By Montana Criminitely

OLD KENYONIn a move that has given

many students pause during the last two
weeks, well-known organization the Peeps
O Kenyon has cut ties to the Greek com-
munity. Over the last four decades this ir-
reverent band of fun-lovers has had an on-
again, off-again relationship with Kenyon
College Greeks. Their recent split is being
attributed to unpaid dues, but when asked,
members could not understand where the
money went.
'I could swear we flled an Orca with that
green devil, said Peeps member Ashley
Reinman 10, removing multiple tabs of
LSD from her tongue. 'If I fnd a day that`s
ft for feeling I`ll wish in my penny.
When asked about the recent turn of events,
many Kenyon students expressed concern
over the loss of parties traditionally host-
ed by the Peeps. One party on everyones
mind was the Debutante Ball, usually the
frst big Peeps event of the academic year.
Everyone dresses up, dances, and enjoys
himself, said Greg Chacin 09. Every-
thing feels good.
Plus, Chacin continued, last year, the
brownies turned into dinosaur tits!
Other Peeps events around campus include
the Halloween party, a faux wedding dur-
ing Sendoff, and the annual Acid/Sprinkler
Fun Run. Cory Sillun 10 expressed dis-
may at the thought of missing the latter.
Setting up for that was one of my favorite
duties as a Peep. Now who will make rain
for the gnome kingdom beneath Ransom?
King Lorpdock will make bloody war on
our ankles if the rain from my sprinkle
body seeps upward not downward and ever
spinning your eyes have become beautiful
phalli shooting stars toward the moon.
As of press time Sillun is still hospitalized.
The Peeps are asking Kenyon students to
keep her in their stickerlicklicks.
Peeps Drop Greek Status, Acid
By Mildred Gout
HORWITZ HOUSEIn an effort to
instill practical skill-building as well
as theoretical understanding in their
graduating seniors, the Political Sci-
ence department revised the guidelines
of their Senior Exercise, completely
doing away with the former fve-hour
written examination in favor of an ap-
titude test.
In this test, initially proposed by
Professor Alex McKeown and rati-
fed by unanimous vote, each senior
is assigned one developing nation.
They then have 24 hours to impose
a stilted, ill-ftting bastardization of
liberal democracy upon their country,
transforming it into a seething nest of
poverty, ethnic unrest, and religious
extremism. Administrators didnt like
it. Something about ruining our inter-
national reputation. Or maybe it was a
cultural sensitivity thing, Department
head Joseph Klesner said. But I stand
by my departments opinion that the
world deserves a democratic peace,
Political Science Majors
Conquer New Senior Exercise
Inside This Issue:
Masturbator Soldiers On In Spite OI Internet Outage, Roommate
Middle Ground Art Stolen In Oceans 11/12/13-esque Heist
Seven ProIessors You Didn`t Know Were Gay!
Freshman Exposed As Japanese Dancing Robot
Which Senior-Thesis Play Blew This Weekend?
Sassy CoIIee Lady About To Beat Your Ass
Black Prospie: White Guilt
DJ TK Fucked With
From the Archives:
Kenyon To Admit Women: Crozier
Center For Misogyny To Be Renamed
By Stillwater Stevens
SAOFollowing the resignation of Dean
of Students Tammy Gocial, the offce of the
President has made the controversial deci-
sion to appoint Kenyons own Greek Coun-
cil as the ad hoc search committee to deter-
mine the outgoing deans successor.
Gocials tenure on the hill has been one
marked by frequent protests about her some-
times controversial actions. In particular,
students were up in arms at the oft-maligned
party policy, which requires half a dozen stu-
dents to remain sober for nearly four hours
once a semester.
Frustrated students have called for a return
GOCIAL RESIGNS
to former Dean of Students Donald J. Oma-
hans largely hands-off method of gover-
nance. Donnys response to most problems
was, Lets blow a J and forget about this
noise, said Psi Upsilon president Lyle Mc-
Scorch 09.
The transition to a new dean will be hard
on all of us, added Greek Council Presi-
dent Ronald Alexander 09, who delivered
a quick elbow to McScorchs midsection
when the latter broke out in giggles at the
words hard-on. But hopefully we can
fnd a Dean of Students who stays the hell
away from those shes paid to assist.
Alec Beout 11 hailed Gocials resignation,
soberly commenting, Long live freedom.
Greek Council To Name Successor
By Dan Schlumphrey
STORERKenyon students are jittery with antici-
pation as campus`s frst and only Jewish a cappella
group waits to unveil the date of its frst perfor-
mance.
Whats the holdup? According to president and
musical director Ernie Goldwater 09, the arduous
process of naming the group has prevented them
from making progress.
I know, its just a name, right? Goldwater joked.
But no, a good moniker is more than just a title.
Its a witty, playful amalgamoften a portman-
teauof everything we hold dear. Were missing
that perfect pun.
The group thought they had nailed it when tenor
Alex Lipstein 10 came up with Oy Cappella,
but it turns out they werent the only ones whod
thought of it.
Jewish A Cappella Group Seeks Perfect Pun
Continued on Page 2
Continued on Page 2
Page 1
and that our seniors are the best-qualifed
people for the job.
Leah Rebe 09 was eager to begin. I got Bu-
rundi. Its one of the poorest countries in the
world and its population defnes itself mainly
by ethnicity. So, naturally, I implemented a
unitary government with a plurality electoral
system and introduced liberal education in
place of vocational training. I also sterilized
the poorest fve percent. Democracy and clas-
sical excellence in action!
Hansel Otterbein `09 was the frst student to
receive Distinction honors under the new sys-
tem, having actually provoked his assigned
country, Turkmenistan, into a devastating
ethnic cleansing campaign within four hours
of his arrival. No big deal, Otterbein said.
You gotta break some eggs to make a demo-
cratic omelet with pure proportional represen-
tation and a Rousseauean civil religion.
Professor of Religious Studies Vernon
Schubel, usually all over this shit, could not
be reached for comment.
Thirty-six Jewish a cappella groups in the
Midwest alone go by Oy Cappella, Lip-
stein said. Thirty-six. Havent you schmucks
heard of Google?
At Thursdays rehearsal, Goldwater gave a
fery lecture, calling the group 'musical pro-
fessionals and nomenclatural amateurs. But
he ended with an optimistic note, suggesting
that the elusive pun might fnally be within
their reach.
Its out there, said Goldwater, that glori-
ous bit of wordplay that combines Judaica,
Kenyon kitsch, and our love of song.
To tell you the truth, Lipstein said, I kind
of like The Chosen Tones.
The as-yet-unnamed group, which rehearses
every night except on Shabbat, has collected
a diverse repertoire, rich arrangements, fat-
tering khakis, and legions of fans who are
preparing to go unfulflled until the perfect
pun is obtained.
I wont settle for less, demanded Ja-
cob Fishback 12, a fan. If they come
up with some stale title like The Koko-
steiners,` I`m gonna fip a goy.
But some, to the chagrin of the group, are
growing impatient. Its been way too
long, another fan lamented via Allstu
last week. I want to hear Hava Nagila,
and I want to hear it over beatboxing.
In the last few weeks, the group has come
up with a few ideas. Theres Challah
Back and Talmuddy Waters, Lipstein
said, which, you know, Im not crazy
about. The Bar-Chord Mitzvahs is pret-
ty lame, too. And then I thought of The
Shoahstoppers, but thats . . .
Too real, Goldwater interrupted. Too
real.
A cappella fans, the balls in your court.
Email kenyon.collegiate@gmail.com
with your pick, and if your pun is the win-
ner, the group will surprise you at your
door with a selection from Stein, Bock,
and Harnicks Fiddler on the Roof.
Continued from POLI SCI: Page 1 Continued from JEWS: Page 1
Collegiate
Staff
Editor-in-Chief Lead Designer
Skeeter Demiglace Cornelius Coot
Head Writers
Cornelius Coot, Montana Criminitely,
Tigger French, Mildred Gout, Luther
Honeybucket, Diesel Jackson, Saul
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Stevens, Sheridan Whiteside
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Dan Schlumphrey
Editorial Assistants
Wilbur Remington, Kris Klobb, Bob
Kalashnikov, Ruben Slappers-Only, Irva
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Barb Cougar Magnum, Skipper Will-
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clear Wessles, Vidkid Timo
Interns
Barnstable Herzegovina Barnstable,
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(no relation), Zell Blablaski, Natalie
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Founder/Editor Emeritus
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KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO, DSO
By Tigger French
GUND COMMONSAfter failing to secure
enough student Community Advisors for the
fall of 2009, the Kenyon College Residential
Life staff has decided to outsource the Com-
munity Advisor position to ALFA, a telemar-
keting and sales frm in Mumbai, India.
Mark Kohlman, Chief Financial Offcer, ex-
plained the decision in greater depth: From a
fnancial perspective, this decision makes a lot
of sense. ALFA has a proven track record of
survey and market research, HR support, and
in- and out-bound calling services. All these
skills are, obviously, directly applicable to the
Community Advisor position.
This deal, he continued, represents syn-
ergy, streamlined communication, and cost-
effective branding.
When asked to explain the logistics of the
program, Alicia G. Dugas, Assistant Dean of
Students for Housing and Residential Life, ex-
plained that ALFA will be using videoconfer-
encing software to keep eyes on dorm rooms
and halls 24 hours a day.
Mumbai is a technological capital of the
world, she said, and we love cutting-edge
technology here at Kenyon. Many of our com-
petitor schools have outsourced their CA pro-
grams as well. It was inevitable that we
would follow suit.
Student response has been less than fa-
vorable on the issue, with many concerns
centered around the issue of privacy. Erma
Stending 09 explained, Using webcams
in dorms and halls is just another way to
ruin fun at Kenyon College. But Im still
more upset that Facebook tricked me into
thinking that it was private.
Colt McGuddy 11 echoes this sentiment
about privacy concerns. Its weird that
some dude in India can see me naked if
Im not careful. But, as an anthropology
major, I dont think its fair for me to judge
another culture or its people without ob-
jective, in-depth ethnographic research.
Saxby Chambluss 10 also utilized his
academic background to explain his feel-
ings on the issue. As a political science
major, he said, I just feel like globaliza-
tion makes this inevitable. I dont know if
youve read Tom Friedman or not, but in
a very complex argumentwhich Im go-
ing to make much more pedestrian here
he explains that the world is just hot, fat,
and crowded.
Maybe Kenyon is just following the tra-
jectory of the world, and getting hot, fat,
and crowded, Chambluss concluded.
CA Positions Outsourced To India For 2009
Freshman Shares Unique, Tangential Experiences In Seminar
By Montana Criminitely
RALSTON HOUSEKenyons sociology department has been in an uproar since the
beginning of second semester, when wunderkind Josh Kremel 12 started making waves
in his introductory seminar. Professor Marla Kohlman, chair of the department, claims
Kremel is the breath of fresh air this school needs.
Ive never seen anything like it, Kohlman continued. I had barely started the lecture
and already his hand was in the air. At frst I thought he needed to use the restroom, but
Page 2
Continued on Page 3
Jugdeep John Smith, Norton CA for 2009, at desk in Mumbai
By The Guy Ahead Of You In Line
Oh, boy. Its breakfast time! Lets make a lit-
tle inventory here. Got my juice, got my eggs,
got my bagel. What else do I need? I know
theres one thing I forgot. Hmm.

Oh! Of course! Cream cheese for my bagel!
Andwhats this?Ive been standing in
front of it this whole time!
How convenient.
I hate how they put both chunky, gloppy,
white breakfast toppings right next to each
other. If, God forbid, I end up spreading the
wrong condiment on my crusty treat, my
morning will be ruined.
Unfortunately, there`s only one surefre meth-
od of differentiating between the two. I must
stand here and probe each bucket, testing
painstakingly each substances consistency.
Derp de derp.
How weird that one has a butter knife, while
the other requires a larger, broader spreading
tool. Peirce always has such random stuff!
Oh, hey there, Friend I See Every Morning!
Sure, go ahead and gripe about waking up
for your 11:10 class. No, of course youre not
bothering me. Im just at the front of the line
for the cream cheese.

Got it! The one in the middlejust like the
label sequence on the glass indicates! Only
one question remains. Is this the low-fat
kind? Maybe I should wait around to ask the
AVI lady. Hmm.
Holy shit. Is that Golden Grahams or Cinna-
mon Toast Crunch?
then he started to inform the class that he had spent an entire two weeks building a house
with his church groupso he really understood how poverty affects society as a whole. I
realized then and there we had stumbled upon something special.
'It`s the frst time I`ve seen a seminar break into a spontaneous standing ovation, Kohl-
man beamed, wiping away a tear of admiration.
Professors are not the only group on campus awed by this erudite, accomplished, and
stylish new face. Students, men and women alike, fnd him irresistible.
When I saw him wearing a vest over a t-shirt I decided to just throw in the towel, sighed
Frank Trummel 09, captain of the Kenyon soccer team. Ill never be that amazingly
one-of-a-kind.
He smells funny, explained Stephanie Calhoun 12, so you know hes thinking very
hard. I just count myself lucky to be in the same year as this paragon of individuality and
intellect. I think hes starting to grow a beard, too.
When asked where he attained such depths of personality and the compassion to share
his experiences with anyone who happens to be in the same room, Kremel avoided eye
contact and mumbled in a sexually charged nasal tone, Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference.
Continued from FRESHMAN: Page 2
By Larry Sellers 70
April 30, 1969
CROZIER CENTERLords of Kenyon,
it seems the inevitable has fnally hap-
pened. We all hoped and prayed it never
wouldwe asked our rich and powerful
fathers to manipulate the fnancial and
political sectors to prevent its occur-
rencebut it seems the dreaded hippies
have fnally won.
Women are coming to Kenyon . . . as stu-
dents.
After years of academic achievement and
numerous outstanding feats of mascu-
linity, the weaker sex will descend upon
Gambier next fall to corrupt us with their
hysteria and peculiar sensitivities.
I still cant believe this, said Michael
Shanks 70. Kenyon College was found-
ed with the expressed purpose of keeping
women out. Thats why its on a hill!
Shankss theory is correct. Upon consul-
tation of the School Charter, frst penned
by Philander Chase himself in 1824, there
does indeed exist a matter-of-fact refer-
ence to the bishops disdain for all things
womanly:
Verily, be it hereforthwith decreed in
this year one thousand eight hundred and
twynty-fore of our LORD Jesus Christ, no
womanfolk shall be permitted to set their
feete upon the grounds of yon Kenyon
College lest their menstruations flle the
noses of the men and drive them toward
savage and Indianish behavior. Any fe-
male found on campus shall be tarred and
feathered with the greatest haste.
The trustees, likely under the threat of
their wives withholding sex, have voted
to have this passage stricken from the
Charter.
Kenyon, once a hotspot for all things gentle-
manly, will likely be reduced to a shadow
of its former self with the arrival of women.
Regular activities such as pipe-smoking
during class and unrestricted use of the C
word are expected to disappear next term.
No Kenyon man has taken the news harder
than everybodys favorite bachelor William
'Wild Bill Crozier `52, the unoffcial 'Dean
of Men at Kenyon College. Crozier, whose
home on Wiggin Street is known to students
as the Crozier Center for Misogyny, has
been entertaining and educating the men
of Kenyon since he himself was a student
here. Crozier could not be reached for com-
ment, having retreated into seclusion at the
announcement of the oncoming admittance
of women.
The Crozier Center, where the air was once
flled with the smoke of Lucky Strikes, and
Scotch whiskey fowed like water, is being
seized by college authorities and is to be con-
verted into the Crozier Center for Women.
Sacrilege, I say, to any true Kenyon lord.
Bill always threw the best parties, said
Dick Hornblower 69. Hed bus in girls from
womens colleges to come and party here.
And, lemme tell you, these werent the up-
tight, prudish college girls you read about
these were the ones who were really up for
swingin the Dickie.
Wild Bill was a real swell guy, Hornblower
added. Im gonna miss him.
Bills bachelor pad is to be handed over to
his (for good reason) unmarried cousin Doris,
who is probably the last woman any Kenyon
man would want to neck with. No one knows
exactly what services the new Crozier Center
will provide, but one can expect that swingin
parties and easy women are not a top priority.
The offce of College Headmaster (soon to be
termed President) William G. Caples has as-
sured the Kenyon student body that the Crozier
Center will continue to provide prophylactics.
From the Archives: Kenyon To Admit Women:
Crozier Center For Misogyny To Be Renamed
Is This Cream Cheese Or Butter?
Bill Crozier and a friend in happier times.
Page 3
By Skeeter Demiglace
GUND COMMONSFandango, an annual tradition that cel-
ebrates a milestone for seniors, was brought to to a screeching halt
by Safety and Security last Friday. Security Offcers cited Tammy
Gocial`s failure to register the party, a lack of qualifed party moni-
tors, and a belligerent crowd as causes for shutting down the event.
Ironically, as Dean of Students, Gocial helped craft and implement
the new party policy that mandates party registration and account-
ability.
Security was frst alerted to the party after reports that professors
were throwing up in the bushes outside Gund came streaming in.
Associate Professor of English Jim Carson was found in a puddle of
his own vomit, reciting Henry Fielding to the shrubs he was keeled
over.
We thought the scene outside was outrageous, but then we went
inside and were shocked by what we saw, remarked Felipe Este-
ban, a Safety offcer.
Security stormed Gund Commons in riot gear and found Dean
Gocial and President Nugent taking keg stands by the stage where
campus jazz band The Two Timers were performing. Gocial really
seemed to be getting into the swing of things, senior Starquee-
sha Gerard remarked. She even tried to push a little sticky icky, if
you know what Im sayin. You know that purple kush? That magic
dragon, ya feel? That ganj, that straight marijuana. Gerard added:
When I told her I didnt want her shwaggy weed, she called me a
musty-ass jellybag. Then she started pop-locking.
Dean Gocial denied all the allegations, telling Security that she was
simply enjoying a hand-rolled cigarette. When asked if she regu-
larly smoked cigarettes, she answered, Only when Im drunk.
Gocial blamed Assistant Professor of Anthropology Sam Pack for
pushing the marijuana. When confronted with Gocials allegations,
Pack said, Yo, homeslice, the Native Americans used to get high
off the doobie and the Native Americans are fresh. Security cuffed
Pack and handed him over to a Knox County Sheriff deputy.
Gocial, Nugent, and Carson were all driven home by campus safety,
despite protests by Gocial. Im cool, bitches! I can drive! Watch,
Im going to walk in a straight line, she said before falling into a
tree and knocking out two teeth.
No word yet as to whether Gocial, Nugent, and Carson will face
judicial action.
Gocial Fails To Register Fandango; Security Raids Rager
By Luther Honeybucket and Sheridan Whiteside
MANNINGIn a move that stunned the small community of
Gambier on Thursday, the room of Bryan Shelangoski, Assis-
tant Director of Housing and Residential Life, was raided by the
Knox County SWAT team on a tip reportedly supplied by a source
known only as Gilligan.
The evidence was disturbing.
Brian [sic] Shelangosky [sic] had been employed by [Michael
Vicks 15-acre] Bad Newz Kennels in Surry County, VA, for three
years prior to his Kenyon employment, read the anonymous tip.
Vick, who was incarcerated in December 2007, declined to com-
ment, but implied that Shelangoski had left Bad Newz due to cre-
ative differences.
Upon investigation, the evidence was confrmed by David B. Bar-
ber, Sheriff of Knox County. Wed suspected this guy for years,
Barber said. Come on. Just look at him. Unfortunately, we had
nothing from which to build a charge.
But when, in January of this year, Shelangoski made the mistake
of handing a Community Advisor a $20 bill that was smeared
with dog blood, Barber knew his old suspicions werent in vain.
Indeed, the anonymous tip corroborated evidence that the recent
pay hike for Community Advisors comes from dogfghting mon-
ey won between 2003 and 2006.
Three years later, justice has fnally been served.
Shelangoski is currently recovering in the Mount Vernon Hospital
with Taser burns, Mace sores, and a 12-gauge shotgun round to
the chest. He is awaiting trial on multiple accounts.
His dog, however, was not so lucky.
We were in the process of apprehending the suspect when we
were attacked by a small, hypoallergenic yapper, said Barber.
It was kind of cute, he continued, chuckling at the recollection.
Unfortunately, we had to neutralize the assailant. We had no idea
what that thing was trained to do.
Resident Josephine McCaskey 11 needed time to collect the
words to express her shock. 'Dogfghting? Jesus. I just can`t be-
lieve Bryan would do something like that. But at least that fucking
dog is dead. That thing was more annoying than reading those
res-life emails.
Meanwhile, Barber can rest easy knowing that his longtime sus-
pect has been subdued. As the saying goes, he said, you just
can`t teach an old dogfghter new tricks.
Shelangoski Linked To Michael Vick Dogfighting Ring
By Sheridan Whiteside

EATON CENTER NORTHIn light of recent economic hardship,
the Board of Trustees decided to hold an emergency summit in or-
der to discuss the grim fnancial future of Kenyon College.
The endowment has been cut nearly in half, and we have about
a billion Graham Gund projects going on right nowprojects we
simply cant afford, said David Knowlton 80 P12.
But where to hold the meeting? The trustees wanted to choose a
place that refected fnancial responsibility and a willingness to
make sacrifces.
The worst thing about Dubai is the heat, said Donald Hebb Jr.
64, slipping on his ski mask and preparing to race down the 25-
story indoor ski slope. You would think that they could at least put
up a shade in space to make things cooler around here.
Weve truly fallen on hard times, Hebb said.
Temperatures can reach up to 117 degrees in Dubai, but the other
trustees have their own ways of cooling off. We need to rethink
the way the school handles its budget, said Carla R. Ainsworth
95, reclining in a pool of champagne and shooting coy looks at
her sexy waiter. The age where we can afford things like student
clubs and the Horn Gallery has ended.
Some, like T. John Parker 75 P05 & 09, think even more drastic
measures are necessary. He was available for comment on his
private, palm-shaped island.
Two words: budget cuts, he continued. Here we are, living
in shambles, and were allowing students to complain about the
Mongolian grill? Its SPAM from here on out, you little spoiled
shits, he said angrily, between mouthfuls of Beluga caviar and
black truffes.
You think this is easy for us? Ainsworth said, exasperated. I
swear on Philanders grave, one more word about crappy shower
pressure and Im going to up the lead content in the water.
The trustees are expected to share the results of the summit some-
time in 2010, Hebb said, although we may need more time.
Trustees To Hold Emergency Financial Summit
Page 4
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