TRUTH SEEKER

THE PATH TO SELF-REALIZATION.

Author Name
 Table of Contents
I N T R O D U C T I O N ......................................................................................................................................3

1 . “ C H I L D H O O D – W H A T S H A P E S U S ? ” ................................................................................9

2 . “ T H E N E X T S T A G E I N L I F E ” ..................................................................................................1 6

3.“FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH THROUGH THE CHALLENGES THAT

L I F E B R I N G S Y O U ” ............................................................................................................................2 2

4 . “ A L L K I N D S O F I N T O X I C A N T S A R E O N L Y T E M P O R A R Y F I X E R S ” ............3 1

5.“SELF-VICTIMIZATION – EVERYTHING IS A FIGMENT OF THE

I M A G I N A T I O N ” .....................................................................................................................................3 9

6 . “ A B O U T H I T T I N G T H E R O C K B O T T O M A N D K E E P I N G F A I T H ” .................4 7

7 . “ L I F E I S H A P P E N I N G F O R Y O U N O T T O Y O U ” ......................................................6 0

8.“LIFE IS NOT ABOUT COMFORT AND STAGNATION. LIFE IS ABOUT

C O N S T A N T E V O L U T I O N ” ..............................................................................................................7 5

9 . “ W E A R E O N E R A C E : H U M A N R A C E ” .............................................................................8 1

1 0 . “ S P I R I T U A L D E T O X I F I C A T I O N ” .......................................................................................9 0

11.“MAGICAL AMAZONIAN PLANTS – AYAHUASCA TRIP TO THE

U N K N O W N ” .............................................................................................................................................9 7

1 2 . “ E V E R Y T H I N G I N T H E S P I R I T ’ S F L O W ” .................................................................1 2 3

1 3 . “ T H E L A W O F O N E ” ...............................................................................................................1 3 2

1 4 . “ D I F F E R E N T T Y P E S O F L O V E : W H A T L O V E R E A L L Y M E A N S ? ” ............1 3 6

1 5 . “ W H Y D O W E N E E D I L L U S I O N , C O N F U S I O N A N D S U F F E R I N G ? ” .....1 4 2
 I CHOOSE NOT TO
PARTICIPATE
IN A COLLECTIVE FEAR

I WILL INSTEAD SEND

LIGHT LOVE
AND
HEALING ENERGY TO YOU
ALL
 INTRODUCTION

How to find balance and understand ourselves in the madness that surrounds us?! We are
repeatedly experiencing pain, disappointment, and confusion; and living in a corrupt world full of
obstacles, challenges, conflicts, drugs, bribed social media, judgment, misunderstanding, and separation.
This book describes the life of an average person who, under the influence of society, caused
issues of internal conflict. However, this conflict turned out to be the key to self-understanding, leading to
self-realization.
Regardless of your gender, beliefs, age, origin, traditions, or sexual orientation, this person can be
you—a person who, despite many obstacles doesn’t lose hope while searching for the truth.
I was born and raised in a small town called Bartoszyce, North Poland.
About 25,000 people live here as if there are no opportunities to develop. It is a highly conditioned
society of people who follow the same principles from generation to generation. Time has stopped. And
although the economy is slowly developing, the traditions and rules of upbringing haven’t changed. These
upbringing patterns force us to follow certain laws to conform to the standards imposed by our society,
but above all, by the government.

Now, what do I mean by the standards?

Well, for your life’s beginning 12-13 years, there is a government-imposed educational program.
The program includes compulsory subjects that you must study, often against your will. Perhaps, you
also have terrible memories from your school days where you were forced to study something that was
difficult to you.
For example, someone good at math, chemistry, or physics isn't necessarily that good at history or
grammar. As a result, these students get poor grades or fail their exams. Unfortunately, this prevents them
from progressing, and therefore they have to practice for extra time. Worse, though, teachers are often
harsh and unfair. If you don't understand their teaching method, that is considered your problem, and not
theirs.
The school curriculum has a profound effect on our mind, as do our experiences we draw from
family life. Therefore, with each experience, our mind must first process information, filter it, and lastly
encode it in our subconscious mind where the long-term memory is stored. This means that if your
experiences have been mostly negative, you will subconsciously program yourself to live in a failure
mode. The more negativity you experience, the more you believe that it's your ultimate reality. When it
becomes your reality, you automatically identify with it. And when you identify with it, you also live in
the illusion of life.
Maya (illusion) means you don't see things as they are. You see them according to your
perspective and convenience. You see things according to how they fit your emotional needs.

Sri Vishwanath states,

"What makes the unreal appear real and the real seem unreal is Maya."

My spiritual teacher once asked: Why do we focus on studying the moon or the life of the plant if
we don't even know who we really are? It’s true that we know everything about the external environment,
yet we know nothing about ourselves.
Modern technology is developing incredibly fast, and yet our development, taking into account
the school curriculum, doesn’t change. And here comes the question: Are we not clever enough to change
the school curricula, or is there an underlying purpose for which we need to learn dead definitions? Do
you really think learning all subjects will help you develop yourself? Or will it rather block self-
development and self-discovery, programming you according to the needs of the economy? I was
determined to find the answers and reasons for the many mistakes made by the authorities of the countries
we are dealing with today.
Now I know that it’s not that only the Poles are living an orderly life, but it is rather a global
problem. We let the government decide for us. And we are brainwashed and subconsciously programmed
to believe that we cannot make our own decisions. We watch commercials and music videos containing
nudity and sex that awaken our animal instincts. We agree to wear what is fashionable; we eat advertised
food. We want fame and money because we believe this is the only way to true happiness. They told us
that we have freedom of speech, and yet I see a lot of contradiction in this statement. They’ve distracted
us from discovering our true nature, which resulted in the creation of false identification. We've learned to
take medication for every little symptom to ease the pain, rather than finding the cause. — Do you still
believe that you are independent?
The social rules and regulations that we are forced to follow often result in violence, mental
disorders and coping difficulties.
Don't blame your children for their mistakes and misfortunes. Before you judge them and punish
them for bad grades, ask first if they have any difficulties at school. Does what they learn help them
develop their natural talents? Since they don’t adapt the school curriculum to our natural abilities; as a
result, many children leave school before graduation. The pressure they experience pushes them to seek
solutions to their problems by experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sex, and more. However, it's not their
fault; they still became what they are today. It's hard to be successful in a world full of bribery, lust, anger
and greed.

I am the person who will "fight" for justice, truth, love and unity. I consider my life the ultimate
gift from the Universe. I feel blessed and protected, strong and confident to preach the truth. I am neither
harmful nor violent. All I want is to help our world population cleanse their hearts of sins and reconnect
with the source (with God). The source has filled our hearts with love and compassion for one another,
and not with jealousy and hatred.
In 2014, I moved to London and started searching for the truth. I was curious about the world and
the way of life abroad. Therefore, I decided that London would be the perfect place to start my research.
20 years of self-work, research, and analysis of human behavior, enriched by countless
experiences and teachings, I have finally come to the truth. For many, this truth may prove difficult to
accept or understand. Therefore, it is important to emphasize that each individual is at a different stage of
development. I cannot take responsibility for how you receive this content. This is your personal affair.
Yet I still trust that no matter what stage of your life you are at, you will find something of value in this
book.
By running away from ourselves and being afraid to face the truth, we are not trained to talk
honestly about the struggles of everyday life. In recent years, being at a later stage of my research, I have
reached the highest stage of human evolution, which allowed me to distinguish reality from illusion.
Therefore, I assure you that no university, course, or TV program can replace this knowledge.
Along with the chapters, I presented the stages of human development, based on my own
experience and the people I researched. First, I talked about the influence of childhood on the life of an
adult. When describing specific situations, I highlighted repeating patterns, habits, and beliefs, which are
the main cause of many limitations and life failures. Then I describe how much positive or negative
impact society has on our growth.
Many live events have taught me not to judge a situation, but rather to accept it as it is, draw
conclusions and learn the lessons. I also explain why it is significant to never lose faith and hope as well
as why it is important to listen to our intuition.
The turning point in the book is the presentation of the stage where I realized that only changing
my mindset would help me turn from a victim into a strong and confident woman. By explaining clearly
the essence of the matter, I will show you the way to free yourself from old beliefs. Therefore, you will
learn not to judge others, but to love them for who they are. You will learn who you really are under the
layers of masks you wear. By discovering your nature, you will understand why your life turned out the
way it did. Then you will find out what our common goal is, what true love means, and why we should
trust God. Finally, you will learn why we need suffering, confusion, and illusion in life.
At the end of each chapter, I have included written exercises to help you analyze your current
situation and your feelings. These visualization exercises will help you develop your imagination, which
is a "magic attractor". You will also learn how important it is to practice daily meditation.
To understand the human being, I allowed myself to feel what pain, suffering, anxiety,
disappointment, confusion and sadness is. The ability to understand the human psyche and illusion helped
me reached my truth, which also activated my actual abilities.
 No matter what happens in the world, we can still make a difference in our lives. It only takes
courage to get out of your comfort zone and trust yourself.
I want to guide you in your life journey so you can understand yourself, your habits, patterns,
way of thinking and living. Re-program your brain and start believing in possibilities. Create your reality
and break away from material misery. Become who you really are!
In recent years, the power of love and goodness on earth has grown and expanded significantly.
We are going through the most powerful awakening in human history.
Therefore, together with my brothers and sisters, we came to help to free the world from illusion,
proclaiming the law of unity and love. It is your time to grow and rise to a higher level in the spiritual
world. Let us unite and end suffering. Let us close the cycle of birth-death and rebirth. Let us raise the
vibration of this planet and create a safe home for future generations.
 CHAPTER 1
“ C H I L D H O O D – W H AT S H A P E S
US?”

“Imagine, an education system where children are taught that the only time we should look down
on someone is when we can help them up”
- Radhanath Swami

What shapes our personality?

Going back to childhood, we know that it is the parents and their way of upbringing passed down
from generation to generation that has the most significant impact on who we become. Traditions, the
teachings of faith and religion are instilled in us by our primary caregivers and above all, by the society in
which we turn.
Based on my experiences, I must admit that the Polish country has always been rigorous. I
strongly believe that it has to do with the time of the Second World War, which devastated the country
and gave rise to a feeling of hatred for everything foreign.
The country’s politics teaches how to behave in life, persuading that the only correct religion is
Catholicism. The Polish nation has subordinated itself to the state authorities and their requirements
related to the way of bringing up children both in schools and families. Unfortunately, this led them to
lose their sense of freedom of speech and right to choose.
Today I see clearly that it didn’t have a positive impact on our development. Most Poles have
become racists, mainly due to a lack of adequate education about other countries.
These factors, however, are conscious factors that build our personality. And these are opposite to
our innate instincts.
Therefore, I’d like to focus first on human primal instincts, such as: food, water, survival,
security, love, etc. When we lack any of the above, this will create an inner conflict in long term that can
cause mental disorders.

For example, if your parents didn’t express their feelings towards you or didn’t give you enough
attention, you will automatically start feeling rejected in the long run.
 As a child, we don’t have a greater understanding of what is happening around us. We learn only
from observation, until we develop analytical skills. Thus, driven by our instincts, we believe that we
must fulfill our desires every moment. It becomes impossible for a child to understand that parents are
busy working or tired after having a hard day at work. When this behavior is repeating without any
explanation, and you are not giving your child attention or not expressing your feelings, while children
are not in their fully developed mind yet, you push them away. This will leave a significant mark on their
life.
After repetition of the same situation over and over again, we unconsciously program ourselves
for being rejected. Therefore, there is a possibility that we will project such experiences on any potential
partner. To avoid the hurt, we may unconsciously reject the person before that person may reject us.
We are living in the age of Kali-yuga (the age of darkness), the world full of competition, greed,
lust, attachment to sense gratification, and the need for fulfilling our materialistic desires. Having a family
is not necessarily a priority, and yet many people start a family only because they want to fit in the
society’s standards. There are also cases of irresponsible people who use sex as pleasure, which often
results in unwanted pregnancies.
Unfortunately, we seem to act with our instincts rather than logic, and only because of that, we all
suffer from mental disorders.

About my childhood

I remember childhood as a rather strange time. From an early age, I valued my own space.
Therefore, I spent most of my time in my room, writing, singing, dancing or drawing the same picture of
nature and a wooden house in the mountains. And although I was apparently quite a calm child, it wasn’t
necessarily easy-to-understand me. I have often embarrassed people by asking deep questions about life.
And since no one knew the answer, I analyzed all possibilities by myself.
On the other hand, I have had days when I would emerge from my room and share my light with
others. On such days, I performed for my family and their friends, giving them joy. No one could guess
how I would surprise them the next day. Therefore, it was hard for anyone to understand my rather
unusual nature.
My mother was a Theology teacher. She used to organize school trips to a place called Zakopane
—a magical city in the southern Poland. It has the most beautiful National Park and wonderful
mountain’s panorama. I used to look forward in every summer or winter season to travel there again. In
the early 90s, the city was less crowded with tourists than nowadays. We used to walk miles and climb
tops on a sunny day in the summer. Winter period was always snowy, thus it was a great opportunity to
practice skiing or to organize a sleigh ride with horses, a bonfire and a cup of hot lemon-honey-ginger tea.
My older brother and I are very different—rather total opposites. Therefore, being unable to reach
agreement, we used to argue all the time. And although we've had better days, our relationship has never
been close.
Ever since my brother was one of the best students at school, my parents often compared me to
him. Unfortunately, it had quite a negative impact on my development. As a child, I believed that I wasn’t
good enough for them. Since then, I have instilled in me the feeling that to be a worthy person I have to
be good at everything.
And so for years, no matter what I did, I wanted to meet their demands, often forcing myself to
do things against my will. Confused by their lack of interest, I always tried my best to deserve their
attention. However, busy with work, they rarely took the time to check on my progress.
Being an artistic, sensitive child was exceedingly difficult. I couldn’t focus easily and get
involved in studying. I just wasn’t interested in the school program. Instead of listening to the teachings, I
was absorbed in reflection about life and its sense. No one understood me and the way I perceive reality.
I remember one morning; I was staring at myself in the mirror and asked: “Who am I? Am I the
person I see in the mirror? How do other people see me? Am I alive? Am I this body? Why was I
born in this family? Are they really my parents? Why do I feel so different from them?”

They couldn’t answer my questions. I couldn’t either.

Like every family, we also had our hard times. Some days my parents would argue over money or
other reasons. I didn’t like it when they argued. That’s why on these days I would often lock myself in the
room and think. Every time something went wrong, I could feel their frustration and anger. Therefore, I
was always afraid to ask for money since I heard many times that we don’t have enough.
You could often see me thoughtful, analyzing every situation or simply reflecting on my thoughts
that I later poured onto paper. I used to love writing poems. Poems were on pain, betrayed love and
broken heart. Even though I didn't understand what that meant. I listened to songs about betrayed love and
then cried like it was my own story. And so, from around the age of eight, it continued until around my
twelfth year. Years were passing by, but I still felt the same. I couldn’t explain this constantly growing
internal confusion, pain and emptiness. Therefore, I isolated myself from the outside world, focusing on
crafting my artistic talents.
At twelve, I joined three individual groups with different dance styles, at the same time I was a
singer in a rock band. We gave many concerts with the band and performed at various events with my
dance groups, traveling around Poland. It was a great distraction, but more than that it was a way of me
expressing my hidden feelings.
To this day, I am grateful to my parents for allowing me to try different hobbies. They often
supported me by watching my performances. Unfortunately, they never took any pictures of me. So the
only memories I have left are those in my head.
My father was a stubborn person and often forced his will on others. He always chased us to go to
the church on Sunday. I really couldn’t understand why people go there. Priests read the scriptures telling
about God’s wonderful deeds. And yet, no one could explain who God is when I asked. Therefore,
looking for answers, I began to study the Bible. And although the text was fairly simple to understand, I
couldn’t find clarity; it seemed as if something was missing.
It frustrated me so much that I didn’t know the answers to my questions. Yet, new ones kept appearing,
causing even more confusion. Finally, this confusion led me to a crisis. I had lost a sense of belonging. I
couldn’t hide my desperation any longer. There was nobody there to hear me and try to understand.
I was planning to commit suicide. I was fed up with living in the unknown. I felt different,
misunderstood and unwanted. My parents, always busy with their work, never had time to talk. My
grandfather criticized me and doubted my abilities. The rest of the family, on the other hand, constantly
talked about me and compared me to my brother. And although I was born into this family, I didn’t feel
that I belonged there.
I took the full hand of the available pills, hoping it would take me away from this so-called
reality. Moments later, I lost control and passed out. Suddenly I felt something hit my face; I opened my
eyes, but no one was there. Instead, I heard an inner voice telling me that I have a purpose in this life.
And although it seemed a bit mysterious to me, I realized that no matter how much I wanted, it wasn’t my
time yet.
After this incident, I became closed off and emotionally detached. I decided to get out of the
house and find someone who would resonate with me. But all I found were internally suffering
youngsters, trying to escape their reality, just like me. So I joined them and adapted to their way of being.
And while I was partially suppressing my sensitive side, a part of me wanted to help them deal with their
problems. Even though I was surrounded by people from different backgrounds, we all had the same
problem—a lack of understanding. That’s why I felt a great need to support them and motivate, so they
could improve their situations.

Better to understand than be understood

A lack of love and understanding often results in low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and the
feeling of being unworthy. Despite that, I had a firm belief in the possibility of changing any
circumstances, since I was saved from death.
For several years I watched others wasting their childhood, being engaged in fights, escaping
from school, drinking, and taking drugs. I put so many efforts into trying to prove that there is a solution
for every situation. However, they were not strong enough to take the opportunity and change their
circumstances.
I finally realized that I couldn’t find myself among my fellow countrymen, feeling as if they were
trying to take away the possibility of development, blocking me by imposing their will. Completely not
understood by my family and friends, I moved from place to place searching for “home”. It was hard for
me to grow up among closed-minded people who called the illusion of living a reality. I just knew I didn’t
belong there.

Just to Recap

Today, I understand that it is not only the origin that shapes our personality. The environment in
which we turn has a significant influence too. In these times, above all, the media exerts more pressure on
us than politics or religion. Unfortunately, more and more people in the world are becoming victims of
the internet.
Instead of being happy, they are continually chasing for money, fame, and a high and improved
external image based on what they meet in social media. Competition over time increases and becomes
stronger, which leads to psychological damage, and consequently, people being forced to take advice
from a specialist. Unfortunately, the medical way of dealing with the case is prescribing pain killers or
anti-depressants to those who seek help. Any other case looks for relief in drugs and alcohol.
In the second case, people often believe that they can forget about their misfortunes by distracting
themselves and start to unconsciously engage in even more drama. As we all know, intoxication is
addictive. The dosage of drug or alcohol increases in time, and while giving a relief, it also gives more
pain. This way we become attached to the constant need for satisfying hunger, which consequently causes
internal conflict and damage.
The nascent internal conflict is caused by the need to satisfy hunger and the desire to free
ourselves from the imposed rules and duties lead to mental disorders, anxiety, depression, or in the worst-
case - suicide.
And although I wanted to, unfortunately I wasn’t able to find any solutions for those people. My
efforts didn’t matter much since they didn’t want to be helped.
Sadly, I had to leave them. I could no longer watch them wasting their lives.

EXERCISE 1
Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are your childhood memories?

2. Were your parents/guardians giving you enough love/ understanding/ care?
3. Did your parents compare you to your siblings/ other children?
4. Did your parents expect a lot from you?
5. Has someone imposed his/her will on you?
6. Has anyone hurt you and made you go silent?

I would recommend going into a meditative state with hands folded in prayer. Bring them closer to your
heart and ask yourself each question.
Take the time and be patient with yourself.
Then write down your answers on a piece of paper.
Remember to pay special attention to the feelings that accompany you and how your body behaves.

CHAPTER 2
“ T H E N E X T S TA G E I N L I F E ”

“If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn no one can
stop you” - Zig Ziglar

If you don’t make the change yourself, life will do it for you.
As the years go by, it’s time to take a new direction in life. I had to give up my passions and
choose a field of study.
Since childhood, my parents told me that education is of the greatest value, so I adopted this
truth. And so to this day, I believe that the most important skill possessed by a man is the ability to learn.
One of the most valuable ways to learn is active listening. At a later stage, our brain processes the
information received and encodes it in our subconscious mind, so we can use it in an adequate moment.
I have waited a long time for the day when I would be able to move out from my parents. And
when that time came, I knew exactly what city I wanted to move to. Poznan is quite a popular student city
due to a high number of universities. Besides, it is also a touristic place. Therefore, I didn’t have to worry
if I would find a job, since most of the places were adapted to the student’s needs. I chose weekend
studies, so during the week I could earn money for fees.
My friend and I moved there a month before the start of the academic year to look for a job. We
both hoped to find something right away. Unfortunately, after less than a month of searching, my friend
decided to return to a hometown. I, on the other hand, got a job offer as a waitress in a restaurant.

Invest in education

The university I had chosen was private and it had an excellent reputation. The professors who
lectured there are one of the best doctors in Poznan, and some even in Poland. The number of students in
particular faculties was limited. Therefore, I couldn’t afford to lose this opportunity.
I hesitated, choosing between psychology and cosmetology. As a last resort, I chose cosmetology.
In case you don’t know what a cosmetologist does—a cosmetologist creates cosmetics, perfumes or
performs body treatments.
I remember the day when I received the e-mail with the year-round program. After looking
through the material, I grabbed my head and said to myself, "What did I get into?" The entire program
covered medical topics.
The first year at the university was difficult because of the advantage of theory over practice. The
professors were very demanding and not too easy-going. The level of teaching was high, which also
facilitated the assimilation of the assigned reading.
While studying cosmetology, I realized how much I was interested in healthy eating and
psychology. It happened that we had both the subjects in both the first and the second years. Therefore, I
took advantage of this great opportunity and also explored these areas of science.

Becoming someone else

I have often tried to get away from so-called reality, which for some reason confused me. I just
couldn’t find my place. I tried various professions and made new friendships that were supposed to help
me go through tough times. And yet, I still had the feeling that something was missing, but I couldn’t
understand what it was exactly. Even though I surrounded myself with very sociable and wise people, my
way of thinking and looking at life differed from theirs. However, I felt compelled to adjust to my
surroundings. At least I then felt that I had no other choice.
 Aside from feeling more independent as I was far from home, life didn’t seem easier. I had to
take full responsibility for my decisions, not relying on anyone. The rivalry between my brother and me
still continued, even if I didn’t want to get involved. Unfortunately, it had a negative effect on my
development. I felt trapped in my mind and blocked because of it. Following the society, I ignored my
intuition, which repeatedly told me that I was doing something against my nature.
I remember working hard to pay for the life I was leading. I’m sure you can imagine how
exhausting student life can be. My companions loved to party. We were a group of six girls. We lived,
worked, traveled, and even spent our free time together. The restaurant we worked in was surrounded by
many nightclubs and bars. The clubs were open until the early morning, so we always left last. We knew
everyone and everyone knew us.
I used to say that life is a game and in a way it was. Each of us played a unique role in our lives. We were
carefree and joyful when we were together. But when we separated, there was jealousy, greed, gossip, and
most of all, immaturity. Big city life has created even more false identifications/masks.
We often talked about our dreams and ideas for the future. Actually, for years, I had the feeling
that I was living the future, and not the present. I kept waiting for something to come, ignoring the “here
and now.” I was always planning in my head the next trip to Europe or just looking forward to the
weekend. Oddly enough, once it came, it passed so quickly that I didn’t even have the time to enjoy it.
Summer was the busiest time in the restaurant. Tourists and passers-by crowded the city center.
The shift at work started at 10:00 am and lasted until midnight, yet we still had the energy to visit our
friends at a club near home. However, soon after, things got complicated between us companions, and we
argued or avoided each other. Using this opportunity, I took a break from partying and focused on my
studies. In my last year at university, I developed some health issues. Thus, I was forced to change both
my diet and the lifestyle. To avoid any conflicts, I changed the job and move out of our flat.
Remembering those times, I now think: “How is it possible to live like this for almost three years?!”

Void in the heart

It was January 2014. That day I came across a rental ad. Someone had a spare room to rent.
Therefore, I booked that viewing the same day with a lady named Anna who turned out to be the owner.
Anna was a mid-aged, single, friendly and chatty lady. We got on very well and both immediately
decided about me moving in on the very next day. The flat was about ten minutes away from the
university and just thirty minutes away from work.
Anna didn’t work, she was a retired ex math teacher. Instead, she was engaged in the Catholic
Church. I discovered this on the third night when she was singing and playing guitar at 2 am, praying to
God. Unfortunately, she had some strange sleeping patterns. However, I felt that I didn’t want to
complain about it. I already knew that she was very lonely and unhappy. She had nobody to talk to, that’s
why she would often sit in a frame of the door to my room telling me her stories. The stories she told
resembled a mix of events she experienced. Anna always had so much to tell, so she would often forget
what she was talking about a minute before.
One night she almost burned the apartment during cooking, when she fell asleep from fatigue.
Well, she just loved to eat.
On the other occasions, she carried out renovations, which she often extended by weeks because of the
lack of motivation to finish her work. Above all, she was funny and easy-going. I lived with her until June
and believe me or not; I missed her. People like Anna have a good heart and always good intentions.
Perhaps I learned nothing from her, but I did learn a lot about people like her. This acquaintance showed
me how loneliness and confusion in life can turn into obsessive habits.

Time for change

The end of the academic year was approaching. I already knew that I won’t be able to continue
my studies. The master’s degree was much more expensive than the bachelor’s degree. Therefore,
something was telling me that I had to leave Poland. I would lie if I said that I didn’t like this period of
my life. And yet, despite the good memories, I could no longer avoid the internal conflict that grew with
each passing day.
Just before graduating, I was planning to go on an adventure and explore the world. I was sick of
partying, fitting in, and sharing my time with limiting people. And although I couldn’t speak English, I
desperately wanted to take the risk and challenge myself this time even more. Therefore, I decided to
move to England. I left work immediately, booked the tickets, and lastly informed my parents about my
plans.
Throughout all these years, I was sure that I was pursuing my dreams. But what dreams I had? I
realized that all this time I was living someone else’s life, but not mine. Nothing made sense anymore.
Again, I felt like I don’t belong somewhere. Perhaps I made many mistakes, but despite that, I believe
that all my decisions were exactly right for me. I learnt a lot from this period of time. And believe me;
you cannot learn anything from being perfect. Life without mistakes is just an empty journey. So, don’t
be afraid of making mistakes, these are the lessons.
We often try to impress others by changing the external appearance or following trends. We look
for attention and acceptance, that’s why we often do things against our will—just because we want others
to like us. And we are often ignoring our own needs and intuition.
How many times you must make the same mistake?—until you learn the lesson! We are
constantly unhappy and confused. And yet we don’t even try to find the root cause of our unhappiness.
We complain about our misfortune and instead of making a change, we rather socialize more to detach
from suffering. We look for answers in the wrong places. We listen to others, so we follow the norms
imposed by the society. I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and follow your heart and not
the other people.

Just to Recap

A constant search for one's place results from a lack of self-awareness and understanding. A
chronically distressing feeling of emptiness and confusion ultimately leads to unhappiness. On the other
hand, a sense of unhappiness pushes us towards temporary "anesthetics" such as alcohol and drugs.
Surrounded by friends, we get intoxicated, while convincing ourselves that everything is fine. And when
we are alone, we have a fear of loneliness. Conditioned to live according to what society dictates, we
suppress our genuine feelings. Every day we struggle with adversities, constantly deluding ourselves that
we have control over our own lives.
Thirsty for positive experiences, we seek fulfillment in material things. And so, we spend money
to please ourselves and satisfy our senses. Unfortunately, it quickly turns out to be just an illusion of
happiness that wears off just as quickly. The farther you try to run away, the farther you are from your
truth.
Know that you cannot run away from yourself. No matter how busy you are during the day, there
will always be a moment when you will feel this void that no one and nothing external can fill.

EXERCISE 2
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Where are you going? (Your purpose in life)
2. What is that you want from your life?
3. How much longer will you allow yourself to live the life you don’t belong to?
4. How would it feel like being surrounded by people who accept you as it is for the type of person
you are?
5. Do you need to please others to see your worth through their acceptance?
6. What if taking a risk and deciding to change is the best decision you’ve ever made?
7. What if instead of running away from your problems, you can resolve them with just a little effort
and dedication?
8. Finally, what if the society is wrong and rather you yourself know better what is right for your
life?
Ask yourself these questions as many times as you need, reflect on them, and answer when you are ready.

CHAPTER 3
“FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH
THROUGH THE CHALLENGES
T H AT L I F E B R I N G S Y O U ”

“If somehow you managed to find yourself in such a situation, know that you also have the
power to get out of this situation” - I. M Kubicka

Listen to your Intuition

My decision to move to England was spontaneous, which didn’t satisfy my father at first. Rather,
I would say that he was trying to convince me to stay home. Well, it was too late; I decided and I had
already bought the ticket.
For a long time, I couldn’t find my place in Poland. For some reason, I never felt at ease. I didn’t
feel like I belonged there. That’s why I was extremely happy when this period ended.
My father came to pick me up and help me with the luggage gathered over the last three years.
Fortunately, there wasn’t much of it, so we packed everything at once.
I couldn’t believe that I had finally closed this chapter of my life. This period was rather intense
and many times hard, taking into account the level of exams I had to go through. In hindsight, it was
worth devoting this period to both academic and life studies. Combining a full-time job with an entire
weekend of study has been the biggest challenge so far. And yet, it has proven to be valuable for the life
lessons learnt and a wealth of experiences.
In exactly one week, I was supposed to start my greatest adventure. So, when the day came, I was
overly excited and happy. I had no plans. However, I was ready to take the risk and go into the unknown.
Storm before the rainbow

I landed in Luton around noon, the day before my birthday on June 16, 2014. On that day, luck
was on my side and I quickly found a place to stay.
It was a vast house with five rooms and only one was available. The residents greeted me kindly and
showed me around the apartment. The very next day I went to the Job Center to register, as my
housemates advised me. I applied for the necessary documents and waited patiently for any message or
job offer. Unfortunately, the days passed, and I didn’t receive any message. The inability to manage
money made me feel uncomfortable. About a month later, I was already running out of money and it
forced me to decide about relocation.
I remember one day looking for an opportunity to move elsewhere. It was so coincidental when I
suddenly received a message from an old friend from my hometown. We didn’t know each other very
much, and yet after a few minutes of talking, we concluded that we both needed company and a change in
life. It so happened that she had been living in London for several years. That’s why I was glad when she
offered me a stay until I could find something for myself. I didn’t think twice. I was so lucky that my
other friend lived in a nearby town. He agreed to pick me up and drive me to London. Considering my
situation, it was the best decision I could have made.
When we finally got to Croydon (South London), I felt excited again. My friend was in a hurry,
so he left right after I met the couple. A girl with her Albanian boyfriend welcomed me to their cozy
apartment, and then he left. “He doesn’t speak English”, she said, “Well me too”, I replied, and we
both burst out laughing. We were both happy that we could meet after many years, at least this time we
got to know each other better. A few hours later, she confessed that she wasn’t happy in the relationship
and that she missed all her friends from Poland.
My intuition was telling me that something must be wrong since she invited me unexpectedly.
And soon I found out why. Back then, I knew nothing about the Albanians. From what she told me, I
understood that her boyfriend was living there illegally. I asked where he worked and she replied,
“Selling drugs”. Great! — I thought. “Does he keep them at home?” —I asked. Unfortunately, the
answer was
“Yes”! - I felt deeply disappointed, yet had no choice but to stay there and pretend I knew nothing about
it.
The good news was that she had already spoken to her ex-boss about a job at the restaurant where
she previously worked. And only two days later, I had an appointment with him. I remember being
stressed and tired after a sleepless night. Determined to get the job, I spent the entire night learning useful
English words so I would at least introduce myself.
And even though I didn’t impress anyone with my language skills, at least I left a smile on
people’s faces, which is why I got this job.
Fortunately, I had experience working in gastronomy. All I needed was someone to show me
their way of working. Unfortunately, I quickly noticed that there was a lot of politics there. This made it
difficult to find someone who worked honestly and decently. Most of my associates were Indians, and to
make it harder, they spoke Hindi to each other. Honestly, it didn’t bother me at first as I didn’t even
understand English. Therefore, I gave myself more time to adapt. And to my surprise, after a while, it
turned out that most of them were friendly. Unfortunately, some were rude and disrespectful.
For example, a manager laughed at me because I couldn’t speak English.

Difficult beginnings

Like every beginning, this one was incredibly stressful and hard to adapt. Due to the lack of
knowledge of the language, I couldn’t trust anyone. Sadly, I could only rely on myself. To make matters
worse, the place was extremely busy, and customers were demanding and picky. The restaurant was full
of locals and outsiders, which made the place always overcrowded.
There were days when frustrated I locked myself in a freezer to cool off and recover from hours
of running. What’s worse, even returning home didn’t make me feel safe. Therefore, I often spent my free
time in the park near home and studied English. I desperately wanted to learn as fast as I could.
The time went by and I realized something interesting; something trapped me in a repeating
pattern. I changed my circumstances; surrounded myself with new people, but somehow these people
were reminding me of those who I left behind. I just couldn’t understand how it is possible to get into the
same situation living in a distinct part of the world.
The people I met were from different places in the world, which means diverse traditions,
religious factors, beliefs, etc. I had to speak a foreign language and live with strangers, and yet, they were
the same kind of people who I knew back home. The same desires, the same behaviors, and even the
beliefs were the same.
I felt pulled into two different directions. One part of me was in need to resolve my confusion and
find similar people who understood; the other part fell into a repetitive pattern. I immediately switched to
a person who I was before, and I did what I was used to. To fit in, I accepted the fact that I needed to
adapt to my surroundings.
Trust me, being a woman can be exceedingly difficult, especially when you attract every type of
man. I couldn’t allow myself to be weak, naive, sensitive, or silly among all these sex-driven men who
were waiting for the opportunity to abuse this poor and young girl. The world has gone crazy.
Did you know that human beings, no matter on gender, have both energies, masculine and
feminine within?—to avoid any danger, I had developed masculine energy considerably. I spent much
more time among men than women. While watching my friends, I was trying to understand their way of
being. I became emotionally unavailable. And although it was difficult to pretend to be someone I am not,
the situation required it from me.

Turn your weaknesses into strength

One evening I was already in bed when the girl came with a big roll (cannabis cigarette) asking if I would
like to share. I couldn’t refuse. The stress level has been high for the past few weeks. Therefore, we
burned the whole joint, and then she went back to her room. However, moments later she returned, wasn’t
looking very satisfied. She looked paranoid and scared. “What happened?” — I asked. “They will kill
us!” —She said. “Who?” “My boyfriend’s brother and his associates.” I continued asking, “Why?”
— “Because we know too much and they don’t like it” — she replied. And yet I still felt sorry for
their situation and how they had to fight for survival. Not knowing what the next day might bring. They
had to avoid contact with the police for fear of being deported to Albania.
Well, the truth is, we had a lot of cocaine in our apartment. They hid some plots in flowers, some
under the carpet and some in light bulbs. I often saw strangers coming several times a day to collect some
of these plots and just leave without saying a word.
One afternoon, I just had enough of living under constant pressure. I remember going to the park
as always and this time calling my mother. I told her how hard life is here and that I wasn’t sure I could
take it any longer.
I cried to her but couldn’t explain the reality of the situation in which I found myself. I didn’t
want her to worry. In response, I heard: “If you’ve decided to move to England, now you need to be
strong and stay there for at least another month. If nothing changes after this month, you can
return home”. It devastated me. I couldn’t believe my mom just told me to stay longer, while hearing me
cry and complain. It couldn’t be worse. I stayed there for a while longer, wondering how to get out of a
situation I had thrown myself into. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to come up with any solution, at least not
at that moment. So, I went back to the apartment while pretending that everything was fine. We lit the
cannabis and watched the movie like every night.
Fortunately, after a few weeks, I could finally move out. One of our regular clients rented rooms.
He offered a good price, and no deposit required. The house was outside Croydon, in an eerily quiet
neighborhood. It was a great opportunity and I just couldn’t refuse it.
At first, there were only two of us in the house — the guy who had his room downstairs and I had
the whole area upstairs. I didn’t see him often, but when the opportunity came up we would sit outside in
the garden and chat. He seemed quiet and humble. And yet one night when I got home, I smelled
cannabis coming out of his room. Well, to tell you the truth, it didn’t surprise me when I found out later
that he too was selling drugs. Why didn’t that surprise me? While working in a restaurant, I realized that
most of our clients were selling or taking drugs of any kind. This will sound horrible, but I got used to it
after a few months. It has become my reality.

You have more talents than you think

After the last conversation with my mother, I never mentioned again that I would like to return
home. We have had brief contact since then. I felt that this conversation changed me mentally over time; I
felt much stronger and more confident. I was ready for any challenge, and that was only because I had
learned to detach myself from my feelings.
I still didn’t have enough money to buy English lessons. This forced me to find another, more
accessible way to learn. Thanks to my determination and perseverance, I discovered a useful skill that I
had. To understand others, I observed their body language and facial expressions as they spoke. My
observation skills, concentration, and ability to remember improved with daily practice. Quite a
fascinating fact in the learning process turned out to be the ability to sense the energy and intentions of
people. Suddenly I could sense people’s intentions and their truthfulness, or the lack of it. These
newfound skills have made my life and interaction with others much easier.
After about a year, my English improved significantly, and I could finally have meaningful
conversations. Moreover, I noticed that I attracted people who often asked for advice. Friends or newly
met people opened up and talked about their personal struggles. Usually, the information they shared with
me was just things that worried them in everyday life. And while they never mentioned it, I could sense
their deep suffering below the surface. I automatically recognized their deep-seated trauma, and that was
only from observing their behavior, habits, body language, and general way of being. Fascinated by the
new discovery, I became even more interested in people’s behavior and their psyche. Once again, I
wanted to help everyone. I often listened to my colleagues before work, after or during work, while trying
to find a solution to their problem.
I have never shared my personal issues with anyone. And although there were days when I
needed help, my pride and feeling of self-sufficiency never allowed me to ask for it. I just knew I had to
be strong and deal with my own affairs. I’d rather repress my feelings and hide them inside. I was used to
being alone and self-reliant.

Recognize your blockages

It’s been two years since I felt stuck in gastronomy.

Deep down, I knew that I am supposed to do something significant on a global scale, yet I didn’t
understand what it was. Back then, I didn’t have the courage to get further out of my comfort zone. And
although I felt confident, something from the past was still significantly blocking me.
It was then that I realized that the root cause of the blockage lay in my childhood. As I mentioned
in the second chapter, my parents compared me to my brother. We often associate comparison with better
or worse, so I had coded in my mind that I’m worse and I miss something. This way, no matter how many
achievements and tasks I completed, or how quickly I developed a new skill, I couldn’t satisfy myself
enough. Deeply coded in my subconscious mind, I didn’t understand how to remove it.
I had enough of feeling ‘the same’. I realized the world is not a safe place anymore. I have
noticed that we all wear different masks. We only change them to fit specific situations. In psychology,
we call this aspect Persona. Persona is a false identification resulting from a set of standards imposed by
the society. Unfortunately, most people in our population are unaware of this.

Hiding your feelings can turn into a nightmare

And so, in two years I moved to different houses. I just couldn’t find a comfortable place for
myself. This time I found a studio apartment near work. The price was convincing and affordable,
therefore I took this opportunity and moved in. Unfortunately, not used to living alone, I quickly realized
how much I miss my loved ones.
Every night I had a terrible dream with a very devilish nature that was a shadow. Interestingly,
I’ve had this recurring nightmare since high school. I have noticed that in a dream where I couldn’t move;
I was paralyzed; I could hardly see and hear. I felt something sitting on my chest, holding my arms and
legs tight. Nor could I say anything and had trouble breathing, as if it had cut the oxygen supply.
I was going through a breakdown. Again, I had a feeling that I didn’t belong to this reality. Sometimes I
just wanted to pack my bags and escape somewhere. But instead, I just put on the mask and played the
role again the next day.

Unconscious projection

One evening I met a girl at work who had come for a drink with friends. As it turned out, she
lived about 10 minutes’ walk from me. She was a Polish girl, same age as me. We got on very well.
Therefore, we also exchanged numbers.
Sylvia had a three-year-old boy who lived with his father. I didn’t want to ask questions, and
especially not to engage in their arguments. However, I noticed that their disagreements and constant
fights had a tremendous impact on this little boy. And although Sylvia was a nice girl, very humble and
harmless, she had a nasty habit of putting herself first. The relationship with her son was rather cold and
emotionless, which sometimes hurt me just looking at it. I could feel his suffering, even though he was
still too young to understand anything.
 One day, out of curiosity, I asked Sylvia about her childhood memories. Completely surprised by
her calm behavior, I listened to her stories about a father who left them in early childhood and mother
who went abroad to earn money for three children who she left home alone. She was around 14 years old
when she had to look after her siblings. While going through adolescence, without a good example, she
could only expect to become the same as her parents. At least now I know where her behavior developed
since I saw the connection between her childhood and the way she looked after her son.

Just to Recap

When planning the future, we often set ourselves some expectations towards our lives. The word
expectation means nothing less than certain requirements that we believe are supposed to satisfy our
current state of mind. However, life is an energy force that changes every second, so we don’t know what
might happen the next day. Perhaps you’re very organized and predictable, so you can avoid unpleasant
surprises in life. But know that you cannot control the outside world. The only things you can control are
your feelings and behavior.
On the one hand, it’s good to have expectations, yet we should learn to disconnect from the
result. If you detach yourself from the outcome and expectations, no matter what the situation, you’ll
accept it as it is, without judging. I have learned over the years that since I cannot control external factors,
I just let life unfold naturally. Instead of making a judgment, I am adapting to the situation and give no
opinion
Each step we take is a risk, each person we meet brings a lesson, each decision we make is a
conclusion, all to make our life meaningful in the path to self-realization and self-understanding.
There is no better way to understand yourself than by interacting with others. I used to ask myself
why all this was happening to me, and then I found the blame in the surrounding people. We say
everything happens for a reason, but nothing in life makes sense until we make sense of it. You are the
person responsible for your feelings and decisions. Since you know that you cannot control external
factors, why not think of each experience as a significant lesson that teaches you something?
Changing your perceptions will help you see your life more positively. Know that the strongest
have to face the greatest challenges. Learn to draw conclusions and seek opportunities in everything to
learn something new about yourself.
Our society is very conditioned and limited; therefore, we often prefer to adapt to the needs of
society as to our own. But know that wearing a false identity mask is not a long-term solution to your
problem. In addition, keeping feelings inside eventually will cause internal discomfort, which often leads
to mental disorders. Don’t be afraid to seek reliable help, it can only bring you relief.

EXERCISE 3
1. Each day/week/month, write all the challenges/difficulties you had to deal with and then describe how
you coped with each situation and what it taught you about yourself.
2. What does inner strength mean to you and what activates it?
List three examples of situations where you wanted to give up, but you found the strength to continue the
fight. Then describe how you felt.

CHAPTER 4
“ALL KINDS OF INTOXICANTS
A R E O N LY T E M P O R A RY F I X E R S ”

“There is no chemical solution to the spiritual problem”

- Suchitra Chakraborty

Mysterious Stranger

The first contact with drugs I had was when I was about fifteen. It was out of curiosity, but also a
way of dealing with personal struggles. My relationship with my parents wasn’t great since they never
had time to listen or tried to understand what I was going through.
I met my first love when I was twelve. That day, I was leaving the dance studio when I saw him
for the first time. He was two years older than me, hilarious and easy-going. I remember, once he walked
me back home and at the end asked if we would see each other again. I was only twelve, and not allowed
to think about boys at this age. My father was clear enough about it. I didn’t even have a phone to keep
any contact with him. However, we met a few more times in the same place, just before he disappeared.
I didn’t like boys from school; they were all very childish. That’s why my girlfriends were so
excited to hear the story about the boy from outside. Unfortunately, I didn’t see him anymore since the
last time.

Out of curiosity

It was the second year of high school when I and my friends smoked cannabis for the first time. I
remember people telling us what to expect and just from listening to them, I imagined myself flying in the
pink sky among clouds. I and my friends were so excited to see the results. But apart from cravings and
laughs, we experienced nothing else. I was quite disappointed. Yet, I wanted to try it again.
Drugs in the city were accessible easily. Therefore, we often experimented with anything new. In
the beginning, it was more for fun. We always stayed in a safe environment to avoid any trouble. I never
confessed to my parents anything I do. Instead, I almost fully isolated myself from them. You could
rarely see me at home. I needed someone who I could talk to, and my girls were great at listening.

Expect unexpected

I already turned fifteen. That day, my friend and I got a phone number of someone who had
cannabis for sale. We arranged the meeting with a stranger and once we got there; it shocked me. The
person we supposed to meet was ‘my’ boy with his friend, who I also knew. I was happy to see them and
vice versa. And since then we were in contact, I started buying more cannabis or smoking together. Even
though I knew that he was selling drugs, he still attracted me.
It was a beautiful and sunny, summer day. That day we were supposed to meet in a group.
However, when I got to a destination, I surprisingly saw only him waiting. From the very first moment I
felt comfortable with him, while he was quite tensed, especially at the beginning. Therefore, without
asking any questions, I suggested a walk by the river and he agreed.
I remember bringing a bottle of house wine. It was wine made by my father. It turned out to be
the best summer drink. We both couldn't wait to taste it. And so, we were walking by the river, looking
for a place for our picnic. And when we finally found a fallen tree, we sat there and enjoyed the views.
I remember that we spent almost the entire day there. The wine was quite strong so we drank
slowly as we continued talking. I really enjoyed his company. He was still joking, making me laugh to
tears.
Girls at school were jealous of my new friends, thus only a few of them stayed in contact. I often
took them with me to the house party, they invited me to.
Boys were selling different drugs, such as pills, cannabis, amphetamine, and hashish. At that age, we
didn’t care about the consequences. We had no attention at home, so all we wanted was to forget about
the world for at least a moment and feel joy. I liked the fact that even though we were taking drugs with
the boys, we always felt safe. They never hurt us or did something against our will. It was more like a
friendship.

Wounded Youngsters

A year later we were an official couple. Once I even introduced him to my father, who was sure
that he was just a friend.
My boyfriend didn’t work apart from selling drugs. Therefore, we could spend every free moment
together. We often experimented with ecstasy, amphetamine, hashish and cannabis. The last one was
more like an everyday fix.
The gang he belongs to was protecting me in the city. Trust me, there was no such person who
will do me wrong. I enjoyed the privilege of having a position and being respected by others. However,
there was a significant difference between our backgrounds. Even though I still didn’t have great contact
with my parents, I would often stay home and go through my duties. While my gang members were
always out. Some of them didn’t even have a regular family. All they were doing was selling drugs,
drinking, and fighting between other local gangs. Some of them went to prison, after being caught with
drugs, and some of them were taking drugs daily to deal with everyday life.
Living between two different worlds led me to a better understanding of their position and
situation they were in. I couldn’t blame them for the life they were living, knowing that they had nobody
to teach them how to be good people, get a regular job, or at least finish school. I could feel their internal
pain and struggle, even when they were trying to hide it. I felt a great need to help them get out of their
situation. Unfortunately, they didn’t want to see any issues in their behavior. And although I tried many
times, I finally realized that it was pointless.
After almost 4 years, life forced me to break up with my boyfriend. Our relationship just wasn’t
going anywhere. He didn’t understand what was wrong about his life. Sadly, I was powerless. One day I
just couldn’t watch him wasting his life anymore, and I left.

Temporary joy often turns into a bad habit

At the university, I didn’t have access to drugs. Instead, we used to drink a lot. Maybe once or
twice smoked cannabis, but that’s all.
The real struggle I met once moved to London. At first, it scared me how easily accessible the
drugs are and the number of people are indulging in it. However, the longer I lived here, the faster I got
used to what I encountered on a daily basis. In London, the most popular drugs are cocaine, crack,
heroine and cannabis.
While I was living with the couple in Croydon, we had access to it at any time. Some days, the
girl was stealing from her boyfriend one or two grams of cocaine. We had a spot in a forest near home.
We used to spend hours taking cocaine and chatting about life. In the beginning, it was fun as we could
see the difference in our behavior. The talk was incredibly open, with no limitations. I felt confident and
empowered. The mind expanded and thoughts became clear.
In my head, I was making plans for my next move towards the biggest goals. Everything just felt
accessible and possible. However, I quickly realized the truth about this drug. Cocaine gives you the best
results only at the beginning. The more you take, the less you feel, only because your body quickly adapts
to a new state of mind.
What is dangerous about cocaine? Cocaine is highly addictive, especially for those who are quiet,
closed off, and shy by nature. As I mentioned before, this drug makes you empowered and confident.
Therefore, once your body adapts to a new state of mind, you will not feel the same as at the beginning,
that’s why your mind craves more. So, you take more and more hoping for any better experience. In this
way, I have seen many people exaggerated to the point of hallucinating, sweating, and even fainting.

Losing boundaries for momentary pleasure

After a while, working in a restaurant, I experienced many scary and awkward situations. I saw
people rapidly change their behaviors under the influence of drugs.
Weekends were the worst. Our restaurant had a huge bar area, shish garden, and a function room
where we used to hold private events. I believe it was impossible to have an eye on each customer, even
though we had three security guards working on the weekends. Therefore, apart from the customer
service, we had shifted for checking the toilets every hour. We used to pour oil on the top of the toilet
because people were using it to make a line of cocaine and sniff from there.
I realized that people have no boundaries with drugs. No matter on age, gender, social position, or
family status. Yet, the biggest shock was to see people I knew and respected, who, under the influence of
drugs, became someone completely different. Some of them had beautiful families and high social
positions. Yet, they were using drugs like many others, often times destroying their family life. I still
believe that none of them were aware of their addiction. I heard many terrifying stories about divorces,
broken families, debits, credits, loans, betrayals, and more,—only because the drug craving was stronger
than the mind.
I also saw young girls dressed up for clubbing, coming in for a few drinks, who always met
someone with drugs, willing to share. Beautiful, young girls were happy to do anything for just a line or
two of cocaine.
We often went out after work together as a team. Even then, everyone would do what others did.
It was impossible to avoid it; I thought at that time. Drugs were literally everywhere.
In time, I also met many new, regularly coming customers. We traveled together to London’s
biggest clubs. They introduced to me a new drug called MDMA. MDMA is a psychoactive drug or
ecstasy used for recreational purposes. The desired effects include altered sensations, increased energy,
empathy, and pleasure. My childlike curiosity led me to try also this time. And even though I was taking
drugs, I knew that my more experienced friends always looked after me.
The first time I took MDMA I felt as if I was flying on a dance floor. I didn’t lose my mind at all.
Instead, I felt love towards people around. I was just dancing like there was no tomorrow. There was no
violence, anger, or fighting. We were all dancing and enjoying ourselves. And while we were dancing, we
would rarely speak to one another.
Ever since I had a rather stressful life, I couldn't wait for another time to feel at ease again; to
become desensitized and forget about the painful reality.

Sudden Realization

As I mentioned earlier, we didn’t express our feelings at home in my childhood. Instead, we

argued often or completely avoided each other. Therefore, for many years I believed that my parents
weren’t proud of me compared to my brother. This resulted in a fear of being open to feelings and
accepting someone else's concerns. Completely unaware, I projected my feelings onto other people.
Moreover, I only attracted emotionally unavailable people who triggered feelings from childhood.
Something I was used to. Today I understand that it was a form of protection against possible hurt and
disappointment. And although I have always had a lot of love, I often suppressed it by abusing alcohol
and drugs.
And so, I led such a life for almost two years. Surrounded by those who had a lot of personal
issues, I was actually the only one who desired to find and understand their source.
One day, it suddenly hit me that I don't want to live like this anymore. I knew I deserved more than this.
Each day, I desperately asked God for a change. And so, I had a breakthrough. Unexpectedly, I felt
overwhelming pain and guilt. My body, mind, and soul had enough of this lifestyle. I realized that
marijuana had control over me. Just at the thought that something might be stronger than me, I wanted to
end it as soon as possible.
The next time I saw my companions intoxicated with drugs, I realized how much they wasted
their lives. I looked more closely and saw suffering, disappointment; a lack of love, trust, and
understanding.
Since I woke up from this illusion of life, I have repeatedly urged others to wake up.
Unfortunately, to no avail. In most cases, innocent fun has turned into a heavy addiction. And even
though they often said that they loved their way of living, I could sense their deep-seated wounds hidden
in their subconscious. Despite my helplessness, I supported them as much as I could. However, one day I
got a clear sign that it was time for me to make a choice and take full responsibility for my fate. Since I
was the only person who wanted a change, knowing that I had done what I could, I decided to leave. This
time, giving up everything became much easier. I just stopped going to parties and isolated myself from
all toxic people.
My life has improved significantly with the decision to abandon my old habits. Only the
memories of people who were not strong enough to face their problems remain. These were people who
have continued their carefree fun for years while running away from themselves.

Without a certificate, experience doesn't matter

A few years later, I volunteered at a recovery center. Having many years of experience, I believed
that I could help there at least. More specifically, by supporting people in the recovery process as soon as
they leave the drug addiction center. I was convinced that these people were ready to take action towards
improvement.
Before I could join the team, I had to undergo several different group training sessions. The
trainings turned out to be interesting and very informative. I learned many significant things that
completed my theoretical knowledge. Unfortunately, due to the work and studies, I could only afford one
day a week.
Initially, they asked me to participate in group meetings led by my colleagues. It was interesting
to be kind of a part of their journey. Every participant had a unique story and came from a different
background. Some of them were engaged in prostitution, some of them were homeless. Others came from
broken families, where they often experienced either of the mental, physical, or sexual abuse. They
seemed detached from their feelings, carefree and cold-hearted towards one another. I noticed one
significant common feature. They all believed they were a victim. Actively listening, I realized that all of
them were self-centered and mainly focused on blaming others for their misfortune. I will speak a little
more about victimization in another chapter.
I had a huge vision and plan to transform these people’s lives. I was about to bring some of my
energy and engage them in group exercise. This could help them improve their health.
However, after the very first group session, I realized that there was no chance to engage them.
In class, we had to follow all the old rules and regulations. This means that a typical session would
include questions about their progress in life while they recover, but also questions about drugs. And here
comes the question: how can we take their minds off drugs by talking to them about drugs? I quickly
noticed that almost everyone in the recovery was still intoxicated. I just couldn't understand how is it
possible that, having received all the help, they still didn't have the strength to fight the addiction?! - I was
wondering what the reason was. Was it insufficient help from the center, or perhaps too high an impact of
the environment? It broke my heart again because I noticed that even there I couldn't help. Unfortunately,
given the law, I was not qualified enough to make any changes to the program.

Just to Recap

I have seen hundreds of people ruining their lives, only because they chose to suffer in silence.
When we don’t understand the root cause of our problem, we often suppress unpleasant feelings
associated with a certain situation from the past. Unfortunately, avoiding any negative emotions will not
remove them from our subconscious mind. You may stop thinking about the problem temporarily, but be
sure that eventually someone unexpected will come to trigger it in you. Therefore, running away is not an
option. Eventually you will have to face your suffering until you understand its origin.
UNLESS you forgive yourself for your situation, let go of the past, realize that until the situation
is over, you cannot move forward. Don’t run away from the past and don’t hide old feelings. Instead, go
back to them, and try to understand their meaning.
Drugs or alcohol don’t heal your deep wounds and don’t take away the pain that hides in old
memories. Don’t be harsh on yourself. We all suffered at least once, and we all made mistakes. Life is full
of surprises and lessons which we must learn, and sometimes even against our will. This is the only way
to discover the truth about the purpose of our existence. As soon as you find the meaning of a situation,
your view will change automatically. And only then you’ll free yourself from pain.

Exercise 4
1. Recognize your addictions and the negative behaviors.
2. Seek appropriate help. Be open and share your problem with someone you can trust.
3. Meditate
• Find a quiet place.
• Sit comfortably, preferably in the lotus position (cross-legged).
• Focus on your body (make sure you are stable and comfortable).
• Listen to your breathing.
• Follow the sensation of your breath as it enters and exits.
• Notice when your mind wandered off (Your attention will inevitably leave the breath and travel
elsewhere. When you see your mind wandering - within seconds, a minute, and five minutes — return to
your breathing)
• Be nice to your wandering mind and don’t judge (Do not judge yourself or obsess over thoughts.
Just come back.)
• Finish with kindness and love (When you’re ready, gently lookup (if your eyes are closed, open
them). Take a moment to notice any sounds around you. Notice how your body is feeling now. And pay
attention to your thoughts and emotions.)
 CHAPTER 5
“ S E L F - V I C T I M I Z AT I O N –
EVERYTHING IS A FIGMENT OF
T H E I M A G I N AT I O N ”

“Silently repeat to yourself: I forgive myself for any ways in which I knowingly or unknowingly
caused hurt or harm to any living being or creature. I forgive all who have ever hurt or harmed
me. Everything between us is now cleared up.” - Michael Beckwith

Coded Patterns and Beliefs

Through the observations of the society in which we live, I must admit that, despite the progress
of science, people still live in ignorance and unawareness.
One day I concluded that everything I ever thought about myself was based on my childhood
traumas. I experienced something like flashbacks with the most important events, which had a hugely
negative impact on my personal growth.
As you know from the previous chapter, my parents were very demanding. But they never
checked on my progression. I rather preferred to ask my mother for advice or permission to do things than
my dad, who most of the time disagreed. However, many times it turned out that even my mother was
against me.
Since it came out that I was in a committed relationship with the guy from the local gang, parents
punished me for the sake of it. I was deeply hurt, angry, and disappointed at the bottom of my heart. I just
knew that I had to grow up faster and become independent since I couldn’t rely on my family.
Unknowingly, for years I repeated the same mistakes, projecting my hidden emotions from other
people. Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously use to cope with difficult
feelings or emotions. It involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather
than admitting to or dealing with unwanted feelings.
I often attracted those who reminded me of my parents. Unconsciously, I rejected every person
before they could do this to me. This way I avoided disappointment or hurt.
I associated another painful memory with money. I used to be frightened to ask my father for
money, knowing that he will get frustrated. Therefore, once I could go to work, I took any available offer.
Unfortunately, in time I realized that the work I had to put in wasn’t worth the money, they gave me. And
yet, scared to ask for pay raise, I unwillingly accepted the lowest possible pay for an hour of hard work.
Do you see the similarity in both situations, and the way the subconscious mind takes control based on
our childhood memories?
People often say, if you want to achieve something in life, you must get out of your comfort zone
and work hard. Well, I didn’t know what it is like being in the comfort zone. I had to take on all the
challenges that life brought to my feet.

Face the Truth

There was a place in nature where I used to go contemplate. Almost like a countryside forest with
a beautiful panoramic view. In the summer, I used to go there every day. I sat on a rocky wall, delving
into a trance. This state of trance helped me re-connect with my inner world. I awakened some inner
wisdom, and suddenly everything looked much clearer than before. I had a better understanding of myself
and the patterns I followed. To heal myself, I decided to work on my psyche, which helped me in a
process of self-discovery, and it revealed my subconscious activities.
When I used to tell people about my traumatic experiences, they always reacted with compassion,
feeling sorry for me. Well, honestly, I felt sorry for myself for almost twenty years. I know very well
these terrible feelings of constantly being a victim!
I used to say: “Life is against me! My family doesn’t love me! I have no support! People
take advantage of me! I only attract drug addicts, and that’s why I also take drugs! Employers
don’t appreciate my hard work, that’s why they pay me less!” The list of negative experiences could
go on. Whatever happened, I only felt blamed. But when I finally went into temporary isolation and
focused on my inner world, I honestly asked myself: “Who is responsible for the feelings I have?
Who decides and make choices for me? Who chooses the path of life I follow? — is it not me?”
— I couldn’t lie to myself any longer, so I asked myself: “Do I want this to continue for another 5 -
10 – maybe 15 years?”- No!
Now, I ask you to look at my story from a fresh perspective. Based on the previous chapters,
where I described my childhood experiences; could you tell me I felt a victim? — As a child, I coded in
my little head that I was a victim of my fate, and so it happened. When I finally understood the bitter
truth, I took the responsibility for my own actions, decisions, choices, and feelings.
We are often waiting for some external events to happen to us to change our perception or
behavior, but isn’t it we should look inside ourselves to change? People may not believe in you, but you
must believe in yourself!
 Life is not happening to us but is happening for us. Everything has its meaning. Every challenge
shapes us to become a better and stronger person!
After many years of focusing on working out myself, I discovered that my calling is to help
others understand their feelings, behaviors, and guide them towards their life purpose.

I would like to share with you, one of many articles I wrote, on self-victimization.

“I AM A VICTIM OF MY MIND”

I am sure you have said many times: “LIFE IS UNFAIR!—WHY ME?”

Tiredness, headaches, constant feeling of pressure exerted by the environment, fears, and
frustration accompany you in everyday life, and so for many years. You lack motivation. And there is this
terrible feeling in the morning when you must go to work where no one appreciates you. Your
supervisor’s expectations exceed your possibilities, and yet he imposes more obligations on you. Not to
mention the pay-out. It has not changed for years, despite the rising prices in the markets. But even then,
you are still dreaming that one day someone will finally offer you a higher position and better money.
—Unfortunately, these are all only dreams!

Stress is your fuel, and the only way for you to survive is to stay in fight-flight-freeze mode. The
family blames you for lack of organization and discipline. They still remind you of the passing time and
the fact that you cannot cope with daily responsibilities. Do you feel you've lost control of your life? Does
life challenge you at almost every step?

Do you often ask yourself:

“WILL THIS EVER END? WILL MY LIFE CHANGE? IS THIS WHAT I ONLY DESERVE?”
Let us do a small exercise:
- Sit in a comfortable position.
- Close your eyes and when you are ready, take three deep breaths.
- And now, imagine yourself in the best possible form.
You are opening your eyes in the morning, and you are full of energy. You are excited about the day
ahead. You know that you are going to work soon. To a place that gives you satisfaction. That day your
supervisor is happy with your job and offers you a higher position and a pay-raise.
Perhaps you have opened your own business. You pay your bills on time, and there is never a
shortage of funds in your bank account. Your day is perfectly organized, so you never feel pressure
during the day. The smile doesn’t leave your face. The family supports every decision you make and is
celebrating your successes. Your positive energy cheers people around you. Everyone loves your
company. You have many creative ideas and you share them with the world.
You even say to yourself: “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE I HAVE!”
NOW, open your eyes.

You need to understand that if you can imagine the worst-case scenario of your life and MAKE
IT YOUR REALITY, you can also imagine the best-case scenario that will soon turn out to be YOUR
NEW REALITY. You are the person responsible for your choices, decisions, feelings, health, and even
how other people perceive you.
YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR REALITY!
No school can teach you: how to be creative, how to make the right decisions, how to express and
control your feelings and emotions. Not even the school where they teach you how to take care of
yourself and health.
You were born creative and full of love and compassion. Only you know what the best choice for
you is, and only you know how to take care of yourself and your health.

Keep in mind that everything you complain about was YOUR DECISION and YOUR OWN CHOICE!

You probably think now: “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LIKE TO SUFFER AT THEIR
WISH?” And yet, millions of people complain about their lives and consciously or unconsciously make
themselves a victim of their fate.

“WHAT IF YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR FATE?”— Well, I hope you are ready because everything is
possible!

But, before you change anything, know that everything that happens in your life has its causes. So, let us
dive a little deeper and try to find the reasons for your misfortune.

Let us do a small exercise:

Close your eyes again.
We will go back to your childhood this time.
Think about the time when you felt underappreciated.
How was your relationship with your parents/guardians?
- Perhaps you felt: Rejected? Unloved? Felt invisible?
- Did your parents give you enough attention, supported your interests?
- Did they compare you to other children? If yes, did you never feel good enough?
 What shapes us is very deeply rooted in our childhood. Our origin, faith, family traditions,
country politics, and patterns were passed down from generation to generation — it all affects how our
personality shapes itself. From the point of view of a small child who has no greater understanding, the
situation looks much more drastically than it really is.
Of course, there are cases of abuse in the family, which will leave a clear mark on the life path, as
well as have a significant impact on how you react to people and how you interact with them. However, I
would like you to understand that everything you went through in your childhood, no matter how painful,
it was to teach you how to deal with life.

Surely you think now: “IT’S EASY TO SAY BUT I JUST CAN’T FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO
ME IN THE PAST?” - It can’t work that way!
So, my question is: “HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE? WOULD
YOU LIKE TO BE HAPPY OR STAY WHERE YOU ARE? — Because the choice is yours!

The goal of each of us is to realize our nature, the potential as well as discover the purpose of our
existence. Life is a mission that you should accomplish. The more challenges and obstacles are ‘thrown at
your feet’, the more lessons you learn. As you observe your choices and decisions, learn how to draw
conclusions, and discover your abilities and possibilities. If your life is full of difficulties, BE
GRATEFUL FOR THIS because it is a confirmation of how powerful the potential and the strength of
spirit IS IN YOU.

NOTHING HAPPENS WITHOUT A REASON!

Each challenge is a test of your skills and THE LEVEL OF BELIEF in your abilities. Don’t
waste time and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Instead, awaken your inner power and go
through life. Be ready for more!
Changing your perception, or IN OTHER WORDS, THE WAY YOU LOOK AT YOUR
LIFE, will help to prove that you can face everything regardless of reality.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS!

Forget about your childhood restrictions and everything you have ever learned. Why? — If everything
you learned at home or school didn’t give you satisfaction and didn’t build this strong faith in your
abilities by now, it is understandable that this was just not right for you.
Nobody knows YOU better than YOU DO. Only YOU KNOW what is best for you. Even if you make a
million mistakes along the way, it doesn’t matter!
How can you discover your truth and accomplish your mission, if you live according to the rules imposed
by others? —We are not robots programmed with the same program. We are all unique and we should
follow the path designated for us.

DON’T TRY TO BE SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT!!

While listening to others and doing what the society wants you to do, you will never be happy,
and you will rather live in slavery, never knowing who you really are.
You have the strength and the potential to face every challenge. Therefore, get rid of old beliefs,
habits, and the old way of thinking. You are no longer that abused child! You are much more than what
you see in the mirror!

YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE!

Thus, if you believe that you are a victim, you will be one. On the other hand, if you only shift your
perception, you will change your reality in the process.

EXERCISE 5
MEDITATION AND LETTER.
• Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Relax.
• In your mind, try to return to the time when someone hurt you (physically/emotionally) in your
childhood. With your imagination, look at the situation through the eyes of an adult and try to find a
meaningful explanation for the situation as well as what this situation was supposed to teach you. (And
although situations can be unpleasant, know, however, that everything in life has a meaning, no matter
how painful the experience is).
• Then imagine that you are hugging a little version of yourself, saying to yourself the words you
always wanted to hear. Send yourself a lot of love.
• Open your eyes, and when you are ready, write a letter to yourself.
• In this letter explain what happened.
• Forgive yourself and the other people involved.
• Express your feelings, give yourself love.

CHAPTER 6
“ABOUT HITTING THE ROCK
B O T TO M A N D K E E P I N G FA I T H ”

“You can’t control the external environment. Sometimes all you can do is to relax and trust that
things will work out” - I. M Kubicka

Each person is meant to teach you something

Everything in my life seemed to have improved significantly since I detached from my old
friends; especially my English improved significantly. Along with the new environment, new people also
appeared in my life, which also brought the feeling of a better tomorrow.
One evening Sylvia and I went to the cinema. I remember it was a fairly late film show that ended
around midnight. On our way back home we were commenting on the movie when suddenly I heard
someone shout “Hi” in our direction. I turned my head and saw a cute guy smiling from the car. I
replied, “Hello”. He was alone, and it seemed as if he was just hanging around for no reason.
I remember I couldn’t resist his smile. I pulled on Sylvia’s hand to get closer to his car, and he
automatically got out of it. And so we introduced ourselves. He was a footballer. He was at my age,
mixed race, very tall and funny. However, it was too late to continue our conversation any longer, so we
exchanged numbers and agreed to meet the next day. He had this something about him that made me look
forward to meeting him again.
At that time, I was renting a studio flat. It was a large room with a kitchenette and a shared
bathroom. One of my friends also lived in the same building two floors above. Therefore, we often spent
time together, inviting other girls for drinks and chats. However, there were also days when I was alone,
which often made me feel lonely.
When Mark and I met, it was already winter. He visited me the next day as agreed. Mark was
very cute, easy-going, fun, and smart. I remember we talked for hours before he left. We had a lot in
common. I also liked the fact that he was very caring, something that I certainly missed. I felt safe with
him, and I could be sure that he would do anything to put a smile on my face. And so from then on, he
filled my days with joy and laughter.
We enjoyed our time together, so we could never get enough of each other. I saw him every day,
before or after work. He always picked me up from work and drove me home. Everyone in the restaurant
knew and loved him for his sense of humor and kindness. And so slowly he made me fall in love with
him, or at least I felt a lot of passion and support between us. After about 2 weeks, he introduced me to
his mother, who also turned out to be the most loving person, just like him.
Due to the fact that it was freezing and dark in my flat in winter, Mark always took me to his
place. He lived in a vast house with his parents and three lovely dogs. His mum looked after both of us,
making sure we were stuffed and happy. Until this day, I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to meet this
wonderful woman and feel her loving motherly heart.

Good Intentions count most

It was the middle of the week when a Polish girl came to the restaurant asking for a job. It was a
quiet time of the day so we could talk. She told me she had recently lost her job and that in a week she
would have nowhere to stay. I felt a great need to help. So I notified my boss right away, and luckily he
agreed to interview her the next day. As it turned out later, she had enough experience, so he willingly
hired her.
At first, Anna seemed friendly and funny, so she got along with other colleagues with no
problems. Anna, that was her name, mentioned several times that her ex-boyfriend kicked her out of the
apartment due to the ongoing fight. I felt sorry for this poor girl and felt again that I had to help. Taught
by my experience, I called everyone I knew to see if someone had a spare room. Unfortunately,
everything was either too expensive or too far from work.
A few days later Mark as usual came to pick me up from work. That day he looked strangely
excited. “What happened? —tell me, because I am happy looking at you, but for no reason!” —I
asked. While he replied, “Would you move in with me?” —I was shocked and obviously happy. I
thought if I took up his offer, I could rent an apartment for Anna. So, I looked at him and replied, “Yes!”
Asking no question! And so, the next day I shared the news with Anna and told her she didn’t need to
worry anymore.
However, I had the feeling that I had to keep this apartment in case something went wrong with
Mark. Everything happened so fast that I still couldn’t get used to these changes. I left all my belongings
in place since there was no need to take anything with me. My apartment was on my way to work.
Therefore, Mark always dropped me off there in the morning. Everything seemed just perfect this way.

In fear of judgment

We’ve been together for 3 months now and I must admit that it was the most beautiful time I
could imagine since I moved to London. Mark always did his best to make me happy. He always took me
with him to football games and introduced to all his friends. At a later stage, we even planned to buy our
own apartment and move in, in the summer. For the first time in a long time, someone made me forget all
my worries. We both lived through our plans.
And as the Christmas holidays were fast approaching, we both looked forward to it. Like every year, my
boss invited all staff to his place, where we celebrated Christmas Day together. This time I got an
invitation together with Mark since everyone already knew him well. However, something suddenly made
me anxious. I didn’t want him to talk to my boss’s brother, the manager. I warned him, and he promised
to stay by my side all evening.
On the Christmas morning, I was helping Mark’s mother in the kitchen. And when around noon
everything was ready, the entire family sat down at the table and enjoyed the Christmas dinner. It was a
wonderful time. His family was very close to each other, which also made me feel at home.
It was around 8 pm when we were ready for the party. Mark’s father drove us to the boss’s house
and promised to pick us up later at night.
There were about twenty of us in total. Christmas songs played in the background and the table was full
of all sorts of Indian snacks.
The party went really well and happily. It’s been two hours since our arrival and we’ve already
had a few drinks. I was just talking to my boss and his family while Mark went to the bathroom. After
about thirty minutes, worried that he hadn’t returned yet, I went looking for him. The bathroom was
empty, so I went outside where everyone was going for a cigarette. That’s where I found Mark talking to
my boss’s brother (manager). They both seemed to be busy talking. Therefore, I looked at him and
reminded that I was waiting. Then, I went back inside.
After about an hour I went there again, but this time they both disappeared. I tried to call him
many times, but he didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t want anyone to think something was wrong, so I just
continued drinking, pretending everything was fine. There were so many of us. Everyone was busy
talking that they didn’t even notice that these two went missing. Patiently waiting, I finally got drunk.
Telling no one, I left the house, hoping to return to my place. However, I was too drunk to think what I
was doing. Yet, I was more afraid of judgment in case they finally realized my boyfriend had left me
alone.

Sometimes we need to experience a critical moment in order for us to change

I remember that that winter was freezing. However, the amount of alcohol I drank kept me warm
for a while, at least in the beginning. I went to the main road ahead of me. I believed this was the right
way, leading straight to my apartment. Unfortunately, after a while, it turned out that I didn’t know where
I was going. It was around midnight and my phone was dying, only ten percent battery left. I was wearing
a dress and high heels, which I had to take off as I couldn’t walk anymore. I had the worst-case scenario
in my head, so I was crying all the way. I continued walking for about an hour. The wind froze my nose
and hands, not to mention the feet. I couldn’t cry anymore. Exhausted after a long walk, I realized that I
was in the woods. There was no way I could go any further. So I sat down on the side of the road.
It was dark and quiet. I have no seen any car passing by for a while. I’m not sure how long I sat
there, but long enough to realize it might be my last Christmas. Suddenly I started remembering the best
memories I had. I was ready to die that night. There was no chance that anyone could find me in this
forest.
I had the last two percent of my battery when I got a call from my boss’s son. Worried, he asked
when I left and where I was. The reception was poor and I could barely hear him. It was hard to explain
where I was since I wasn’t even sure how I got there. All I saw were the trees, and that’s what I said.
Then my phone went blank.
I couldn’t feel my hands, my body was slowing down and my vision was blurring. I slowly
closed my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. Focusing, I listened to the sound of the snowy
wind blowing in my face. Yet somewhere inside, I had a quiet hope that someone would save me.
Some moments later, I heard someone screaming from afar. — It was Jake (my boss’s younger
son). He wrapped me in a blanket and took me to a warm car. By the time we got to their house, most of
the guests had already left. They took me to another room and when I could speak again; they asked me
what happened and why I left, saying nothing to anyone.
 Crying, I told my boss the entire story. He informed me that his brother and Mark never came
back. It didn’t matter anymore; I had already enough attractions that night. They called Mark’s parents to
pick me up and while waiting we continued our conversation. I will never forget the night he left me
alone without a word.
After returning to Mark’s house, his mother made me a cup of hot chocolate and stayed with me
all night. Speaking frankly, she told me something I didn’t know about him yet. Mark had a nasty cocaine
addiction. His mum apologized that she never mentioned it, but apparently he was clean since we met.
She also told how much he ruined her life and how he destroyed many family events. Crying, she told me
that they did everything they could to help him. They even sent him to rehab for a detox twice. Yet he
was too weak to stop the addiction. It was terrifying and sad to see his mother cry. I stopped feeling sorry
for myself and forgot even what had happened to me before. I had so much empathy for his poor mother
who would do anything for her child. She said to me, “In some ways, you are lucky because you can
just leave him and start over, while I have to be with my son because he has lost his mind and
needs me.” She still believed that below the surface he was a very loving and kind son whom she loved
so much.
That night I slept for maybe an hour or two. She brought me breakfast and said that they
contacted Mark and he is somewhere, probably not even aware of what happened. I took a shower and his
mom dropped me off to my apartment. Thanking her for everything, I said goodbye, knowing that I
would never see her again. I already knew I didn’t want to continue this relationship. Mark’s mother told
me at last, not to waste time and life, hoping that one day he will change. I agreed.

When you think it can’t get any worse

I rang Anna in case she was still asleep, but she didn’t respond. Perhaps it was still early,
however it was my flat and I had to get ready to work. While waiting, I noticed that the window was
open. I looked inside and noticed her with some guy. So, I waited patiently and when they finished, she
finally opened the door to let him out.
She looked surprised to see me outside. “What are you doing here?” — She immediately
asked. I just smiled and told her to let me in. I didn’t expect what will happen next when she said:
“Landlord is coming in about two hours and she would like to talk to you, so great that you are
here”. Then she left me alone and went to the bathroom. I was tired and still shaky after the last night. I
couldn’t get my head together. I was just sitting there and staring at the wall.
Anna came back, and soon after her, the landlord arrived. It surprised me she mentioned nothing before
about the visit. However, I had no energy to deal with anything. I said politely: “Hi, nice to see you”,
she looked me and said: “Anna told me that you weren’t taking good care of my flat, also that you
were organizing some noisy parties here. The neighbors also complained. I want you to leave
this flat immediately. You have a few hours to pack up your stuff and go”. —I’m not sure what
Anna said to her, but she looked furious.
Then she turned to Anna and said: “Thank you for reporting and I hope that now you will take care
of this place. I brought you a new chair, the one I told you about when we spoke last”. Honestly?
I didn’t even have the energy to cry anymore. I looked at her and said: “I can’t do it today. I’m going
to work soon. I have no time to pack all my stuff and most importantly, no place to go”. I felt so
powerless at that moment that I didn’t even want to ask for an explanation. All I knew was that I haven’t
done anything wrong and that I didn’t deserve it after all I have done for this girl. They both were chatting
like old friends and at the end agreed for me to stay two more nights, so I could at least find a room and
move.
I haven’t yet accepted what happened last night, but after losing my flat, it couldn’t get any
worse. I already had a terrible migraine. But even worse, that day I had a shift at work with the manager,
who was parting all night with my ex-boyfriend. I felt anger, disgust, and fury, and yet I had to keep
everything to myself.

Be Strong and Never Lose Hope

The day at work was terribly busy, so I could barely see the manager. He was hiding in the office,
explaining that he was not feeling well. Honestly, I didn’t want to see his face after last night.
Fortunately, the work drew my attention and didn’t allow me to even think for a moment about what had
happened.
Sometime later, when he finally came upstairs, he pretended that everything was under control. I was sick
of him, this job and the clients. I waited impatiently for this day to end. Worse, though, I had to go back
to a place that was no longer mine.
Luckily, I spoke to my boss and told him about the situation at home. Terribly upset, he
immediately called some of his friends to check if anyone had a spare room for rent. Soon after, he came
back to me with good news. His friend, from whom I rented a room earlier, had a single room available.
The same house I talked about in chapter four. ‘It lifted the weight from my heart’.
I didn’t speak to Anna that night. I didn’t even want to ask why she did what she did. I noticed
some time before that she was jealous of the life I was living. She liked Mark, the people I used to hang
out with; she was jealous of customers who liked me at work, and that I had everything I needed.
I worked ridiculously hard through tears and sweats to get where I was. However, when I met her, she
had nothing, and yet I didn’t judge her. Instead, I helped as much as I could, because I cared. Thus, I
didn’t want to argue with anyone, nor I even desired to hurt anyone. I rather preferred to give up and let it
go. I didn’t see any point in discussing with her anything. I accepted and adapted to new circumstance,
hoping that it is all for my highest good.
The next day I started early in the morning packing my belongings, so by the afternoon, I could
be all ready and done. Thankfully, one of my friends was available and happy to help me move. Together
we fit in all at one go. For some reason, I already felt better and excited for a fresh change.

Breaking point

At work, I tried to avoid any interaction with the manager. I only communicated with him on
work-related matters. We both pretended everything was exactly as before. Being surrounded by people
who were completely unconcerned about anyone’s interests was devastating. Nobody ever sincerely
asked how I was doing. I didn’t even have a single loyal person to talk to. Each day was a struggle; I had
to deal with a lack of honesty and loyalty, envy, lust, greed, addictions, anger, complaints, and still try to
stay strong and positive.
The summer was slowly approaching. My boss, with his wife went on a holiday and left me with
his brother who didn’t care about the business. Instead, he was always sitting with his mates and either
taking drugs or drinking. Usually, I ignored his nasty behavior. However, one day he pushed my
boundaries to the point that I took my stuff and left in the middle of the service.
He was hangover as usual and complained about non-important things. And then he left me alone to deal
with customers, bookings, and kitchen service. We were always short of staff since people didn’t want to
work there. Therefore, the number of responsibilities was horrendous. I looked around and asked myself
if that was all I deserved, then once he came back, I took my staff and left, saying that it was my last shift.
The only thing I owe to this place is teaching me to work hard and multitask.
I took a month break to recover from the past two years of unpleasant experiences. Many times,
they tried to convince me to come back to work, but it was already too late. I had enough. I wasn’t sure
how much longer I could hold in the pain and hurt, before I explode.

Out of kindness

All this time I was in touch with Sylvia who was the only person available. And while I couldn't
count on any help from her, at least I didn't feel lonely.
Obsessed with her external appearance, she used to spend around two-three hours doing her
makeup only. Then she used to take another few hours to dress up. This way she just couldn’t find any
suitable job because she was always late.
I believe that Sylvia had deep personal issues; however, she never spoke about it. She would
rather prefer to focus on the external and suppress any feelings. Sylvia many times complained about a
lack of money to pay the bills, and yet you could often see her buying new clothes, makeup, or paying for
another treatment.
Until the day when her situation got serious, she got final reminding letter from gas and Water
Company to pay the bills, otherwise, they will cut off the supply. With no judgment, I simply felt
compassion and a need to help her deal with a situation. We discussed about the situation already a few
times living together since she had quite a spacious flat. Thus, I offered her to move in and pay half price.
The same day I packed all my stuff and was ready to move.

Being empathetic can often lead to self-sacrifice

In the beginning, everything seemed to be good. I was going through some changes and it felt
refreshing. I quickly found a job in Central London. It was a lovely restaurant near Tower Bridge. This
time I worked only behind the bar. However, the shift at work was around ten hours with a break of two
in the mid- afternoon. I had to travel another one/two hours each time. This way my days were always
long and tiring.
I noticed that Sylvia never cleaned the house, neither cook. She was very self-centered, selfish,
appreciated nobody’s deeds and intentions. Addicted to men’s attention, she often dated men, seeking
approval of her worth in them. The more times she changed the partner, the more it convinced me that she
was more like a prostitute.
A few months later, I also discovered that she never paid the bills when they finally cut off the
gas in the middle of winter. While she was visiting her family, I had to sleep in a cold apartment, shower
in the freezing water, and after all, go to work.
She always had an excuse to pay for something else, but not the gas. It came out that Sylvia
suffered from chronic depression. Yet, she had no greater understanding of her psyche and mental
problems. She wasn’t fully conscious about the things she was doing.
Again, I tried everything possible to get her out of the situation, but nothing seemed to work. I
had enough of my troubles and her situation even more put me down and affected at a deep level that I
also end up being depressed.
We both lacked motivation and energy. Each night I had terrible nightmares, sweats, shakes, and
panic attacks. I was just powerless and unmotivated, and yet I had to go to work. And after work, I only
used to clean the house because she couldn’t take care of anything.
One day, while cleaning, I accidentally noticed the letter from a bailiff asking Sylvia for urgent
action to pay whatever she owned. It had been a week since she received this letter and she got only two
to pay this off, and yet she didn’t even dare to inform me about it. Obviously, she wasn’t able to afford
the payment because she just paid for new hair extensions and lip enlargement. I just had to take
responsibility and try to extend this period since I had no plans for myself. She didn’t speak English well
enough. Thus I had to call the bailiff and ask him to explain what will happen next. I was lucky as the
man was immensely helpful and understanding; he promised to extend the payment period by another
week. The whole situation really put me off. It was extremely overwhelming and exhausting just being
surrounded by her, and yet I still didn’t have any other place to go.

A Sudden Explosion of Suppressed Feelings

Even though I worked always hard, I never had saved money. It was one of my biggest struggles,
which I couldn’t understand. No matter how hard and long I worked, I never had enough.
The situation with Sylvia was getting worse and worse. I couldn’t remain silent any longer. One
day I came back from work and just screamed at her, blaming for being irresponsible, selfish, ignorant,
and reckless. She didn’t even react; her depression made her heart cold and deprived of feelings. I knew
that it was pointless for me to say anything since she never listened. However, devastated, and
heartbroken, I couldn’t control my emotions any longer. The more I tried to suppress, the bigger the
frustration was growing.
She looked at me and just said: “I think you should smoke some cannabis and calm down”.
— This statement got me even more frustrated, but instead of continuing my monolog, I went for a walk.
While walking I was reflecting on my situation and possible options. All I needed was to take
care of myself and improve my health. And when I came back home, I suddenly felt a great need to learn
how to meditate.
The entire evening, I was reading about different techniques and mantras. By my surprise, I could
get into a trance on my first try. Therefore, I practiced every morning and evening and soon realized that I
didn’t need any more cannabis.

Helping Hand from Above

Finally, my mind was calm, my body relaxed, and my soul was at peace. About a month later, I
met my old boss. I hadn’t seen him since I left, from almost a year ago. So, it was nice to catch up and see
how he was doing. He told me about the new restaurant he just bought, offering a job. It was a motel with
a small restaurant in the countryside, near to where I lived. I promised to consider it and let him know in a
few days.
The restaurant in the central London was great but after several months of long travels, it
exhausted me. And although I liked working there very much, I decided to leave. Taking advantage of the
opportunity that I had an unused vacation, I reserved some free time that I could use for the notice period.
And so, three weeks later I said my last goodbye to all the amazing people I worked with.
Later that week, I met my old boss and his wife to discuss working conditions in the new place.
We agreed that I would start in a week. But the even better news was that the motel rooms above the
restaurant were available. Considering my situation with Sylvia, I felt that luck was on my side. It was
one of the happiest days in months.
Later that same day, I started packing my things to be finished before evening. Returning to the
situation with the bailiff, Sylvia had an extended repayment period of one week. However, she decided to
move out because she had no money to pay the debt. I was glad that it was not my problem anymore. The
next morning, I was ready to move out.

It is in our Nature to Serve our Neighbor

And although my kindness was abused many times, I couldn't pass by without helping. But
remember, no matter how good you and your intentions are, you can't help someone if they don't want
you to help them. The more effort you put into trying to help those who don’t appreciate it, the more of
your power you are giving away. What happens when you give your all energy, time, and love to others?
—There is no more left for you.
Don’t confuse kindness with naivety. We are kind, compassionate, loving, and caring by nature.
That’s why many of us have a calling to help their neighbor in need.
Even though I lost many times everything in one moment, I will still risk and try to help again
and again. I suffered so much but I never said the word because I believed that my problems were nothing
compared to others. Instead, I learnt many lessons from these experiences.
Soft and kind hearted people are not fools. They know perfectly well what others have done to
them, and yet they always forgive. They forgive because they have beautiful hearts and nothing will
change that.

Just to Recap

In life, we often repeat the same mistakes, expecting different results. However, I believe that we
all must experience the rock bottom to wake up and make some change for the better. We get comfortable
in uncomfortable situations, only because we fear the unknown, the new, and the change. But life changes
every second, which requires us to flow with the rhythm and keep moving forward. Therefore, we cannot
let ourselves get stuck in the situation for too long since we all have a higher purpose in life. And yet, it
often happens that we get too distracted. Distracted by our senses that keep generating new desires,
stunned by the material world, we fulfill our whims, blindly believing that it will make us happy.
People often think hypocritically that money gives them freedom. So they blindly chase money,
losing control of themselves. Many people reject the idea of making any change, stubbornly sticking to
something that has not served them for a long time. Unfortunately, the longer we wait, the more likely it
is that the fate will force us to change; and often in a drastic way. Why? —By living in a fear of change,
we hold back from progress. Therefore, forced by unexpected life situations, we will eventually have to
change something. And while this may be quite inconvenient at first, it will ultimately prove to be the
best thing that could happen to us.
Many people plan their days, months, lives, and that’s great. But what will you do if the plan
fails? The life is full of surprises. Pleasant or unpleasant, it all depends on us how we adapt to them. It is
our Ego that is responsible for assigning feelings to the situation. My advice is to prepare yourself,
because the course of life can change at any moment unexpectedly, and then you will not be able to
follow your plans.
There is a great saying: “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” — always have plans A, B, and C.
Detach from the attachment to the outcome and just trust that whatever is happening is happening to teach
you a lesson, sometimes in a very harsh way. The strongest individuals will have to pass the most difficult
tests. Life will challenge us until we learn something about ourselves and the circumstances we are at.
Everything happens for a reason, there are no coincidences. Therefore, trust in the process.

Don’t panic when you are facing any difficulty. Instead, reflect and ask yourself: What is that I am
meant to learn from this?

CHAPTER 7
“LIFE IS HAPPENING FOR YOU
NOT TO YOU”

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a point of view, not
necessarily reality” - I. M Kubicka

Appreciate everything you have

My friend and I packed all the things into the car, leaving Sylvia in her mess so she could manage
this time alone. She didn’t look worried or devastated, I would rather say confused and desperate.
Luckily, she had someone to go to, so I didn’t have to worry about what will happen with her.
The restaurant was just ten minutes away, in a beautiful and quiet area near the forest. When we
arrived, my boss’s wife was already waiting with the key. She took me upstairs to show me the room.
Unfortunately, what I saw exceeded my expectations. The place was in the worst condition. The building
alone was old and unused for a while. Therefore, the rooms were dusty and smelly. I asked her to leave
me alone, and once she left, I sat on the bed and cried for a while.
However, the view outside was calming and encouraged me to stay and take good care of my new
‘home’. A few minutes later I was already cleaning the room and planning on shopping to decorate it and
refresh its old look. When I closed my eyes, I could see through my mind’s eye how will look like being
at my new place. Then, I called a good friend of mine and asked if he could help me with the shopping as
I was about to travel to IKEA to get a few things. Although it was unbelievably bad at the beginning, I
still believed that I could transform that place into a brand new and stylish one. So, I did, and at the end of
that day, I turned that room into a cozy and spacious place.

Mother Nature

That year we had a beautiful and hot summer. In the morning, sun’s rays broke through the
window gaps, and the birds were singing, calling me to go out and explore nature. I put my shoes on and
went for a walk. The forest was only a minute away, so I took the first side road, and walked through it,
inspired by the beauty. Nature there was raw and untouched by humans. Trees and flowers flourished,
bringing out a wonderful fragrance spread in the air and carried by the summer breeze. I walked into the
unknown, climbing hills and taking breaks to inhale the freshness of the day. My eyes were wide open,
the heart was beating fast and I could feel the butterflies in the stomach. I was so much in love that I
forgot about the entire world. And then I noticed the sign informing me about the viewpoint. I followed
the path which took me to a wonderful place where I could see the complete city. It became my daily
meditation spot, where I could contemplate and do my writing.

Inspiration breeds Talents

After several weeks, I was already much more stable and grounded. Meditation seemed to work
perfectly. I had no worry, fear, or stress. I had only peace and harmony. I felt inspired, like never before.
I shared my first writings on the social media and by my surprise; I met with a tremendous
interest of strangers who seemed to like my work. Each day I received beautiful messages from people
who expressed their gratitude for positive energy and motivation in my texts. I was unbelievably happy
and far from any trouble. I couldn’t thank God enough for allowing me to be happy after all the storm I
went through in the past few years.
Most of my shifts at work were in the afternoon, so I could wake up early, go for a walk, meditate
in nature, and do my writing. While after work there was time for a gym. The club was open 24 hours, so
in the late evenings, the gym was almost empty. I preferred late hours because I didn’t want to interact
with other people. I felt a great need to isolate from society.
But the time went by, and I already started feeling much stronger and confident in myself since
all the previous struggles faded away. I finally allowed myself to make new friendships and slowly get
back into socializing. Lack of trust was my biggest issue. I used to avoid intimacy in case someone could
hurt me. As I discovered later, it stemmed from my childhood. My parents used to promise things and
never kept the promise due to the circumstances we were at. However, as a child I didn’t understand my
parent’s situation, that’s why the negative feeling stuck in my mind for years. I created and encoded some
belief that I cannot trust anyone, as otherwise I will get disappointed and hurt. Unfortunately, most of us
are not conscious of certain patterns we follow, and that is why we often live a miserable life.

Look after your needs

The job at the restaurant was very calm, with no stress and hurry. Our customers were lovely
people, visiting us almost every day. I found the countryside life helpful and something I needed after my
previous terrible experiences. I didn’t work crazy hours, so this way I could have more time for myself.
And because of that soon I realized that the gym became my new addiction, and I couldn’t stop myself
from having my daily workout done. There were also days when I went twice because of the amount of
energy I had.
Every new person I met, including my old friends, or friendly customers identified me with a fit
sportswoman. And this is how I also felt about myself. I couldn’t complain about my health and vitality.
What’s interesting is that, since I practice meditation, I suddenly gave up on eating meat. I just felt so
connected with animals and nature, and I couldn’t think of eating an animal. Giving up on meat came
rather naturally in my transformational process. It was surprisingly easy to follow. In the process, I
removed all the negative feelings such as anger, frustration, lack of patience, greediness, and more. I
believe we can connect these nasty qualities with eating meat, which is supposed to awaken in you animal
urges. Thus, once I changed my diet, I became more loving, compassionate, and close to the nature.

Never miss a chance, it may not come back

I liked the people I worked with; we were an excellent team. During the service, when the
restaurant was quiet, I often chatted with chefs in the kitchen. Work was just nicer and smoother when we
cooperated. Even when we had private events or karaoke nights, we often joined our customers after the
service. I will never forget the night when one of my workmates invited his cousin to our evening, just to
introduce him to me. I didn’t expect that that night will change my career. His cousin was the owner of
one of London’s Fitness Academies. As I mentioned before, they all knew that I was a fitness freak.
However when I met him, I wasn’t ready to become a personal trainer. At least I thought I wasn’t. The
whole evening, he was trying to convince me, telling me I should try. I couldn’t resist his kindness and
disappoint my colleague who arranged the meeting. That’s why I agreed to meet the next day.
I couldn’t sleep all night, stressing out about the upcoming meeting. I felt as if my English wasn’t
good enough to study. In my mind, I created the entire story of me letting everyone down and being
ashamed of my language abilities. I doubted myself and my abilities, feeling as if I wasn’t good and brave
enough to make such a big step in my life.
Anyway, the next day, I bumped into the colleague who arranged everything. He looked at me and said
not to worry. Then reminded me about the passion I have for fitness, about my skills in working with
people, and lastly about great English without a doubt. This brief chat gave me so much courage and
confidence that instead of being stressed, I rather started to feel excited.
On my way to the meeting, I thought about what I just heard, and I realized that I was the only
person holding me back from moving forward. And it was all the fault of the False Ego that showed up
immediately when I found myself in a difficult situation. I analyzed it over and over again until I got to a
destination.
I arrived a few minutes before time, but Philip was already there, waiting. — Do you know this
moment when you stress over something so much and when you finally must face that situation, person,
or problem, you realize that it wasn’t bad at all?! That was one of these situations.
We had a pleasant chat. Philip explained everything clearly. He also helped me with the application form
and other necessary documents. Convinced and encouraged by him, I was ready to do the right thing for
me. I couldn’t miss this opportunity, knowing how much I loved fitness. It was time for me to step
forward and get out of a comfort zone. This time, I gave myself a chance and followed my dreams.

Nothing will change unless you change yourself

We all have dreams, but unfortunately, we rarely follow them, finding more and more excuses.
We love to talk, but we fear doing. I always had the impression that I had to do something with a higher
purpose, like helping others. And yet, many times I found myself stuck at work, in a relationship, or in the
same pattern instead of following my destiny. But do you really have to ‘burnout’, until you change
something in your life?
The problem is that we fear the unknown. That’s why we often take the easier path and we
remain where we are and who we are. People fear changes, not only because they don’t know what awaits
them around the corner but rather due to the negative self-talk such as doubting yourself, your abilities, or
intelligence. Also, there is a lack of confidence which comes from low self-esteem or unworthiness. If
you don’t realize that everything you say to yourself is just an illusion, you cannot recognize the pattern
you follow repeatedly.
You may change jobs, find new friends, change location, move houses, but know that nothing
changes unless you recognize the pattern. I mentioned in the previous chapters about moving abroad,
learning a new language, and wanting to explore the world, and yet I found myself in the same situation
as before. The cycle was going round repeatedly, regardless of the circumstances. The problem is not the
outside world but the inner world, the one within you. Nothing will change unless you change yourself.

Dedication and Persistence are Essential

I had over two weeks to organize my scheduler, so I could divide time between work and studies.
My biggest priority was completing the course, that’s why I was grateful for flexible working hours,
which also made my studying easier. Even though I had to translate some pages in the workbook, luckily,
I could mostly understand the theory. Fortunately, I already knew Anatomy and Physiology from
previous medical studies, so thankfully the exams went well.
Because the sports environment was still new to me, first I had to learn the terminology to
communicate fluently and clearly with the client. Yet knowing that it is your passion, which is worth the
time and dedication, you will put your whole heart into it because you just love it. That’s why I focused
most of my energy and time on studying and practicing. This way four months later, I completed the
course and became a certified personal trainer.
Although it required a lot of dedication and effort from me, the satisfaction I felt after graduation
was indescribable. I must confess that I was enormously proud of myself, but not because I passed the
exams, but because I went outside the comfort zone and took up the challenge.

Stay Positive and everything will work in your favor

The next step was to find a gym where I could start my new career. Luckily, there were many
offers, so I could be more selective and choose the most suitable one. And as soon as I got the first
satisfying offer, I reduced my hours at the restaurant and focused on building my PT business.
The gym was in the South West London in a friendly area. From the very first day, I liked my
colleagues as well as the members, who turned out to be very polite and committed. This allowed me to
adapt quickly to an unfamiliar environment.
However, the distance between the gym and the restaurant turned out to be too far away. It
bothered especially in the winter months, when I had to deal with many delays. Gym business developed
surprisingly quickly, and soon, I couldn’t continue working in both places. This forced me to make
another big decision and choose between the old and new paths.
For several months, work in the restaurant was much more difficult, since we had a new manager
who was very stubborn and uncompromising. Besides, he was inquisitive and gossipy. The decision was
obvious to me; I was ready to leave the gastronomy for good. Therefore, I asked the restaurant owner to
give me a notice period, while I was looking for a room to rent close to the gym.
Choosing a fresh path was difficult, because nothing was promising, and yet it seemed like the
best decision possible. Only because I was ready for another change, everything seemed to work in my
favor.

Each person we meet brings something of value to our lives

I found a room within a week. It was a three-bedroom flat, 40 minutes’ walk to the gym. The
owner of the apartment was a middle-aged lady who rented rooms just after the daughters moved out. I
must admit that despite the age difference, we liked each other’s company very much. Renia was the best
person for a long conversation and life advice. She often supported me, which gave me a sense of
maternal protection, which I had lacked for years. I called her best relationship adviser since she had
experienced many successful and unsuccessful relationships in her life.
Together we observed and discussed the men and their often terrible behavior towards woman.
Unfortunately, none of us were aware at the time that something trapped us in a cycle of repeating the
same pattern. Therefore we both continually attracted the same type of emotionally unavailable men.
However, soon after this, the lucky day came, and Renia finally met ‘the one’. We both agreed
that it was time for me to move out. There was a single room available only five minutes away from the
gym. I didn’t think twice; I packed my stuff and moved on the same day.

Out of Balance

It was June 2017, when I moved into this small room with a window on the crowded and noisy
main street in the South West. Considering all the changes that had taken place in my life in less than a
year, absorbed by work, I stopped both writing and meditating. Sometime later I noticed that since I gave
up meditation, I became more and more susceptible to all kinds of external factors. I tried to come back to
it many times, but my distracted mind had trouble concentrating. And although I was doing great in my
career, I lacked harmony, balance, and peace of mind. There was no place that I could compare to my old
room with a view of nature. I missed the daily walks to the forest and viewpoint where I sat for hours and
contemplated my life.

Better to have what we need than what we want

I always had people around who watched my steps and criticized every move. And now, when for
the first time since months I have privacy and time for myself, I had to live in the middle of craziness. I
had a strange feeling that my life was going backward instead of moving forwards. Even though I was
physically fit and healthy, something was making me unhappy. My friends from work loved parties,
whereas I couldn’t resist them.
In this way I slowly fell into old habits and started smoking cannabis again. Luckily, I was not
smoking as much as before and thankfully didn’t continue it for a long time. I made friends with one guy
from the gym who fortunately kept me from smoking. Thanks to him, I suddenly stopped, thought more
seriously about developing myself and continuing my education.
After several months of working in that gym, I stopped progressing. Regardless of the area where
I worked, the price for a PT session couldn’t be higher than £40 an hour. Even though I had many clients,
I wasn’t able to afford any side course to upgrade my qualifications. Therefore, I looked for a higher
standard gym where I could develop my skills. Only a week later, I received an invitation to an interview
with one of the top gyms in London. Through my experience, I can tell you here and now that dreams do
come true.
Yet before I even began my fitness journey, I remember Sylvia telling me about her colleague
who worked in that gym and how prosperous she was. I looked at her and said: “I don’t know what
position I will do, but one day I will work in this gym too”. So, receiving an email from them was
like winning the lottery. At least it felt like it.
Someone very disorganized arranged my interview on a day when it was happening, and just a
few hours after the phone call I had to be ready for a fitness assessment. Yet, knowing my determination
and willingness, I went there without preparation. Trusting that I’ll get the position, I passed all three
stages of the interview and got the position.
As we all know, every new beginning is hard and requires a lot of dedication and patience. This
time, I had to follow their conditions since they employed me. The gym was in the Central London, about
an hour away from home. If I only knew beforehand what I put myself into. Even though I had a contract,
I still had to build my business as if I was self-employed.
After about three months, we had an exchange in management. Sadly, I had a feeling that our new
Fitness Coach didn’t like me. She hardly helped me with the business, often making me question my
knowledge and abilities instead of helping to upgrade my skills.
We often disagreed with each other, which made my job even more challenging and unpleasant. I
struggled so much during my first year in the company. The vision and expectations I had for that place
were far from reality. I felt extremely uncomfortable asking for help, and the worst thing is that I started
to doubt not only my abilities but also myself. I was desperate for money, that’s why I had to take every
opportunity to develop my business. Therefore, my first client was at 6:30 am and the last one at 8,
sometimes at 9 pm. It took me almost a year to stabilize my business and make some decent money. But
even then, I was still stressed about hitting my monthly targets and making sure that I maintain my
clients. Honestly, I very much disliked all the conditions and payment system, but after all the hard work I
put to stabilize my position, I couldn’t simply leave. Instead, I watched other personal trainers come and
go. I didn’t even want to think about the exhaustion and time wasted between the clients, since it wasn’t
worthy to travel back home on my breaks.
During my first two years in the company, we had only one Fitness event organized for staff from
every UK club. This is how I realized that all my hopes and dreams of progress were unlikely to happen. I
then decided to educate myself alone. I've read more books on types of training, diets, and basic nutrients.
I even changed my training routine and added weights so I could also train male clients. I was so
absorbed that I didn't notice when I developed a more masculine energy. They say you become who you
surround yourself with. And since I was mostly surrounded by men, I acted the same way. My colleagues
used to joke when they said that I lift heavier weights than most of our male members.
In my early childhood, I encoded in my subconscious mind that I need to achieve more than I can
imagine. That’s why I pushed myself many times through pain and tears, regardless of my physical
condition. I even started thinking about taking part in fitness competitions, even though I didn’t enjoy
competing with others.
Back in school, my father often used to say: "if you want to achieve something, you have to
work hard for it," and that's what I did. However, as time went on, I became more and more tired. Long
working hours and chasing money have never brought satisfactory results. The more I had, the more I
wanted and so endlessly. Many times I cursed the day I heard and encoded his words.

To improve the body, you must first work your mind

The more time I spent with my clients, the more I could understand their genuine feelings. After a
while of close observation and many physical and mental assessments, I noticed that most of them needed
mental support.
Many struggled with getting results because of their mental disruption. Often overloaded with
work and stressed about hitting targets and deadlines, just like me. Since I could resonate with their
feeling, I felt obliged to help them resolve their problems. However, this time my intuition guided me into
slightly different subjects. I wanted to understand how their psyche works and how can one fix himself to
accept and love the person who he is without any change in appearance.
I concluded that working on the body can only release the stress temporarily. I also realized that
changing body shape will not change the way we perceive ourselves. When we are mentally tired,
training only worsens our health, causing damage to the body cells that are already regenerating badly
because of the stress.
Therefore, I had to look much deeper and try to find the root cause of an individual’s problem to heal his
old wounds and unblock the path to progression.
Our training sessions became more like a therapy sessions. During and after training we were
discussing all past events that could cause a lack of progression. I knew it wasn’t my responsibility to
solve their personal issues. And yet, I wanted to know what was causing the imbalance and keeping them
from growing.
In this way, my relationships with clients were unique and our training sessions much more
comprehensive. I thoroughly studied each person to feel their “deficiencies”, pain and needs, at the same
time examining their behavior and the psyche.

Learn to read the signs

When I say life is happening for you, not to you, I mean you know that you are on the right path.
Regardless of what you do at the current moment, the life force will support you at every step. For some
time, I was getting many signs telling me that working at the gym was just the next step bringing me
closer to my true destiny.
I believe every person put in my way was a part of the arrangement. Over time, I got to know
many writers, journalists, or just an ordinary person who challenged me with his unusual questions.
One specific client appeared out of nowhere to change completely my view of the future. This
mysterious person booked only two sessions with me. More interestingly, I had the impression that he
didn’t come to work out, but to teach me something. In one of our sessions, he spontaneously asked me
what my plan for the future was and why I worked at the gym. Then told me I should do something more
extraordinary. And I couldn’t disagree; I felt that he was right.
Soon after, he disappeared and left me thinking a lot deeper about myself and the future.
Unexpectedly, I got interested in spirituality, astrology and something much deeper, like the purpose of
my existence. Therefore, I bought many books on various topics. However, I had the impression that in
some sense I could connect them all. The choice of books wasn’t accidental. It was very specific and
necessary information that I needed to know.
In my journey, I felt guided by some invisible beings who supported me by sending essential
help. For example, every time I watched something on the internet, I saw another important sign telling
me what to read or watch. This also helped me in the process of spiritual awakening.

Don’t be afraid to face the past

Suddenly I felt a great need to spend some time on my own. I had difficulty listening to someone
and concentrating. The work has become extremely difficult and exhausting. However, the total number
of clients I had was too high and I couldn't afford to go on vacation.
It was October 2018 when I started my counseling course. The reason for it was the need to better
understand myself and others. Instead of seeking help from others, I found a solution by enrolling in the
course. Due to work obligations, I studied part time. In this way, I could continue my personal trainer job.
The beginning of the course was exciting. Especially when, layer by layer all the feelings, fears
and traumas that were suppressed over the years appeared. I could finally understand a lot of things about
my behavior.
Unfortunately, shortly before Christmas when we were discussing the childhood, some memories
made me feel uncomfortable and overwhelming. Yet, this time there was no way out. It forced me to face
my shadows and deal with whatever I was running away from.
It was a very unpleasant experience. I cried in front of my group, while talking about things I
couldn’t understand about my past. Even worse, a few days later I felt a pain in my neck, lower back, and
abdominal. The pain was sharp, sudden, and hard to deal with. I tried every possible way to stop the pain,
but there seemed to be no cure for it.
The doctor sent me for all kinds of examinations, including gastroscopy, but to our surprise, all
tests came back negative. I was healthy, but for some unknown reason not able to function. I had a week
cut out of my life; I didn’t sleep, didn’t exercise, and ate little, just enough to get out of bed and go to
work. After an entire week, exhausted, I stopped fighting the symptoms and just accepted the pain.
I have always been a rather agile and flexible person. I loved to have many responsibilities during
the day. But this time life gave me a hard time and took away all the energy and strength, so I couldn’t
deal with anything. For the first time, I felt burned out by the amount of work and responsibilities. It was
difficult to hide it from clients, and yet I had to pretend that I had everything under control.
Studying my past turned out to be very overwhelming and painful. Both work and university
affected my mental health and led me to anxiety and depression. Finally, it forced me, to take a three-
week vacation to face everything brought to the surface.

We learn the most in the toughest moments

 I still had trouble expressing my feelings. However, since I opened up and told my story, I felt
something was slowly unlocking in me. These three weeks away from work and people gave me enough
time for deep reflection, which resulted in many insights.
One thing was sure; I didn’t want to come back to work. I developed a terrible anxiety which led
me to uncontrolled panic attacks. For a long time, I thought I was confident and ready for any risk, and
yet this period showed me that confidence was only one of the masks I had worn for years. I realized that
it was a form of defense in the fight for survival.
After a long break, I finally managed to focus on meditation. I could sense that something was
changing in me, both physically and mentally. I discovered that I was very susceptible to learning. I
absorbed knowledge like never. During this period, I read many books on brain development and human
psychology. But surprisingly, none of the books on health and psychology could fully explain what I was
going through.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know anyone who could help me understand what was happening with
me. I thought the only thing left was to pray and ask higher powers for clarity. I always believed in God,
but for some reason, my relationship wasn’t as deep as I wanted it to be. I used to go to church every
Sunday. I even read and studied the Bible. However, when I couldn’t find the answer to my questions, I
often put it off and stopped attending masses.
But this time I felt as if the answers were coming to me. While watching documents about
spirituality, I received many signs and directions. My intuition took over and since then nothing seemed
random anymore.
The Christmas break was slowly ending. A few days before returning to work, I arranged a
meeting with the manager. I could no longer hide how I felt, especially knowing that I had to return to a
stressful, unhealthy environment. I wasn’t sure about her reaction. However, I felt obliged to inform her
about my health issues. By my surprise, being honest and open about very intimate struggles gave me an
immense relief. I didn’t expect that my confession would lead to reconciliation between us.

Just to Recap

The longer you try to suppress your feelings, the more you influence your mental health. You can
pretend for years that everything is great with you, but know that you are not fooling others, but only
yourself. From an early age, family and society conditioned us in many aspects. We were told how to
behave to not to face criticism that can damage our and family’s reputation. That’s why people are afraid
to reveal their true face for fear of disapproval of society. Perhaps many of you don’t even know your
nature because of the circumstances in which you grew up. However, we should all give ourselves one
more chance and this time, when we are more mature and experienced, we should try to listen to the inner
voice to discover the true self.
 In life, we should understand that sometimes it is better to know nothing, like to know a bunch of
crap (incorrect information). That’s why I want you to understand that if you could learn and memorize
certain things, you can also unlearn and forget what no longer serves you in life.
I don’t follow any statistics, which is why I will express my opinion based on my experience and
observation. I believe that 90% of humanity is unaware of the true purpose of our existence. Our
population blindly believes that our goal is to work hard, earn a lot of money to meet our desires, and
enjoy life fully as long as we are healthy. Then we age and we are more susceptible to all kinds of
diseases, and therefore we live in fear of the upcoming death. And when death comes, we die, and this is
the end of our existence, that’s how modern society thinks.
If you believe that life doesn’t have a deeper meaning, it doesn’t surprise me that the majority of
the population gets sick, suffer, and constantly complain. If you only wanted to work on yourself and let
your mind unlearn everything you have ever encoded, you could turn your life into a life of value and
meaning. Only then, you could realize that life is happening for you, not to you.

Exercise 6
Consider this question:
1. What does my life mean to me?
 CHAPTER 8
“LIFE IS NOT ABOUT COMFORT
A N D S TA G N AT I O N . L I F E I S
A B O U T C O N S TA N T E V O L U T I O N ”
“Time to play was in childhood. With age and experience, we should learn to take responsibility
for our actions. Therefore, let us make our actions speak louder than our thoughts and spoken
words. We can still be playful while being responsible” - I. M Kubicka

Don’t judge a book by its cover

My relationship with the manager has improved since our last open and honest conversation. I
still cannot believe that we have been avoiding each other at work for over a year.
It was then that I understood that honest conversation was, in a sense, exposing myself to
someone. Yet, my life situation forced me to open and share something very intimate. Where, a few
months before this event, I thought she would be the last person I would go to for advice. However, we
were both very wrong in our assessment. We gave opinions without giving ourselves a chance to get to
know each other better. We both had a problem with trust, so we chose to run away from the problem
instead of solving it. Today I know that judging someone by their actions is not the smartest. However, if
you do this, know that it is always possible to fix your relationship with others and give it a second
chance.

Being helpful builds our strength

It was January 2019. I reduced the number of sessions I performed per week. Although I returned
to work with joy, I still didn’t feel completely recovered. It was really hard to pretend that everything was
fine while going through an emotional breakdown. I usually motivated others with my enthusiastic
approach to life. And now it seemed like a challenge. However, I was lucky enough to have such great
customers. Their kindness and desire to see me helped me quickly recharge my batteries and regain my
strength. Knowing that there are people who count on me, I couldn’t afford to stay in this mode any
longer.
Caring for others is a very responsible job that requires commitment and often sacrifices. I have
always put the good of others above my own. This is my nature; I just like to see people grow. Being
useful and able to help others develop is a blessing. Therefore, I had to overcome my struggles and
strengthen myself through my experiences.
And although I enjoyed every session with each individual, I felt it was time for me to take the
next challenge and make another step towards the future. Many people say that to be great at something,
you need many years of experience in this particular profession. And yet I felt that I knew everything I
needed to know about the human body. Besides, I realized that many may never be able to change their
body shape due to their mental state and stressful lifestyle.
I motivated myself to devote more time to studying the human psyche. Even though I have been
conducting my research for many years, I always learn something new. My intuition told me I was about
to find the perfect solution for everyone.

Another certificate won’t change who you are

For many years I have been observing people working hard to meet all the requirements and
ensure family safety. The pressure exerted by the environment and excessive expectations are only some
factors contributing to health problems. We learned to live a life opposite to our true nature, which also
developed in us a fear of the unknown and the new. People think college paper is the next step to
expanding their careers. Looking at their lifestyle apart from the higher standard and senior position, their
knowledge of their nature and life purpose is a topic still unknown.
I have always wondered how people can work in the same company for 10, 20, or 30 and more
years?! Even if you get promoted and change position, office, or the team you work with, your spiritual
development remains unchanged. A higher position means more responsibilities and therefore more
stress. An additional dose of stress will build an even greater internal conflict. Every day, month, or year
you will keep repeating the same pattern. And although at the beginning everything resembles a kind of
success, sooner or later your emotions will go away and you will return to your old self.

Take Risks. Draw Conclusions. Learn from Mistakes.

I had worked there for over two years; so far it has been my record. I had long thought about
changing jobs, which is why I decided that this year will be the last in that company.
The year 2019 was quite a breakthrough in my spiritual development and self-understanding. I
have never felt enlightened before, as I have felt throughout the last year. I understood that life is not
about comfort and stagnation, but a constant change that we should accept naturally. Being in the same
environment, surrounding yourself with the same people, and constantly repeating daily activities, in the
same way, can only give us the same results — lack of development and stagnation.
There is a reason we meet certain people, and there is a reason we face different challenges. I
used to believe that to be successful in life you need to make a plan and follow it until you achieve the
end goal. And yet, every time I planned something, someone came in my way, taking my attention and
diverting it in another direction. In this way, I’ve often strayed from the path I followed. Under the
influence of someone, I changed my direction and focus, just to realize moments later that I created
unnecessary obstacles and delays in my journey. However, it never felt as if I made a mistake, but rather
learned something new about myself through that specific person and situation. I have always come back
to the path richer in experience and with an increased readiness to achieve my goals.
Today, I understand that nothing in life is a distraction. Everything is a part of our journey, and
all this is to help us discover ourselves and teach specific lessons.
You cannot always be prepared fully because life can surprise you in the least expected moment.
It is great to have plans and hope for them to happen, however, we should know that something might not
go the way we expected it to go. Therefore, having no expectations can save us from disappointment. You
can only discover your truth by seeking the answer in every given situation, which means accepting life
the way it is.
For a long time, I ignored the needs of my body and listened blindly to a mind that I could never
satisfy enough. Despite the effort and work I put into the project, the results have never been good
enough. Working with people, I noticed that not only I was struggling with this problem, but most of us.
People often limit themselves to one job for many years in order to succeed. Unfortunately, in
many cases, it turns out that the work they undertook is not the one that works with their nature and will
support their development. It doesn’t matter how hard they work and how much effort they put in.
Eventually, they burnout, and only then they understand that this is not the right place for their growth.
We should ask ourselves: do we really have to waste our precious time and spend it in a place not
intended for us? Probably many of you admit that many times you have thought about introducing a
change in life due to lack of progress or dissatisfaction with the position. And yet the fear of taking the
risk and “the loss of ground underfoot” makes you automatically stay at the same point.
Along with the ever-changing world, our situation also changes. If you don’t decide on any
change despite the discomfort you feel in life, fate will decide for you, and one day you will find yourself
in a deadlock situation.

Don’t try to be someone you’re not

We are all talking about stability in life and self-development, and yet I still have the impression
that not everyone understands the meaning of both terms. Stability doesn’t necessarily mean an account
balance or a position in the society. Stability means having a balance between all aspects of life. On the
other hand, thinking about self-development, I mean discovering myself and cultivating my innate talents
and skills.
I noticed that we often misinterpret the term: self-development with learning new skills towards
self-improvement. This is due to social norms that suggest fashionable or profitable professions or
hobbies. Therefore, when following trends, people often want to become someone they are not by nature,
which unfortunately results in burnout, confusion, and ultimately loss of identity.

Example: If I am a person who is overprotective and cares for others, my job as a lawyer or judge is not a
profession compatible with my nature.

By constantly learning new skills, we automatically ignore our innate abilities, which are often
suppressed and forgotten. To discover our talents, we must try different things. Yet, remembering to listen
to our own needs, not what others dictate. If only we could learn to listen, not ignore our own body
and intuition, we would be able to determine what comes naturally to us.

Just to Recap

By sticking to the same job that contradicts your life purpose, you automatically refrain from
progress. Also, you don’t allow yourself to discover your true potential and talents. By listening to other
people’s advice and following society, you only make external changes, while limiting the possibility of
internal progress and development. Unfortunately, the fear of the unknown makes us convince ourselves
that in the most uncomfortable situation, we feel comfortable. Therefore, events such as promotion to a
higher position, pay rise, or completion of another field of study make us happy and proud of a kind of
success. Know, however, that these are only additions to the values you already have. And to improve
your life, you should know and understand yourself from the inside out.
Don’t limit yourself to one specific group of people, place of work, or activity. For self-discovery
and self-development, you need environmental changes, diverse personalities with different views, and
new experiences. Just as the time passes indefinitely, and with every second something new is born, so
we should trust the process and accept the changes. And continue, until we understand the true meaning
of our existence.
If you allow your intuition to guide you, be sure that your life will transform. You’ll attract
people and events only that will help you climb up and develop spiritually, which is also one of the
fundamental goals. Get out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid of pain or failure, as both are merely
opinions, not facts. Emotions are a fleeting state created in our imagination. They come and go as soon as
we let them. Therefore, if you change your approach to life and allow yourself to have confidence in this
process, your perspective will immediately change and you’ll eventually see and learn valuable life
lessons.
Exercise 7
Ask Yourself the following question:
1. What keeps you from moving forward?

CHAPTER 9
“WE ARE ONE RACE: HUMAN
RACE”
“Everything in life has its origin, cause, and source. Where we are today is the result of our
previous decisions and actions” - I. M Kubicka

Human Greed had led to a Split

I assume that you heard the story about the tower of Babel. The story described in Genesis 11:1-
9, appears to be an attempt to explain the existence of diversity.
 In the beginning, there was only one language and race called: “Human race”. The descendants of
Noah were living around Mesopotamia in Babylon. They settled in a land named Shinar. Because the
population was growing fast, they decided to build a city with a tall tower in the center. This tower was to
be a symbol of the pride and grandeur of their nation. The Babylonians wanted a tower that would “reach
to the heavens” so they could be like God and that they would not need him. Thus, they began to
construct a great ziggurat.
God didn’t like the pride and arrogance in the hearts of this nation. Therefore, the Lord caused the
people to speak different languages so they couldn’t communicate and work together to finish the tower.
This caused the people to scatter across the land. They named the tower “The Tower of Babel” because
the word Babel means confusion. This story is a powerful reminder of how important it is to obey God’s
Word and not think we can build a successful but godless life on our own!

It is People who create Conflicts

Over time, each group developed its own culture and traditions. In genetic separation, certain
physical characteristics have become more pronounced in each group. However, someone has wrongly
defined these ethical traits as a different race.
The best example that can illustrate this is even the color of the skin. Depending on what part of
the world one landed, to survive his body, one had to adapt to the conditions. As we know, the pigment
responsible for skin tone is called melatonin. However, you should know that we all have the same skin
color, we only differ in shades.
There are two types of melatonin: Eumelanin (from brown to black) and Pheomelanin (from red
to yellow) and it is their proportion differences that determine the skin tone. So, those who lived closer to
the equator adopted a dark skin that is supposed to protect them from intense sunlight and prevent skin
cancer. In turn, people in regions far from the equator where the sunlight is less intense adopted a light
skin to efficiently produce vitamin D.
However, we were, and we are one race, “Human Race” regardless of the color of the skin or the
language we communicate. And although physically separated, energetically, we remain connected.
That’s why people being curious about different cultures which traveled the world to discover the
unknown. And thanks to the economic development, we could develop education and learn a second
language to communicate with foreigners.
Unfortunately, since time is immemorial as humanity, we developed terribly ugly personality
traits, like envy, lust, anger, greediness, and more. And although we had the power to rule the country and
create the life we want; people were still envious of God and wanted to rule the world. That’s why
humanity fought against other nations to occupy and enlarge their territory.
After being separated from one another, we still had a free will to move to other countries and
learn the language so we could reconnect with our brothers and sisters. Still, we remained greedy and
envious. Therefore, from generation to generation we are taught to strengthen the only terrible traits in us,
we fought for material gain and power. In this way human beings separated from other nations, seeing
only differences and not similarities.
Exotic countries were rich in various natural sources of material goods. You could also find many
physically powerful men there who worked hard to get them out. However, their education was behind.
Therefore, greedy and cunning businesspeople from other countries abused their weakness and enslaved
them, forcing to work hard, and robbing their goods.
Even greedier and hungrier for power, people from the European countries fought against each
other to conquer the territory. Millions of innocent people lost their lives in a battle for their state and the
possibility of existence like any other person on earth. Ruining many cites.

Repeating Pattern

And although I know the world’s history, because of my Polish origin, I would like to share an
example of my country.

During the Second World War, Poland suffered the largest biological and material losses
concerning the number of inhabitants in the countries of the anti-Hitler coalition. 6 million, 28 thousand
Polish citizens lost their lives, while material losses were estimated at approximately $48 688.9 billion
according to calculations from 1938. Poland also suffered great losses in terms of culture, education, and
science.
After many years of fighting for independence, the Polish country regained its freedom.
Unfortunately, the pain of this tragedy remained in the hearts of the Poles, who survived. The history
passed down from generation to generation has left in the hearts of the people hatred for what is foreign.
We were not taught in school about other cultures and the great things they offer. Instead, we
were taught about the pain and suffering that our ancestors experienced, arousing the same emotions in
our hearts.
For many years, Poland was one of the few countries to which immigrants didn’t migrate due to
the past events. As I also suppose, this was one of many reasons for the formation of a limited way of
perceiving other nationalities.
The political teaching of acquiring a patrician love for the country turned its attention away from
what was foreign. Another fact attributed to my nationality is an odorously imposed on us Catholicism
which, instead of being a free choice of man, became his compulsion, which also blocked people’s hearts
to accept a different faith and traditions.
During my psychotherapy course, we discussed cultural differences and the concept of racism.
When asked about my view I didn’t have to think about an example for a long time. Most of the people
living in Poland are racist and they talk about it openly. And yet I am convinced that they don’t feel that
way, they just don’t understand the root cause of it and its origin.
I’m still surprised by the rather atypical combination of a Pole as a Catholic who was also a racist
at the same time. However, it all now makes sense. Observing the continuing dispute between political
parties, a person might get lost in the sense of both concepts. The Polish country has always been
governed by political and religious power. People were dictated on what to do and what not to do. What
to say and what not to say. People “have, but they do not have” the freedom of speech and the choice.
Growing up in a country full of hatred and jealousy was difficult. According to my background,
Poles are not aware that politics in the country have never really changed. This has a significant impact on
the society, which has a rather limited way of thinking. Reaching my roots and observing the way of
raising children in a Polish family, I must admit that for many years parents imposed their will on us and
the child had no right to decide. Today I understand that this despotic method of education contributed to
my self-discipline and problem with high demands.
Knowing the situation in my country, can you see any similarities based on your own story and
the history of the country you come from? What is the situation in your country now, and how did it once
look like? What stories did your ancestors tell you? What feelings were born in your heart while
listening? Do you hate what is foreign to you? Are you sure these are your genuine feelings and not your
ancestors who suffered? — I encourage you to ask yourself these questions.

Hidden Racism

In school, I used to arouse controversy in people opposing the imposed rules because I was of a
different opinion. That’s why after graduation, I moved to London, where I expected to meet people’s
openness and acceptance.
I must admit that until I touched about identifying myself, I wasn’t aware of who I was since I
had to listen to the elders. I wanted society to accept me. Therefore, instead of being myself, I let the
environment influence me and make me someone else. Probably that’s why I didn’t react to jokes about
Poles who like to drink alcohol.
Living in a multicultural country because of its diversity can be a relief, but there is also suffering
due to the differences in beliefs among the people in the society. However, emotions and desires often
take control over us. That’s a reason people talk openly about their denominations, sexual orientation, or
follow family traditions.
Looking from the perspective of six years spent in England, I can say that in most cases we are
confronted with hidden racism. It is conscious or unconscious communication between people. However,
since we are all intellectually gifted beings, we should treat each other equally and justly.
 Yet, the years went by and although we have evolved, we can still see that our bad habits,
traditions, patterns, and way of ruling the world haven’t changed. We are still living in the past, which is
why we pass on from generation to generation our feelings related to the tragic past of our ancestors.
These stories automatically instilled in us hatred and envy towards other nations.

Brainwashing

Since the Second World War, the world has developed significantly, so in current times we don’t
need weapons to kill each other. All we must do is to watch the news and listen to another brainwashing
TV program to give away our power. We call it TV programming for a reason, since it programs us on
what to eat, dress, do, say, and what not to say. Finally, it also tells us what is best for us and so, it decides
for us. The worst is that we are not even aware of it.
On creating a pandemic or arousing a sense of racism, we were first forced to isolate from each
other, then to fight against one another.
People die every day, regardless of their skin color. These are the laws of nature whether you agree or
not. Yes, there are criminals in the word, but again it can be anyone. There are no criteria and specific
features assigned to it. Media and the power-hungry people know perfectly how to manipulate the society
will use social media platforms to provoke us to fight against our brothers and sisters by publicizing and
showing something that will awaken anger or fear in us. They arouse hatred and distrust of others, so this
way we will disconnect from one another.
They prepared us for a “new world” in which technology is supposed to replace human beings.
They know how our mind works, and that we follow certain patterns encoded in our subconscious. The
more routine-oriented your life is, the more likely you are to absorb any external commands. The reason
for this is the autopilot mode, in which you work most of the time. It means that you do everything
automatically, with little effort, as you have it trained.
When the situation requires specific skills from you, you recall them from your subconscious
mind in which the memory is stored.
For example, you know how to eat and watch television, that’s why you can do both activities at the
same time. Everything you once learned; you don’t have to think anymore how to do it, so you can do it
automatically. That’s why when you operate in an autopilot mode, you don’t use the full potential of the
brain, but rather stop developing. Which means that you become “blind and deaf” to what is real and what
is not. You just believe what you see and hear.
Now, if your ancestors have given you and your family members certain traditions and beliefs,
even if they have not directly affected you, you will continue to reproduce the same emotions based on
what you have heard. We cannot predict the situation in which we may find ourselves, as well as what
fate brings us. Therefore we cannot determine our reaction. However, be aware that any decision,
behavior, or feelings associated with the situation will result from influence of all that is encoded in your
subconscious mind. This includes family belief, media, politics, or religion.

We need one another

We are all looking for happiness and fulfillment in life. Therefore, to survive, we must live in
harmony with others and communicate efficiently with them. We must work together and support each
other. But to understand others, we must first understand ourselves. The essence of life is to understand
our own nature, and to do this, you must turn inside, and ask yourself: What my true beliefs are and who I
really am?

Abandoned Values in the name of Selfishness

One of the biblical commandments of love proclaims: “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew
22:35-40); but unfortunately, today it turned into “Love thyself” and a friend is rather a fictional
character, called only when needed.
We have become very selective in choosing friends, counting on our own benefits. We want to
surround ourselves with people who bring value to our lives and at the same time are taking nothing away
from us. We support political parties that will give us benefits, which is why we only close ourselves to
the environment of people who share the same views, while we avoid people with different views. We
assess ourselves based on the appearance and behavior; based on a virtual world full of lies, fiction, and
hypocrisy. We have forgotten the most important values which are love, compassion, kindness, and
integrity only because we are too busy chasing fame, money, or recognition. We do this since we are
controlled by the need to constantly satisfy our senses and material desires.
Friendships teach us to interact with other people, to understand their needs and the way of
thinking. This will also help us in self-realization. However, our ambitions and self-admiration is so
overwhelming that we cannot easily build strong ties with the other person. Consciously or
unconsciously, we pretend to be someone else by pleasing others for acceptance. Consequently, this
creates an internal conflict that prevents us from remaining true to ourselves and blocks us from opening
ourselves to others.
Those who don’t want to see unity in us will only see the external differences such as gender,
age, or skin color, to more complex ones related to our sexuality, social class, physical abilities, ethnicity,
beliefs, political denominations, culture, and its traditions or religion.
In relation to everyday life, we encounter diversity in the society, both at work, school, public
transport, or simply on the streets. A thinking man, however, adapted the idea of expressing opinions;
modeling on assigning often inappropriate labels to people he doesn’t know.
 Sadly, often guided by external appearances, we decide whether we are interested in getting to
know someone or not. Those feelings born in our minds at the beginning rarely change, so we don’t even
give others a chance to open and reveal their true nature.

So where did we originally form an opinion about the other person?

We are One

I can no longer watch my brothers and sisters fighting against each other. God gave us a place
where we were to build a beautiful world that would help us free ourselves from the mistakes made by
our ancestors. Stop looking at differences. There is no Black and White! We are One Race and we should
stand up for each other.
Life is not about you or what you get and what you achieve. God gave you a free choice, either
you will become a better person and correct all your previous mistakes, or you will remain who you
always have been, will die and be reborn again, living in suffering. Everything that happens around us is a
challenge and a test for us, whether we deserve the grace and goodness of the Lord or not. So, you should
better stop watching meaningless TV programs and get out there and unite with your neighbors.
You see what you want to see, and you feel what you want to feel. You are the co-creator of your
reality. You get what you want, either negative or positive, so be careful what you wish for.
Forgive the past, you are not a victim. Once again life is not about you! Focus on here and now.
Release what doesn’t belong to you! Don’t teach your children negative things about other nations and
leave past in the past. We don’t need any protests to get validation from each other. We must awake to the
truth and break the cycle of repeating the same pattern generation after generation. We need to unite and
spread more love, compassion, and kindness towards one another. Listen to your inner voice and trust in
God because he wants us to be one and come back where we all belong.
Purify your heart from greed, anger, lust, envy, and fill it with unconditional love. Only God has
the power, and there is no human being who can replace him!
There is no me, you, or them – but we/us! We come from the same source! We are one! Be the
best example to others and become pure love!

Exercise 8
Share your love and light!
 CHAPTER 10
“ S P I R I T U A L D E T O X I F I C AT I O N ”
“Honor your body, it’s a sacred temple of your soul.”
-Martina Tasevska

Food Intolerance
 Something was changing in me. Something strange was happening to my body. Often, I felt quite
an unusual flow of energy that vibrated in my body, especially in the evening during my meditation. It
was something I had never experienced before. I had trouble falling asleep, and when I finally fell asleep,
something woke me up in the middle of the night, always at the same time.
Suddenly I lost appetite, and my weight jumped up and down, even though I ate little. However,
when the appetite returned, I had quite unusual cravings. And when I found something suitable, I could
eat the same meal for several weeks. I haven’t eaten processed food, sugar, flour, and only ate
sporadically dairy products for many years; I also removed fish, meat, and eggs from my diet. And yet, I
still had problems with the esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Oddly enough, all the tests showed that I
was completely healthy. Yet the sensations in the body indicated something different. I had an
exceedingly long period of intolerance to virtually everything I swallowed. I suffered from very painful
bloating and intestinal cramps. Therefore, the level of my energy depended on the day. I never knew what
to expect for the next day, which also complicated my life, since I couldn’t plan anything. One morning I
woke up exhausted and the other one ready to “move mountains”. On the top of everything, I was going
through an emotional roller coaster. I cannot describe this period with one word, because it was a period
of mixed joy, bliss, and happiness along with unhappiness, pain, and exhaustion.

Medical advice isn’t always the Solution

I consider myself a very social person. Thus, living in isolation for a long period and being unable
to share what I was going through was a torment after a while. That’s why I decided to seek medical
advice.
Following the doctor’s instructions, I underwent several different tests. All symptoms pointed to a kind of
nervous breakdown or depression. Therefore, we decided that it would be best for me to join a group and
personal therapy.
As it turned out later, the therapy was a great escape from everyday life, but unfortunately, it wasn’t a
long-term solution to my problem. During the group therapy, I was always active and interested in what
others would share. I noticed that every time someone shared their problem, I was the first to have an
immediate solution for them. On the other hand, the personal session was rather a dialogue, a
conversation with a buddy about life and its challenges. Therefore, as soon as I completed all the sessions,
I relied on myself and trusted that through meditation, I will find all the answers. I was too desperate to
let others experiment with different drugs on me, guessing what was wrong. For some time, I had been
much more sensitive to any kind of drugs. That’s why I was against taking any.

Incorrect Diagnosis

Self-isolation helped me a lot in the process of self-discovery, allowing me to focus on self-

analysis and understanding. I also regained concentration, so I could absorb more information while
studying.
Yet, too long isolation prevented me from healing, which we can only achieve through interaction with
others. It is best if it is an experienced and trusted person. This person should be able to listen and
understand your situation without judgment.
I realized that the therapist wasn’t the right person for me since psychology deals only with
psychic-centered knowledge. In my case, the problem concerned the spiritual sphere. It was something
unusual and difficult to describe and understand by others.
Unfortunately, medicine doesn’t study the spiritual sphere. Therefore, they often misdiagnose
patients, associating symptoms with mental problems. Doctors prescribe pills to relieve pain while
masking the causes. I don’t doubt human intelligence and abilities, but I don’t fully trust and believe in
conventional medicine. I wanted to be sober and fully aware of what was happening with me. This was
the only way to self-healing.

Listen to your Body not your Mind

I felt as if my soul was breaking through all the toxic layers that make my physical body, begging
for freedom and care. I never considered the soul to be the cause of all this chaos. And so, my inner
struggle between mind and soul began. The mind told me to exercise despite the pain, which supposed to
make me feel better as it used to be. Yet, the body indicated otherwise; I was sore and exhausted. On the
other hand, the soul was begging to relax and meditate.
Unfortunately, I was used to listening to my mind above all, so often went to the gym without
paying attention to how I felt. I trained like crazy and then suffered even more than before. Then I came
back home and listened to motivational speeches that advised me to take control of the emotions and
suppress pain. To be honest, this has been my routine for over four years, so I couldn’t realize how I
could resign from it.

All or Nothing = Addictive Personality

The fatigue increased day by day, and soon it forced me to give up any physical activities for a
while. Both the worst and the best realization I could have was to see that I have an addictive personality.
For years I repeated the same pattern, and only the addiction changed. And it all began with innocent
alcoholic parties in high school, followed by cannabis, and finally many years of physical labor in the
gym. Many may say that being active brings you health, but looking at my example, I have suffered more
than any inactive person.
When you first reach for alcohol, you do it out of curiosity. Not because you saw a bottle of
liquor and wanted to taste it. The problem often lies in parents or guardians. Children imitate adults, who
become their role models. Therefore, when a child is watching an adult drinking alcohol and feeling
cheerful, he will also want to try it and experience the same.
Like so many of you, I also sought this happiness in a bottle of alcohol. However, when my
stomach problems and food intolerance started years ago, I swapped alcohol to cannabis. It was then
when I realized that I had a problem with getting attached to bad habits. Soon after, I decided that the best
solution would be a gym that would help me cope with stress and excess emotions. Unfortunately, none
of the above could take away the suffering that hid in the subconscious. They were only distractions that
deprived me of the opportunity to discover the truth. The only way to understand myself was to end all
addictions. Being completely sober and aware, I focused on finding the true cause of my condition. As
never before, my body demanded change.

Self-discipline and Patience are required

Constant imbalance in life was the reason for the internal conflict that led me to feel lost in life.
In such moments, we often turn to drugs, stupidly believing that the problem will solve itself. And
although I didn’t fully understand how I could handle it, but I hoped that I would finally understand this
process.
Therefore, I stopped physical activity and took care of the needs of my soul. I paid close attention
to my feelings and thoughts. Every book that I read before and made no sense, was now seemed
meaningful since my mind was much clearer now, I could finally apply this knowledge in my life and
practice. While practicing, I realized that negative thinking and living in the past led me to more
suffering. Also, doing something against my feelings was devastating me mentally, which also had a
significant impact on my physical condition. Therefore, the only thing I owe to the last four years of
staying in a sports environment is a great discipline. Thanks to discipline, I can do everything that
previously seemed out of reach.
Today, I always listen to my body. Above all, I appreciate the free time that I often spend in
meditation to relax and calm my mind. I noticed that when I changed my approach and instead of chasing
after the target, I chose my health, the rest fell into place. Instead of judging myself and be critical, I’m
now more loving and compassionate.
 I haven’t cried since childhood, that’s why it was a difficult task to make me cry. However,
meditation proved to be reliable in healing old wounds, often causing uncontrolled crying. It was a very
purifying experience.

By forgiving yourself and others, you will heal

I felt that I was feeling lighter and better about the past. Therefore, when I felt brave enough, I
contacted my mother. I told her about my hurt feelings related to how they treated me in childhood.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be a tough conversation since the only person who understood my feelings
was me. I didn’t expect that she will refuse to acknowledge the truth. And yet, I still tried to fix our
relationship. I knew that I needed to start my healing by forgiving myself and everyone involved in my
past. The more I could openly express my feelings, the more peace and harmony entered my life. Since I
became my own therapist, I fully relied on my intuition, which also turned out to be reliable in most
cases. Since then, it has perfectly guided me through the entire healing process.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

I never asked God for anything specific, but the situation turned out to be too intense for me to
face alone. I worked full-time, studied, and tried to heal at the same time. It bordered on a miracle that I
could go through this hell alone. I understood for the first time that without God, I’m powerless. Only
with his intervention and help, I could survive it. Thus, I prayed to him day and night to help me go
through this, to protect me and give me strength. And as I asked, I received everything I needed. I’m still
surprised that for so many years I believed that I could do it without asking for help. Today I know how
wrong I was. Therefore, I allowed myself to ask for help, and God didn’t disappoint me as always.

Spiritual detox

I was slowly beginning to understand that everything I was experiencing was a spiritual detox.
This detox is supposed to help cleanse our body of toxins associated with certain life events as well as
heal old wounds. Spiritual cleansing is part of spiritual awakening that I had been going through for many
years. In this process, your soul awakens from a long sleep and makes drastic changes by getting rid of
unnecessary waste in the form of toxins.
My Spirit had enough of watching at how much pain I inflicted on myself and how unaware I was
of the source of my problems. I realized that this internal conflict I mentioned earlier was born of
different needs between The Soul and the False Ego (Mind).
The Soul said:

“I am fed up with this nonsense”. We will start all over again, much different from what we have
experienced before. But first, you must cleanse your subtle body of all the toxins you had feeding yourself
with.
I will start with your mind so you can see more clearly. And then work on your ears so that you
can hear what is left unspoken. Next, I will open the subconscious and pull out all suppressed emotions,
traumas, and feelings—and teach you to forgive yourself and others. I will teach you to accept your past,
explaining that everything you went through was meant to teach you a lesson. Then I will remove toxins
from the organs. Release every block in the physical body and energy centers (chakras).
You will get many physical symptoms such as sudden pain, skin rashes, and sleepless nights.
Don’t worry; it will disappear as soon as I finish your cleansing. I will unlock your heart and awaken
love, goodness, and compassion in you again. You will be exactly like when you were at the beginning—
pure love.
Unfortunately, due to your past lives and your karma, this process may take longer than you
expect. Therefore, don’t expect anything, just accept it, and let it be. This process can be exhausting. Yet,
you must believe that it is worth getting involved.
To become pure consciousness, you must unlearn everything you ever knew. Therefore, remove
layer by layer every mask you have worn for years. Trust me, it is for your highest good. You need to be
strong.
As I mentioned above, no one can determine how long the cleansing process can take.
Nevertheless, don’t fight any feelings that will come unannounced. Be ready to be more emotional and
vulnerable. Trust yourself and the process. Accept it and surrender.
As everything comes, so does it also finally goes away. Make sure you double your self-care
during this period and organize time alone. It is also important to spend time in nature.
Do things that require attention and focus, which will also allow you to be in the present moment.
When you feel pain in any part of the body, try not to take painkillers. Instead, find a quiet place where
you can focus. Sit comfortably with your back straight. The preferred position is the lotus position (cross-
legged). Close your eyes and try to connect with that specific place and pain. Then take a deep breath
(imagine white-healing light) and direct it towards the pain. Then, slowly blow away any toxicity with the
exhalation, releasing tension.

EXERCISE 9
Practice all kinds of Grounding Exercises.

CHAPTER 10
“MAGICAL AMAZONIAN PLANTS
– AYA H U A S C A T R I P T O T H E
UNKNOWN”
“Ayahuasca loves to take prideful people and rub their nose in it. I mean, it can make you beg
for mercy like nothing. You must approach it humbly”
-Participant

Ayahuasca is known in the Amazon jungle as “LA PURGA” (the purge), and it is an accurate name at
that since purging (vomiting) is common during an Ayahuasca ceremony. Why would you want to drink a
plant medicine and throw up?—you might ask.
Purging and the act of embracing Ayahuasca—can cleanse you on all levels; physical, emotional, mental,
and spiritual. It helps you to let go of things that no longer serve you and connect with your deepest truth.
Ayahuasca activates DMT, which is naturally produced in the human body. However, its production was
suppressed by an enzyme developed by the humans. Therefore, without this plant, we cannot access our
subconscious and experience this powerful healing.
Tobacco is one of the most sacred, detoxifying, and powerful plant spirits on Earth.
In South America, there are shamans called “Tabaqueros” who are devoted to the ceremonial use of
tobacco as a sacred herb. They use mapacho tobacco (Nicotiana Rustica) which is a way stronger cousin
of the one we are familiar with. Shamans master the spirit of the plant and heal illnesses by blowing
tobacco. Considering its medical properties, it is called a ‘Planta Maestra’ (Teacher Plant).
We consider these plants key protective spirits, allies, and guides to the world of health and
healing.

About three years ago, one of my friends told me about her experiences with a “magical plant”
from Amazon. I remember that her story aroused excitement and curiosity in me. I wanted to know more
about this plant, and that’s why in my free time, I searched online for any documentaries regarding
Amazonian plants. And I couldn’t believe what I found! The videos recorded during the Ayahuasca
ceremony fully showed the experiences of the participants. It looked like a journey into the unknown. I
must admit that watching it for the first time didn’t convince me, but rather alarmed me.
Whatever these people were going through, it looked scary and disgusting. Although I really
wanted to try it, I don’t think I was ready then.

Self-discovery and Self-understanding

Recent years, and especially months, have been quite intense, full of internal changes and
discoveries. By studying myself, I understood a lot about the truth about my childhood. Moreover, I
finally could forgive myself and others, which healed the old wounds. Seeing clearly certain repetitive
behaviors and knowing their causes, I could take control over my life and remove what kept me from self-
development.
In this way, with an overview and understanding of my behavior, I felt ready to discover
something much deeper and more meaningful about myself. Unlocking, layer by layer, I shed masks
associated with old beliefs, ways of thinking, and brought out old suppressed feelings to the surface.
Finally, I felt ready to face my struggles. Having a better understanding of myself, this time I
could work with Ayahuasca. I believed it was the only medicine that would give me more clarity—by
taking me into the subconscious and showing the causes of all the patterns I used in my life.
So, I started looking for resorts in Europe. To my surprise, there were a lot to choose from, but
one in Portugal encouraged me the most. And as we were approaching the end of the year, I booked a stay
after the New Year for January 2020.

Physical, Mental and Spiritual Preparation

 Instructions for the preparation to the ceremony included, above all internal silence, cessation of
all physical exertion, change of diet, daily meditation practice, and gradual, temporary isolation from
others. I had no problem with adjustment since I have already involuntarily complied with most of the
restrictions listed above. Therefore, changing my diet wasn’t hard.
Since the second half of December, I have tightened my diet, even more, to detoxify (cleanse) the
body of various types of toxins. The diet was very restrictive, excluding coffee, fatty foods, oils, canned
food, meat, dairy products, spices, and not to mention alcohol, drugs, and medicines.
I booked ten days off at work, while not telling anyone where I was going in case they wanted to
stop me. I didn’t feel the necessity to share with anyone what I was going through in my life, since I knew
people wouldn’t understand it. The only person who knew was a good friend and my mother, who helped
me arrange this trip. I have been waiting for this moment for a long time, which is why I took the
preparation period seriously. And although I still had more than a month to go on my adventure, time
passed very quickly, and before I noticed, I had to pack a backpack for the trip.

Adventure of a Lifetime

I decided to stay two extra days in Portugal, the day before and the day after the retreat.
Therefore, I organized my time perfectly to allow myself a long walk through the streets of Lisbon.
The motel I stayed in was close to the center, so I could take advantage of the sunny weather and
buy fresh fruits and vegetables. Even in January, the weather was quite favorable.
The next morning, I met two other participants who also stayed at the same Motel. It was an
amazing feeling, of meeting people from other parts of the world and experiencing together the adventure
of a lifetime.
Just after the breakfast, we packed our things and left Lisbon in the early afternoon. We had to
travel to a city called Coimbra, about two-and-a-half hours from Lisbon. When we got to the destination,
the other participants were already waiting at the station.
Each of us was from a different country, and yet we felt no difference, except for the purpose of
our stay. The goal was to find out who we are by our core nature and also get to know the reason for our
suffering. And since our stories differed, most of our stay, we were recommended to remain silent.
They believed that discussing our experiences and reflections with others could have a negative
impact on our opinion, as well as evoke unnecessary expectations. That’s why silence was to help us calm
our minds and delve into the inner world to connect with the Soul.

On a journey into the Unknown

 Finally, when the group was complete, a driver took us to the final destination, another hour’s
drive from Coimbra. Along the way, we had an opportunity to enjoy the beautiful views. The terrain in
those areas was mountainous and green from forests that were spreading to distant areas. The weather
outside was quite cloudy that day, but it didn’t affect the atmosphere we created together. We were all
excited about what was waiting for us, looking forward to the evening and our first ceremony. Nobody
had any idea what awaited us that evening. However, while getting to know each other better, we knew
that we would go through it together, and this gave us a sense of security.
When we finally arrived at our destination, the residents of the resort were already waiting for us
outside, greeting warmly with hugs.
The resort was located on a hill, surrounded by greenery with a mountain view. On each side,
there was a path leading to nearby houses visible at a distance. Palm trees and orange trees surrounded the
resort. At the front, there was a pool with a view of the entire area. It was just perfect.

Setting Intentions

That same afternoon we fasted to prepare our body for the evening cleansing ceremony.
Therefore, right after allocating the rooms and accommodating, I used the free time to walk around the
area.
I walked down the hill and found a place with a huge stone and a beautiful river view in a nearby
village. I sat on the rock, closed my eyes, and took a few deep breaths, filling my lungs with fresh air.
Moments later, I plunged into deep meditation. For the first time in a long time, I could finally
concentrate and fully feel my body. Disconnected from the outside world, away from the noise and
polluted air, I felt blissful. Thoughts calmed down, and moments after that, the body felt immediate
relaxation. I used this time to reflect and focus on the purpose of my stay. I wanted to make the best out
of this time. I needed to make sure what was most important to me in life and what knowledge would help
me in my further personal development.
I’m not sure how long I sat there, but it was long enough to notice that it was getting darker. So, I
went back to my room, which I shared with the two other girls. One of them came from Romania, and the
other from Ireland.
Taking advantage of the opportunity that we could still talk to each other, we discussed our
stories together.

Getting closer to knowing the Truth

My major reason I decided to work with Ayahuasca was to connect with my Higher Self. But
above all, I wanted to understand my relationship with God and discover the purpose of my existence on
earth.
Recent years have been quite intense and full of new discoveries, which in a way prompted me to
ask myself these deep questions. That’s why I came to Portugal fully aware of the masks I had developed
and worn for years, and that I was leading a false life.
For many years, I tried to adjust to the environment, that I lost the sense of my real identity. I
wasn’t able to recognize who I really was. Yet I was ready to do the necessary work on myself, look for
answers and finally find “missing pieces of the entire picture”.

God’s plan and arrangements

I trust that God has a plan for each of us. Therefore, he makes the necessary preparations and
arranges situations and people to help us get closer to the goal. God gives us many opportunities to learn
the truth, but unfortunately, we are not always ready to follow his path. If, on the other hand, you choose
to trust him, be sure that he will provide you with safety and care in the most dangerous and challenging
situations in life. The more determined and truth-hungry you are, the more truth will be revealed to you.
The more you actively work in this direction, the faster you get results. For me, nothing was more
important than just knowing. I couldn’t imagine living a minute longer asking myself the same question
day after day, without knowing the answer.
I believe the day I heard about Ayahuasca had a significant impact on my personal journey. The
magical effect of this plant was to reveal everything that I was looking for and wanted to understand. But
not only that, the most important thing I could learn was to reconnect with our beautiful nature. After
drinking Ayahuasca, you automatically become one with your surroundings, which means you can feel
and understand its needs as your own. You have more compassion for her, which also makes you see her
beauty that you have never seen before.

I guess it must have been midnight when we heard the gong for the first time. We gave our
electric devices to the organizer, so we could detach from the outside world and fully engage in our
experiences. The gong meant to give us a sign to prepare for the upcoming ceremony. I was so ready and
yet a little nervous since I didn’t know what to expect.

Let yourself be relieved from the pain and guilt of the past

We had a purification ceremony that night, called “La Purga” in Spanish. I had been waiting for
this moment all day. But as soon as I entered the room, the sight of empty buckets, jugs, and toilet rolls
made me question my excitement. We looked at each other, smiling silently, and yet you could feel the
fear in everyone’s eyes.
One by one, people came together and when the group was complete, we could finally start. The
Shaman came last, and then sat down in the center of the circle, so he could see each person individually.
Speaking in Spanish, he greeted us and started the ceremony explaining the entire process. Once
everything was clear, he began filling tall glasses with a black drink. This black drink was a decoction of
Amazonian tobacco leaves.
Each participant got a glass filled up to the top. And when everyone had their glass in hand, we
started drinking. The goal was to drink it all in one go. However, the drink was very bitter and pungent,
gave an unpleasant burning sensation in the throat and stomach. It was so strong that it forced me to take
a break for a deep breath before I could finish the rest. And as soon as I finished, the next step was to
constantly drink water and vomit, and so on. We had to repeat this process until there was nothing else to
get rid of. Interestingly, everyone reacted immediately, but not me. I drank over three full jugs of water
(about 2-3 liters) and still had the impression that nothing would happen. My stomach was already full of
water, which meant that I couldn’t drink a drop more. I was slowly getting tired and unwell.
Do you know the feeling when you know you will get sick, but for some reason, you cannot
vomit? —I felt this way for about twenty to thirty minutes. I sat there and watched others vomit, which
made me feel even worse. And then, unexpectedly, my body started to shake, which seemed quite
difficult to control. The shaman approached me and folded my hands in prayer. Then, in a calm voice, he
whispered in Spanish to concentrate and calm my body by taking control of it. The shaman’s assistant
translated into English, and a moment later I closed my eyes and, while meditating, I asked my spirit to
help me release all the toxins, which I have accumulated in my body.
When I speak of toxins, I mean not only the food scraps, but most of all energy toxins associated
with past karma and negative thought patterns, behaviors, and habits. Every negative thought created in
our mind produces toxic chemicals that slowly destroy our bodies. The more you collected negative
thoughts, habits, and behaviors, the more the toxins are there. It is also important how long we live our
lives according to the same pattern. The longer it is, the harder it is to unlearn the old way of being.
That’s why, in my case I felt as if my shadow self was holding me back from freeing myself—from
everything that had been in me for many years. However, my stubbornness and determination to fight my
shadow was stronger. So, I firmly repeated in my mind that I no longer want to suffer and I want to get
rid of everything that doesn’t belong to me anymore.
I repeated the sentence three times before I expelled enormous amounts of fluid. The only thing I
could taste was the bitterness of the broth and stomach acids. It seemed like it would never end. Worse
still, I had an urgent need to use the toilet. Unfortunately, I couldn’t imagine how I would get there. The
toilet was outside the building, which also required me to wear a jacket and shoes. This task was almost
impossible to do due to the endless amount of fluid I expelled. And yet, with all my strength, I got up
from the ground and walked with the bucket against my face. I closed the door to the building, then set
the bucket on the bench and continued throwing up. And when a moment later I managed to catch my
breath, I took advantage of this situation and went to the bathroom.
I have no idea how long I sat there, but I know that for the first time I felt free from the burden
that I had carried within myself for years. I was crying, vomiting, passing stools, and urinating at the
same time. However, minute by minute, I felt more and more relief, which also freed my body from
tension.
Much lighter, I could finally get up and go back to the group. And when I returned, most of the
participants were ready to go back to their rooms. While I, totally exhausted, lay down on the deckchair. I
needed a moment to rest before I was ready to go. I couldn’t speak a word, let alone walk. However, soon
after that, I gathered my strength, got up, and went back to my room.
I took a shower and went to bed. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall asleep. I was constantly urinating.
To make things worse, every time I thought I was falling asleep, it immediately felt like I would throw up
again. Therefore, I just closed my eyes and tried to rest.
I had a vision that I was flying over the peaks of the mountains; I felt light and free like never
before. It felt as if my soul had left my body. I didn’t feel anymore any pain, fatigue or bitterness in my
mouth.
Sometime later I heard a gong, and when I opened my eyes, it was already sunny outside. The
sun’s rays were breaking into the room, which also gave us more energy. Considering last night, this was
definitely something we lacked. I felt quite tired, but above all, terribly hungry. Thus, we got dressed with
the girls and went to breakfast.
On the way, I stopped for a moment by the pool to get some fresh air. The weather was pretty
good for January. The views were quite unusual for a person living in central London. Therefore, I
enjoyed the views in every free moment. It gave me a sense of freedom and inner peace.
Now that I was feeling calmer and much fresher, I went to join the rest of the group. Opening the
door, I accidentally ran into the Shaman’s assistant, who smiled at me and asked how I felt. For some
reason, I got so confused and couldn’t meet his eyes. There was something in his eyes I was running
from. I gasped out: “I slept great, thank you” (which was also not true). Then, afraid that I would say
something strange, or random, I rushed inside. I believe it must have looked quite indecent. I just wasn’t
in the mood for any conversation.
When I got inside, most of the group was already there. We began a period of silence that
morning, and so everyone went to their rooms as soon as they had eaten their breakfast.

Mental preparation vs. Monkey Mind

That evening, we had our first Ayahuasca ceremony. Therefore, I wanted to prepare myself
mentally and physically. I thought a walk and meditation would do me good. So, I took my notebook and
went to look for inspiration.
During the walk, my head was teeming with various questions. For some reason, I started to think
about the shaman’s assistant. There was something about him that made me feel safe when he was
around. He knew how to take care of someone. I saw how dedicated he was to his duties. He listened
patiently to others with understanding. The good emanated from him, which also attracted me a lot.
Yet my much stronger Ego, at all costs, made me forget about him. Repeating: “This is not a
person for you, he is too good.”
Back then, I had quite different preferences. I was interested in the type of guy who would give me little
attention due to his self-indulgence and his own needs.
Today I know that I have never been ready for a relationship. I unconsciously chose someone
who was emotionally closed and unavailable, so I would not lose my freedom being with someone. In this
way, I was protecting myself from being hurt. My heart was blocked and not ready to trust anyone. I had
a hard time loving myself, let alone someone. So, I quickly redirected my thoughts on myself and my own
needs. And as I walked around, I thought about my plans and dreams, as well as God, our relationship,
and its meaning.
As I mentioned in previous chapters, God plays a huge role in my life. And although I didn’t
always follow all the commandments; I had the impression that he could see me trying, and that mattered
the most.
I was grateful for the opportunity to take part in this adventure. As I already mentioned, it was
supposed to bring me closer to my truth. Therefore, after a few hours in solitude and silence, I knew what
I wanted to learn from the evening session. And as the day had passed surprisingly quickly, we only
waited for the ceremony.

We held the ceremonies at night. Why at night? I guess one of the reasons is the increased effect
of DMT. DMT is one of the most important hallucinogenic compounds in Ayahuasca. Yet, today’s
research proves that the pineal gland (part of our brain), besides melatonin, which is responsible for
healthy sleep, also produces small amounts of DMT, releasing it during the deep sleep phase between 2-4
am. Therefore, the human body can tolerate the healing propensities of the plant, without side effects,
when used in the right doses.

Silence reveals the Truth

Since there were no activities organized just before the ceremony, they suggested us to spend this
time relaxing, or even taking a nap. However, I must admit that the lack of activities to do after a long
time turned out to be quite difficult for me. I wasn’t used to doing nothing, and I always had a busy
schedule which distracted me from over-thinking. And now I was there, selecting my thoughts so as to
not to drift too far away from reality. But even when I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep because I was waiting
impatiently.
I realized that my expectations of myself exceeded all healthy standards. I was used to be unable
to be friendly to the fact that people needed rest. Everything was too slow for me. I was always on the
move, actively participating in many activities. I felt needed and happy to do something for someone. I
never had patience, so I often did many things at the same time, which also raised my standards and
expectations over time. I was always ahead with my tasks, which allowed me to start new ones. And yet, I
still had trouble meeting my own requirements. I still wanted more, which didn’t allow me to enjoy the
successes. Instead, I chased something else. As you can see, the period of silence allowed me to
understand a lot about myself.
I have been lying in bed for a while now, eyes closed, thinking about my new realizations. I have
no idea for how long, but I finally fell asleep. I thought I was still dreaming when I heard the gong
outside. We all jumped out of bed, awake. Someone was standing outside. I opened the door and saw the
smiling face of the assistant. He passed me jugs filled with water with flowers which we were to rinse
with for cleansing purposes. I thanked him, and then handed over the jugs to the girls.
One by one, we bathed in flowers. The smell of which was very intense and pleasing to the
senses. Dressed in white, we waited for the next gong. And about thirty minutes later, we all hiked to the
ceremony.
The shaman was already waiting for us. Therefore, we all took our seats, and when we were
ready, he began his speech. He explained us what to expect and what might happen. It was especially
important to control our breathing and to relax, which will also enable concentrating. But above all, it was
about the disconnection from the outside world. The unnecessary panic could make breathing very
difficult. Any expectations could have blocked the process of vision and experience.
Knowing everything, we were finally ready to begin our journey. The shaman poured the
Ayahuasca decoction into a small cup, while we approached him one by one and drank it.
The mixture had a very thick consistency with a rather sweet but mushy taste. At first, I felt like I
would throw up, so I put the bucket in front of my face. Luckily, moments later that feeling passed, and I
immediately melted in my seat. My body suddenly became very flexible, and I couldn’t hold myself in a
sitting position. And although I was aware of what was happening around me, when I closed my eyes I
found myself in a completely different world. I felt my every breath, pulse, heartbeat, very aggressive
blood flow, and spreading Ayahuasca in every part of my body. I felt it flowing through my arms, chest,
face, all the way to my brain. It was then that I felt overwhelming feelings which were tightening my
chest. However, a moment later, I was able to get my breathing under control, and the feeling of pressure
gave way.
The background music was slowly blurring, and suddenly I felt like I was in a wonderland. First,
I saw different colors, then kaleidoscope-like patterns, and finally scary clowns that made me a little
anxious.
I felt like an observer as I watched the clowns tear apart my old wounds, revealing my fears and
traumas. I took a deep breath and plunged in my inner world, telling myself that I was responsible for
what was going on in my mind. So, instead of reacting, I would just give in to it by just observing. And as
soon as I accepted the entire process, to my surprise, I suddenly found myself in a sitting position. I don’t
even know when I opened my eyes, but the noise made by the other participants frustrated me so much.
Some cried, others screamed, another smiled or danced.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but I know that the noise irritated me. I had the feeling that this
was the end of my experience. Disappointed, I felt like leaving the room. Then, suddenly I had an
epiphany. I looked around once again and realized: Even though, we live on the same planet, each person,
by creating his own reality, creates his own planet that distinguishes him from others. Therefore,
considering what stage of life we are at, we will attract people on the same level and only they will
understand us.
The next epiphany was when I realized that I was never focusing on the present. Instead, I
focused on creating the future, following my feelings from the past. The frustration resulted from the fact
that I always focus on the needs of others, but not mine.
As I learn these valuable lessons, I have decided to take care of my own needs and put myself
before everyone. I looked at the shaman and asked for more. I got a refill, after which I was finally open
to healing. And just a few minutes later, when I closed my eyes, I found myself in a different dimension.
I met my higher self. I couldn’t get over my external appearance and very sensual behavior. It felt
as if my soul broke out of my body and met with the best version of me.
She turned on a gigantic screen in front of both of us. And then successively, she displayed
situations from my life that blocked me from self-development. First, she showed me my father’s face
and told me to call him and say how much I love him. The fact is, we never shared our feelings at home.
And if we did, it was mostly negative feelings. Therefore, I supposed to be the first to open up and
confess genuine emotions.
Then I saw disgusting shapes, faces, obese people, and was asked if this is how I perceive myself.
I remember shedding a few tears, but only on the left side. If you don’t know it yet, we all have female
and male energy, regardless of gender. Feminine energy is responsible for delicacy, sensitivity, feelings,
and emotions, and that is our left side. In turn, the masculine part is responsible for our physical strength,
endurance, decisions, etc., and that is our right side of the body.
Coming back to the ceremony, at one point my left body part hurt. I felt a blockage and a tension
that slowly eased, along with the tears. I was fully aware that over the years, I had developed much more
masculine energy, which caused the emotional block. With women, this happens when we want to
achieve success, a prominent position, and be a leader. And, when the energies are unbalanced, they can
block us emotionally. That’s why, I felt like Ayahuasca focused heavily on the left side for a while. She
showed me what made me develop a more masculine nature. Revealing situations that made me suppress
my sensitive side—I found it very emotional.
Through the visions, I got a lot of understanding and clarity about the old way of thinking,
feeling, and behaving. It was time to take care of myself and love myself as much as I loved everyone
around me and more. Instead of giving my everything to others, I should first take care of my own needs
and then eventually share my energy with those in need.

At one point during the ceremony, I heard a song that snapped me from where I was. This song
was very specific. There was something very magical about it. Moreover, this song made me
automatically sit in the lotus position with my back straight, making me sing. I honestly didn’t even think
about how I knew the lyrics of the song. I just thought we were all singing. But as I looked around, the
only person who sang was me and the shaman’s assistant.

The lyrics were:

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna,
Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare,
Hare Rama, Hare Rama,
Rama Rama, Hare Hare

And as soon as the song ended I lay down and then something unexpected happened that I would
never even dare to think would happen to me. This beautiful figure of me from the future began to shine
with a blinding light, the same as the sun’s rays. The sight was so wonderful that so far I haven’t been
able to find adequate words to describe the feelings I felt at that extraordinary moment.

I was looking at the figure of myself and couldn’t believe it when suddenly I felt the presence of
God himself. At first, he/she bestowed me with care and love so powerful that tears of happiness flowed
from my eyes in streams. And then he/she spoke through me, saying: “Dear child, you have gone
through a lot of suffering, sorrow, and disappointment, but know that I will not allow you to
suffer anymore. All your sins are forgiven since you have proved the good of your heart and your
faith with devotion. You learned the hardest lessons and came to the truth with determination
and keenness. You deserve a new better life, so I give you a blank sheet of paper to rewrite your
life as you want it to be. And don’t be afraid, I am and will always be in your heart, protecting
you and giving love as you love others. Know that you are never alone.” —Crying, I repeated
silently that I didn’t deserve it, but he argued that I could be sure of it. So I asked: “Can I wish for
anything?!” And in response, I heard: “You are the creator of your life, what you want is within
your reach.” And I replied: “All I want is to open a wellness center where I can help others in
their healing process as well as deepen their relationship with you.” In the end, he surrounded me
with his love, which vibrated in my body so strongly that a moment later it opened my heart and removed
the blockage. And when I opened my eyes, I wanted to hug everyone individually. Love was emanating
from me. For the first time in my life, I felt a selfless, unconditional love that calmed me down and gave
me a feeling of unity with God and everything that surrounds me. This experience deepened my
relationship with God who exists and sees everything. I thought: “I always believed you were there,
you just waited for the right moment to reveal yourself.” And although I know that many people in
the world question the existence of God or have turned away from him completely. Be sure that God
exists and is in the hearts of all of us. We are his part and parcel. We are all connected through him and
his love. We are love.

Dear God,
“To this day, I don’t know what I did to deserve to ever stand before you. Thanks to this
experience, I realized that you want to be for us who we want you to be. And although you are
everything, I trust you and treat you as the most precious friend to whom I can tell about my
worries or complicated feelings. You are a friend to whom I can turn to when I’m in danger, and
ask for protection. I also know that I can always rely on you because you are the greatest adviser
and guide. You always respond to our requests in the form of your actions. You respond to us by
sending your Angels who take the form of valuable people in our lives. You also arrange useful
situations from which we can learn to become better people.”

But that wasn’t the end of my journey yet. I lay down again, closed my eyes, and asked to show
me what was standing in the way so I could find the right partner. As it turned out, one of the reasons was
a lack of trust ingrained in early childhood. As a child, I experienced disappointment many times. Most
often it was about breaking a promise, which turned into a complete lack of trust after many years.
Unfortunately, as a child, I didn’t understand the trivia of the problem. Back then, it seemed to
me that it was the worst thing that could have happened. Another fact was that the requirements were too
high, which I also imposed on to myself. In fact, when my parents demanded that I study, perhaps
comparing unnecessarily with others made me feel inferior. However, today I understand that they were
doing it for my good. They wanted me to be successful in life, which is why they often urged me to study.
Unfortunately, as a child, I coded in my head that I would never be good enough, so trying to
prove the opposite, I demanded much more from myself than I could achieve. Therefore, setting the bar
high for myself, I demanded the same from others. I thought: If I was not good enough, nobody was good
enough for me. And therefore, running away from my feelings, living in fear of being hurt, unconscious, I
have blocked myself emotionally. Now, when everything was clear, I knew what I needed to work on in
order to change my behavior and heal.
I was only wondering who he would be and what a suitable partner for me would look like. For
many years I have been making mistakes when choosing a partner; so, using the situation I asked if I
could get any hints from my spirit guides.
Looking at the future version of me, her determination and confidence amazed me. That’s why I
trusted that she could also help me by giving me some advice. And when I finally asked for advice, I
couldn’t believe what I saw. She showed me the figure and said that the person I am looking for and
waiting for is the shaman’s assistant. Shocked, I immediately denied it. I kept repeating that there was a
mistake because I don’t even know him. I asked several times if she was sure about it, but she claimed it
was him.
The more I tried to dismiss these thoughts, the worse I felt. As if I was hurting my soul, which
was definitely longing for him. There was an ongoing battle between the mind and the heart. My heart
was almost inclined to him, while my mind was pushing away these thoughts at all costs, repeating that it
was a mistake. Worst of all, he was lying next to me . “What if he can read my mind?” —I thought. I
felt embarrassed and rather not ready for what I was seeing. I was afraid that my mind might play a trick
on me. That’s why I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

The Battle between the Heart and the Mind

I saw people leaving the room. Then I saw that shaman walking towards the exit. And when I
thought he left, I also decided to go back to my room. However, I wasn’t sure if I could walk since the
Ayahuasca was still actively working on me.
I could barely see in my eyes and my gait was wobbly. When I was in the middle of the room, I
realized that he was still there, adding wood to the stove to keep us warm. We looked at each other with a
smile; I thanked him and left the room. On the way, however, something was telling me to go back there.
An invisible energy force was pulling me back to the ceremony hall. I remember struggling with my
feelings. It was hard to resist them. And yet, I went back to my dark and cold room.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why him?—I asked. After all, we live in different parts of the
world. It was hard to believe that this could be my destined partner. Not knowing him, I just thought we
are too different from each other and we certainly will not find a common language. I resisted those
thoughts and pushed away from the growing sense of interest. And only because of the battle between the
mind and the heart, I didn’t sleep another night in a row.
 Last night’s visions were a profound experience. I was trying to gather my thoughts and I still
couldn’t believe what I was able to see and hear.
Fortunately, the next morning we could talk to each other. Everyone seemed to be still excited
and amazed at the power of Ayahuasca. Therefore, we openly shared our experiences.

Activation of the chakras

After the breakfast, we had a painting class. We had to transfer our feelings and thoughts on
paper. It turned out to be quite an interesting activity that activated our creativity. I looked at the photos of
others and although they were beautiful, I couldn't guess their meaning. While, my illustration showed
clear real-life situations and lessons I had learned through Ayahuasca.
Later in the day, we had a meeting with a shaman who viewed our pictures and asked questions
about our experiences. It was really interesting to hear what he had to say. I wasn’t sure how people
would react to my story, which was quite unusual. Therefore, I skipped the last part since I wasn’t sure
about my feelings towards the things I saw.
After the meeting, we had a free time for ourselves. So, I organized a walk around the center.
Time spent in the nature was something we all needed after a rather rough night. It was wonderful to see
the surrounding beauty. And especially view of the wild river flowing nearby, and the charming
footbridges, which were quite a creative human intervention. I felt much lighter and fresher, trying not to
focus on unnecessary analysis and quit confusing feelings.
Yet something tempted me and I looked more closely at him. And the more I looked the more
good I could see. I just sincerely hoped he didn’t see me looking. Knowing my observation skills, I often
get people confused. However, I often use this skill to read the person and understand their behavior. I
never meant to embarrass anyone; this is just my way of getting to know people.

Pondering over deepest Questions

As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep very well the next night as well. I was just very excited about
the upcoming second and final ceremony, thinking about what it will bring this time.
The next day, we ate breakfast in silence for preparatory purposes. Actually, the entire day was
rather mental preparation for the evening. Therefore, taking advantage of the fairly favorable weather, I
went for a walk with one of the guys I met there. We got along very well, so even without talking, we
could think alike. We went the same way as the day before, but this time we were taking brief breaks for
meditation and prayer.
The goal of my evening experience was to discover my life purpose as well as my nature and
origin. Knowing the powerful abilities of Ayahuasca, I was going to dive much deeper. In this way, I had
to think about the right questions I wanted to ask. Therefore, the walk we took turned out to be the
greatest idea. It refreshed my mind and even changed the way I perceived certain things. Eventually, I felt
at ease and stopped struggling with my feelings. Instead, I accepted them and trusted the process.

Revealed Truth

The sky was full of stars that night. The sight was something I had never seen before. We met in
the ceremonial hall. This time we brought pillows and blankets with us. We wished each other a
wonderful trip, and so right after drinking Ayahuasca tea, we lay flat and sailed into the unknown.
The music in the background expressed my feelings perfectly. It seemed as if it was telling the
story of my life, awakening different feelings in me. And when I finally closed my eyes, something
changed.
At first, I thought the shaman was walking around playing tambourine, but when I opened my
eyes he was just sitting there smoking tobacco. I closed my eyes again and this time I found myself in
another dimension. I had lost touch with the so-called reality.
I noticed a high flame. As I got closer, I noticed a huge campfire surrounded by Native
Americans playing instruments and singing. I asked: “Where am I and who are you?” Then one of
them replied: “Welcome home! It’s time for you to learn the truth.” Confused, I had absolutely no
idea what he was talking about. “Do we know each other?” — I asked. They replied: “We are your
family, your ancestors. We have the same blood in our veins. We have waited a long time for
you, and now that you have finally reached us, you must hear the truth”. I smiled: “What truth,
tell me!” One of them stood up and said: “You are a Spiritual Teacher and a Healer. You have the
power in your hands to cure any disease. You have wisdom in your heart. You have all the
knowledge in you, all you have to do is open up to your truth and it will come out. You are gifted
and you must use your gift to heal this world.” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I said: “I always
thought I had a higher purpose, and I wanted to heal the world, but I cannot imagine that I could
have healing abilities. How could I heal the world? What are my skills?” They answered: “You
are the messenger of God. You can channel messages. You have the healing energy flowing
through you. And this way you can heal with words or touch. You can see through people and
feel their energy. You can sense their health problems. You are very intuitive and you have the
ability to predict the future. You have love and compassion for others that can heal people’s
hearts”. Tears streamed from my eyes. I felt overwhelmed by the incredible gratitude that I had in my
heart. I couldn’t stop thanking God for all the blessings. Yet, I wondered: “How can I use these
abilities in the modern world? Will people even believe in these abilities?” Scared, I wondered
about people’s reactions.
However, looking at my ancestors, I couldn’t disappoint them. They were waiting for this
moment to communicate with me. Then, I understood why I felt a strong need to work with Ayahuasca. It
all made sense. They arranged this retreat for me. But what I heard then evoked even more emotions in
me.
One of them said: “You have gone through many difficulties in life. You have changed your
surroundings many times. Many times situation forced you to walk away from people and change
the environment. You have experienced many challenges and difficulties and yet you never gave
up. Instead, you became much stronger. And although the situation has been difficult many
times, you have never lost faith and hope. You always believed in yourself. Know that we have
always protected you and guided through your journey. We, your ancestors, made many
mistakes. And because of this, you have had to suffer many times due to the karma passed down
from generation to generation. However, know that it is you who will end the suffering in our
family tribe. You are our leader, you carry the power of all generations within you, and you can
go through any difficulty while always keeping your heads up. Many doubted you, and yet you
never doubted yourself. You have accepted many changes and uncomfortable situations, knowing
deep down that as soon as you learn the lesson, you will move forward towards something better.
You are stronger than you think. All wisdom is in your heart. You have been doing this for many
lifetimes, so healing others comes naturally to you. Don’t be afraid of people’s opinions, this life
will be much easier. Many will doubt you, but also many will trust you and your healing abilities.
You don’t have to worry, you are not alone, we are with you, removing all obstacles to clear
your way. You are not an ordinary person; you are a high dimensional spiritual being!”

Even now, as I write this, I get the Goosebumps of the night I witnessed this deep conversation
with my ancestors. I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say except “THANK YOU!” — which I
repeated hundreds of times. They asked me to raise my hands to heaven, so I did. What happened to me
was just unbelievable. I saw the universe open wide over our heads, and then I saw the lightning bolt
flying straight at me. It entered my body firmly through my arms. Suddenly I felt a tremendous energy
flow through my entire body. I started shaking and just minutes later when it stopped I felt an
overwhelming feeling of unconditional love.
I thought that I always knew what true love was. However, the feelings I experienced that night
were unlike any I had known. For the first time in my life, I felt such a wonderful and powerful amount of
warmth, care, and love that surrounded me. It felt as if all my ancestors hugged me at the same time. My
heart was beating so fast. I wanted to share this love with the entire planet.
I opened my eyes and everything seemed so beautiful. I wanted to scream with happiness.
However, this was not over yet. I could sense that there was much more to discover. So, I closed my eyes
again.

Ask and it shall be given to you

To my surprise, Ayahuasca took me back to the same place. My ancestors were still playing and
singing. I sat next to them and asked: “Can you show me my future?” And as soon as I asked, I
suddenly found myself in the jungle. I looked around and all I saw were tropical trees, lots of trees, and a
muggy climate. It was all beautiful. The green color was incredibly intense that it awakened my senses.
Looking in the distance, I saw a small wooden house with a patio. Something made me go that
way. I was curious about the people I saw and what they were doing there. So I walked closer, and when I
finally got there, I couldn’t believe what I noticed. It was me, our shaman and his assistant. The shaman
was showing us different plants, explaining something. I stopped there for a while and watched with
curiosity. And then I heard a voice saying : “You will go to Peru to study Amazonian plants and their
healing properties. The Shamans will teach you healing techniques and various rituals”.
The only thing I could concentrate on was the Assistant. “What is he doing here?”—I asked.
“This is your partner. You’ve been with each other for many lifetimes. You’re destined to be
together. You have a common mission to fulfill. This bound can only be interrupted by the
Creator himself”. And as soon as he said that, I found myself in a rocky meadow. This time we were
alone. We sat on a large rock and gazed into each other’s eyes. As we looked, I felt a growing feeling of
love for him. As if someone was filling my heart with it. Suddenly, it felt as if the shared memories from
previous lives and the joy of being together returned.
At this point, I could no longer deny my feelings. It was so real that I even wondered how I might
not have recognized it sooner. The bond between us was so strong that it blurred all doubts. I understood
that he was, is, and will remain in my heart forever. I asked myself: “why did all this make sense?”

On a side note: despite the different teachings of the Catholic religion, I have always believed in
reincarnation and past lives. And yet this fact was still not very clear to me due to the lack of sufficient
knowledge in this field. Only my mother and I had such an interest in the entire family. Unfortunately, we
both didn’t understand where our feelings and knowledge came from. Therefore, it was something I
wanted to learn in this lifetime. After both ceremonies, I believe that the door to truth is wide open,
waiting only for those who want to know it.
I opened my eyes, and he was right in front of me taking care of another person. At that moment,
I felt his heart’s warmth, kindness, and devotion. He cared for everyone, putting everyone above his own
needs. He could listen with patience and understanding. Now, when I could see his true nature, I felt great
gratitude for how he cared for us. And when he was about to rest a few minutes later, I looked at him and
said: “Thank you!”, and then he smiled saying: “Thank you”, too. Smiling, I closed my eyes. I felt
blissful. Now that I knew everything I wanted to know, I couldn’t wait to transform my life. Analyzing
once again everything that I experienced in both ceremonies, I finally felt complete.
Suddenly, I heard someone saying something. Opening my eyes, I saw him sitting right next to
me. On a sudden impulse, I grabbed his hand, and as soon as I did, I felt a flow of magical energy
between us. I couldn’t stop touching him. He said: “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner, but I was
busy with other people who needed help. I just want to ask, how was your experience?” My eyes
were full of tears. Smiling, I said: “My experience was very profound and beautiful. It was the best
thing that could happen to me. Can we talk tomorrow?” He replied: “Of course! Just remind me
when you see me after breakfast.” And then I closed my eyes again. Now I felt calm while my heart
was overflowing with love.
Sometime later, I left the room. It was already light outside. After returning to my room, I took a
shower and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep because of the incoming thoughts about all the visions.
Once the Ayahuasca effects faded, everything became much more difficult to reveal. As the ego
awakened, fear and anxiety brought back thoughts about the possible negative reactions to what I was
about to say. I wasn’t at all ready to share my experiences with others. Besides, another sleepless night
took its toll on me. My body was shaking with exhaustion and I couldn’t think clearly. On the one hand, I
felt I had to do it, but on the other, I wasn’t ready.

It wasn’t the right time

It must have been around 8 am when we heard the gong. This was our last day at the resort. After
breakfast, they planned a group meeting for us to share our impressions from the last night.
On my way to breakfast, I decided that I’ll ask for a private conversation with the shaman. Since
he was part of my experience, I felt I needed to talk to him in person.
During breakfast, the shaman’s assistant sat next to me and asked: “What did you want to tell
me” And I said: “I’d like to tell you this personally if that’s ok? Perhaps we could go for a
walk?” He asked: “Go for a walk?” And then I noticed his reaction. He seemed surprised and
completely not ready for any private conversation. I immediately lost all my strength and confidence, and
not putting pressure on him, I gave up. In life, when something usually seems right to me, I always act
without thinking twice. However, this time I just couldn’t fight my fears so I decided to leave it for now.

Everything happens for a reason

 The group meeting lasted until noon, so we only had time for a quick lunch and preparation for
the trip. In the meantime, I found a moment to talk to the shaman. And when I told him about my visions,
he smiled and replied: “I’m happy to hear that you would like to follow this path and cultivate
your gifts”. Then he kindly mentioned the upcoming Ayahuasca retreats. He suggested a much longer
stay where I could experience deeper healing. And then eventually decide if it was the path I would like
to take. He also mentioned about joining a three-month trip to Peru, during which I could learn much
more about shamanism. He put a smile on my face because that’s exactly what my ancestors told me. And
when we finished talking, the food was ready. We only had half an hour to pack our stuff and prepare for
the trip. The bus was supposed to pick us up around 3 pm and take us to the train station.
Our last goodbye made me confused and gave rise to many unpleasant thoughts and emotions. I
had the feeling that he completely didn’t want to say goodbye to me. I also felt that the sooner I leave, the
better it will be for me. I was too tired to analyze my situation and above all my feelings. I said I’d write
him an email explaining everything, then I hugged him and we had to leave.
After returning to Lisbon, I stayed overnight in the same motel as just before the Ayahuasca
retreat. The next day, the weather was just perfect for a long walk. So, taking advantage of the
opportunity, I spent the last hours of my stay walking.
Despite the late hour, the airport was crowded with tourists. Fortunately, the check-in was
successful, and without any delay. We landed in London just after 1 am, but I was home at around 3 am.
Tired of quite an intense week, I fell asleep like a baby.

Just to Recap

This trip brought me a profound and extraordinary experience. In just a week, I realized things
many that I would never have known without Ayahuasca’s help. I won’t encourage you to do the same for
yourself, because I believe you must feel called to do so. However, in sharing my experiences with you, I
have to be truthful.
We are all at different stages in our lives, some of us have already asked ourselves who they are,
some will get there soon, and others maybe in the next life. As I mentioned at the beginning of this
chapter, I first heard about Ayahuasca three years ago. As you can see, it took a long time for me to
mature and feel ready for this kind of healing method.
Drinking Ayahuasca—just for the sake of doing it or out of curiosity can affect your reality
negatively and rather confuse your life. To work with this magic plant, you need to prepare yourself —
both physically and mentally. You must be a Truth Seeker, willing to face your shadows. You should be
fully open to all kinds of challenges, but most of all healing. Mother Ayahuasca can bring to the surface
uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions related to past traumas. These traumas are suppressed in your
subconscious. Moreover, she can also reveal generational curses encoded in your spiritual DNA.
 During group sessions, I had the opportunity to observe and hear what the other participants went
through. The stories were shocking and very emotional. When Ayahuasca is in action, she decides what
you’ll learn and what you need to work on during the session and after. So be sure you will not be in
control of your experiences. On the other hand, the benefits you can get from this treatment are something
you won’t find in any other.
The things I discovered on my journey were things I had never dreamed of, let alone thought. As
I traveled, I experienced different dimensions that I had only heard of in scientific programs.
I understood that I have created for myself a world full of illusory thoughts and feelings, which
also brought a lot of unnecessary confusion and suffering. I realized that the way I saw myself and the so-
called reality was definitely not real. Today I know that it was just the illusion of living based on old
beliefs, family traditions, a socially imposed lifestyle, past traumas, bad habits, and negative thought and
behavior patterns.
I also confirm that the reincarnation process is real. Today I understand that our suffering and all
kinds of misfortunes are mainly related to our actions from previous lives.
The wisdom we already have, as well as our skills and talents, results from practice over many
previous lives.
Know that all this knowledge is available to us. However, the degree of your spiritual awakening,
as well as the stage of your human life experience, will determine whether you will accept the revealed
truth or ignore it.

Exercise 10
Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who Am I?
2. What comes to me that I would do naturally?
3. What is the main determining factor in my life decisions?
4. Why do I often not understand my own decisions and related mistakes?
5. What contributed to the fact that I am in the life situation I am?
6. What stage in my life am I at?
7. What will happen to me and my life, if one day it turns out that everything that I ever thought was
real turns out to be actually an illusion?
8. Am I ready to open us to the truth about myself?

Take time to answer these questions. I would recommend going into a meditative state with hands folded
in prayer. Bring them closer to your heart and ask yourself each question. Take the time and be patient
with yourself. Eventually the answer will come.

CHAPTER 12
“EVERYTHING IN THE SPIRIT’S
FLOW”
“One who knows the truth never laments nor desires anything in this world. He is equal to all,
always happy and united with God”
-Bhagavad Gita As it Is

Follow your Heart, it knows the Truth

For a few more days after my return from Portugal, a purifying and calming, positive energy
vibration created during the ceremonies still surrounded me. Every evening, I prepared my little ritual
with candles, incense sticks, a Tibetan bowl, and, most of all, music that gave the right atmosphere.
As the music played the most important role, I dedicated time to focus on selecting the right one.
I wanted to create a list that would help me move to this sacred space which was my inner world.
During my search, I unexpectedly came across a song from the Ayahuasca ceremony. As I
mentioned in an earlier chapter, the song had an amazing magical effect on me. The title of the song is
“Enjoy in Krishna”. It’s quite an unusual melody that puts you in a trance, and a mysterious text, (in the
second oldest language in the world – Sanskrit) releases love and brings a feeling of unity in you.
Each time I listened to it, the song took me to another dimension. In such a deep trance, I could
disconnect from the so-called reality and enjoy the pulsating-swirling energy flowing through my body
and around the spine.
One evening, during the ritual, I had a revelation. I felt a powerful urge to find a Krishna temple.
Therefore, the same evening I entered the Google search: “Krishna’s temple in London” and this is how I
found myself in the Krishna Temple the next day.
From the very first moment, I had the feeling that I was in the right place. People were
unbelievably polite and helpful. They showed me around the Temple and advised me to stay for one of
the afternoon programs scheduled for that day.
The Monk leading the class was incredibly wise and well-read. Everything he talked about made
sense and he even answered many of my questions.
Interested in his teachings, I asked about the book he was using in class and of them, he kindly
gave me the Bhagavad Gita. As I read at home, I realized that the teachings contained were very clear and
appealing to me. Moreover, I could identify with them.

Prayer is the cure for everything

With each day spent in the temple, my fascination with this philosophy grew. So the more time I
spent there, the more I felt that it was where I belonged. Each afternoon, I participated in the common
prayers, and chanted the Hare Krishna mantra along with the other devotees. There was some magic
happening during this “ritual”. The mantra always filled my heart with love and I left at peace. No matter
how bad I felt that day, the mantra took away the pain, sorrow, and suffering in a lightning speed.
After the prayer, one of the monks led the afternoon program where he read and discussed a
passage from the Bhagavad Gita. Due to the relatively small area of the temple, we all sat in a semicircle.
During the class, we could ask questions, discuss them together, and express our opinions. It was
something new to me that I had never experienced in the Church. The possibility of interaction created an
opportunity to open up and share my views. This made me understand how much I already knew. I
wondered, however, how did I know all this?
 The philosophy of Krishna Consciousness differs from the beliefs and traditions of the Catholic
Church. And yet, this philosophy was much closer to my heart. So as you can imagine, I wanted to
understand this rather, its unusual bond and the origin.
But the more I identified with this philosophy, the more anxiety grew within me. I often
wondered what am I going to tell my family?! They are all Catholics. I actually was most afraid of my
father’s reaction. Yet, I couldn’t suppress my interest in this beautiful philosophy and resist the inner need
to be in the temple. So, I continued my daily meetings, where I also met many amazing people. I attended
most of the organized activities, both in the afternoon and evening. I also continued chanting the Hare
Krishna mantra, which proved to be the most effective remedy for pain, anxiety, and attachment.
One afternoon, just before the program, a friend of mine who had always been very helpful and
obliging, noticed that something was bothering me. And so, she offered me a chat. I knew I could trust
her; she was the first person I met there. Manjari Gopika always talked about Krishna passionately,
encouraging me to devote more time to studying.
The worst thoughts were in my head, thoughts like that—I will distance myself from my family
in case they don’t support my choice. So, I confided my fears to her. She looked at me with a smile and
said: “Don’t rush to any decision, and wait. With God’s help, everything will be fine, trust the
process. Don’t be afraid, but focus on prayer and God will surely arrange everything for your
benefit. Instead of looking at the differences between you and your family, focus on love and give
them love. Seeing you happy, they’ll also accept your choice.” Her words cheered me up. Listening
to her advice, instead of focusing on my fears and anxiety, I focused on studying Vedic literature and
implementing it in my daily life.

Unconscious transformation

To my surprise, from day to day and from week to week, all my worries disappeared. Prayer has
become my daily routine, and it has brought amazing results and wonderful changes in my life. My entire
life has undergone a metamorphosis that I never expected. Every day I found out something new about
myself. Suddenly, everything was clear and accessible. I understood why my life turned out this way and
not otherwise. I realized how much I had missed over the years, believing that my family had never loved
me. This time looking, I saw what I couldn’t see before—as if I closed my physical eyes and looked with
the eyes of the soul. I was able to experience feelings I had not felt before. All locks have been unlocked.
The world took on colors. Instead of seeing the spread of evil and conspiracy in the society, I felt human
pain and confusion. I realized how close we all are and how much we should support each other.
The more love I felt in my heart, the more love emanated from me. For the first time, I was able
to talk openly about my feelings, the past, and the traumas associated with it, without feeling a victim,
which allowed me to heal old wounds.
 I owe most of my transformation to Ayahuasca. However, the greatest changes, revolutions, and
discoveries took place when I reached God and deepened our bond through prayer.

Three months after my retreat, I got an email from Portugal with a list of songs from both ceremonies.
This was my answer:

Dear,

Thank you very much for your email.

You made me smile. I’ll be honest with you, both “Enjoy in Krishna” and “Gayatri Mantra” by
Deva Premal got stuck in my head. After returning to London, I found them with no problems.
Also, on this occasion, I will share with you my experiences with one of these songs.
One evening, I prepared a small meditation ceremony. The song “Enjoy in Krishna” was playing
in the background and my body swayed from side to side. I couldn’t control my movements
because of the incredibly wonderful feeling of love, care, and delight.
During meditation, I connected with my soul who was whispering “Hare Krishna Temple”. I
have decided that I need to find this temple in London. The next day I went there as if I knew
where I was going.
From the very first moment, I had the feeling that I was in the right place. The people were
incredibly polite and helpful. They showed me around the temple and advised to stay for one of
the programs scheduled that afternoon.
The Monk leading the class was extremely wise and well-read. Everything he said made sense
and even answered many of my questions. One of them kindly gave me the Bhagavad Gita, which
they used during the class. Reading at home, I realized that it was intended for me to go to this
Temple and meet these people.
From that day, I visit this place every day. I fully understand who I am and what my life purpose
is. I have deepened my relationship with God, which resulted in these wonderful miracles that
come to me endlessly. I distance myself from toxic places and people.
I also quit my toxic job to continue studying Vedic books and perfecting all the skills and gifts
that I had received at the Ayahuasca ceremony in Portugal.
I chant the Maha-mantra every day. My life has absolutely changed in every way. I died and was
born again in the same lifetime, in the same physical body with a new perspective and
understanding.—how wonderful this is!
I awoke this inner wisdom and healing energies, given to us by God in this and many previous
lifetimes.
Now, I know that my mission in life is to help fallen souls find their truth, heal them, and take
back on the path leading to their Nature and God.
I am fully prepared to take what life brings and learn all possible healing methods to help those
in need.

I really hope to see you all soon and maybe we could work together to save the needy!!!

With love and blessings,

Izabela

Be careful who you trust

Through my own experiences and teachings, I finally came to know and understand God. Today,
knowing the truth, I partially understand why many people have moved away from the church.
Unfortunately, most times, regardless of where on earth, churches have become involved in the country’s
politics. Many spiritual representatives run businesses selling the word of God, basking in gold and
splendor, living a rich life.
Churches have introduced their commandments and rules of conduct. They present God as the
punisher. Spreading the concept of hell and heaven as a reward for dignified life or as a punishment for
sins has created a fear of death in mankind. People are afraid of old age and don’t want to die. This has
also led to the fact that people are frantically looking for methods of rejuvenation, above all taking care of
the needs of the body, while ignoring the needs of the soul.

Where are you on your journey?

Nevertheless, dear friend, I want you to find out the truth, but before I present it to you, I want you to
recognize where you belong.

Perhaps you
• still trust that life is a continual routine. School Education, Studies, Work, Possible Career,
Family, Old Age, Illness, and Death-End of Our Existence?!
 • are a natural-born warrior, and therefore you seek a conspiracy in everything that happens in
the world, fighting for the entire nation to save the world from destruction?!
• are still looking for your place and trying to fill the void with material goods and a career?!
• don’t recognize God and don’t believe in his existence. Instead, you claim to be God,
focusing solely on your own needs, exaggeratingly taking care of your external appearance.
Enjoying a wealthy life by selling your artificial appearance and privacy to gain fame and
recognition?!
• are one of those who don’t believe in your abilities and success, blaming others for your life
failures and misfortune. You still pray to God to give you a dignified life, at the same time
sinning by being hypocritical and greedy?!
• are the one who never listens to your intuition/gut feeling. Instead, you allow others to decide
about your fate. Never giving yourself a chance for self-knowledge, understanding and self-
realization?!
• are the one who is open to the world and science. The one who is seeking the Truth. The one
who loves people and wants to unite. The one who believes and trusts in God. The one who,
despite pain and suffering, doesn’t lose hope for a better tomorrow. The one who believes
that someday everything will make perfect sense. Are you still fighting for equality, justice,
and truth, sharing your love and light?!
• Or maybe you are the one somewhere in between and not sure what to believe and where life
is taking you. You are confused. You think you know something but you are scared to share
your opinion, therefore you are unfulfilled and partially unhappy?!

We are all on a spiritual journey. Considering the level of our awareness, we can assign ourselves to a
specific stage. The number 7 is very significant in the spiritual world. For this, I have outlined for you the
seven most important stages of spiritual awakening. Everything is very individualistic. It depends on
where you are at the moment; therefore don’t try to fit in.
If you don’t resonate with everything listed in a specific group, but the symptoms are predominant,
you are still in this stage. Also, some stages may overlap and symptoms felt at different times.
Probably for many of you, it is something completely new. Therefore, my advice is not to fight it, but
rather to accept the process. Deliberate delay can manifest itself in the form of physical pain and
disturbances in the perception of reality, which often result in mental disorders.

Stages of Spiritual Awakening

STAGE 1
1# Sudden loss of interest in social activities and events.
2# Unhappiness and despondency.
3# Need for isolation from the outside world.
4# Being disconnected from God.
5# Feelings of being lost, and mental confusion.
6# Feeling alone and not belonging to any place.

STAGE 2
7# Shift in perspectives.
8#Search for meaning in every situation, obstacle, challenge, as well as in the person who is put on our
path.
9# Becoming more sensitive to other people’s energies.

STAGE 3
10# Questioning your existence and the life purpose.
11# More mental confusion and depression.
12# Possible physical pains (stiff neck, lower back pain, tight chest, numbness, headaches, IBS, etc).
13# Feeling overwhelmed by all the accumulated material things.
14# Avoiding people having bad intentions.
15# Avoiding gossips, criticism, and judgment towards others.
16# Beginning of meditation/ yoga practice.

STAGE 4
17# Finding the answers and experiencing breakthroughs.
18# Deepening your meditation practice.
19# Listening to the inner voice (Intuition).

STAGE 5
20# Disillusionment and feeling lost again.
21# Seeing things as they are.
22# Increase in empathy and emotional sensitivity.

STAGE 6
23# Deepening inner work.
24# Re-connecting with God, Nature, or the Higher-self.
25# Sense of belonging and unity.
26# Self-discovery.
27# Breaking the old cycles and shifting energies.
27a# Letting go of old patterns and the way of thinking.
28# Discovering your own Truth—taking action towards a life purpose.

STAGE 7
29# Integration, liberation, expansion, bliss, and joy.
30# Every taken action is of service to humanity.
31# Love, kindness, and compassion become the greatest values -> Oneness.

EXERCISE 11
Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Where am I in life?
2. What does spiritual awakening mean to me?
3. How is my relationship with other living beings?
4. What other beings mean to me?
5. How is my relationship with God?
6. What does God mean to me?

Take time to answer these questions. I would recommend going into a meditative state with hands folded
in prayer. Bring them closer to your heart and ask yourself each question. Take the time and be patient
with yourself. Eventually the answer will come.
 CHAPTER 13
“ T H E L AW O F O N E ”

“Offering proof or imposing the truth on a person in such a way that he or she will be forced to
accept it will have n use of effect on his vibratory rate – spiritual growth” - Ra

Consider if you want the universe to be Infinite

This has not yet been proven or disproved, but I can assure you that there is no end to your
understanding of what you would call your journey in search or perception of creation.
What is infinite can’t be many, for multiplicity is a finite concept. Hence, you must identify or
define infinity as one; otherwise, the term has no reference or meaning.
There is no right or wrong—polarity doesn’t exist.
Know that it is everyone’s choice as an alternative to understanding the complete unity of thought
that binds all things together.
You are not talking about similar or somewhat like entities or things. You are everything, every
being, every emotion, every event, every situation. You are one. You are infinity. You are love and light.
This is what the Law of One means.” —Ra

One Truth – We Are One

There is only one truth. No matter who you are and where you come from, we are all inherent
parts of God (Creator, Source of all, Universe, Consciousness, Spirit, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Christ, and
more). You can even be an atheist; you still come from the same source. We’re all connected.
The only difference between us is there in the stage of our spiritual journey. Some things may
seem difficult to understand or make no sense at all. Since your individual experiences differ completely
from those of others, you will not always find understanding in everyone you meet in your life. We all
went through many lifetimes before taking this body. Considering all incarnations from previous lives, we
all have different karma. With each new life, we have new lessons to learn, depending on what life we
have lived before and whether we have learned the assigned lessons. Therefore, according to our karma,
we have to go through certain situations in life to learn these lessons.
Depending on where and at what stage you ended your last life, after the death of your physical
body, your soul takes another body and continues its evolution. And so on repeatedly until you fully
liberate from your karma. Until you learn all the lessons, you won’t experience full enlightenment and
self-realization. But most of all, you understand that you completely depend on God because you are part
of him. Monks call this stage Samadhi; it is the ultimate stage in human evolution. This stage is very
difficult to accept or understand at the beginning stages.
Samadhi means “to place together”. This term refers to the state in which the subject and object
come together into one. It is an ecstatic state in which a limited sense of individuality disappears.
Therefore, Samadhi is the final step before final liberation, or yoga (union with God). This state is most
often referred to as ecstasy, unconditional bliss, or complete awareness.

Stages of our Evolution

7 CHAKRAS = 7 DENSITIES
1ST DENSITY – Basic elements of matter. The level of consciousness corresponds to a simple existence.
2nd DENSITY – Awareness -> Plants and Animals
3RD DENSITY – Lessons on Free will. Self-Awareness -> Density of Choice of Polarity -> Humans.
4TH DENSITY – Lessons on Love and Understanding; Social-Memory-Complex-Emerges -> Humans
in materially lighter bodies; denser in consciousness.
5TH DENSITY – Lessons on Wisdom and Willpower. Extremely free density for learning both within a
Social-Memory-Complex and Individually -> Human in light bodies.
6TH DENSITY – Lessons on Insights. Unity of Compassion and Wisdom, Social-Memory-Complex
greatly desires to serve other parts of the Creation -> Human as light itself.
7TH DENSITY – Formless consciousness; Life-changing insight; Being; Regardless of present
circumstances; Detachment; Transcendence.

What does density mean?

Density refers to the amount of mass (energy) in a very given space. To our understanding,
“mass” is truly information (consciousness), and “space” is a measure of how the information relates.
Connectivity is the interactive “closeness” of all things, just as closeness in our physical world is the
location;
We understand each threshold of consciousness as a vibration level. The higher the vibration, the
more you’ll be able to experience. By understanding the powers and limitations of every energy level, we
will better understand the beings we come into contact with besides our collective evolution as a human
society. We also better understand ourselves and therefore the physical mechanisms that frame our higher
self and our connection.

Each living being (plant, animal, and human) goes through personal evolution. Considering that
we are eternal and infinite, neither of us knows how many hundreds, thousands, millions, or trillions of
years it took us to evolve to where we are today. That’s why it’s so important to focus on what’s here and
now.
Nevertheless, as a man, we have an encoded memory of past events. You’ll probably agree that in
many cases it’s the major factor blocking humanity from further development. So I suggest that you look
at your past as needed experiences and lessons to support your further evolution. The fact that we undergo
certain situations in life, such as, get to know people, lose them, move, search, teach, learn should support
our evolution. As I discussed earlier, there are no bad and good things, everything is an illusion created by
our mind. A more developed human with a much higher level of consciousness can see things as they are.
Spiritually advanced beings accept everything as it is, without naming or judging. Pain or suffering is
merely a creation of the mind taught to recognize feelings and name them. How people behave towards
themselves and others is an indicator of their development (level of consciousness). Beings at higher
levels of evolution will always support those at the lower levels. Why? Going back to the density table,
the higher the level of density, the purer is the heart and therefore the greater is the understanding and
love towards living beings. This is our nature.

I’m here to preach the truth without giving you proof.

Everyone has the free will to decide whether to believe it or not.
Offering proof or imposing the truth on a person in such a way that he or she will be forced to
accept it will have no use or effect on his vibratory rate (spiritual growth).

EXERCISE 12
Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What consciousness / being conscious means to me?

2. How do I treat other beings?
3. How do I see other beings?
4. Do I live in the past?
5. Do I judge every situation/ person?—if so, why?
6. How far am I in my evolution process?
7. What unity means to me?
Take time to answer these questions. I would recommend going into a meditative state with hands folded
in prayer. Bring them closer to your heart and ask yourself each question. Take the time and be patient
with yourself. Eventually the answer will come.

CHAPTER 14
“DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE:
W H AT L O V E R E A L LY M E A N S ? ”
Inspired by Paramahamsa Nithyananda, “Living enlightenment”

The science says that thoughts arise in the brain and feelings in the heart. Thus, love is an
intense experience in one’s heart.

A good deal of people might think love is a choice. We think experience and expression of love is
a choice. We believe that if we only want to, we can handle love, or simply let it go.—well, the truth is
that what we feel it is, is definitely not a choice. Love is a necessity of life. When I say life, I don’t mean
just being alive, but being alive in full consciousness. This is the only way to experience and express love.
So, love is the ultimate experience of a human being. —Trust me! When this happens, you cannot possess
the feeling; instead, the feeling will possess you.

How do you recognize that you are in Love and your feelings are real?

When Love possesses you, everything looks just beautiful; it sounds like poetry to your ears, and
instead of walking, you will float or dance. Your body language will radiate grace and light. Every deed
will be of great service to humanity.
When you are deeply in love, you feel ready to face any extremes for the sake of anybody. You
are ready to cross any boundary, as there is nothing to lose within your existence. You are wild and open
to the unknown. All your insecurities simply start disappearing. You are prone to make risky decisions
because you know that you have nothing to lose.
Love gives us an incredible amount of courage and energy. It finally makes you available to
yourself. We should understand that we cannot force love to happen just with a logical decision.
We were born as loving beings; thus, our mental setup should always focus on becoming love,
and our actions should only speak of love. Our existence should radiate a love that is beyond logic.
However, as human beings, we all became like philosophers. We try to explain and understand everything
we are experiencing, instead of letting it simply be.
Life is not a philosophy!—It is a spontaneous flowing energy. Everything is changing every
moment! Still philosophy is steadiness and repetition of same patterns in slightly different ways. But
when you look at life, life is fresh in every moment. Philosophy robs freshness of life. We are living stuck
in patterns of the past. —Don’t you think?—It is a fact! We rarely focus on the present moment, so when
anything new happens, we become fearful.
Most of the time, we are analyzing, calculating what we can get from a person or situation. Our
mind functions either through fear and greed. It is continuously seeking for any possible benefit to feed
our egoistic pleasure or desire.
As we grow, society instills fear and greed in us, so we orient our love based on greed and fear.
This way, it is no longer causeless love—it is love for a reason. Then, we start to feel other emotions like
jealousy, anxiety, and anger.
So, as you can understand with philosophy, there is no room for love to settle in its existential
state. You need to allow the feeling to grow in its existential state in your inner space. Allow it to happen
in your heart, and not in the head.
Stay with the heart, only then it will grow and happen.

“What was once a failure within the head can become a success within the heart?”

Love is a genuine achievement of the heart that every individual should experience. It is so easy
to lock yourself in your head since we all need to feel safe and familiar with things. It requires courage to
come down to the heart because everything there is new and fresh. We follow familiar patterns and we
identify with them—that is when we are living ruled by our mind. While living ruled by the heart, there is
no identity and no patterns. The heart is an open space filled with emotions. It takes so much bravery to
get into it. That is why many people fear love.

“If the Earth is a grand ocean, we are all part of it”.

It means that we relate to each other. But when you think of yourself as an individual drop, you
feel separate in your boundary and your emotions. This is what we call “False Ego”. Then, we become
driven by attachment to “I” and “mine”. If you remain in separation, you will not experience the power
of love. On the other hand, when you feel as a part of the ocean, I can guarantee you that you will
experience blissfulness. This is possible only when you know how to love and trust.
When you are thinking with your heart, most of the time you will say ‘Yes’, but when you are
thinking with your mind, you say ‘No’ as you lack trust. —You can only experience bliss when your
heart says ‘YES’, and ‘NO’ doesn’t exist.
Love is like being in flow with all existence. Every moment is incredibly ecstatic, and you trust in
the cosmic plan. When you expect nothing in exchange, just “being” is enough. It is such a joy to simply
exist and flow.
However, to feel the joy of being, we need to become more sensitive and vulnerable. Only when
you become more sensitive, you will grow the feelers of love. Then, life is no longer made of independent
thoughts but becomes a continuous feeling. The Ego dissolves. Once you have moved from thinking to
feeling, there is only a brief step and that is from feeling to being.

The first step to move from thinking to feeling can be very challenging since our false Ego trained the
mind to analyze every situation and possible outcome; while the second step comes almost automatically.

“So how do we get out of thinking and move to feeling?”

Follow your heart!—Love more and more with each day. Feed your heart with emotions. Spend
time in nature and re-connect with every living being. Observe with full awareness. Look deep into the
eyes.

Praise it! Feel it on a deep level!

Expand your consciousness and experience every little detail of existence with deep love. Then,
you will notice how the Ego slowly loses its hold and finally disappears.
“The only barrier to love is FEAR”

With love, we often become fearful, fearful of the unknown. This threatens our Ego.—the fear we
feel is nothing but the fear of the dissolving Ego.
Don’t worry - just let it be there. If you will ignore it, it will eventually leave you.
When you love existence, it responds to you in wonderful ways. You rise above all the
surrounding differences. Everything merges into unity. - We become ‘one’. Love is the only thing that
can make you realize the Truth!

“Love is the original religion. It is the root of spirituality. - It is like the roots that lie beneath
the ground but provide the nourishment for life. Without the root, the whole tree dies”

Love is your inner power! You can rise to the ultimate heights with it. Everything is possible with
love because love has enough strength to transform itself into goodness. The deeper we dive into love, the
closer we come to the feeling.
For some reason, human love has traces of possessiveness and jealousy. The biggest problem we
are facing nowadays is the lack of self-love and low self-esteem.
Society teaches us rather how to be envious of others instead of how to love ourselves and accept
for the person who we are. You need to understand that there is no better or worse person since we all
come from the same source.
It means that we are all equal. Know that unless you love yourself, you cannot love another
person. At some point, we developed the belief that we can only love ourselves if we have a reason.
Otherwise, every time we fail at something, we doubt or hate ourselves. And so, we apply the same logic
to others.
When you don’t love yourself, you become cynical and pessimistic towards life.
Often, when others SHOW you their love, you feel guilty and unworthy because you feel that you
don’t deserve to be loved. On the other hand, when people simply love you; you don’t feel guilty or
unworthy because as they love you, you love yourself too. Then you are ready to give and receive love.
There is also a different type of love when it comes to passion. Deeply passionate about
something, you let yourself lose yourself in love in each moment.
No matter what sort of passion you have, you should detach yourself from the results of the work
you put into it. But if you are expecting any fruits of your work, then be noticeably clear you are not lost
in love. Instead, you create more and more bondage with the results of your work.
Love is so powerful, that will make you respond and relate to others without them opening to
you. You will feel deeply connected with them.
Suddenly, you feel connected with every living being. You trust your intuition and let your inner
voice guide you throughout life.

“Encounter any situation in life with deep love and soon you will become pure love”

Don’t mix up respect with love. Respect makes you feel separate from the person whom you give
respect, it somehow raises fear in you. And love plants the seeds of joy and unity in you. It makes you
feel connected with the person.
With love, there is respect as well as deep understanding. Respect does not require any
understanding—it somehow creates distance between you and another. Love bridges the distance.
Showing respect is easy, but it is not real.

“With love, respect is automatic and authentic. With pure respect, the appearance of love is
forced and may never be authentic”
 Sadly, very often love is confused with respect. From a young age, children are brought up to
always show respect but rarely to express love.

“We need to understand that relationships can happen causelessly, without any reason. Only
then we will understand that the experience of love is much more important than the object of
love. You must have at least one relationship in your life that exists for no reason. If you don’t
have such a relationship, be truly clear that even if you have money, deep down you are still
poor.”

In real life, we always look to express our love towards others in some material way. Only if love
is demonstrated in the material form, it is considered love nowadays.

“True love is like a communion. It is a kind of resonance between two beings.”

It doesn’t need communication because it is already happening as a communion. If you love

someone, then your body language will show it. It will be too much to express in words. You feel that any
words are inadequate and will only bring down the love that you feel. But if you are using words, then
somewhere the love has not really happened. When you must speak to express love, then your love is just
an illusion. You are using the words just to decorate the illusion. Real love liberates because it does not
compel you to express it all the time. It is what it is—just. Genuine love also gives you the freedom to
freely express what you want to express, and no matter what you say, it will not be mistaken for reduced
love. If proper feelings are there, no relationship can become boring.

“When you have this love, your inner space is such that there is no logical reason for your
actions. You will just feel connected and you radiate love, that’s all!”

In love, there are no conditions, expectations, or attachments. If you love, you love without a
reason. Your love is not just within a relationship but towards yourself and every living being. Only this
attitude will lead you to permanent internal happiness.

CHAPTER 15
“WHY DO WE NEED ILLUSION,
CONFUSION AND SUFFERING?”
 “Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the
frequencies of those around you when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather
than receiving an imprint from existence”
-Jean Arp

I decided to make this chapter a summary of my book. Since you know my story, I want to be with you
who I really am. No more pretending; wearing a mask; and no more trying to fit in. Also, no more
following the society and participating in collective fear. I don’t believe anymore in suffering and pain,
which are only products of our imagination. It’s time to get out of the illusion.

Attachment is your worst Enemy

The name given to you on your birthday is to make you recognizable. Human beings have limited
themselves by labeling material existence, but what’s worse is that you are identifying with them. “ My
home, My husband, My coffee, My diet, Me-I-Mine”, etc.
The more you become attached to something, the more you identify with it, the more suffering
you will experience when you suddenly lose it. Therefore, when something is taken away from people,
they immediately get distressed. As if they lost a part of themselves.
From my research and observations, I noticed that it takes about a hundred days for people to
overcome something and get used to the new. Unfortunately, there are cases when it takes years to
completely let go of someone or something. Attachment is one of the mind’s worst traits and enemies.
While experiencing human life, I noticed that my attachment to things was rather temporary.
Until I realized that something was taking over me. But once I realized it, I immediately removed it from
my life because it was causing problems. However, know that I don’t want you to avoid things or people,
but rather advise you to find and understand the reason for your attachment to it. On the other hand, if we
are talking about affection, it is something even I have struggled with. We recognize every situation by
attaching a feeling to it.
When someone dies, we are sad. When someone is celebrating, we are happy. When we lose
something, we are angry, disappointed, sad, etc.

For example, someone has died. I didn’t know this person, but since it’s a funeral and everyone is sad, so
am I. This is how we created an illusory life.

The death of your physical body doesn’t mean you are dying. The soul is eternal, so after the
death of Izabela’s body, the spirit (I) will take another body and/or depending on karma will go to higher
planets.

Simple explanation: before you came into this world, you had no name. Your parents gave it to you. As
a child, you have a child’s body, then a youth’s body, then an adult’s body, and then an older body. This
means that the only thing that changes is your cover (body), while the person inside remains the same.

Your mind may develop over time, therefore you gain more knowledge. You also supposed to
become more mature with age. What doesn’t change is the fact that the basic needs of the mind are the
same. You can change your environment, diet, body shape, friends, home, etc, but your basic needs won’t
change. The need for food, sleep, sex, security is only the necessity of the Ego (mind).
Considering your stage of evolution, your needs may remain the same or change. Those who wish
to advance to higher spiritual realms will have higher spiritual needs that will fulfill above all.
And yet, those who merely wish to satisfy these four basic needs are third-density human beings who
often behave like animals. If you look at animals, the basic needs are the same (eating, sleeping,
copulating, and survival). Both groups are pleasure seekers with very limited awareness. Unfortunately,
they are very easy to manipulate. Therefore, their awareness must be raised so that they can evolve to a
higher density. And here comes the problem. Since they don’t want to develop and raise their vibrations,
nothing and no one can help them speed up this process as they have the right to choose.

Material Nature consists of three modes

Based on my human experience and examination, I understood the basic mistakes people make
daily. I would like to support my statement with the amazing Vedic literature that perfectly describes the
illusion.
We classify human beings into three disparate groups depending on their level of consciousness.
The Bhagavad Gita describes these groups as three modes (goodness, passion, and ignorance).

In the case of the mode of ignorance, the most common characteristics are judgment, greed,
attachment, envy, anger, lust, lack of clarity. People who live in ignorance are ruled by a false Ego. There
is no desire for self-development, love, and God. On the contrary, the ignorant person has no faith or any
desire to serve others but himself. These people are lazy, depressed, not interested in any spiritual
activities. They sleep for long hours, get drugged, and overeat. They also believe that they are mortal,
therefore they often fearing death. Yet they work day and night, collecting money as if they were short of
money. Such people are blind and completely don’t understand the purpose of life.
 The mode of passion is born of unlimited desires and longings. It is characterized by
attractiveness between the sexes. And as passion increases in strength, longing for material enjoyment
develops. This group of people wants to enjoy sense gratification.

For example, High position in work/society; wants to have a happy family/life; enjoy good health, etc.

However, to fulfill these desires, they have to work hard day and night. This also causes them to
become attached to the fruits of their actions and thus become bound by them. Never satisfied with the
positions they have already gained, they always want to increase their position.

“More, More, Faster, Faster, Better, Better”.

As stated in the Bhagavad Gita, we consider modern civilization to be advanced in the mode of
passion.

The mode of goodness conditions one to happiness. People in this mode have developed
knowledge but became conditioned by the concept of happiness. They are not so much affected by
material miseries. However, this group of people, due to their greater knowledge, often consider
themselves better than others. In other words, they are still attached to the material world.
One of many qualities of goodness is the desire for spiritual development because they have a
better understanding of the purpose of our existence.
I believe it was important to mention this because many people are lost and don’t understand their
position in life.

Self-Realization

I trust that the life I led before was perfectly arranged by God. Thanks to all the events, I gained
the necessary skills and knowledge in certain areas, so that I could support you in your journey. I also
realized that each of my experiences made me listen to my intuition. This allowed me to bring out my
inner wisdom and gradually remind me of important skills learned in previous lives. There are many
things that I just know and understand, and I know that none of the books I have read taught me this. The
knowledge was just always there. People often say, “I felt it”, “I just knew it”; “Something tells me
…”; “I feel…” and yet they never focus on finding the source of such wonderful intuition. Rather, they
ignore it.
Just to Recap

The world has created many things to distract us from going within. Obstacles, poverty,
difficulties, and limitations are also the creation of man. Conspiracy, ill intentions, thievery, it’s all real.
Evil exists and manifests itself in everyday life in the form of people who don’t appreciate our Mother
Nature and are littering the environment with waste. They are poisoning the water, injecting, and
modifying the food to feed their brothers and sisters. This way man also created disease.
Everything that God created is perfect because he is perfect and as we are an integral part of him,
we are also perfect. Therefore, we are here to remind you of your nature and together repair what has
been damaged.
Openness to knowledge and change is half the battle. The other half is letting yourself unlearn
what you once learned. Start from scratch and learn a new way of thinking, behaving, reacting just by
being. No judgment, no labels, no restrictions, no unhappiness. Instead, accept the things as they are.
Without knowing the illusion, there is no chance of recognizing reality. Without suffering, there
is no chance of changing for the better. Without confusion, there is no way to seek clarity. We have to
allow ourselves to fully trust in the process and flow in a natural rhythm.
Everyone has been assigned duties. That’s why one should be responsible and do your job. In
turn, by fulfilling the duties entrusted to you, you should be able to meet all needs and provide for himself
and his family. Knowing your position in life as well as knowing yourself will help you achieve a
balanced life.
Achieving inner peace automatically means living in peace with others. This way we’ll be able to
raise together the vibration of the planet, at the same time collectively transcend to higher realms.
There is no reason to complain, be envious of others, or angry and frustrated. There is a solution
to every situation—no matter how bad your situation is. Remember, you are the co-creator of your reality.
We can naturally manifest things into our lives. Therefore, be aware of your thoughts and feelings as they
will immediately manifest themselves in reality.
The void in your heart is the absence of God. Material desires are only temporary artificial
happiness. You can only achieve the highest happiness by surrendering to God by serving others. What
do I mean by service to others? —Good, selfless deeds; offering help, dedicating your time to others
without expectations; unconditional and selfless love for all creatures; treating everyone equally; being
kind, compassionate, understandable and caring.
Be ready to work on yourself and face your demons. Since everyone is at a different stage, they
may test you many times. Don’t get provoked by anyone, stay in love instead, because only love can heal.
Don’t crowd your feelings, but instead talk openly about them and try to understand them. Look
for a deeper meaning in your life, no matter who you are or what you do. You can be a mother,
grandfather, sister, father, doctor, or policeman. These are just labels. We are one, so don’t get confused
with all these false identities. Take off all those masks and breathe deeply. Know this feeling when you
are your true self.
We are all capable of miracles. If God is the Creator and we are part of him, then we are co-
creators. It means that we have the innate ability to heal and regenerate the Body-Mind-Soul complex.
Therefore, it is important to always listen to the needs of our body and soul above the mind.
Remember, no matter how many times you hit the rock bottom, every time you think you have
lost, you have actually gained. The only thing you can regret is that you have refrained from taking risks
and blocked the way forward. Knowing that you are eternal while making the best of this life is the only
way to advance to the higher realms. This way you will close the cycle of birth-death and rebirth, and end
suffering.
During the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I saw people suffering terribly. And when asked about their
experiences the next day, they couldn’t put it into words. Many of them saw their past incarnations only
to see the reason they are suffering in this life.

For example, one of the participants was possessed by Evil. During the session, he screamed terrifyingly
how much he suffers from the pain of all his ancestors. As it turned out later, he had very rough karma
that kept coming back with each new life and so on until he broke the cycle and corrected his behavior.

It may be hard to believe, but the causes of your suffering are closely related to the way you lived
in previous lives. And even if you don’t remember your past lives, there is still a chance that in trying to
understand your suffering so far, you will discover something that may turn out to be a breakthrough. The
life you are experiencing now is just a continuation of your journey.
The only way to improve your life and get rid of karma is to become the best version of yourself.
However, it should be done through your willingness to make an effort to work on yourself. I will not try
to convince you to believe me. Nor will I give you any proof. You decide whether you want to change
your life or stay where you are. I can only encourage you to give it a try, as this is the only way to find out
if it is true or not.