Running head: THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE

The Role of a Father in an Adolescent Boys Life Terry Wolf Arizona Christian University

THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE The Role of a Father in an Adolescent Boys Life Biases, assumptions, and controversies Over the past couple of decades, the father's role in the family has, at the very least been trivialized, and in the worst cases, fathers have been portrayed as morons. Since women are biologically the only members of our species that can carry a baby, family law has been stacked against the father. He is treated as though his only familial role is that of a sperm donor, and in

some instances, where lesbian couples decide that they want children, a man is not required even in this capacity. In her article, Dahlia Lithwick (2002) states, "The womb wins" (para. 3). To a great extent men have brought this on themselves by not taking responsibility for their actions in getting women pregnant. They have their fun and then leave the woman to raise the child. They see sex as a recreational pastime and give no thought to the well-being of their children. This worldview has led to the decline of the nuclear family, and in this writer's opinion, generations of boys have grown up not knowing how to be men and girls mature biologically without experiencing healthy, nonsexual relationships with a male. For the good our country and humankind, this needs to change. Men must stop being just fathersthey must start being Dads. Experience of the Adolescent When a boy is growing up, he needs his father to be thereto teach him how to live life and relate to people. He needs his father to show him the way. He has to be initiated. There is no other way. In his book, John Eldredge states that the women in a boys life cannot do this for they dont know how (Eldredge, 2009, p. 6). The boy is a man, however small, and they are not. Masculinity must be bestowed on a boy by a man (Eldredge, et al., 2009, p. 5). This initiation is a process (Eldredge, et al., 2009, p. 7). It does not happen overnight. In the past, fathers and their sons lived and worked in very close proximity, sometimes painfully

THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE close and the father would pass on knowledge learned over generations. This knowledge was usually a family trade such as carpentry, farming, or survival skills like fishing and hunting (Eldredge, et al., 2009, p. 6). Quite often other men would contribute to the training of the boys in the community because the community needed these skills to exist. Many cultures even had Rites Of Passage traditions and ceremonies. This closeness would build bonds between the men and was especially important to the relationship of father and son (Eldredge, et al., 2009).

Boys long for a close relationship with their father, to be loved by them, and to be praised for their accomplishments (Eldredge, et al., 2009, p. 14). In many instances, this closeness is not there and the boy has no other man in whom he can confide. Boys dont want to seem weak to their peers, so they bury their emotions and stay in a relatively small comfort zone. They avoid situations, like true emotional involvement, which would take them out of these comfort zones and hold back where they are not sure of success (Eldredge, 2009). What we now have is a world full of uninitiated men. Boys, really, living in a mans body, who have a mans responsibilities; wife, family and job. These boys were never bestowed their masculine heritage. The process was never completed (Eldredge, et al., 2009, p. 7). Research In nuclear families, as children get older, fathers and mothers modify their caregiving roles. Fathers tend to become more involved in their children's care, and mothers involvement decreases somewhat. This is especially true when there are more boys than girls in the family (Newman & Newman, 2009, p. 468). As the transition from childhood to early adolescence occurs, the adolescent/parent relationship is very important as the teenager needs his parents guidance for the socialization

THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE

process. However, if the parents have not kept up an open line of communication with their child from early on in the child's life, it is highly unlikely, or at the least, very difficult to initiate this process now (Gaertner, Fite, & Colder, 2009, p. 101). It is for this reason that fathers must take interest in, and have an active part in their child's life. Especially in early adolescence, the teenage boy has not had time to develop healthy coping skills, and therefore, they are at higher risk for high risk behaviors because they may not be prepared to deal with all the changes that seem to be coming at them all at once (Curtis, 2008). It is at this time that a fathers firm, but loving, guidance is most needed. Scriptural Principles In the culture of the ancient Mid-East, men wielded the ultimate authority in their households. Legally, the master of the house had the power of life and death over his wife, his children and his slaves (Hawthorne, 1993, p. 417). In Ephesians 5 and 6 (New American Standard Bible), Paul is reinforcing the hierarchy in that societys basic unit the family, or household. What Paul stresses is that the authority of the man should be tempered with love, just as Christ loves. Wives and children should be under the authority of their husbands, but not out of fear of punishment. A husband should love his family and not treat them as chattel. Fathers, being the head of the household, had the ultimate responsibility for the way their children turned out. As far as his civil authority was concerned, a father could impose harsh punishment, and even death, on his children. Paul turns this around for the believers and commands them in Ephesians 6:4 to train their children in the way of the Lord. Christs way is love. Therefore, a father must make sure that his child is trained in both worldly and spiritual matters in such a way that his love for the child is the governing factor. A man of God will not

THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE

unduly punish his children (Ephesians 6:4). He should lead by example, with kindness and love, teaching them to be self-disciplinarians, and ensuring that they know Christ. In today's world this kind of love and discipline is lacking, even among many Christians. In the end, God will hold each man accountable for his actions in this life. However, even if a man does not confess Christ as Lord, common sense should indicate the truth and practicality of the Biblical approach to child rearing. Professional Awareness The absence of a father in a household can be, and usually is, devastating to adolescent children. Probably even worse than not having their father there is when he is present physically but emotionally distant, unwilling or unable to connect with his children. For many years, the focus on understanding emotional attachment has been on how infants, toddlers, and young children respond to their mothers. Paternal attachment has been overlooked. In her article, Heather Geddes highly suggests that fathers need to take their rightful place in the familial scheme and that professional counselors stress the need for fathers to be deeply involved in the lives of their children, even in the case of parental separation. She goes on to state, after citing several studies, These outcomes reflect the powerful impact of the father relationship whether present or absent. Child development emotionally, cognitively and socially appears to be supported by paternal presence and undermined by paternal absence (Geddes, 2008, p. 402). Counselors and other professionals must recognize and support both halves of the parental team. In cases of paternal emotional detachment, the counselor should stress the importance of the fathers involvement. Where parents are separated, they should be taught how important input from both of them are in their childrens life and pains should be taken that the child not be allowed to pit mother against father.

THE ROLE OF A FATHER IN AN ADOLESCENT BOYS LIFE References Curtis, C. (n.d.). Self-destructive behavior of adolescent girls and boys. Digital Commons. Retrieved July 4, 2011, from digitalcommons.colby.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article= 1294&context=honorstheses&sei-redir=1#search=%22self-destructive%20behaviors% 20adolescent%20girls%20boys%22

Eldredge, J. (2009). Fathered by God: Learning what your dad could never teach you. Nashville: Thomas Nelson. Gaertner, A., Fite, P., & Colder, C. (2010). Parenting and friendship quality as predictors of internalizing and externalizing symptoms in early adolescence. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 19(1), 101-108. Geddes, H. (2008). Reflections on the role and significance of fathers in relation to emotional development and learning. British Journal of Guidance and Counseling, 36(4), 399-409. Hawthorne, G. F., Martin, R. P., & Reid, D. G. (1993). Dictionary of Paul and his letters. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press. Holy Bible: The New American Standard Bible. (2002). Grand Rapids: Zondervan. Lithwick, D. (2002, August 7). Why dads don't count when it comes to abortion. - By Dahlia Lithwick - Slate Magazine. Slate.com. Retrieved June 12, 2011, from www.slate.com/id/2069132 Newman, B. M., & Newman, P. R. (2009). Development through life: A psychosocial approach (10e ed.). Australia: Wadsworth/Cengage Learning.