(i think i made you up inside my head)

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/55665655.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Relationship: Son Hak/Soo-Won
Characters: Son Hak, Soo-Won (Akatsuki no Yona)
Additional Tags: Unrequited Love, Anal Sex, Frottage, Bruises, Orgasm Edging,
Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers to Enemies, Memories,
Complicated Relationships, Light Bondage, like so light it's literally not
there except it's still kinky, Hair-pulling, Degradation, Praise Kink, it's a
bit of both, Masturbation, Making Out, Barebacking, Sad, give hak
therapy!, aromantic soo-won, no beta we die like king il (rip)
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-05-04 Words: 2,173 Chapters: 1/1
 (i think i made you up inside my head)
by vonpourrise

Summary

“Is this what you want, Hak?”

His immediate thought was: I want you to return my feelings– no, too selfish. I want you to
acknowledge them so we can grow up. I want you to know how it feels that everybody loves
you and you choose me. It’s different, you don’t get it. That smile, you’ll never get it. You
can have anyone you want and you’re showing me your stomach. I am not worthy of your
body. I’m not special. I’m not yours. This pit in me is like a wire coiling and coiling, but
somehow, somehow, you unwind me and pet me still. You draw me into needing you.

But he also thought: He’s being horny. Let him be horny.

OR,
hak beats himself up about his complicated feelings about soo-won, recalling the night before
yona's birthday banquet

Notes

the present (hak's wet dream) takes place pre water tribe arc in the manga. thnx :)

See the end of the work for more notes

Hak keeps to the company of his own hand when he has dreams like this– filled with the
brush of too-smooth skin on his hip, a shoulder peeking from behind long, long strawberry
blonde hair, friction and ecstatic friction and the special jasmine perfume dowsed all over,
fresh from bathing, in between the silk sheets with shushes and snail-like tongue pressing still
on the roof of his mouth– Hak wakes up and remembers that that person is gone, but he is
still so, so aroused by what used to be that he gets up from his pallet and wanders off to
stroke himself to completion, trying to think of the girl with the tether to his heart and not her
cousin.

The night before Yona’s banquet, Soo-Won rapped on Hak’s door lightly, the way he used to
when they were up past their bedtime but wanted to chat, or later on, experiment. Hak was
awake, Hak was an adult and a General and reading something stupid– but awake and
waiting. Soo-Won slid the door enough for him to peek his head in, smile soft-gentle– and
Hak sat up on his bed cross-legged and gestured his childhood friend over, “get out of the
cold.”

Earlier that day they had ridden dapple-backed horses together, just outside the palace, and
they had stopped to rest when the sun was almost exactly overhead. Out of the view of the
greater court (Hak could protect Soo-Won and Soo-Won could protect himself, no need for
any further accompaniment) Soo-Won, kneeling in the grass, had carved the bruises out of an
apple with a knife and when Hak had reached for a piece, Soo-Won had taken his chin and
hand fed it to him, his green eyes lit from behind. Hak had allowed himself to focus on Soo-
Won’s fingertips for a moment too long before remembering, sighing, and flopping onto his
back in the tall grass.

“You don’t like that anymore?” Soo-Won had hummed, mostly to himself, as if indexing a
fact. Hak had heard him take a little, rabbit-like bite into a slice and then the following thump
of the rest of the apple over in the dirt.

“Not right here, or now.”

“Later, then?” The quickness of the question had surprised Hak. Soo-Won was an earnest,
eager person. Soo-Won was open, and he was leaning over Hak and the sun haloed behind
him, igniting his hair into that sharp tangerine. This request had felt urgent.

So Hak was expecting something more… official than Soo-Won lightly treading over to him,
barefooted, and taking Hak by the elbows with his delicate palms, drawing him to his feet.
Hak did what they always did first, combed through Soo-Won’s hair and undid the clasp that
held it together. He stroked from the scalp down, tugging at knots as Soo-Won’s hands fell to
Hak’s waist.

He opened his mouth to say something, but instead inhaled until his chest was full and looked
over at the candle on Hak’s table.

Soo-Won pulled away abruptly, so much so that Hak still felt him there, and blew out the
light, saying, “we don’t want anyone seeing.” Hak felt the wink, though they had never really
made an effort to darken the room before, and Hak knew Soo-Won enjoyed being seen by his
partner, disheveled and open-mouthed, something he had discovered with Hak.

“What’s with this?” Hak asked. And though he felt something aching in his chest, he didn’t
stop Soo-Won from pulling the buttons through their clasps in his pants.

“I want you.”

And there it was. The last thing Hak wanted to do was address his feelings, especially when
Soo-Won was just visiting and they didn’t get to see each other as often anymore, feel each
other as often– so he deflected.

“Is this about Yona’s–”

“I want you , Hak,” Soo-Won cut off his question clean, cauterizing the end of his cousin’s
name, pulling the attention back to himself. He grew closer to Hak, lips against Hak’s ear, “I
want you, Thunder Beast,” lips moving down to Hak’s cheek, his mouth. He was already
breathing heavily, and when Hak tugged the silk sash from the cloak Soo-Won was wearing,
it slid from his shoulders, dainty joints in the moonlight.

Hak didn’t have to have that candle to see the soft, fair freckles that had settled there. Barely
visible, marks of the sun that had developed over the years.

“Undress then.” Hak took a step back and sat on the edge of his bed, even as Soo-Won
chased him with his mouth, leaving a huff of air.

“Yes, sir…” Soo-Won breathed, chuckled lightly at his own inversion of class. Hak knew it
did something for him, so he didn’t protest as he usually would. Soo-Won pulled at the clasp
by his throat, long fingers fiddling. His nails were uneven, Hak noticed, which was unusual–
but his mind was clouded, his legs spread wide and cock half-hard in his pants.

“Is this what you want, Hak?”

His immediate thought was : I want you to return my feelings– no, too selfish. I want you to
acknowledge them so we can grow up. I want you to know how it feels that everybody loves
you and you choose me. It’s different, you don’t get it. That smile, you’ll never get it. You can
have anyone you want and you’re showing me your stomach. I am not worthy of your body.
I’m not special. I’m not yours. This pit in me is like a wire coiling and coiling, but somehow,
somehow, you unwind me and pet me still. You draw me into needing you.

But he also thought : He’s being horny. Let him be horny.

“I can’t see you,” Hak forced himself to banter with a soft laugh.

But he could see the fabric that was now pooled at Soo-Won’s feet, a swan’s coat like a
puddle. And the gooseflesh on his naked arms and thighs, the muscles there that were lean
and taut and familiar as the sky. And Soo-Won’s waist that always, always fit perfectly in
Hak’s weathered, working hands. The way that his posture bent in on himself just slightly.
“Tell me what you want,” Soo-Won took a lithe step forward on his tiptoes, naked. His cock
bobbed with his movements, blushed at the tip. Hak grinned, counting off his fingers:

“You on my lap. A bottle of wine. A million rin.”

“All of equal worth to you?”

“You’re right. I could hire a whore for much, much less.” Hak dug his fingers into the flesh at
Soo-Won’s hips and pulled him onto his lap. Soo-Won gasped at the pain of Hak’s grip,
which then turned into a quiet moan as he shifted his weight, squirming with the air.

Hak served. Hak was used to serving. And he’d serve tonight, and he’d make sure both of
them felt good, really , and he’d put away that aching “love” issue to deal with another time.
He redirected the gnawing in his gut, using the strength of the feeling to lean into what turned
his friend on.

Hak whispered in Soo-Won’s ear as he pulled out his own cock: “hands behind your back. I
don’t have anything to tie you with, so you’ll have to behave.”

Soo-Won smirked and folded his hands at the wrists, palms up, at the base of his spine, like
the wings of a shadow puppet bird. Hak freed himself to the air, and as his and Soo-Won’s
cocks bumped together Soo-Won jolted and Hak’s breath caught. Hak murmured, “good
boy,” and ran his thumb over Soo-Won’s head, but when Soo-Won bucked his hips, Hak
retreated.

“Ah–” Soo-Won protested, then laughed softly, his chest heaving. His arms were quivering at
the elbows, and Hak could tell that he was struggling to keep his hands still.

“You’re okay,” Hak murmured. He spit in his palm and then before Soo-Won could say
anything back, Hak took the nape of his neck, digging his fingers slightly into orange hair,
and kissed him.

Hak began to stroke himself, the back of his hand drawing against Soo-Won in the process.
Soo-Won squirmed his hips at this barest of stimulation, trying to push against his knuckles
for friction. Hak caught his moans in the cup of his mouth, the hot breath and heavy tongue
of the man he grew up loving—

No. Not those thoughts. Just Soo-Won quivering, and rutting against Hak. Comfort in body
and familiarity. Keeping Soo-Won’s sounds hushed and quiet so nobody will overhear.

Hak pulled away for breath, pulling Soo-Won’s head back by his hair. He licked up his
jugular, the bob of his Adam’s apple, thrusting languidly into his fist. Soo-Won tightened his
legs around Hak’s back, breathing labored. Hak didn’t trust himself to not leave bruises on
the apple-pale skin of Soo-Won’s throat.

“Leave marks on me, I want you to bruise me.” Soo-Won murmured, as if feeling Hak’s
hesitation. Hak released his hair and cupped his cheek as he brought Soo-Won’s face back to
his own. This time the lust in his eyes was like liquid lead— caught in the moonlight, adding
a sheen of glow. Deep, almost tangible, unlike his effortless mask for others.
“Not tonight.”

Soo-Won brought one of his hands up to Hak’s chest with calculated grace, stilling his
movements. His shallow breaths, his pleading eyes, and the break of immersion together
halted the mood.

“Soo-Won, the banquet is tomorrow. I can’t mark you up–”

“That’s alright, then.”

His disappointment was palpable, so much so that Hak grabbed his wrist and pinned it again
behind his back, making their chests flush—

“I told you to keep your hands behind your back.” Hak hissed, grinding his hard cock against
Soo-Won’s.

“Please—” whimpered Soo-Won, the amicable smile gone again, replaced by want.

“No,” Hak said, using Soo-Won’s wrists to stand him up and follow. He took him by the back
of the neck again, this time propelling him onto the bed, face-down.

Hak ran two fingers down Soo-Won’s arching spine as he looked over his shoulder, through a
sheen of hair. Hak’s fingers dipped against, then into, Soo-Won’s hole– warm and welcome
and wet.

“You’re dripping.”

“I’m ready,” breathed Soo-Won, sliding his feet a bit more apart, “I readied myself,” and
then, “make me remember this.”

Hak didn’t have time to unpack what Soo-Won said. In a lot of ways it was easier to fuck
Soo-Won when Hak couldn’t see his face, and he took his victories. Hak got a grip on his
hips, holding him in place as he slid his tip in, then with a thrust, the whole thing.

Soo-Won moaned, and Hak hit his ass with a palm.

“Behave,” Hak said. Soo-Won bit his own hand as Hak fucked him as he would someone he
had never met before. Hak battered him, Hak bruised him, and when Hak could tell Soo-Won
was close by the way his body shook, his grip fluttered, he pulled his head back by the hair.

Hak didn’t let up, but he had to be selfish, just this once: “tell me you love me.”

“Eh?” Soo-Won managed to breathe between building moans.

“You love me.”

“I love you, Hak—“

Hak felt ecstasy, then Hak felt shame. He stilled inside Soo-Won, realizing that they had
come at the same time.
Hak let go. Soo-Won drifted down like a flower petal, rolled lazily onto his back. Hak
groaned and flopped down beside him, though ensuring they wouldn’t touch. He couldn’t
handle that right now.

“Hak,” Soo-Won started.

“Yes?” He grumbled.

“Thank you.”

“What, for fucking you?”

The shifting of bedding that meant a Soo-Won shrug or a Soo-Won stretch or a simple,
painful reminder that Soo-Won was on his bed and that:

“You came inside,” he murmured.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry about that.”

“No biggie, Hak,” Soo-Won moved again to get up, then paused, “Hak?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

Hak blew air between his lips, and before he could even do it of his own accord, Soo-Won
repeated in a tone used for subordinates, “look at me.”

Hak let his head fall onto the other cheek. Soo-Won was a beauty so profane it almost got
Hak hard again— hair a disaster, spit and tears dying on his cheek, bruises already forming
on his hips, his ribs, the side of his thigh— but his expression was back to the mask he wore
daily– that smile.

“Thank you.”

And at the time, Hak did not know what it meant. He still really doesn’t. He stands in a
clearing, back against a tree, and tries to jerk off as silently as possible. He tries to get rid of
his lust and the debris at once, to explode so quietly it’s like it didn’t even happen. Because
maybe it didn’t happen, none of it. Soo-Won was never that person, not really, no matter how
nice he smelled or how soft his inner thighs felt or the wantonness of his face when he came.
There was never that person. There was never anyone at all.
End Notes

i've been cooking this since i finished the anime, wanted to hold onto it until i caught up with
the manga but c'est la vie i fear it's getting published now!! so if something happens that
directly contradicts anything in this fic after chapter 125... mind your own business!!!! jk,
thank you if you read this, it's been in my head rent-free. <3

ALSO: the title is an incredibly out of context line from "mad girl's love song" by sylvia
plath, because every time someone addressed hak as "thunder beast" in the anime my brain
would be like I SHOULD HAVE LOVED A THUNDER BEAST INSTEAD. so sorry about
that. that was this fic's name since the beginning.

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