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Vol. 3, issue 13

aPril 13, 2011

New Sidewalk Installed In Front of Walking Trustee

By Charlie Adams GAMBIER Following a lavish dedication ceremony, construction workers broke ground last Friday on a new sidewalk in front of Kenyon trustee Carlos Matthews 73. The four-foot-wide concrete walk will connect wherever Matthews currently is with wherever he decides to go as he walks around the campus, ensuring a dry, clear passage year-round for the Leadership-level donor. Work on the project will to continue throughout April. Were very proud of this new project, announced College President S. Georgia Nugent in an e-mail sent to the student body. Sure, in the past weve sometimes rushed into projects without fully considering them. But we learned a lot from those mistakes. Thats why, this time, we sat down with the community to discuss exactly what they want. And the resounding answer was, We want Mr. Matthews shoes to stay clean.

InsIde ThIs Issue

Homework Put Off Until Cookie Eaten

2011 Housing Lottery Numbers The Worst Yet Peirce To Designate Veggie Danger Zone
By Clifford Seldom GAMBIER The 2011 housing assignment process, which began last Wednesday, offered the worst lottery numbers of any year in recent memory, students report. Ive just never seen anything like it, said Residential Life Coordinator Steve Engell. Every year we have our bad apples 300th in the grade, second-to-last male overall but this year was different. And different it was. According to widely circulated statistics, Kenyon saw its lowest set of lottery numbers ever, with almost fifty percent of the numbers considered well below average. One Housing and Residential Life insider who declined to speak on the record nevertheless admitted that certain students had been assigned numbers as low as 843, while very few were allowed picks higher than twelfth. As news of the terrible numbers broke, many students expressed disappointment in the college. Ive heard of this at big state schools, but thats why I chose Kenyon, said sophomore James Sanchez, who was assigned number 470. If its supBy Ichabod Townley PEIRCE Earlier this week, AVI employees roped off the newly designated Veggie Danger Zone on the west side of the servery in reaction to the troubling number of vegetables disappearing from the area. Situated between the Comfort and International stations, the Danger Zone has claimed over 2,000 pounds of raw vegetables this year. This ghastly statistic has earned it the name The Bermuda Triangle of Vegetables among the kitchen staff. AVI workers hope the new signage and barricades will prevent vegetables from falling helplessly into the Danger Zone. Its eerie, AVI staff member Mitchell Leblanc commented, seeing all those vegetables vanish like that. I tell you what, if I were a vegetable, I wouldnt come around here. Leblancs expression turned grave. Its not safe here for vegetables.

The sidewalk is among the colleges most ambitious undertakings to date, combining sophisticated technology with highly skilled laborers. As Matthews strolls through Gambier, the construction team will accompany him, clearing and pouring lengths of concrete sidewalk beneath his feet. If the respected trustee happens to turn or double back say, to visit the site of a first kiss or a favorite class contrac-

A Kenyon construction team labors to ease Matthewss passage.

tors planning in real time will redirect construction to assist him. But despite such innovative techniques, the new plan has been met with fierce criticism. Has anyone actually looked at the artists renderings? wrote allstu dissident Jamie Anders 11. They just show a white sidewalk

Open Mic Promises, Delivers Dreamy Boys With Guitars Junior Already Worried About Comps Take Back The Night Settles For Afternoon

Continued on page 2.

Students were assigned numbers as low as 843, while very few were allowed picks higher than twelfth.
posed to be a small community, then how do you explain these horrible lottery numbers? Different ideas have been proposed to avoid bad numbers in the coming years. One faculty member has suggested a number-sharing system, where two students can use the same number to cut down on waste. Another proposal calls for half-numbers like 311.5, which some have suggested could reduce the total volume of numbers by up to fifty percent.

Continued on page 2.

The crisis has been cause for alarm for ECO representative Garratt Gable 11. The sheer volume of vegetables disappearing from this particular area of the dining hall is truly disconcerting, said Gable. In these uncertain times we all have to be extremely conscientious about preserving our vegetable resources. Reports from the Danger Zone indicate that the average life expectancy of a vegetable is about three hours once caught inside, depending on the time of day and how the vegetable has been prepared. If youre a fried green bean and you wind up in the danger zone at the stroke of noon, you can kiss your delicious ass goodbye, remarked AVI employee Harvey Goodsmith. Ive seen it happen, and its horrifying. Those who have spent time in the Danger Zone say that a certain breed of students is behind the may-

Continued on page 2.
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Campus Socialites Flock to Katzby Galas

By Diesel Jackson SCOTT LANE The parties hosted by Geoff Katzby 11 hold no parallel, party-going students report, and this past weekend saw students flock to another of the popular weekly get-togethers. Hosted at Katzbys off-campus residence, the Perch, the galas attract a diverse and eager young crowd. Katzby, known for the size and grandeur of his parties, says he enjoys the company. The thing, old sport, he said, is that people enjoy themselves. I dont ask for much more. Oh, Katzbys parties are the greatest, reports Sophie Spritz 14. He always has the best music, the best booze. The thing is, I never really see him at his own parties. Actually, Im not sure Ive ever seen him. Though Katzby may seem selfless to his guests, neighbor Seth Farrow 11 suspects something deeper driving the parties. For as long as Ive lived downstairs here, hes been throwing huge stuff up there, remarked Farrow. Its the stuff of legends. But its the quieter nights that strike me. Once, coming back late from the library, I saw him standing in his window, facing south, reaching out with his arms. Passing Crozier, I noticed a faint green glow coming from an upstairs window. And then, when I looked back to the Perch, Katzby was gone. The gossip is that its his crush, reports Jenna Dougherty 12. I heard from a source he was in love with her once, and that he throws these ex-

From Sidewalk, page 1.

randomly crisscrossing south campus. People, this project could literally pave over any part of campus. Well be lucky if they only take Middle Path. These students hearts are in the right place, offered a bemused President Nugent in response, but, for all their youthful idealism, they just cant see the larger picture. Paving the ground beneath our trustees feet allows us to streamline campus maintenance. By attending directly to the needs of our donor community, we can keep the college stunning for our valued alumni without that beauty ever intruding into the lives of students. As the debate over his namesake project rages, though, Matthews himself has remained curiously quiet. In fact, the trustee has made no official appearances since the groundbreaking,capas even amid calls for his resignation. Matthews, who graduated Kenyon in May of 1973, was last sighted walking across Ransom Lawn, trying in vain to lie down on the grass.

travagant parties to attract her over. But he could just walk over there. I mean, their windows are like fifty feet away. Girls like a guy that makes the first move, continued Dougherty. Recent rumors of scandal regarding how Katzby came to live in the prized off-campus residence seem not to have deterred weekenders away from his home, though some remain suspicious of the circumstances of his housing and, it seems, of Katzby himself. I dont know about that cat, said Mike Nevill 12, pointing to a Persian variety crossing his path. But, also, that Katzby, I dont know about him. Word is that Katzby was supposed to move out, but right at the crucial moment the next renter just up and dropped out of Kenyon. Its shady stuff, and hes been living there ever since, apparently. He probably just

throws those parties to shut people up. Thats not it, said Farrow, dismissing the gossip. Its her hes after with these parties. Maybe he doesnt know any other way to do it. Because Katzby believes in that green light, in the orgiastic future that weekend by weekend recedes from us. It eluded us er, him then, but whatever. Tomorrow we will run harder, better, faster, stronger, stretch out our arms farther . . . Like Geoff, just stretch out our arms. And then, one fine Sunday morning well, you know . . . So we beat on, ships against the current, airplanes against the jet stream, entrepreneurial small businesses against the national economic recession, what have you, and will be borne back ceaseless into yesteryear. Besides, Farrow continued, I hear hes getting Rebelution to play live next weekend.

Katzby, solemnly appreciating his handiwork.

From Numbers, page 1.

Many different theories have arisen to explain the terrible spread of numbers. Justin Calder 12, an English major and the 121st male in his class, claims the problem is with the administration. Kenyon used to be different. When I was a freshman, people were regularly getting numbers like three and seventeen. But President Nugent has been really selling out to the trustees in the past year, and its just all becoming clear now. Others believe that more complex factors are at work. This is much bigger than Kenyon Housing, said Engell. Were talking about health care reform, global warming, people cant get jobs. It was a matter of time until it affected the lottery. However, not everyone is convinced that the school has a numbers problem, I mean, every year people are going to be disappointed, said senior Griffin Freidman. Sure, a number like 821 is pretty bad, but just think: it could have been 872. Count your blessings, people.

By Dash Riprock

Registrar Discovers Sporcle, Graduation Postponed Indefinitely

ter to another! Rage directed at students has increased noticeably. I asked if I had enough natural science credits to graduate, and the lady behind the counter told me that if I didnt leave or tell her the capital of Sri Lanka shed staple my hand to my face, reported Vince Pritchard 11. An inside source tells us that the registrars office isnt the only one on campus getting in on the fun. Were beating Reslife pretty soundly on Countries of the World, said Assistant Registrar Claudette Bilson, but theyve got us on Famous Bears and Cereal Mascots. While the two offices compete to outperform each other on web-based trivia quizzes, transcript orders have gone unfilled, class registration has been canceled, the housing lottery has become a do-it-yourself process, and graduation has been indefinitely postponed.

GAMBIER Last Wednesday, Becky Reinstein, Student Record Specialist in the Office of the Registrar, accidentally discovered the Internet quiz site sporcle.com. I was looking for a fun new desktop image on the Google, said Reinstein, but when I tried to type in Sparkle, I pinkied the wrong key and typed in Sporkle. Who even knew it was a word! It wasnt long before Reinsteins typo threw kerosene on the already rampant fires of procrastination raging in the walls of Edwards House. Now all the girls are getting in on the fun, commented Reinstein. Some of us havent done any work in days! Ive got a whole stack of green papers that need to be put in the green paper folder! Dont even get me started on the little pink papers I cant remember the last time I moved them from one coun-

From Veggie, page 1.

hem. Some of these kids, reported Goodsmith, its like they eat nothing but vegetables. Its monstrous. Self-proclaimed vegetable lover Chelsea Swopple 12 was unapologetic when confronted about her frequent visits to the Danger Zone in search of vegetables to feast upon. What am I supposed to do? she said defiantly. Eat cereal for three meals a day?
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Students are concerned the epidemic will rival the Neopets crisis of 01. Candace Wrigley 13 expressed her worry, saying, Rumor has it there are still members of the class of 01 on campus waiting for their transcripts.

Reinstein after finishing a weekly word ladder.

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Opinion

Just Try and Shock This Old Broad

By Karen Freedman, Cool Mom So Im thinkin, shock me? Theres just no way. Body paint? Seen it. Adult diapers on twentysomething-year-old boys? Old news. Gays? I fancied myself a dandy once . . . when I was on LSD and I thought his skin was made of silk. Either way, you cannot shock this old broad. I did wayyyy too many bong rips in college for that shit. So I tells Hope, Ill send my assless chaps to your P.O. Box. Between you and me I havent worn them since that night in college when I rode a horse onto South Quad after feeding it my shoe laces. I also say, While, Im at it, Ill send ya some booze. Her girlfriends could use it. They all like that baking for the womens shelter and shit. I spent forty-three nights in a womens prison upstate. Time of my life the girls in there gave me a tattoo on the small of my back that says slut. I was telling Hope, there, that when I come down to Gambier Ill take those frigid biddies to the Cove and show them a thing or two about partying. I could drink them under the table and Im thirty-seven years out of practice. Hell, I could shock my own mother by telling her that I still smoke two packs a day, even after I got that new esophagus. Ill tell ya what, if someone sees even one of Hopes tits before she graduates Ill be shocked. Perk those girls, baby and do Mama proud.

Youre Not Going Anywhere

By Mayhew Razorsnout IV

thought, Ill just take the North door. Wrong again, assface. What was waiting for you outside that door, only moments later? It was ME, your new worst nightmare. I am everywhere, all the time. You try to leave by the tire swing? Im there. The laundry room window? BAM: Im there. There is literally no escape. The sad fact is that I am smarter than you, faster than you, and have access to biblical levels of unrighteous glandular reek. You smell that? Thats the smell of power, my doomed little coeds.

So my little one, Hope [Freedman 14] calls me up on Friday and says, Hey, Ma theres this party tomorrow where Ive gotta dress like something that will shock ya, and then get this she says, I think Im gonna be a nun. I start laughing up a storm, just crackin up and I says to her, I was dressed in a habit when I gave birth to ya and that wasnt no Jesuss baby. I mean I was callin her Hope because I was hoping that she didnt come out addicted to crack. I tell ya, that girl got drunk off rum raisin ice cream at her third birthday and thats when I knew, for sure, she was my kid honestly, before that, I had no clue. Not a clue.

Okay, Mather. Its time we put all our cards out on the table. Youre not leaving that silverfish-infested Hellpit you call a residence hall anytime soon, and the reason is me. I am the rock, I am the hard place, and most importantly, I am a walking bag of weaponized stink. Ive got you trapped. You thought you could outsmart me, but now you see youve got another thing coming. You sauntered out the breezeway door this morning thinking, Hey, I really think todays gonna be my day, and then, oh what do you know, theres a badass skunk hanging out at the smokers table, his well-groomed coat still thick with the odor of last nights gas bomb. No big deal, you

The sad fact is that I am smarter than you, and have access to biblical levels of glandular reek.
And dont think you can appease me by leaving more half-full bags of Doritos in the breezeway trashcans. What am I, a raccoon? Cmon. Give me more credit than that. Im not doing this for a ransom. Im doing it for the power. The sheer thrill of watching your terrified little faces look down on me from the lounge windows as you eat the last bags of Gummi Fruit Snacks from the vending machines. Im like a divine emperor of old, and Im sorry to say that this malodorous Caesar is pointing his thumb downwards vis-a-vis your fate. Welcome to the lion pit, Mather residents. It is a smelly, smelly place.

Erica Dwent 13

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c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

The Boar Ban Is Necessary A Ban Wont Stop The Boars

By Paige Sackler The wild boars tend to crowd around the entrances to academic buildings and residences. The fact that students have to risk their lives By Aggie Harrison

Point/Counterpoint: The Wild Boar Ban

If you take pleasure in having a three-hundred-pound beast in your residence, thats fine, just dont subject me to the terror they unleash as they charge through campus.
every time they walk into their own homes is simply appalling. Keeping wild boars is a choice. No one is forcing students to buy upwards of fifty pounds of raw meat a week in order to keep a wild boar as a pet. The only thing that keeps people with their boars is the connection they feel. While it can be hard to give up a beloved pet, its not impossible. Keeping these dangerous beasts animals is a matter of ones own volition. I encourage my peers to give up these beasts now, before they are forcefully taken from them. Furthermore, Ohio should ban boars in a twenty-five-foot radius of buildings. No one should be forced to be around boars.

Im done walking through the clouds of dust churned up by hooves. Im done watching my friends get impaled by razor sharp tusks. Im done with wild boars. If you take pleasure in having a three-hundred-pound beast in your residence, thats fine, just dont subject me to the terror they unleash as they charge through campus. The fact that there are herds of feral pigs rampaging the streets of downtown Gambier is unacceptable. Every one of us has had to push our way through a pack of wild boars on their way to class, and we all know how inconvenient and terrifying it is.

Last week, members of Campus Senate proposed a plan to ban wild boars from campus. Students found consorting with wild boars will be subject to academic probation and the health center has offered its services to students who need counseling during the transition to a boar-less campus. Evidence overwhelmingly shows that wild boars are extremely dangerous. Those whove had pet boars in the past and those who havent can agree that a wild boar will rip a man apart with their tusks when they get their first chance.

The fact is, no matter what Campus Senate decides, there will always be wild boars at Kenyon. Not only would a ban be impossible to enforce, but the removal of the boars might also seriously endanger those involved. Furthermore, an all-out ban on wild boars is not the only way to combat the problem. Other colleges around the country have recently implemented similar bans. However, due to the fact that Kenyons campus is so spread out, the time and resources it would take to effectively capture, bag, and remove the boars is simply impractical. Moreover, there is no concrete evidence that these boar bans actually reduce the number of maulings on any campus. If a wild boar wants to rip someones face off with its teeth, nothing is going to stop it. As someone who personally fears feral pigs, I have never had an issue telling people Im uncomfortable hanging out with them when theres a boar in the room. Instead of banning boars altogether, Campus Senate should delineate certain boar-free zones, and provide students with information on how to protect themselves during the event of a boar attack.

Sunday Underutilized
By Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER Underutilization became a pandemic Sunday as Kenyon students and faculty struggled to meet their completely reasonable, easily achievable goals. I had a twenty-page paper due Monday, but lying in bed felt satisfyingly womb-like, commented Shelly McAdams 11, who didnt put clothes on until dinner. It wasnt until two that I decided to get up and sit naked in my plastic desk chair. After a while the sweat on my back formed a pretty uncomfortable seal with the chair, but I was having a great time playing phone games, so it didnt really matter. The pandemic was not limited to students: even normally disciplined faculty found themselves unable to fully utilize Sundays abundant free time. I was going to grade a paper or two today, and maybe work on a crossword puzzle and take the dog out, said Todd Carlisle, professor of English. But I was watching the birds in my feeder, and it was like they were saying, Free
t he kenyon collegiat e

By Pumpy Calico

Guy Turns On Lights In Ascension, Is Praised As Deity

yourself! So I think Im going to eat Cheetos and watch The Merchant of Venice. Also, that damn dog can just go ahead and pee on the rug again. I dont give a shit. In Mather, Kevin Bloom 12 considered applying for summer jobs, but decided to masturbate instead. Third time today, he explained. Im starting to feel really guilty and sore, but something drives me on. I also have to pee, which has been building up for the last few hours, and take a shower, so Im not sure how much time Ill have to get around to applications. I would say I was trying to stick it to the unpaid-internship establishment, but Im really just sitting around masturbating. However, not everyone let Sunday go to waste. Dan Falby 11 went to the KAC, helped out at a homeless shelter, ate five apples, and even cleaned his whole apartment. It was exhilarating, commented the senior. I really felt like I did something today. Now I just have to write my senior thesis for tomorrow.

ASCENSION At approximately 6:00 p.m. last night, a mass of students huddled around the windows in third floor Ascension, trying to read by the dwindling sunlight. Priscilla Turnip 13 was trying to complete a long reading assignment for the next day. I had been reading all day, she said, just hoping I could get through the last few chapters of Ulysses for tomorrow. But the sun just kept getting lower in the sky. The situation seemed hopeless. Rupert Snell 12 was in a similar predicament. I was trying to get a physics problem set done before sundown, but it wasnt looking good, he said. And I was thinking, If only there were some way to create light through an artificial source. We could be like gods! As the sun set, several male students began beating their breasts in frustration. Others began pulling their hair and gnashing their teeth. Then, Allen Tickens 13 strode confidently over to the wall and turned on the lights. I was shocked, reported Fanny

Rex 11. All my years at Kenyon, and Id never seen anyone do that. What chutzpah! I thought only maintenance workers had the power to flip light switches. Students gazed at Tickens in awe, and confused murmurs broke out around the room. An unknown student allegedly yelled, He hath given us the gift of light! Then, a group of students ran over to Tickens and began prostrating themselves at his feet. According to Tickens, students have since started following him around campus, asking him to take them on as disciples. One of these students, Sara Rostroe 12, explained, He created light where there was none. He took chaos and molded it into order. There is much he can teach us. Other students, however, have reacted with skepticism. Maybe this isnt a power were meant to have, said Jason Welter 14. Maybe theres something noble about recognizing our limits, about understanding that we shouldnt try to recreate the Kingdom of God here on Earth. Plus, now I have no excuse not to do my econ homework. Balls.
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Victim of Robbery News From the Village Market: Were Selling Food for Money Sends Passionate Allstu; Campus Thief Moved to Retirement
By Market Guy By Jean Shortz AN UNDERGROUND LAIR This past Wednesday, after reading a brave and passionately honest allstu, an illustrious campus thief emerged from under his gigantic pile of plunder to right his wrongs. When asked why he chose now to turn himself in, after spending years terrorizing Kenyons campus with his ruthless pilfering of jackets, water bottles, K-Cards, Blackberrys, and Macbook chargers, the thief responded, I guess I never really got it till I saw that allstu. That one powerful allstu that put it all into perspective. The allstu, written by sophomore Anna Genet, entitled seriously???, describes Genets hurt and disappointment at the robbery of her old tennis shoes, sweatshirt, one pink argyle sock, and iPhone all items that went missing over the past two weeks. Genet said in her allstu, i get that you are embarrassed that your weak moral character has caused you to make such a spineless decision. at the very least, give me back my phone. i need it. TO MAKE CALLS [sic]. She needs her phone to make calls. I didnt even think about that, said the thief. Im just so selfish. He hung his head and cried. The thief took full responsibility for his corrupt actions, and his only defense was that no one ever stopped to spell it out for me, but when Anna closed her email with, WHOEVER GANKED MY SHIT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE GIVE IT BACK OR I WILL LOSE FAITH IN HUMANKIND, I realized that shes right: I do know who I am. A lowdown, no good, yellow-bellied coward. And I see that now. The thief, after turning himself in to Campus Safety and Security, returned all of the belongings in his hideout to their rightful owners, including seventy-three Patagonia fleeces, hundreds of credit cards, twenty library carrel keys, and much more. Initially, I was planning on returning just Annas belongings, said the thief. However, that would have been the action of an unchanged man a guilty man. But I am more than a guilty man. Anna Genet has held a mirror up to me and shown me the error of my ways. I am a man marred by his own deviant actions, and now, thanks to Annas courage, I am a changed man. Hey there, everybody. Market Guy here, with the latest news from your very own Village Market. Weve got some great deals for you this week! Check out our Gala apples, only $1 a pound. You just cant find that sort of value anywhere else. And for you late night snackers: two market dogs for the price of one! Our market dogs are made from only the finest quality beef from local farms. We guarantee it! Now, some of you out there have said youre confused by our seemingly random use of quotation marks on our signs. In fact, one of you English majors had this to say: I know a lot of things about a lot of things, and you cant just use quotation marks with random words. Theyre used to denote citations,

quoted speech, literal names, or an ironic tone! Well, English major, I know a lot of things about a lot of things, too, so I wouldnt get so high and mighty. Like when you come into the Market on a Tuesday afternoon, trying to act like you havent spent the last five

hours day drinking. You think we cant tell. We can always tell. So quit your whining and come enjoy some of our delicious pita chips: only $2.99 from now until next Friday! But before you come in, please wipe your feet. We have standards of sanitation to uphold.

The Village Markets new product labelling strategy.

I Guess Ill Be Eating Alone Today: A Live Blog

By Paul Paulson 11:00 Here I am, on my first assignment for The Collegiate. Todays theme is Liveblogging Lunch. Ill be here giving you a play-by-play of what goes down in the bier during that most favorite of meals. 11:05 Im pretty pumped for lunch, but I dont see anyone to sit with. Oh well, guess Ill just set up shop here in Upper Dempsey. Im sure my friends will be out of class soon. Jenny has Modern Quebec at 9:40, so shell definitely be headed down. Mike and James too. Hopefully theyll get here and fill the table before I have to sit with that obnoxious Sammi Waldorf girl. She always wants to cozy up to me and blab about how awesome she thinks I am. 11:15 It looks like shes sitting on the other side of the room already. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Maybe I should get some food or something, but I dont want Tamantha to miss me if she stops by after her Social Board meeting. 11:16 I am getting really hungry though. Maybe Ill spread my coat out and leave my backpack on the chair. Theyll see that. Or maybe Ill wait a few more minutes. 11:20 I really should get some food. Along with being necessary for my continued substantive existence, eating will also give me something to do with my face since I have no one to talk to. Im starting to get some ugly glares. 11:25 Its probably because Im taking up this huge table. Maybe if I move a few of the eight chairs people wont be so mad. Their eyes are so cruel. 11:30 Its Burger Blowout today. I would make a joke about it, but the only person I recognize in line is that kid from my anthropology class with the slouch and ugly jacket. 11:45 Back at the table. Hmm. Still no friends. Maybe I can read a book while I eat. Okay, this is awkward. Maybe I can go on the computer instead. Heres someone! Oh wait, thats just the AVI lady, come to wipe off my table. 11:46 Ew. My keyboard got burger on it. 11:47 You know what? I like this. I feel independent. My friends arent so great anyway. This way, I get more time to be alone with my thoughts. Im definitely, definitely definitely fine with it. 12:00 Guess Ill bus my tray. Maybe Ill say high to Sammi on the way out. We always were great friends.

Senior Art Expo Too Real

By Elgin Marbles OLIN GALLERY Caitlin Monroe 11 made grown men cry last Monday when she presented Autobiography, her senior exercise in studio art in the Olin Art Gallery. Monroe, a self-described environmentalist, left visitors speechless with her stunning body of work that uniquely combined personal biography, artistic acumen, and honesty, not to mention an artists statement (that she wrote herself!) which utilized such five-dollar words as sense-ofself and identity. Caitlins show made think about all the big stuff, Brandon Typs 13 said. You know? Shit like sex and death and how sad I am that theres only one midnight breakfast a semester. It really drove it home. Several visitors planned to revisit the gallery later in the week, after the opening, to experience the work more intimately. I really wanted some alone time with it, Adrian Pearce 11 said You know, really get a sense of the space, what the work was really trying to say. It was an utterly gut-wrenching experience. I havent cried like that since I watched Tarzan. Too real. In the one work, the one with the chicken thigh, Melicia Tomez 12 said, I just kept thinking, wow, oh my god wow, this is totally heavy, like that one time my grandmother hit a pedestrian with her Saab and had to go to night court. Wow. All I can say is, wow.
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Professor Spends Entire Seminar Waiting For Extremely Specific Answer

By Boat Thorpe OCONNOR HOUSE Professor Alan Steeplys history seminar failed to progress last Tuesday when Steeplys students were unable to provide the specific answer he had in mind. Witnesses reported that the seminar room in OConnor House where the class is held was completely silent for almost two hours straight. The class, Women and Warfare in Modern Europe, meets Tuesday nights from 7:00-10:00 p.m. and consists entirely of senior history majors. While the class often has difficulty sustaining a spirited discussion over the full three hours, such a long period of silence was heretofore unprecedented. It was horrible, said Danielle Workin 11. I mean, no one was saying anything because we obviously hadnt done the reading, and he just kept asking these questions as if they were so easy. Usually we guess what he wants after a few tries, but this time we just couldnt get it. According to Steeplys students, the class had been discussing womens participation in the Balkan Wars of 1912 and 1913 when Steeply said, But, of course, mothers in Serbia were doing what? I looked up when I heard that, said Gary Heder 11, and I was like, shit, question. Heder had been drawing a picture of Batman eating

New Classes Offered Next Semester

ANTH 393 Something Something Drugs Something Sex ARHS 254 Columns, Columns, Columns! BIO 191 Earwax Analysis BIO 392 Senior Lab: Playing God INDS 212 Hot Professor Lecture Series

a lobster dinner, but at this point he turned his attention to Steeply and searched his mind for the answer. I couldnt even figure out what the question was, he said, so I just looked down and figured someone else would answer it. Despite several hints from Steeply including, It was in the Moodle reading, and, Think Ottomans, none of the seminar students managed to produce a satisfactory answer. I guessed like twelve different things, said Francis Stonemason 11, and all of them were true, but they werent what he wanted. He kept saying stuff like, Well, yeah, thats true, but what else? Several other students tried their hands at Steeplys brainteaser, but all were met with similar responses. Finally, we just

The class notes of Gary Heder 11, written as his professor awaited an answer.

stopped trying, said Stonemason. When the students stopped hazarding guesses, Steeply continued to offer encouraging prompts such as, Come on, guys, and, You know this. Eventually, though, even he gave up. For the remainder of the seminar, the class sat in silence. It was awkward for a while, said Raymond Swann 11, but then I just went on my phone. I didnt want to just tell them the answer, said Steeply. I try to make the class interactive, you know, get everyone involved. I dont want to just talk at them for three hours a week. Steeply declined to tell The Collegiate the answer to the question, saying, I decided to make it extra credit for next class.

MUSC 201 Stravinsky, Stravinsky, Stravinsky! MUSC 391 Inaccessibility Theory PHDS 185 Racehorse Medicine PHYS 108 More ChartFilling Than Youd Expect (QR) PHYS 112 Ramps, Ramps, Ramps! PSCI 392 Serious Men With Serious Beards WGS 241 Eating: How, When, and Why

Guy In Front Of You In Potsticker Line Just Nitpicky

By Barker D. Flugelhorn PEIRCE In a startling turn of events, sophomore football player Greg Spiezak actually did not spend those fifteen minutes in front of you at the international section taking his sweet damn time as you initially believed. As you stood in line behind him, your stomach grumbling, you wondered to yourself, Who is up in the front, and why is he doing this to me? Whats going on, is he selecting the finest-grade potstickers individually, allowing a distinct period of inactivity between each selection out of respect for each? According to servery sources, that was the precise reason. When I look for a potsticker . . . well, lets just say that Im a bit of a connoisseur, chuckled Spiezak. Sometimes, I select one, and there are various problems with it skin too crispy, filling too moist, irregular shape. Thats when my mind says, Why not? and my gourmet palette says, Put it back, Chef Boyardee. This isnt a steak-nshake. When I pick up those tongs, I dont expect to let go of them until my plate is full of the absolute best potstickers Peirce can provide me, no matter how much the people behind me groan and throw forks at my neck.

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When I look for a potsticker . . . well, lets just say that Im a bit of a connoisseur.
Growing up, Spiezak and his family had a weekly ritual of attending nice restaurants, and he says that those experiences influence him to this day. I guess I just have a taste for quality, and I stick or should I say, potstick? to it. Spiezak admits that sometimes hell spend up to

fifteen minutes selecting that perfect stromboli, or that immaculate slice of cookie pie. When asked about the complaints generated by the people behind him in line about his lengthy selection process, Spiezak replied, I have to admit, Im kind of in my own world when Im up there. Food is my passion, and what does time matter when youre doing something you love? Some people love singing. Others love hunting. I love picking out the finest quality salad ingredients, leaf by leaf, until Ive assembled something worthy of the Spiezak name. Next Tuesday, look for Spiezak at the Comfort Station. Its pot roast night, and I couldnt be more excited. I know that somewhere in that tray of meat, theres that one perfect slice, waiting just for me, and I wont rest until I find it. Expect some delays I could be there all day, smiled Spiezak.

Consultant . . . . . . . . Found Glove Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u