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THE
MOVIE ©
BIBLE
THE ULTIMATE MODERN GUIDE TO
Mo IES THAT ARE SO BAD THEY'RE ly,
Rob Hill
“© thought Superman IV
was a good idea?
www.badmoviebible.com
@badmoviebible
@badmoviebible
Check out the Bad Movie Bible YouTube channel
I EEE_ a O
21 APR 20
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22 MAR 2019
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www.lancashire.gov.uk/libraries
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www.badmoviebible.com
Find The Bad Movie Bible channel on YouTube
@BadMovieBible on Twitter and Instagram
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise without prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 978-0-9932407-7-5
We have made our best efforts to identify and credit the owners of the copyrights in and
sources of the images used in this book. We apologise in advance for any unintentional
omission, error or neglect, and if you consider that we have failed to give an appropriate
acknowledgement or credit that was due, please get in touch with us and we will be
pleased to put this right in the next edition.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
READER'S MANUAL
ACTION
HORROR 124
INDEX 238
INTRODUCTION
“You know a true
Most movies aren't very good. That film obsessive at once
shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Nor because you talk less
should it be a surprise that some are
so cheesy, over-the-top or ineptly made about good movies
that their inadequacies, supposed or than about what you
otherwise, can create a curious appeal.
This book is a celebration of, and guide love in bad movies.”
to, those movies. -Pauline Kael
Don’t assume the ironic enjoyment of
a movie's apparent shortcomings is
automatically derisive or snide. The word
‘bad’ may be appropriate, but is just as response to them coexists with the intended
often a misnomer substituting for terms like response. You might enjoy a 1980s action
corny, weird or excessive. We don’t have B-movie in many of the ways hoped for
the language to snappily sum up what the by its makers, but with hindsight you might
French call nanar, and the Spanish cutre. also see the cogs turning and relish the
‘Bad’ may be the word that’s central to the corny appeal that engenders. Cinema grew
way these movies are described (funny-bad, up. We grew up (sort of). But most movies
good-bad, so bad it’s good) but it’s not remain trapped in the primitive aesthetics
always the pejorative judgement it seems of the recent past. Anyone who has been
to be. People love these movies. They may amused by the fashions in Clueless or
have been shunned by critics, they may not Super Fly while still enjoying the movie
be what the filmmakers intended or what has experienced this phenomenon. And so
audiences are used to seeing, but they're has anyone who's chuckled at the cheesy
enormous fun to watch. Usually our ironic dialogue in Love Story or Road House.
The enjoyment of all these kinds of movie documentaries and video games. Actor Greg
has become a mainstream phenomenon. Sestero’s book on the making of The Room,
Ordinary film fans share recommendations The Disaster Artist, has been adapted into
for the funniest bad movie ever made just as a Hollywood film starring heavyweights like
they might the best. Every day a passionate Brian Cranston, Sharon Stone and James
community of critics, podcasters and Franco. We live in glorious times.
YouTubers ply hungry fans with the latest
interpretations and suggestions. Good-bad But as much fun as these movies are to
behemoths like Troll 2 and The Room play watch, they can be a nightmare to find. For
theatrically all around the world and have every Miami Connection there are a dozen
generated stage plays, fan films, feature Miami Golems. For every discovery that
makes you want to punch the air there are
many more that make you want to punch
the director. I've seen thousands of movies
classed as critical failures. As research for
“I can't go to a bad movie this book intensified, | watched up to half a
dozen each day for weeks on end. Sorting
by myself. What, am |gonna the wheat from the chaff is an expensive,
make sarcastic remarks to time-consuming and psychosis-inducing job.
I've done it so you don't have to.
strangers?
Jerry Seinfeld
WHY ARE SOME MOVIES
SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD?
As I've said, there are different types of who were never meant to act. Ambitious
good-bad. Things and Batman & Robin Playboy models, retired athletes, relatives
are both movies (well one of them is. Sort of Hollywood stars and, of course, rappers.
of.) They both amuse audiences with their So many rappers. That's not to mention the
deficiencies, but they are very different everyday talent vacuums who thought Robot
deficiencies that work their magic in very Holocaust would translate their high school
different ways. To understand what makes popularity into movie stardom.
a movie so bad it’s good, we need to
break down this peculiar contradiction But why can bad acting be funny? For one
into its contributing factors. thing it’s easy for the disbelief at what we're
witnessing to spill over into amusement.
The first and most obvious answer is
incompetence, something that's perhaps
most clearly and amusingly demonstrated
Deadly Prey
by actors. An important notion to establish
is that cinema has a language. There is a set
of codes or rules that
movies must adhere
to if they want us to
“It's hard to buy into them. Acting
| . th f performances that
explain the Tun run contrary to an
to be found in unwritten but well-
established set of
the right kind subtle techniques
of bad movie.” and inflections can
feel odd. Acting is
_ Roger Ebert an unquantifiable
discipline and not
everyone seems right
doing it. But it may
not be entirely the fault of the actor, even
the best can be left floundering by a lack of
rehearsal time, miscasting, poor direction or,
as is often the case with those who crop up
in this book, a propensity to be drunk all the
time. But, if we're honest, it’s usually just a
lack of talent. Bad movies are full of people
Some people just
ul e
Depending on our sense of humour there It's not fair to pick on actors alone when
can be a fine line between incredulity and incompetence can swamp a bad movie's
delight. There could also be a defence frame like dry ice filling in for a set. In
mechanism at play. A performance so wrong terms of our response as viewers, writing
that it threatens our concept of what's is perhaps closest to acting. Nonsense
normal might make us want to distance dialogue, inconsistent characterization,
ourselves from it. By laughing we're denying illogical plot progression, ridiculous
it respect, making it safe. It's a reflex, like scenarios... they all provide the same sort
our pupils narrowing in bright light. But of amusement. Technical disciplines are no
the main reason we laugh is undoubtedly different. We have an innate understanding
Schadenfreude. Whether we want to admit of how a shot should be lit, framed and
it or not, humans can derive a sense of blocked, how the camera should move, the
satisfaction from the failure of others. Most rhythm we should find in the editing. They
of us like to think we're intelligent, capable may be concepts we struggle to define
people. Watching supposed professionals and articulate, but we know when they're
do something badly can invigorate our done wrong. Many such shortcomings are
ego. We feel clever for having identified the result of a tight budget. But talented
their failure and emboldened by the belief filmmakers always seem to attract talented
we could have done better (we couldn't). It’s collaborators, and together they are able to
all subconscious, but these movies make us find solutions to budget-related problems.
feel smart. | call it Adam Sandler Syndrome. In a similar way, untalented filmmakers
It may not seem like an admirable human always seem to attract Reb Brown and
quality, but then nor is being Adam Sandler. fumble budget-related problems. »
“Ninja III distils the 80s
down into diamond-hard
pellets, dumps them into a
shotgun, and unloads both
barrels right in your face.”
-Rob Vaux
Incompetence is the bread and butter of the Rocky IV, Dirty Dancing and other joyfully
worst bad movies but it’s not for everyone. hackneyed movies are on the cusp of being
More universally appreciated is cheese. definable as good-bad, they either don’t go
Good old-fashioned corniness. On one quite far enough or are just too well made.
hand it’s the trigger for a sense of nostalgic Consider them entry level.
satisfaction. Fondly appreciated traits are
filed away in the back of our brains, from Excess can be important, too. Good-bad
where they prompt a warm, familiar feeling movies are usually low budget genre affairs:
whenever we recognize them in a movie. If horror, sci-fi and action being the mainstays.
these clichés are used excessively we can These movies have a clearly defined remit:
also enjoy them ironically. They take many action movies need to be exciting, horror
forms: a too-obvious attempt at a James movies need to be scary, etc. Big budget
Bond style one-liner; an improbable karate or small, good or bad, genre movies have
manoeuvre that floors the villain; a character specific boxes that require ticking. But if, for
we thought dead sweeping in to vanquish example, a good gothic horror uses a quill
the zombies at the last possible moment. dipped in red ink to elegantly demonstrate
Cheese is like a gateway drug on the its achievements on vintage parchment,
unsuspecting. It drip-feeds endorphins from its good-bad equivalent will wipe a
the brain's bad movie cortex straight into dismembered, blood-soaked arm across a
our corn gratification receptacles. Grease, sheet of printer paper and then beat us to
death with the wet end. That applies to all Stupidity (or the filmmaker's assumption their
areas in all genres, but particularly horror and audience is stupid) is the hardest component
action. For a good-bad movie, the stupider to distinguish because it's so often a crucial
and more extreme the better. Perhaps we element in the others. It’s wrapped up in
respond to such exaggerated nonsense incompetence, cheese and excess to some
because we feel we've seen something we extent, but it's also an increasingly important
shouldn't, or because we're surprised at the factor on its own. Many of the good-bad
extent of what's just happened. Either way movies of the new millennium have different
the effect is compounded by the sense we've characteristics to those of earlier eras.
formed an alliance with both the filmmakers _ Previously a typical good-bad filmmaker
and everyone in the room with us. By sharing might have made do with friends as actors,
in excessive (therefore outsider) tastes, we a single 16mm camera, enough negative for
identify each other as belonging to the same one take per scene, and a couple of days on
niche clique. Anyone can enjoy a battle of a Moviola to edit the results. Such limited
wits between a vigilante and the criminal resources have great potential to produce
who wronged him. Not so Charles Bronson amusing results. These days acting schools
blowing away scumbags with an elephant churn out thousands of trained performers
gun. That's an acquired taste. Fight scenes every month, and they'll work for peanuts
so brutal even the bystanders should be in to get footage for their demo reel. A quality
hospital, car chases that go on forever, gore image can be achieved with affordable digital
that seems to challenge the concept of human cameras that allow for as many takes as you
decency... it’s all good in a good-bad movie. need, and home editing software allows »
Anaconda
“Anaconda is such a
classic combination of
feckless dramaturgy
and rampant excess
that giving way to
giggles is the only
sane response.”
-Kenneth Turan
i
you to tinker away for as long as you like that matters, which can certainly be the case
shaping your opus. All this means the last (see scale to the right), but isn't always. Firstly,
refuge of good-bad movies is increasingly it's vital someone was trying. If you set out to
becoming stupidity. In other words, most make a bad movie on purpose the result will
bad genre movies are no longer bad enough be wretched. Even more importantly it can’t
to be good, but they can be stupid enough. be boring. A good-bad movie is essentially
Aside from the occasional melodramatic a bad movie that has something interesting
passion project from a delusional auteur, about it that keeps you engaged, for whatever
these days good-bad movies are as likely reasons. A movie can be extremely poorly
to be blockbusters that collapsed under the made and push the limits of taste into the
weight of their studio's ridiculous decision- realm of the implausible. But if it’s boring
making as they are incompetent B-movies. it isn’t going to be any fun. On the other
hand, if it's just a hectic stream of charmless,
If that criteria describes most bad movies, disjointed set pieces, it isn't going to be
then why are only a small percentage engaging, it's just going to be a Transformers
of them so bad they're good? The term movie. And there’s nothing remotely fun
suggests it's the extent of their shortcomings about that.
Period Covered
For a number of reasons this book focuses at least a generation removed from that
on movies released since 1970. Earlier which first anointed Ed Wood a legend. We
good-bad classics like Plan 9 from Outer grew up in video rental stores, not drive-in
Space and Robot Monster have been theatres. We essentially learnt a different
part of popular culture for well over half a language. If you look at even a good 50s
century and are discussed in any number of movie like Forbidden Planet, the acting
books. And for good reason, they're great. seems absurd, the effects are laughable,
Conversely, there are so many unheralded the technical elements basic. You have to
gems from later (the VHS era in particular) recognize the context to appreciate it. If
that it seems like there's a bottomless pit of you show it to a bunch of teenagers today
potential. Dozens of distributors are focused they'll laugh themselves silly (I've seen it
on finding the next Miami Connection or happen). In spite of it being a great movie
Samurai Cop. These distributors know the it strikes a lot of the notes you’d expect to
modern audience for good-bad movies is hear from a bad one made 30 years later.
“One is always
considered mad
when one perfects
something that .
others cannot
grasp.”
-Ed Wood
14
“All of a sudden
| found myself
doing things like
Robot Monster
and |didn’t know
what the devil
was going on.”
-Elmer Bernstein
So it’s hard to put something like Plan 9 from more. The public's interests and expectations
Outer Space alongside a modern movie like developed. And Hollywood is still dealing
Jupiter Ascending and judge them both by in derivatives of a handful of movies that
the same criteria. Battle Beyond the Stars changed cinema soon after. Star Wars, Jaws,
may have been made nearly 40 years ago, Halloween and others defined the template
but it speaks the same language as the that most genre movies still work to today.
Wachowski siblings’ Jovian catastrophe. The Subsequent inspirations and innovations
dialect might have developed, but they can amount to evolution, not revolution. The
still communicate with each other. | shudder VHS boom then created a plethora of fly-by-
to think what they'd talk about. A sea change night production companies that churned
in the style, tone and nature of genre movies out truckloads of good-bad fodder. Strip the
took place during the late 60s and 70s. The surface elements away and genre movies
collapse of the production code opened haven't changed much since. Go back much
the floodgates to gore, violence, nudity and further and they're suddenly very different. »
15
The Issue of Sincerity
Key to the appeal of a good-bad movie handful of comedies but, just like any other
is the intention behind it. Essentially they movie, it's crucial they have a significant
cannot be self-aware and someone has unintentional amusement element.
to have tried to make a good movie. That
means tongue-in-cheek offerings like Flash It can be hard to tell if a movie is taking
Gordon or Killer Klowns from Outer Space itself seriously or deliberately trying to be
don't qualify because they self-consciously good-bad (like the Sharknado series). Many
riff on camp appeal a little too much. But at think Birdemic: Shock and Terror falls into
least they're great movies. There's nothing the latter camp. It doesn’t, but its sequel
worse than an intentionally bad movie, no might. That was made to capitalize on the
matter how cleverly calibrated it might be to ironic appeal of the first movie, which is
meet the good-bad ethos. It’s vital that there why it's not as much fun. The only suspicious
was a sincere attempt to do the best work example to make it into the book is After Last
possible. That means stuff like Octozooka Season. All | can do is make a judgement,
vs. Megaflamingo, and whatever else has and | reckon it's real. Though, on balance,
recently rolled off The Asylum's conveyor | think | would prefer to live in a world in
belt of crap, is not included. There are a which it wasn’t.
Flash Gordon
43. Si legge nella lex de imperio Vespasiani (C. I. L. VI, 930, 17-19): utique
quaecunque ex usu reipubblicae majestate divinarum huma[na]rum
publicarum privatarumque rerum esse censebit, ei agere facere jus
potestasque sit ita uti divo Augusto.... Le ragioni per cui crediamo
doversi riportare a questo momento il conferimento di questa autorità
quasi illimitata, si trovano esposte in G. Ferrero, Grandezza e
Decadenza di Roma, IV, p. 188.
44. Dion. Cass., 54, 12. Ferrero, Grandezza e Decadenza di Roma, IV, p.
293.
CAPITOLO NONO
LA SUCCESSIONE DI AUGUSTO
47. Sulla catastrofe di Varo le opere più recenti sono Gailly de Taurines,
Les legions de Varus, Paris, 1911; e W. A. Oldfather and H. Vernon
Canter, The defeat of Varus and the German frontier Policy of
Augustus, in University of Illinois Studies, 1915.
CAPITOLO DECIMO
TIBERIO [48]
(14-37 d. C.)