Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 3

sePteMber 30, 2010

Kenyons Most handicaPPed-accessible newsPaPer

Beautiful Campus Award Exposes Ugliness Within

By Granny Hayes RANSOM HALL Two weeks ago Kenyon was named the most beautiful campus in the world by Forbes Magazine. Since the article was published, The Collegiate has set out to find what professors and students think makes Kenyon truly beautiful. For religious studies professor Royal Rhodes, Kenyon contains the beauty of a modern day Paradise. Yes, Kenyon is Eden atop a Hill, said Rhodes, looking up at Old Kenyon where streams of ivy used to cover its walls, but Eden would be nothing without its nefarious snake. There is ugliness here--I can sense it. Rhodes then touched two perfectly round eggs in a doves nest, ensuring that they would hatch motherless and cold. For junior Samantha Lorba 12 its the autumn foliage that certainly puts a spring in her step and a smile on her face. When the leaves all turn a crisp brown and cover Ransom Lawn, I

InsIde ThIs Issue

Free Store Run Yields Ironic Hat, Unironic Lice

imagine dropping a single lit match onto the foliage, said Lorba, looking over Kenyons rolling hills the same hills where Philander Chase once stood and exclaimed, Have I ever seen the sun shine on something so magnificent? Not that I would ever do it, Lorba continued as she picked one singular daisy and put it behind her ear, but I am just curious how much would burn. Do you think it would reach Leonard?...ha! well, I really have no idea.

At the heart of this beautiful college lies nothing but darkness.

Others like sophomore James Edgewick 13 find beauty in old fashioned intellectual stimulation and the inner workings of our own noggins. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to kill another man, said sophomore James Edgewick 13 as he walked past the charming Sunset Cottage. You know, like what it would feel like to hold the bloody body in your arms during its last moments of life, listening to it gasp for

Upperclassmen Disapprove

Kenyon Collegian Running Out Of Ways To Say Football Team Loses Broken Heart Mended With Amish Pie Chem Hard; Dick Limp

Continued on page 6.

Gund Game Room Falls Prey To Pool Shark Fraternity Defends Hotel Browanda Themed Party
By Gunderson Threeply GUND COMMONS Over the past several weeks, Campus Safety has reported that an increasing number of complaints have surfaced concerning one Daniel McClann 11. This cat is long on dough and short on morals, said Dick Huxley, a campus security officer. Hes lifted it from roughly twenty students, and he dont aim to stop. Im playing pool in the Game Room, and this guy just slithers up, asking me if I want to make some easy money, recalled Albert Reynolds 14. I win a few rounds, make some cash and decide to clean him out, just to get him to leave. But then he starts pulling some real ridiculous shit: behind the back shots, hat tricks, ricocheting the balls of the ceiling. At one point Im pretty sure I saw the very face of God himself reflected in the cue ball. Next thing I know, Im flat on my ass and broke.
t he kenyon collegiat e

McClann, who insists on being called Handsome Dan despite his unnervingly thin pencil mustache and nigh-constant perspiration, was unapologetic when confronted outside Hanna Hall. What, just because some schmucks cant keep track of

By Clams Casino

At one point I saw the very face of God himself reflected in the cue ball. Next thing I know, Im flat on my ass and broke.
their money, all of a sudden its my problem? Whats it to you? You a cop or somethin? McClann asked. He then refused to answer any more questions, claiming that he needed to get to the market for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Some students may recall McClanns Slick Vicar scheme from

Continued on page 5.

PHILO Lambda Kappa brothers publicly defended posters advertising their Hotel Browanda-themed party last Tuesday at an emergency Greek Council meeting. Associate Visiting Professor of French Camille Matys-Rahbar was the first to speak out about the posters at last Mondays faculty meeting. There are highly offensive advertisements posted on academic facilities, vented Matys-Rahbar. I have children who walk around these buildings. What are they supposed to think? President Nugent called for a public apology from Lambda Kappa and scheduled the emergency Greek Council meeting for the following day. Were just a bunch of hardy American pun enthusiasts, argued Lambda Kappa president Jesse Osserstein 11 during the preliminary

address of his filibuster. Were just looking to have a littlepun? Osserstein went on to explain that the fraternity had spent nearly 60% of their total 2010 budget on costumes, decorations and multimedia in preparation for their party, calling a change of theme out of the question.

Were just a bunch of hearty American pun enthusiasts.

My buddy Peter even made a whole bunch of ibicuba and traditional Tsuti hunting song mash-ups for the occasion, Osserstein explained. It was definitely a bad call to put the posters in academic building. That I concede, yes. But in terms of images on the posters, I mean, how else are freshman going to know what to wear to parties? They need guidance.

Continued on page 4.
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Wealthy Freshman Doesnt Understand Why We Cant Just Go To Middle Ground

By Boat Thorpe GUND LOUNGE Chaz Chase 14 notified the Office for Wealthy Students Affairs (OWSA) when he invited his hallmates to eat at the Middle Ground Caf and was met with nervous stares and awkward throat-clearing. Chase told The Collegiate that he was playing Super Smash Bros with his hallmates when the incident occurred. Cam [Trucks 14] was just saying we should all go to dinner, he recalled, and he kept bitching about Trayless Tuesday, so I was like, dude, lets go to Middle Ground. According to the report Chase filed with the OWSA, Trucks reacted negatively to this suggestion, claiming that the Middle Ground Caf sucks and that everyone would be eating at Peirce Dining Hall. Chase, whose mother allows him unlimited use of her credit card, did not understand this, as at an earlier date Trucks had stolen a Middle Ground chicken tender from Chasess to-go order and described them as frickin good. Chase, who has had summer jobs but only for the experience, reminded his friend of this incident. Trucks and the other Gund residents in attendance responded by avoiding eye $200, protested that most items on the Middle Ground Caf menu were like seven bucks. When this failed to convince anyone, Chase, whose family dog is named after a famous author, began to realize his friends were not who he thought they were. I guess Hal and Cam must be, like, scholarship kids, Chase said. He then expressed regret for describing his familys Marthas Vineyard house in such detail. Maxine Bohrer, assistant director

Chase . . . has had summer jobs but only for the experience
contact and saying um. It was totally weird, said Chase, whose most awkward interactions to date had been with his familys Brazilian cleaning lady. Finally, Hal Prooker 14 spoke up, saying, Its kinda expensive. Chase, wearing pants that cost over

of the OWSA, said that Chases experiences are unfortunately not unusual. Many highly privileged students find it difficult to relate to their less fortunate peers, Bohrer said. She recommended wealthy students learn about the poor experience by sleeping without a mattress pad or watching HBOs The Wire. Trucks could not be reached for comment, as he was busy working at his on-campus job.

Weapons-Grade Uranium Just For . . . Research, Says Physics Department

By Sheridan Whiteside

By Charlie Adams

Milks Reenactment Club Stages First Party

HAYES HALL On July 15, the Physics Department received a shipment of 100 kilograms of pure weapons-grade uranium from an unknown source. Escorted by a hazmat team in purple suits, the isotope U-235enriched uranium was, according to a statement from the department, expected to propel Kenyon physics to the forefront of nuclear research. Sources say Professor of Physics Ben Schumacher, on sabbatical for

To put it in laymans terms, this stuff could really fuck somebody up.
the 2010-11 academic year, made a surprise appearance as the trucks came to a stop in the science quad courtyard. As he pried the top off of a

wooden crate exuding a strange green glow, Schumacher ordered the boxes to be sent to his office, exclaiming simply, Excellent. Capable of causing liver, kidney and heart failure, massive brain damage and genetic mutations, U-235 weapons-grade uranium also has the unique ability to start an apocalyptic fission chain that would annihilate everything in a fifteen-mile radius and cause the area to become a radioactive wasteland. To put it in laymans terms, this stuff could really fuck somebody up, said physics chair Timothy Sullivan, hastily throwing a sheet over a large metal casing. Good thing were using it for peaceful research. However, after months of silence,

Schumacher at the time of delivery.

GAMBIER Kenyons newly founded Milks Reenactment Club staged its first successful performance last Saturday evening, reported Hannah Caplan 11, the groups vice president. According to Caplan, the nights spectacle was the result of hard work, painstaking research, and respect for the lessons that bygone debauchery can teach us. Caplan, who founded The Milks Reenactment Club just a scant two weeks earlier with friends Jana Hefferman 12 and Rhonda Xu 11, says that [the club] seeks to recreate the entire Milk Cartons experience for a new generation. We believe that our history even those hazy nights spent funneling Red Stripe dressed as Ke$ha is a valuable part of us that we must pass on to younger students. By that measure, Saturday night was a smashing success: the event

attracted hundreds of spectators and received smash-hit reviews. as far as im concerned, those girls WERE the milks girls, [sic] read one glow-

The Milk Cartons era is an important part of our history.

ing allstu. Im only a sophmore. but when they poured pbr all over anna [Jones 12]s hair, i knew that i understood the milks expereince. and those are lessons im gonna take with me back to old kenyon, to weaver, and beyond. [sic] Of course, the opinions of some spectators were not so glowing. I didnt understand the point, says Keller Pomo 14. It was just a party. I can go to the Ganter and see that any day of the week. I cant believe

Continued on page 5.

The reenacters displaying extraordinary attention to detail.

Continued on page 5.
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Special Topic Studies Sentence, Finds Universe

By Elgin Marbles TIMBERLAKE HOUSE Students in Professor Alzanes Special Topic: The Sentence cannot wait to get cracking on the dependent clause, sources report. While many classes tackle whole time periods, countries, or techniques in the course of a semester, Professor Alzanes IPHS seminar focuses on the study of just one sentence. Its an amazing opportunity, Martin Wydied 14 gushed. I mean, a lot of my friends are almost finishing whole books, but were getting an opportunity to really delve into the meat of literature, really see where things start, and, Id even say, where things end. A lot can happen in a sentence. Originally written in Sorbian, a language native to the Lusatia region of Eastern Germany, the sentence comes from an 18th-century travelogue by an author identified only as Jan the Darker. Hand-bound in sheeps gut, the text in which it appears was discovered by Alzane last spring while on sabbatical. First, the class focused on translation, particularly the theoretical subtleties of studying a text in a language one would never actually learn, according to Gaby Cady 13. I mean, I took French in high

school, Cady admitted. It takes a lot of time to translate stuff. Im really grateful to have such a brilliant professor to do it for me. We talk about words, a lot. Thats in my notes. Cady also noted that the sentence allows for lots of opportunity to discuss personal theoretical concerns. As a feminist, Im really interested in punctuation as penetration, she said. By the way, do you know what a semicolons for? Confident that the sentence refers to blood and not goats milk, the class plans to reference Christ for a while as part of a self-directed group-think methodology, Alzane said. Class is kinda like being in an angry mob, like a horde, but in like a totally chill way, Finn Neuregard 12 said. We kinda just shout a lot and this one kid slams his hand on the table sometimes. Thats how you know something exciting is happening. For many students, the text is more than just an insight into an obscure historical period, offering opportunities for self-discovery as well. Its got me writing a lot in my diary, said Josh Divan 13. Im crazy bout this Dark guy, like Madonna, hes a lot like me, weve got issues, but were just tryin to know what it all means in this crazy show called life.

Whats The Deal With Books?

By Chet Pastino

Hey there, ladies and germs. Now, you all know me: Im not much of what youd call a reader. In fact, the last book I read was The Never Ending Storyand thats a movie! One thing about books, though--they never end! Or at least thats how it FEELS. By the way, heres a story that never ends. No, Im kiddingwho am I, my MOTHER? Picture this: me, Chet, going into the Kenyon Bookstore. Or should I say the Bagel-Store-ThatOccasionally-Sells-Books?! Whos with me? So Im in the B.S.T.O.S.B. and I see this sign: Banned Books Week 2010. And Im like: BANNED BOOKS? The only BANNED BOOKS Im interested in are books about RUSH, my favorite BAN(ne) D. Banned books? Get outta here. Speaking of banning booksyes please! But, hey, HEY, you know ol

Pastino. Ive been known to ruffle a feather or two. So I walk up to the list, and Im like, Hey, banning books is the best idea since I installed a snooze button on my GIRLFRIEND! Am I right or am I right? And this bookstore lady, she says to me, she says, Havent you heard of the First Amendment? So Im like, Shut it, bookworm! And shes all, Youre being rude again, Chet. Sounds like she really threw the BOOK at me! Who does she think she isBOOKer T. Washington? I sure BOOKED it out of there, let me tell you. Boy, this sure is one for the BOOKS! Well I asked around and it turns out this First Amendment thing gives people the right to free speech. Or should I say, WRONG to free speech? Right to free speech. In your dreams. There are only three free things Im interested in: free cannolis, free Rush tickets, and Free Willy (another MOVIE, by the way)! I wish I was FREE of all this controversy! And HOW. Books, books, books. Get rid of em! I saw this guy reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I says to him, I says, More like, Brave POO, NERD!... By Allthis SUCKS, see? Or how about The Iliad? Come ON. They should call it Im Feeling ILL. Egad! And dont even get me started on To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. By Harper Lee? More like, Bye, Harper Lee! Now THATs what I call ruffling some FEATHERS. Maybe I should write that one down. UH-OH!

STUDENTS

Guy St. Ives 12

Hannah Santa Anna 14 Prissy Doodle 14

Hewlet G. McFarlane Bruce Hardy Assoc. Prof. of Anth. Assoc. Prof. of Psychology

FACULTY
Totals so far: Students: 31 Faculty: 8.5

Vs.
What if God was one of us?
Whats the only risk you run having phone sex?

His name would be Ralph Lauren. Nothing, if my history is any indication... Voss water. EXLCUSIVE. White after labor day. Zero

Were Episcopalians! Hearing aids! What do you love? You love a car!

I am. Carpal tunnel. Wearin a kilt. Spearin beasts.

Thats neither here nor there. Pish posh! Thats insulting. Tardiness. Three

Just a slob like one of us? What the little girls said. Bueller? Bueller? Man.

What do you love you some of?

Whats the deadliest sin?

Abandoning your only daughters. Three

Letting your apple butter rot. Two

Total Correct

k enyon.collegiate@g m a i l . c o m

From Fraternity, page 1.

Lambda Kappa vice president Artie Schroeder 11 took the stand for a Q and A after Ossersteins address. Party themes are always about, you know, nice things. Fun things. But parties are already fun! Why not make the theme a little more harrowing? By throwing a party of this nature, were given the unique opportunity to explore genocide and political corruption in the context of abundant alcohol and natural titties.

By Ming Shei Huarez

KenyonFit Announces New Ironic Fitness Classes

KAC The KenyonFit campaign for campus wellness announced that it will begin offering 90s-style exercise classes to capitalize on the student populations fanatical devotion to irony and low desire to actually work out. After conducting a year-long study, we determined that students at Kenyon seem to have a high appreciation for the fads of their childhoods. Why not apply this nostalgia to fitness? said Emily Heithaus, coordinator for physical education. Also, many students already own ridiculous amounts of spandex. Starting in October, the KenyonFit schedule will be expanded to include Billy Blanks TaeBo Video workouts on Tuesday and Thursday, Jane Fonda Fridays, a 2 AM drunken Buns of Steel class (clothing optional), as well as Jazzercise, which will be taught by Vera Schultz, an old lady that Heithaus met while shopping at the Mount Vernon Goodwill. She was dropping off a bag of

A snapshot of Kenyons nascent jazzercise scene.

used sweatbands. They werent washed. In that moment, I knew she was just the right kind of creepy quirky that would attract those lazy hipster kids to the KAC, explained Heithaus. Students who otherwise would not be caught within 30 feet of anything resembling athletic equipment have been flocking to the fitness center to half-heartedly whip their pale asses into shape. I bought this floral leotard for the Archon party last year, and now Im sweating in it. And its my actual perspiration, not just dancefloor contact droplets, marveled Alexa Richmond 11. However, the new fitness regime does have unforeseen consequences for some students. I ripped the seams of my little girl Barbie t-shirt because my guns got so toned from TaeBo, complained Stuart Michwill 12. Class attendance is expected to drop off within a few weeks as the hipsters figure out that they are actually participating in something.

The posters in question have been recieved with apprehension and anger.

Senior At Your Lunch Table Almost Majored in That

By Jean Shortz PEIRCE Senior anthropology major Andy McKnight 11 was sitting at your table at lunch today, and when you brought up a particularly engaging topic that you had discussed in your English class the period before, McKnight weighed in on the subject and revealed that he had, in fact, almost majored in that. He told you that he had taken two classes with Lentz and one with Kluge and really loved them but ultimately decided, after a lot of deep self-searching, to major in anthropology. You found this to be

You marveled sprezzatura.

at

his

interesting. This endeared you to him. Later in the conversation, dance major Lizzie Beckham, 13, made a comment about an interesting article that both you and she had read in your sociology class, and McKnight mentioned that he had also almost majored in sociology. McKnight took the introductory sociology course as well as two additional courses before deciding that anthropology is where his passion lies, though, if you think about it, the subjects have a lot in common. You thought about

it, and you realized that he was right. You also realized that McKnight has myriad academic interests and a real aptitude for the humanities. Upon sitting back down at the table after you went into the servery to top off your Moms Best Natural Golden Grahams, you heard McKnight say to Theodore Black 14 as he was leaving the table that he hoped Black would enjoy his Physics lab McKnight had taken a physics lab his freshman year, and his professor really wanted him to declare a physics major. Ultimately, he was too bogged down in his other classes and was so interested in pursuing music and classes at the Craft Center that physics just didnt work out. You decided here that McKnight is a true Renaissance mana polymatha Homo universalis. You marveled at his sprezzatura. As you left the table, McKnight handed you your Spanish book and told you that he almost went abroad to Chile. He added that it hadnt worked out because he dropped his Spanish major even though he was quite inteligente in Spanish and has quite an aptitud for languages, as it were. As of press time, you still couldnt believe youd had the privilege of brushing against such a prodigy during your short time on this earth.

Kenyon Ladies Mascot Literally a Kenyon Lady

By Barker D. Flugelhorn GAMBIER, OH In an effort to boost school spirit and support for womens sporting events, Kenyon has hired the aid of a professional mascot, who, like the womens team name, is literally a Kenyon Lady. Priscilla Dorfmeister, a 58-yearold accountant, auditioned for the position not knowing what to expect, but, after a rigorous screening process, was selected as the Kenyon Lady. Desirable features of the position included a genuine ladyness, among other benchmarks, and Dorfmeister was selected as the perfect fit, according to Field Hockey coach Jennifer Gulbis. We really couldnt have asked for a better lady. The best part is... Im already in costume! an ecstatic Dorfmeister told reporters last Monday. Dorfmeister will be joining the Kenyon Ladies Field Hockey Team every week, in her gingham blouse and fan-

ny pack, cheering politely at the onfield events along with Ladies fans numbering nearly in the dozens.this sentence is a tad long... but I really, really like it. Weve already made a fan club! said Stan Shratz 12. In honor of the Kenyon Lady, or, as we like to call her, The Lady, we all wear oversize foam hearing aids, and when the ladies on the field score that hockey goal, us ladies on the bleachers yell, What? It really never gets old. Administrators report that Dorfmeisters presence has been very well-received. I think its great, said Gordon Rex, athletic coordinator, that for the first time, a mascot doesnt get recognition for a flashy plush suit or silly, uncivilized antics. The Kenyon Lady represents the epitome of realistic mascot representation. Shes out there every week, just doing what she knows best: being a Lady, and being proud of it.
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Freshman Fails To Pick Up Sexually Adventurous Woman At Dirty Poetry

By Boat Thorpe LENTZ HOUSE Samson Barry 14 attended last Thursdays Dirty Poetry reading in Lentz House Basement hoping to meet a beautiful, assertive, and sexually voracious woman, but instead found himself drinking lukewarm coffee out of a paper cup and listening to poems about the subtle beauty of the clitoris. I just thought, you know, Dirty Poetry, said Barry, The kind of girls who would go to that sort of thing must be, like, into polyamory and crazy vibrators and having sex outside. The girls, however, were mostly sensibly-dressed English majors with round-framed glasses. Furthermore, Barry was disappointed to discover that they had little interest in socializing. Id try to be all, Girl, I bet your labia are like rose petals too, said Barry, and they kept being like, Shhh, listen to the poem. Barry told The Collegiate that after several less-than-positive respons-

From Uranium, page 2.

questions about the intended research have begun to emerge. Call me crazy, but some weird shit has been going on lately, said Linda Jenkins 13. Like why is the football team suddenly training in Hayes and marching in regimented columns singing Kokosing Farewell? And I swear I saw some mutants the other day in Middle Ground. Probably townies, was the response from Schumacher in his office in Hayes. Schumacher, salting a dish of uranium-fried eggs, went on to widely dismiss allegations of abuse leveled at his department. Preposterous, really. And look at all the good this uranium has done for us. This class year alone has seen a 200% increase in physics majors. He gestured to two students painting a hollow, nine-foot wooden horse on wheels addressed to Denison. See, theyre both back there. Other departments remain strongly in support of Schumacher and the physics faculty. The philosophical implications of uranium research are unimaginable, you know what I mean? said philosophy chair Joel Richeimer, the shriveled remains of his left arm erasing a map with purple arrows converging on the city of Granville. Want to see some radioactive bullets?

Health Center To Remain Closed On Weekends

Tells Students to Man Up And Deal With It
By Roy McKluskin HEALTH CENTER Last Thursday, the health center reminded students of its policy of remaining closed on weekends. The announcement followed several incidents involving students standing pathetically in front of the door at odd hours of the day and night, ringing the bell in a move nurse Kathleen Dosier calls totally pointless. No one is going to be there. I dont care if you have the rubella of the colon or whatever, I am not letting you in. This is because I will be sitting at home, preferably watching Matlock, while you look like a stupid loser, Dosier added. Sophomore Bethany Spark 13, encased in a cocoon of blankets, recounted her experience at the health center, as well as some episodes which, because they seemed to be the product of feverish hallucinations, will not be included here. I went to the health center at six oclock on Friday afternoon. I just knocked on the door until I got so dizzy I fell over. Now Im here. How did I get here? Who am I? Shane Olderson 11 found himself covered in a mysterious rash on Saturday morning. Its probably fine, said the senior, sweeping some skin flakes off the bench where he was

es, he began to wonder if he was being too forward. He altered his strategy to showcase his intellectual side rather than his sensual one. I mean, I like poetry, said Barry, so I figured Id try to connect with girls that way. (Barry then clarified that by poetry he actually meant Lewis Carrolls The Jabberwocky.) Barry spent the rest of the evening furrowing his brow and laughing when everyone else laughed while picturing the poetry readers naked. A Collegiate poll of

female attendees revealed that while 38% noticed that Barry nodded seriously and did not giggle at the word nipple, 0% reported any desire to sleep with him. When asked to comment on his overall experience of the event, Barry responded, I guess it was kind of a wash. Maybe Ill have better luck at Enthusiastic Consent. As of press time, Barrys luck has remained constant.

Barry at the Dirty Poetry reading.

From Pool Shark, page 1.

last fall, in which he dressed up like a county parson, approached his victim on the Kokosing Gap Trail and clubbed them over the head with a large rock before taking their wallet. Seniors will remember his Monied Philanthropist grift in the winter of 08: dressed to the nines, he would promise a sizable grant to an unsuspecting freshman on Middle Path, and as they signed their name, hed club them over the back of the head with a large rock and take their wallet. Campus Safety is working around the clock to bring McClann to justice, but until that time, Huxley urges students to keep their eyes on their wallets and their heads on a swivel.

sitting. I can always wait until Monday. Its probably my fault that I dont have friends who are willing to come close enough to a swollen, contagious monster such as myself to drive me to the doctor in Mt. Vernon. I know it seems like it would make sense to have the health center open at the time when most students were free to come in, Nurse Dosier said. But for one thing, we just dont have the supplies to support everyone. Like the free condoms people just think they can treat us like their own personal condom factory. I know that fat kid with the bad teeth isnt getting

any, but he thinks he can just grab fistfulsBesides, this way, those students who are proactive about deciding when to be ill will survive, while those who are more disorganized will rot away in their rooms. Dosier has proposed leaving morphine syringes and a bowl full of whiskey out for students so that they can dull their pain like the sissies they are, until 8:30 Monday morning. As of this writing, the health center is considering extending its Man up and Deal with it policy to weekdays as well.

Dosier laying down the law.

Retractions
Last week, The Collegiate reported that we really had something together. Apparently, though, you thought otherwise. We apologize for the error. Additionally, The Collegiate may have left a couple of personal effects, socks and that kind of thing, in the bottom drawer of your dresser. Could we get an ETA on those?

k enyon.collegiate@g m a i l . c o m

By Diesel Jackson

Friday Caf Lures Customers with New Turkish Bath Service

leftovers. KC: Then what? Klein: When our Provencal onion quiche shit the bed this last week, we knew something was wrong. It seemed that after 31 years we were losing some of our pizazz. Turgeon (sneering): No more. Klein: Indeed. Whats wonderful is that this new addition to our business model seemed like such a natural choice. I mean, what does everyone love? Turgeon: Turkish bath. Klein: Bingo! Right you are, Peggy. Everyone likes a Turkish bath.

From Milks, page 2.

the board ever approved funding for these creeps. But Caplan and her cohorts claim that even harsh criticism only steels the groups resolve for their mission. Certainly, a great deal of effort goes into providing an accurate Milks experience. For this weekend, club members divided into committees to create period-accurate costumes, simulate the right beverages, and perfect the language of the times. Freshman Corey Hurston 14 even learned to play the iPod mini, a crude ancient instrument similar to todays MacBook Pro, just in time for the weekend. Even though this weekend was a success, says Hurston, were not resting on our laurels. The Milk Cartons era is an important part of our history, but its still one with which the younger generation just isnt familiar. For instance, I heard a girl last weekend telling a story about how the DJ at Milks 10 once passed out and his iPod looped I Gotta Feeling for three straight hours. After this weekend, she can tell her friends the truth: it was actually Boom Boom Pow. Thats what were working for.

HARCOURT PARISH HOUSE To combat the steady decline in clientele and income that marked the first weeks of the semester, the two masterminds behind Friday Caf came together to formulate a new business model. Joyce Klein and Peggy Turgeon, founders and leaders of the weekly lunch service at the Harcourt Parish House, came up with an inventive way out of their business doldrums: a full-service Turkish bath. The Collegiate sat down with the two innovative local chefs to discuss the Cafe and its revitalized look Kenyon Collegiate: Your new approach has caused quite a stir. What was the inspiration for all the changes? Klein: We needed to attract customers. Plain and simple. Turgeon: Right. You see, we tried to get the students and locals excited the first week with our tried-and-true three-cheese focaccia. We hoped to set the tone for the semester, but only a handful of people showed up. Naturally, we were perplexed. So, the next week, we said, To hell with these subtle tactics, and hit the masses with Mexican corn cakes! Klein: No dice! Turgeon: No dice, indeed. The next week we did a frittata with plum cake for dessert. Plum cake. Didnt attract a soul. I still eat those plum cakes as

Bingo! Right you are, Peggy. Everyone likes a Turkish bath . . . And they are going to love ours.
Turgeon: And they love ours. Both: Were going to make you cleaner than fuck. KC: Wow. Turgeon: Oh yes. Well, knowing nothing about Turkish baths, we started surfing the Internet for more information. After some time we gathered that water, towels, massages, and very hot rooms were somehow involved. Klein: And you only need bricks to build a house. With their modest research, the two got to work immediately. During the last two weeks the ladies built

a sauna into the second floor of the Parish House and by last Friday the Episcopal-Turkish Bath was in business. I was psyched for the new Turkish bath on campus, said Briana Ferguson 12. I went on this trip to Turkey with my family last summer and loved the one we went to. But I think it messed with my expectations, you know? It just wasnt at all the same. According to Ferguson, the patrons were ordered to strip naked and sit in a large community sauna set to nearly 210 Fahrenheit while Turgeon ordered Friday Cafs resident and student workers to throw ice-cold water at them in short intervals. I felt like I was being punished, said Ferguson. Meanwhile, Klein was in the kitchen alone, cooking, serving, and washing dishes. According to eyewitness reports, one of the ovens began hissing black smoke from a quiche Klein had forgotten while scrambling to accommodate all the dining patrons. Oh boo hoo! a sweating Klein was heard yelling at the patrons while whisking a bowl of eggs. Im like a single mother over here! KC: So, ladies, do you think this new enterprise found success? Both (shaking heads): Hmm... Klein: Well. Yeah, it wasnt received well. Turgeon: We may just advertise on Facebook, instead.

From Ugliness, page 1.

air, and know I did this, that there is no one as powerful as I. A red cardinal landed on Edgewicks shoulder for no longer than a second and flew towards the Church of the Holy Spirit. Majestic creatures, arent they? he said.

By Esteban Sinclaire

Laidback Sophomore Totally Down to Earth, Fuck

address the college after failing to seal the deal with four different girls in nearly two weeks. Though Fringinghams long-standing casual and carefree hookup policy has been in effect since fall of his freshman year, Tuesdays speech set a new precedent for the amount of balls-to-the-wall humping Fringingham expects out of each random sexual encounter this year.

CollegIaTe sTaff
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CAPLES Speaking from his pretty chill suite in Caples, Lucas Fringingham 13 announced Tuesday that not only was he one of the most down-toearth guys at Kenyon, but also one of the most down-to-fuck. In a speech before a special assembly of freshman girls, Fringingham said that his well-worn Toms and seemingly genuine interest in locally grown food have unfortunately led many girls to believe Fringingham is nothing but a sweet, unassuming dude. Ladies of Kenyon, I may exude a nonchalant, almost unflappable cool, but underneath these earth-toned clothes lies a man whos just trying to bust a nut, Fringingham said between bites of granola he mixed himself. And Im not talking about those pecans PEAS just shipped in from Youngstown. Reports speculate that the Kenyon Outdoors Club co-leader decided to
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Underneath these earthtoned clothes lies a man whos just trying to bust a nut, Fringingham said.
There seems to be some confusion among the female populace here at Kenyon, Fringingham said thoughtfully after softly flipping his shaggy hair to the side. When these pants come off, its not just because hemp doesnt breath well. It means Im about to lay some serious pipe. Tuesdays speech also came on

the heels of an embarrassing weekend for Fringingham and his newest love interest, Karen Cassanders 14. Cassanders reportedly accompanied Fringingham back to his suite under the impression that the two were going to partake in recreational drugs. Cassanders was reportedly surprised when Fringingham lit some incense and disrobed. Listen, when I ask if you want to come back to my room to smoke, Im not talking about my weed Im talking about my pole, Fringingham said. Hopefully this terrible misunderstanding wont happen again. Fringingham claims that despite his Toyota Prius and growing affinity for the ukulele, deep down he only wants to plow as many chicks in as many positions as he possibly can. Yeah, when I stop to talk to you on Middle Path, I do want to hear about your anth test, Fringingham said while absentmindedly rubbing the beads of his hemp necklace. But I also want to pork you. Hard.