Half of My Heart

By B.R.J

PREFACE There are two kinds of people in the world concerning love. One who permitted to love and the one who just kept yearning for love because they are not permitted? The story revolves around a teenagers life who was not permitted to love. Still, he does believe in love stories and fairytales. He believed in astrology and horoscope. Hence, he falls in love with a girl just opposite to all his traits in life. The boy has been an intelligent student up to his intermediate. Apart from home, he had been living alone all his life till intermediate. As though, the boy believes that Winners stands alone. Then, he comes to college and observes that he can not survive in this atmosphere where he got stuck in if he is alone. But, the day he realized it was too late to mess the things up. Moreover it is impossible to adjust him in that kind of environment. He is scared to interact with new people around him. Then, she comes across. She is super intelligent, career oriented girl with charming personality. One could easily see

the confidence in her pleasing personality. It was love at first sight for the boy. He abruptly proposed her. But, she said no. The boys heart broke up. But, the boy loved her like hell. All day night long he used to think of her. He wanted to forget the girl. But, it was impossible. The boy had been across many girls in his life. But, he never had been into these kinds of feelings like love. Somehow, he gets her mailing address and started mailing her every day. But, never gets even a single reply from her side. This is the first side of the story. The story has its another side related to God. We people believe in God and have faith in his almighty and mercy. We know he is always listening to our prayers and wishes. Among which, some of them he fulfils and rest we kept demanding for. "God is so kind and merciful". That's all what we know about God. But, some of us do believe and some of us don't because the atheist also do survive in this world. What will happen? When he(the God) turns against you or in the other sense, you turn against him and love to be against what he denies you to do, against his flow of

your life. It was all against him. The story is about what we never thought of and what we never talked about. May be this story for once pressurize you to think once that why do we believe in God and the end of the story definitely will let you have all your answers of these questions. After a year long to that incident, the boy finds it difficult to love her anymore and to sooth himself that he would never get her ever, he assumes that she has a boyfriend and he started mailing her about him to pressurize her to speak out. Actually, the boy was not sure if she is single. This reverie behavior of the the boy was much better than his actual situation. He proposed her because he saw her with a same boy many times. When he proposed her he made her clear that let him know if she had been into any relationship before. That time the girl said NO. She did not have any boyfriend before. But, she also did not say yes to the boy. She asked for the time. After 10 days, she said NO. But, it was so long enough to make him loving her like hell. The boy was completely drown in love with the girl. He pretends to be happy. But, internally missing her every second with his every heart beat.

This story is about the boys patience and the extent of the girls ruthless behavior. The boy believes that we born in couples and all we need to do are to find your soul mate. He was a loner. He was not upset because the girl denied his proposal. It was because he did not even had a chance to have a conversation. He had so much to tell her apart from his love. The story is all about a student from a family of Brahmin, living life in his own style. He did believe in God. But, he came across those spheres of life where he lost his faith in God. He used to have Monologue with him in his lonely hours. He suffered through many hardships in his life. But, his creed led him to the path of success.

INTRODUCTION Pranav is a very simple person. He was born in a middle class family of Brahmins. But, his family never was into any stuff of panditgiri. When he was born, a palm reader told his mother "aahaahahaaha...aaahaahaha. aatti uttaam.. very nice...very lucky boy. One day, this kid would make all of his family proud and wealthy. You would spend a lot of money for his education. But, he will make you wealthier even more. His future is bright for sure. Moreover, he is born with a brown fortunate dot on his palm which is a sign of a wealthy person. Jai ho jai ho. God bless you. My child" Baba was on his full swing to grab his Bhiksha. My mother name is Asha devi, she was the secretary of the temple in our society. She was so spiritual and superstitious too, which helped that Baba to flip the coin in his favor. My mother was so happy to hear those words and took out five hundred rupees from her purse to give to the palm reader. That time five hundred rupees were equal to five thousand which are enough to get

a multimedia phone today. She starts providing the best education she could devote to her son. She put him to a reputed Hindi medium school. The boy did so well in his academics. After six years of his studies, his mother was called up in the school by the principal. "Hello. Mrs. Sharma. It is nice meeting you here. Please sit down" principal said to mother. My mother was little worried about me. She wanted to know the reason of calling her in the mid of the session like this. She knew Pranav is very descent child. He would not do anything that could harm someone. Therefore, she was just wondering why did she call up for? All these questions were making her very nervous and scared too. Progress report of Pranav placed on the desk of the principal made her more nervous. Meanwhile, the principal was on the phone talking with someone in English. The mother did not understand English. She was all Hindi, which made her even more embarrassed. "Good morning. Mrs sharama. We called you here to talk about Pranav" principal

told my mother. "Is he okay? What happened? He can't do anything that could harm anyone. I will scold him. Just tell me what he did?" she frequently replied questioning. "Calm down. He is absolutely fine and did not do any wrong thing." principal said to my mother. "Then, why did you call me?" she asked. "We called you to tell you that your child has scored fifty marks in his Hindi. The principal tells my mother. Sir, do not worry. I will scold him. Just call him. She was upset by my marks. Whoa! Mrs Sharma. First let me complete my statements. As though, he got poor marks in Hindi but, we are happy that he scored the top marks in English Ninety. So, it would be better if you change her medium of studying to the English medium. We also have an English medium school. We can transfer him there in the next Class if you wish. It would be better for him too principal advices my mother. My mother was little nervous about the fees in that school. "Sir, I am so happy to hear this from you for my child. But, I will be gladder if you could waive some fee in that school She hesitatingly asked the principal.

"Yes, off course. We do have the special scholarship program for our brilliant student. He just needs to clear an examination and his fee would be waived from his actual fee according to his performance in that examination" principal replied. I gave the admission test and cleared it with good marks. My mom was mom was very happy because my academics were going so well and the acceleration of increment in the performance in my class was appreciable. More I had become one of the intelligent students in my school. My mother was so impressed by me and put me in a international school with more facilities than my previous school. She still remembers the forecasting of that saint that there would be lot of expenditure over my study but he will compensate all even more. I must say my mom and dad are the best parents that children wish to have. In my high school, I scored distinction. This made my parents to expect even more from my side. After my intermediate, I took a different step than others that changed my life. I stepped into the Indias most expensive college AMITY SCHOOL OF

ENGINEERING AND TECHNOLOGY. I left my locality and moved to a different atmosphere. It was the first time I was leaving my home for the next four years. It was my own decision to live in hostel. I always been thinking of living like this but did not expect this would happen. Living alone a long away from the family, fill you with thrills and excitement that I Had too.

1. My first day of the college Excuse me, can you please help me out. I am a fresher. I am searching for my class that has to be held in this block asking one of the volunteers in white dress on the help desk. Yes off course. We are here for fresher only. Just tell me your trade he replied. I was confused over trade. This was the first jargon for me. As I just heard about trade in the social studies in the sixth standard that the British came in India for trade, the only thing in my mind was that. I am not here for the trade or any other business purposes. I am here to study only. I said to myself. Sorry. Sir I am not here for the trade. I have to study only. I

think you misunderstood. I am a first year of Computer science student. I told him. Thats what I asked for. There you go. Okay you in the computer science. He amazingly replied. You guys have the orientation program on the fifth floor room no. 5LA6. Just go through these stairs. He showed me the stairs indicating the directions. I followed and was searching for my class in the corridor of fifth floor. I was confused because that guy did not tell me about my class or the room no and what is this orientation?.. Suddenly, a beautiful charming face appears. This time, a nice girl was on the same floor. Focus. Focus. Dont lose your concentration. I said to myself. But, she was so pretty. Where is your class? she asked me. I dont know. Someone told me about my orientation and 5LA6 I told her. Just follow me. She replied. yes, why not for sure I will have to follow you in my next four years. I murmured. She showed me my class and went off. As I enter in the class, I saw some seniors guiding the fresher students. They were talking in the English. Suddenly,

one senior asked me for my name. Before, I could tell anything, a other senior girl interrupted and said to tell later. Leave him for now. Let him tell us in his intro. She said. Intro. one more jargon to mewhat the hell is this? I must know its meaning else its going to be so embarrassing for me. I should get its meaning before my turn comes up I said to myself. I got to know about the meaning when others were asked for their intros. They were just telling their name, place where they belong to and where they schooled from. That means introduction. These people short out the things. I get it I said to me. The fresher students were from all over the country. Mumbai, Chennai, Kolkata, Bengluru and many other parts of the country I was never been aware of. In fact, some of them were from the other countries too. While giving their introductions, their accent was so good. I was little nervous about my introduction, I am from Haryana. As though, my accent not at all bad but my hesitation and nervousness always dominate my actual English. I just wish that everything is going to be all right? I said to myself.

Might be, one of the seniors read my mind and asked introduction in pure Hindi. I was relaxed. But, the other students now, they all seemed nervous. They could not speak their mother tongue. The students from south had the pathetic Hindi. When it came to introduce myself, I gave my introduction in pure Hindi. My seniors were little impressed by me. After that the fun starts here, when I was called to dance. A girl was chosen by the seniors and she was asked to choose a boy to dance in front of the whole class. Accidentally, she choose me and I was suppose to dance. Pranav. Come out and dance a senior ordered me. I had no idea what should have I done. Suddenly, an idea strokes my mind. Ok. Sir I will dance at one condition only that one of the senior girls has to dance along with me. I demanded. Touchwood, they denied and I was saved. But, the real fun starts here when, a senior taught us about athanni chavnni. I just loved that. It was also a short of dance in which they instructed us to move our belly to right as they say athanni and towards right if they say chavnni. In college, students feel scared about ragging but we were actually enjoying it. They

real ragging happen in our college. I would advise the students who commit suicides. They should have enrolled themselves in our college. Our seniors were very much cooperative and helpful. It is shame on the people who has changed the meaning of ragging. After this, the session started. It was totally different environment for me. Sometimes, I feel so inferior among them. But, I was trying to adjust myself in here because I must have to spend my next precious five years of my life at this place and up to an extent, I made it. Slowly and steadily, I changed myself according to the people, around me and their environment. But, I knew who I am; I was just for the studies and I was going well. Then, an accident happened to me that changed my whole life.

2. TURNING POINT: In the first semester I made many friends and all of us were very helpful for each other. We had made a group of ten people and we named it freelancers. We had all boys in our group. We used to have real fun in every space of the college. Cafeteria was our adda where Instead of eating we used to play dare by spinning a coke bottle. I still remember that day when I was given a dare to climb over the table and had to sit in Indian traditional potty style. We had loads of fun in our first semester. We were all

singles in our group so we never missed a single time to tease each other if we found any of us taking more interest in girls. But, I did not know these memories would just last like memories only. The fun we had, just last up to six months only. Every person has their turning point in their lives which changes the whole life. I had that too. I was all alone in the whole college. The people to whom, I was friend with, most of them left the college. First Ashish Sachdeva cleared the NDA examination and became a cadet in National Defense Academy. My best friend Anugrah from Indore, who was a homesick took admission in an Engineering college in Indore itself, where did he belong to. He was a son of retired army officer so waste of one year fees did not mattered him and he left the college. Rest were leg turned to the other sections due to the shuffling system of AMITY. All of us were from the same family as per as the financial background is concerned. In the second semester, I was in a new section. With new faces, it was hard for me to make them friends. As though, I never had been in to love kind of things. I scared of the girls because I did

know how to talk to them and make friendship. During the roll call, I used to hear one name with no reply. Chitra Vatwani. Absent I dont know what happens when I hear this name. I have heard or seen this name somewhere else outside AMITY I said to myself. Bur, I did not remember the time and place. The whole semester passed away being mysterious about this name. I just wanted to know who was that girl? In the next semester, a new girl came to our class. She was 56 fair with short hairs and lots of mascara in her eyes and no other make ups. She was sweet and simple. This was the time when I got answered to all my questions. Chitra Vatwani. Present! My heart start trembling and my heart beats were racing. It was the love at first sight. I did not know if I could ever fall in love because I was not permitted to love. But, someone has truly said that love is an accident not a plan. More over, I got to know she had done her schooling from summer fields greater Kailash. That was the school where I had been for once in my tenth class. I saw her name on the notice board. Everything recalled. I still remember that time. Some thing was related to that place, which was pulling me to her side.

I wanted to confirm if its an infatuation or something else. I waited for about a months to consider if its really a love or such thing. When ever, I am in class I see her all the time. She knew that I am noticing her. She got me. Its better to make an initiative I told myself. Somehow, I got her number from one of her friends Kapil. I was in my room roaming here and there and thinking how I should start to talk. I had my mobile in my hand which, several times I had a look and halted to call her. Should I call her? No what would I talk about? Come on, its just about talking to a girl. Why am I so nervous? I said to myself. Hello. May I talk to Miss Chitra Vatwani? I called and asked her. Yes. Thats her. Who is this speaking? she replied and questioned. I am calling from administration office, AMITY UNIVERSITY. Could you please tell me your section I abruptly replied. It is CS5. She replied in her sweet innocent voice. Thank you for the verification. Have a good day ahead. I cut the phone immediately. I was really nervous and more over, there were no one to motivate me. Talking to a girl is not an easy task in my case. Especially when you love her and trying to talk on the phone for the first time.

I was in the boys school for the five years. I did not know how to talk to girls. After two days, I gathered my strength to talk to her. Come on yaar. Its just a matter of a phone call. You are not going to ask her for a date yet. Go on man. She is not going to eat you. Be confident, be positive I convinced myself. Hello. Is this Chitra? I called her and asked. Yes. Thats her. May I know who is calling? she replied. Hey, Chitra. This is Pranav. Remember me? I said pretending nothing fishy in my mind. Yes. I do remember you. But, how did you get my number? she asked. I just get it from Kapil. As you know, I was absent on the last Friday. So, I needed the notes to copy from your notebook. I know you make notes very well. It will an ease for me to copy from your note book. Would you please bring them by tomorrow? I asked her. Yes, I will bring them by tomorrow. By the way, last Friday you were there in the class only she surprised me. I was surprised by her answer because we never talked before nor we had any conversation. She was all new in the class. She would have hardly knows my name. It

seemed me like she was also noticing me too. hang on, how do you know that I was absent?. I mean you are new in the class. I asked her. ahaaahhhwell I just heard someone talking about you in the class that you are present. Thats it. She answered me. I thought rather than asking for a date, asking for notes could be a fair initiative and yes, it worked. The next day, she brings the notes for me. Her ahaaahhh gave an indication of my positivity. Girls know that someone is noticing them, they just wait for the person to take the initial step. On the same day, I saw her with a boy. As I told, among them I feel so inferior in myself. He was a smart guy with killer looks. There wont be a shock if I heard that the boy was her boy friend. I did not know what should I do? I was panicking if it is so. But, what about me? I had her notes. An idea stroke my mind and I wrote a letter to her asking if she is single. I expressed all my feeling to her. Hey. This is Pranav. May be, you know that I had been noticing you from the very first day when you entered in our class. I do not know what happens when I come

across you, my heartbeat starts racing, my breathe stops for a while, my eyes just want to see you again and again. As though, weekend brings fun for everyone but for me this is the hardest lime to spend because I cannot see you. I never felt this ever before in my nineteen years of my life. Saying I LOVE YOU is too early. In fact, I did not mean to write this too. But, I felt insecure when saw you with some one else. I just want to know who that guy was. I mean let me know if you are in any relationship. Then, there is no matter of moving ahead. Please tell me. I am a very simple person and believe in simple and small things. You may consider it as a love letter unless if you do not have any boyfriend. I want to tell you that I like you. Pranav I placed the letter in her notes and returned the notebook. What the hell I did? I gave a love letter to a girl. What would she think about me? I said to myself. I never had done this kind of stupidity before. I was little nervous about this situation because it was first time after that conversation on the phone and I wrote her a love

letter. I was really tensed about that letter. After the college, I messaged her to know if she got my letter or not. Hey, as you know I am new here. I hardly know you. So, I need some time to know more about you she replied through a message. I was very happy that at least, she asked for the time. Rather than hearing a NO waiting is better. I waited for her reply for ten days. That was the stupidest and glorious period for me. It was stupidest because meanwhile, I never called her. I did not meet her. In stead of being in the same class, even I never talked to her. For once, I called her for the notes and she came alone. I was sitting on the floor waiting for her. She came. As she appeared, I turned my face to the other side and smiled. She knew it and with her down head kept approaching. Hi, here are your notes. So, should I leave? she asked me. yeah. You must be getting late for your cab. I guess. You better go. I replied. On the same day, I went to life style and bought a Stole for her. I thought I will gift her some day. I kept that gift with me for several days. But, never dared to gift her. That was a stupid mistake I did. I should have better asked her

for the couple of Minutes or a coffee. She wanted me to talk more or go somewhere else along. But, being a brainless guy, I let the chance slipped from my hand. She must be thinking how stupid I am. It was glorious too because we were in the same class and how would you feel when, someone you love is just sitting on bench next to you. There were a number of loving eye contacts. Sometimes, she used to notice me using her notebooks. Just to get a glimpse of her, I started coming late for the classes because I used to sit on the front bench from where it was really hard to see her without being noticed. Whenever, she came across, either I changed my path or hide somewhere. As though, I loved her but I felt so nervous in front of her. After waiting for ten days and did nothing. Hey, this is Chitra. It is hard for me to say. But, I am sorry. We are not meant for each other. We are totally different. You deserve much better than me. Sorry She replied. Might be she refused me because I was not like other guys flirting with girls, hang out and watch movies. She was a very fun loving girl, hangs out with her friends and

group and masti all the time whereas I was little bore and idle. Moreover, I never talked to her nor asked her out for a coffee or something. Okay. Its fine. Why she would say yes to a simple, serious person if she herself a complicated one? We are not for each other. She is right. She deserve much better than me. I should forget her. Moreover, she is a nonvegetarian and I am a Brahmin I soothed myself with a little smile on my face. That time I did not feel bad at all because somewhere I better knew her answer.

3. FRESHERS PARTY It had been a month. I had forgotten her. I should have better realized that I am here for the study only. But, my heart was out of control. On the freshers eve, I just went to see one face that of her only. She appeared in a white sharee with black spots. She was looking out of the world. May be, I am over appreciating her because I love her. The best thing I liked in her was she was not wearing any jeweler just a bracelet in her hand. I loved her simplicity. I was with one of my friends Himanshu who kept forcing me to dance with him but all my attention was on her every single move. She was really enjoying it, dancing with her friends. She was better aware of my attention but that did not bother her and she kept enjoying the party. I just wanted to talk to her for once bur could dared to do that. I did not know what she had been thinking of but once in a while she was also looking at me. I was relaxed until I saw her with a boy name Ishan. I had seen her with that same guy many times. When I inspected more about the scene, I got to know that Chitra came with him in a car alone. As I talked about, that was the reason of feeling

inferiority complex to these people. Somehow, I concealed all my emotions. But, every next minute, my eyes were on her. I was totally broke. I left the party in the middle and came back early to my room. I messaged her asking for that guy. She did reply and said she is not answerable to any of my questions because that is none of my business. I was so depressed and again called her For god sake just answer that have you ever been into any relationship? She was so freaked out by me and replied Yes. It was a one more shock for me and I started abusing her like sailors. I am a very spontaneous which sometimes creates mess for me. After that I cried for the whole night that how cheap she is and I fell in love with her. I better told her to tell me if she ever had been in to any relationship. But, she broke my heart and left me with nothing. When she denied that could have been better, at least I had a virtual image of her in my heart. Those ten days were enough for me to make me realize that how much I love her? Beside all these, my academics were getting worst affected. I got two back papers that semester. I did not know where I was leading to?

I just kept going on a belief that God cant be that much rude to me. I would easily get the rid of this hard time of life. I better started concentrating on my studies. But, she was stuck somewhere in me. Whenever I open books, I see her face moving round in my head. I could not study. Sometime later, I got to know that she lied that she had been into any relationship. She never had in to that stuff. Actually, She was pissing off by me and said yes. I regretted myself for my abusive behavior towards her. I wanted to apology for this big mistake. I tried every possible to get her apology. She did not forgive me. I was totally vanished from her life. It had been two months to that incident. My result was not good. So, my mother advised to live with some intelligent student in my class. Kushgra was very intelligent student of our. He was searching for a student for his PG. Touchwood, he asked me. I thought if he could help to improve my results and being a class representative of our class it might be a benefit for me too. I mean I need not to worry about the notes and hope if I could a nice friend to live for the next three years of my graduation.

I shifted to his PG. I tried to follow him. He had been very nice to me for a month. I like him. The best thing in him I observed was that he used to go to the temple every Tuesday. I started going along with him. The worst thing I observed in him was his abusive language. Most of the time, he used to abuse like sailors. One day he asked me about chitra. He told me he is much experienced in that kind of stuff. Might be he had been a play Boy of his time. Some days later, he started teasing me and pointing her. I did not like his behavior and I knew that he had a girlfriend. I also started pointing her. Then, he started abusing her. He was her good friend. Even though, he did not valued that relation and kept abusing her. I could not control myself and slapped him so tightly. As though, we were living in the same PG. He had his two other roommates of our college only. Three of them were looking for a flat, leaving that PG. Might be there was some financial problem. Some days later, he moved out to another PG. It was not because I slapped her. But, he found a better PG. He told his friends in our class that he was pissed off by me and left the PG.

I was all alone in the class. I used to sit like a loner on the first bench. There was no one who could trust me, who could tell her that it is not what she was thinking where as Kushgra was much more famous in the class. He was popular among the girls. More over, he was our class representative. So, everyone believed him only. She got to know that. That was one more misunderstanding between us, she started hating me even more. I was helpless. I did not want her. But, did not want her nor I want her to think wrong about me too. So, I opted to mail her. Mail 1 Topic: I am happy being alone Hey, this is Pranav. Sorry to disturb you. But, it was urgent. I know you dont love me. I am fine with it. But, at least dont think wrong about me though. Kushgra left the PG because he found a better PG. This is it and whatever he told you is a lie. But, he must not tell you that he abused about you. That was the reason, I slapped him. Do you want to hear what he abused about? Do you? Then, listen he wanted to drag you on his bed and still if he is your good friend. Then, I

dont care. There is nothing between us for sure but trust me I do not want to misunderstand it. I Would not ask you that why you refused me. I am just happy for you whatever your decision is? I respect you. That is why I slapped him. I admit that I also abused about his girl friend but it was his fault to initiate it. If friends are like this. Then, thank God, I am better being alone. I dont love you anymore. Thank you. Pranav She did not believe me and why she would? As though, I had told her that I dont love her. But, what the heck was that teasing in my heart. After all, what did I mean to her? Get a life this was the last message, I received from her side. It was normal for me to hear this from her because the way I abused her was worst. But, that was my mistake. I apologized to her many times. But, it did not work for me. Its has been about ten months to that incident.

4. HER BIRTH DAY: I had that gift that I wanted to gift her. I thought, if I could get her apology through that way. 19TH of February. It was the day when God also made me realize that I was truly in love with her. fortunately or unfortunately It was her birth day and on the same day, I planned to gift her. I came early in the college, got into the class. As expected, there was no student in the whole campus as it was too early in morning. It was the first time I woke up at 5

Oclock in the morning. I had planned to gift her in very stupid manner because I knew she would not accept any gift from me after that incident. I placed the gift on her seat where did she usually sit. Then, I left the class and did not attend the first two classes. I came to the class in the third lecture. I was nervous. After the lecture, she came to me and threw that gift on the floor in front of the whole class. I was badly humiliated by my other class mates. I did not picked up the gift and kept moving on. She will pick that up. I know she will. I said to myself. But, I guess not. She did not pick up the gift and where is that gift? It is still a mystery for me. She thought I enquired about her birth day and gifting her. She considered that as a show off to her. Not having a good friend might be the one of the reasons why did not she accept my gift. From that day, I decided not to look back at her ever and moved on to the preparations for my end semester examinations. But, I wanted to justify myself by mailing her. Mail : 2

Topic: coincident I know gifting you on your birth day may seem as a show off to you. But, trust me. I did not know that was your birth day. I bought that gift in august to gift you. But, I Could never dare to gift you. Your birth day was just a coincident. I did not mean to show off or something. I just wanted to apology for abusing you on that day. May be you have forgotten that day but I still remember that day. I regret myself even now after months for my mistake that I did unintentionally. That was just a sorry gift that I bought about eight months ago when I wrote that letter to you. That had a stole with some white rose petals. On every single petal, I am sorry was written. Do you still think it was a show off? By the way, I hope you had a great day. Happy birth day dear. I never meant or want to hurt you. I respect you always. Sorry again. Take care. Good night After that time, I never recalled her because she was happy without me and did not seemed to be bothered. She is a fun loving girl who enjoys life to queen size. So,

I better prefer not to bother her in future but I always loved her every minute. 5. STARTING FROM THE END Its been so long for me to see her. It was only thing that I could have managed to because we were in the same class. But, it is the summer break of about two months. In between the summer breaks, on 20th June, its my birth date. I did not get a single wish from any of my college mates and my so called friends on the facebook and twitter except my family members. I was hoping if she would wish me. But, she did not. My eyes are filled up tears crying for someone who never think of me. I am a paying guest in Noida. No one in my pg knew that it was my birth date. So, it had been a usual day for me. That night was my birth night. I monologue with God for her wellness. My birth day Mail: 3 Today is my birth day. Its my 18th birth day. Now, I am an adult. But, life being a juvenile was much better than this. All day long I had been waiting for your wish. I was wondering if you wish me happy birth day. I am really getting mad over you. Its about 11:45 in clock and I am still hoping that you would wish me.

How can I think that you would ever wish me? When my so called friends did not wish me. Then, why would you wish me? Especially, after all this mess. Well, I hope you would be fine. I wish for your wellness and prosperity. I am still trying to forget you and I am successful up to an extent too. I do not know how to name this relationship. But, do not take this as a wrong sign. I always respect you and your decisions. I did not have any wrong intention while mailing you. In fact, I never had. Just do one thing on my birth day please forgive me if you could. I know it was my entire mistake and I admit that too. Bye and take care. Pranav She did not reply. I did not expect too. Why she would reply? I had been abusive to her. She wont reply. I answered myself.

6. A NEW START It was the first day college after such a long gap of about 3 months as summer break and a year to that period. I had forgotten everything and now, wanted to concentrate on my studies which were in the poor conditions. That year I hardly just made my CGPA to 6. I had many dreams in my life as every person does have in

their lives. I didnt just want to be better in academics. But, I wanted to do something different in life. Thats why; I did not want to miss even a single opportunity that could bring me closer to my dreams. While, roaming in the corridor in the college, I had a glance over the notice board. There was a notice which states that there was poem writing competition in our college. I remember when I used to write poems praising her beautiful eyes. I was sure that I would win if I write those poems in that competition. Someone has truly said love makes you a good poet and I had been a fair poet that time. So, I decided to talk to her via her mailing address. Mail: 2 Topic: the poems Yaar, I need your help. In September, I sent you a sort of poem I made by mail sms. That was "there is something special in you that bring me close to you". Do you remember that? I know that was a waste for you as I told you that I have lost my diaries and has rebooted my sent mailbox and obviously I lost the poem too. But, now I need that because I am participating in a poem writing competition. I am

sure if I write that poem in the competition, then, I would definitely win. If you have then please forward that to me. I shall be very thankful to you and let me forget everything. I hope you will understand that and will be sending that if am not wrong about you. Please I cannot clean up the mess I made I just want to forget the things. That is it. Please send that. I waited for several days. But, she did not reply. Again, I sent her a mail. In that period, I realized that I still love her and the story restarted from the end where I left. On her silence, Again, I mailed her. If she would have forgotten the past, she will reply. She did not reply again. Side by side God was freaking me with his co incidents that I did not want to encounter. Those things were again dragging me in the flashback and on the same path from which I had diverted.

Mail: 3 Topic: Please respect yourself I thought you will send that. But, you didnt. Yaar, you dont respect me, that is for sure and I am not against you. But, for yourself if you respect yourself then, please

send that to me. I want to forget everything. But, look I dont know who is doing all this, wearing most of the times the same colors in a week as if one of us is following other. trust me I am not following you. Direct or indirect encounters when I do not want to see you and even though try to avoid as possible as I can. Planning to gift you something and unfortunately or fortunately its your birthday and again misunderstandings like show off. I think I should have gifted you that earlier before your birth day so that you could get to know that it was just a coincident. Today, you got new clothes the fest and I am sure that you would be having a good choice. I hope if you could open that gift, you threw. I wish if I could see you there. But, I wont because I cant see you with someone else. I dont have that much strength in me. More over I dont want you to feel uncomfortable because of me. So, have a great night. I know these things do not bother you at all. In fact, you will not even read this craps. For you, this is nothing. But, just garbage for you. Have a good time and take care. I had realized that I had not been forgiven yet. So, it would be

an unintelligent Thing if I still mail her. further. But, I wanted to talk to her for once because I did not want her to misunderstand me and I could not forward leaving this mess in my past. She doesnt love me. Fine. But, at least dont let the misunderstandings increase. I said to myself.

7. FEST NIGHT It was the fest night. I didnt go to the fest as I told her. But, in my room, I was afraid of losing something. I did not go to our college fest because I did not want to uncomfort her and me. I never had her so, how could I loose her that thing was not

striking in my mind. what should I do? Many unfair thoughts were conquering over my mind. I just wanted to talk to her once. My scared mind pressurized me to mail her again.

Mail: 4 Topic: I dont want you.

993****. This is my mobile no. whenever you will be free and having a cool mind think and make a call or do whatever you want to. Dont take this as a wrong sign like you always do. But, being a good person please contact me. I am waiting for your reply. For God sake please reply. My love for Chitra was on its optimum level. I was completely drawn in her love. She never replied to me. I kept thinking of her all the time. I was in cafeteria and I saw her with a hulk boy in green t-shirt with great muscles. I was scared to go in front of her and ask who was that guy. As though, my love for her is enormous. But, it is physically weak. Moreover, why do I care? I was so confused what should I do. I was still carrying a ray of hope if she could forgive me and we could talk. I was confused whether I wanted to forget her or love her from

one side. I was doing both things. I was trying every possible way to forget her. But, I could not stop my heartbeats racing for her too. Next day, I saw her with someone. He was not from our class. I did not know why did I get possessive? I better found mailing her because this was the only thing I could do. I was mailing her as if I am her boyfriend. I better knew that I would not get any reply. Even though, I mailed her. I was feeling so jealous upon the way she was talking to that guy. They were looking so close. I was so helpless and I could not do anything though. I did not know where these all things were leading me to. I did not want my studies to get affected by this. I wanted to change my section because the more she comes across me the more pain, I feel. Again, I mailed her. Mailing her was becoming my habit. I was mailing her as if she is in front of me and will reply to every question, I ask her. I knew that was just my misconception.

Mail: 5 Topic: Who was that? Well, again I saw you with a boy in green t-shirt. I dont what should I do? I will not ask you. Even if I ask you, You wont answer me. In front of me you Always show as if you are not in any relationship and you are single. But, if you have a boyfriend. Then, why dont you just show me? Listen, my feelings and sentiments for you are not cheap as I would do some thing that could affect your relation to him or something. So, dont worry. But, neither I can stop loving you and thats true. No matters you love me or hate me. I have no demand. In fact, I never had. I love you and I cant forget you ever in my life time because you taught me what love is? Being unaware, you taught me many things in life. Thanks to be my teacher and pride. You were the first girl and the only girl who made me feel something unusual in me. But, I would never force you. In fact, I cant because I love you and it hurts me even more if I try hurting you. Hey, I have good news for you. I am changing the section. I hope this cud help me

and I wont show my face to you further. I hope you had a good night in the fest. I dont know why the hell I send you these mails every second or the third day. I very well known that you just delete these all without even reading. I always trust you and you always failed my trust. Even though, I want to trust you more. I dont know if I am mad or what. There are millions of things I do not know. I do not know when I start to write I start from me but ends on you. I do not know when I used to write it seems as if am writing a script for any movie. Its also a kind of misunderstanding. When I do something, you think that I am showing off to you. By the way, best of luck for the exams to you and your boyfriend. I know I better need that and I know that you would never wish me luck. Take care. One more thing, please dont tell anyone that I am changing the section. You are the second person after Anil, who knows this. I have one more thing that I lied to you that I am working. Actually those days, I used to teach some students in an NGO. So, I paid for that my first earning 500 bucks. So, I told you that in a quite weird

manner. Sorry for that. I know it does not bother you at all because I am nobody for you. But, this was the last thing I did not tell you. I know you feel nothing for me. But, I do. Yaar, if you have any boy friend. I dont have any problem. I dont have any harsh feeling for that why not me? But, I cant live like this. After all, I do have the feelings too and it pains in heart when I see you with someone. I just want to approach you and ask you every single question I always wanted. But, scared if I do something that could affect you and would create more complications. The very first day I made you cleared that maybe its not the right time to say I love you. Even, might be you did not notice that those days I never said that I LUV U. But, in the December, I realized that it is love that doesnt allows me to forget you. I was loving this myth that I have told her everything and there is no misunderstanding left between us and the rest about belief if she had over me.

8. SAME CLASS My application had rejected by head of department. He called

me in his office and asked for the reason that why did me want to change my section. Tell me. Why do you want me to change your section? HOD asked me. Sir. There are some personal reasons, I cannot tell you I replied. Okay. Then, we cant change your section too because of the personal reasons that we have he said to me. I came out of the office and thought about it if I tell him the reason might he could help me somehow and entered his cabin again. I was little confused if he would have made fun of me. But, I had no option because I did not find it comfortable to drag this thing along with me anymore. Sir. There is a girl in my class. I feel something strange about her. May be if it is love or something that I cannot afford. I am from a middle class Family and do not want to get involved in this stuff. But, I am scared if something happens. So, I want to change my section I replied to him. He was a Sardar. He started telling me about his son in Canada. You know what? My son Jagdeep singh. He is graduated from Indian Institute of Technology Delhi three years ago. He is working in Canada on the post of project

manager for the last two years in a multinational company. Even though, he never had been involved into such kind of things. He is a strong will person and can control over himself. Then, why cant you control yourself. he tells me. I was murmuring to myself that its Canada, not Kanada. His accent was poorly damaged. I was just trying to control my internal laugh on his accent and was thinking that how had he been recruited on those post earning millions of salary. He wants to set up an example of his son for me. That was really a long story that I did not get through. It was really a nice speech. But, it was not enough for me to let me forget her. He was such a freak. Rather than just changing my section he gave a speech for Hours. He did not even bothered by the people around. So, my section did not change. I thought it is just a waste of time talking to that freak and found it better to leave as soon as I could. 9. SCRIPT WRITER It was the night. I was watching a Hindi movie BACHNA AE HASEENO. I rarely

watch any movie. I had been hearing about this movie for a long time. Many people suggested me to watch that movie. After six months, finally it was a world TV premiere of that movie on Sony entertainment and I was totally shocked after watching that movie. I did not believe that it really happening to me. What the hell is with you God? Is there anything in the world does not relate to her? I asked to God like a fool. I had been mailing her for the last one year like a fool. I better knew that I would never get her reply. Even though, I kept mailing her and hoping if we would have ever read them. Then, suddenly a thought stroke in my mind and I could not just wait for the time and mailed her at the same time.

Mail: 6 Topic: its really important You know, Today I saw a Bachana ae haseeno. This was the first time I watched that movie. Actually, I rarely watch any movie. While watching that movie, a thought stroked in my mind. There was a time in that movie when Deepika used to write Ranbeer for six months without knowing if he is reading them or not.

Here I want to ask you a question Do you also think that I am copying that thing? and keep mailing you every day. Then, let me clear you one thing that you are wrong if you think so. In fact, even I was surprised to see that. As I told you this was the first time I watched that movie. Hey, I could be a script writer. umhumh... I can think of it. But, you dont worry, I am not thinking that you would ever come to me. I told you I never wanted you. The very first day, when I heard from you that you were in relationship. I was broke. I can bear that you are in relationship. But, I cant see you with some other guy though. It pains. I love you. You love someone else. Thats your problem. But, from my side, I cannot change it. So, that idea just came to my heart. Thats it. That was not any copyright as it seems. I knew she dont have any boyfriend. But, I was trying to get her reply at any of my comments.

10.

HER PICTURE

I was surfing on the facebook. I searched to Bhavyas profile and found her pictures there. She was looking too sweet in a sky blue colored suit with black round circles. That was a long gap to see her for many days. I felt some relief after seeing her picture then, again I mailed her. My mails to her were flawless. This was the only way that makes me feel little better in myself. Moreover, I could mail her anything I want because I was surely were not going to have any response. I mailed her on the daily basis.

Mail: 7 Topic: jus saw you Thanks to Bhavya for uploading your image. It had been so long to see you and then, I see you. I cant explain how did that feel? I just want to see that again and again. I dont know if I am getting insane or what. Mailing a person number of times, but, never getting even a single response is like asking questions to myself and answering to myself only. More over the person, who never trusted you and does not even think of you, the person who does not respect you at all. For her, you are nothing but, just a pathetic disease that is stickled to her. I dont want anything from you. I have already cleared this many times. I dont know why dont you get this at once?

If you are testing me then carry on. I wont be complaining anytime. But, if you really love someone else then please do let me know not because I want to follow any other girl. In fact, I cant because I just loved you only even if I want to. I dont find any other girl more beautiful than you. I just loved you without any reason. I want to know because if you really love someone. Then, I dont have any other option left except studying or studying. But, even though, I will be in touch always thats for sure forever and please dont cut this my only medium to be in touch. I promise you I will never interrupt you in your personal life. Take care.

11.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

That day, whole class was just discussing about only one thing. MUN (model united Nations). It was a prototype of United Nations. It was kind of a conference and assembly as in United Nations, which had to be held in BITS Goa. One has to participate and fill up a form and a country would be assigned to that person. The person was suppose to attend that assembly and has to represent their respective countries in the conference.

I did not have any idea of that thing. But, I get to know that she had also planned to go Goa with her group. I was helpless as it was too late to fill up the form. It was a group. So, I did not have any idea if there was any boy. I do not what is wrong with Goa, whenever I hear Goa. Beware of Goa thats what I say to myself. Thats why I was so nervous about that place. Beaches, parties, night outs, she must have done all those with her boyfriend. what if she would have gone with her boy friend. As though, it was an extra curricular activity but Goa reminds me of beautiful beaches and bikinis and fun on the seashore like late night parties. It might happen that she planned to have hang out with her friends may be with her boyfriend. There was a girl in our class who was also went Goa. Those thoughts were striking my mind after seeing her album of Goa. she was also went for MUN only but as I said some fun would have been also there. I am not blaming her I am just generalizing it. Mail: 8 Topic: I dont want you Okay I dont need you. But, what do i do? Its not finished yet. I dont know what kind of feeling is this. when you left after

the lecture. That seemed some thing wrong. I was just kept wondering the whole lecture thinking of you that where did you go. Whatever I dont know what I should write. The only thing I can say is please as a good person. Please help me. I know that helping me would not be having any interest for you. But, please there are many things in life beyond interests as human being. Please help me considering it as a social service. This is too much now. I would not mail you anymore. This is the saturation point for me. Enough is enough. I can't ruin my whole life for you. You just stay with him forever. This one was the last mail.

12.

BEING BANNED

After a long time period, I had realized that she had banned me from mailing her. Just for my satisfaction and keeping a ray of hope if she reads it. I kept on mailing her like fools. I was unpredictable. Again I mailed her. Mailing her was a myth and a mystery. It was a myth because I was hoping for the impossible thing to happen that one day she will reply. It was a mystery because I was confused that if the mails are not being received by her as she would have banned me to mail her then where are these mails are going to. But, my misconception was much better than the harsh reality. So, I better find it assume all this.

Mail: 9 Topic: I am crazy May be I am crazy. But, I cant stop myself. I know you will never get these because you would have banned me. After all, its your life and your choice. Yesterday, I went to college to get my admit card. I thought you would be there. But, I did not see you. I did not see you from the last month. I have tried many times. I have concealed all my emotions. But, somehow they find their way through my eyes as tears. It's weird. Actually, whatever it is. This thing made me weird.

May be its not love. But, infatuation as you seem but, infatuation does not stay for that much long. May be I would just keep on doing my engineering and mailing you all the time. Mailing you is my habit and I tell you one thing. It's not infatuation. Damn it. I love you. Tell me if you love someone else and let me move on in my life. She was not replying at all. Her silence was a mystery to me. In classes, we avoid each other and here I never stop mailing her. Some where I had realized that I had been blocked by her. But, I just did not wanted to admit that and mailing her gave a satisfaction of telling her everything and justification to her. I was happy with my Virtual love. But, I had faith in my love if its true then, definitely it would trace its own path. I just kept mailing her regularly.

Mail: 9 Topic: virtual love As though, there is no value of apologizing even if asked for and would not be effective to you. Even though, SORRY for what I just did. Somehow, I find this virtuality much better than reality. Thats why; I message you

again and again. I love you Chitra. You are the only person after my family valuable for me. I wish if you could ever given me a single chance to prove. Then I would have showed you how much I love you? Well, it cant change. So, now I just have to earn money for me and my family. I am going now to study automata and one more thing. This virtual love is enough to stand alone here all my life and see what else has been decided by the God for me. If he could ruin it even more. Love you. I am really getting insane. You are not getting any of these. But, I am happy with this. Good night dear. take care

13.

DAMN SERVER

One day, this damn server started freaking me out. The mail were no longer shown

being sent. I was scared if at least this thing did not work. Thank God that was just a genuine server error but, for once that scared me.

Mail: 10 Topic: scared I got scared when this damn server did not work. I thought you totally blocked me and this is the end of my virtual love. Thank god. Its working. Hhhhhh Its been a month that I have not seen you. After the exams, I had been searching for you everywhere. In H block, E1 cafeteria, D block, Caf Coffee Day and in Dominos too. You were nowhere. Might be it was my bad luck. Now, you are not getting any of these. So, its the right time to tell you everything in details. I am not from any strong financial background. In fact, I never told anyone if I am from any rich family. This was one of the things that were misunderstood by you. I was never expected if I will ever fall in this thing called Love. I was here for the studies only and I also want to become something first. But, I do not know why could not I control myself? I dont like people knowing more about me more because that

brings me closer to that Person and it pains very much if he hurts me. You guys are from a reputed and well grown families. I did not expect you to say yes to me because I better know what I worth of. I want to become a successful man because as though, people say that there is always a helping and motivating hand of a woman at the back of a successful man but, no one knows the fact that the girls are only seek for a successful man. But, I am helpless too. It feels like I am betraying two persons closest to my heart. First is my family and second are you. I know one day will be mine if I just study. May be it would be too late for me to catch you then. But, I will be happy at least I would be standing beside to my family making them happy and make them proud over me.

Mail: 11 Topic: mailing God I like your innocence pretty big eyes too scare the people. I liked when you scolded me in that tutorial room with Aarushi and Anant. I was totally mellowed in your beautiful eyes. How strange? When you were scolding me I just kept looking into your big pretty eyes. They got enlarged I loved that moment and could not speak anything. As though, I have many things in my heart that I would like to share with you but

I do not know what happens when you comes around. I could even fail to speak up a single word. That time you kept speaking like a chatter box. I just wish for my one day when you will be silent and let me speak everything that I always wanted. Take care. Good night. Mailing you seems like I am mailing to god who is peaceful listener. GOD IF YOU ARE GETTING THESE. PLEASE HELP OR TAKE ME. Whoa! Am I really getting freak? I cant leave family. God I love them more than anyone else even much more than her. I named you cta because I thought its C-ta(sita). But, being a ruthless person you showed the real in you. Whatever, I love her. God do whatever is written in our destinies. Bye Good night dear.

I knew that she had blocked me very earlier. In fact, she did not get any of my mails. I thought, in practicality of life, I can not say a single word about her. Here, I can better justify myself being unnoticed. I started justifying myself her through mails and started sharing all the things I always wanted to share with her. It was crazy. But, gave me a satisfaction of justifying myself that I could not do in

front of her. I made it my habit to mail her. As if she is reading all of these and I am talking to her.

Mail: 12 Topic: let start it again I dont know how many times I need to tell you one thing. I love you. You know what; yaar, I did not tell anyone about us. I have no idea how did they get to know about it. But, you dont trust me at all. I dont know why do I message you daily. You dont even get these. Why am I justifying myself to you when it doesnt effect you any more. I thought you are very serious kind of girl believes in one man women and wish to fall in love. As I still believe in my love. No matter I am with you or without you. Many times people told me the same thing that you are not that kind of girl I expected you were. Is this true? If so, I need to be punished because I loved you. Do you remember when I called you in the library? I thought you would come. But, you did not and let me down again. Even though, I thought you would come. I kept waiting for hours in the library and outside even after closing of the college.

What ever. God please help me. Either you just vanish all her memories else take me with you. Please, Why are you torturing me in installments take and finish this mess up. She is really a good girl. She always deserved better than me. But, help me to forget as soon as possible. I hope you are getting these all. Bye god and love you cta.

Mail: 13 Topic: crazy but heartily I do not know where these things are leading to. I loved you and its clearly a big no from your side then what drags me back at the same point. What will you do if a person writes I love you on every single petal of a red rose, I wrote it. In your language these kind of people a mentally retarded. You would care even if make a second Taj Mahal for you. It was a joke you may laugh. Hehehe. But, trust me I love you. I do not want you too then why do you hate so much. In fact, I wrote sorry on every single petal of a white rose. I wished to gift you those but it reminds me of that stole that I gifted you. I thought you will also throw them on my face too. But, I still have those in my dairy dried. May be I am crazy about you. But, I love to be that way. May be I am mad. But, I am still happy being mad.

I wish if you could ever read all those mails by deriving a little time from your all time busy schedule. Goodbye and take care I start using mails as my diary. I had lost my two diaries of about two hundred and fifty pages each. Moreover, I lost them when they were about to complete. This time I did not want to lose it once again. So, I better considered mailing her as a diary.

Mail: 14 Topic: I see you Today was my day. May be you wont believe me. But, I saw you after such a long time before the exam. That could be one of the reasons for a good exam. I love you cta. Its not the time to cry more. After all, you are the reason for my happiness not the sadness. So, cheers to life. I wish if you could also know this. I love you. Hey, I have no idea what else I can talk about. Today, I could have talked to you. But, I did not because of the two reasons. a) Next exam. That is also for you. As though, I could have talked to you. But, I was a little hopeless about the next exam. b) I thought no, I should not because I dont know what is in your heart.

Reading girls mind is the toughest task in the whole universe but, if I ever get to know that you also feeling the same thing for me as i feel for you then, I can even stand over the stage and can shout my heart out. Chitra I luv you Nothing to talk about more, I dont know what does she wants. In front of me, she always pretends always to be single. But, now I think she was always been in a commitment. But, why could not I just vanished her from my memories. I love her and I dont think if I would ever be able to forget her. Bye. God! It was never meant for sex or any wrong intentions. It is just about the love and the feeling that I have in the core of my heart for her. You are very well known to my feelings and intensions. luv u cta... Next day It was just a fair exam. It could not see her for long time of about five days. Hahaha.. It was a joke. Exam breaks were the pathetic time to spare. I could wait to see her again. She has not been seen for the last five days. On the sixth day, I saw Eeshita who was her best friend and they used to sit at the same place. She knew everything about us. She was staring me as if I did a murder. Chitra had told about our story to most of her

friends. They were all aware of that. Most of the class members in our class knew all about us. Those who were in my favor came for a sympathy session and who those who were against me kept staring me like an intruder. Mail: 16 Topic: I saw eeshita Today, my exam was not good. I did fair enough to pass. I wish if I could get some good marks. I didnt see you. But, I saw Eeshita as she always do staring at me like Man! What the heck? I did. I know I did some mistakes. But, I am also a human being and it can be happen to anyone. Humans make mistakes. None of us is born perfect. So, did I need to be punished for a single thing for my whole life? The only difference is that she did not want to listen to me. Whatever I did; I have already compensated for that a lot of times. I wish if I could have talked to you yesterday only. But, I am afraid if i do some thing that could drive the things in worst conditions. From my side, I can preserve this virtuality of love on my side forever. If she will ever feel anything about me then, she has my mobile no. She can contact me easily. By the way, I do not think so if that would ever going to happen and find myself mailing her even after the graduation. I should just wait if she does so but, why I cant forget her till

that day at least. I luv you cta. Mail: 17 Topic: must talk Today, I have decided to talk to you on the last exam of computer graphics. Yes! I have to do this. I will go and will to her and will say "I give up. I have tried a lot. But, I cant resist myself any more to speak out to you. Here is the script ready for the conversation: Listen, if you could just talk to me for a while in private I would say. Then; Please let me know what is in your heart; I know you better told me a clear No but let me tell one more thing it is been a year to that thing. I wish if you would have changed. That time I never talk to you and never said that I love you Chitra. Yes, for the first time in front of you I confess it that I love you Chitra. I always been scared but now I can not do this anymore. If you feel something for me then, please tell me now, if you love someone else who is there in your heart. I will not talk to you further about this. In fact, I would not even ask you the name of that person''. This is it.

In my room, I was practicing for the dialogues that I had to say in front of her the next day. There was one of my seniors in my PG name Subhash. I was little close to him. Hello, Pranav. Are you in there? he asked knocking the door. Yes, I am here. Wait for a second. I replied. I opened the door and hide the script in the blanket. What were you hiding by the way and why did you talk to yourself? Are you all right? he questioned me. Nothing I replied. Ok. Whatever, someone is calling you downstairs he told me. I went downstairs but nobody was there. I came back and saw Subhash Bhaiya reading my dialogues. He was making fun out of it. He too had a girlfriend. Moreover, I had a good relationship with him. So, I told him everything. After hearing the whole story. Subhash bhaiya asked me if she is Sindhi and I said may be I dont know. Then, he asked me for her last name. I said it is vatwani. He told me she is Sindhi and advised me to forget her. I told him when I first saw her for the first time. Her name was just Chitra. I didnt know her caste and religion. I just loved her.

May be Sindhis are so arrogant. But, I am also a Bhramin and we consider love as worship. Sindhi Versus Bhramin.. My faith says I will surely win her heart someday. Before that, I have to make myself better till the day come before me. Let's see. Today, I just saw your sister Chavvi, on the facebook. She is also pretty as you are. Bye. Take care.

Mail: 18 Distance always makes you realize the worth of the person you always want to be with. Exactly, this was what used to happen to me several times while breaks. What the only thing I could do was mailing her and I did like always as if she used to read any of these. I had trust and I stopped mailing her ever. Topic: break Now, I really need to talk to her. Enough is enough and this is more than enough. What if she will say the same thing as she said before? No, I should not. I should let her realize if she loves me or not. If she dont have the feelings for me. There is no use of forcing her. One should force a person only if he has some right on him. I will wait for her call. It may take years but, I would not ever force her because if I do. Then, that will not be good. Love is

free like a bird. So, let her wings chase more skies. Even, if she doesnt love me. Let it be like this. I can live like this without her. I dont know if I would have seen her tomorrow or not. I wish if I could see her and make my one more day as in that previous exam. I dont know how would I spare these three months. Why do we have these holidays? five days study, is not that enough? Then why these three months break for? It was the last exam. After that, I would not see her for the next three months. I wanted to see her for the last time before I leave for home but I failed to do so. She had already planned to go for a movie with her friends. I could not see her for the last time.

Mail: 20 Every time at the last examination of every semester makes me upset because after these she will not be visible days but this thing, she never realized and every last day of the end semester examination, she always used to had a movie plan with her friends. Its may freak out some readers but I never ever had a movie in my entire

Graduation. Its was not because I she was not with me. In fact, it was because I could not afford and unaffordability was one more reason of not wanting her in my life. As though, my love for her was enormous but, it was physically and financially weak. I never find myself eligible for her. The reason of sticking to this thing was that this thing was also bringing some positive changes in me though. Topic: exams over My eyes were searching for you. But, they failed to find you. Somebody told me you must be gone for a movie with your friends. Well I hope you had a nice time. The exam was good was fair enough to get good marks. I hope you have also done well. As though, I said that you are not the reason for my sadness but for my happiness. But, I dont know why these water drops are coming out of my eyes. Look like tears I guess. I just want to see you one more time. I hope if you could ever understand me. For the last time before the exams I could not see her. I just came back to PG as soon as I could just to mail you. It was all my bad luck that the inverter got down. I just wanted to mail you for the last time before I leave for home. I rushed to the nearest cyber caf. Thank god! They have inverter working.

Bye. Its my last mail before the holidays. Take care of yourself. 14. NOT AGAIN

I wanted to forget her. But, the more I tried the more she came to my mind hurting me, killing me from inside. It was out of my control and I just mailed her once again. I was confused and flexible. I could not decide whether I wanted to forget her or love her. I just left all things to God and followed my heart. It was a stormy weather. I was worried about her. It was going to be the first heavy rain in Delhi. I had been through my television channels. They were all talking about miss happenings in Delhi due heavy rain. It was about flood in Delhi. The news was scaring me a lot. I just wanted to know how was she doing but I was helpless I had her number but could not even call her.

Mail: 21 Topic: scared Weather is so wild and I am so calm here worrying about you. Thinking of you all night long. Every raindrop that penetrates my heart, feels me like the chill experience I never had till date and every news comes along with a question in my mind if you are

okay. I want to call you but my conscience never gave me permission to do so. Are you all right? I had been listening about heavy rain in Delhi. Please Do not come out from your house. Be safe there. Take care of yourself you living two lives. If you want to get wet in the rain you may use your terrace. I also there feeling proud to be under the same sky but please do not stay in rain for long. You may get cold. Day by day, you are turning me into a philosopher. But, seriously worry about you and wanted to hold your hand and walk out up to a certain distance in rain. Feeling this rain on my body makes me believe that we are sharing a common Shelter above our heads. Why the people especially when they are in love loves only one season thats Rain and there favorite color is sky blue. She is not like all girls. She must love some other seasons because she is directly opposite as the way I am. Today, I saw a small girl of about six years old. She was crying in the corridor in college campus. Might be any faculty's daughter. Why are you crying kiddo? I asked her My brother took my chocolate from me and went into the boys toilet she told me in her sweet voice.

why did not you follow him? I smiled and asked. Dont you know thats a boys toilet She said. She was so innocent like you. I liked her. I called his brother from the toilet. He was hiding from her and suddenly mam came and I said to myself time to go buddy. Chitra was so innocent. I thought so but, all these things are just waste for her. But, what else I suppose to do when the best part in me was always belongs to her. I still love her. It may happen if she is just trying to be hard but she is always been soft like a feather. Love you Chitra. It was last attempt to call her. I said to myself everything is going to be alright and I called her. It was not reachable. She had changed her number once again. I knew the person who must have her new number. It was Kapil. As though, he was good friend but whenever it comes to help, he always back out. The next day, I called Kapil. I asked him to call her on my behalf and convince her to meet me once or talk to me. She did not want to talk to me. I again called Kapil to give her number but he refused. I just left with me alone. Being alone, the only thing I could do was to mail her and I did. Mail: 22

Topic: just for once I called Kapil to tell her that I was asking for her mobile number but, how disgusting people they are? He messaged her just to save his pennies. This is called the practicality of life, I need to learn. Fuck off the feelings. If anyone ask you for help, rather than just him search for your interest. Then I forced her and assured him to recharge his number by fifty rupees, he called her and now I have not been informed yet. I am still waiting for his reply but, no result. I again called him to know what she said. She does not want to talk, Kapil told me. I do not know why she does not want to talk to me. Am Am I that much bad? Doesnt I even deserve to talk to the only girl I love the most? Does not she have even a single second of her life to talk to me? I asked myself. Take care dear. I was feeling so worthless. I needed to make myself worthy. That could be one of the reasons why I never talked to her in class. I started feeling inferior to her also. One day, I got to know something different about her. She did want to continue her studies in Amity. She wanted to leave the college. Thats why she did not come in second semester exams. She was busy preparing for AIEEE and other engineering entrance examinations but, unfortunately, she could not clear and got back in Amity. Here, she had to clear her all papers of the

second semester too. I really respect her. She is so hard working girl that shows how career oriented she is. Where do I stand? Wasting my life for a girl who does not even bothered by me. I love her does not mean I would spoil my future, making her be the reason for ruining my life. It may happen if she would not be there in my future but if I really love her I should better leave her alone and make my future thats related to my family. I said to myself. As though, I promised myself to leave her alone but my mails to her were not bothering her anyhow, I knew it because I have already been blocked by her very earlier. I had faith in my love that some day, she would realize and wills to meet me once by herself only. I never stopped mailing her. Those were the evidences of the time I spent without her but, always stayed in touch with her through my mails.

Mail: 23 Topic: nightmare Again, I failed to see her in our computer viva. I thought she will be giving the exams for the second semester. Chitra was really an idol for me to follow. How daring she is? Apart from the regular examinations, she was also giving all the exams

of the second semester as well and I knew it but, I was just confused and didnt want to make her tense anyhow because there was the mathematics exam the next day. Now, exams are over. I wished she had devoted the best in her. Of course she does. She is an intelligent girl unlike bimbos and I am proud of her to be in love with her. luv u cta.. That night was little dark than usual nights. I was desperately wants to meet her. All night long I just kept thinking of her. I had a nightmare. I was really scared about her and in middle of the night at about 2O clock I called Kapil to know if she is all good and if we could meet for once. It had been for months to that time when we met for the last time so, I requested to meet her once again. Might be he had called her I dont know. But, these practical people never change. So, Kapil didnt call me again. So, I called him and asked. He said with his so called Bhai giri style. Ha bhai. What happened? he said. Need not to panic on these practical People who used to forget what has just happened I said to myself. So I remind him about the whole thing again. Oh! Yes. Bhai she said that was over that day itself when you got her last reply. I dont want to talk to him again Kapil told me. Here it comes the sympathy session I just disconnected the

phone. I thought she would have changed and can agree to talk to me I told myself. But, I was wrong. No! She wont change her opinion regarding me ever. Why she would? Just for me. Hang on! dude you are nobody for her. Why would she waste her precious time over me? But, God! Just tell me one thing. Why did I fall in love with her; when I could not ever get her? Why do I miss her all the time; when I should not miss her?

Mail: 24 Topic: five minutes Kapil promised me to convince her to talk to me for the last time. That was going to be the last chance for me to speak to her. I will be having just five minutes to say and now I would just speak out everything I always wanted. As though, these five minutes were not enough for me describe all things but meeting her once in itself was a very rare chance for me. Hhhhmm.... I sighed. This is going to be my last and the only chance. But, I am just worried that how would I merge the silence of about two years into five minutes I asked myself.

I luv u. Chitra.. Will she ever know me? Most probably not. She will never know me and I will be just waiting for eternity to come. She will never know that how much I love her. She has no idea that how far we could have gone with this feeling of love. I can live this, no matter she gets to know or not. I just want to be loyal at my part as she has been hating me with loyalty. She is also not wrong. You can not force someone to love you. But, how can I forget this. The person, I always loved. How can you forget the person who get stuck somewhere in you? How? Again she refused to meet me. Am I that much bad; she cant even talk to me? Not because I want her, just to justify myself that I am not what she has been always thinking of about me. So, Kapil did not called again, if she never thinks of me. Why I trust her? Even after getting betrayed over every trust, I did on her. If its over, then, why is not this just getting over? What is left? Why its paining? It is love and I now it is true. In love, you suffer but, always feel so good. At least you are not like the people out there. At

least, its not over from your side and I can go far with this. No matters if I am going to get anything or not? Keep moving. Nobody knows may be you get the reason for your birth. Chitra is not my goal. She is my inspiration in every phase of my life. After getting the answer from her side, I started weeping. I dont know why? I really love her and I dont know what to do? And you dont need to do anything regarding this love. Its all up to you my God. Even after reading all those mails if she dont want to meet me. Then, I can also live without her. oh really I said to myself. I need to learn it by now. The only difference is she will easily get someone matching her personality. She can easily patta(her language) anyone but, here I will be just waiting for the impossible things to happen with my endless hope. Mail: 25 Topic: Be practical When I again messaged to Kapil to convince her to talk to me, the reply was thats the way of life dude . Be Chilled and enjoy your life bindass with no feelings for any one. Try for someone else and have sinful life dude. May be thats the practicality of life that I need to understand by time. How the one can easily say this the way he did. Of course he can he did not fall for anyone yet. I

am sure someday he also fell in love with someone and will get to know how does this practicality of life hurts one life. There was a girl in our class who was very close to Kapil. Just to make him feel something, I asked about Kamna. Kamna was like my only sister in my class. As though, we rarely talk to each other but somehow she knew me a little better than anyone else in my class. She was also close to Kapil. Hey, brother how does Kaman feel at Bed? unwillingly I asked him. Do not you dare to use this language about Kamna else I will screw you up he warned me. Now, what happened? Be practical man. No feelings for anyone. These are your words dude. Sorry for what I just said about Kamna. I just wanted you to feel and make you realize that feelings for someone can not be changed. I know you still have the feelings for Aarushi which will never going to vanish until you die. As though, our stories are different that Aarushi loves Anant but, I still have the hope that she is single. Mind my words. Listen, I said I hate her. Does not mean I really do. I love her. Yaar, this is life. You need to have someone to care and cry for and in my life thats Chitra only I told Kapil.

That made him still for a while because I better knew that he still loves Aarushi. Their story is quiet funny. Kapil was in a group of about six to seven girls. From the beginning itself, Kapil and Aarushi were always been close friends. Apart from friendship Kapil started feeling something unusual about Aarushi. When he was little sure about what he feels for Aarushi is a sort of love. He told Anant about it, who already was in love with Aarushi for months. Kapil did not know if Anant could felt something for Aarushi. Kapil told Anant that he loves Aarushi asked if he could make Aarushi to talk to him in private. Anant was in shock for a while but he did not reacted and told him he will try. Five days later, Aarushi agreed to talk to him. Kapil, who always been a man full of confidence, walked in the lecture theatre with a couple of roses to give Aarushi. What happened in that lecture theatre is: Hi Aarushi. How are you? I just brought some couple of roses for you. confident Kapil said to Aarushi. Kapil. I want to tell you one thing. I am so sorry but, I already love someone else and you better know him she told Kapil. Kapils dreams terribly shaken by her words but somehow he gathered some confidence. Well, who is that lucky guy? he asked.

Thats Anant. A day before yesterday, he called for a coffee in a Barista and proposed me there itself. He told me he loves me a lot. I was surprised and that moment I fell for him. I am so sorry, I never thought about you that way. You were always been my friends and will be forever but I do not find if this relation could work for us. Sorry she told Kapil and broke his heart. He regreted himself that why did he tell Anant who took the opportunity and proposed her before he could do? Kapil did not come to the college for days but when he came back he does not seem broke. He was all again the same guy full of confidence. It was all easy for him to forget her because he was trying to plan love forgetting that love is an accident not a plan but touchwood Anant got success in his plan to love Aarushi. He succeed because Aarushi herself had feelings for Anant apart from just friendship thats why he succeed. Bye and take care.

Mail: 26 Topic: My dream You wont believe me. But, I just saw you in my dream, you were wearing a yellow Sharee and were looking like an angel. Al though, you look more beautiful in purple

or sky blue. But, that moment you were in just mind blowing outfit. That is that kind of girl, I can even wait for the more next two years until I graduate. Even, if its not enough I can even wait for many more years and I am really serious for her from the core of my heart. May be its awful to you because you are so practical. But, its me not you. Not again, wearing the same colors. Purple this time. Miss attitude just walked through beside me and I just kept stunned. I was trying myself not to see her. But, could not control over my eyes and I just had a glimpse of her beautiful face. She was normal as if she knows nothing pretending herself not to be noticed. Practical people I said to myself. But, I knew this is going to hurt me only. But, I feel so good no matter how much it hurts me but I really feel the period when my heart starts racing. Loving someone, crying for someone and you better know they will never understand. Even though, you carries something somewhere a hope for the possibilities for impossible things to happen. I thought she wont be there. But, she was sitting on the floor at first I did not notice her. Then, Himanshu was standing in front of me. So, I took the opportunity and saw

her. She was wearing a white kurta. Today, I wish if I could talk to her. But, she dont want to talk to me. Am I that much bad? If writing SORRY on every single petal of a white rose still seems to be a show off to her. Then, she will never understand and I will be just waiting for her my life time. May be she noticed me but, why is she so still? Is she waiting for my call? No, she never waits for anyone. Whatever I have planned to gift her, those rose petals. But, we did not meet. Today, I was happy and I know she noticed that and she better aware that I love her. Let her think. Let her take her time.

Mail: 27 Topic: space Its 2O clock in the morning and I dont know why did I started thinking about her? I am in my room. I am just wondering about her. But, why am I thinking of her or how can I think of girl who wont be having even a single tear in her eyes over my dead body. Even If she knows that I am dead. In fact, she will rather be more happy getting the rid of me. I cant stop thinking of her? Love really makes you so weird. I just wonder if I could gather some words, conjugate them to make sentences enough to describe my exact situation that I had

gone through that night but somehow I gathered all my strength and made that painful night. The next day, I was sitting with Kapil in the corridor. Then, Eeshita came from the other side and had a look. I thought, Chitra must be following her and she will not be comfortable if I sit with Kapil because Kapil was sitting with Kamna, mehek, chetna and others of their group. So, I thought it is better to stand up and let her sit with her friends. I left their company and moved to somewhere else. It was the last day of this semester. Examinations were about to get over. In her viva, she was wearing suit green white combination. She was looking so confident. I wish if I could get some bits of confident in me and sayHey, cta I love you, I know it's stupid and more over you dont care. But, I just love you from the core of my heart. But, what if she again does the same thing. Even, she did not read any of my mails. Let it be just up to me. I love her and I know that. I am not supposed to force anyone to love me. luv u cta.

Mail : 28 Topic : Summers Next two months were going to be very painful to me. They

were May and June. These summer break were really hard to pass. It was impossible to see at all. I knew she would never understand me. I thought nor I should waste my time on her and I went to my cousins place at Mathura. I thought if I could help myself forgetting her but that was all opposite. In fact, that place also made realize even more that I really need her in my life and its not a fake. That night was more than enough to Its all true about love. Last night, it was just about to lose my virginity. I was in Muthura right then. My cousin introduced me to his school friend Riya seth from DPS Mathura. Rahul, my cousin knew everything about me. Three of us went to pizza hut in Mathura to hang out at night. Rahul took his friends car Maruti 800. After that, the whole night we were exploring the whole Mathura. They were drunken two bottles of Fosters each. I was happy with my coke. Rahul slept in the car itself. Riya and I was standing alone in the mid way of national high way 2 which goes to Delhi. I dont know what the heck came into her mind and she urged me to kiss her. I was stunned and then, she dropped herself over me. She was totally drunk and out of control. Then, she started touching the very sensitive parts of mine. For once, I thought who is going to know about this because we were all alone. But, thank to God. My love

for cta did not allow me to do that. I said I love you cta. Then, everything changed and I just removed her hands from my shoulders and after few minutes, she slept over my shoulder. I put her on the back seat and sat on the front seat of the car. Thank god. Next day, she asked about the last night. I said nothing. She insisted and I told her everything. and you did nothing. How can I believe upon you? she asked. It was awkward to tell her about cta. When I told her about cta, for a while she stared at me and asked even though, why do I love her? Thank God or else cta would have killed me she said to herself. I have been asking the same question for last one and half year to myself I said. luv u cta... Two months down, again the same class and I told her that I am changing ma section. Today, they denied changing my section. They cant change the section on the basis of the reason, I gave. When, she will again see me after two months. She wills definitely, think that I lied to show off and I dont love her. But, the question is did she ever think of me..? Luv u Cta

Mail: 29 Topic: Other guys So, finally her sister has also told me that she did not even think of me. I never been into her thought ever and me crazy for her, cant give even a single damn second to forget her. I dont love her. I dont want to love her any more. I hate her. But, how can I hate her? She did not dump me or something. When I love her, how can I think of hating that girl? Nowadays, the girls never want boys to love them. They just want guys who have the guts to get them into their beds and they dont want boys who only love them. Unfortunately, the girl, Cta is one of them. I got to know from some common friends, she used to go bars, pubs and drinks alcohol a lot mostly vodka. Its like a teetotaler falls in love with an alcoholic. How could they be compatible with each other? I should realize one thing that she is out of my league. These girls just deserve those guys who have cars to ride them for a long drive. One who starts from the bed and ends there itself. But, I just want her in front of me and just want to keep on talking to her endlessly. Luv u cta... That day, I did one more stupid thing.

Mail: 30 Topic: Soothing myself It is over now. Okay. It was not love. It was the worst chapter of my life that ruined up my one year and now, I am no longer interested in dragging this further I love her like hell and she did not even asked for a single time that how am I? when I was hospitalized. For her, I am no longer exists. I hate girls they need just one thing a horny guy, she will be crying sitting at corner of the bed and will think of me. That day, I will not be there to stop her tears. I dont want to see that day. But, I have to hate her else, I will be suffering my whole life. I wont change myself I love my Aadi(my nephew). Today, I removed all the girls from my profile. May be I am wrong. But, I did what I wanted. No girls no tension.

This was the day which did prove present is the consequence of past only. It is not at all different. I met a person, I never expected to meet in future after the last meeting. I met Priya. When ever, I tried to shut down the back door. Suddenly, my destiny kept kicking my arse and say this is not over. It was very hard for me to escape from my past.

Mail: 31 Topic: past revive Everything in my routine, somehow relates me to her. Today, I met Priya. She was the first girl who made me realized that I Love chitra. I was in central mall, Gurgaon. She was there to get a dress for their colleges fresher party. She asked about her and I felt like the more I try to forget her even more she is in front of me. Whatever, I just changed the topic and I left. She annoyed me and asked me one more time. I told her everything. She told me again the some thing. Yes, believe me one day she will come to you and that day you will carry all your answers. Dont worry. Then, we had a sort of meal together. I felt better by her wordings and I knew I cant rely on her words especially, in case of chitra. But Literally, I just kept yearning of it. Luv u cta. I cant forget you ever in life. I wish if I could just live that day. When you will get to know that how much I loved you.

Best part of my life

I do not know how I could miss this part of life. But, shit man. I did. All thanks to

cta. What could be the best part of ones life? When he encounters the situation about which he just had the rumors. That was Virginity. I am a 19 years old virgin. In 18, I fell for her. I just had the rumors about sex. But, never experienced myself. In India, parents never teach their children about how did they born? If in any case if a small child ask the same question rumors starts here. Papa! How did I born? an innocent child asks his father. Father gets little nervous about the question and his mother in kitchen smiles. Father rumors him with his answer. aahh. Son, you must have heard about the angels. They just dropped you in front of our house as gift from God father replies. Confused child tells his friends and the rumors shapes. As though, I knew about sex but never had before. But, it is not a thing to be proud of because virginity is not a dignity but just a lack of opportunities, that I let slipped my chance from my hands because I did not find if that is fair.

Mail: 32 Topic: Mathura That night was alone, wanted to write something about her. Then, two of the poem that i used to write for her and the one that i wrote after the

freshers party. As though, there was nothing between us. But, still I had the same feelings for her. I was reading my own diary and smiling reminding those beautiful moments. Suddenly caught with these two poem I wrote for her, best describing my situation. Mail: 34 Topic: non sense poetry Why you did this to me? I never expected this to see. I know we cant go further anymore. But, I promise I will make sweet this sour. Hey, love it. Hey, love it Leave it or leave it. I just wanted to hold your hand and drive you away up to love land. Where there is only me and you, Staring at each other you to me and me to you. Dont break this till your kiss. When, you wont be here. I will miss you For this... love it... Hey, love it... Leave it or leave it... Bt, you please Tell me why you did?.

Missing her like hell and came out this. Luv u cta..

Poem: 2 I never really knew you you were not even my friend But when I got to know, I let my heart unbend. I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry may be this is the result of being a shy. I'll let you go I love you more than me I just had to let you know And if you ever wonder why I don't know what I'll say But I'll never stop loving you each and every day My feelings for you will never change Just know my feelings are true Just remember one thing that I Love You! I know its non sense. But, I tried.

Mail: 35 Topic: Irreplaceable Today was the holiday in the college. But, I had to go take some print out from the

P3. I am in college now. I am waiting for the electricity to come. Mean while, I saw a girl. Thats her. No she is not. Thats her. No, she is not I said to myself again and again. My curiosity forced me to stalk her. The girl noticed me noticing her. Its quite obvious if someone stares a girl like this definitely she is going to be bothered by me. She may feel good or bad. She turned to me. But, she said nothing and just walked through into a book store. She was look alike her. I went to take some printouts. Again she stared at me from inside the store pretending as if she is reading a book. No. She was not her. I am going mad for this girl. This girl (cta) is driving me crazy and I love to be. That girl kept staring at me and I moved out to take my prints because I did not want her to misunderstand me. I love chitra only. The feeling of loving her is enough to make me forget the pain. It really feels very good to fell for a girl and I was all hers. No matter if I get her or not but the feelings, I have for her are always fresh. In fact, they keep increasing. She was irreplaceable for me. Luv u cta...

Mail: 36 Topic: My silence speak thousand words but you never heard them

She came into my life to teach me how to live alone. Okay. I respect her and yes I can live alone. If she want to know how much I am missing her just let her try to catch a drop of water in the rain and the drops she miss, is enough to express that how much I miss her. But, its also true that the art of speaking is useless till the second person dont want to hear you. But, I just want to see her once neither I have any of her photos. I just want to fall in love with her forever after. Again she called me a looser. I want to abuse her. But, what the heck is in heart annoying me to say any wrong word about her. Whenever, my mind tries to say wrong about her. My conscience makes me realize that I love her. I dont know what she wants to achieve in life. She has accomplished many big things. What else she want. I hope if she is not going to marry Karan kundra, her favorite actor. But, she never knows life is made up of small things. Life is realty not a TV serial. I wish if there is a back space in life so that I could. Now, I have stopped dreaming

because in my dreams she is mine. Uffff. But, in reality thats my dream. When I close ma eyes I see her and when I open them. I Miss her so much. So, sometimes I think of keeping them closed for forever. The only, reason is my family and My Addi and I console myself saying

THIS MOMENT IS NOT PERMANENT. EVERYTHING WILL BE OLRITE. There is always two sides of life one is pain and second is pleasure. It is first side and I need to wait for the second side to flip. I dont know why I love her. I just know one thing that loving her was the second best thing in my life first was Amity which changed my world a lot. If I were doing my engineering from the same place where all my other friends are doing, I would not have any change in me. My world could be very limited and I might have felt frustrated. I am very thankful to my parents that they gave me so much space to grow. Neither, I would have met her. Thank God. This pain could turn into pleasure if I were known that she thinks of me. Now, I will never let her know that yes. I love her. Even, if it means me to keep going without her, if it means me to hurt myself every second of my life, if it means

me to live without her alone. I luv u chitra. Mail: 37 Topic: about to die Today, it had been so long to see her about a month. Naman, my friend told me she had been seen with a guy in GIP coming out of the movie theatre. I was on the bike that time from Noida to Faridabad on National Highway-2 when he told me. I was on the speed of about 80kmph. Thoughts about her with that guy was killing me. All frustration was on the bike. There was a Honda city in front of me driven by a young boy. Unexpectedly, the driver pulled the brakes and I dont know what happened after that. The next time when I opened my eyes I was lying on the bed in hospital. Some stitches in leg. Bike is in its worst condition. I wanted to kill that driver. Why did not he kill me? Now, lying on bed mailing you makes me feel better. I know its stupid. But, what to do she has just stuck somewhere in me and I dont know the way to throw her out of my head. Luv u chitra...

Mail: 38 Topic: the accident

Today, I saw her photo on the facebook after such a long time. I luv u cta, again I messaged her. I better know she will not reply. I cant live like this. I love her. God! I want her to think really badly about me. So that I could start hating her too. How can I love a girl? Who does not even aware of the accident and who did not ask me after ask if I am alive. How can I? She is busy enjoying her life to the fullest. Someone told me that she will come to college and I could not stop myself and ride it to my college. But, I did not see her even after waiting for hours. I was disappointed and while, coming back. Caught up in this and opened my eyes on the bed. In Fortis hospital, a good looking nurse holding my hand and asked me How are you feeling now?. I said Better than the best. Just kidding I said better only. She was so caring. But, my chitra. As though, she is so tough. But, she is choo chweet... Thats why I love her. That is the problem. When ever, I think of her. Her innocent face start revolving arround my head, covering all worst in her. I do not know why I love her so much. In love, you find number of unanswerable questions. I luv u cta..

Regret

I blamed her for the acciedent that I should not be. After all, I love her. How can I be such a selfish. She did not call me to meet. I was the fool who just followed. She is always been so innocent and loving herself. Mail: 39 Topic: regreted Sorry, for blaming you for the accident. You were not there that time. That time it was just me who has been ruining his life for you. I cant blame you. Sorry again. I got hospitalized after the accident. Nobody called me. Juss Apurv called me and asked. luv u yaar.Sometimes I think no one cares of me other than my family. Am I the only one who is alone? The girl I love, she dont bother I die or live. I am so confused. I dont know where am I heading to? But, I have to live for my family. I am not the coward. I have to pass through this phase of life too. Luv u cta

Mail: 40 Topic: love I dont know why I love her. I just happened. Love doesnt understand reasoning.

She doesnt even bother by me. In fact, she is happy. One cant find even a single stretch on her head. Moreover, she is enjoying movies with her friends and all. Even though, I would just say one thing to me that one day will come up with my shine. Till that day, I have to sustain these hardships. Till my intermediate, I never failed in life. In graduation, I had failed. One should fail in life for once at least. So, he/she could know the value of wining. If you observe your surroundings, you will see to yourself, the people who failed and learnt a lesson are reaching at the top of the world and I want to be one of those. They might also been through these phases in life. Luv u cta Today, I messaged her on her personal mobile number. I love her. But, I should not force her but, the question is still unanswered. Is she really have a boyfriend? Why she would tell me? I am nobody for her. Let her know if she loves me by her own intuition. If she is happy without me, then, I should also be happy for her because she did not had the wrong choice nor I have and How could I forgot if she never get understood by my silence. Then, how would she understand my words. I apologized to her for blaming, in my mail.

I must wait for the right time to come. Today, I blamed her for the accident. I should not have done that. I went for her. She did not call me there. I was the fool who went for her. She did not ask me to fall for her. That was only my fault. I cant blame her. I am so sorry my love. I love her a lot.

Mail: 41 Topic: Her thoughts Who says I cant get stoned. I have to get when everything has fallen apart. Every love story does not have an happy ending. Nothing goes okay even in the end. Once, she said our life is like movies. Fairy tales, love stories, enchantments and love. Was that just for getting good marks? She actually got good marks. Damn you SRK Nothing goes fine even in the end of every life story and it is the end neither anything is left so that I could say life goes on. All these fairytales and enchantments are for those who live a luxurious life full of comforts. For the last time I am feeling this love in my heart, consoling myself, and saying this with my screaming voice whispering in my ears dominating my scream. I love you chitra. I love you when you smile and your front bent teeth looks so pretty

on your face. I love you even more when you walk through me silently with your head down. I do not know about you but, my heart stops beating for a moment and I just try to hold on breathe then, I sigh. I love you Chitra. But, I will not. Not any further.

Mail: 42 Topic: My Birthday It is my birth day. As though, I did not contact her for a long time. But, of course I am really missing her so much. Missing the person who never thought of you is always painful. I just wonder even if she could aware of my birthday. I thought she would have forgotten everything. But, I know she wont like to wish me. But, I am happy as I saw her with me last night in a dream. She was wearing a plane violet colored sharee. She was looking so pretty. She was incomparable and for she was only one I could die for. Apart from love, she was becoming a necessity in my life. I won't ever stop loving her. I wish if I could talk to her once on my birth day. Well, I will always be there for her because my section was not changed. May be God has planned something else for us. I dont know if I am the only part of the plan? I was really missing her.

I have some of her photos. That is all, I have related to her. Like every birth day, I went to the nearest orphanage and celebrated with them. Its not because I wanted to do some noble things but, treating a group of children with candies and some chocolates was quite affordable for me than throwing a party to some friends in restaurant. Moreover, I feel very happy with those children. At least, I making someone happy.

Mail: 43 Topic: Proud Today, I got to know that she cleared her exams of previous semesters and how can She do that? It was really surprising and prideful moment. She did not attend even a single lecture of the last semester nor she would have that much time for preparations. My hat's off to her. I am all hers now. She is really a hard working student and I respect her. I can proudly say to myself that I love her. Anil told me, he broke up with her girlfriend as their parents got to know about their relationship and now, he is like me. "No, dude. Dont be like me. I dont want anyone to be like me". At least, both of you loved each other. Not like me who has been waiting for a girl

for the last three years. The girl, who never get me and never talked to each other, I left with nothing except ruins. As though, I did not do anything. But, even though, I cant even manage to have an eye contact with her. I always hide myself, when she is around. So, dont be like me. You will be hurting yourself only.

Going to the college and seeing her smiling was a drug for me to live. I was loosing my academics reports. But, did not mean I never tried to improve my records. In fact sometimes, I did that too. My grades were little bit increased. I was kept going on along this path with half of my heart. I could feel a ray of hope that brings me closer to my best suitable place. I could be a writer. Even the tears are creditable when they are written in a decorous way. The Writer. Yes, of course I thought tears are the solution of the problem. Moreover, they need to be encrypted in some sort of fictional book. I started writing on daily basis. I fell for her even more I captured her every single move in the class in my blue diary. She never gets to know that I am observing as like always she was not bothered by me. People around me just kept wondering that what I write all the time. I did not want them to know more about it. So, I better finds to say that I am participating in a

writing competition in a fictional category. They gave me a task to write a fiction. Thats why I used to write all the time. I never stopped mailing her. I better knew she would not be reading any of them. But, I had the hope of becoming a writer someday and satisfying myself with some designation and compensating the mistakes till date. Writing is a very good habit for ones personality because while writing, a writer used to go through all of his life experience and improving the odd situations. I have heard it many times that every writer keeps his different life story. That was the thing that I feel in me. I kept writing. Tragedy is not permanent. It comes along with a solution, conceal somewhere in the tragedy itself. Some people finds it and those are the people who are on the top today and who just keeps yearning for the solutions, thinking about if there is any escape variable. They try to escape it rather than facing it. I had the hope of that someday. I would prove everyone that one can make and decide his future need not to follow the destiny. Love was over now. It was the time to focus on the future. I had the little bit hope of becoming a writer in my heart. That was very risky because if I failed then, I loose lots of money that my parents had been spending on my studies. It was about six lacs till that date. But, I did not think about failure case and

picked up my laptop and started writing for several hours. Whatever I wrote were not just the words but it was truly I. I had got the mirror to myself. Though, the admirers were too far. She was not just my love but, she was converting into a brainwave for me.

Mail : 44 Topic: Totally Burnt up So, the whole day I did not see her. But, I wanted to see once. It feels like something is missing in the day. But, I could not stop the dawn and the day ended without her. Last day, she sat with Aditya, the most prominent student of our class. It made me feel more insecure. Ok, they are just good friends only. Moreover, she doesnt love me, then, why am I Bothered by her? I said to myself. But, please dont show me. She knew that my eyes were on her. Still, She started showing it even more. Might be she wanted me to make me feel jealous. God! I dont want her. Please dont show me whatever she does after me, when I am not around. At least, let me feel secure in myself. She is single as far as I am concerned and I love her. I can see her single. But, I just

cant tolerate her flirting with other guys. She is also a human and could have the feelings for some one. But, I don't want to encounter that person. Today, I sent a message to her sister. As though, every time I keep telling one thing to myself that I do not want her but, I always failed to admit that thing. I got the reply from her sister. The message says "Hey, dear. I am so glad if you truly love her. I hardly know about the scene happened between you and Chitra. I talked to her. She told me. Last time when you called her, you forced her to talk to you. She could not talk to you. She was at home and she did not want her parents to know about it. That is why. She don't like you at all and it is clearly no from her side. If you really love her, You would have left her alone. Please if you love her. Then, leave her alone." All my hope was destroyed in seconds. I did not know if I was really forcing her. I thought she didn't want to talk because I abused her. I think she is right. I would have left her alone for some time. Now, I will never try to do anything affecting her anyhow. I am happy with my mails to her which are never been responded by her.

Mail: 45 Topic: less vocabulary When ever, it comes to write something about her. I always forget to write many things that I should have. I feel so nervous whenever she is around my sight. She was in the front class. But, I could not even think about to get in there. I think Everything has changed. She thought about me at least bad. But, I am all fine with it and happy being with a blue song and now, it's been two years three months and she must have forgotten everything. She has gone so far from me. Expecting her to come before me and talk would just affect me because she is always been unaffected. I could never understand her that actually she always wants. That was the only thing teasing in my heart. I wanted to know her more than anyone else. She always put obstacles in my path. So, now I have decided that I won't be hiding myself anymore not further because it hurts more when I don't see her. Sometimes, I feel so lucky that finally I found the one, for whom the people just keep yearning for and used to wait for their whole lives. let me see you again and again. She was all over my head and sight. My vocabulary was too short to describe her, whenever I try I think I forget something more valuable.

Enough is enough

So many things were buzzing in my head and I desperately needed some place to rest my head. I was becoming atheist. Love brings you questions and love is the only answer to all of them. For the first time, after that word war, I received her response but, that was of no use and apparently God was my new enemy and the fight after failing in love was against God and fate itself, making myself all against God. Mail: 46 Topic: Complaints against God Why did not you make me emotionally strong; God? I don't believe you anymore. Why am I hiding? I am not a girl. Today, I have decided that I will face her at any cost. But, I failed again. In the morning, I asked Aarushi for her notes of maths, she said she does not have. But, she wanted to tell me a name. But, she halted. I got that. Chitra must be having those notes. So, I messaged her after such a long span of time and asking for her notes. After ten months a message comes from her side "don't have any notes cant help u" These 7 words made me smile for a while. But, again she blocked me. Comparatively, soar tear drops that start spilling out from my

eyes were more bitter than sweet smile. She must have refused me and she did have the notes. Definitely it was a rude reply And it is because She just did not want to help me. Why don't I get this? She will never understand. The girl who can't even give me her useless notes. That kind of girl I love. Even though, being such a mean and selfish she gets 80, 70%s. Moreover, God is always with them what do I do? Sometimes I think I should run off somewhere from my family, from her. A long away but, stops when I think of my family. I can't leave them. Foremost, how can I leave my nephew, Aadi. I have to make him a playboy for these kinds of girls. She always had been a player to me. But, I don't blame her. I love her. Just because she does not love me. I do not have any harsh feelings for her. She always said the same thing that she hates me. In fact, she never had a think of me. Never. I am the fool who loved her.

Mail: 47

Topic: golden opportunity Today, I could have talked to her, as I saw her alone in corridor. My legs were shivering and were moving slowly. While, across her with every departing footstep, my heart beats were racing higher and higher. My pulse rate was at its optimum level as if I was missing any golden chance. Maybe it was. But, I just did not find that time comfortable to talk to her because as last times that was a bastard's job and this could be a slap on my face. She was looking so nice. So, what?? Maybe it was to impress her boy friend. I hate these terminologies boyfriend and girlfriend. According to me when you feel it is love and they are friends. Then, they are boyfriend girlfriend. Chitra must be having many boyfriends in past. Lolzz But, what to do about this damn pain? How to relieve it?

Mail: 48 Topic: library Today, I could not see her because it was a mass bunk for the whole day. She is going for a movie with her friends. Last night, she refused me to give her notes. I didn't get her yet.

Whether she refused to help me or she really did not have the notes. Some people never change like me and her in different situations we both are right. She never loved me and I always did. She is here in library. I can see her. Books are the best medium to stalk a girl. I Saw her once then suddenly, moved my attention to that book in front of me. As though, I was there to study only but as written in the Gods plotted story all these things I do not know what she wanted to prove. She noticed me as well in the library. It seems like Gods saying to me hahahahayou cant escape it dude. She is all over you. She will take over your mind. You cant escape from your own love story. You have an essential role to the story. Only thing you can do is justRun.. It is a really true wording no one could run from his own story.

Spam

I knew she had blocked me very earlier I sent her the first mail to her but someone just told me that she must be receiving all those mails in her spam box. I was little scared if so because she must be thinking how crazy I am about her. I had lost all myself respect and dignity in those mails. I had written her everything. One drawback about love is one cannot think of his self respect and dignity if he is in love. There is no matter who is right or wrong; you love her

make mistakes hurt her then feel sorry and apologies.

Mail: 49 Topic: spam She blocked me that am for sure. But, someone told me she must be receiving my mails in spam. I hope so. But, she won't be reading any of them. I want to talk to her. But, I can't. This is not the right time. In fact, the right time will never come because right time is far away from reality and possibilities. I can talk to her. But, that won't be the way I want. What ever she is always been happy without me. That what I want and no matter if I always been alone or what. She is always been happy with all her friends. We are people from two different worlds. How could we meet? But, luv u cta as always. I was in library. As Naman told me there are ways to hack someone's profile. I just wanted to hack her profile. I wanted to know did she ever get any of my mails. Naman came to library and I asked him about that content. But, that's not what i thought of. He asked me why I need that. After telling him everything. He told me not to wait for her.

She does not even Bother by you. He told me she had been seen with someone in GIP. But, I won't believe unless I see it to myself if she really does love someone she could have told me. She won't ever think about spoiling my future. She won't be that much heartless if she does. Then, I want to be one of the guests in her marriage. I can live alone without her. My love is always been with me. Friendship day

What I have experienced in life is before you start loving a person. You must be his/her friend at least. But my love was totally abrupt. I just saw her with someone and proposed her. I would advice everyone not to do that stupid mistake ever. You must start a genuine friendship. As though, my loving style was not at all bad. But, it was a love at first sight in which success rate is just 25%.

Mail: 51 Topic: five minutes I would have done this before my confession of love to her. It would have been better to write on my diary first. So, she must be enjoying with her

friend and all, Specially with one, she loves. It is friendship day. Well, I am not restless. In fact, I am always been happy with her happiness. Because she got the one she loved. Otherwise, some people just keep yearning of love. I had sent her a friendship greeting through my google account. She did not reply again. Might be she blocked me. Whatever, I wish if we could be friends and could know more about her. But, she never talked to me. The last words, I heard from her was a bastard. Well, happy friendship day dear. Today was a special day for me. It was the day when I fell in love with love with her. It's was the day when I realized that she is the girl I had been searching for life. She is the girl, because of which this heart near stroke for any other girl. As same as I the Hindi movies, it was the day when I was flying in the air. She might have refused me. But, this heart still beats for her and every single pulse goes higher and higher when she is around. So, In spite of crying alone, I wanted to celebrate this day my so called friends. I treated Anil, Divya and Ankit. You know what, they did not even asked me why are they being treated for. They were just enjoying their meals. We

had some cold coffees all day refreshers and brownies with pizzas and after that they left me all alone. whatever. happy... Anniversary....dear I whispered. Mail: 52 Topic: unseen She did not come for the last five days. I am scared if she is not okay. I made it to Kapil and asked him if she has any problem. He told me she has viral fever. I knew it. There is some bond between us. I had been feeling something insecure in me and this is it. I feel so helpless as I can't even get to know about her more when she needs. I love her and I can just pray to god for her wellness. I feel so miserable, I wish if I could know more about her health. What do I do? Just wait for her to come.... I don't have any option. Oh God... I wish for her health...and betterment. I know I am a sinner and my pray won't be effective. But, if someone must has to compensate. Then, I want to compensate for her health. Bu, please make her healthy and prosperous. The next day, she came to class. During the lectures, she was sneezing badly and on every sneeze making me feel so nervous about her health. Why the hell did she come if she is not fine. She is so intelligent. She doesn't want to miss

any lecture. But, what about ther her health. I did not want her to be on the bed again. I just wanted to get up from my seat and ask her why did she come? But, I can't. I am so helpless. I can't care for the person I want. She kept on sneezing. I just better find it to leave the place and moved out of the class consoling myself "there are many of her friends to take care of her". If I would show my caring for her. She would have considered it as show off too.

Mail: 53 Topic: she was singing Now, she is absolutely fine and healthy. She was having fun with her friends and all. I am on my seat sitting alone and hearing her sweet voice that penetrates in to my heart through the ears. She was talking of the new release of song Ibn-batu-ta. She sang the song. She knew I was there. But, she didnt bother by me. there was a presentation of behavioral science. I had to give a that in front of the whole class and just because she was there I failed to give. When I faced the class. She was there in the front row. I could not manage to have an eye contact with the whole class. I was so nervous. I knew she would never understand my feeling for her. In fact, she doesn't want to understand. I messaged her

and as usual she just blocked me again. I gave her my password and told her about that I never stopped mailing her ever. I hope that if she could understand that I really love her. Definitely she had not logged in. Today, I am feeling good because in that message, for the first time in my life. I said these words to her. Though, I always felt that in me but I just wanted to see her reaction. "I LUV U" May be she would have been shivering reading those words. Thank God I just released with a huge burden. Now, I won't regret myself that I couldnt tell her that I love her. Someone told me. If you love her, you tell her and I did it. I better know she would just block me again. But, at least I told her. Today, she did not come. She is not well yet. I observed one thing. She called Kushgra to make an attendance for her behalf for the BSL lecture. That made lines over my head. She could have called Kamna or Kapil or Aarushi or Anant or Mehek or her best friend Eeshita for that. May be it's just because Kushgra is our class representative. God knows what this girl wants? Eyes were little wet when I heard her name from Kushgra because of what I don't know. God please take care of her. She worth to be cared.

Mail: 54 Topic : message without a destination Dear, You must not be getting any of these. But, I am happy with this. Today, I lost my second diary again. I wanted to get that published. But, I don't know what the God wants me to do? Losing my diary for the second time, I have decided not to give up and this time I will make a soft copy. But, those diaries were my two years, my lives and my best friends. I loved them more than you because those were the only things that relates me to you because practically, it was not possible. It was all about us. I had made that to a publishing firm. But, I lost them. Moreover, I had just finished those and lost them, It makes me even more crying. That's true that you would never understand me. I think God is always been against me. But, I have the tolerating power that I could make this ship out of this cyclone of destruction. No matter, God or is with me or not. Whole world is against me. I am also against them. I know one day, the sun would be helpless to rise from my direction. I have not just to overcome this situation. I have to change the situation. Till then, let me suffer more and more. I can dare to all those.

Whatever I love her that's true and I am not afraid of hardships. I welcome all them till my day would come. love you dear.

Mail : 55 Topic: given up It's all against me. Moreover, God too. This situation could have flipped up to my favor if you were on my side and gave me your shoulder to cry. As though, I am a man but even though I want to cry. But, you were never been my side nor you will be. Yesterday, we were planning to arrange a party for Kapil's birthday. I contributed 200 rupees for the party and gave to Naman. But, isnt about the money. It was the first time Naman asked me for. I felt so glad that he considered me to his friends and Now, I am forwarding towards a friend circle. Immediately, I put out money and gave to him. I just had 200 bucks in my wallet in which 50 bucks were already spent and the rest I needed for getting back to home. So, I did not have the breakfast nor the Lunch. I did not bother about thinking this thing because that feeling made me to feel so

good when I was asked for the money. I just thought, that would not pain more if I don't eat for a day. After it was Kapil's Birthday. He is a good friend of mine, I thought so and I mean it. I came back to the class hoping that they would come here to celebrate with the cake. I was so happy. But, after waiting for an hour and so. They did not come and celebrated in the cafeteria itself without informing me. As the lecture started they came with smiles on their faces and Naman asked me where you were. I smiled and said nothing. He did not bother too and moved to his seat. In the lecture, now the trouble started here when I just felt something in my stomach. It was the pain which has started because of not eating breakfast or lunch. That pain started rising on and achieved the saturation point. Being helpless I was just kept holding my stomach with hand in the first row lying my head down on the desk. She thought I was in the same mood and missing her so badly. lolz.

But, that killing pain made me with those weird expressions in front of her. Even though, she did not bother too. For once, I could have fallen on the ground and nobody was beside me nor I wanted too. She doesnt love me. Its all fine. After the class, Kapil looked at me and passed a smile. In return, I also passed a smile too. They planned to go for a disc. None of them asked me and went. If they would have asked me. I would have said no too. But, they just went off without considering me. It was me, Divya and Kamna in the class. Divya was having her lunch. She was almost done and I just got a single bit of Bhindi which was like a drop in a sea. Its paining so badly and I don't have the money needed in my pocket and I better know I would not be able to reach home before 8'O clock in the night and now, it's just 2'O clock afternoon. Sitting here and mailing you made me feel little better. I wish if you could understand me.

Mail: 56 Topic: Its all over.

After listening to the reports, I better consider kept moving on in life all alone. I didnt want to give this shock to my parents or anyone else. I was totally broke. Everything was over and this time it was not just Chitra but it was all my life which was going to be vanished in few years. So, I started hating people, I love. So that they could find more ease in hating me and throwing out of their lives. First, it was Chitra, I abused her like hell. As though, I knew she never loved me but in case if she ever had some feelings for me. I just wanted to get her over with those. Then, it was my family, I started keeping myself apart to them. I knew they love me a lot and would never hate me but, I just wanted them to be unaware of the truth. I started living separately in NOIDA. Chitra and my family both were very much close to me and I could hardly forget them. I could not be the part of my familys hatred. So, I started it with Chitra. I was aware that the more I approach to her the more she will hate me and I started with the same thing. Let her hate me even more. She is still same as she was before. I dont love her. But, I just want clear something. Just accidental eye contacts. Few days ago, I messaged her that I wont hesitate now for looking in her eyes. But, no. I could not even dare to look at her for once. I am missing my diary. Mostly the climax part which was a fiction because that was the only part that cant

be real. I loved that part and wonder if in reality that could possible. She did not even think of me. At least, it was in fiction that I could mould according to me. What else I am really missing her a lot. She is really a good girl else she could have done something ruining my life. That is why; I love her. luv u cta.. I was waiting for the fresher party when she will be with that lucky person. She doesnt love me thats for sure and I would never give her place to anyone else ever in this life. That is preserve for none. This is not my craziness but my will. More and more I progress I will always be legging behind because she is a perfect person. I cant chase her. luv u cta.

Mail: 58 TOPIC: I am really a bad person Today, it was our last minor examination. She again blocked me as she always does. I do not want to forget her because I cant. I just want to be in touch with her

without getting noticed by her. So, I called Kamna, she is our common friend. I thought so. I just asked her for some time to talk. She denied in such a weird manner as if I asked her for a date. I thought she is my friend and would be agreed. But, I was wrong. She was never been my friend. In fact, she was also among all those so called friends. I should be ashamed of myself that not even a single girl wants to talk to me. May be they are scared if I would propose them. How foolish? I loved a single girl. I love a single girl. I will love her forever. I do not want any other girl in my life. Then, what are they scared of? Do they feel shame walking besides me? As though, they use to walk with boy who smokes and drinks. Who used to flirt with the girls all night long? Who used to party all night in pubs? Thats called living to the fullest of life. Thats the status in her profile. What If she follows all of these? What I would do? I am leaving my hope today. But, I will always try every possible way to get any

information about her. Luv u cta Bye for ever. Take Care of yourself. Her number

One reply

It had been so long talking to her. I had her number but could not even dared to her. I had been controlling over myself for the last two years. I never talked to her on the phone after that incident when she called me and told me about her relationship, due to which I abused her so badly. After that she changed her number. How ever, I got that number too just after some months but did not call her. She was never been in any relationship with anyone. I regretted myself and could make a call. From that day, I decided not to contact her but I did several times which irritated her even more. I wanted to know about her more and more. I contacted sister, school friends, college friends but never gets a single reply. I told al of them that I love her and wants to know more about her. One day, a reply came from one of her school friends name Praveen kaur who Was in her school and they were good friends. She told me

about her Well, she was one of my friends in our group. She never been involved in such Such things. She was always been single and busy with her books and friends. More over, she always been very studious and wanted to get into a high Profession. She is really a career oriented person. I do not think if she would involve in these things. I am not sure but she would rather prefer to become an engineer first. I told her I do not want her now. I am just waiting for the right time to come and that is the only thing that I had been doing for the last three years. So, do not worry. I am not bothering her. I asked her about if there could be something between Cheshta and Ishan. Ishan and Cheshta, both of them were in our group and were very good friends as far as I am concerned and I am still in contact with both of my friends, Cheshta and Ishan. They must had told me if there is anything between them else I could get to know about this thing through my other friends in the circle. It may be possible if they are just good friend. By the way if really love her. Then, best of luck. she wished me. That day I felt so inferiority complex by her and felt so ashamed because some How, I could be one of the obstacles in her path of success. I

did not want to halt her chasing her dream and finally decided to forget her forever. If being a girl, she can do make her parents proud on her then, why not me; I was little proud on her because I love her. The wordings praising her qualities were sounding like a proud in my ears.

No place to hide

A RAY OF HOPE I knew that I would never get her. The only thing to drag myself to see this day was I believed that one day a talent would emerge out from me because there was so true saying by a legacy. Thank you God for the tragedy. I need it for my art. I knew that the tragedy was my love story. But, the talent was still the mystery. Once upon a time, one person in my old PG used to read love stories. I had shared everything to him and he suggested me to write about it. After that day, I had written two diaries. But, unlucky I lost them. I did not give up and kept writing with more experience. Now, my story had completed and I need an appropriate publishing house who could give opportunities to youngsters to nurture the talent in

them. Luckily, I got an email address of one of that kind of publishing house. Today, I am so happy because somehow, I got the mailing address of Expressions publications and mailed them. Sir, I am a B.Tech student in AMITY UNIVERSITY. Noida. Basically, I am from a middle class family. So, it was not easy for me to adjust myself in AMITY kind of environment. But, somehow, i adjusted myself. Here, I have been through many spheres of life. Which, i have elaborated in a fiction. It's about of 250 pages. I know I am not a writer. But, I am confident that you will like this. Life in AMITY for an average class person is so hard. That's why I want to you to look upon the book titled ''STARTING FROM THE END". I do not want fame, money or anything . You can even change the author's name if you want. I do not mind. All I want it to get that publish because none of the student from our college has published any book till date. I will be glad if I could be the first one. One more reason of contacting you first is as mentioned I am from a middle class background. So, it's a quite hard to get any publishing house because they demand money rather than the talent. So, I contacted you first. Brij mohan

I was very happy and nervous too. I was happy that at least, I sent my story to some publishing house. I was also nervous because I was about to share my personal life to some other people. What if I did not get a reply? I thought. As I thought it happened they did not reply and I just kept waiting for the response as I had been doing for her response. The days were in pace and I was still somewhere stuck in some of them. I had been more than three years and we were too close to enclosures. Nothing is lasts forever. So, finally the day came, Climax: It was the last day in the college. The next day we all were getting graduates. There was the rain of wishes, goodbyes and hugs in the whole college. Everyone is wishing each other. I also said goodbyes to my so called friends. Then, I move out of the crowd and observed her hugging Ishan (the boy first seen with her). Now, nothing was left from last three years. I congratulates myself for sustaining these years. I moved to our very first class where I saw her for the first time and spent about three years in the same class being silent. Chitra noticed me moving

out of the place and followed me with Kapil and Kamna. I was rewinding all my memories till date. I wanted to revive all the things that happened in the past. I was sitting on the third bench where she always used to sit with Eeshita. Now, I is little nostalgic about the moment. Sometimes, he smiles and then a drop of tear in his eyes. His head is down on the desk. Three of them are observing all of his activities in the class from outside. Suddenly, he hears a tap of steps approaching him. He moved his head upward. Thats Kamna in front of him. What are you doing here? Kamna asked. Do not you think? I should ask this question to you. Well, if you have asked me first. Then, let me tell you. I am here because there are millions of things I do not know and its one of them I said. Just stop being a philosopher. Its been years. How can you be that much patient? Well, I am just here to tell you that she wants to meet you now she said. I knew what she meant. But, I was pretending as if I did not understood her. What are you talking about? And who is she? And why she want to meet me? he asked Kamna. Kamna was surprised at him.

Who? I said. Chitra. Off course She again asked to meet. I always wanted to meet her too. But, not this way. No, I do not want to meet her. And why should I meet her? Is there anything between us? I nodded and asked her. You guys should better know that saying these lines she moved out of the class. I did not want to drag myself into the same situation as I had been for years. Its ending now. So, just let it be an end. Why to pull out the dead from the grave? I was sure that even if we meet there was no way to end it. I knew she would be just giving me some sympathy and a lecture that I did not need. Thats why I was trying to avoid the scene between us. Then, a pretty face with some attitude came across me. Of course, it was Chitra very good friend, this time it was miss Eeshita gupta(the girl who never talked to any boy in whole graduation). What is your problem? she asked me. Uhuhuh? What? My problem? Did you just say my problem? Okay. Fine. I do not want to meet her. Thats my problem. You get it? I replied. ok. If you do not want to meet her. Then, do not meet her. But, for your sake, for your diaries. Please get them from her she told me.

I was surprised as she told that she had my diaries, I had been looking for them for last one year. My diaries were the only things that I loved the most after my family. But, I try pretending as I do not know about any diary. Which diaries you are talking about? I do not write any diary or something I Replied to her. Then, abruptly. She came there. Here are your diaries. Just keep them with you as I do not want to keep them anymore and my name is not cta. Its Chitra. She shouted on me and made her way out of the class placing diaries on the desk. The boy was surprisingly seen her crying for the first time. There was a little smile on my face asking if she was really crying. The girl who made a guy cry like girls in the middle of the night for three years and was never seen a stretch on her face was herself crying. Is this real? I could not believe this. The girl who always used to follow his way of living live life to the fullest caring about nobody was really crying. I was through a moment when for the first time in three years I was much more confident. She rightly said you are such a looser. What? Ok. If leaving that kind of girl shows that I am a looser.

Then, I am happy being a looser. Where was she? When I beg to talk to her. When I needed her the most. When the people used to call me Devdas. When I used to talk to myself. When she blocked me every time on the facebook. When people were against me. When I used to walk alone in the whole campus. When I cry for her. When I mailed her for more than ninety times and never get even a single reply of them. And there are no of whens when I need her the most and she was not there I said. My patience was spilling out of the box and broke my silence. You are right. But, did you ever think why she did all this to you? Did you think that how can be a girl that much ruthless to anyone? and why? Especially you. Why would you think of her? You were always happy with mails. You know what? You really do not deserve her. She should be ashamed of herself that she loved you.

Eeshita tells him. Whoa! give me a break. Did you just say she loved me? You must be kidding I smiled and was disagree with her. yes. She loved you. It was her bad luck. Now, you would never get her. So, I have all answers to your questions. She had been in love with you when you used to mail her every day thinking that she is not getting any of them. She threw the gift box because it was not given by your hands. She did not want to talk to you because she wants you to talk to her in public place not like hides. She blocked you every time on the facebook because she wants to ignite some guts in you to dare and talk to her. But, you never dared. She never has been into any relationship before. She had always been half committed like you. In every fest, her eyes die to see you around. But, you are such a looser who never came. She did all this because she just wanted to have guts in you and ask her. Eeshita was very angry. I was totally surprised by her answers. I had got all the answers to my questions, I always wanted to ask her. Where is she now? I asked. I have no idea Eeshita says. I moved out to the corridor and searched her nearby. I saw her in the next class

weeping with her head down. She was weeping. I sat beside her. You know what? Weeping is good for health. But, your weeping is injurious to my health. So, wipe out your tears I advised her. Get out of here she replied. She scolded him and kept her head down on the desk. After a while, she moved up her head and looked around. not again. Why do I love this looser she said to herself. I was on the desk behind her. I heard that. Did you just call me a looser? Huhuhuh? I said. Where have you been? she asked. Well. I never had been to anywhere. That was you who never get me. But, I am not here arguing about the past. Eeshita has told me everything. Why did not you ever tell me if you really loved you too. I was thinking you never loved me. I never dared thinking its one sided love which has no end. I said to Chitra. I could have asked you the same question Cheshta said. I know that. So, when everything is clear now. I would like to propose you again. Errrr miss Chitra vatwani. I love you from the core of my heart. Will you be mine forever? I proposed her and in the next moment, I was on my knees keeping my

arms wide open. I love you too. Pranav. she replied and placed her hand over his palm hugged. We came closer and closer. We were just about to kiss each other. Suddenly, Who is Ishan? I asked laughingly. Your Brother in law she smilingly replied. Then, they were tightly closed to each other and smooched. You know what? Its my first kiss. I told Chitra. It seems to be she said. What do you mean? It seems and how do you? Hang on, how can you judge? he asks her for a little argument. Not again she said. Okay. Dear He said and they hugged each other tightly and graduated together and lived happily ever after. No one can escape his destiny.

THE END