Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 10

february 23, 2011

Rebelution Booked For Sendoff By Bewildered, Milk-Bloated Infants

By Clams Casino and Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER According to anonymous sources, a group of money-toting babies has booked reggae group Rebelution for Sendoff, Kenyons biggest party of the year. Gaa gaa, goo goo, ga gaa. Ooooh! Ooooh oooh! remarked the baby representative, concerning their process of selecting the band for Sendoff. I think hes trying to say that they didnt consult any students or campus

ConstructionNorth Campus Apartments In 2 Days 6 Months Workers Push Shit Around For Then Assemble
By Barker D. Flugelhorn GAMBIER After six months of intensive shitpile-moving, construction workers finalized the completion of several of the new North Campu s Apartments in a little over forty-eight hours this past Monday. What people dont realize, said construction foreman Vincent Malone, is that the true challenge of building a residence is not the construction of the house itself, but rather answering the question, How can we move this big pile of shit over to combine with that big pile of shit using as many tractors as possible? How many tractors is too many tractors for moving shit around? Should we import more shit to push, or is the shit we have right now good enough? These are the questions that keep us up at night.
t he kenyon collegiat e

music organizations when they came to the decision to bring the least interesting or popular band in existence to campus, said Dean of Academic Affairs Anne Dadino. Of course, because they have no concept of budgeting, popular opinion, or current musical trends, its understandable. As with such well-attended events as ginger bread decorating, a trip to Magic Mountain, and bingo, the toddlers convened to decide which musical group to hire for Sendoff.

California reggae outfit Rebelution.

Arrrrrrrreeewoooo? Oooo? Aggga gggagg? Bluhgg, explained the baby representative as a trickle of Gerber carrots dribbled down his face. Rebelution is a reggae group that hails from the affluent suburb of Isla Vista in Santa Barbara and are known for their songs Suffering, R Way, and a cover of Bob Marleys Natural Mystic. Many students are pleased with the babies selection. Its all about the

struggle, said Thompson Prouty 12 of New Canaan, Connecticut. Like when I go to Peirce at two on a Saturday hoping to grab a sandwich and its closed? The struggle. I relate. The babies were able to snag the innovative band thanks to their plentiful resources. According to sources close to the porcine self-selecting infants, Theyre very well-fed. In

The infants responsible for the decision.

Continued on page 4.

InsIde ThIs Issue

Guy In Bathroom Stall Talking On Cell Phone

Construction on the new housing began at the beginning of the fall semester, and was broken down into two distinct stages. Stage one, an intensive sixmonth process, consisted of pushing small piles of shit into each other to make bigger piles of shit, sometimes across distances as great as fifty feet. Once these mega-shitpiles were formed, workers focused their efforts on splitting the newly-made large piles of shit back into their

Malone explains the construction process.

constituent small piles of shit. From there, the small shitpiles were flattened, and the whole process started all over again. It was hard work, but I think that we pushed that shit around like nobodys business, said Larry Bucknel, a unionized shit-pusher and Gambier native. We must have pushed this shit around the whole construction plot maybe 6000 times. And our quota was 4000, so were all very pleased. Stage two of the construction is what the workers jokingly refer to as childs play. It takes approximately two days, and consists of everything else involved in building a residence, including laying the foundation; assembling the walls, ceilings, windows, doors, and general structure; and installing heating, electricity,

Phling 2012 Theme Announced: Burger Blowout Cornel West Teaches Kenyon Its Okay To Love Antigone Cast Weaves Commemorative Tapestry From Shaved Beards
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Continued on page 4.

Honeybuckets Guide To Fancy Feastin

By Luther Honeybucket

Thats My Fucking Spot! Claims Irate Sophomore

By Ichabod Townley OLIN LIBRARY Today at 1:00 p.m., Arnold Climpt 13 reported that he was prepared to bust ass to complete his metric shit-ton of work. Climpt proceeded to the third floor of the library, seeking out his favorite study spot. The spot in question, according to Climpt, is one of Olins best-kept secrets. Amid the hellish, oppressively beige labyrinth that is Olin Library, Climpt said, there is a hidden grotto, a promised land of milk, honey and multiple electrical outlets. Climpt refused to disclose the location of his secret garden, but described its two overstuffed armchairs, which can be pulled together to form a sort of personal enclosed chaise lounge. Studying there reminds me of my days in the womb, said Climpt. So tranquil. However, Climpts dreams of studying in sublime comfort were shattered as he approached the coveted corner and discovered that an unknown student had abandoned a backpack, several notebooks and a laptop in his favorite spot. I was beyond outraged, said Climpt, shaking with impotent fury. To think that someone had discovered the greatest study spot in the history of learning, and then had the nerve to leave their crap there? To deny another human soul its scratchy embrace? I was ready to take a shit on that laptop right then and there.

Whats that I hear? The chirpy-lurpy of the Spring Hornet? That must mean its high time for Ol Luther Honeybucket to throw off his mud cap and moss blanket and quit his hibernatin. Cant hardly believe twere a full sack o fortnights ago I dipped my noggin in the Kokosing til it got so soggy I fell plum asleep. And after a toe-grab o noontides jigging with my dream-pals Opossum and Ammonium, my ribby-bones are a-peakin and my gut-critters a-growlin for feed! Now if youre a-wonderin how to plumpify your belly-lump, shut that toothy lice trap you call a lippy slit and ear up to these word-nuggets: 1. When that hog-mama Neptunes spoonin the breast-milk of the Big Dipper, you know the Lady Skunks

be ripe for stewin. But they aint gonna stew emselves! Best way to round em up is to make yerself as smelly as a chipmunks mating pile. Rub your ball pouch with coon dung and muskrat menses till its near to crawlin right back up yer butt hole. Youll have those lady skunks droolin so much they wont know what hit them! Itll be yer club! 2. Once yeve got yourself a Lady Skunk, resist your pecker pangs and skin them girls clean. Mix em in a pot with slug sludge, daffodils and a nostrils worth of black mold. Stir it over a flame til yer eyes is covered in gray bogey-skin. Peel it off and mix it in! Mmmm, my spittle-collectors going haywire just jawing about it! 3. Now that the fat crust is crackling, here comes the hardest part: keepin that gourd-humpin lamb-scoopin Bo Hunkiss and his kettle of cats from chomping yer vittles! The best way to stop those thieving whiskermugs is to bury yer stew underground for a full year! When you pull it out, it wont be hot, but gosh burn it, itll be safe! Come to reckon of it, last years batch is prime for excavatin now! Well, all this scribings making me a mite dizzy. Is gonna go grab my shovel and eat til Easter! As my MeeMaw used to say, Bone a Teat!

Studying there reminds me of my days in the womb.

Climpt sat down at a nearby table to observe the spot and wait for an opportunity to reclaim it. The mysterious occupant, later identified as Charlotte Grope 12, appeared at 2:32 p.m. She sat down with a cup of Peirce coffee, turned on her computer, checked Facebook for fifteen minutes, got up, left, and didnt take her shit with her! Climpt reported. I was in agony! But Im not giving up. The encounter has only strengthened my resolve. I have seen the face of the enemy, and it wears glasses. Grope recently returned to the spot to take a nap and could not be woken up to comment.

Gong Thief Strikes Again

By Billy Hughes BEMIS MUSIC ROOM Students in the Indonesian Gamelan Ensemble arrived in Bemis Music Room on Friday to find that their remaining gong had been stolen. The groups first gong became well-known on campus after it was taken during a midnight raid on Peirce Hall last October. Campus Safety and the music department conducted a rigorous investigation via sporadic e-mails, but they were ultimately unsuccessful. Last time around we tried to guilt the gong out of the burglar, but this time were going all out, reported James Herseth, a member of Campus Safety. I can tell you, whoever they are, theyre using some pretty sophisticated gong-acquisition technology. According to Herseth, the thief had no trouble entering the building. We found a slew of unused equipment on the floor, Herseth elaborated, ropes, harnesses, night-vision goggles, and a glass cutter. Of course, since this was a typical Kenyon building, it turns out the thief was able to simply walk into the room through the open door, open the unlocked

cabinet, and abscond with the gong. Security also confirmed that a note was taped to the empty cabinet in scrawled handwriting, reading, ME : Two Gongs. YOU: None. What kind of soulless creature would do something like this to us, not once but twice? commented Professor of Music Jack Spray. I dont understand how this could have happened again. We tried everything short of consistently locking the door after they took the last gong. Spray also received a cryptic letter from the assailant, taunting, Never again will you hear the glorious ring of the gong. I am one step closer to controlling all the gongs in Knox County. I laugh at you and your attempts to foil me. Everyone is on high alert right now, said Herseth. Wed talked about hanging one of those do not enter ropes over the stairwell in Peirce last time this happened, and I think were going to have to go ahead and do that now. I cant believe this is what its come to. Herseth added that he had typed up an e-mail asking the thief to turn him or herself in, but he had yet to send it.

Greek Yogurt Offered In Peirce Girls Eat Lots Of Greek Yogurt

By Dash Riprock PEIRCE HALL AVIs recent addition of Greek-strain yogurt to the fruit bar menu has been met with unparalleled enthusiasm by a significant portion of the student body. I cant even believe it, said Joanna Grouse 13. I mean, I was perfectly content with the regular yogurt. To think! What a child I was! Id sooner cut off my left thumb than eat that scurf now! AVI staffers have noted a distinct trend amongst students eating the dish. Its pretty much all ladies, reported employee Ray Huts. My theory is its some kinda vitamin deficiency thing. Like its good for their ovaries. Or glands. Usually its

the glands. Emotions around the yogurt area have been known to run high. Ive never seen girls so crazy for any one food, said Huts. Its like magic. Someones gotta harness this power. If the science department doesnt get on this, you can bet Im gonna. Female students have been reported to stampede, shove, even riot when yogurt levels have gotten low. I know it sounds crazy, but I think this yogurt actually makes me a better person, said Grouse. Im smarter, prettier, and dont even get me started on my digestive activity! Its out of this world! When asked to comment on the phenomenon, the entire male student body replied with confusion.

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recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g

Entertainment
By Diesel Jackson

Despite Setbacks, Two Drink Minimum Posters A Success Brave Potato One-Acts Probably A Smashing Success
shapes, and sizes (one unlit). A smiling African baby. Seemingly unrelated and, indeed, un-funny pictures take root in your brain and, like a silent and slow-moving cancer, emerge later to infect your body with humor. That the pictures make no sense seems to strike you always at your most vulnerable, leaving you speechless, though not un-convulsing with laughter. By Charles Mosser

In recognizing the heritage of our craft, The Collegiate continues its review of the historical pieces, performances, and particular je ne sais quoi that have left their mark on the canon of world comedy. In this installment of our ongoing series, we reflect back on the postmodern genius offered by the posters for Kenyons stand-up comedy group Two Drink Minimum. A popular debate in the world of comedy is a classic chicken-and-egg feud involving TDM and postmodern comedy. Which came first? In our opinion, it doesnt quite matter. To say that TDM has left its mark on contemporary comedy is to say that Moby Dick annoyed Ahab. Indeed, the largely obscure stand-up comedy troupe has been pushing the limits of comedy ever since its conception, and the posters pinned up across Kenyons campus advertising their shows were their first way of reaching out. As comedy continues to become more irony and meta-centered, TDMs posters can always be found at the front lines. An elephant blowing water onto a woman. A yellowfin tuna. Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Three lamps of varying colors,

Put me on stage and I can work with that for days!

Literally, absurd, says Robin Williams of the posters. A picture of a math exam with a circled F at the top. Put me on a stage and I can work with that for days! Inspired, added Jackie Chan high praise considering that critics largely agree that TDMs posters have now passed Shanghai Noon on the list for the worlds funniest comedy pieces. Chris Rock was not available for comment at press time; however, sources report that when Rock passed a TDM poster taped to the front door of a Brooklyn Starbucks he stopped, nodded, and firmly grabbed his crotch before moving on.

usually occurs at least once during a play. I bet the directors made some interesting choices, and despite some inevitable flaws, I am fairly certain the show was a success. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the Brave Potato One-Act Festival on either of the evenings it was presented on Friday, I got caught up in a pretty heated Foosball game, and Saturday I was baking snickerdoodles in the Mather kitchen. Nevertheless, it is my duty as a journalist to provide the public with a critique of this show, so I will offer you my impressions anyway. According to Wikipedia, A one-

This past weekend, Brave Potato Productions presented an exciting and entertaining evening of one-act plays in the Black Box Theater. The five plays were funny and maybe a little sad in some parts. The performances were delightful and I am sure a few people played their roles especially well, bringing real depth to their characters. At one point, an actor probably did something that made the whole audience laugh. In a particularly exciting moment, an actor paused for emphasis, forcing the audience to really pay attention, a phenomenon that

An actor probably did something that made the whole audience laugh.
act play is a play that has only one act, as distinct from plays that occur over several acts. In a play, actors pretending to be people that they are not (characters) and say words (lines) to one another in front of an audience. These lines are writ-

Continued on page 4.

By Gunderson Threeply

Student Doesnt Understand Why Ben Folds Wont Stop Talking About Books

ROSSE HALL Last Wednesday, much of the student body crowded into Rosse Hall with the expressed intent of seeing Jonathan Franzen speak about his fiction-writing experiences. However, one student, with blatant disregard for all the posters around campus announcing An Evening With Jonathan Franzen, came to Rosse for a decidedly different reason: to see nerd-rock icon Ben Folds. An excited Nanette Bergman 14 told Collegiate reporters last week that she was super stoked that Ben Folds was coming to campus. She said, I just dont understand why hes coming to town under an assumed name, though it was on the posters, like James Franco or something. Whatever. I just hope he plays Rockin the Suburbs! Chelsea Hughes 14, her roommate, was one of the many people who attempted to explain to Bergman that Folds and Franzen were not, in fact, the same person. I left a copy of The Corrections on her bed for literally, like, a week,
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

Hughes explained. I pretty much did nothing but gush about how awesome Jonathan Franzen was for days on end, just to see if shed make any sort of connection.

Whatever. I just hope he plays Rockin the Suburbs !

Lee Reynolds 12 sat next to Bergman at the event, and said,

She just wouldnt shut up about how much she loved Ben Folds. I finally asked her why she thought it was so goddamn important that I know this fact over and over again, and she looked at me like Id started chanting Cantonese and spitting Reichsmarks. Bergman corroborated the story, stating, this totally clueless guy asks me why Im talking about Ben Folds so much, and Im like Hel-lo, thats who were here to see? and then hes all, No, were here to see

An honest mistake.

Jonston Frazetta or whatever, and Im like could you be any more clueless? I mean, seriously! As the night wore on, Bergmans excitement waned. So Ben Folds gets up to the podium, and he just starts talking. And I figured that maybe this was just an introduction, like hes going to talk about why he wrote Brick or covered Bitches Aint Shit, but he doesnt. He just talks. For like an hour. About books. It was so boring! During the Q&A session, Bergman reportedly asked Franzen why he decided to do a non-musical tour, and during the signing she demanded that he sign her copy of Songs for Silverman. Franzen attempted to explain that he didnt know what she was talking about, but Bergman stormed off the stage before any explanation could be given. Overall, it was probably the worst concert Ive been to in a long time, Bergman said after the event. But I should have known: those performing types are always jerks, walking around with their heads up their asses without any regard for their fans.
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From One-Acts, page 3.

ten by a playwright, according to my roommate, who took baby drama with bona-fide playwright Wendy MacLeod freshman year. A director, another important component of the theatrical milieu, tells the actors where to stand and how to say the lines. Plays are like movies, but they are acted out live in front of you, and your friends are the actors instead of celebrities. As a result, plays are usually more boring than movies. On Saturday, I watched The Departed again, which is a very good film I hadnt seen in a long time. I forgot how good it is. Since there are no movie versions of these one-acts (I checked Kenster and Netflix), I will have to use my imagination. I am looking at the advertising poster for this show (the one that was in all the Newscopes last week) and because it has pictures, I feel like I can get a pretty good idea of what each play was about. Saint Francis Preaches to the Birds appears to be a comedy, because it features someone in make-up and a frilly collar and a pointy fake nose, but the person looks kind of worried, so maybe it was a serious drama. The Actors Nightmare was probably about another worried guy, which I guess makes sense, because it has the word nightmare in the title. Light featured a concernedlooking girl who I think Ive seen in Peirce before. In the picture, she seems to be thinking about something. You can tell she is a good actor by the way she has her hands clasped and her eyes a little squinty. In my opinion, East Coast Ode to Howard Jarvis was the most confusing of all the plays presented. I do not know who Howard Jarvis is, but that may not even be relevant, because the play was actually about a girl. At least, I think its a girl in the picture, but she has short hair, so maybe she is supposed to be a man. Plays sometimes make girls play boys, except in Shakespeares time, when guys played the women too. Weird. Anyway, the girl/guy has her mouth open and is leaning on a table, so she/he is most likely arguing. Finally, Pete and Joe at the Dew Drop Inn was a very relatable play, because it featured a pun, beer, and gazing up wonderingly into the heavens, three things that Kenyon students enjoy. Overall, I bet the Brave Potato One-Acts were kind of like all Kenyon productions: well attended by the friends of those in the cast, and way more entertaining if youre drunk or high. The Departed is excellent no matter what.
C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

Privileged Students Flee To North Campus Suburbs

By Pumpy Calico GAMBIER Sources indicate that many students fear that the competitive application process to live in the new apartments on the north side of campus, known as the North Campus Apartments, will create an even further divide between north and south campus. According to Geoff Rist 12, the process works to break down the sacred bonds of human brotherhood. North and south, east and west, were all people, man. One love. Aiden Tuft 12 however, disagrees. I think Im going to love living in the NCAs, he said. Ill finally be among students of my kind. And its still close enough to the rollicking downtown area without being too close to those unsightly south campus dorms with their rap music and such. Liza Swift 12, who will be living in the model apartment, sees her preferential situation as a result of hard work. I busted my ass for these grades, and I dont deserve to be forced into the housing lottery with those bros from south campus and their judiciary infractions, Swift said. Why dont they just try

harder? Why dont they just get a job? Several CAs have also expressed a strong preference for north campus housing. Gina French 12 described south campus as seeming violent and kind of dangerous. Ive heard that on weekends south campusers run through the halls and tear down wall decorations. I would never want to be a south CA. Its not that I dont want to help them. I just fear for my safety. The Office of Housing and Residential Life has recently pioneered a new program called CA for America, which places north campus CAs in south campus dorms for a monthlong period. Trent Yarbough 13, one of the programs participants,

said, The program was really enlightening. It opened my eyes to how the other half of campus lives. Did you know that on the south quad there is such a lack of order that CAs cant even enforce Quiet Hours? It just shocks you into realizing how much you take for granted. Housing and Residential Life is also considering a busing program which will bring students from the south quad north in golf carts to experience cultural activities such as drawing classes in Colburn. These kids need us, said Haley Durbin, Head of Housing and Residential Life. You dont know how bad it can get down there. Just wait until Sendoff.

Affluent Kenyon students in flight.

From Sendoff, page 1.

fact, most of the food on campus is directed towards their gaping, milkdripping mouths. At other universities, such important decisions are made by rational members of the student body rather than a group of babies. However, Kenyon takes pride in having the nations only all-baby event-planning organization. I was expecting something original and fresh, like Nickelback or Creed, but this totally exceeded my expectations, said Julie Nyswick 13. Theyve really outdone themselves. The baby representatives only further response was to burp loudly and grab wads of cash from the Office of the Registrar, stuffing them into his cherubic cheeks and gnawing them with his toothless gums.

From Workers, page 1.

plumbing, and ventilation. It wasnt too bad, said Bucknel. I mean, the hard part is really not in the building of the house itself. Im just glad we pushed enough shit around, or else wed be in some serious trouble. I can install central heating with my eyes closed, but you try flattening down a mid-tolarge pile of shit with just a backhoe thirty times in the same day. Thats the tough stuff. In the next six months even more North Campus Apartments will go up, and more shit will be pushed around than ever before, according to Vincent Malone. For this job, we had lots of high-tech equipment, but we also still had a lot of guys on manual shit duty: digging holes to make more shit, filling in old shit holes with new shit. Its an intensive, laborious process, and it really limited our ability to move shit around. Despite the difficulties of his task, Malone expressed great excitement over the prospect of the construction to come in future months. Shit-pushing technology is really entering its golden age right now, he explained. In a few months, well have shit-pushing bulldozers that can push a pile of shit the size of an RV for a mile and a half. Itll really be a blessing to be living in a time when we have the opportunity to move that kind of shit around.

CollegIaTe sTaff
Chad Kroeger . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside Tony Scalzo . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson Billy Corgan . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000 Scott Stapp . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams Chad Urmston . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly Adam Levine . . . . . . . Granny Hayes Patrick Monahan . . . Esteban Sinclaire Daniel Powter . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller Marc Roberge . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz Steve Harwell . . Beauregard Beauregard Danny Carey . . . . . . . . Clams Casino Brandon Boyd . . . . . Roy McKluskin Dan Wilson . . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki Fred Durst . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis Jacoby Shaddix . . . Gunderson Threeply Bradley Nowell . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe Christopher Robinson . . . Elgin Marbles Adam Duritz . . . . Barker D. Fluglehorn Brad Arnold . . . . . Ming Shei Huarez Aaron Lewis . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico Sonny Sandoval . . . . . . Billy Hughes Amy Lee . . . . . . . . . Dash Riprock Adam Duritz . . . . Ichabod Townley Consultant . . . . . . . . Carson Daly Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

Retractions
Last week, we reported that the reading was chapter six. In fact, the reading was chapters seven through nine. We are sooo sorry, you guys. We were having a weird week.