikka usein hyvin
katkerasti murehtien. Eikä siinä kyllin, vaan hän meni tässä
ymmärtämyksessään niin pitkälle, että häntä ei kukaan voinut
hämmästyttää eikä pelästyttää, ja tähän hän pääsi jo aivan nuorena.
Kun hän kahdennellakymmenennellä ikävuodellaan saapui isänsä
luo tuohon kotiin, joka oli ehdottomasti likaisen irstailun pesä, niin
hän pysyi siveänä ja puhtaana ja vain poistui ääneti, kun katsominen
kävi sietämättömäksi, mutta ei vähimmässäkään määrässä
osoittanut halveksimista eikä tuominnut ketään. Isä taas, joka oli
aikoinaan elänyt toisten armoilla ja sentähden oli herkkä ja helposti
loukkautuva, suhtautui häneen aluksi epäluuloisesti ja jurosti (»kovin
paljon hän, näes, on vaiti ja ajattelee paljon mielessään»), mutta
alkoi pian, jo noin kahden viikon kuluttua, häntä hirveästi syleillä ja
suudella, tosin itkien humalaisen kyyneliä ja juopuneen
tunteellisuudella, mutta ilmeistä oli, että hän rakasti poikaa
vilpittömästi ja syvästi ja sillä tavoin, että hänen kaltaisensa ei
koskaan ollut voinut ketään niin rakastaa…

Kaikki rakastivat tätä nuorukaista, tulipa hän minne tahansa, ja niin

oli ollut hänen lapsuudestaan saakka. Jouduttuaan hyväntekijänsä ja
kasvattajansa Jefim Petrovitš Polenovin taloon hän sai kaikki tässä
perheessä ystävikseen siinä määrin, että häntä pidettiin perheessä
aivan omana lapsena. Kuitenkin hän oli tullut tähän taloon niin
pienenä lapsena, että siinä iässä on lapsessa mahdotonta otaksua
olevan harkittua viekkautta, juonien punontaa tai kykyä mielistellä ja
herättää mieltymystä, taitoa herättää rakkautta kohtaansa. Niin että
rakkauden herättäminen oli hänessä niin sanoakseni synnynnäinen
lahja, välitön eikä keinotekoinen. Samoin oli asian laita hänen
ollessaan koulussa, vaikka olisi luullut hänen olevan juuri niitä lapsia,
jotka herättävät tovereissa epäluottamusta, toisinaan naurua,
ehkäpä vihaakin. Niinpä hän esimerkiksi usein oli omissa
mietteissään ja tavallaan eristäytyi. Lapsuudestaan saakka hän oli
mielellään vetäytynyt nurkkaan ja lukenut kirjoja, mutta kuitenkin
toverit pitivät hänestä niin paljon, että häntä saattoi empimättä sanoa
kaikkien suosikiksi koko kouluaikanaan. Harvoin hän oli vallaton,
harvoin edes iloinen, mutta toiset huomasivat heti, että se ei ollut
mitään juroutta, vaan että hän päinvastoin vain oli tasainen ja selkeä.
Samanikäisten joukossa hän ei koskaan tahtonut herättää huomiota.
Ehkäpä juuri tästä syystä hän ei koskaan ketään pelännyt, mutta
pojat ymmärsivät heti, että hän ei ollenkaan ylpeillyt
pelottomuudellaan, vaan oli sen näköinen kuin ei ymmärtäisikään
olevansa rohkea ja peloton. Loukkauksia hän ei koskaan muistanut.
Tapahtui, että tunnin kuluttua loukkauksen jälkeen hän vastasi
loukkaajalle tai alkoi itse puhua hänelle niin luottavan näköisenä ja
kirkkain kasvoin kuin ei mitään olisi ollutkaan heidän välillään. Eikä
hän tällöin ollenkaan ollut sen näköinen, kuin olisi tilapäisesti
unohtanut tai nimenomaan antanut anteeksi loukkauksen, vaan hän
yksinkertaisesti ei pitänyt sitä minään loukkauksena, ja tämä sai
lapset ihastumaan ja kiintymään häneen. Hänessä oli vain yksi piirre,
joka kaikilla lukion luokilla alimmasta alkaen ylimpään saakka herätti
hänen tovereissaan halua tehdä hänelle kiusaa, ei ilkeästä pilanteon
halusta, vaan koska se heistä oli hauskaa. Hän ei voinut kuunnella
eräänlaisia sanoja ja eräänlaisia puheita naisista. Näitä
»eräänlaisia» sanoja ja puheita ei valitettavasti saa kitketyksi pois
kouluista. Sielultaan ja sydämeltään puhtaat pojat, miltei lapset vielä,
hyvin usein mielellään puhelevat koulussa keskenään ja ääneenkin
sellaisista asioista, kuvista ja tavoista, jommoisista eivät
sotamiehetkään aina puhu, minkä lisäksi sotamiehet eivät tunne
eivätkä ymmärräkään monia niistä asioista, jotka siltä alalta ovat
tuttuja sivistyneitten ja korkeimpien yhteiskuntaluokkiemme
tämänikäisille lapsille. Siveellistä turmelusta tuossa ei vielä liene,
kyynillisyyttä ei siinä myöskään ole, nimittäin todellista, lihallista,
sisällistä, mutta kyllä ulkonaista, ja tätäpä he usein pitävätkin jonakin
hienostuneena, uljaana ja jäljittelemisen arvoisena. Nähdessään,
että »Aljoška Karamazov» aina, kun alettiin puhua »siitä», heti tukki
korvansa sormillaan, he toisinaan asettuivat tahallaan joukolla hänen
ympärilleen, ottivat väkisin hänen kätensä pois korvilta ja huusivat
hänen kumpaankin korvaansa rivouksia. Hän rimpuili, heittäytyi
lattialle pitkälleen ja meni piiloon eikä puhunut koko aikana
sanaakaan, ei torunut, kärsi ääneti loukkauksen. Lopulta hänet
sentään jätettiin rauhaan eikä herjattu »tyttöseksi», vieläpä hän
tässä suhteessa herätti sääliäkin. Opinnoissa hän aina oli luokkansa
parhaita, mutta ei koskaan arvosanojen puolesta ensimmäinen.

Kun Jefim Petrovitš kuoli, jäi Aljoša vielä kahdeksi vuodeksi

sikäläiseen lukioon. Jefim Petrovitšin puoliso lähti katkeran surunsa
vallassa melkein kohta miehensä kuoltua pitkäksi aikaa Italiaan koko
perheensä kanssa, johon kuului vain naisia, ja Aljoša joutui kahden
rouvashenkilön taloon, joita hän aikaisemmin ei ollut koskaan
nähnytkään ja jotka olivat Jefim Petrovitšin kaukaisia sukulaisia,
mutta millä ehdoilla hän sinne oli joutunut, sitä hän ei itsekään
tietänyt. Luonteenomaisena, vieläpä erittäin luonteenomaisena
piirteenä hänessä oli sekin, että hän ei koskaan vaivannut itseään
ajattelemalla, kenen varoilla hän eli. Tässä hän oli vanhemman
veljensä täydellinen vastakohta, sillä Ivan Fjodorovitš kärsi kaksi
ensimmäistä vuotta yliopistossa puutetta ja elätti itseään omalla
työllään sekä tunsi katkerasti aivan lapsuudestaan asti elävänsä
toisten leivissä hyväntekijän armoilla. Mutta tätä omituista piirrettä
Aleksein luonteessa ei voinut tuomita kovin ankarasti, sillä jokainen,
joka hiukankin tuli häntä tuntemaan, tuli heti, kun tämmöiset asiat
olivat puheena, vakuutetuksi siitä, että Aleksei ehdottomasti oli noita
tavallaan vajaamittaisia nuorukaisia, jotka, vaikka saisivat yht'äkkiä
kokonaisen pääoman, arvelematta antaisivat sen ensimmäiselle
pyytäjälle tai hyvään tarkoitukseen tai kenties vain ovelalle
petkuttajalle, jos tämä pyytäisi. Yleensäkään hän ei näyttänyt
tuntevan rahan arvoa — tätä ei tietysti ole käsitettävä kirjaimellisesti.
Kun hänelle annettiin taskurahoja, joita hän itse ei koskaan pyytänyt,
niin hän joko ei viikkokausiin tietänyt, mitä niillä tekisi, tai tuhlasi niin
kauheasti, että ne menivät häneltä yht'äkkiä. Pjotr Aleksandrovitš
Miusov, joka rahaan ja porvarilliseen rehellisyyteen nähden oli varsin
arkatuntoinen, lausui myöhemmin kerran Alekseista, tultuaan
tuntemaan hänet, seuraavan mietelmän: »Tämä on kenties ainoa
ihminen maailmassa, jonka voitte yht'äkkiä jättää yksin ja
rahattomana tuntemattoman miljoonakaupungin torille, ilman että
hän mitenkään joutuu hunningolle tai kuolee nälkään ja viluun, sillä
hänet ruokitaan heti ja sijoitetaan johonkin, ja jos ei sijoiteta, niin hän
itse heti kohta sijoittuu, eikä se kysy häneltä mitään ponnistuksia
eikä minkäänlaista alentumista eikä se rasita sitä, joka hänestä pitää
huolen, vaan päinvastoin kenties on tästä mieluisaa.»

Lukiota hän ei käynyt loppuun. Kouluaikaa olisi vielä ollut vuosi

jäljellä, kun hän yht'äkkiä ilmoitti holhoojarouvilleen, että hän lähtee
isänsä luo erään asian vuoksi, joka oli tullut hänen päähänsä.
Rouvista se oli hyvin ikävää, eivätkä he olisi tahtoneet päästää
häntä. Matka ei maksanut paljoa, eivätkä rouvat sallineet hänen
pantata kelloaan — sen oli hyväntekijän perhe hänelle lahjoittanut
ulkomaille lähtiessään. He varustivat hänet runsailla matkarahoilla ja
teettivät hänelle puvunkin ynnä liinavaatteita. Mutta hän antoi heille
puolet rahoista takaisin ilmoittaen, että hän välttämättömästi tahtoi
mennä kolmannessa luokassa. Tultuaan kaupunkiimme hän ei isän
ensimmäisiin kysymyksiin: »Miksi tulit käymättä koulua loppuun?»
antanut suorastaan mitään vastausta, vaan oli, kuten kerrotaan
omituisen miettiväinen. Pian kävi selville, että hän etsi äitinsä
hautaa. Hän tunnusti silloin itsekin tulleensa vain sen takia. Mutta
tokkohan vain tämä oli syynä hänen tuloonsa? Luultavinta on, että
hän ei silloin itsekään tietänyt eikä mitenkään olisi voinut selittää,
mikä oikeastaan oli ikäänkuin noussut hänen sielustaan ja
vääjäämättömästi johtanut häntä jollekin uudelle ja tuntemattomalle
tielle, jolle hän ei enää voinut olla astumatta. Fjodor Pavlovitš ei
voinut näyttää hänelle paikkaa, mihin oli haudannut toisen vaimonsa,
koska ei milloinkaan ollut käynyt tämän haudalla, sen jälkeen kuin
hauta oli luotu umpeen, ja oli vuosien vieriessä kokonaan unohtanut
haudan paikankin…

Sananen tässä Fjodor Pavlovitšista. Tätä ennen hän oli pitkän

aikaa ollut poissa kaupungistamme. Noin kolmen tai neljän vuoden
kuluttua toisen vaimonsa kuolemasta hän lähti Etelä-Venäjälle ja
joutui lopulta Odessaan, missä sitten asui muutamia vuosia yhtä
päätä. Hän tutustui aluksi, omien sanojensa mukaan, »moniin
juutalaisiin, juutalaispahasiin, juutalaisretkuihin ja juutalaispentuihin»
ja pääsi lopulta niin pitkälle, etteivät vain juutalaiset, vaan »myös
heprealaiset ottivat seuraansa» hänet. Täytynee otaksua, että hän
juuri tuona elämänsä kautena kehitti itsessään erikoisen kyvyn
saada kokoon ja nylkeä rahoja. Hän palasi jälleen kaupunkiimme
lopullisesti vasta noin kolme vuotta ennen Aljošan tuloa. Entisten
tuttujen mielestä hän oli hirveästi vanhentunut, vaikka hän ei vielä
suinkaan ollut kovin iäkäs. Hänen käyttäytymisensä ei ollut juuri
jalompaa, vaan jollakin tavoin julkeampaa. Tuossa entisessä
narrissa ilmeni esimerkiksi hävytön halu laittaa toisista narreja.
Naisväen kanssa hän elosteli ei vain entiseen tapaan, vaan
ikäänkuin inhoittavammin. Ennen pitkää hän perusti pitäjään joukon
uusia kapakoita. Ilmeisesti hän omisti ehkä noin satatuhatta tai
ainakin jokseenkin sen verran. Monet kaupungin ja pitäjän
asukkaista velkaantuivat kohta hänelle, tietysti hyviä vakuuksia
vastaan. Aivan viime aikoina hän ikäänkuin pöhöttyi, alkoi ikäänkuin
menettää tasapainoaan ja arvostelukykyhän, tulipa tavallaan
kevytmieliseksikin, aloitti yhdestä ja lopetti toiseen, ikäänkuin
häilähteli ja joi yhä useammin itsensä juovuksiin, ja jos ei olisi ollut
olemassa yhä tuota samaista lakeijaa Grigoria, joka siihen aikaan
myös oli melkoisesti vanhentunut ja joka piti hänestä toisinaan huolta
aivan kuin holhooja, niin kenties Fjodor Pavlovitš ei olisi elänyt niin
verraten huoletonta elämää. Aljošan tulo näytti tavallaan vaikuttavan
hänen moraaliseenkin puoleensa. Oli kuin tässä ennenaikaisessa
vanhuksessa olisi herännyt eloon jotakin, mikä jo kauan sitten oli
hänen sielussaan kuihtunut. »Tiedätkö», alkoi hän usein puhella
Aljošalle katsellen häntä tarkasti, »että sinä olet hänen näköisensä,
nimittäin tuon riivatun?» Näin hän nimitti vaimovainajaansa, Aljošan
äitiä. »Riivatun» haudan näytti Aljošalle viimein lakeija Grigori. Hän
vei Aljošan kaupungin hautausmaalle ja näytti hänelle siellä
syrjäisessä nurkassa valurautaisen, halpahintaisen, mutta siistin
laatan, jossa oli myös vainajan nimi, sääty, ikä ja kuolinvuosi, vieläpä
siihen oli alemmaksi piirretty neljä säettä jotakin sentapaista kuin
entisaikaiset, keskisäätyyn kuuluvien haudoilla tavalliset hautarunot.
Ihmeeksi muille selvisi, että laatta oli Grigorin hommaama. Hän oli
sen omalla kustannuksellaan pystyttänyt onnettoman »riivatun»
haudalle, sen jälkeen kuin Fjodor Pavlovitš, jota hän jo monta kertaa
oli närkästyttänyt muistuttamalla tuosta haudasta, oli lähtenyt
Odessaan antaen palttua sekä haudoille että kaikille muistoilleenkin.
Aljoša ei osoittanut äidin haudalla mitään erikoista tunteellisuutta.
Hän vain kuunteli Grigorin tärkeätä ja asiallista kertomusta laatan
hankinnasta, seisoi pää alas painettuna ja lähti pois virkkamatta
sanaakaan. Senjälkeen hän ei luultavasti kokonaiseen vuoteen
käynyt hautausmaalla. Mutta Fjodor Pavlovitšiin tämä pieni episodi
teki myös vaikutuksensa ja sangen erikoislaatuisen. Hän otti äkkiä
tuhat ruplaa ja vei ne luostariimme vaimonsa sielun muistojuhlaa
varten, mutta ei toisen vaimonsa, Aljošan äidin, »riivatun», vaan
ensimmäisen vaimonsa Adelaida Ivanovnan, joka pieksi häntä.
Saman päivän iltana hän joi itsensä päihinsä ja haukkui Aljošalle
munkkeja. Itse hän ei ollut ollenkaan uskonnollinen ihminen eikä
liene koskaan pannut edes viiden kopeekan arvoista kynttilää
jumalankuvan eteen. Tuommoisilla ihmisillä on omituisia äkillisten
tunteitten ja äkillisten ajatusten puuskia.

Sanoin jo, että hän oli hyvin pöhöttynyt. Hänen kasvoissaan oli
siihen aikaan jotakin sellaista, mikä räikeästi todisti hänen koko
eletyn elämänsä laadusta ja olemuksesta. Paitsi pitkiä ja lihaisia
pusseja hänen pienten, ikuisesti julkeitten, epäluuloisten ja ivallisten
silmiensä alla, paitsi monia syviä ryppyjä hänen pienillä, mutta
lihavilla kasvoillaan, riippui hänen terävän leukansa alla vielä iso
aataminpala, lihainen ja pitkulainen kuin kukkaro, mikä teki hänet
iljettävän hekumallisen näköiseksi. Kuvitelkaa tähän lisäksi lihallinen
pitkä suu ja tursistuneet huulet, joiden alta näkyivät melkein
mädäntyneitten hampaitten mustat tyngät. Sylki pärskyi hänen
suustaan joka kerta, kun hän alkoi puhua. Muuten hän itsekin
mielellään laski leikkiä kasvoistaan, vaikka luultavasti oli niihin
tyytyväinen. Erityisesti hän osoitti nenäänsä, joka ei ollut kovin iso,
mutta hyvin hieno, ja kaareva: »Aito roomalainen», sanoi hän,
»yhdessä aataminpalan kanssa todellinen roomalaisen patriisin
fysionomia rappeutumisen aikakaudelta.» Siitä hän näytti ylpeilevän.

Jokseenkin pian äidin haudan löytymisen jälkeen Aljoša yht'äkkiä

ilmoitti isälleen haluavansa mennä luostariin ja munkkien suostuvan
päästämään hänet alokkaaksi. Hän selitti samalla, että häntä ajoi
tähän erityinen halu ja että hän pyysi isän juhlallista suostumusta.
Isä tiesi jo, että vanhus Zosima, joka oli löytänyt pelastuksen
luostarin erakkomajasta, oli tehnyt hänen »hiljaiseen poikaansa»
erikoisen vaikutuksen.

— Tuo vanhus on tietysti heidän kaikkein rehellisin munkkinsa, —

lausui hän kuunneltuaan Aljošaa ääneti ja mietteissään ja
hämmästymättä juuri ollenkaan hänen pyynnöstään. — Hm… kas
vain, minne mielesi tekee, hiljainen poikani! — Hän oli puoleksi
päissään ja alkoi yht'äkkiä hymyillä pitkää, puoli juopuneen hymyä,
joka ei ollut vailla viekkautta ja juopuneen kavaluutta: — Hm…
minäpä aavistinkin, että sinä päädyt johonkin tuontapaiseen, voitko
kuvitella? Sinua veti sinnepäin. No, mikäpä siinä, onhan sinulla omat
kaksituhattasi, siinä sinulla on perintöä, mutta minä en jätä sinua,
enkelini, koskaan ja nytkin maksan puolestasi, mitä on tarvis, jos
pyytävät. No, jos taas eivät pyydä, niin mitäpä me menemme
tyrkyttämään, eikö niin? Sinähän kulutat rahoja niinkuin kanarialintu
siemeniä, kaksi jyvää viikossa… Hm… Tiedätkö; eräässä luostarissa
on vuoren juurella pieni esikaupunki, ja kaikki siellä tietävät, että
siinä asuu vain »luostarivaimoja», niin heitä siellä nimitetään,
kolmisenkymmentä vaimoa luullakseni… Minä olin siellä ja, tiedätkö,
se on kiintoisaa, tietysti tavallansa, vaihtelun kannalta. Se vain on
kehnosti, että siellä on kauheasti venäläisyys vallalla, ranskattaria ei
vielä ole ollenkaan, vaikka voisi olla, varat kun ovat melkoiset.
Kunhan saavat tietää, niin tulevat. No, täällä ei ole mitään, täällä ei
ole luostarivaimoja, mutta munkkeja on pari sataa. Rehellistä peliä.
Paastoavat. Myönnän… Hm… Sinä siis haluat munkkien pariin?
Mutta minunpa on sääli sinua, Aljoša, toden totta, uskotko, minä
rakastan sinua… Muuten tämä sopii hyvin: saat rukoilla meidän
syntisten puolesta, kovin paljon olemmekin täällä tulleet tehneeksi
syntiä. Olen aina ajatellut: kukahan joskus rukoilee minun
puolestani? Onko maailmassa semmoista ihmistä? Sinä olet armas
poika, minähän olen tässä asiassa hirveän tyhmä, kenties et
uskokaan? Hirveän tyhmä. Katsohan: niin tyhmä kuin olenkin, niin
yhä ajattelen, yhä ajattelen, tietysti harvoin, mutta kuitenkin. Onhan
mahdotonta, ajattelen, että pirut jättäisivät vetämättä minut koukuilla
luokseen, kun kuolen. No, ajattelen näin: koukuilla? Mistä he sitten
ovat ne saaneet? Mistä ne on tehty? Raudastako? Missä sitten niitä
taotaan? Onko niillä siellä ehkä tehdas? Siellä luostarissahan munkit
varmaankin otaksuvat, että helvetissä esimerkiksi on katto. Minä
puolestani olen valmis uskomaan helvettiin, mutta katottomaan. Se
on ikäänkuin hienompaa, valistuneempaa, ikäänkuin luterilaista.
Mutta eikö itse asiassa ole samantekevää, onko siellä katto vai eikö?
Kas siinähän on juuri tuo kirottu kysymys! No, jos ei ole kattoa, niin
kaiketi ei ole koukkujakaan. Mutta jos ei ole koukkuja ja kaikki on
kallellaan, niin taas näyttää epätodenmukaiselta: kuka minut sitten
koukuilla vetää, sillä jos minua ei vedetä, niin miten sitten käy, missä
on totuus maailmassa? Il faudrait les inventer, nuo koukut
nimenomaan minua varten, yksistään minua varten, sillä jospa
tietäisit, Aljoša, kuinka rivo mies minä olen!…

— Eihän siellä ole koukkuja, — lausui Aljoša hiljaa ja vakavasti

katsoen isäänsä.
 — Niin, niin, on vain koukkujen varjot. Tiedän, tiedän. Näinhän
eräs ranskalainen kuvasi helvettiä: J'ai vu l'ombre d'un cocher, qui
avec l'ombre d'une brosse frottait l'ombre d'une carosse. Mistä sinä,
ystäväni, tiedät, että ei ole koukkuja? Kunhan olet jonkin aikaa
munkkien luona, niin on toinen ääni kellossa. Muuten mene vain, ota
siellä totuus selville ja tule kertomaan: onhan kuitenkin helpompi
mennä toiseen maailmaan, kun varmasti tietää, mitä siellä on. Ja
onhan olosi munkkien luona säädyllisempääkin kuin täällä minun,
humalaisen ukkorahjuksen, ja tyttöjen parissa… vaikkakaan sinuun
aivan kuin enkeliin ei mikään tartu. No, ehkäpä ei sielläkään mikään
sinuun tartu, ja siksipä suostunkin pyyntöösi, koska luotan tuohon
viimeksi mainitsemaani seikkaan. Sinulla on järki tallella. Palat ja
sammut, pääset taudistasi ja tulet takaisin. Minäpä odotan sinua:
tunnenhan, että sinä olet ainoa ihminen maan päällä, joka ei ole
tuominnut minua, minun armas poikani, tunnenhan sen, enhän voi
olla sitä tuntematta!…

Ja hän alkoi oikein nyyhkyttää. Hän oli herkkätunteinen. Hän oli

ilkeä ja herkkätunteinen.

5.

Luostarinvanhimmat

Kenties joku lukijoista luulee, että nuorukaisemme oli

sairaalloinen, intoileva, kehittymätön luonne, kalpea haaveilija,
raihnainen ja kuihtunut ihminen. Mutta Aljoša oli päinvastoin siihen
aikaan pulska, punaposkinen, kirkaskatseinen, terveyttä uhkuva
yhdeksäntoistavuotias nuorukainen. Olipa hän siihen aikaan sangen