Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.3
Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.3
Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.3
Vol. 4, issue 3
ior reportedly began Friday in his 10:10am Quest For Justice class, when the professor paused mid-lecture to tell a rambling story about attempting to hitchhike to the Guatemalan border, including a lengthy digression about the comparatively poor quality of American rum. When met with blank stares, Johnson then spent ten minutes challenging students to translate his ornate
shoulder tattoo into English. Sources within the Political Science department paint a similar picture of Johnsons behavior. The assistant professor has reportedly redecorated his OConnor House office with postcards and maps of Belize, a blue and lime green hammock resembling the tiny countrys
Continued on page 3.
In Clerical Mix-up, Nuge Uses Art Building Dedication Ceremony To Announce Phling Theme
to cut across both Middle Path and Ransom Lawn, his keen geospatial understanding guiding him along the fastest, most direct route to wherever it was he was going. All he had were those papers,
By Ambrosia Sweetwater
It was kind of sexy, really. I dove into a rack of bicycles to get out of his way.
said Gina Trivedi 13, who encountered Henderson outside Peirce. No backpack, no water-bottle, no travel food. It was immediately clear that he wanted to remain unencumbered so that he could maneuver more easily. It was kind of sexy, really. I dove into a rack of bicycles to get out of his way.
Continued on page 3.
PEIRCE In an effort to increase the local food options available in Peirce, AVI has replaced the popular International station with Flavorful Flora, serving dishes comprising various plant species native to Ohios woodlands. Who wants Taco Tuesdays when you can have Milkweed Mondays? enthused Head Chef Walter Bathhouser. So far, student reactions to the change are overwhelmingly negative. The growing influx and sheer weight of written complaints has caused the comment card box to collapse from its fixture in the atrium, and many students have taken to writing on the All-Stu message board to voice their frustrations. I thought I was putting croutons on my Caesar salad. Turns out, AVI
replaced the croutons with bits of bark from Eastern Cottonwood trees. Guess I should start reading those labels, said freshman Randy Bogart, whose subsequent WebMD search for damaged esophagus from swallowing sharp fragments of tree bark turned
Turns out AVI replaced the croutons with bits of bark from Cottonwood trees.
up no results. Despite the backlash and barrage of visits to the Health Center for severe allergic reactions, AVI stands by its decision to serve woodland cuisine as a part of Kenyons initiative to use locally grown ingredients. Allergies, schmallergies, were drastically reduc-
Continued on page 4.
1
News In Brief
moodle reported having at least one moodle with someone they were not in moodle with, as opposed to only 34% in moodle. Another 15% moodlingly moodled with more that two different moodles over three moodles. Moodle Kari Moodle from the Moodle Moodle suggested that, while not moodle moodling, these moodles could moodle for the moodle moodle in the moodles ahead. Moodle need to be moodle, Moodle moodled, With more moodle comes a moodle of moodle.
bus, expressed similar sentiments. Kenyan cross country has become a serious and succesful establishment, he commented. It seemed like an obvious next step to challenge the Kenyon Lords to a match on their home turf. We hope that in the future, no one will confuse the two teams anymore. Ehehehe, he added.
point he had just made with a common rhetorical device. None of the students attempted to answer, and the silence continued for nearly a minute before Crutcher resumed the lecture. You could have cut the tension with a knife, said Peppercorn.
Kenyan Cross Country Team Laughs Out Loud At Kenyon Cross Country Team
KAC After defeating Kenyon Colleges Cross Country team last Saturday in an international meet, the Kenyan national cross country team took a moment to laugh out loud at their opponents, sources report. We greatly enjoyed this victory, chuckled Kenyan team captain Thomas Abiku. Defeating the Kenyon cross country team is satisfying for us on many levels. Especially the obvious one. Hee hee hee hee. Kalonzo Iba, a teammate of Aki-
Moodle Moodled
GAMBIER College officials released a report yesterday detailing how more students then ever are moodling Moodle. This report echoes a growing trend of moodle amongst students at moodle and moodle across the nation. In this 2011 moodle, 46% of
said Kevin Lambers 15, Shes crying, and hes still trying to give her a goddamn hickey. Why? For gods sake, why? But the couple also announced that they wont limit their affection to the dining hall. The two have already been sighting giving passionate goodbyes when parting for their respective 1:10 classes. Theyre acting like hes
going to fucking war or something, observed Chuck Pees 12, who has obviously never been loved so deeply that it hurts. Theyre gonna see each other again in 50-fucking-minutes. I think people get it, said Graves, Why should I have to wait until Im alone with her to touch, kiss, and snuggle this amazing sex-goddess of a woman?
2
2 p l ease
recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
Opinion
truth. A simple flick of the wrist and the gates are open to the new pioneers of the English language, a short shake of the head and the doors are forever locked. Its a great power and a great responsibility, but I am a benevolent gatekeeper, and I am kind as I am
Well, well, well. If it isnt the bucktoothed and chubby-cheeked underclassmen, lining up to take their lumps. So you saw me in your inbox and thought, Hey, I fancy myself a writer, maybe I should take a crack at this. Maybe you think youre real hot shit now, a regular Maverick or Steve McQueen just because you got a callback for the Fools or cos youre in Colla Voce now or whatever. You think you got what it takes to apply to a creative writing seminar? Well Ive got some news for you, dilweeds. So youd better sit your asses down and shut your face holes, because Im about to straight up cut the bullshit. Im not gonna pussyfoot around here: you dont have what it takes. Creative writings not for the faint of heart. Frankly, Ive seen better men than you soil themselves at the sight of a Norton Anthology of American
Wow is all I can say. What an honor, to be elected to the position of Associate at the Kenyon Review, the worlds preeminent literary journal. Its been a long journey it seems like only yesterday that I was a mere student, a fawning apprentice of the word. But to stand beside my idols as an equal no less! my pen is for the first time at a loss for words. Mom and Dad, I know that you wanted me to major in something that made me sound like less of an uptight little ass-weasel, but youll be proud when you see the Goldstein family name inscribed next to Ransom and Doctorow in the annuls of Kenyon lore. I stand at the door of Finn House like Heimdall the Gatekeeper, proud Odin -- David Lynn -- stands beside me, clutching his mighty sceptre of
If theres one thing Ive learned from being a board, its to not believe in stereotypes. A lot of boards here in the Art Barn really go against the grain, and theyre not afraid to branch out and be their knotty selves. You really cant judge them just because theyre different from you. Plus, when you get to know
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
them, their bark is really worse than their bite. My own experience has been quite an ordeal. I started off as a chip of the old block, a proud son of a birch. But then I was cut down in my prime, splintered off from my family. A lot of people say Ive gotten pretty warped as of late. I spend a lot of my time pining after that board over there, the one with the giant rings. For her, Id try to get back on the straight and narrow. But as it is, I just kill time leaning against this wall, avoiding beavers and bandsaws, occasionally going out and planking. Or I hang out with these tools. Yeah, thats right, Im talking to you, hammer. Someday, Im gonna get out of this two-bit woodshop. Finally make something of myself. Maybe a shed.
Hey there. Remember me? You might think youre too old for me, but honey, have you got another one coming. You and me? Were inseparable. Were made for each other. All those good times we had when you were younger, theyre about to be back in a big way. When you least expect it, when you think Im at my most dormant, thats when I will strike. One day you will wake up with something important to do, look in the mirror, and there Ill be, staring right back at you with all the ooze and grease I possess. Sure, try to pick at me, pop me, destroy me. Ill come back as even less flattering sores and scabs. If you even dare to pop me I will release everything
Ive got all over your face. I will make your dates, your presentations, and, God help me, your everyday conversations a hellish, walking embarrassment. You wanna try and cover me up? Give me all the make up youve got, honey, I was born to be a star and Im gonna shine all over your face no matter what you put on me. So what if you spend all day volunteering at Wiggin Street and then clearing paths at the BFEC? I dont care what youre doing for the common good. Thats stress and sweat right there, and you know I feed off that shit. And you think that because you wash your forehead every night Ill leave it alone? Hell no, thats prime real estate. All eyes are gonna be on me, honey. I dont give a shit that youre 21, Im gonna fester and puss all over your face. No part of your delicate epidermal canvas will escape the touch of my oily brush; not your cheeks, not your chin, not even even your lips. Big weekend plans? Pretty ladies? Try hooking up when Im hanging out all over your lips. Youre in for a pimple to remember, honey. And Im looking forward to it.
my cell phone yesterday. I mean, I dont want to be ignorant. Its honestly totally fine with me if he is Amish, but Id like to know. Who does he think hes fooling? Also was he there at the film screening last week? I dont think so. Actually, Alissa told me her friend hooked up with that dude last weekend, but he wouldnt go to her room when he saw
board, in my opinion, said senior Chad Earp. I had made my status pre game at A3, lets rage, and Peirce liked it and posted Ill bring the Pressed Cubano Sandwiches! Then some AVI employee showed up with no beer and ate my chips. Many students reportedly feel that there is a lack of privacy since Peirce joined the Facebook world. Last weekend I got incredibly drunk, said Phil Banks 15, When I logged on the next day Peirce had uploaded a picture of me passed out
This unfortunate photo was posted and tagged by Peirce Hall last Saturday night.
with the comment I remember my first beer. Whats worse is: my mom saw the picture. The world we live in today is completely connected with the Internet, said Frendem. Here at Peirce we are always looking for ways to improve Facebook invitations to every meal, live tweets from the omelete bar, inter-staff Likealittles. Theres so much potential out there! We should continue this conversation over Facebook chat.
Retractions
In last weeks issue, an advertising deal with Apple Computers, Inc required us to replace every instance of the letter k with their logo. We would especially like to apologize to Mr. enneth araar.
4
2 p l ease
recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
has yet been released by the company. President Nugent, on the otherhand, has been extremely vocal about the issue. There is no cause for alarm, she said in a recent Kenyon Collegian editorial. Ive read the letters, Ive seen the petition, and Im here to tell you: there will be enough gourds. Just yesterday I overheard John Marsh from AVI ordering a shipment of six hundred cushaw pumpkins. Before you know it, Upper Dempsey will be swimming in gourds and well have have forgotten all about this.
Bottle gourds, zucchinis, spaghetti squash as long as its festive, itll do the job.
But not all students are convinced. Of course the Nuge is telling us that the gourds are on the way, says Andy Keever 13. Its in her interest to keep us calm about the gourds. But make no mistake: behind the scenes, theyre scrambling. Because there arent going to be enough decorative gourds, and we know it, and they know we know it. Look, continues Keever, this isnt like winter is coming and there isnt enough fake cotton snow in Peirce. Gourds are a whole different ballgame. Hollowing one out, drying it, maybe tying a ribbon to the stem that takes time that we just havent got. Im praying that AVI has something up their sleeve on this one. We need decorative gourds, and we need them fast. Hannah Santa Anna 15 Prissy Doodle 15
stubble, so that really puts a wrench in the gears of the male hypothesis. Hoffman has also suggested a switch to same-sex restrooms, after originally voting for co-ed restrooms, as a surefire method for answering this mystery. When pressed about the need to find an answer to the gender question, Hoffman reported that he has plans for a last ditch crotch shot if all other methods fail. Hoffman hopes that this will put all doubts behind him regarding Herberss sex. Throughout all the confusion, Hoffman has remained positive about the future of his relationship with Herbers. If Sams a guy, I think well end up being really close friends, Hoffman said hopefully, but if Sams a girl, I dunno, maybe well date.
STUDENTS
FACULTY
Totals so far: Students: 52 Faculty: 55
Vs.
Is mankind good or evil? What do sailors eat for breakfast? Do we really have free will? Is there a God? Total Correct
*BWONGG* *BWONGG* *BWONGG* Ive really learned a lot from my study-abroad experience.
Evil What the little girls said. No. Try asking Him yourself.
One
Two
Three
One
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
Look at me. No no, dont just cast your eyes onward toward the market, thinking of your warm New Apt., I said look at me! I am YOUR bookstore, and because of YOUR apathy, YOUR Spark Notes, and YOUR affairs with that tax-exempt online whore Amazon, I am a shell of my former self. I used to be the lifeblood of a literary community teeming with promise and sophistication. John Crowe Ransom found inspiration on my shelves and ignited a generation of critics and writers. I was young. I was vibrant. Though I stocked the occasional commemorative Kenyon beer stein or letterman jacket, my collection of texts went unrivaled. No Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Saddest Cats in Hats: A Photo Diary here. But now. Now you have transformed me into a bagelry of the lowest order. Your demand for apple chips and organic, chocolate-covered bacon sickens me. For Gods sake, I sell more puppets than I do great works of fiction. The horrible, hor-
rible puppets . . . They look at me at night. Their cold, lifeless eyes mirror those of the student population that pokes fun at them before buying yet another packet of sticky tack to hang whatever pseudo-intellectual movie poster they bought at the Black Box in their putrid dorm. Sure Kenyon, you talk the local talk, going on about your farmers markets in Pasadena and that fantastic Amish pie you got from the old lady just a few feet away, but you dont walk the walk. You can go to all the PEAS meetings you want, but when it comes to ponying up a few extra dollars for the seminal texts of our age you waffle. You make excus-
greatest creations, saying he spent at least 20 minutes on the name alone and would never consider pulling it from the shelves. As a result, Kenyon College will likely be forced to file another suit against his corporation in the coming days especially if Lauren also follows through on his blood oath to destroy every part of the college that dared challenge [his] power. To Kenyons administrators, Laurens reaction is the first setback in what they now fear might be a long and
Do you even know who youre dancing with here? Im. Ralph. Lauren.
costly legal battle. We only get about a 10% percent royalty from the use of our crest, said Business Administrator Mark Stringerner, Usually that goes into the Alumni Fund to support scholarships. Itd be nice to see a few extra pennies in there, but Mr. Lauren has not been terribly cooperative. Lauren, who with a net wealth of over five billion dollars is the 173rd richest man in the world, responded in a statement that he did not know what a scholarship was and had no interest in supporting one. Im sorry, what was that? said Lauren when pressed for comment by college officials, I cant hear you over the sound of how valuable I am.
CollegIaTe sTaff
Long Snapper . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams Tight End . . . . Beauregard Beauregard Defensive Tackle . . . . . . . Clams Casino Trainer . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin Punter . . . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply Halfback . . . . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe Wide Reciever . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn Offensive Lineman . . . . . Pumpy Calico Fullback . . . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes Cornerback . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom Offensive Coordinator . . Ichabod Townley Center . . . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard Slot Reciever . . . . . Patty OFurniture Quarterback . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis Kicker . . . . . . . Ambrosia Sweetwater Holder . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano Kickoff Returner . . . . . Button Gwennit Head Coach . . . . . . . . . Sterile Meryl Offensive Tackle . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore Consultant . . . . . . . . . . . . Mascot Interns . . . . Arizona Outlaws, Portland Breakers, Chicago Blitz, Orlando Starz Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
and he paused several times to keep his teeth from falling out, reported Joshua Boreal 14. I hope this stuff doesnt end up on the final. It was an interesting class, said Julie Rampart 15. Professor Brint would say a few things about B.F. Skinner and how man is will-less product of his genetics and environment, then he would try to demonstrate a negative stimulus by shocking one of the bats he saw flying around the room. Brint then pointed out that the rea-
son why all his ex-girlfriends were sitting in the back row laughing at him could be explained in terms of classical conditioning. Towards the end of class, Brint climbed onto his desk in order to escape the marshmallow fluff flooding the room. Brint, who was last seen shuffling down Wiggin Street asking passersby if they have seen his giant strawberry, had this to say: My sister took it from me. Its big and red. Have you seen it?