Modern.Family.
S04E04
Modern.Family.S04E04
Is everybody ok?
I'm fine. Thanks for waiting.
What was that?
Water either gas line, the training is
the same.
People, just stay low and move out.
Honey, Luke's gone.
Claire, spontaneous human combustion is
very rare.
I don't think he exploded, Phil.
The rope ladder works. At least someone
followed protocol.
Oh! Oh, it's there!
Smoke is coming out of Luke's stupid
suitcase.
Like his old man, Luke is a magician.
I'm taking lessons from some guy my dad
found online.
He came personally recommended from the
guy who runs
The Warlock Conference up in Modesto.
Ocupad, big guy.
Find another foxhole.
*This is how we learn to sing*
*Who can go up here with me?*
Cam took a job teaching music at the
local middle school.
Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.
I'm excited for me,
but I'm probably more excited for the
students
because a great teacher is a gift.
Hasn't started yet.
I have to tip my hat to my high school
music teacher...
A real force of nature
who was also the defensive coordinator
for the football team
and supervised calf birthing for the
animal husbandry club.
Doris Olson. Great lady.
Lady.
*This is how... we learn to sing*
Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.
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It's one night.
No, I don't want to be without you,
not even one night in my whole life.
What can I make you?
How about a little room on my side of
the bed?
I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's
a knockout. But...
she's at that place in her pregnancy
where, she's, you know... ample.
And the snoring.
I swear in the last ultrasound, the
baby was like this...
So I should be home about noon
tomorrow.
Who drank all the coffee?
Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that.
You know, I haven't, um, been sleeping
too well.
There's actually a funny story about
what's causing that.
Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes
your body is going through,
and that nasal stuffiness is very
common during pregnancy,
but we got a crisis in this house.
You've been snoring. But I got you
these nasal strips.
In the commercial,
the old man's angry red sound waves
turn a gentle blue.
- So I'm like an old man? - No!
Like a dog then? A pig?
What is it, Manny? I'm an old man, a
dog, or a pig?
Jay, help me out here. You've heard it.
I don't know what the boy's talking
about.
If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny,
I don't love it.
Have a little respect for your
beautiful mother.
Thank you, Jay.
You're right. Sorry, mom.
And, Jay,
Have a great trip to San Francisco.

Okay, Lily's drop-off time is between
8:45 and 8:50,
so you should be fine to get work by 9.
Here is her checklist for her backpack.
Oh, I have this whole thing planned.
Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my
jacket,
and say, "Here comes treble."
Big swing on the first day.
Please don't tamp down my enthusiasm.
Okay, what else?
Oh! The dimmer came in for the switch,
so I want you to call the electrician,
but not Brad.
Remember? We had a problem with him
last time about the billing.
He wanted his name above the title?,
Yes, you've done that joke before. So
cute. So funny.
What else? Oh!
Lily needs to get a present for Gio's
birthday party.
And don't be thrown by the invitation.
It is a pirates party, not a pilates
party.
Now sit. I wanna talk juice boxes.
Cam. Cam, I know what's happening here.
You're feeling very anxious about your
first day at work,
And you're focusing that anxiety on my
day with Lily.
Really? Are you sure I'm not
completely confident about my first day
because it's gonna be a home run.
And I am worried about you because
you're taking on
a little bit more of the Lily load?
Don't be scared, sweetie. Mwah!
She's not scared! What are you doing?
- Just call me if you need me. - I
won't!
And thank you for managing my
expectations today.
Not necessary.
I saw you practicing a bow last night.
That was just in fun.
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Modern.Family.S04E04
You know, I highly doubt some teenagers
are gonna
throw rose petals at my feet.
But I wouldn't be surprised
if I got slow-clapped out of my first
class.
Wrong.
I am thinking.
If you were thinking,
you wouldn't have Seattle as the
capital of Washington.
It's Spokane.
Sure, which makes the 11th president of
the United States
"James k. Pslk."
Okay, Alex, stop.
I'm trying to figure this out.
Buzz. Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia.
Make sure you sound out the big scary
words.
Mom, something's on my mind, and it's
really bothering me.
Yeah, it's really bothering me, too,
But I think it's gonna be rich,
so we better be nice to it.
I wanna quit magic.
What?
I'm not really interested anymore,
but I don't think dad's gonna be happy.
Oh, sweetheart. Don't worry about
disappointing your father.
He only wants you to do it if you wanna
do it.
Tell you what. I will talk to dad--
Whoa! Talk to dad? That sounds serious.
Don't do drugs.
Stay in school.
Luke wants to quit magic.
That's not happening.
Well, see you guys at dinner.
Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk
about this?
What's to talk about? The kid's a
natural.
He has everything--
the hands, the patter, the outfits.

Okay, let's play this out.
Even if he is one in a million,
what's our best case scenario here?
He becomes, what...
A professional magician!
Honey, the boy has a gift.
You wanna just throw that away?
I don't think it's about throwing it
away.
I think it's about you pushing him--
Don't I get a say in any of this?
I'm sorry I don't like magic as much as
you,
but I don't.
This isn't about magic.
No, it's about my life and you
controlling it.
Look, you made a commitment. You will
honor that commitment.
Ugh! I hate it here!
Luke!
All right, young ladies and gentlemen,
if I can have your attention, please.
Let's settle down
and let's say a temporary good-bye to
your neighbor
and to life as you know it, because
here comes treble.
That's right, my friends, we got
treble,
Right here at Franklin middle.
I'm Cameron T., and that rhymes with
"G,"
And that stands for "Good morning"!
Huh? Yes! Love the enthusiasm.
Go ahead. First question.
When's Mr. Namagachi coming back?
Okay, Mr. Namagachi isn't coming back,
But there is somebody that I'd like to
introduce you to.
Don't know that you proy met.
She's a good friend of mine,
and she goes by the name of "Music."
And sometimes my friend music can be
shy.
Sometimes she can be angry!
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Modern.Family.S04E04
Sometimes she can be playful.
And sometimes she can be downright a-
funky!
Train wreck.
There's no way he ran this past
Mitchell.
Daddy always parks in the back of the
school.
I know, sweetie, but, uh,
those spots were all taken.
Because we're late?
No, we're, like, a minute late, and
that's 'cause of traffic.
And because I tipped over.
You didn't snap my car seat right.
Okay, well, it certainly didn't hurt
your memory any.
All right, here's your lunch.
You spilled it!
Oh! Why is the top open?
Daddy always zips it for me.
Maybe you should zip it.
I heard that.
So with just a few more minutes left--
- Mr. Namagachi-- - used to work here,
but he got fired, okay?
So now let's form an orchestra
made up of my favorite instruments--
your beautiful bodies.
Gettin' creepy.
Okay, so you guys are gonna be my, uh,
table slappers.
You're my bass line.
Okay, and you're gonna be mouth
trumpeters in the back with the melody.
Okay, now let's bring it all together.
One, two, three.
The bass line is a little-- a little
softer.
Okay, louder with the mouth trumpets.
Okay. Great. Well, thank you so much.
And, um, I thought it was a great first
day.
And I love the give-and-take, everyone.
And, um...
Hey, dad. How's Frisco?
 Modern.Family.S04E04

My meetings ended early. Thank you for sarcastically asking.

I didn't even have to spend the night. Yeah.
And don't say "Frisco." Okay, did you call the electrician
They hate it when you call it "Frisco." about the dimmer?
How do you know what they hate? Yes. Yeah.
You've been there two times in your Yeah, I'm on the other line with him
life. right now.
Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Oh, well, I should probably let you go.
Gloria's snoring like a water buffalo. Keep your eye on Lily. She has a
Aw. Well, she's pregnant. It's tendency to wander off.
uncomfortable. Cam... Uh, wh-wh--I'm-- I'm totally
What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30? capable of...
We're not doing this again. How do I - You lost her, didn't you? - No. No,
bring it up? no, no, no.
Well, for starters, you don't. No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey.
You suck it up. I can hear it in your voice. Look in
Dad, your hot wife the dairy case.
who was learning to walk when you were Cam, do you honestly think that I would
30 years old, lose...
is pregnant with a baby you conceived the doors don't pull. They slide.
doing something most men would kill to You never saw me.
do. Thank you very much.
- I'm just so tired. - It's a small Look, um, I thought about it,
sacrifice and if you really want to, you can quit
compared to what she's going through. magic.
Poor thing, You just have to do one thing first--
what with the extra... 30? 35? 40? 45? execute the Butler's escape.
We're done. It goes without saying that the
All right, here we go. How's this? Butler's escape
That's not the kind we get. is one of the most challenging feats of
Okay. escapology
Hello? Hey, Cam. an illusionist can perform.
Just checking in on me again? It's--it's based, of course, on the
Yeah. Just wanted to see if you got well-known story
Lily. of the Earl of Flanning's manservant
Yeah, we're--we're just-- we're at the Percy,
grocery store, who was imprisoned in the Tower of
having a great time. London,
Oh. Yeah. Any questions about the... and as we all know, refused to take off
about the grocery list? his uniform
No, we're just picking up the granola. when he was shackled.
So how was it? How was the big debut? Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert
Was it a comfortable ride around the slept,
schoolyard Percy freed himself and leapt over the
on the shoulders of the children? sleeping guard,
Well, I stood and delivered. giving rise to the popular
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expression...
"Percy jumped the Gert."
Why are you making me do this stupid
trick?
I think you're quitting...
because magic's getting hard,
and that's not a good reason for
quitting anything.
But...
if you can do this,
then I'll know that you genuinely don't
like it,
and you'll have my blessing to pursue
other interests.
No strings attached.
Sorry, buddy.
I'm so sorry.
You're kidding, right?
You cannot really be enjoying that
stupid show.
I was changing channels.
God. Why are you so mean lately?
Is something wrong with you?
Is it that obvious?
Oh, my gosh. Come on. You can talk to
me.
There's this girl at school, and...
She got pregnant.
No.
I know. I've been trying to help her,
But with all the pills she's taking,
she kinda lashes out.
Oh, honey, this is too much for you to
take on alone.
- Where are the parents? - They're no
help.
Dad's all consumed with his plastic
surgery business,
and her mom's an ex-model who's trying
to launch a music career.
You're describing the show I was just
watching, right?
I'm just saying, mix in a book every
now and then.
Mean! Mean!
Try to see this from my perspective.
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Modern.Family.S04E04
I can't.
I'm not raising a quitter.
Trust me. I know what's best for you.
And watch your time. In the stage
version,
the rope's on fire, and you're
suspended over a bed of nails.
I hate this! Why are you making me do
this?
Use that anger, Lukini.
Let it be the key that opens the vault
of fear...
that holds the chalice of hope
that contains the elixir of success.
In a few short minutes...
Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
I quit.
So how was your first day? Tell me
everything.
Well, you know, it was a lovefest.
And the kids-- they were, you know,
and...
Is that a roast?
W--yes. Yes. But I'm surprised you
could smell it over the
no-dairy yellow pepper bisque with
cheesy croutons.
Oh, wow. You had time to do a roast and
soup.
- Hi, daddy! - Hi, angel!
How are you? Did you miss daddy?
Wow. Bathed and braided.
Yeah. Let me just put you in a more
flattering light here.
The dimmer.
Who'd you call?
I called myself 'cause I did it.
Yeah, I had time after picking up Gio's
present,
so, uh... Go show daddy what it is.
- Okay. - Yeah.
It sounds like you had a pretty
successful day yourself.
Well, it's just a matter of being
organized.
But who am I telling, huh?
 Modern.Family.S04E04

You do this sort of stuff every day. then he had a worse day than me.
Oh, blow on that. Oh, she was horrible, Cam.
So tell me more about the kids. - You know what? It's gonna get better.
Well, it was as I predicted, you know. - No, I know.
They just needed somebody to come in We just need some time to settle into
there these new roles.
and bring music back to life. You were right to lower my
And, you know, that person was... expectations.
that person was... I just wish I had lowered mine.
It's not me! This gonna work its way around to a
What's happening? "Thank you," Ladies?
It was a disaster, Mitchell. Hey, honey.
They hated me! Surprise! I'm in San Francisco!
Not just the kids, the teachers. What?
They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. I dropped Manny at a friend's and, I
I had to sit alone. know it's crazy,
Oh, honey. but I hopped on a plane and I'm here!
And my sweater--the shop teacher I'm driving to the hotel.
spilled juice on it. That is so great.
He said it was an accident, but it The thing is, honey, I'm not here right
wasn't an accident. now.
- It's okay - It's not okay! See, I'm, uh, I'm out at dinner.
I failed miserably. Probably won't be back for, um...
And look at you. You did everything so Oh, I don't know. A couple of hours.
perfectly. It's okay. I'll wait for you there.
Well, yes. Don't be silly. How often do you get to
And--and--and no. san francisco?
Look, look, I... I gotta tell ya. There's so much to see there.
Uh... I've just been watching I mean, here.
how you've done things all these years, Ghirardelli square? Fisherman's wharf?
and I just perfected it. Alcatraz? Hey, take that segway tour.
- Oh, please, Mitchell! - Claire... That's a great way to see the city.
Cam, he was every bit the failure you And when you get the chowder,
are. Make sure it one of those bread bowls.
He was late picking up Lily. She was in You can eat the bowl.
with the custodians. Yeah, it's a story you'll tell for a
The only thing he had less to do with lifetime.
than dinner You know what? Later on...
was the dimmer. Maybe we can watch some of your Lance
And her hair was in braids because Burton DVDs.
there was gum in it. Thanks. I think I just wanna try this
And... why are we hugging? escape.
Because I know if he called you for Would you mind tightening my arms?
help Oh. Sure. Here.
and heard as many insults as I know he It's just hard, you know?
had to hear, It's the first time he hasn't shared
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one of my interests.
It's scary to think that this is the
start of us growing apart.
Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase.
Alex is going through something right
now.
I wish I could figure that out.
- I can't breathe. - Anxiety.
No, no, I'm--I'm fighting the jacket.
The key to this escape is balance.
The whole thing is based on the idea of
opposing forces.
Holding each other in check.
That actually makes some sense.
Some sense?
There are two things I know with dead
certainty--
How to shoulder roll out of a human
pyramid,
and the black arts of the Butler's
escape.
No, honey, our house is out of balance,
because Alex is missing her opposing
force.
Mm? Yeah.
Oh. Y-you're missing out.
Some people describe this escape as
visual poetry.
Honey?
oh, no.
Gloria.
You told me that you were in Frisco,
and you were here in a hotel?
Let me just say one thing.
Don't say "Frisco." They hate that.
And how the hell did you find me?
The house has been a little noisy
lately.
And the school library is a pickup
scene.
So where does a kid go for some peace
and quiet?
Tell me right now if you're having an
affair,
and we will find some time later for me
to kill you.
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Modern.Family.S04E04
No. I'm just trying to have one night
away from your snoring.
You came to a hotel to sleep?
I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to
hurt your feelings,
but you're huge and you're loud.
It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh.
And I didn't want to bring it up
because I figured
you'd get mad at me the way you got mad
at Manny.
I am not mad at you because you told me
that I snore.
I am mad at you because you didn't say
anything.
'cause I didn't want to get yelled at.
Well, too bad.
When you're married to me,
you're going to get yelled at many
times.
And you're tough enough to take it.
That's what I love about our marriage.
We can say whatever we want,
but the next day, we're still there.
That's what I like about it, too.
What am I gonna say you couldn't
forgive me?
There are things, Jay.
You ready to go?
I was thinking, it's such a shame
that this hotel room is going to go to
waste.
I like where this is headed.
Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you
tomorrow morning, okay?
Hey, dad.
Hey, buddy.
Look, I-I'm sorry if I--
No no no, don't apologize.
There's still plenty of stuff we can do
together.
So if you want out,
you are... Out!
Uh, I know we bought a lot of magic
stuff,
but we can return some of it--
 Modern.Family.S04E04

Merlin's hat, the gloves, most of the Well, honey, I just wanted to check in
capes. and say hi.
What about houdini's wands? Alex, come say hi to your sister!
They kinda got broken. I love you so much.
All three? What happened? What's up, lady?
I got you carbon fiber. Oh, my god. You did not just say,
Some kids were messing around with them "What's up, lady?"
at school. What's wrong with you?
What do you mean? What--what were they I was just saying hello--
doing? Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've
I don't really want to talk about it. ever said.
You know, I went through that, And what is that shirt?
kids--kids messing with my stuff. What are you, a flapper?
- Really? - Oh, yeah. In high school, I just bought it at that store that
When I first got nominated for junior you--
tumbling congress, Oh, where? Forever 1921?
my parents had to sign a... release! And what is going on with your hair?
Anyway, my buddy dizzy Brindizzi What's wrong with my hair?
saw it, grabbed it, and made a lot of Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy
fun of me. repellent.
I thought about not going. Shut up! Mom!
But you did. And balance...
Oh, yeah. Had a blast. is restored.
Made a lot of friends,
shared milkshakes with more than one
female tumbler.
The minute I stopped caring what other
people thought
and started doing what I wanted to do,
is the minute
I finally felt... Free!
Buddy...
You're gonna make your own choices,
and whatever you decide, I'll always
support you.
You're not just saying all this 'cause
you're stuck, right?
Nothing you decide will ever disappoint
me.
Thanks, dad.
Relax your arms,
roll your shoulders forward,
bend down your head,
exhale...
And then arch.
Uh... It sorta worked.
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