Modern.Family.

S04E02

before you pulled focus to Lily.

Modern.Family.S04E02 Oh, come on. It's--it's a big day for
Can I get everybody's attension. Real both of them. Huh?
quick. Haley going to college is a miracle.
Um, on this wonderful occasion-- Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
Our daughter leaving tomorrow for Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only
college... ones starting school.
If I could get everyone to raise their My mom and jay are going to parenting
glass. class.
As I quote from one of our nation's We're doing it for the baby.
great fathers-- Not this baby. That baby.
Jefferson. Manny doesn't believe that we know what
George Jefferson. we're doing.
"I never dreamed that one of my own A couple of new hairs under his arm,
"would be going off to a university, and now he thinks he knows more than
"but here I stand, a proud black man, his own mother.
knowing that all those hours I put in I know not to embarrass my son
at the dry cleaner--" as he stands on the threshold of
- Phil. - Not now, Weezie. manhood.
Where was I? I don't know why I have to go to this
Quoting that president. thing.
Okay, if she's the future of America, In case you've forgotten, I raised two
we should start using Chinese money kids.
now. Stop pulling my hair.
We already are. - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut
My arm is tired. To Haley. up. Shut up.
To Haley! Why look at me? It was their mother's
And before everyone puts their glasses fault.
down, I was barely around.
uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily. No! Ow, ow!
Tomorrow is her first day of Haley, this is, like, the third bag
kindergarten. of makeup and hair care products.
- To Lily. - Oh, Lily. Dad, if you want me to get good grades,
To Lily. And you'll be impressed to I have to look cute.
know Don't say a word.
that she's gonna be one of the smartest No. No. I agree with that premise.
girls there. Thank you. Wait.
Lily, sweetie, what's the square root Yeah, thank you.
of 64? Claire.
Wow. Hey! In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
Nice trick. Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
Hey, Lily, what's the square root of What? Why don't you just buy her some
this potato? fishnet stockings
Congratulations. You have a parrot. and a nurse's outfit?
We couldn't even get through the toast Not that that's my thing. That just
to Haley popped into my head.
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Honey, she's an adult, and she's going
to college.
I want to be realistic.
I don't want her to get caught
unprepared.
24 times? What, are you buying her a 4-
year supply?
Please. Phil, that would've lasted me
and my college boyfriend, like, a
long--
La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Okay, we gotta hit the road.
Give your sister a hug good-bye.
Don't dork up our room.
Don't slut up your college.
Seriously, though, don't study too
hard, okay?
I'm totally going to have fun.
I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
Mom, we're gonna lose her.
I am doing my best.
Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
I'm right here.
Bye, Haley. Have fun.
Don't drink too much beer and shots of
tequila.
Why are you wearing that mask?
Uh, I like it.
He doesn't want you to see him cry.
He's literally masking his emotions.
No!
- That's so sweet. - Come here.
It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg.
Half my face was burned off in an
industrial accident,
and the mask is hiding the servos that
control my mouth.
Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,
but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done
everything I can
to get her set up and prepared and off
on the right foot.
Not me. When we're standing in her dorm
room saying good-bye,
it's gonna be one of the most emotional
moments of my life.
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Modern.Family.S04E02
I'm gonna cry harder than the first
time I saw "Air bud"...
Especially when I give her this.
"Phil's-osophy."
A hardbound collection of all the life
lessons I've learned,
such as...
"Always look people in the eye,
"even if they're blind.
Just say, 'I'm looking you in the
eye.'"
Or...
"If you get pulled over for speeding,
tell the policeman your spouse has
diarrhea."
Phil's-osophy.
Look how much fun you're gonna have
here, Lily.
So many great toys to play with,
and you're gonna make so many new
friends.
Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about
David Anthony?
He used to call me "Cam the ham."
- Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're
right.
You know what? It's gonna be a great
day.
I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow
up
with a name that rhymes with "ham."
Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
Bitch.
Elaine Stritch.
What?
Not all bullies are straight.
Okay, parents...
Oh! We'll see you at 12:00.
All right. Mm!
This is when the crying starts.
Does it ever stop?
Come on, Cam.
Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?
I know this is gonna be difficult--
Bye!

Okay. That was a knife to the heart.
No, it's--it's a good thing. Come on.
Oh, you know what? She forgot her
snack. Oh.
Where'd she go?
Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
Oh, Lily, honey!
Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
If you ever put your hands on my
daughter again,
I will string you up by your feet, run
you up the flagpole,
and let the birds peck out your eyes.
You understand?
Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!
He pulled my daughter's hair.
Please apologize to Connor
for using your hands instead of your
words.
Sorry, little fella.
I would like to see you in my office.
Right.
- Now, please. - Me, too? Oh.
Stop it. Leave him alone.
Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was
unacceptable.
I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The
hunger games"?
I'm speaking of your behavior.
We've never had an incident like this,
and now we've had one on the first day,
Before circle time.
What the fudge were you thinking?
Now the boy's parents are coming in,
and trust me,
they're mad as hello kitty.
Oh, you told his parents on us?
That is--that is so not cool.
Well, I'm sure once they hear what
their boy did,
they will be understanding.
All right, whoever made our son cry
has messed with the wrong moms.
Lesbians.
While often lumped together, gay men
and lesbians
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Modern.Family.S04E02
have less in common than one might
think.
Like in the Venn Diagram of sexual
identity,
You have gay men...
And straight men.
Both the same gender.
Then you have gay men...
And straight women.
Both attracted to the same gender.
But gay men and lesbians?
No.
Nothing.
I am so sorry we have to meet like
this,
but I'm sure you can understand, as
parents,
the instinct to protect your child.
Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch
you in the neck right now.
Wow. I see where your son gets all of
his aggression.
Okay, let's all take a time-out.
That's a good idea. This is getting a
little heated.
Yeah, Pam,
we don't want another incident like at
the lumberyard.
Oh, my god. You guys go to the
lumberyard, too? D--
I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
Not the bar, sally.
Okay, you know what? He's trying to be
nice,
And you just called him "Sally."
Yeah, you're not being very helpful,
peppermint patty.
Okay. Let's just stick to our actual
names.
Enough.
I'm gonna give you a little homework
assignment.
I want you and your kids to have a
family playdate.
Maybe if the four of you can get along,
You can set a better example for your
 Modern.Family.S04E02

children. Here. And try like this.

I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
- Fine. - Cam?
Fine. We'll host, obviously.
"Obviously"?
I assume you have an unfinished
woodworking project at your house.
You've got a lot of nerve.
Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in
our living room.
I look forward to your frittata.
Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?
Oh, my god.
You have some explaining to do.
I'm so sorry that you had to find out
like this, Jay.
Wow, you two are really far along.
We're, uh, we're still in our first
trimester.
Ay, that's nice.
Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant
for ages.
She's Latina. You just gotta look at
her funny.
Okay, now that everyone has their doll,
Let's talk about swaddling.
Now you want to start by turning one
corner of the blanket
toward you, like a diamond,
And folding the top down,
Like this.
I think they made a mistake at the
hospital.
Tough room.
Now we are going to pull the other
corner 'round,
And tuck it in nice and snug
Like a burrito.
Done! I win.
It's not a race.
You're darn right. It wasn't even
close.
Okay, it's good, but it's a little
tight.
It's a burrito. You don't want the meat
to fall out.
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And see?
Now your baby can breathe.
I wrapped my son with one hand while
driving a stick.
I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
Man, I love being back in the dorms.
It's like I never left.
Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
this could be my room.
Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out
some paperwork.
Why don't you throw the linens on the
bed?
- Oh, and move the car before they tow
us. - Okay.
Oh, my god. What is that shirt?!
Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving
co."
'cause we're moving you here and here.
And also...
Here.
Man, you used to love it when we swung
you like that.
I bet we could still do it.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you dare pick me up! And take
that shirt off.
- What? Why? - It's cute!
It's not cute! Do you see what's
happening out there?
People are walking around and judging
each other.
No, they're not.
Oh, really?
You didn't see the way
muffin top across the hall was looking
at me?
People can be cruel. So take it off.
Fine.
Oh, my god! Put on a shirt!
I don't know what you want from me!
"You only get one chance at a first
impression.
I suggest Julia Child, because it's

easy to do."
"Save the giblets."
Time to go to the beach!
You're gonna go to the beach with a
dog?
I don't know what I did
- to deserve this. - Yeah.
I want to show Connor my toys.
Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.
Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.
Thank you for that.
Okay, we have an assortment of spring
rolls here.
All vegetarian, of course.
Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm
automatically a vegetarian?
Well, I saw it on "The L word."
I assume they have consultants.
I'm just saying it's an offensive
stereotype.
Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
Knock it off.
Worked out.
Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah.
I mean, we're the only gay parents in
the class.
Yeah, we should be supporting one
another.
I mean, we have so much in common.
Exactly.
So...
Tell us about yourselves.
I'm an environmental lawyer.
Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
And--and, uh, and what do you do?
I'm a financial consultant.
I'm a contractor.
You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
Well, figured.
Hey, I have a question real quick.
How do you guys get the car seat on the
motorcycle?
Uh, you know, Connor is having a
birthday next week.
Maybe Lily would like to come.
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Modern.Family.S04E02
Oh, she would love that.
Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
Oh, god, no.
I hate clowns they're so creepy.
Maybe you just don't like them because
they wear makeup.
You know what? I'm out.
- Okay. - Pam.
Connor, we're leaving!
- You--you don't understand. - Pam!
Pam!
Cam used to be a clown.
"Used to be"? Once a clown, always a
clown.
God! Not now! Not now!
Connor, let's go.
Pam.
Why is this door locked?
Here. Let me, please.
Lily, open this door right now.
Okay. I'm not hearing anything.
I'm sure they're fine.
Oh, how are you sure?
Connor!
- Lily! - Connor!
Lily!
Make the water comfortably warm
90 to 100 degrees max.
And never leave the tub unsupervised.
Is there something you two want to
share with the class?
No. It's dirty.
Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher
than you think.
When I was 5 years old, my babysitter
was a goat.
What?
Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
You never said she was a goat.
You know, it's great that we have
a couple of experienced parents in the
class.
Perhaps you can share some of your
wisdom with the rest of us.
Absolutely. It's not rocket science.
 Modern.Family.S04E02

It's babies. They're hungry, you feed Apparently, that's what people do these
'em. days--
They're teething, you give 'em some Buy condoms for their kids.
scotch. When I went to college,
Scotch? my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.
Really? Are you serious? That was their idea of safety.
What? Certainly didn't need condoms.
So we left. Mm, not if you were wearing
I didn't need a lecture from Mary a bike helmet around campus, you
Poppins. didn't. Am I right?
And I was suddenly in a mood for a Why don't we let you guys finish,
burrito. and we'll come back later?
I'd like admission to your student Okay.
body. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness! Yep.
I am so sorry. I thought you were my Yeah, that sounds good.
wife. See you on parents weekend!
What's going on? They seem nice.
He grabbed me and said-- - Guys, I-- - I know. I know.
I thought she was my wife. My wife Look, we need to reorganize a little.
works out a lot. Your dad will go out and get us some
Dad? new sheets.
How'd he grab you? You and I can hang up all the pictures
He squeezed my butt. on the walls.
He what? You know what? I think it's best if you
- Phil! - I thought it was you! guys get going.
Believe me, sir. I'm a respected But we--we wanted to help you, sweetie.
realtor. No, I got it.
This is an innocent mistake. W-what if you wanna move the furniture
Honey, turn around and show him your-- around?
your butt. And we were gonna take you to dinner
- It--it's uncanny. - Dad. before we left.
I am very normal. Please do not judge I like the furniture where it is, and
me based on them. I'm not hungry.
Are those your my little pony sheets? So...
What? No! - Okay. - Okay.
I ordered them online. Um, well, uh, before we leave,
They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm I wanted to give you a little present.
very sorry. It's actually not a little present.
That's what was in the box. It's probably the best present you're
Okay. ever gonna get.
Uh, for the record, I am a respected - It's a collection of all the things
realtor. I've learned-- - Thanks.
Those are not my condoms. Attention.
She bought 'em. Dorm meeting in the common room.
Oh, my god. Okay, so...
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I better go.
- I know. - Okay.
Okay, come here. That's my girl.
- Let me get in there. - Okay.
- All right. - Bye!
Bye.
"The most amazing things that can
happen to a human being
will happen to you
if you just lower your expectations."
Oh, they've got something over the
hole.
- Lily! - Connor!
We can't see anything from outside.
The curtains are closed.
Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a
hot dog!
What if something happened to them?
What kind of hazards do you keep in
there?
Well, let's see. That's where we keep
our gun collection,
our abandoned refrigerator,
and our chocolate-covered hypodermic
needles.
Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
It's my coping mechanism!
Okay, that's it!
Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,
back away from the door. I'm gonna
break it down.
I'll help you.
I don't want Connor to go!
I wanna stay!
Oh, thank god they're alive!
I love him!
No, you love the idea of him. Now open
this door, sweetie.
Can we really have hot dogs?
Yes, we promise.
Oh! Come here, sweetheart.
If you ask me...
Sometimes we get so hang up on our
differences.
We forget there's one thing that we
have in common.
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Modern.Family.S04E02
When it comes to the safety and well-
being of our children,
we're all a little bit nuts.
You have dainty little hands, just like
your daughter.
You have boots like my dad.
I'm not saying that the goat put me to
sleep or brushed my teeth.
It just stayed outside my bedroom
window
and scared all the strangers away.
Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little
disappointed.
Hey, kid!
Jay, mom, how was class?
It was great. It was very educating
and--
And now we know everything about the
baby, no?
Interesting, because your teacher
called,
and you forgot your sunglasses when you
left...
Three hours early.
Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
Manny, it's no big deal.
They weren't telling us anything we
didn't already know.
We're going to have a baby.
Am I the only one who's terrified?
But why?
Why are you so terrified?
What if it doesn't know not to pick up
knives
or stick its finger in an electric
socket?
You were pretty lax, mom.
I was the one who told you
to turn the pot handles towards the
stove
so I couldn't reach them.
Manny, I didn't worry about those
things
because you worried for the both of us.

What if this baby doesn't think things
through?
It's part Jay.
No offense taken.
If the baby's different, we'll be
different.
Hey.
When you were growing up,
you had to be the man of the house and
the kid.
Now I'm here. You just have to be the
kid.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to
the baby,
just like I'm not ever gonna let
anything happen to you.
Okay?
Okay. That is a load off.
Although you forgot to pick me up last
week after tango class.
We didn't forget. We were just ten
minutes late.
Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy
neighborhood.
Please. It was between a gymboree
and a pottery barn.
"Dance until your feet hurt.
Sing until your lungs hurt.
Act until you're william hurt."
How you doing? Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm...
I'm--I'm--I'm good. You?
Fine. Yeah.
Great.
"Take a lesson from parakeets.
If you're ever feeling lonely,
Just eat in front of a mirror."
"Never be afraid to reach for the
stars,
because even if you fall,
you'll always be wearing a parent-
chute.",
TM."
Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
Yeah.
Where are you guys?
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Modern.Family.S04E02
Almost home, honey.
Dad, I really like that book.
You do?
Sweetheart, is everything okay?
Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you
for everything,
you know, today and stuff.
O-of course.
- Sure. - Of course. If--if you need
anything at all...
You just call us.
I'll probably need some more condoms
soon.
Not funny.
I'm sending you some care bear sheets.
Anyway,
I should probably get going. We have
orientation at 7:00 a.m.
G-good luck with that, sweetie.
I love you, guys.
We love you, too, honey.
So, so much.
Bye.
Bye, Haley.
I'll miss you.
"Marry someone who looks sexy while
disappointed."
See?
"Older black ladies make the best iced
tea."
"Success is 1% inspiration,
98% perspiration,
and 2% attention to detail."
"You can tell a lot about a person from
his biography."
"Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
"If you love something, set it free,
unless it's a tiger."
"If you're ever in jam,
a crayon scrunched up under your nose
makes a good pretend mustache."
"When life gives you lemonade,,
make lemons.
Life will be all like, 'what?!'"