polysecure Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy Jessica Fern with @ Foreword by Eve Rickert ond Nore Semoran PRAISE FOR POLYSECURE ‘anyone even considering normanagemy would beneft fom reading Paes Jessica Farm does an excller ob of not oly explaining attachment teow and a leah eins ee ip a “The i rauices teasing er people in open mlationahips and should Re used ae sexbookfor every therapist tho werks with peop in polramaroustlatorships ‘Kathy Labriola, counsel, nurse and author of The Paar Becky Book The Jelousy Workbook ard Loven Abundance Paecu sve aeople a way to understand hw they maybe recreating old pt ‘ems by bringing theron childhood attachment ses int their adit rebtion sence sis fr hove to ute this shies Ail: ich rp mi he lnovledge to create hater more satahing and secure lasonship dynamics” "—Mac Rivers, intimacy csch and ator of Loving Confit: How Confit Re Sly hgh il tin atone on cna weno the fst aefhelp book to fcus on apphing attachment theory to nonmonog ‘Dr Mepohn Bates autho of Rewriting the Rule: An Ant Sle Gide te Lae, Second Relatirshie 1 hla bent recommend this Bask t9 anyone inert in ae sccaptance are nasa el as hc ow cee wg ig bl evo sustainable, healthy mulipe relationships: Katy Chambly, reitiontip couch and author of foeuy Sunil Gude ow to Fel Sef Hopp ord See in a Oper Relation“A peat read or bath therapist tho eve people i consensually nonmonog mous relationships and nypeople who ae interested in what makes for secre a tachmants in such relationships” D1 Elsabeth She, author of The Poimorits Next Door, Stoves fom th Paul When Santon You Love Peismorsur an Chir in Poiaraus, Fees polysecurepolysecure ‘Astochment, Touma and Consensual Nenmenogamy Fem “Thoentree (AP) Pressoleate tachment, Tsuna and Consensual Nonmonogamny Copyrghe © 2020 by Jessie Fer. ll ighs reserved No par ofthis book may be sel repr omy nt citer without ia pote publisher except inthe case of bi quotations in ctialarcles and eviews 0. son 191 Poland. OR 37296 scsssithoraernress.com ional and ances! lard of the (Geok Sieh ele, cheng Be Cheek, Mart Seumnih nd uth tons Into design bye Werner Substantive eéting byAndrea Zann Conpading by Has! Royall Froteading by Heater van der Hoop ia Pore Ealing Bato a ares Fer, esa author, ‘Tele: Febssureatachment sur sd sansensal oneranogery | by Jet Descigtion: Porta) + Mhortree Pres. l2czel | Includes bibloeraphia ieee inde denser: LECN 2020008952 (pint) | LECN 2020009999 (ebook) | ISBHE 3781944934385 (paperbac) | ISBN 9781952123005 (kindle edition) | ISBN 9781944924906 (put) ISON g7Besaiaso pa) Subject LESH: Nonmarogamous relatorshipw-Prychologial arpecte. | ‘Atachment behavior. CCassieatin: LCC HQ38o Fay 2020 (print) | LCC HQ3H0 (ebo04) | DOC sos fas-ders 1c record avaiable at asco oc gouzoz9009992 Lc ebook record aulale at perm loc gor)3020009003 Digi edition noIn loving dedicasont Chr Karinska (19512008) ard my adn, Ma (0347-2014). user safe havens na sesure Boe that ue my ensi a aa oa ‘Shae Fas Asachment and Nonmonnein: ‘Ss Si: The Imeorians af Aachen in Sanasnauil Nonmonsea PART THREE \ChageeSevps Th Foundations of sing Pbscuefn'Your Relais ‘Shape ight. The HEARTS of Being Pobascure ‘Sater ine The Sie HEARTS Secure Atachmert wih Se ‘here Coisan Qitins nd Fn Toutswe “htNiine on ann ins men ong Si hia SP ae Poijamon: The Nw Love Wht Links were fst published in 1957 Both books broke nev ground an offre anew denty ard community fer nonmonagamous fom the perpecines of specie subeature, and thy id couldn) deal wth ‘he fll ange ofisuescorforted bythe ney poyamorous ‘Options beget pairs in the nt 2000, with backs like Opening Up and many lesterknow tle. These efired a wider rane of practical adic, but she tle Opening Up suggests. tis wave of poly practice presumed the cenality of rimary coupe and popularized a hearchial model in which primary partners were to have rights and sft that secondary or cnual ptiners were not granted to the same dees. nly pojamerous media rpietartaton trough shows like Plyamarsur: Moria na Doig Sern enforced he ee This uae the lind of acjamony nae intnduced to whan | rat Regan elaing ‘the ay 20008. The hrtchicl relationship atucturer that were the nor the online ils | frequented (and ney all media raresetaton of pohamon) Lept omn afte fing af zeae fered by monogany by protecting amactinent needs, and often meshing potent swcalles pinay reitionships. At the same tne, they did a cera job of hon tachment darptons forthe who wate in cutside a primar, usualy presumed to be nesting couple, whose bond was pre sumed io be more vad erwerthy of protection than the ahers opened up” Secondary Gil of Rights" caused a stir in online pobjamorous cles, and pro ‘ded secondary parrers with an important 0 to advocate fr their nee. Anche Norderen published “The Shor Instructional Manitesto for Reltionship Anstey’ in 2006, questioning the need fr resin! herarchis, and by the eal 20100, Increasing mumber of popula blogges—mary building om Nerdgrens werk were pushing for recognition of wider range of relationship sles, and in parti: athe melirt seonciry pine: ‘Then, in 2014, my co-author and | published More Thar Tae, atemping ods til he let decade's worth of deste eto an instructional manual at promised 2 ron nlarchisel, sire agltaran way of thinking shout pabararous retion poamarsusneopiate seep any he een ral supporing sructures of both monogamy and pohamorous hierarchy though, that toered in exchange fllahort. placed the onus of bling scutty almost feirly on the inivgua whe fe insecure. Despite the many pegle who were loa ythe Ron, thi inpropeste cus enutes har ane verso | pes understand there ws something missing in our Famer! jut de have the swore for wet Ccuture ie Nurerance Culture” shat began t hela me fd wade for what hae wor “hen Eve fit said blo in summer 2016, we ware both ling in East Vancouver My essay The Opposite of Rape Cure ls Nutuance Culture" had gone vial eat Mewting over iced sins at ite Ear Vance we ors around hee of code suite he his. ating @ more eal oad onthe chapter, he was loft cncouraga and concludes thet he and | ould never shine cure sch cet leew to do re il te nbaeeted wth bio | vas inialy surprised by this Decave when | eae the very sme section I had ean hope Wes | pauted ts conser why | hae auch = aiferen sake on he very same chap, I realized that my optimism did't actualy come from the au ‘hor’ encouragement, but beauoe |e ui to sf the uel fom the ules persgetve was iluminating fr ve becauce he was ight coulent the aati of te advised acts, what ere real ef ith? ‘round the same time, several of my onmonognmous lent also begen pretsing star gievancen. Like ore and Carey, they wanted sscutesactonent ith al of thei partners, but they fe demoralized and even pathologized when they read about atachment, They ware unable tod themselves or ft hersehes ‘ata menotseniy of esters on atnnmen sce teymee unc ts bata in many ofthe behaviors that expats resend as vague for secure ‘eltionships Eventhough as ale to tana, ft trough and fame wht subsets fom santiatrcrn bockcniat pigs lvord es i en ciara mires ty weed tite in mean that ethere—even highly intliget others lie Corey or my chents— ‘olor wot deamon fe, bene accane wind ‘entis not jut forthe monogamous. So, took on Corey'eand my dint under tandable ciecouragement a8 8 personal and professional challenge. | promises Cone that woulda st come up with ist of hinge hat we could do to cutvate | secure attachment tat didnt require us to le togethe, be exclusive or even be sch ethers srimary pater Tht lst ad ins ale whieh na sine ad 23 chit ook Thankyou, Corel Thankyou cents Many normonogamous people have secur loving, heathy reltionships with ubipe panera, and tis Boot it my ater a ling he lene of manogseyy ‘om attachment eretch zo that we cn aly al hs wondefl knowledge about urna connection ard bonding to a nonmonogarous corte. As Far 38 my a ‘eran | kno hee he fet Boots expla warlae the psincpiee of anach Ft One covers an overview of attachment theory and mums, In Chapter One, Toftrn general descigtion of utchrent they aed bow diferent cided > prrineze relate to the four diferent tachment ster thet people can dereop iovnsions ef amachrat sity and atachmantssigance ara more press ay 1 understand the our erent tachment sles | slo rare the atachrnent les based on ther stengthe and desires (ot just ther disfunction) high lpsting not iascurestachinant slag can sles be expressions of she hey irs foc autwtmay ad correc ht ate eypntancn oft tionship between attachment sila, Doundais andthe ging and receiving of love In Shaptse Ths, | present the nested model of auachment a sihich | developed further expand the way in cich we conceive and dacare ttachmert and trauma. Atachment and trauma occur ever mutipl levels or imensions ofr human expaianee and hee pore tece cifras levels an how they relate to attachment and au Far Too Isak ate serch afrenmanogamy and aaconens In Chanter | explain the dire renzrs why people engage in sonmonogamy and dee raite the diferent oer of ronmonagany bared on where people ident ther level of sexual eicusiviy oF ron-senual eicaivy intersecting with howcmotonaly exclusive o emotionally nomesve they ae: Chapa Eh reviews wha he cutrentatachrnt research 52 about ronmenogam, and | share my cat of tare heey ft a neurone price, Cne B I presen the abserators and imighs inte nanmanagamy and attachment shat ae gine fom my therapeutic ane coaching pracice. At he end ofthis chapter sappy deenered modal of stchonent on numa lent ome ft apc ard unique ways that people sho practice nonmonogemy eipeiance attachment rupture and aur a exch of the ciferer levels Pan Three sucker modes ine x oper practi lsat what you and your tc etd woe station vate bee repent ‘alionshipe Chater Seven aie yout gt lee sbout whether raat you ston bowed foratachmensbased relationships and than cavers what being #10 hover snd eeu ase ight ook ike for you an your paar. haasus Shand Nine {uid you through the meas of being goysecure—hi acronym articulates sx ships. Chapter Ch fcunes onthe HEART n HEART, looking # how you can em Jens or nti rcp oh wed aon Ye alain Chant Shin facta he secare thot ith Jo head ll craked aspect of stachment that el cil fr nonmonagamy. The back Loses with Chante Ten where | arswer some equety ase questions and fer ‘ny parting words. my ope tat hs book wil fer a broader shemative per {specie onthe aalemon ofsmacnment hears and thas more and more pase rove fonard ine she Fontes of nonmonogamy, thse monty uncharted tt toves willbe traversed ethical, lovingly, silly an, of cour, securelyPart One “The fist section ofthis book provides an overiew of attachment theory the our secure snd intcute snnchoent ayn he een dimensions ofeach, the nested model of stachment and trauma. The descriptions of the dierent tachrrent sts used inthis book have been adapte from and inspired by the wor af Diane Pale Heler Cane Siegel, Liss Frertan, Dial P rown, Man iadincer an Pillip. SheverAN OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT THEORY EAH ATIACHMENT 1 4 BEEP ONO and an enduring emotional closeness thet, connects pple one arotheracoss space and time? AS human infars, we ate bow ito his wold wth an tachment system hat Wes s Yo expect connection sth other. The ctor of attachment theory Jahn Soul, called this inate cexpecation the atochmentbohovirl ser ard eines hat itis one of sever tchavorlaystems that humans evaled fo ensure our sural A infants we crit yet mee any of our own needs. So inorder to suv, we hae to bond and sce avtsers who can preside uit food ana oheter a al at mening cour bislopcal and peicholaical needs for emotional atunerent arm tespan= iverass and calming physical touch. Popular parenting culture often call hi “inti” and rout bes nil prof aly chido devlanment ‘When an inf fel ear, divers or acorfor thi tachment sate sctivated. This prompts the to qui turn towards ther caretakers oF use prox Uovnpaeting behavior such ae aingrschig or cling outer, Sten anuling nd olloning See azachment gure, Al thse bebvions are aterpist restore fesings of safety, and in mary cases to restore actal safety, to. the hid re ives the suppor reesuraince and comfort they need ram thei arth, their revous rate thn tune toa sate of calm homeostans, Ifans and chide who cant yt ul regulate their oon emational states depend on their caretakers so eerepias forthe Geng clot wits ansthar naman hepa chideen ts fs! ‘calm. Further, being connernd to and soothed by ther caretakers overtime each 2 them how 9 sesoothe and regulte tei own emotional states As cider, Leow tha hey wil provide ue tha ale haven 12 tun 9 whan we need hem a Sse i RN eich tee Aoulty called ths the explrtery bhava em. When our atachment needs ae bsing met this system enables ws to fel cmfortale and fee t explore cy ola kth wl nid ohn Bowiby and Mary Ainsworths research shows that chien develop at chow reece crores oa sed parents bh te bu commect aan in tn ‘heir caretakers ave able 19 mest most oftheir needs enough ofthe tm, children euly fave 8 secure sachet ut hey experiance tee pave nce sistent, inacesnble, urtesponsbve or een threatening and dangerous they adept by developing more insecure atachment sys. our atachment gues were 3b sector sant ur a hlten ie dic devel cura 2 ealy ape ane lene bout te woth arl abot tr ve ile: Winen thi pen we dove insecure strategies for engaging with othars—ve may bacome more viginnt an ikaiecr ora Shaver cote w meal of idhonehe aye flag Sd Panna Galeri aclu areata ana + Conveying messages that the chi e wot enough, ors incapable, tudor + Tung 2 = halcpter cule af sarentng, which oght include steers rave but abo mcesve cont protectvness or pation Experiences of abuse or traumas that occur when the chide separated fom sie primanytschmant pure, his can minfnce th nation shat don getou be apart ther baits eaeiah aes uma nai eae i bot Ipecac, ic babe i a al sree. Wel dscus this more In the secon abou ferflavoidant a: CHILDHOODChildren whe ave «secre tachment se have general experienced » fay cnsironmert that’s most warm and supportive. Ther parerts or eretaers are sale sccensine ana eegpanr to thei need, encuph fhe tme Net ease rill of etme bat aough of he tne, when the cid hasan attachment ned, they reich out theiratachmant gue and that stachment Rigite moves towards ‘hem in an emetionalyataned en tht calms the ils nervous sjtern¢ This in turn teaches the ch ha lowing series t feel thi ede and commu cating those needs to osers is an eecive strategy. caretaker being prsent safe, rtectir lpential sn l csenioe BCE pinot ert to a did developing s sete atachment se Early postive tachment experiences have a huge impact on hey brain evelopment and emotional repuation? When the atiachment figure is able'to ‘motional resonate with the chil, the child fee supported and lames to repute ‘ted npc veiled ero Hi bp lems te: ones ad increta antecin (he bonding hovers). By covepulaing with 2 cate ‘ster thea learn to undermtand and proce fsa and saci sss the lens empathy and they deelog an increased abil cope wth tess When clever ‘eaperience secure interactions withthe adults their ves and function fom 38 cure stachonent ala they ato ene ae have eter elf acten, be ove ent to trauma, have song social sil, concentrate better. enjoy pay ard have sli ‘ovealemational heat. Through these nourishing experance, x cig develops a eons of anety and tet They tte inthe measeges tht the wold i = enly pace ard thetshey cana forwhat they want because he prope in hei es cave nd are wing oly ‘Secu Atachment om Adult Eat chidhoad etachment experience become the bluptin forthe ind of con nections we go 0m to expact and seek in our adult romantic elatonahips. The intercons explicate erent ie wong mond how we see curever—teth postive) ard negetvehand att out postive negative pecatons abou how ature and salable our patere wil be rus in times of eed? People with secure atachmert sole enperence a healthy sense of self and £08 themsehes and ther parners ina posite ight. Ther interpersonal pesence we deeply infirm by their knanladge ta hey san a forwhe hey ced ard pple ay tru ing regret cero tho ‘hat ou actions ae ete, As children, i reach ut with our booy ad use oir gine trget lf yor rection enced ts rSlgptwoardiioessrel Pome ports. wendy ect there tichrent bids we ler at ve mat on re woh of love. This builds the foundation for heathy sleesteem and s sence of compe: sence inthe word Arad, he haloes be sce Heil when surparners con't tet ovr moc ale to weer ben tt mle omni te be mt at liter ine ort sak an aenatie means of having our attachment owlby viewed atchment a5 elon fiom the cradle othe graven2 He said she uk emer rdaiptip trcion mproc acer bond where cach porn cerue2¢ a stachnen gus forthe other Rauiby concave ofthe parentchid attachment relatonahip o> having fut essen) fatness proviiy ‘mantoonce,teperatin dre, af haven and ecue bac le cn a ay pa les betoeen the parent.chilé attachment relationship andthe adult cut stach ent mlstonhip. For instance, sue see piel contact th eachother en grin dreamy ejegaring and een ane baby lk cr casing sounds to nurture and encourage bonding, We fel separation dese when apa and we tum towards ur onrani partner a2 ane nen in ies of read la ae then a2 28 cave base om which 1 eplve the wade and our sez, and ve fel able to " (of cauae thre ae aifecences sehen the pavantchd tachment nond and ti ial since wid ve hong eek regal or sistent pronmity to our pare, we can tolerate much loge periods of separation ‘om eur panners by employing ont rprezentatons of sero help ve us an ndertanding of why we ate apart (ag. “I know my paint iat work “Ry pas rer is away on 3p" or“ have this weekend wth my ke and see my paenerea Sah alg etic tes eqpippe la Gillis Ieveage postive farasies about our pariner we can imagine what wl fel eve reunies| and we can aces til elt sense oftheir presence, which ean tre oma ly ha gp “wo additonal changes in adult attachment compared to parenthiléatach sm chee nut carer aed vig Asche cei ee abt sO ee roncive dram tear rt he achat Sgures but doesnot provide tin vetum. But ax aduts, caretaking becomes more syoumatical and shaves batten partner. Semuaity sles became op integrates pattofhe attachment an carepcng behaorl items. ‘child wih a secre sttachmert se wil ily grow up into an sou who fel orth of ove ane seks to sate nuaningil hen reitiontipe wt people who are phy and erctionaly alae. Securely factoring adults are com ora wit eo clang ated or dest det sos iy the teaonai For ec cached people, “pendeney” i not a diy word, but fat of He tar can bee pwianced without ning or compromising the sll Converse, scuteyUnctining ads are aso comfortable wah thir inde psndence ans pertanlautonany They ray min her panars whan thay not together but inside they fel fundamental alight wth themselves when theyre lone. They alo fest minimal fear of abandonment when temporatiy separated ‘rom thee partner In other words, securely attached people experience rational cbjet constr, whichis the aity to wast in and maintain 29 emotional bond with people even during physical or emotional separation (Objex consiane it devlaprientlmieetne ohare s chido under ‘and that ther altchmant igure ia seperate person Thi peraon can love and be ‘here for them, but hey can leave the room and, even they temporany out of sight asenst mann theyre completa zone In adulthood, restnalabjen con fare cob um tna tat our correction aed bone Oth ppt il eure ven if wee apart People with secure stachment are able to interalize their parser! le, caring it with chem evan when thee physically senate, ere ‘ioral disconnected orin confit, ‘Another important expect of secure tachment stat, when distressed per 00 can both emotionally repute onthe tn, and an alas conegulte and re “eve suppoetrom ther partners. People unctioning fom a securely tached se ara ter set tab care te neediras wel ek thr pater tobe cut In my pajchotherapy prt, ve noticed tat more securely attached pat ‘res are often bate able to set heathy boundaries. They tly say ro when they ean no and ys hen tay onan yer Ta me tht the fundsson af econ Research has also shown that having a secure attachment seas an adult is cerrlted wih higher levels of relatorahipsatfacton and balance: high le tle of empathy, respec and frganess fr panne: and higher eee of sea station tnt onto have oi ‘aly with crain relational sil and personal apactes.A person with any ofthe Soascure syle will ueulysugale wth regulating thet aun ematons ster heathy ways. They may desta, supprss or deny ther emotions, or they may hyperactiate and inflame ther emotions, and be easily taken over by emotional ‘We lara how to aelFeeglete trough our conection wth cur atachrent ures. o,f our parents were unable 0 regulate thei own emotions (whether fom ‘heir cure sree levels or ther presous urvesive tau), and therefore could’ support ue in regulating our oun emotions, we lat «Foundational dee “elopmentaleipsrience, In the absence ofthe foundational reuropychoogica adults we then have to lem exe dffcuk developmental tasks on our own. We hve to gure out how to def and aniculate ou emotion sates and then find Isching aut in aration eens We als need tenn ha t hen rey om thes ard to gure out when ifs appropriate 0 seek suppor rom them te hep regulate our emotions. ‘Chikren who experianced an insecure wtachment environment regless of sohich ste they adopted, can intenalze te bel that to sore dagre he wold is unsafe ard people cannot tu be relied on. These chilren wil aso struggle ses having sturdy rein! abject contancy Sina latins! abject constancy isthe ably o eurt at your connection and bard wih someone wl persist be yond an intl separation or conic. 5 an adult, having 2 compromised elation] bet constancy con make © eemely dieu ts get chvaugh the Snap ointments, uncertain, heh conics apd raturlebbe ard flow that ale romaniereationsips inevitably produc. Research also demonstates that people with insecure stachont ater in aduthood sruggle wh relatonship ssstacton They fd it hard to ust ther partners, forgive ther ad respond intenonlly instead of reacting out of hab. They alo face calonges when it Gea ie ischinct Siyis efore you red the ret scion, wich describes the thee diferent insecure ples, there af evra important pints that ike ory eep in sin + Aitachment wounds can occur for many reasons, and imperative emphasize that atachment ruptures ar rot always the fel of on’ ‘achment gues. Aachment thar isnot about parent blaming. Disp tions in aiachment can occur for vatiousresoms outside of the atc rent Sevres’ contok physical or mental ines, hospitalizations, ace: cert, he nade a ther chileten at fami stems inthe hams ath overt housing nstabliy war and other social factor. | ge a rei depth andigsia ofthe diferent level of potential attachment rpiies in ‘StssecTinse + Aatchment sje are nt static Ifyou experienced an fnecurey attached dio cig tel cap ml tra cb are tachment stl ae sural depiations & your environment and sincethey oer ere, they ar also be unlearned il ouch mare on earned secure attachment in Part Thee, serachmant syle ae nt iid identities to tle on These ieen nae rtp a wk ryt ihe So thee ot the tet iy ofssho you are af hear people detrtethemeebes ax“ om an soidane or “om anaicuny tached,” ening therasves holy tough this ane lens. We ca ales de thi to aur parietal ther ad ee ‘thing they do as 2 result of them “being an soldat” or "being preoc: sev mare thet pple i wo Nat invshich someone takes one part of heir identity or experience and ses se the entienyof ho hey ae To mathe aes aipars the para tle bls Labeling curler or ver teeing a dagrons canbe very help tecan portant Cay rd et vn tw be toon chi: nba’ ers parce eli conbion py chiatie dagrois oro anvoogy chur Finding ourselves in certain Soe can berefeshing We may feel thetour experience is ne longer mysterious 0 ust limites tous, uti actualy understood, wellarusted and even shaadi athens For seme raning shouts cain tachment ncaa laeraly pat thei erie Me ard elatinship histor into conte, berating ‘them from the ides that they ae broken or hepessy doome to never haus rlstionship suceze ned, they can ase sherseias at person soe nicl ink one cra tant plain al hy aed empowered to charge that adaptation and choose a more secur path om stich toma Ermer Conver labsling of receiving # agnosis can aap confine us ints ‘igi categories that may restrict our serge of elf or obscure the faliness of tho we ae Labels can easly heap ur stuck inthe mince ofthis wh | ar, ond 50th i who wl eomtinue to be, Instead of evi ourselves 35 someone who stages wth anny, we see ourseives a5 arse Ase atin oS clnearascomeate wise Daly prserdace coutssles as depression tell So, when reading about stachenent ste, ease deny wit wha fel wef, and please be min of ily Hew Sin yours ots we more thane prolars wefce + You might relate to more than one sl. Some people see themseves in ‘to, tres or eve ll four ofthe sls. You might fureton from 3 more scecnplecet of eie; Put ere cutw pete moire sgl hile under sues, or you might perience diferent attachment ss de pensing om in you ar clang te Many af. have diferne schon syle in tlaton to each of out parent, fr example might ve fl, very secure wth one parent, but insecure wth another The shes of our with a diemissve atachment ale might provoke mote arsious/ preoccupied behavior from us, of being wth « more anvous partner righ polarize ue into being more ciemiesie. Our atachmant eer can hangs fom ne latonship ss te nas and they sn lz change thins specif lationship wth the same perion + Lasth your atachment se ie not an excuse for abuse ve hese peore se thie achat anya a a9 exsue forthe acts lang thir on shied or een harm behaviors onthe “ct” of th having aetna tachment spe. Please don't do hel Ifyou ar acting out in harnfl ways ‘ovatee yourzel, your pantera anjone youre in canter with, pease lake your taumas and sounds seiouly and seek professional supper. eles of volence, abuse or neglect can undoubted be broken when the ae suppor ein pace In this snton, | il first presen the thre reece ses in the tpg in which ‘hey a commonly presented by other authors. Howevet, some researchers end‘heotes have moved way fom using the wadional ourtpe attachment typo ‘omy propotng intend that weackmert plays out over the tn dimensions of a ct mn oir othe. This eternal specie cay bea more praise way of understanding the diferent expressions ofthe secure ard Insecure tachment es, which ll presenter he thre inci tes “he Araidont/Oiuminive Aachen She desir ttachmert in Citdhond ‘he soidant and anus tle were Fist cheered in chien by Mary Anawarth 19 1978 trough her Stange Stustion Procedure. In thene capt, nfarte she young chen wer ered th ther primary amachinent ee (ual the mother) oor filed with oj. Each cid was a times alone with ther parent In the room, then Ie alone with a tanger while the parent stepped out of the {he oom af tae haw much arses he cil eh et ale wth the tanger and how te cid responded ist Beng Separated an then reunned with thee sceeringssure and incesre atachonant, ‘Chive witha secure atachmert were obser as comrable mplering the ‘om of toys while tir pavers were present. at ease iterating with strangers when paren were rater and shen expressing helthyatachment diawers when ‘hei parents lef the roam, Fllewed by el and comfort when thee parents re turned “The hlden eho wee cased wt the sbcidart tachment patie ve ob ered as beng distant fom thet catetalers, showing lite to no datas upon ‘separation, pressing lite irtarest in he parents upon reunion, and een showing lle prfaence for beng th shir parte vers the svangse These hirer re las lily to eile he room of toys ard offen peated 10 glay by the selves. Interesting, the seemingly urate demearor of thse chidren, we were physealy ate erin ita for ther carers oi not rfc hie Intral tate Even shough there cian appeared “freon the uti, hey wate actualy experiencing internal sgn of elevated hea rate and physiological stress | ctid who bad parents whe were monty ursialable pele or sbeent sdapted other atechment environment by tang ona mare wovant se Par tein tht cle stant, cits or highly focus on achievement or appesrance can cette mdr beri dd nth hey arnt cng ‘herlves. When a cid does not get enough of the postive atachment re sponses that they reed or they ate ought rejcted or criticized for having weeds, they wll adage by shuting down and denctinting ther tachment longings. A in nth crn ach; de ori Hy ne ebro ‘tachment bids for provi or protection inorder to prevent he pain and conta sional crumbs, assuring tht she best ays get ther needs met by thelr partie Ae ect why dow reo oko ving dence etiechmant suing simnishe aiisys0piseup on and register snachmant sus fon other Some ofthe diffrent fictor that cam contribute fo whit adopting an mvident seachonane syle wet + Isleon through tao much me alone cr not enough facetoface time wi +The absence of physical or emtional presence rom cretaers <2 oxremtivempimatroncteBbneed gresece they us only present hen they ae ting to educate tach something to thee child ‘hats practeal academic or skis based. + Too ie such and afscson,orvhaDiane Pooler salle “sn hunger” + Emotional neglect hare ational nourishment lw or absent and par ‘mts are unable to eectvly read the chs signals. Such patente might spond in insensitive way o be completely unrespasive othe chi emo ‘ial ses and nests + Epresiedesonance, whichis when someone's faci overt expressionsseen etd erect atatens‘Sncome ight be lag When they are angry or sling when they ave actually upset, which can Be confusing t chides (ar anne fr that mater. Sines ohiaren ae learning inte ie deren tnt metre tite tiough the mci ofthe séuts around ther, a parent with expressive cesonance can create chalanges in shi chid bliss undertand other flings ants aepeee hemabes in as tht ae soil appropiate ard autheic. + Disvpted engagement vith caretakers duet nesses or other factors hat Inter ith ther the chil athe parent pamicipaing in bonsing sac ont behaviors (sete neste attachment model in Chaar Tea + Rejection fom pavers that might be ongoing, subtle or even outright abn: + Parents ute are oval sbiet and corveling + Garena gt bre he bd tetra tee id wt fw Si Dismisve Atchmant on Ada In adulthood, the chichood avoidant style is vefeed to as dismissive. A person hoi funesoning am inmiaive sya willtand to hep parle a ar leh Unualy pring themes on not needing anyone, peasle wth thir abe wil tre ‘0 take on an ove selfelant outlook, valuing ther hyperindependence ard cen seing ster as wesk, nedy or ne dependent. though hey may reset at having high selfeetem, people fanctonng fom» dmiaive atachmant ie fen project unwanted nts ont others and inflate their sense of elf o covera ‘alitaly negating celfinaga People with hie attachmant ala have reported owst levels of relstonaipsatfiction, ust and commitment a well as having more ‘A person wth a dismissive attachment sl hey did’ get what they nde cacti le fom their pray cage, 0 the learned to get by and sure by reedng lite nothing for others. When someone gros up ina home sith rrinimal or no emetonal nourishment, it rakes sense tat they would deer phasze the vale‘ antnportanc> of rll aed tha the Gt cxtreny Afcle to be vulnerable and open with others. Oetimes, their oon pal emo- ‘ions or expences are placed Slow the radar oftheir emotional awareness in rset ssid the cacomfor of lng pan. Thien turn mate a cacannectinn ‘om thes on felngs and nee. Lising with a aeae of chore acomecton ‘om themes, others and the worl, they might a times experiance the longing te be cot, burt then fel at a total ls ont how the bridge the gap beoveen their inlaon and others, mining opportunities to tecice sport frm the pana orto provide arto ther loved oes. People inthis tachment tle do want relaanshise They wl enter nt rela ‘onships even longterm riaionsips, but may stuggewith thet ably 0 reflect on ther own interel experience ao wl a» sensitvlyrexpond to the signals of enc wer Fn rebel nc sereon: wa fin Abin thirst cnr eck vane or pris leat petra ‘hey wil cstnce themselves o avoid dicomfor. Signs of potertl reecton or etic fom others wil ala crete» quick withdraw People withthe clamasive atachmert sve wil aso tend to be highly near and logical, stowing many forme of competence and abit inthe practical opr: Sazsona eens off This curdevlopmant of he logis ran can ina ees challenges wth certain appecs of autobiographical memon-—people wah «ci rigsveatachnent syle might have Sle memory for chidhood experiences, 35 vllassimplaticnaratve about thei parents and childhood being “jt ne ln my therapy practice, ofan notin that people who are alain orn he di missive sje inialydesebe their parents or cument romantic elatinships 3s fing gre even ideal tute 2 er minute of epee aunrtaning int ther a= sd ct cgi rll pare ens tnd ge we. scuily <0 perfect. This acts because the descthation oftheir atachmentyates has made tif for der acces and consistent stay in touch wth theirtw feelings For many, contacting and admiting ones acl Feelings might be peenved asa threat other curert miationship ort the srs quo of thet Samy of org an of ths deacbvaing and distancing adapsaton is the association fom ea expticeee When nine elation cei ‘heicinsecureatachmers they must begin by no longer daring and distancing from therseies. Thi regu that they no longer der ther desires and needs, hai Unghie St Sere tical that teva Tego Es biden. When zomeorefuntoning fom a damiasve ste starts to allow ee a tachrrent system to come back nln, it can inti be avery tender raw and even ‘rcrlicitng proces Tea i mews tyre ‘elings ate pat oft developmental process that takes time, The process of ig Tings w thay, ning how ttt oo epee Forth damiesve syn cumay Hon inezure ws cecureatashnen i one oF returning tothe Body trough bringing feelings and sensations back oie and learning how 0 be with onsen his arocess. Once his isastablishe, te isk of she lesring nts ater, eueling ane’ ners odd and sorting the self relat ection rough aking for hel and care om other can begin ‘Statements that someone wth a dismissive attachment ye might wae + iyartencms falopteonce wad xf lime ype tome «Vm ery comrabesotoat Gove toal ac wal + luna bein wtianthipe and have sine arenas uth nese Sut cae iy tetra arrestin ai the al pac + | peer not share my feelings or shows partner how Ife deep down + | eequenty don nour hat fin eling e eeding andor | en vin eae from otvts about what ey ar fling or needing + 1 fee uncomfortable rahing on panes ard having parmers depend or tly | either struggle with aking relationship commitments of do commit | svsyscry have one fat nut the dase (or lene hve the Back dr locks}. | ars vey sorte to any sgn that my partner sting to contrat me or intcereth my adm in anyway (and e's ke the word sense") | ese mylfor others ar wea for having needs or wanting comfort help ot ‘Daring disgreements orn confit | end to withdraw ht down shut ot | do wal with te wanstion fom being together wth people to then being Ahr nage wha eo bg aren cm Pee corte somone The Arsious/Preoeuped Atachment She ln Ainsworth Suange Stuston Produce, clgren whe ware ducted se being viously tached ware reluctant to ply with he ops in the oom avn when ther ‘arent was preset. They showed signs of dstess an clinginess eve Before thir vent let the room and mugs t zele coun upon reuiion with tei care fue For thee children, se atachment eater was hperactiated in compart to the deacivating ofthe atachment system thatthe avoigant se employs. Hy perateting the tachment sytem ramps up the dai fora carte, rplijing the did atachmetbide aa wey to captures parent tention Parents who are loving but inconsistent can encourage the adaptation ofthe sinus ayia Samus the paresis here and subla, stuned and responsive but then other times they ate emotionally unvalable, mixattned ot even its sive lnving the child confused and uncertain a6 to whether thet paren i going 1 ek ey RONENMGN see! Rice GRMN TNE Sey aime‘behavior. This ungreictablity can be vey dyeceglating fer a child whois yng 1» stablize a bord with thei caregiver 0, in an attempt to cope, they hen learn ‘hs hypercvasng tet aachment system through geting louder or necier achieves the atertion they ned In thi scenario, he ch can become dependent ‘on ter hyperactvatingsrtegy inorder to sun, faring that if they lt ert snchrvant sytem sei and rat shen their nea il eee rst Thi lead toa choniay aciated attachment sate hat mapperatstheents of pote ‘al sangonment, which may or may not acal be there Some fate that cn continue 0 sch adopting an sinus insure st tachment sje are! + Parents who are unable to consistently co-egulate with ther chile, which prety ated. mtr eben ae eet eretiorally repuateon heir oer reiten ve sxe fined fi ror contrlte die paere lg veren vw hen datetime sehefasbe engaging in healing work that fe moving thers towards more secute functioning “ayinly develop lee exer entity whl tl xpeincing an nner “pth pull” dyamic. The process of reshing tht taume may have enabled them to row choose ferent wth how the eeraly respond‘The stcond import ditincdon that Heller mates ie that we can have aro: lel sinepanzed ania tat functions ars primary atachmant oe, or more of hatin eaorganized syle In he stutorl kind, someone seen secure, mise of preezupied inthe attachment a, but incerta situations or under the influence ofcersin wigges they get activated into a tempo- ary igen tat ce sae seo oat races thn iene to iit be more som ‘heicoter more dominant ate Since pple withthe fearf-aoidant sie exparience both attachment ansty and attachment avoidance, se which ofthe above tatements forthe damistve and pececuped sje lz describe your experience, Some sttererts that some Cone with Fearful avidant syle ight make ae + ofan don fe safe or fully rusting in ationthips, even fmy partner acts a onVeuntnontigng = equenty get wggered by things hat mey acer to come out ofrowhere ea versal whan nae th a parerincesce. inal ware itiacy ate ocenees but | can experience epider of « ‘hen in cot an welt fot bing onthe ore being dismissive and numb. +l eanvgalate berucenaiferant pee ofchaanorepicty + When in diver have ate in ways that have been har to mya ey pares + offen expect tat he worst wil appen ina elsonship, een when hing ae song wel + Ihave elaborate negative fantasies abou what wil go wrong or how my par ners inavably hur me byond epi, even rings are most ging wal + Seing ina rlaiorship can cause eto become haregulted, desc conte + There aetna when sk ne onthe cus, tary actully» complete srnatibon trol +1 flequeny experience the conflicting ntaral drives of wating t be cose apd share myzelfbut fearng that overeas or vulnerability il be dangerous orcause the latonship to end Pent oteractions Childhood ‘Adult tachment Se tachment Sole + Responsive sd stom 7 Unavailable > pees Each, Seva + Impereptive pron + Rejecing + Inconsistent responsive, sraableoratuned = mecca, MEME ye Feist of ion > Frightening + Threatening Insecure Fearful voidant + Frightened a Dsorariced §— ao-4oK6 ‘TABLE 13: The typeof parental iteracons that ae relate othe eferent attach ‘ant ables in chidhooe, and how the names ofthe insecure styles changeit scutand. Th percernges ofeach aul ate sles nated There percentages do not eli dup to 100 parant since they ave more of genera range, with exch study fading slighty eiferert percentages foreach syle (ince people wih aSeafulaviden le might intial tetas being on of he other insecare ae) Gender difernces have nat been found between the ieent tyes ‘An importa tkemeny from his veri of attachment theary isthe importance oF aeately atachng to others wh wil cae for This is out Sat suival sa gy because without the loving and stentve presence fom others we would de. Accordingly, etetinal attunement and connection ae wired into us as basic human nasde that peszt though fe Dezandng onthe anicanmat and crcure stance tha we were born ins and how wal our parent were ale to meet ou at "achment needs (ome conditions our gaents had conto of and thes they dd not) we wl either develop 2 secure atchment sg, where we el ef to be with cour caretabars and eile the ward beyond them of we ll develop an naecure attachment je Insecure attachment ci take the fr of evel plling int ou sere to mid and wid, ove taming ovtward te others to gasp and pro- ce, or racing between the te. These insecure attachment ses are se ‘ondary sural strategies that mae sense based on what we went through as 3 he and wil easnue impact nan ee ach and nan in our aa remarie selaionships Here inte yout eet on your own petznal attachment Hon, what style or sles you experienced wth you erent attachment gues and how shir later tothe atctimentbehvivs yu hve existe in your al emantie seltonships‘THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS OF ATTACHMENT oer scTAchan7 ateaachene base ther work onthe ies of celagoriing peo se under one of four apecifc type: secure, preoouped,damissve or feu Sokant. More recerth; however, some researchers have proposed tht aac sachinant aicdanes, and [ooking at she aifirens aye shese simensions aan intarac.3 Thay plac ech ef there dimensians alan an ai fam hgh elu, ard ‘hen cross the aes to frm a clagram with four quadrants, While thi mode! i produces same fur baie tyes (ne par usin) tte ur cen se tings in more nuanced ways based on how fr along each axis we find ourselves, Not very person with apreoceupied atachment syle is exact the same, fo instance Ir ls helps shane she comnman ground etueen she ciferent ne: for eral both the fea and the dismissive attachment sige share a higher lvl of em tional avoidance. Thi mel can help us beter understand how we might beable te more the needle on our oun ematonal tendencies when they not serving ut el Being high in the tachment ana dimension rats wo increased furs of being tested resected, abandoned or separated fom ar atachmert Sze Ang low in attachment any relates to being less fnfl or preoccupied that ‘uch things wl occur Attachment soiree isthe dimension that relits to how rate or lint on a parte. Stated more poss. ow attachment soidence refers to being more comfortable with intimacy, closeness and earce on apa ig Aofance FIGURE 23: Atachment sles exresed wing the to dimension of aiachment sity and atachrent avoidance. ‘The four difeent attachment sles relate to where people land on these bo simensions When santa eI in amachment arses; and ow in achmnt sie ance the arin the secure tachment zone + When a peson has law avoidance but high aney, tei atachment aie + ise, Sea pce es PAINT BOER svoidance high + When santsne sigh in Bath arity and aesisance, hay ave 8 fea seoidane sy ‘These cimensions aso influence each othe For example, both the secure and reseupie ayes nin stecnment avoidance, but the aiferencs in mach ‘rent ane wil ale the way a person xprsses her tachment. Someone ler Sack eo mi Wen a ine