Dear Ashvik,

Thank you for your strong sixth assignment, a story about standing up to a bully. I’m
thrilled that you’re beginning to integrate narrative techniques, such as dialogue, scenes,
summaries, and action and reaction, into your work. And even though I asked you to remove the
color coding from your final assignment, I like that you’re using a helpful trick to make narrative
writing a little easier.

Now let’s make this even better!

The central “push” for this story, taking it from good to great, is its need for greater
specificity and complexity. I like the story you’ve written, but it reads as false. Even if the event
happened to you, it should never read as false.

Red flags:

*Some of the dialogue doesn’t sound authentic. In real life, I’ve never heard anyone ever
say, “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size.” I’ve heard it in movies, TV shows, and
cartoons, but never in real life. Additionally, Jake’s lines to you read as far too neutered for a
bully. If he’s such a bully, his responses would reflect his brutality and ignorance.

*The situation’s outcome is too clean. In stories, if a situation resolves itself without any
kind of messiness, then it comes across as inauthentic. In your story, you stand up to a bully and
suddenly, overnight, without any kind of complication, the school is full of “joyful interactions.”
What happened to Jake? Did he just stop being a bully because you said, “Why don’t you pick
on someone your own size?” This seems bizarre.

*Generalized language:

As days turned into weeks, our collective resistance grew stronger, fueled by a
newfound sense of solidarity and determination. With each act of defiance, we chipped
away at the walls of oppression, paving the way for a brighter, more equitable future.

Here, you’re summarizing pockets of time, which is what the technique is for. However,
it lacks specificity and the small details that would contribute to authenticity. Who “chipped
away at the walls of oppression?” Who were these people? Do they have names? What did they
do? Was this in class, out of class, during lunch?

*Missing character details. What does Jake look like? Is he an American boy? What is he
wearing on the day he’s picking on the other kid? Is he a fat boy, a thin boy, a muscular boy?
What’s his hair like?
 Those same details go for you. What do you look like? What are you wearing on the day
of this confrontation?

*Challenges/Obstacles that are easily overcome.

This latter point is the issue that is keeping the story in the “good” rather than “great”
category. At no point do we worry about the outcome. There’s a bully, you stand up to him, he
shrinks away, and from that point forward the world is a brighter place.

A reader must worry about its central character. If we knew more about you, that would
help.

For example, what’s your status before standing up to Jake? Have you been bullied by
him? Have you been bullied in the past? Are you popular? Are you shy?

If we can see some human element, then the story won’t come across as Ashvik-in-a-
cape-saving-the-day, which, again, reads as false.

The reader needs to see why you’re the unlikeliest of people to stand up to Jake. Give us
the real Ashvik. Had you been beaten up before? Are you a nervous person? Have you been
picked on?

Next, complications are needed.

Right now, the story is too “one-note.” You stand up to a bully and everything is fine
after this. The end. The end? Absolutely, not, Ashvik: the story has just started.

Start thinking about expected and unexpected outcomes (this is when writing gets fun):

*Expected outcome: Jake’s tyranny ends.

*Unexpected outcome: People start asking you to solve all their problems.

*Expected outcome: Jake’s tyranny ends.

*Unexpected outcome: Jake starts getting bullied; you feel bad for him!

*Expected outcome: Jake’s tyranny ends

*Unexpected outcome: You get in trouble for causing all this fighting.

Play with these complications, Ashvik, and your story will begin to feel more authentic.
Have fun with narrative form!
 Best,
Mr. Grosvenor

In the echoing corridors of my middle school, the sounds of laughter and chatter
were often drowned out by the oppressive silence of fear. It was a place where injustice
lurked in the shadows, embodied by a figure, Jake. A towering presence whose mere
gaze could send shivers down the spines of his peers.

On one particularly ripe autumn afternoon, as the school halls hustle and bustle
with activity, I found myself bearing witness to Jake's reign of terror. He stood tall amidst
a group of his mates, his laughter ringing out like a sinister melody as he targeted a
smaller classmate who shriveled up in fear.

My heart pounded in my chest as I watched the scene unfold, a knot of anger

and frustration forming in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't stand by and watch as
someone was bullied right before my eyes. With a surge of adrenaline, I stepped
forward, my voice trembling with a mixture of fear and defiance.

"Hey, Jake, why don't you pick on someone your own size?" I blurted out, the
words tumbling from my lips before I could fully comprehend the consequences. The
hallway fell silent as all eyes turned to us, the air thick with tension as Jake's cold gaze
bore into mine.

His expression was a mixture of surprise and disdain, his lips curling into a sneer
as he sized me up. For a brief moment, the world seemed to hold its breath, the
anticipation of what would come next palpable in the air.

"You got a problem, Ashvik?" Jake's voice was low and menacing, a dangerous
edge lacing his words as he took a step closer, his cronies flanking him like loyal
soldiers.

I squared my shoulders, refusing to back down in the face of his intimidation

tactics. "Yeah, I've got a problem with bullies like you who think they can push people
around just because they're bigger."
 A murmur of agreement rippled through the crowd, emboldening me as I stood
my ground. Jake's eyes narrowed, his jaw clenching as he struggled to maintain his
composure in the face of my defiance.

"Fine, Ashvik," he spat, his tone dripping with venom and evil. "You wanna play
the hero? Let's see how tough you really are."

With that, he turned on his heel and stalked away, his cronies trailing behind him
like obedient lackeys. The tension in the hallway dissipated, replaced by a sense of
cautious optimism as my classmates exchanged nervous glances.

I knew that standing up to Jake wouldn't magically solve all our problems, but in
that moment, I felt a glimmer of hope, a belief that together, we could overcome the
injustice that had plagued our school for far too long.

As days turned into weeks, our collective resistance grew stronger, fueled by a
newfound sense of solidarity and determination. With each act of defiance, we chipped
away at the walls of oppression, paving the way for a brighter, more equitable future.

In the end, victory was not measured by the defeat of our adversary, but by the
bonds forged in the crucible of adversity. And as I reflect on those tumultuous years, I
am reminded of the transformative power of courage and resilience, the qualities that
define us as human beings and unite us in our quest for justice.

Years later, as I walk past the now familiar halls of my old middle school, I am
greeted by the sight of laughter and camaraderie, a stark contrast to the oppressive
silence that once reigned. And as I witness the joyful interactions between students of
all backgrounds and abilities, I am filled with a sense of pride, a reminder that even the
smallest acts of courage can spark a revolution of change.

Reflection:
In my essay, I chose to tell a story from my time in middle school when I stood up
against injustice. It was a personal experience that showed how courage and resilience
can make a difference. Organizing the essay was tricky, especially balancing the story
with the bigger message. Coming up with a clear thesis took some thinking about my
own experiences. I feel good about how I used dialogue and details to bring the story to
life. In the future, I want to make my thesis statements clearer and blend reflection
better with storytelling. Finding the right mix of showing scenes and summarizing was
tough but important for keeping the story flowing. Once I had a clear idea, writing
became easier, showing me the value of sticking with it and revising.