Hi, I'm David D'Angelo.

This is Deep Inner Game, a conversation with

David D'Angelo and Doctor Paul. I'd like to introduce you to my friend
Doctor Paul. The thing that really is interesting about Doctor Paul, the
thing that differentiates him from from a lot of other people that
practice in the area of psychology, psychiatry and helping people is that
not only has Doctor Paul helped many thousands of people overcome
just about every type of inner game issue that exists, but he's also
created what you might call a unification theory. He has a system that
he calls Mind OS that he's going to introduce you to and that he and I
are going to discuss. And it has unified all of the great theories of
psychology. And he's also brought a lot of his own material to the to the
table. And he's going to, I think he's really going to blow your mind with a
lot of this stuff because he's got tools, techniques, systems, step by step
processes that you can take immediately use to knock out a lot of your
challenges to help you get to a much higher level. So we please give a
warm welcome to my good friend Dr. Paul. How's it going? Excellent. You
know, I think we just got to start with the sword. I was. I was hoping you
would. You know, he and I were going out to the store yesterday and
we're getting some stuff and I'm throwing in the back of the car and this
thing's sitting on the back seat. I'm like, what are you doing with a sword
in your car? Never know when you might need one. And that was his

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answer. So we're going to keep this up on stage and I don't know what
we're going to use it for, but I just want you to know it's there. OKI just
want you to know. I had kind of an idea for it. Symbols are really
important. And, you know, symbols are really very much ingrained into
my theory. Yeah, and into the idea of masculine identity. And I have an
excellent book of symbols here called Signs and Symbols by Miranda
Bruce Mitford. How do you spell the last name of that person?
MIBRUCEMITFORD and mentioned swords and it says. In all cultures the
sword stands for power and strength. A sword taken from an enemy is a
symbol of victory and to receive a sword when knighted for example, is
to be given authority. The sword divides good from evil and cuts through
ignorance. Many gods, heroes and Saints hold a sword and I was thinking
about how silly I thought of it at first to have a sword on stage, but then
when I thought some more about the symbolism it. Kind of made more
sense that a real gentleman wouldn't feel silly holding a sword. So maybe
if we have people come up on stage, they have to hold the sword, Give
them the authority. Fascinating. You didn't know you were going to get a
free comedy show, did you? All right, so let's talk about Deep Inner
Game. So to begin with, a warning. What we're about to share with you is
not medical advice, Okay. What we're sharing is our opinions and our
experiences and what has worked for us. If you suspect that you might
have some type of medical or psychological problem, please seek
professional help first. The materials presented as entertainment and is
not in any way to be confused with medical advice, Understand. I'd like to
read from the book The Inner Game of tennis, okay, so from The Inner

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Game of Tennis by Timothy Galway. And it's interesting because I think
that this very well may be where the term inner game really originated,
was in this book, the inner game of tennis. And I'm not a tennis player,
but after doing a little bit of research I, you know, came across this book.
He also wrote another book called The Inner Game of Work. And as soon
as I opened it up, the very beginning, right at the beginning of the
introduction, it says every game is composed of two parts, an outer
game and an inner game. The outer game is played against an external
opponent to overcome external obstacles and to reach an external goal.
Mastering this game is the subject of many books offering instructions
on how to swing a racket, club or bat, how to position arms, legs or torso
to achieve the best results. But for some reason most of us find these
instructions easier to remember than to execute. Is the thesis of this
book that neither mastery nor satisfaction can be found in the playing
of any game without giving some attention to the relatively neglected
skills of the inner game. This is the game that takes place in the mind of
the player, and it is played against such obstacles as lapses in
concentration, nervousness, self doubt, self condemnation. In short, it is
played to overcome all habits of mind which inhibit excellence in
performance. Have you ever had an obstacle such as a lapse in
concentration, nervousness, self doubt, or self condemnation when
interacting with a woman? Raise your hand if you've ever had one of
those Okay thought wow, that's fascinating. Same stuff happens in
tennis. Same stuff happens in all areas of life that are important to us.
So in this program, we're going to go quote, UN quote deep. We're gonna

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go really deep. Most people in our modern society are seeking quick
fixes for their deep problems. The problems they've created in their lives
are almost always much more complex than they realize. In this program,
we're going to take some of the concepts you've been introduced to in
my other programs and focus on depth. Some of the material we're
going to cover here is going to challenge you, and some of it might not
be comfortable. I believe that if you make the commitment to work with
what we're going to teach you, you'll start to find that your problems
begin to solve themselves. Our goal is to help you succeed with women
and dating. The materials, concepts, tools we're gonna share with you are
going to be focused on one ultimate goal, success with women and
dating. It's our opinion that women are typically not attracted to men
who don't have their inner game issues handled. We're gonna share our
own research, personal step by step techniques and cutting edge
scientific discoveries from others to help you create an inner you that
naturally attracts women. We believe that if you take the tools that we're
gonna share and then you use them, success is almost guaranteed. The
90 day commitment, 90 day commitment. You know, I think it's really
important. You've probably heard me say this many times. I say it at the
beginning of most of my programs that you make a 90 day commitment
to yourself, a personal commitment. This is between you and you. So
you're going to spend an hour a day for the next 90 days, one hour a day
working on these materials. Why is that? Because I know if you'll invest
an hour a day for 90 days a row in yourself, that you'll form an
unconscious habit. Okay. You'll wire that up like a groove and a record,

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and then it'll just be natural for you. So 90 days. So Doctor Paul and I sat
and we came up with a list of questions, questions that we thought
really cut to the chase, to the heart of the matter. These are questions
we'd like to ask you, like you to consider. Maybe you haven't thought
about some of these things. Maybe you have. Maybe you've wondered
how to solve them. And we got a, we got a bunch of them. They're
probably 20 or 25 of them here that I want to go through like you. To
answer honestly, did you ever find that you couldn't say no to a girl, or
you were bothered by a girl who said no to you and it ate at you to the
point where you just felt like giving up forever? Have you ever changed
your identity for a woman and tried to act like you were someone
different than you are? Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer
than you should have because you didn't feel like you could leave? Have
you ever been in a longterm relationship that drained you
psychologically and emotionally, but you didn't know what to do about
it? Have you ever been taken advantage of by a girl and later got mad at
yourself for it? Have you ever tried to get a girl to lead you by getting
her to choose where you go for dinner, what you do together, etcetera,
only to have her get more and more unhappy with the relationship and
ultimately leave even though you were just trying to please her? Have
you ever been paralyzed by analysis and you didn't feel like you could
act until you had figured it all out in your mind first? Have you ever
been obsessed with a girl and you just couldn't stop thinking about her
and feeling strong emotions for her no matter what you did? Did you
ever find that you were just going along, enjoying your life, always busy

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and on the go, and one day you woke up and asked yourself, why don't I
have a great woman in my life? Have you ever gotten a great idea that
you were going to master an area of your life and then gave up early on
and didn't have the discipline to be organized and follow through? Have
you ever tried out a trick technique that you thought might work with a
woman in the real world in real time and you couldn't make it happen?
You screwed up or dropped the ball and hours later it came to you?
What you should have done? You ever had that one where you obsess
about it for like 4 hours you go, damn it, wanna press the rewind button?
Have you ever had poor ethics with a woman and you used her and you
later missed her and felt bad about your behavior? Have you ever stayed
in the same environment trying this and that, but nothing worked and it
never occurred to you to move to a different environment? Have you
ever been paralyzed by fear with a woman? Have you ever had an anger
or temper problem with a woman, whether or not she actually saw it?
Have you ever had a situation with a woman that actually led to
depression? Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted that
one special girl, even though she wasn't interested in you and even
though you had many other options? You know, we went through a lot
of issues there. But raise your hand if more than five of those hit home
for you. Yeah, some intense stuff. Would you, Would you feel like we had
a successful program if we covered all of those issues, made it so that
you could solve all those things and didn't have to deal with them
anymore? Good. All right, your top three problems. Your problems. What
I'd like you to do right now is take out a piece of paper. I'd like you to

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write down your top three intergame problems, your personal ones for
you. No copying off your neighbor's sheet there. Choose your own. Write
down your top three intergame problems. As you're writing those down,
I'd like to say, you know, I want you to focus on these issues throughout
the program. I want you to apply what you're going to learn to those
three issues. We're going to share tools to solve the problems and in the
process teach you how to do things that will not only help your inner
game, but also help you become far more attractive to women. So I think
that if you have a goal, you have something kind of top of mind, your
problems, your issues, and you're thinking about how to apply the tools
to those issues, you're going to get a lot more out of the program. And if
you're just kind of listening, OK, so write down your issues. Who'd be
willing to share the back over there? We stand up. OK, my name is Andy
from San Diego and what I wrote down was I get self-conscious,
insecure and uncomfortable when interacting with women. Unconscious,
insecure. And uncomfortable and uncomfortable. Anybody else identify
with that? Good. Thank you. Who else stand up? Hi, I'm Scott from Los
Angeles. I have remorse issues of various depth and intensity from
encouraging interest and attraction in a woman with whom I do not
aspire to have a relationship. Interesting. Ever attract a woman that was
not good for you? Ever been addicted to a woman that wasn't good for
you? Yeah. Really. Raise your hand if you've ever been addicted to a
woman that wasn't good for you. Isn't that interesting? Raise your hand
if you've been addicted to more than three that weren't good for you
simultaneously. OK, good. Who else? Who else? Stand up in the back. Hi,

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I'm Jeff from Florida. I have to have things be perfect, or I have to feel
that things are perfect or else it's not a success. Perfectionist. Yeah.
Yeah, it's got to be perfect. Who else? Couple more. We stand up. Bob
from Washington. My main one is fear that I won't have anything to say
after high. Raise your hand if you've ever been afraid that you wouldn't
have anything to say after high. So you didn't even say hi. Good. My
biggest problem is doubt. Just self doubt. You know, it gets so bad to the
point where it just paralyzes me, you know it consumes me. So paralyzing
self doubt. Yeah, this gentleman right here. Hello, I'm Wertel from Miami. I
have problems with self doubt, self-confidence and self esteem. Man, we
got a lot of problems in this room, huh? We should up the price, we
think. We need some difficult problems. We are so gonna nail each of
those problems. It's fantastic. All right, go rent or buy the movie The
Count of Monte Cristo, as we're going to be using it later in this
presentation as a teaching aid. Get the 2002 remake as that's the one
we're going to use to be making reference to throughout later portions
of the program. And try to watch it as soon as possible as it contains
material that will help to fit all the pieces together that we're going to
share with you. All right. So what we're going to do now is we're going to
move into a lot of really deep inner game stuff. Dr. Paul is gonna share
with you his Mind OS system and his kind of unified theory of
psychology and some incredible tools. So take it away. All right, thanks.
This terminology mind OS I and my team came up with to indicate the
operating system, the human mind, and that's exactly what I'd like to.
Show you today in its entirety. It's a visual method of solving problems

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psychologically and we're going to apply it specifically to deep inner
game today. But if you think about if anybody's ever had therapy or gone
to coaching and things like this in the past, that's always a verbal thing
that people do. There are a lot of folks that are visual learners though,
and one of the things that. I wanted to bring the sword to demonstrate
is that symbols are really interesting things. They're different from
words. A symbol has millions of pieces of information attached to it, so
it's really economical. It's like a picture is worth 1000 words. So that's one
of the reasons that what I'm about to show you is so powerful, because
it's a visual way of understanding psychology and it's a kind of language.
A mathematical scientific language that you can learn to speak, to
quickly understand yourself and your deep inner game and solve
problems as well. It uses normal everyday language and I felt that was
important too. In other seminar some of you may have heard me define
the word elegance and elegant means to take the complex and render it
as simple. So what you'll see is a lot of simple words. But what's working
underneath them, just like the machine code of an operating system on a
computer, is, It appears simple on the surface, but there's real science
operating underneath. So in other words, to my knowledge, everything
you're gonna see works eventually, Every time. So you can count on it. It's
not just fluff or advice or anecdotes, Okay. A lot of it comes from the
research. How many people have you worked with using this material to
this today? About 4000 people, 4000 people, no. And that's one-on-one.
One-on-one and in groups. And in groups, yeah. And how? How often do
you have success with this material? That's what's kind of odd about it.

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Unlike a lot of science that came before this notion of a unification
theory, you know, there's always. A fair degree of error, but for some
reason most people that I show this to, if given enough time and enough
practice and a little bit of discipline, either don't come back and don't
need to, or they come back and they say I just need a little tune up. I
carry these diagrams around in my wallet and I just whip them out and I
instantly know what to do. And that's the that's the thing that really
drew me to it is that he has a he has simplified a lot of complex
psychological concepts, and he's used them over and over and over and
tested them and refined them and tested them and refined them to the
point where now they work, now they're real streamlined. So you know,
Dave, I've been thinking a lot about your stuff and if this MIND OS
material, this operating system is what I say it is, yeah, your material, the
DYD material is the most amazing. Software for dating and perhaps
relationships that I've ever seen. And that's one of the things that
attracted me to your material. And I wondered what it would be like to
sort of combine the Windows XP with the most amazing software ever.
And I'm thinking about one of your most core ideas. That attraction is
not a choice. What I teach is character. The anatomy of character and I
feel confident in making the statement. Character is attraction, both
being attractive and attracting women. Character is what what does it.
The nature of your character is very relevant to the kind of woman that
you find yourself attracting, so character is also a choice. If you have a
thing I'm going to teach you about called observing ego. Most people in
life walk around and don't have observing Ego. They don't have the

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ability to monitor their own behavior in real time, and they get fixated.
They get stuck at a certain level of maturity. And so to them, character
doesn't seem like a choice. It's it's what they are and they're never going
to change. But if you put all these just what are essentially equations
together, you can eventually learn to control your attraction given
enough time and attractiveness. I love this quote. Character is destiny.
That quote probably is about the core of all my material. Character is
Destiny. Sigmund Freud. Sigmund Freud. Love saying that. So a lot of
guys wander around thinking things to themselves. Like, you know, why
me? Why can't I do this? Why can't I get what I want? Why can't I get a
good woman? Well, it's it's all up to you. But first you have to be
conscious enough to be able to work on your own character. And if you
do that, you will get everything you want. You'll get the destiny that you
want to have thinking about symbols and names and story and your
identity as man. In presenting all the more scientific material that I have
for you, I realized that a lot of people have told me it's sort of like
drinking from a fire hydrant. I have a lot of stuff to show you. In fact, I'd
like to show you all of psychology in one day as applied to deep inner
game. Other folks say they love the amount of material I give them and
they can just geek out for months about it. So you'll be somewhere
between those two extremes. There should be something for everybody.
One thing I thought of doing, though, is adding to the complex science,
adding a little bit of storytelling to kind of balance things out. And I
thought of some questions that are pretty important that you may not
have thought a lot about. For example, what is your symbol? Does

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anybody in here have a symbol that encapsulates who they are? Symbol
carries millions of bits of information about something. Every man
should have a symbol of his own. Me and both of my brothers share a
similar symbol, a tattoo, and it kind of bonds us together. Second
question, What story do you belong to? Life is a story, and part of your
goal in life is to discover what your story is that you belong to, and in a
way surrender to that and head toward your destiny. If you have these
two things, you have a start on what would be called group identity.
What group of people do you belong to? Are you guys writing down
answers to these questions? Think about picking a symbol that really
represents you, and maybe a story or your favorite film that feels close
to what your life is or what you would want it to be. Most modern men
never stop to think of these sorts of things. Hundreds of years ago they
did and still do today in Aboriginal cultures for what are called initiation
rights, absent for modern boys who want to become men. Like most
modern boys and men, Sting the performer, did not have an involved
father, nor an orderly initiation, a story to belong to, a symbol or an
eventual identity that guided him in a community of men around him. He
had to piece all these together. Here's a quote from Sting's
autobiography. It's pretty interesting. You might want to pick it up, he
said. I I formed a strategy, a vague one, but nonetheless a strategy that
the bass, while far from being flashy, would suit the covert side of my
personality much better than the guitar. It would be a quieter heroism I
would seek stoic and grounded like my father's. My ambitions would
become concrete from the ground up, hidden yet effective. I would

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suppress my desire to shine spectacularly in favor of digging deep and
marking time in what I somehow knew would become a long campaign.
But I really imagine I would somehow become a successful musician. So
Sting made his own strategy, and that led him to find a story. Some
people don't know the origin of his His name and nickname is that as a
as a child, he didn't have many clothes and he happened to wear an odd
black and yellow rugby shirt that made him look like a bee. And the other
kids teased him and called him Sting. And yet he transformed that word
and that symbol into a pretty good representation of mature masculine
power later on. And you are all charged with that same kind of task,
turning the symbols of boyhood into your own symbol of unique
manhood. A couple nights ago, I had a strange dream. And in a way, kind
of a nightmare I was. Obviously, this seminar has been on my mind and
there were signs being put up at this seminar that said Doctor Phil. And I
was kind of upset by this. And I was like, wait a minute, I'm not Doctor
Phil. I'm Doctor Paul. And I may not be so well known as Doctor Phil, but I
had this sense of urgency. I really had to solve this problem anyway. My
unconscious mind solved it for me. Dreams are a kind of storytelling that
your unconscious mind tells you. Stories guide you. And the way things
went for me is I had this recognition that the only difference between
me and Doctor Phil in our symbol, the spelling of our names, is that his
middle 2 letters say hi and he's an appealingly friendly guy of course. But
I was thinking, you know, my name is not very well known. Paul and my 2
middle letters were actually AU. And that was the difference between me
and him. All of a sudden I realized in the dream that AU is the universal

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symbol for gold. So it was really kind of a wild, little silly realization I had
that I found value in a symbol in my name that I never knew before. I
thought Paul was kind of an ordinary sounding, you know, Christian
name, but there's gold right in the middle of it. I woke up and recognized
I've delivered hundreds of seminars, but I've not had occasion to speak to
quite the specific things we're going to talk about today. And it struck
me, I've spent the last two decades of scientific training even more,
actually my whole life, just for this moment with you, just to speak to
you in particular. I'll do more things with my life, but for now I'm going to
bring my whole self to the table today and tomorrow for your benefit.
The story I've agreed to be a part of has led me right here, right now,
and you're a part of it. So I've trained all my life just to talk to you today.
It's true. The symbol I'd never noticed buried in my name was a reminder
of my identity among you. And I do intend to give you maps to find
psychological gold. Let's think about the term gentlemen. A gentleman is
not a gentleman. Until the 19th century, the term gentleman had a quasi
legal status. As a rule, the traditional English gentleman was high born.
The word gentle is originally a word meaning to raise, to high position or
to a noble. The Oxford Dictionary describes a gentleman in one of two
ways. Either you're born of of noble birth or you demonstrate, regardless
of your rank, chivalrous conduct, consideration for others and high
character. Remember, character is destiny, so to be a gentleman is a
choice. And it is not about being gentle or polite all the time. And it's
certainly not about being the W word. And that's part of the reason I
brought the sword. You know, I was messing around with ideas for the

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seminar with with my brothers, and I said, hey, I'm going to bring a
sword. And they kind of laughed at that. And they're like, isn't that kind
of stupid and silly? But when I thought about this notion of being a
gentleman, A gentleman is comfortable with conflict and war and
fighting and certainly the symbol of a sword. So it shouldn't be a silly
thing to be able to hold a sword and feel comfortable even in this day
and age. This is from an excellent book, if you'll hold that up, Dave. Which
one? Absent Fathers, Lost Sons Absent Fathers, Lost Sons by Guy Cornell.
He's a psychoanalyst. Amazing coverage of all the concepts you care
about. Absent fathers, Lost sons. Guy Cornell. Yeah, CORNEAU, he says. A
man is not a man until he has accessed his raw untamed energy and
taken pleasure in his capacity to fight and defend himself. Only then can
he transform his blind rage into the power to commit himself, to handle
tensions and to make difficult decisions. A feeling of inner security also
develops. It is based on his realization that whatever happens to go
wrong, he can get help from his inner resources, from the basic energy
of his aggression. Anybody in here not like conflict avoided at any cost.
Maybe it's difficult to be a gentleman if you avoid conflict. So we have
two ways of teaching you about some amazing powers that are inside
you, inside your inner resources. One way is gonna be some of the
analytical tools. I'm gonna teach you the mind OS technology and David's
DYD technology. But also, stories are gonna be important today. Much of
what much of what I do with the visual diagrams, I have. Diagrams can all
be represented as mathematical equations. And I have a lot of equations
that sort of break all of deep inner game down into atoms, if you will,

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psychological atoms. And from those atoms, you can learn to build any
kind of molecule of masculine power that you need for your life. One of
the core equations I use that you're going to learn the meaning of as we
go along is about what I call mature masculine power. Mature masculine
power is your observing ego ability that I'm about to teach you about,
plus mature personal boundary function, which I'm going to teach you
about a little later. Plus confidence. Any list of words that describe what
you think a real man is is covered by this equation. When we talk about
the notion of cool, somebody who keeps their cool, somebody who has
presence when they walk in a room, that's a function of your observing
ego. Somebody who's decisive and has preferences and wants this and
not that, is able to say no and hear no from women, to tolerate rejection,
to actually welcome rejection, has mature personal boundary function.
And then lastly, confidence. We all know what that is. Sean Connery
quote What's your secret with women? Confidential, confidential
confidence. Just a SEC here, I want to comment. Wouldn't it be
interesting if you welcomed rejection from women? If you welcomed
rejection, did you hear him say that? Isn't that interesting that a
gentleman would welcome rejection from women? Welcome. Just try to
get your mind around that idea. We'll talk more about it. Obviously every
rejection you get is a chance to grow it. It's giving you power. So
welcome it. I want to tell you a story now, the the first of several stories.
This can be useful, and it's a it's a lesson for men. Originally it was a
lesson for women too, and it's the story of Bluebeard and your
psychology is like a house, your reality is like a house, and when you

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relate to a woman, you're inviting her into your house. I want to show
you that it's not a good idea to let her have full access to every single
room of the house. Bluebeard also explains how to be the opposite of a
gentleman. Once Upon a time in the fairland of France there lived a very
powerful Lord, the owner of estates, farms and a great splendid castle,
and his name was Bluebeard. This wasn't his real name, it was a nickname
due to the fact that he a long shaggy black beard with glints of blue in
it. He was very handsome and charming, a bad boy. But if the truth be
told, there was something about him that made you feel respect and a
little uneasy. Bluebeard often went away to war, and when he did, he left
his wife in charge of the castle. He had lots of wives, all young, pretty
and noble, as bad luck would have it. One after the other, they all had
died, and so the noble Lord was forever getting married again. Nobody
found anything strange about that, nor did the sweet and beautiful
young girl the Bluebeard took as a wife. A month or so later, Bluebeard
had the carriage brought round and said to his wife. Darling, I must leave
you for a few weeks, but keep cheerful during that time. Invite whoever
you like to look and look after the castle here, he added, handing his
bride a bunch of keys. You'll need these, the keys of the safe, the Armory
and the library keys, and this one which opens all the room doors. Now
this little key here. He pointed to a key that was much smaller than the
others. Opens the little room at the end of the great round floor
corridor. Take your friends where you want. Open any door you like, but
not this one. Is that quite clear? Not this one. Nobody at all is allowed to
enter that little room. And if you ever did go into it, I would go into such

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a terrible rage that it's better that you don't. Don't worry, husband, Said
Bluebeard's wife as she took the keys. I'll do as you say. After giving her
a hug, Bluebeard got into his carriage, whipped up the horses and off he
went. The days went by. The young girl invited her friends to the castle
and showed them round the rooms except the one at the end of the
corridor. Why shouldn't I see inside the little room? She said. Why? Why is
it forbidden? Well, she thought about it so much that she ended up
bursting with curiosity, until one day she opened the door and walked
into the little room of all ghastly horrors. Inside, hanging on the walls,
were all the bodies of Bluebeard's wives. He had strangled them all with
his own hands. Terror stricken, the girl ran from the room, but the bunch
of keys slipped from her grasp. She picked them up without a glance and
hurried to her own room, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. Horrors,
she was living in a castle of the dead. So that is what happened to
Bluebeard's other wives. The girl summed up her courage, and she
noticed that one of the keys, the very key to the little room, was stained
with blood. I must wipe it clean before my husband comes back, she said.
But try she would. The bloodstain wouldn't wash away. She washed, she
scrubbed, and she rinsed it all in vain, for the key was still red. That very
evening, Bluebeard came home. Just imagine the state his poor wife was
in. Bluebeard did not ask his wife for the keys that same evening, But he
remarked. You look a little upset, darling. Has anything nasty happened?
Oh, no, no, she said. Are you sorry I came back so soon? Oh, no, I'm
delighted, she said. But that night, the bride didn't sleep a wink. The next
day, Bluebeard said Darling give back the keys, and his wife hurriedly did

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so. Then he remarked. There's one missing. The key to the little room is
there? Said the young girl. I must have left it in my room. All right, go
and get it, Bluebeard, said Bluebeard, Bluebeard's wife, put the key into
his hand and he turned white in a deep, hoarse voice, demanding. Why is
this key stained with blood? I don't know, stammered his wife. You know
very well, you retorted. You went into the little room, didn't you? Well,
you'll go back again, this time for good and with all the other ladies in
there, and I thought you might like to read this line. You must die. You
must die. In essence, what happens is Bluebeard's wife's brothers arrive
on the scene and they draw their swords. They leap towards Bluebeard,
who was fleeing up some stairs and they caught him and killed him. And
that was the end of the sad story. What do you make of that?
Psychologically, this story is just packed with lessons for men and
originally it was intended for women. It was in Victorian times. It was to
scare women into chastity. You know that the Bluebeard is this
frightening man. You better watch out being around men. But if you look
at this really strictly psychoanalytically, it describes what's called the
female Oedipus. And what that is, is all people go through an Oedipus
phase of life in their toddler years, like age 4 to 6. And for women, they
notice there's some sort of mysterious power about Daddy that he has
over. Mommy might not be able to put it into words, but small girls can
see in action that Daddy has some sort of power. This is a, you know, a
pretty intense metaphor. But specifically speaking this, this hidden room
in Bluebeard's house is essentially his fly. It's it's the the the deepest
inner secrets of masculine power. Now, how many of you guys tend to

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give away your power to women? Tell them all your secrets. Tell them
every detail about your life, all of your feelings. Does anybody do that or
admit to it OK? Wait a SEC. Raise your hand if you've ever given away all
your secrets. Let her into every room, giving her whatever she wanted.
All right, Good. All right, you need to always have some secrets that are
so deeply privately yours in your masculinity, even within a marriage, to
keep it healthy. Now, Bluebeard's error was in giving her the key. Don't
even give her the key. The interesting thing about it, as far as women's
psychology goes, is the female Oedipus is part of the reason that women
can't resist secrets they have to know. And the best selling books today
are romance novels. Women are the number one buyers of books today,
and mainly romance novels. It's because women can't resist a secret. All
right, So let that story digest. It's going to be relevant over and over
again. I have another story for you and we're going to learn a lot more
about this at lunchtime, but it's a very, very positive and detailed story
for men called The Count of Monte Cristo, which is considered by many
to be the greatest novel ever written. It shows a true gentleman in his
development. This is a classic story of an innocent man wrongly but
deliberately imprisoned and his brilliant strategy for revenge against
those who betrayed him. Dashing young sailor Edmund Dantes is a
guileless and honest young man, a nice guy and the W word who whose
peaceful life? Who lives a peaceful life and plans to marry the beautiful
Mercedes. His plans are abruptly shattered when his best friend
Ferdinand, who wants Mercedes for himself, deceives him. Set up by the
unlawfully set up to be unlawfully sentenced to the infamous island

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prison of Chateau D'if, Edmond is trapped in a nightmare that lasts for 13
years, haunted by the baffling course his life has taken Over time,
everything he ever believed about right and wrong is abandoned and
replaced by an all consuming thought of vengeance against those who
betrayed him. Now in the prison, with the help of an equally innocent
fellow inmate and priest, Dantes plots and succeeds in his mission to
escape from prison, whereupon he transforms himself into the
mysterious and wealthy Count of Monte Cristo. With cunning
ruthlessness, he cleverly insinuates himself into the French nobility and
systematically destroys the men who manipulated and enslaved him. He
finds that as a man his he has become an arm of both Providence and
divine justice. With his new power he has grown from naivete, but he
must also now learn to to turn away from revenge and do good with his
mature, masculine power. So in a nutshell, this story, The Count of Monte
Cristo, is a road map for all masculine development, from boyhood to
mature manhood. And if you ran and watch the film or or read the novel,
you'll see a progression of each stage of a man's life. And all of us, at any
point in time, are somewhere along the progression of this story. One of
the most crucial scenes in the movie or in the novel is where Edmund
Dante's has been imprisoned and his prison is essentially low character.
His prison is boyhood and boyish thinking, it's all a metaphor. He needs
to find a way to get out, and he's eventually confronted with either
diving off a Cliff or just staying in the prison, diving into the unknown.
We're just staying with the less mature, boyish familiar, OK, can you
understand how how difficult a decision that would be to be at the edge

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of a Cliff? It's either prison or dive into the water off a deep Cliff. And
that's the emotional feeling of somebody who is charged with growing
some new character, putting on a whole new way of doing your life. It's
easy to go into the familiar and just stay with the familiar of Boyhood.
It's difficult to dive into the unknown. So my question to you is what kind
of life do you want? Do you want a life ending like that of Bluebeard or
are you willing to follow the challenges faced by The Count of Monte
Cristo? Do you want the rewards of the treasure of Monte Cristo, which
was said to be the the greatest treasure of all time? Old galleon ships?
Gold. Gold from under the Temple of Solomon. It was the the hugest
treasure ever known. What is this treasure, though metaphorically as a
symbol in the story? What is this treasure? The treasure go richness of
life. You think the treasure is richness of life? Something like that. All the
rewards of high character is what the treasure is. The money means
nothing. What matters is the high character. Money is a side effect of
high character. Having a rich relationship with a woman or friendships
with many women is a side effect of high character. High station political
power or side effects of high character. Got to go for the character first.
Well, what is the map to that treasure? While he was in prison, the priest
who was imprisoned with him gave him a map to the treasure of Monte
Cristo. That map is any guidance that teaches you character and I plan to
give it to you. That map, a treasure map. The treasure of Monte Cristo is
none other than high character. A map to that treasure is none other
than the process of initiation into mature masculinity. It leads to your
own gold. Sometimes in this process you can feel lonely. Your life

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belongs only to you and to no one else. But remember, there are
generations of men behind you. Biologists say life is irritable, the
environment does things to us, and then we do things back on purpose.
And what that implies is a decision has been made. OK, so a living thing
makes decisions. That would be the most core definition of a living thing.
In a way. Even trees are alive because they make a crude kind of
decision. Their branches grow towards sunlight, not towards shade. Rocks
aren't alive, they can't decide to roll uphill. And how much more
complicated are we human beings than rocks or trees? So we can make
pretty complex decisions. Have you ever thought of this before? The
sum total of your life and its quality just amounts to the sum of all the
decisions you've ever made. Do you ever think about that? If you weren't
capable of making a decision, then you wouldn't eat and maybe you
wouldn't sleep and you would soon die. Life requires decisions, and
making decisions gives you more life to your life. So this diagram that I
have up here has you in your current mental state, and you have two
directions you could go. You could either make no decisions on purpose
for your life, and if you do that, you'll kind of drift downward in the
quality of your life and in your maturity level, if you will. It'd be a kind of
psychological atrophy or breakdown way. At the bottom of that arrow is
essentially death at the very end of it. Things like depression, addictions,
decline in your mental health. The up arrow is where you make decisions.
Any decision you make causes psychological growth. And there are two
kinds of decision. Every decision you've ever made has either been
destructive or constructive, or it wasn't a decision. Every decision you've

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ever made has affected you and others at least a little bit destructively,
or at least a little bit constructively. Otherwise, it wasn't a decision. I
want to join this with another idea, how we spend time. There are three
ways that we go around every day spending time. We spend time in the
past, in our heads, in the present or in the future. Have you ever driven
to work? And it's kind of a long drive and you don't quite remember how
you got there. You just sort of arrived and it's like, oh, here I am. You
didn't make a purposeful decision about each turn, this sort of thing,
right? So where was your mind during the drive? Anybody somewhere
else in time? You are either daydreaming about the future, or you're
thinking about the past, right? While you're in the past or the future, you
are essentially on autopilot. Okay. When you're in the present, you're not.
You're in control now. There are several things that can only be done in
the present moment, like making decisions. Can you make decisions in
the past that's gone, about the girl who broke up with you, or that you
made mistakes with? No, it's gone. Can you make decisions in the future
that's not here yet? No, You can only make decisions in the present
moment frame of mind. So what this means is that the present is the
time frame in which you are most alive. Does that make sense? Other
things you can only do in the present are take action. Use your five
senses. You can't necessarily smell something from the future or really
vividly taste something from the past. You can only do those things in
the present moment. You can also only have intimacy with others in the
present moment. Have you ever had a, have you ever had a, like a college
buddy that you only saw like every six months and it was only when he

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had just been broken up with? No, I had a buddy like that in college. And,
you know, I would only see him every six months and he'd be like, hey,
man, we got to get together. It's been too long, you know, so and so
broke up with me. And then we get together and you'd be trying to
understand where he's coming from, what it's been like for him. And he's
sort of looking at the TV and looking around and and it doesn't feel very
connected. All right? That friendship didn't feel very connected. I was in
the present, but why didn't it feel very connected or intimate? Cuz he
was in the past or the future all the time. So intimacy, and this is
extremely relevant for you and women. You can only truly have a
connection and an intimacy when you are both present minded at the
same time, when you're not on autopilot. Well, with these two concepts
lead up to the idea that decisions are the definition of your life and that
the present is the time frame in which you are most alive. Full of life is
that there's one other skill that can only be done in the present moment,
and that's what's called observing ego. OK, Observing ego is the only
human skill that can allow change or growth. If you don't have observing
ego, you can't grow psychologically, you can't gain new skills. Observing
ego is the very thing that causes that effect, that you wanted things to
go well with a woman, and then four hours later you realized, ah, I
shouldn't have done that right. I should have done something else you
didn't have. Observing ego, it's a real time ability to monitor your own
behavior even as you behave. Here's an example. Say that I was in a Say
that I was in a verbal argument with somebody and I'm fighting, fighting,
fighting. But I use some observing ego and I step outside myself and

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look back and I say, Gee, I'm angry and I'm still fighting. But I step outside
myself and look back like there's an eye out here and I realize, is this
getting anywhere? Still fighting. Step outside myself and look back and I
say, well, no, it's not really getting anywhere. So why don't I quit? And
then I do and the fight ends, Okay. I took the controls of my life and
steered elsewhere on purpose. OK, what would have happened if I didn't
have observing ego while I was fighting? Yeah, it would. It would just
expand out of control, and basically the fight itself would be controlling
me instead of me controlling it. And guess what happens when you allow
that to happen? You end up with the job no one else wanted because
you didn't have observing ego. You end up with the woman no one else
wanted and the life no one else wanted. So observing ego is pretty
important. This is an example of a diagram looking down on yourself
using observing ego. You know there's a there's a cool way of
understanding observing ego in a second way. Does anybody have a
favorite film? I hope? Can some of you guys shout out some of your
favorite film names? Braveheart. The day of hot Casablanca. Fight Club.
Oh, better get the sword. Spiderman. Star Wars. All right, awesome.
Anybody like Gladiator Armageddon? All right, actually, about about
Spiderman, I have a I have a quick little story. I was doing a seminar once
and I got right to the end. It was like the climax. And I'm teaching people
about character and how powerful it is. And I go, and you know,
somebody once said with great power comes great responsibility. I think
it was Benjamin Franklin or somebody like that. And somebody in the
audience goes, excuse me, that was Spiderman, so check your sources. So

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anyway, observing ego is something you naturally grow every time you
journal and every time you go to a great film. And here's why. If you
really love a film, if a film is of Oscar caliber, the main character is an
everyman, the main character is someone anybody can see themselves in
their shoes. So essentially you get lost in a film. You become the main
character. The main character is you. You're living the film and you notice
when you're in a great film, you don't worry about the future at that
time. You don't regret the past at that time. You're fully present in a
great film. Well, what you're naturally doing is you are out in the
audience looking at you. That is observing ego only you're getting to see
a you that is in 90 minutes or two hours going to progress massively in
their character and that's why they call it a character, a main character.
So all the heroism you see in the film, basically what that's teaching you
is if you did exactly the same things as that main character, you would
get exactly the same rewards. Well, guess what? Your life is like a film
and you are the main character and the best film you've ever seen with
the best climax you've ever seen could be your life if you learn
everything you can about character and make yours grow, Observing ego
is what lets you do that. Answer a question, Yeah. What's the difference
between observing ego and self consciousness? There are a lot of
synonyms for observing ego. If you've heard of the book The Power of
Now, basically you could summarize in one sentence. It is good to be in
the present moment because that is where you can access observing
ego. OK, I'm asking. You your question because self consciousness to me
is bad self consciousness. I think self consciousness, what you're talking

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about means lack of confidence, which is an energy. It's a lack of a
masculine energy. Do you remember that equation? Mature masculine
power equals observing ego, which I've just taught you about, plus
mature boundary function, which I'm about to teach you about, plus
confidence. Confidence is an energy, so when people are self yeah,
self-conscious, they're probably lacking that energy okay. But other
terms like being mindful, being present minded, being present, being
sentient, these are all synonyms for observing ego. Self observing in real
time is what that means. How we doing so? So another question for you.
What do you want? Money or character? A growing body of research on
the economics of happiness proposes that material wealth is overrated.
These controversial researchers do not say economic growth is
undesirable, and they note that the unemployed people are almost
always unhappy. But they say policymakers should pay more attention to
what people say about their satisfaction with life as they consider how
far to go in the pursuit of unbridled growth. The problem we have found
is that gross domestic product has gone up and happiness has not gone
up with it, says David Branch Flower. You know what I want to interject
here some some great books that have come out recently. Hang on just
a SEC. There some great books that have come out. One of them is called
The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz Schwartz, Paradox of Choice.
Another book is called The Progress Paradox by Greg Easterbrook,
EASTERBROOK. And what's fascinating about these books is. They make a
case for that exact thing. The more successful we become as a society,
the less happy we are, the less fulfilled we feel. Who can identify with

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that right? The more successful, the more choice we have, the less
fulfilled we feel. I recommend you read out The Paradox of Choice first.
It's very interesting. Awesome so with researchers like this are finding is.
Literally, that the more sex, the happier the person, and people who have
no sexual activity are noticeably less happy than average. You don't know
what I'm talking about. Does self touching count? Good touch, bad touch.
Yeah, I see a lot of smiling faces. So many of you already realized that.
You may want to know about how to get women, but there's a whole lot
more to having that skill that leads to a whole lot more in your life, in
your career, in every aspect of your life. There's a way of breaking down
my whole system for you into four parts. Your character has four parts.
Any problem that comes your way in life? Also has four parts, and if you
bring your whole self to the table to solve every problem that comes
your way, you'll be using four parts to solve it. OK? Those four parts are
your personal boundary, which you're going to cover in a section of its
own, your decision making power or free will, which we're going to cover
in a section of its own, your intellect or ideas and how they are arranged.
And time management is connected to that. And then lastly, how you
manage emotional energy, how you use anger and anxiety as powers
rather than scourges Okay how you build self esteem. There are all kinds
of words in this theory that are very vague, formerly vague words like
self esteem. What exactly is self esteem? And if we don't know exactly
what it is, how could we possibly build it in detail? As if by a recipe, we
hope to show you exactly how to do that. There's a there's a study of
there's a lot of studies, actually, of death and dying. And since we've

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talked about life, and the definition of life is that it makes decisions, we
might as well mention death. And you're going to have maybe much to
say about this too later, but how important it is to have a relationship to
death? These studies often show that there are two kinds of people with
regard to facing the end of their life. One kind of person that is way
more common is the kind who is terrified, fearful, regretful, very much
mourning and grieving their own death as the moment approaches.
There's a less common kind of person that they also find who views
death as. Something they're kind of at peace with. They say, you know,
I've I've had a great family. I ran a business. I've traveled a lot. I've done
everything I was meant to do. Mission accomplished. I'm all right with
this. I'm done. I'm a more content person. There's something that these
these more rare people have, and that's what I'm gonna teach you about
this entire seminar. What do these people have most of the time? When I
ask people what they want in general, if you could really generalize
about what? Why are you here? Really? If you could really distill down
why you are here? A lot of people would say, well, they want more
happiness, they want more pleasure. Some other folks might say they
want success. Well, have you ever known a very successful person who
isn't very happy? Like maybe Ernest Hemingway or Kurt Cobain or Judy
Garland or Michael Hutchins. Okay. So success and happiness are
different, and you might want to keep them separate. Ideas in your head.
There's a third thing a lot of people say they want more than anything,
and that's freedom. People want freedom. But have you ever known a
very free person who wasn't very happy? Like maybe a newly divorced

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person. Have you ever known a very free person who wasn't very
successful? Like maybe a homeless person, very free. You can do
whatever you want. So happiness, success and freedom are all very
different things. Okay. Happiness is high self esteem. That's the equation.
Success is simply you reached a goal. Some people fail to reach a goal
and they feel terrible about that. But other people fail to reach a goal.
Like the old description of Edison discovering the light bulb and he tried
what, 10,000 times or something and failed 9999 times and he viewed it
as well. It was just a failure. It doesn't make me unhappy. You may want
to view your learning curve in relating to women in a similar way. That if
you fail, So what? You still have your goals and you will reach your goal
eventually with persistence. That's right. Yeah. Thomas Edison found
9999 ways not successfully not to make a light bulb. Yeah, well, I have a
word to describe having all of these things and the word I use. By the
way, you may use different words. For everything that I'm going to
describe to you the next couple days, words are pretty imperfect
symbols. I chose words that seem common and makes sense, but you
may want to tweak the words to what you understand. The word I use
for having everything is fulfillment. Fulfillment is happiness and success
and freedom and fulfillment is what those people on their deathbeds
who are content with death. Have achieved. It's the mission in life to find
fulfillment. Not briefly. Has anybody ever had brief fulfillment where
they were simultaneously happy and successful and felt free to do what
they want? Yeah, few of us. Well, that's a peak moment. You've heard of
the term peak moment. Is that good enough to have like 1 peak moment

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in life? Have you ever seen the film Friday Night Lights, which I thought
was really pretty depressing? Yeah, where it like the peak moment in
these men's lives was winning a high school football game. I was like,
wait a minute. I thought this was supposed to be a feel good movie. OK,
we need more than just peak moments. We want durable fulfillment or
strength of our fulfillment. OK, well, guess what? The four parts. The
four parts of psychology that I just told you about. Personal boundary,
decision making, intellect, and emotional energy match the four parts of
what you want, which is durable fulfillment. Your boundary, your
personal boundary is what makes you strong or durable. Your decision
making power is what gives you more freedom. The wiser your decisions
as you mature, the more freedom society gives you. To make even bigger
decisions and so you rise in leadership ability. Your intellect using that
successfully obviously gives you success. The way you arrange ideas and
manage time is what gets you to goals efficiently. And then lastly
emotional energy. Mastering that is and mastering yourself esteem is
how to get happiness okay. So any problem that comes your way in life
or in dating or with women? We'll have four parts to it, A part involving
lack of strength or durableness, a part involving lack of freedom or
feeling trapped, a part involving failure and a part involving happiness or
unhappiness. OK, so using the four parts of your psychology can solve
every problem, OK? You know, these four parts of psychology happen to
even be built into our Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.
Have you ever heard the the term in grade school inalienable rights? We
have inalienable rights, and among these are the rights to life, liberty and

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pursuit of happiness. Well, what does inalienable mean? Means cannot be
taken away. And that's exactly what your personal boundary does for
you. It contains your rights, your privacy, your psychological resources
and property. And nobody has a right to invade your inalienable rights.
Not even a government. That's what the Founding Father said. Well, life
might be measured in events. Liberty is your decision making power and
pursuit of happiness. Is essentially pursuit of high self esteem. So all of
human psychology is represented in the Declaration of Independence. I
thought that was kind of interesting. One thing that I do for people is
show them that our personal boundary, it works just like the border of a
country. It's like having your own private country and you're the only
citizen and it has all the same. Functions as the border of a country. It
sort of has a customs and immigration service. It's the border over which
you do psychological trade with others. And it is like a tank. It's a
container of your psychological resources. Well, those 3 remaining
psychological resources, your emotional energy, your ideas or intellect,
and your decision making power all exist on spectrums of function.
Anybody ever hear of the term quantum as in quantum physics? What
does that mean? Energy levels? Energy levels? All things are both
particles and waves at the same time? Well, this is a kind of quantum
psychology, because what I'd like to describe to you is that all human
beings exist on Spectra. OK, all of us at any given time are either one
thing, more of one thing, or more of its opposite. So the three inner
resources that I'm gonna teach you about exist in Spectra. If I teach you
about each of the two ends of three Spectra. I know that sounds kind of

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scientific, but if I teach you six things, the two ends of each of three
Spectra. If you master the two ends of a spectrum, what have you
mastered? Everything. So all you need to know is exactly how the two
ends of a spectrum of your psychology function, and then you can
master anything in between. The two ends of the spectrum for negative
emotional energy are called anger and anxiety. The middle point is
neutrality, the two ends of the spectrum for positive emotional energy
that we want to transform anger and anxiety into our wellbeing and
confidence. The middle point is happiness. The two ends of the spectrum
for your intellect or arrangement of ideas is education, which fills what's
called your left brain, your logical orderly brain. That's very history
oriented. You might call it book smarts. The other end of the intellectual
spectrum is experience in life, which fills your right brain, your more
creative, disorganized brain which functions kind of like your own
Internet. The middle point, perfection of your intellect would be called
genius, something to strive for. And then finally, the two ends of the
spectrum of our decision making, our conscience or ethics and intuition.
The middle point is called wisdom. I thought you said there were three
Spectra? I thought I covered 3 Spectra. There are four there. Well, the
emotional spectrum can be divided into two sub Spectra, positive
emotional energy and negative emotional energy. Yeah, sub Spectra.
Yeah, I got that from Star Trek. Wow, okay, I really like this. Do you think
you maybe could are we gonna go deeper into that accelerating? Say
again? When I accelerate through this a little, no, no. Are you going to go
a little deeper into the Spectra? We are, yeah, good. Each of the three

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inner resources, Emotional Energy, Decision Making, and intellect have
these two ends of the spectrum for them. And so we're gonna do a
section on each of those three. Excellent. So essentially the answer to
any human problem or dating problem or problem with a woman lies
between the two ends of each of these Spectra. Now, problems that
aren't solvable right now, I'd like you to just sort of let go of them until
later. If you don't let go of those kinds of problems, you're doing what is
called suffering, which we use our personal boundary on. And quickly
these these two diagrams here if in a in a different way. If we looked at
the anatomy of a problem, all problems would be broken up into
stresses, feeling trapped or failure. And there are two types of stress,
hurt or loss. Being trapped is caused by a lack of conscience or lack of
intuition, and failure is always caused by a lack of education or lack of
experience. That's how to divide up a problem into its anatomy. Have you
ever had a problem that you it was just unbelievably complicated and
you had no idea where to even start with it. Okay. Well, this is a way to
divide problems up into their anatomy. What you respond to the problem
with are your self esteem, your decision power and your intellect, which
are each divided up into two types that we just covered. So you bring
your whole self to the table in solving a problem. In this next section,
we're going to discuss the concept of the personal boundary. And as Paul
mentioned earlier, a personal boundary acts like the boundary of a
country. So maybe you could talk a little bit more about that and also
how boundaries act on all different levels for all different types of
things. So we talked about different organic levels and how they kind of

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have already evolved to those serve those functions and purposes. All
right, so let's learn about the first part of psychology. This is so crucial.
This is such a unique feature of your psychology and your masculinity.
Because it's the tank. That holds everything else. We really need to cover
this before any other part of psychology. For that reason, let's talk about
control. It's relevant in every human problem, whether personal, business,
economic, social, intercultural, international, political, familial, marital or
psychological. There is always some portion which is in our control. In
other words, inside our personal boundary. And another portion which is
out of our control or outside of our personal boundary. Our personal
boundary marks what we control psychologically from what we don't. So
the first step in in in solving any human problem is to develop healthy,
mature, high character boundaries. When you have a solid personal
boundary, you clearly see what you control in any problem from what
you don't. The beginning of solving problems then becomes easy. Let go
of what you don't control and focus on what you do control. This is why I
say every problem has a solution, even if it means dropping the problem
for now, 100% guaranteed. I have a little story for you that David really
likes, which he calls The Telephone Pole Wreck Story in Kansas, steering
into open field. Why do we find that so much more funny than everyone
else? I don't know. It's just it's so punchy. It's it's good. Yeah, it sounds
good. I like it strong. There was a study of car wrecks. I-70 in Kansas in
the winter time is a very dangerous stretch of Rd. Hundreds of miles
long and it's very easy to wreck there, slip out of control. There was a
strange statistic found that a very high percentage of wrecks that would

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occur would be wrecks into the telephone poles along the side of the
road. Now these telephone poles were about half a football field apart
from each other, and it didn't make much sense why something of the
order of 60 or 70% of wrecks were into these until they interviewed the
people who were in the accidents. To determine what had caused this.
And what they found was that typically when the when the back wheels
would slip out, the person would look right at the nearest danger. And
when you look at something, you unconsciously turn the steering wheel
of your car toward it. So these people who at that frightening moment
did not have observing ego, We're just an autopilot. Steering toward
whatever danger there was. Well, there's something that your boundary
does that prevents this problem. Instead of steering into the telephone
poles of your life, it would be a better idea to have observing ego and be
willing to steer into open space when travel or when trouble comes
along. OK, the word operative word here is suffering. OK, this is one of
those common but vague words that we use all the time like I was, you
know, I'm really suffering over this kind of thing. But what exactly is
suffering? Suffering actually has a definition. You can see it in most of
the major world religions. You can see it in philosophies like Buddhism.
Suffering is burning your emotional energy on things you don't control.
Here's a bigger diagram. Burning your emotional energy on things you
don't control is suffering. Remember what's inside your boundary You
have 100% control over your boundary is sort of like a sphere around
you. What's inside of it are your rights. Things you control things. You are
responsible for what's outside of it. You have no control over

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psychologically, and that includes all kinds of things like the weather, the
economy, the company, the job, the girlfriend, the boss. Other people
who have boundaries of their own we don't control. So an example of
suffering would be like being stuck in rush hour traffic. When I'm stuck
in rush hour traffic, sometimes I honk the horn or tailgate. Or you might
yell at your neighbors in traffic, say come on, get all upset and clench
your fists. And doing all those things cost you energy. Have you ever
clenched your fists over a relationship with a woman? Then you were
suffering. You were burning energy on the uncontrollable. This is a really
crucial thing. If you didn't take anything else away from this seminar, this
would be a ridiculously amazing skill to have in your life. But as you go
through your life using observing ego, take notice of when you burn
energy on things you don't control, there's a tip off to when you are
suffering. And it's anytime you say the word should, as in that girl should
respond to my Mac. But on phone you've been waiting a long time for a
joke for me, so I thought I'd better do that. You know, one of the things
you're talking about is fascinating to me. And that is that this burns fuel
rapidly, burns your psychic energy. Or however you might That's right,
say it, and it burns it inefficiently and on something that is wasting it.
Yes. So you're using a lot of it and you're wasting it, Yes. Which takes it
away from all of the other areas you could use it to give yourself
advantage. That's right, That's right. In fact, what's going on when you
suffer is that you suffer through what I call holes in your boundary. OK?
It's like your boundary is a tank of gasoline and your positive emotional
energy or your self esteem is like gasoline. And when you have a hole in

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your boundary through which you suffer, your fuel is just draining out of
you rapidly. OK, suffering happens through holes in your boundary. Holes
in your boundary are places where you have trouble saying no. We're
hearing no, OK. You know what, Just just for a second, something for you
to work on. Write down a couple of areas where you suffer, Where you
burn energy inefficiently on things you cannot control. Things you do
not and cannot control. Write three of them down. Where do you suffer,
defined as burning your energy inefficiently, on things that you do not
and cannot control? Okay. Good. Let's continue. Okay. So these things
that you wrote down that you suffer over, you have a hole in your
boundary regarding these things. You have a place where the the shield
around your life has a gap in it. It's a place where you have difficulty
saying no or hearing no, difficulty with rejection. Anybody ever have
trouble saying no to a woman or hearing rejection? Like maybe
everybody in this room, including me? It's difficult. None of us has a
perfect boundary, by the way. We all have defects in our boundary. A lot
of what you'll see in this, this method of psychology in this theory, is
that old wise sayings actually get scientifically demonstrated to you. So
have you ever, have you ever heard of the idea of you're pushing my
buttons? Well, are those real buttons on you? What are the buttons that
they're talking about? When they say you're pushing my buttons, they're
holes in your boundary where somebody has quick and easy access to
your internal resources. When your boundary has holes in it, your
identity can also come into question. Your your boundary would be
vague in shape If I drew a if I drew a circle for you, but I drew can't

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really find the diagram. But if I drew a circle and there were lots of huge
gaps in it, I can almost make it not even look like a circle anymore. It
could be a square or a triangle and it's hard to tell what it is. Well, that's
very much like your identity, like your masculine identity. If you don't
have preferences using your boundary, things you say yes to versus
things you say no to, then you don't have a very well defined identity. If
you go around saying oh anything will do, I'll have anything for dinner or
I'll put on any clothes or whatever you want to do is fine. Go anywhere
you want. Okay. You don't have a solid identity that you're presenting to
the other person or that you're living in yourself. There's a quick look,
quick little example. I always give people. Your boundary is what gives
you preferences and budgets, your resources. And I describe to people
typically that I'm a person who happens to say no to cats in my life and
yes to dogs. Don't mean to offend anybody. But I tend to say no to
country music and I say yes to rock. I also tend to say no to Ford and yes
to Porsche. So that makes me a cat hating dog loving Porsche loving
Ford hating country hating rock love and shrink. Which unfortunately
sounds like a country music song. But but but doesn't that give you a
better idea what my identity is? You kind of know who I am a little
better, just from three superficial preferences. OK, so having preferences
is what helps identify your identity for yourself and for women. All right,
let me show you this real quick exactly what I mean by this idea. If that's
your boundary and these are how big the holes are in it, this is how big
your lack of preferences is, or your inability to say no, or tolerate
rejection, or to suffer out of. What's your identity? What's the shape of?

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This could be a square or triangle or or circle. It's hard to know who you
are. OK, but if instead you say no to Cats, no to Country, no to Ford, etc,
you have a more solid set of preferences for every aspect of your life,
every detail of your life, you say yes to this and no to that, that helps
establish your identity as being yeah, this is exactly who I am. If you
didn't know exactly who you were or exactly what the cause of problems
was, how could you possibly work with problems or change them? OK.
This is also the reason that anytime you have a problem come up in your
life regarding women or anything else, if the nature of that problem is
very vague and you use vague words like I don't know, it's kind of
something not quite right or I feel overwhelmed or I'm kind of confused.
I don't really know how to describe the problem. Anytime you use vague
language, there is a boundary problem within your problem. The
boundary is what makes you not vague and therefore makes the
problems outside of you not vague. OK, question. Give him a microphone.
Stand up. How you doing Felipe from Colorado? So is this why women
find pickiness attractive? Cuz it's communicating that you know who you
are or when you're picky. Oh, yes. Is that why women find you attractive?
Yeah. This is precisely why David often says the best thing to say to a
woman is no, no, right. That's why it's it's defining a very solid boundary,
an identity for her to see, and being picky. Also, is having a solid defined
boundary presenting to her? Yeah, when when you've got a very
unclearly defined boundary and the woman shows up, what are women
doing? Often, right, They're testing your boundary, testing to see where
it is. You may have heard me talk about this gentleman named David

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Data who wrote The Way of the Superior Man. Real brilliant guy. He says
that women test men to see if they can trust the man. It's not
interesting. Well, if she tests one of the areas where you have a
boundary and she feels all there's a boundary there, she will trust you
more. If she tests one of the areas where you don't have a boundary and
she gets no resistance and she can just push right through it, reach in,
push your buttons, control you. She won't be able to trust you. She
doesn't feel any integrity there, so you need a good, strong personal
boundary. One of the things that fascinated me when I first started
learning about how to be more successful with women and dating was
that I could meet a woman I could not be. I could, you know, not be what
she was looking for. I could not be the kind of guy that she said she was
interested in. I could not do the kinds of things that she wanted to do,
and yet she would still feel very attracted to me. Boundary it was real
clear about who I was and what I wanted and what I was doing now.
Took a long, lot of, you know, kind of painful lessons the other way to
figure that out and kind of a lot of good mentoring. But that's that's the
lesson here. The other thing about having holes in your boundary that
relates directly to situations with women, I'm sort of creating new holes
here, Okay, is that I told you at the beginning that you are full of gold.
Okay, you got amazingly valuable treasure inside. Actually, exactly three
types of treasure self esteem, intellect, and your decisions and wisdom.
When you have this sort of situation, it's like your Fort Knox, but you left
the windows open. So what's gonna happen? A woman can come along
and say, wow, well, it's free gold. Thank you. Buy me dinner. Anybody see

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Kill Bill Part 2? Do you see the lessons of π May where he's really ripping
on Uma Thurman and he's saying American women, all you can do is have
men take you out to dinner and use their money. Well when you have
wide open holes in your boundary like this, anybody can just come along
and take your stuff, take over your free will, start bossing you around.
Have you ever been bossed around by women or friends or bosses or
parents or. OK, well you left the window open for them to come and take
over your decision making power. Have you ever been told what to
believe? And said, oh OK, well, sure. And you just believe anything
anybody tells you? I'm not even asking that you believe what I'm telling
you. It's just food for thought. If you like it, great. And have you ever had
somebody come in and peek through the window and tell you how to
feel or how you should feel? It's all caused by. You allowing these holes
in your boundary. Yeah, when women talk to their girlfriends, they often
say things like. I feel dissatisfied with my man because he gives me
whatever I want. Isn't it ironic that someone could get what they want
and disrespect the person that gives it to them? The act of getting
having the man give them what they want kills the attraction. Boundary
issues stand up question. Hi, I'm Alex from Orange County. This is more
of a comment. What your exercise made me realize was that I am not so
much afraid of hearing no or saying no, as in some cases I'm unprepared
to deal with somebody telling me no or to say no to certain people. So,
for example, if a friend asks me something that they really need, but I
feel it's an unreasonable request, that would give me anxiety if I was not
prepared to have a comeback, if I was called on it. Just like if a woman

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tells me no, I that gives me anxiety if I don't think that I would have a
way of being able to flip it around. And this talks, this ties into what you
were talking about before David, You were saying, Can you imagine
somebody who would actually seek out rejection? Yeah, if you're
confident that you can turn any rejection. To your favor then, yeah, you
would seek it out because that's just an opportunity for you. So what
you've said before in your other material, you know, you just have
default responses to things. If you come up with enough default
responses to know or to declining somebody's request, like I've been
trying to do over the past few months, then it makes it a whole lot
easier. Well, there's two kinds of there's two kinds of aspect to your
problem there. You still have kind of a, you have kind of a hole in your
boundary for these situations. And by the way, anything I tell you that
sounds like a defect or a problem or there's something lacking, I have
lived OK, we're all equal as men in that regard, so it's not derogatory
when I point things out like this. You have a hole in your boundary for
those scenarios where people ask you for favors. And on top of it, you
sound like you're kind of describing a little bit of lack of observing ego,
sort of like something phases. You remember how I said observing ego is
what causes cool and composure, Okay. It's lacking observing ego in real
time that causes you to sort of be thrown by a situation that just hit you
where you're okay with saying no or hearing no, but it's that it threw you
is what I hear you saying. So you need to work on observing ego. You
need to work on that hole in your boundary for those scenarios. How do
you do that? You practice saying no and hearing no. I have a quick little

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story for you about a guy and his girlfriend. You know, I want to interject
here, Okay, while you're finding that story, if you got holes in your
boundary, you're gonna hear this a lot over the next couple of days. One
of the things that you can do, like maybe you've got a hole in your
boundary. Like whenever a woman says I want you to Take Me Out to a
nice dinner. And that's the only way I'll know that. Do you really like me
or want to be with me? Well, I might be able to give you a technique to
kind of patch that hole up a little bit, OK, where you can say this thing
and you've always got something ready, but that doesn't really actually
create a boundary for you. It actually doesn't build a personal boundary.
A lot of the materials I've created in the past weren't created with this
kind of formalized system that. Doctor Paul brings to the table. And so
I'm having a realization right now called A lot of the techniques that I
teach you and in way in a lot of ways, are to make up for character
defects or problems that you want to solve at a deeper level, OK? Or you
call them training wheels sometimes. Exactly. Yeah, you might need a
crutch or a training wheel or something to kind of help you get to the
next level. But the real, you know, the thing you really want to do is to
just build a healthy personal boundary, because then it really doesn't
matter. You find that when you get into one of those situations where
you need to say no, you can see your old self getting ready to go, oh OK,
I'll do whatever, whatever you want me to do. And you're like, no, no, no,
You with me. And you're ready in the moment where you can just say no.
Yeah. And you have observing ego on that, where you feel that old self
coming back and saying, oh, I'll do whatever you want me to do, but

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you're observing ego says I'll look what you're about to do. And you go,
oh, I better not do that. So you change your course in real time. You
know, yeah. Another one is you mentioned something, I don't know if this
is where you were going, but if you know what to do to turn a rejection
in your favor, then you know, we can't hurt you kind of a thing. I I don't
know if this is where you're going with that one again, but a lot of guys
say to me, well, what do you say if she says this, you know? And what if
you're getting the number and, you know, right as she's writing down the
number, she stops and she says this. How do you slam her and get, you
know? The reality is that the rejection, as we're talking about it here,
makes you stronger. If you don't care if you don't need something to
turned around and make her wrong or bad or, you know, slammer with it,
that you become stronger. When she says you know, I, you go, hey, you
know what? Great, I'll see you later. There are 47 other women in here.
Why would I want to even spend time with someone that's wishy washy
or strange or psychologically a little screwed up? Make sense? You know
something regarding what you just said. It's important to point out inside
you, you have a conception of what kind of girl matches you. Somewhere
inside you have a sense of what is just perfect for you. In general, in a
woman. But when you suffer and you burn your tank of fuel on the girl,
on the particular girl that you have to have, even though you have other
female friends, you are trying to set a goal inside someone else's
boundary, which is doomed to failure. You can't set a goal inside
someone else's boundary. So when he says it's not about the girl, it's
about the skill. It's about the skill, not about the girl. This is also a

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boundary concept. It's not about a particular girl. It's about you building
the skills inside that will naturally attract your perfect type of girl. Well,
the boundary is also like a shield. It's a shield against stress. If your
boundary is solid and you have preferences already prewired in you
preferences for everything, and you're automatically ready to say no to
what doesn't feel good, stress will bounce off you then OK. Stress is not
about a particular event. Stress is just a negative emotional energy. I
don't care about the details. Stress is just negative emotional energy, and
your boundary is your first line of defense against stress. As we're going
to see much later in the day, stress actually only comes in two flavors.
Stress is either a hurt or a loss, or both. These are just forms of negative
emotional energy. All stresses that you've ever experienced have either
been hurts, losses, or both. A large bill in the mail might be a loss,
emotionally of money. An insult might be a hurt. A divorce might be both
hurt and loss. So you might try taking a little food for thought and
practicing on your own, thinking about all the various stresses you've
ever had in your life you will always find. They're one or the other of
these two things. Well, your boundary is your first line of defense. Have
you ever been stressed by a person? Have you ever told somebody you
make me mad or you make me anxious or you make me a freak? Show K.
Nobody makes us be anything. These problems are caused by what hole
in your boundary. A place where you say the word should. People should
be courteous, girls should do what I say. People should do the right thing.
My boss should give me a raise. OK, anytime you say should you're
struggling against the uncontrollable? You're wishing. That you controlled

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something that you don't. It strikes me also that this could be imagined.
Hurt or loss sure hasn't happened yet. Sure. Fear of things that probably
will never come true. Yeah, and we're gonna cover that later. I mean, if
suffering is controlling the uncontrollable, this is kind of an interesting
thing. Do we control the past which is gone? No, it's gone so. What
happens when we burn energy on the past? We are suffering. So when
we, when we regret things, we're doing what suffering? How about the
future? Do we absolutely control the future or we just sort of aim for it?
We don't absolutely control it. So when you burn energy on the future,
potentially you're doing what suffering as in? When you worry
excessively, how about when you are jealous? Jealousy is suffering over
the future in which you suspect somebody is going to own more than
you. So jealousy is suffering. Revenge is suffering because revenge is
wishing you controlled the past with your anger. See. So all these vague
expressions that we tend to think of as. Virtues and strengths and this
sort of thing can actually have a real science to them as to why they are
good or bad to do. I I recently was fortunate enough to see Tony
Schwartz who wrote a book called The Power of Full Engagement and he
had something very interesting to say. He said that most people think of
time as our most valuable and scarce resource. And they said that
actually energy is our most valuable and scarce resource because we all
get the same amount of time. It's our energy that we can control. And it's
interesting how you say that most of these things that we do that are
negative are burning our emotional energy and in a lot of cases
excessively. So not only are we using it on something negative, but it's

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gas hog on the negative thing, yes. And the more of that we do, the
more we rob ourselves of the ability to have positive emotions, positive
emotional energy, and good feelings in general and energy. That's right.
That's right. And we're going to see a little bit later how to transform
negative energy into positive energy, literally as if by a recipe, but all in a
way true to science, an example of this kind of suffering situation. Is
codependence and this diagram is an example of this. I once had a guy
come to me who said he was anxious and he said how about, you know,
just give me some Valium and I was like, well you know, we do use
Valium for particular situations, emergencies, usually people having
seizures. Are you having a seizure? No alcohol withdrawal. No. Well, what
I needed to know from this guy Valium might have been appropriate. But
what I needed to know is does his anxiety tie to a particular event or
person? If so, then I know it's not a biological situation. And he goes,
yeah, my anxiety ties to my girlfriend. She does drugs all the time and
she lives with me and I don't do drugs. And the police are coming all the
time. Sometimes they haul her away. Yeah, I'm anxious whenever she's
around. I don't do drugs, so give me some Valium. No. Fascinating. Yeah,
humans are very interesting. So overseas to amazement. Nobody has
ever been in this sort of situation, right where you're with a woman who
makes you anxious constantly. Actually, she can't make you anxious. You
feel anxious around her. So what was going on here? Because giving him
Valium would be like trying to treat his girlfriend through his body. What
was going on? He had a hole in his boundary for this girl and she had
holes in her boundary big time too. And as you can see on the diagram,

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she has lots of holes in her boundary and herself esteem is always
draining out the bottom. Because she can't say no to drugs, and she uses
drugs to artificially feel different, just like Valium would have made him
feel different. Think about this idea if you were a car and you wanted to
know how much gas is in your tank, how much Selfesteem is in your
tank, and you relied on a thing called emotions to tell you how much
Selfesteem is in your tank. That's like your gas gauge, but then you took
a drug or got an addiction. Well, that addiction basically severs the cable
between your gas gauge and your gas tank. So you're driving around not
really knowing how much real gas is in there. Did you follow me on that?
So this is what girlfriend was doing. She was using a drug to feel
different. Self esteem drains out, use more drugs. Self esteem drains out,
use more drug. That's what an addictive process is. And that's why holes
in the boundary are at least partially responsible for all addictions. You
know, raise your hand if you can identify with what he's talking about,
about having a process where your self esteem drains out. So you try to
fill it with something artificial, whether it be physical, logical or
emotional or person, and it only makes yourself esteem drain out further
and it gets into a big cycle. Good. All right, so this guy comes to me and
tells me this. And I said, well, the problem is you got a hole in your
boundary for the girlfriend. And he goes, well, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I said, well, what do you think you do? He goes, well, I guess I gotta
tell her no. I was like, that's right. So he went home and he and he tells
her she needs to move out. If she doesn't stop drugs, In fact, maybe
move out anyway. And guess what? Guess what happened after he did

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that? How did he feel? Felt better, No anxiety. He was patching the hole
in his boundary by saying no. And the colloquialism is that's called tough
love when we do that. Well, guess what? He came back to me again. He
goes, you know what? I did it. I got her to move out. But I. I still feel kind
of bad. You know what I mean? It's sort of like, I don't want to see her
out on the streets or in some crack house or something, you know? I feel
bad. I'm like, well, why do you feel bad? And he's like, I don't know, I feel
like I hurt her. Well, is it possible to hurt somebody by not giving them
your Fort Knox? No. It's Once you're an adult, your life is for you to live.
The woman's life is for her to live and determine. So what was going on,
his girlfriend found a different way in to his boundary. He patched 1 hole
and she found a way to guilt him through some other hole okay. So she
was using him like a drug and so he had to learn to patch that hole too.
And how I helped him do that was, I said. You're not hurting her, you're
helping her. Because not only are you patching. The hole in your
boundary. You're also patching the hole in girlfriend's boundary and that
will help her, right? Because if this is girlfriend and there are lots of
holes in her boundary, whose responsibility is it to patch these? Hers
first and foremost, but then after her, whose responsibility is it? All of
society. Right. It's boyfriend's job, maybe to help a little bit. It's her mom's
job, her dad's job, her friend's job, The police's job, the government's job,
Advertising's job to patch this girl's holes in her boundary. This guy had
sort of an illusion going on that he was the whole world to her. Raise
your hand. Raise your hand if you've ever felt like it was your job to
patch all the holes in a woman's boundary for her. Oh, I hear the exhaling

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going on. Don't. You feel better now. You are relieved of that duty, Okay.
That is not your job. Ironically, patching holes in your boundary will help
her patch holes in her boundary. Building a strong personal boundary
yourself will help those around you build personal boundaries. As you
become healthier, they will become healthier. What I'm doing here is I'm
drawing a little eye and this is like your observing ego looking out inside
you. Inside your boundary, you got 100% control. Outside you, you got
0%. Control. Everything out here is not in your control, including the girl.
If you look at the edge of your boundary, what do you see and
understand? What do you see and understand? If you look at the edge
of your boundary, pardon you, you see your limits. This is as far as I own.
This is as far as I control. This is as far as what I am responsible for. But
what were to happen if you would look out a hole? What would
everything out here seem like to you? It seemed like you should be able
to control everything out there, and it doesn't make sense why it's not
doing what it's supposed to do. This girl is supposed to do. What I want
her to do. In fact, this arrow goes to Infinity and people get a problem
called omnipotence. It's a component of what's called narcissism. It's
where you you believe that you should be able to do anything. And it's
also the core problem behind people's perfectionism. When somebody's A
perfectionist, they have a hole in their boundary for an image of
themself way off in Infinity. And they feel like they have already reached
it, even though they haven't done any real work toward it. I I once knew
a guy whose family was in real estate and all of his relatives were worth
about 50 to 150 million each, and he had made about 1,000,000 and he

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was 28 and he was really down on himself because he should be making
200,000,000 by now. This is an outrage. I should be worth 200 million.
And so in his head he actually had a view of a future self that felt as if it
should be going on right now without any work on his part. That's
perfectionism.

Transcribed by Transkriptor

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