Modern.Family.
S04E05
Modern.Family.S04E05
Why there are giant lolipops all over
the front yard?
And why they taste so bad?
Because they are made of cardboard,
mouth breather.
Hey, the world needs more dreamers,
Luke
Never stop licking things.
I know it's lame,
but after last year we promised the
neighbours
we would keep our decorations more
family friendly.
We can't carve a pumpkin?
The petition was very specific.
Every Halloween, we have the best
house.
Last year, I took things to a whole new
level.
But appearently it's too scary for some
kids.
And one adult.
Trick-or-treat!
Would you like some candy?
Yeah!
Or would you rather have this?
Come on. You're fine.
I don't care what anyone says.
You did not give that man a heart
attack.
Thank you.
I mean, you're not even scary.
Can I grab a little bit of this candy
for my open house tonight?
Uh, yeah, sure, but...
It's genius. An open house
Halloween.
Millions of bored parents,
just trying to keep their... kids out
of traffic.
Now they can get away from all that,
And see a nice house.
What do you mean, I'm not even scary?
I literally almost scared the life out
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of a man.
You literally scared a little saliva
And a little urine out of him.
That happens to me every time I see a
monkey wearing people clothes.
I was plenty scary.
I used professional-grade makeup.
That's the point, Claire. It was
overkill.
You're the kind of person
who can be twice as scary without
wearing any makeup. Bye.
You remembered to pick up the costumes,
right?
Yes, they're right over there.
Very excited.
Cam has lost a lot of weight--
No.
So we're throwing a Halloween party
to debut the new him.
I'll be dressed as a matador.
Wh-what is it now, 30?
So I've lost Lily.
Where is lily?
- Do you--you don't have her? - No.
Why would I have her?
- I don't have her in my pocket. - Cam?
What about the tiara?
Uh, we didn't buy one.
You can just use the one from last
year.
Are we poor?
No, sweetheart, but you don't need two
tiaras.
How about next Halloween you try a
different costume?
No. I have to be a princess.
on Every year? Why?
Because my mom's a princess,
Just like you told me.
Cam and I have always known that
someday,
we were gonna have to have the big talk
with lily,
about who her mom was.
We--we were gonna pick the right time
 Modern.Family.S04E05

and do it together, It was--it was honestly a mistake.

Carefully following an agreed-upon L-listen, um, you--you could do that
script. other thing that you thought of.
Then I got tired. You could put on that gorgeous white
"And she was the most beautiful suit
princess in all the land. that fits you so well now,
The end." and you could be Mr. Roarke,
Again. and Lily could be your Tattoo.
Why is Tyler's mommy so fat? No! I have to be a princess!
Oh, that's because she has-- she has a Oh, but, Lily, you were a princess last
baby in her belly. year.
Okay? Good night. No! You promised! I'm being a princess!
Was I in my mom's belly? Why is she so obsessed with princesses?
Lily, no more questions, all right? Well...
Just--just go to sleep. Like we weren't at that age?
Where's my mom now? I mean...
Um, she's... I'm not mad about the ticket.
in a faraway land. It's just the first time I couldn't
Why? charm my way
Because she's a princess. Out of one of these things.
And she's... very, very busy. The way I see it, it's not a ticket.
Okay. It's a conversation.
I thought that she'd forget about it by No offense. You don't need that siren.
the next morning. You could stop traffic just getting out
I mean, I did. of that squad car.
Oh, I knew I was gonna have to tell License and registration, please.
Cam, I, uh...
and he was gonna be furious, I'm no stranger to the police academy
but I was hoping that he'd see the myself.
bigger issue. Seen all seven of them.
You know, I was really tired. Sir, no one's seen all seven.
Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing - Is this information accurate? - Yeah.
about Lily wanting to be a princess Uh, except for the weight.
again? I thought they wanted to know how much
Well, I-I think it might be because I I could curl.
let her believe I must be getting rusty with my moves.
- her mother was-- - This is a Moves? What moves?
nightmare. You know, flash the baby blues,
- It was just a mistake. - More like a hit 'em with the devilish grin.
disaster. In case of emergency, break glass
They sent the matador costume in your and bust out the dimple.
size, Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
and the bull costume in mine. 'cause I'm 100. Chicken pox.
Oh. I didn't notice. Um... And it doesn't matter where it's from.
Now no one's gonna see my bod It always worked.
in this bulky bull costume. Hey, mom.
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Manny, why are you coming back from
school so late?
I got sent to the principal's office.
Oh. I am sending him an angry e-mail,
because I don't like when--
No, no, no. It's not his fault.
- What did you do wrong? - Nothing.
Oh, that's it. I'm calling him.
- I hate when he tries to-- - Nothing
on purpose.
It was between periods, right before
this big test.
I was clearing my mind by practicing
some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
- As one does. - Right.
And my umbrella accidentally snagged
the fire alarm.
The principal thought I did it on
purpose
- so we'd miss the test. - But you
didn't!
That's it! I'm going to his house!
Mom! You gotta stop doing this.
I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy,
which we both know isn't your fault...
But lately you've been such a hothead.
I am not a hothead! I am Colombian.
We get excited.
My country is covered in coffee.
Just like the Starbucks girl
when she got your order wrong?
Half-caf, non-fat wet soy latte.
How hard is that to hear?!
You don't get to be 2-time
nonconsecutive
district salesman of the year without
thinking inside the box.
That's right. I said "Inside."
You know why? 'cause while everyone's
chasing each other around outside the
box,
You know what the box is?
Empty.
Which brings us back to our formal
dining room.
Now any questions?
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Modern.Family.S04E05
Can we have our candy now?
Just as soon as we go over
what you're gonna tell your parents.
- Now what was our style? - Pre-war
craftsman.
Good, good. And how many square feet?
Still no trick-or-treaters?
- Not yet. - Well, maybe people are
going out later this year.
Well, the street's full of kids,
but they're actively detouring around
our house.
Move along.
Who wants some candy?
Plenty of name-brand...
- family-friendly candy right here. -
Oh! It's a trap!
No. I--ooh, how about you? Hey--
You want some candy, right? Come on,
- have some candy! - Mom! Mommy, she's
got me!
No, I don't-- I'm not trying--
- My candy! - Just leave it!
Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch
and Cam's party.
Gloria, does my skin look looser to
you?
What?
Maybe I should try some of that fancy
neck cream of yours.
Don't you have some with specks of
diamonds in it or something?
Trick-or-treat.
You guys don't even have costumes.
I'm a skeleton.
And I'm--I'm a lemon.
Aren't you too old to be trick-or-
treating?
Aren't you too old to be having a baby?
Ah, you find that funny, lemon?
Here's a better joke.
Knock, knock. What's gone?
Your candy!
What was that?
Some rude dummies, that they think that
they can--
 Modern.Family.S04E05

All right, listen. Let's just calm Conrad!

down. Take one. I'm an egg donor.
Get ready for the party. I love your costume, too, Cam. Adora-
Calm down what? bull.
You think I'm a hothead, like Manny? Oh, well, thank you. It's all in fun.
No! I half-wanted to wear something
You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. tighter.
Still, that's a far cry from-- - You know, I've been reducing. - I can
You put egg on my house, see.
I kill what you love! - Well, you say it like you can't. -
psycho. No, no, no. I totally can.
- Plush utility room? - Yeah, right. Impressive, huh?
I know a hall closet when I see one. Yeah. I'm--I'm gonna...
And your dad never lies? - Hey, Cam. - Mm?
What medical school I'm hearing a rumor that you keep
did the great appliance doctor attend? flashing our guests.
-Hey, Delgado. - Oh, no! Durkas! Oh, well, not in a perverted way.
What I wouldn't give for this umbrella I just want people to see my body
to have under this stupid costume.
Mary Poppins' powers. That's very close to what actual
Oh, I pray he didn't hear that. flashers say.
Heard you pulled the fire alarm today - Daddy? - Yeah, one second, honey.
and got us out of that test. I'm just tired of throwing out
- Good job. - Thanks, Mr. Durkas. compliments
You know what? You don't need to call and not getting anything back.
me that anymore. I told Roberto his spray tan looked
Anyway, we're all meeting at the real.
playground at 8:00 Look for yourself. It's on two of our
And heading out, if you want to join. pillows and our cat.
You're totally going to that. Daddy. Yeah?
Yeah, if you want to ruin your Lookit. It's my mommy. She came.
reputation. Oh. Oh, no, honey, that's not your
You're finally gonna be in with the mommy.
cool kids. It's not?
You need to talk at the school assembly No, no. That's just one of daddy's
on Monday friends.
and apologize to all the teachers. - What's going on? - Oh, nothing.
Teachers. More like public sector She just wants one of these cupcakes.
parasites. - But I already had... - Oh, there you
Be strong, Manny. go, honey.
Be smart. Adventures, parties. Okay, off you go. Mingle! Mingle!
Juvie, heartache. Looks like some people came by.
Girls! Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had a few.
But not the kind we want. I saw that.
They're all the kind we want. Hello?
Mr. Dur-- Hey, honey.
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Hi. How's your open house?
Pretty empty, actually.
I kind of just took it out
on a Harry Potter.
Seriously, though, a Gryffindor
letting his mom carry his Quidditch
broom?
How Hufflepuff is that?
It's pretty lonely here, too.
We have been shunned by the whole
neighborhood.
That's ridiculous.
All over some mild little gag you
pulled?
It was not mild. There was an
investig...
Oh, I-I thought I heard someone.
I guess it was just trees tapping
against the window.
It's pretty creepy over here in this
rattly old house.
Anyway, I'll probably give it another
30 minutes,
then I'll see you at home.
Okay. Bye.
What are you laughing about?
Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know.
Your poor, dumb dad.
I'll fill you in at the staff meeting
after Keneally's done telling us about
his morning commute.
That's hilarious! You sound just like
him.
You are so doing that at Christmas
talent night.
Dude, "Rich Girl", "Sara Smile"...
then a "Maneater" Encore.
It was scary how good they were.
Close your eyes, it could have been the
real band.
Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool
once,
and now he wants to double the stakes.
Oh, I'm so scared!
Right?
Well, this night was a bust.
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Modern.Family.S04E05
not a single person even...
Or did I speak too soon?
Was someone in the mood to be a bad
little ghoul?
Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you.
I'm...hey, that's just...that's just
the divorce talking.
Hang in there.
Bye-bye.
Well, someone decided to take a trip
to Fantasy Island after all.
Well, I'm tired of people not noticing
my new physique.
If this doesn't work, I'm breaking out
the diaper
and top hat and going as Baby New Year!
Hello.
Oh, my god!
John-John, is that you?
- You look amazing. - Thanks!
That's what happens when you lose 100
pounds.
Oh, come on. What a...
- Who wants to lift me? - Me.
Come on. How could he have not called
us?
Oh, my god, he's as light as a feather.
You know what? I'm gonna go lift him
and shake him till his staples pop.
Cam, stop!
Just saying that we could have caught
those kids.
What, and chase them around all night?
I'm not a young man anymore,
as the world keeps pointing out.
What did that waiter just call you
outside?
Medieval Knievel.
That is hilarious.
I love when people put some thought
into their outfit.
Illegal Alien, Sugar Daddy.
Why do you say "illegal"?
Because antennas are alien, and
you're...
What? Illegal?
 Modern.Family.S04E05

Because of the color of my skin? What is she talking about, Mitchell?

Why don't I dump your baby in your gas My real mom. She is, right?
tank? Okay, I think we need to have a little
Gloria! Uh, no hard feelings, please. talk.
Just enjoy the party, okay? Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's
First of all, relax. We're at a party. getting?
Secondly, you've been deported twice. Nice try. I will be back for that
You're not allowed to be that answer.
defensive. This isn't gonna work, Claire...
What is it with me lately? 'cause I know you're here.
Manny's right. I'm such a hothead. What's the plan, anyway?
It happens. You're pregnant. You gonna pop out at me?
That's what it is, isn't it? It's gonna take more than that to scare
It's the baby. It's angry in there. this--
- No! - Yes! - Hello?! - Hi!
You just said it yourself. I have Is the house still open?
changed. Oh, yes! Yes! I'll be right down.
I have an angry baby inside of me Claire, this is serious! I have a job!
making me do bad things! Not that you don't. You work 24/7
It's just hormones. and you don't get half the appreciation
It's your mama bear instinct kicking you deserve.
in. Can we talk about this later?
And that's a good thing, As you potential buyers can see,
because that means you're gonna be a This is a, uh, a beautiful home.
great mom--again. What's behind here?
Do you really think so? Oh, I wouldn't go in there!
You got a lucky little kid in there. Unless you love formal dining rooms.
He's got a mom who's not gonna let - Honey, look at this. - I'm in the
anyone harm him. kitchen.
Or her. Oh, we should probably stay together.
Or--or him. Come on, Sheila.
Trick-or-treat. - Phil, one question. Are these-- -
Go ahead. Wait, wait.
You better run! I just love to see people's reactions
Oh, my gosh, When I show them--
Is that the most precious thing you've So much storage. What? It's crazy!
ever seen? I think you guys will find that this
Oh, my god. house
Do you know other princesses? is full of so many... delightful
Trust me. I know lots. surprises
Okay. Bedtime. That you'll be happy here for--
Oh, no, it's not that late. - Oh, my god! - I don't know her!
Do you know my mom? She's a princess. Is this the original tub?
She's exhausted. What? Yes, it is.
She's not making sense. She's so tired. It is, uh, the original tub.
Daddy, you told me! Um, original fixtures, beveled mirror,
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Just a-a huge stall shower.
If you guys would, uh, want to have a
party.
I'm kidding, of course.
But, um, just a house with a real
personality.
We'll be right in, sweetie.
We agreed to tell Lily about her mother
together,
wearing calming earth tones,
and we agreed to tell her the truth.
I know, but haven't you ever said
something dumb to Lily
that you wish she would just forget?
This isn't about me. Let's just fix
this.
Okay, great. Although...
the way you agreed so quickly makes me
wonder
what sort of things you've told her.
I may have told her her fibs kills
birds.
Wow. We're coming back to that one.
Oh, hi, princess.
Hey, Lil. Could we talk to you for a
second?
Am I in trouble?
Oh, gosh, no. Of course not, sweetie.
Um... Well, do you remember how we used
to tell you
there was a heaven for all the flowers
that die?
What do you mean, "used to"?
Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with
it later.
Much much are you not telling me?
Why are you talking like this?
Daddies took a little side trip.
- Sorry, sweetie. - Um, so sometimes,
uh,
we tell you things like that to make
you feel better.
And I might have done the same thing
when I told you that your mom is a
princess.
So she's not?
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Modern.Family.S04E05
Well, you know what?
- She might be. - She might be.
But we can't know for sure, honey,
Because... well, we don't know where
she is
Or... what she's doing.
B-but what--what we do know
is that she loved you very, very
much...
And she knew that she couldn't take
care of you,
so she made sure that you went
with the most loving family she could
find.
And that's how the three of us became a
family.
Does that make sense, sweetie?
Do you have any questions for us?
Why did you say a fib and kill a bird?
I noticed you walking in with your wife
earlier.
She's stunning.
You know my favorite part of that
compliment?
You knew she was my wife.
Half the world thinks she's my
daughter.
Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky
girl.
Bummer for me, though.
Handsomest man in here, and he's taken.
I'll bet you do all right with the
boys.
I do.
It's the men I'm interested in.
You just put it all right out there,
don't you?
I always try to hold a little something
back.
Oh, my gosh.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him.
- No, but you know that's a-- - I know.
He needs this.
Okay.
- It was great meeting you, Jay. - You,
too, Sam.
 Modern.Family.S04E05

Wow! Looks like somebody really likes I wasn't really that scared.
you. Okay.
What can I say? I still got it. Hey, you never told me if you hit those
I've been meaning to ask you-- have you kids with that egg.
lost some weight? They blended into the crowd,
- Because you look good. - Wow, you but there was a slow one with them.
have no idea He couldn't run so fast,
what that means to hear from you, Jay. and I nailed him pretty good.
Uh, turn it that way. - I warned you. - Okay, Reuben.
I thought this might cheer you up. Where are your cool friends now?
Da plane! Da plane! Not q-tipping your ear, that's for
Baby girl! sure.
Look you! You even taught her the Okay, Reuben.
catchphrase. This is why I never hang out with cool
Yeah. Jay, have you seen my new tattoo? kids.
- Be in touch. - Well, thanks so much Yeah, you rejected them,
for coming. Shortly after you and your mom
- Yeah. Thanks. - Okay. roller danced at the talent show.
Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can Oh... we were robbed.
come out now. Couldn't have been the song you picked.
Claire? "Wind beneath my w--" Ow!
Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't
scary.
It's been such a long day.
Can we please just go home?
All right. I'm leaving without ya.
So... this remote you know how to use.
Yes?
Phil, where are you?
Claire? Where are you?
I came over to scare you, but then I
heard you
showing the house to that couple,
so I got out of your way.
Are you at home?
Yeah. I got here ten minutes ago.
S-so... So you're saying...
This call isn't coming from inside the
house?
What are you talking about? Just get
home.
The kids and I are hungry.
Yeah, hurry up, dad.
We miss you!
Miss you, too, buddy.
Trick-or-treat!
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