January 2012

May all your troubles last only as long as your New Year resolutions!!!

Yennys Market Loase Resort/Sams Bar Pascuals Happy Hippo Sharkys Bar & Grill MarLous Restaurant Syls Place Galeria de Arte Sol The Anchor Supermercado Tropical Big Lees Beach Bar El Jardin y Algo Mas Restaurant Chino The Meeting Place Maximillians Beach Bar Chris & Madys Ocean World Marina Los Tres Cocos

What To Do This Month Event Quick Reference Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Costambar Cable Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!

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Aaron Karll. Sharkys Bar & Grill in Costambar is bringing the fun times back to town! Hans is back with Darts on Tuesday nights. Wednesdays is the Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Fine dining at its best! Call house specialty - Buffalo Wings! Rockin Karaoke with Shawn & Ken on Friday nights! 809-993-4503 for details. They have a Foosball Table, Pool Table and Sams at Loase Resort & Spa is making Sunday a Satellite TV for all sporting events. AND - Charo special day. Starting at 10am with a breakfast is in charge of the menu! Food specials every brunch, then escape the hassle of the beach by Saturday & Sunday! Ask at the bar for details using their pool facilities, playing racquetball or about their 1st Annual Golf Tournament! bring a group and play some free wallyball. Then at 7pm dance under the stars with Annette and MarLous Restaurant will have new offers for learn basic merengue, bachata and more! On the New Year! Saturdays is Karaoke from 9pm. February 5th they will hold a Super Bowl Party! Restaurant Chino has the best Chinese food on At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach youll the North Coast! Eat in or take out. Two find great food at great prices enjoyed with a locations - on the Malecon in Puerto Plata and calle Principal in Cabarete. million dollar view! Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. Saturdays Syls Place has Happy Hour every day from 4is Sancocho! This month they will hold their 7pm. Fridays is her popular Fish & Chips/Onion Austrian Evening on Tuesday January 24th Rings. Sundays is Sancocho. starting at 7pm. They also hold a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month The Anchor in Costambar will have new beginning at 10am. No cost to vendors! specials on their night time menu during January. Its Indian Butter Chicken on January Pascuals on Costambar Beach specializes in 7th! And all month when you buy one drink with seafood from their live lobster tank. Also your dinner you get the second one free! available for parties and events! Chris & Madys has all your favourite sports The Happy Hippo invites everyone for a New including NFL and NHL! Try their seafood and Years drink and the opening of their latest lobster specials! venture The Lazy Leopard on January 4th from 2pm - with jazz by Retah B. And on January 22nd The Meeting Place has started their winter from 2pm its Karaoke with Jepol. program. January offers everything from movies and theatre productions to political discussions. Big Lees Beach Bar is aiming to be the new Book sale January 2nd to 5th!! hotspot on the Malecon in Puerto Plata. Try his new steamed hot dogs with all the fixings! Why not visit Maximillians Beach Bar on the American music and free popcorn! Look for the 7 malecon in Puerto Plata! foot electric palm tree! Ocean World Marina offers an exquisite buffet every Sunday from 11am-3pm with American, Why not try El Jardin y Algo Mas for something German & Canadian specialties. Music and use different? Why not try their fabulous Swiss of the pool facilities is included. Cheese Fondue! Now open in Costambar Galeria de Arte Sol with a complete program of events and classes. Explore your creative side! And their first art show runs from January 6th to 8th with works by artists Gerson Urena, Carlo Arcesi and Douglas

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CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE 33foot sailboat, Glander Tavana class yawl, good condition/ minor work needed, less than 1500 hours on new 20 horse Kuboto engine and trans. A MUST SEE! Located in Luperon bay. Call Sean @ (809) 782-2534. WANTED Golf Cart, does anyone have an electric golf cart for sale, anything considered broken or damaged included, Tel: 809 639 9393 or email : bobyk@libello.com FOR SALE Pool/Jacuzzi Heater. StaRite 400K BTU Maxi-Therm propane heater. Recently rebuilt and overhauled including a new heat exchanger that cost $RD40,000. Cost new was $RD130,000. Asking $RD75,000 OBO. This is a real bargain! Please call 809-9703268 Costambar FOR SALE Acer Aspire Laptop Computer. 15.6" screen. Webcam, wi-fi, DVD burner, 4gb DDR3 memory, 500 gb hard drive, Windows 7 home premium. Nice unit. Brand new. Box has been opened, but unit has never even been plugged in. Real nice Christmas present! 20,000 pesos. Call Chris @ 829931-8094. or e-mail cjlefrank@hotmail.com. FOR SALE Open fishing motorboat, 22 feet, year 2010, Tohatsu 40 horsepower and Tohatsu 9.8 horsepower, specialize for big game fishing! Call for prices: 849 886 1266 Located in Luperon FOR SALE susuki 4 wheels 4x2 ltz450 yellow 2002 new tires new clutch new brakes 4 strokes asking 70,000 pesos paradiserepublic2011@yahoo. FOR SALE SKODA Felicia 2000 Good condition 120,000 RD Call JESUS 809 451-5379 or 809 970-7276 AFTER Dec. 6th FOR SALE Combo 788c features a brilliant color, ultra-high resolution 640V x 640H 5" display, DualBeam PLUS sonar with 4000 Watts PTP power output, GPS Chartplotting with built-in UniMap, and advanced Fishing System capabilities. In addition, it includes dual card slots for maps and saving waypoints, as well as 3 programmable preset buttons to save your favorite views.1,000US or best offer paradiserepublic2011@yahoo. com or 8493534628

LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBARS NEW FLEA MARKET AT THE CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! FREE TO VENDORS!!! Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820 PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.

www.costambarmonthly.com
OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm Everything you need from snacks to supper! Delivery Service Available! Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) 809-970-3028

FOR SALE Laptop, Dell Inspiron 1000, 14 inch screen, 512 Mo memory, 60 Gb Hard Disk, battery FOR SALE 1995 Diesel Toyota Land Cruiser problem, 7000 pesos. In Excellent Condition. Manual FOR SALE Transmission, Air Conditioning, 1991 Toyota Camry, good 4 wheel drive. Former UN condition, A/C. Asking vehicle. A no frills beast of a RD$80,000 neg. vehicle with a comfortable ride 1993 Toyota Corolla, very good on or off road. Asking RD condition, A/C. Asking 380,000. Located near Maimon. RD$150,000 neg 809-707-9036 Email solange.domaso@hotmail.com IGLESIA FILIPOS PRESBITERIANA invites you to WORK WANTED Anything considered - cleaning, FOR SALE services every Sunday at 10 A.M. Worships are in babysitting, painting, etc. I 15HP Johnson outboard Spanish. Children activities. Before Costambar Gate understand some English and motor. Short shaft,good Security, turn on the right side toward the power have references. runner, US$800 Call 809-449plant, 100 meters on the right side. Call Rosy 809-292-9693 1819

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FOR SALE
Apartments for Rent Special Offers Available For Long Term Rentals! Just ask Max! Office 809-970-7312 Cell 809-251-8679 Visit our website www.villasfelipe.com

Waterfront Apartment In Edificio Miramar Costambar One Bedroom Furnished Good Condition

Maximilians
BEACH BAR
First Casetta at Long Beach Malecon, Puerto Plata, R.D. Cell: 809-251-8679

MUST SELL!!!
Contact Joe 809-465-4946
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE....WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE.... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

FOR SALE

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Power Hour 3X1 Cuba Libres at Catamaran 6-7pm Happy Hour at Syls Place 4-7pm Beginners dance class 10-11am at Galeria de Arte Sol Beginners guitar class 5-6pm at Galeria de Arte Sol Advanced guitar class 6-7pm at Galeria de Arte Sol Darts with Hans at Sharkys Buffalo Wings Special at Sharkys Beginners dance class 10-11am at Galeria de Arte Sol Culinary Italian Dinner at Galeria de Arte Sol 7:30pm Fish & Chips at Syls Place Karaoke at Sharkys Sancocho at Catamaran Karaoke at MarLous 9pm Sancocho at Syls Place Breakfast Buffet at Sams at Loase from 10am Free dancing with Annette at Sams at Loase at 7pm Buy one drink with your meal, get the second free at The Anchor New Years Drink and opening of Lazy Leopard with jazz by Retah B at Happy Hippo from 2pm Showing of works by featured artists at Galeria de Arte Sol Indian Butter Chicken at The Anchor Movie Moneyball at Meeting Place 3pm Theatre production of La Vieja Bellen at Meeting Place 7pm Karaoke with Jepol at Happy Hippo from 2pm Movie The Ides of March with expert presentation at Meeting Place 3pm Austrian Night at Catamaran from 7pm Slide presentation and walking tour of The Victorian Houses of Central Puerto Plata at Meeting Place 3pm

LIQUIDATION SALE
NEW Name Brand Merchandise Mens/Womens/Childrens Clothing Pants, Blouses, Cosmetics, Perfumes and Much More! AT CLEARANCE PRICES!!! Discounts for volume purchases!
MERCHANDISE WAREHOUSE Sunix Station next to the overhead bridge Plaza Touristico Ave. Manolo Tavarez Justo Puerto Plata RD 809-261-7595 Monday - Saturday 8am-6pm

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VIVERO!!!
Open to the Public
All ypes of T Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants Landscaping & Garden Maintenance Services Available BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm And By Appointment

PLANT

TheWashington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs. 2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent. 6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. 8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. 11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. 12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. (GOTTA LOVE IT!) 14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041

Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert (In front of PARADA DINAMICA) Just past the fish places

DO YOU NEED A HOUSE SITTER?

Former New Jersey Police Officer is available! Long/short term Call 829-540-2818

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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Order Your Health Insurance Now!

RD$955 Includes Dental (with Drugs RD$1190)
NE JA W R N AT 1 20 ES 12

Tuesday Jan 3 & Feb 7

Big Lees Beach Bar, Puerto Plata 5pm Biekes Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or Call Petra & Marcel Bahr 1-809-885-2155
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great...some asshole's got my pen!' When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you. WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!!

FOR DETAILED INFORMATION

LIFE IS LIKE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER. THE CLOSER IT GETS TO THE END, THE FASTER IT GOES.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoof ySantoDomingo" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Massage: Relax, Reduction, Deep Tissue, Facial Massage, Reflexology, Acupressure, & Hot Stone Physical Therapy, Paraffin Treatment & Lymphatic Drainage Manicure & Pedicure: Regular & Intensive Braids & Hair Extensions & Mens Haircuts Facials, Waxing , Peeling, Hydration & Nurse Services Natural Health & Beauty Products
ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIALS. Open Mon-Sat from 9:00am / Sundays by appointment Service to the home. Transportation available. #14 Penon St, Costambar Tel: 809-970-7522 Cell: 809-993-2944

Costambar Monthly page 8

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' Email daniel1010@netzero.com 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we A Scotsman walks into a bank in London and asks start?' for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And needs to borrow 5,000. The bank officer tells him sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scotsman hands over the keys to a 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every bank. He produces the logbook and everything time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd Scotsman for using a 250,000 Ferrari as love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be collateral against a 5,000 loan. An employee of disappointed with that.' the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a later, the Scotsman returns, repays the 5,000 portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. and the interest, which comes to 15.41. The loan 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when y ou consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. were away, we checked you out and found that 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' why would you bother to borrow 5,000?' The Scotsman replies: 'Where else in London can I 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. park my car for two weeks for only 15.41 and 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three expect it to be there when I return?' hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and Ah, the mind of the Scots... yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the SOUND RENTAL squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my For Any Event Of Your Choice tripod and we can get to work right away.' With Animation in English, Spanish, German and French 'Tripod?' Lyrics in 7 Languages 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. International Music, Videos and DVDs It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.com Mrs. Smith fainted

Karaoke Tropical

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CLEAR FIBERGLASS 33-LB PROPANE CYLINDER TANK

Always know how much gas you have! Lighter than steel and don't rust! $320.00 new in US Now only 2450 pesos Call Colin 809-449-1819

FOR SALE

26' Ocean Reef Fishing Boat Good - Very Good condition Built in Florida 1982 Solid sea-vessel Economical 4 cyl. Isuzu Good for fishing or touring. US$42,000 Info 809-392-0077 sailinnn@yahoo.com

TRYING TO SELL YOUR BOAT? GET MORE EXPOSURE BY ADVERTISING IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHL Y!

L U P E R O N

HOW NOT TO LAUNCH YOUR BOAT!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Well, how about some "ARSE ICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular arse (__!__) a fat arse (!) a tight arse (_*_) a sore arse {_!_} a swishy arse (_o_) an arse that's been around (_x_) kiss my arse (_X_) leave my arse alone (_zzz_) a tired arse ( _E=mc2_) a smart arse (_$_) Money coming out of his arse (_?_) Dumb Arse You have just been mooned!

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SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 13
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

FAMILY TIES
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell a special occasion for families.

ANCESTOR AUNT BOND BROTHERS CHILDREN CLAN COUSINS DAD DAUGHTER DESCENDANTS

FATHER FOLKS GENEALOGY GRANDPARENT HALF BROTHER HALF SISTER HUSBAND KIN MARRIAGE MOM

MOTHER NEPHEW NEWLYWED NIECE OFFSPRING PARENTS PROGENY RELATIONS RELATIVES SIBLING

SISTERS SON SPOUSE STEPPARENT TRIPLETS TWINS UNCLE WIFE

Across 1. Wander 5. Extraction 6. Paradise 7. Assuage Down 1. Seafarer 2. Supreme commander 3. Diverge 4. Relinquish

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PARENT OF THE YEAR AWARD!

12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49 CNN FOX ABC NBC CBS KIDS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO 70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85 SPORT BOOMERANG 51 56 57 64 66 CINE SPEED ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD 69 DISCOVERY WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE CANAL

FOR LITTLE SUZYS SAKE WE HOPE HER MOTHER HASNT EATEN BEANS LATELY!

Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy

809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything. 2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour. 3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila. 4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls! 5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days). 6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it. 7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality. 8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.. 9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. 10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny. 11. When life gives you lemons in 2012 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka. 12. Remember every good-looking, sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.. (Now that's more like it !) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig..) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light.. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.. (What about that pig??)

Restaurant Chino
Best Chinese Food On the North Coast! Two Great Locations! Eat In or Takeout!
Xiang Wan Jia Plaza Neptuno, Malecon, Puerto Plata 809-261-5609 Calle Principal, Cabarete 809-571-0385 There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?" Try Our SWISS CHEESE FONDUE!

Open Tues-Sat 4pm-11:30pm/Sunday 11:30am-11:30pm Calle Felix Nolasco #55, Urbanization Atlantica, Puerto Plata 809-261-0416/829-568-1475

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TWO HEROIN ADDICTS HAVE INJECTED THEMSELVES WITH CURRY POWDER BY MISTAKE BOTH ARE IN INTENSIVE CARE... ONE HAS A DODGY TIKKA AND THE OTHER ONE IS IN A KORMA.
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

ONE SAGGY BOOB SAID TO THE OTHER SAGGY BOOB: 'IF WE DON'T GET SOME SUPPORT SOON, PEOPLE WILL THINK WE'RE NUTS.'

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

BEGINNER

INTERMEDIA TE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Family Reunion

Costambar Monthly page 14

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant, following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The other night I was invited out for a night with The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home Senor. Sometimes the bull wins. by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my INTERNATIONAL GOURMET husband asked me what time I got in, I told him CUISINE 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! & Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its, throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Costambar Monthly page 15

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting so, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

Puerto Platas non-profit English Bookstore and Resource Center

NEW YEAR SALE: January 2 - January 5 To make room for new books, hundreds of books normally priced at up to 350 pesos will be on sale for 25, 50 and 100 pesos. M-F 11:00 5:30.

PREVIEW OF JANUARY 2012 PROGRAM

Sunday, January 8th: 3pm FILM CLUB. Moneyball: with Brad Pitt, based on a true story of the behind the scenes workings of a major league team in the DRs favorite sport. Saturday, January 14th: 7pm Teatro Balsamo presents LA VEIJA BELEN with English interpretation, based on Julia Alvarez El Mejor Regalo del Mundo / The Best Gift of all A unique Dominican folktale Sunday January 22nd: 3pm To mark the Dominican political season, the FILM CLUB will show George Clooneys The Ides of March. The film will be preceded by a presentation by a well known expert who will try to demystify the upcoming presidential election; candidates, parties, issues, the electoral process and the prospects. In February and March there will be discussions with candidates or leading party representatives. Sunday, January 29th: 3pm The Victorian Houses of Central Puerto Plata -Then and Now. A slide presentation followed by a walking tour guided by students at the Faculty of Architecture, PUCMM University Santiago.

809-261-7393

829-455-6110

Juan Bosch 60 (2 blocks NE of Central Park, Bus B)

Costambar Monthly page 16

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition... The winners are: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Galeria de Arte Sol

Calle Cristobal Colon #6, Costambar

PROGRAM SCHEDULE
Beginning January 3, 2012
Monday Morning 10:00 AM to 11:00 $200 RD Dance Class (Beginners learn basics in Merengue, Bachata, Salsa) Monday Evening 5:00 to 6:00 PM $200 RD Guitar Class Basic Beginners Monday Evening 6:00 to 7:00 PM $200 RD Guitar Class Advanced Wednesday Morning 10:00 AM to 11:00 AM $200 RD Dance Class (Beginners learn basics in Merengue, Bachata, Salsa) Thursday Evenings 7:30 PM $500 RD/person Culinary Italian Dinner limited to 10 with prepaid reservation (Appetizer, Salad, Main Course, Dessert, Coffee, Guitar Entertainment) The first week end of each month is a featured artist opening Limited space available.Contact me now to RESERVE YOUR SPACE Email: tangoannet@gmail.com

Galeria de Arte Sol

Presents The Works of Artists

Friday January 6th 2012 7:30pm to 9:30pm Saturday & Sunday January 7th & 8th 2012 10:30am to 4:30pm

Costambar Monthly page 17

Children and The Olimpit Games

I am sorry but for a variety of reasons The Olimpit Games is for adults only. The real Olympic Games doesn't have children in it either. If someone would like to set up a Junior Olimpit Games I would be only too glad to help. Dorne A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price." Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!

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Costambar Monthly page 18

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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American Oldies Music! English Conversationand Spanish, French & German too! Free Popcorn for all customers! Hot Dogs on Steamed Buns with all your favorite condiments too! Great Prices on your favorite drinks! ALWAYS OPEN BY 11AM!

CHRIS & MADYS

Playa Cofresi

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FOR WEEKLY UPDATES & ACTIVITES GO TO OUR WEBSITE Friend Us on FACEBOOK at Biglees Beachbar (only 2 words)

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest Irishman asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?' The second Irishman replies...... 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday!

Costambar Monthly page 19

Most people think it improper to smack children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of.... 'those moments!' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "That's a mirror, Idiot!

s cial nday Spe & Su bar! d Foo urday t the Sat rd a ery he boa Ev k t c Che

1st ANNUAL SHARKYS GOLF TOURNAMENT ALL THE DETAILS AT THE BAR!

Costambar Monthly page 20

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is

worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

Costambar Monthly page 21

A co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the human resources department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget." As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

PASCUALS PLAYA COSTAMBAR

Specializing in Live Lobsters & Seafood
Open Daily

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!

For Parties, Events & Reservations

Call 829-434-9404/829-464-4071/829-637-6487

Thursday to Sunday 6pm-10pm (last orders 9pm)

Buy one drink with your dinner and get the second one

Monday to Saturday 8am-2pm Sunday 8am-1pm On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death!!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Costambar Monthly page 22

YOUR DOGS TOp 10 PET PEEVES

1 Blaming your farts on me..... Not funny... Not funny at all !!! 2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG 3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! 5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. Now lay off me on these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

DID YOU WIN?!?!?

Heres the latest list of winners from the Amigos de 4 Patas raffle. The drawing was held December 28th at Sharkys: 1. Jewelry certificate: Sylvia McGinnis. 2. Dominican diving book: Don Docker 3. Spa certificate: Andre ??? 4. Breakfast for two at The Anchor: Denic C. 5. Dinner for two at Sole Mio: Fabienne If you havent claimed your prize get in touch with Carolina at 829-520-7265. Remember tickets are available for RD$50 at Happy Hippo and The Anchor all winter and lots more great prizes are still to be won. Keep reading Costambar Monthly to see if youve won! For only RD$2000/year you can become a member of Amigos de 4 Patas and help them fund their many initiatives on the behalf of all 4 legged creatures. In return you will receive a number of discounts at a number of vets, restaurants, shops and hotels. Its a win-win situation! Contact Carolina at 829-520-7265 or drop by Ricks office at Atlantic One to become a member now!

The next A4P spay/neuter clinic will be held on February 5th. They need large amounts of SUTURE MATERIAL: absorbable Vicryl 0 / 2.0 (see picture). This can be purchased at any pharmacy. Or as an alternative you can donate RD$330 for a suture and they will purchase them. Donations can be made by contacting Carolina at 829-520-7265 or dropping by Ricks office at Atlantic One.

Costambar Monthly page 23

yls Place S
calle Principal just past the farmacia

A Wide Variety of Sandwiches, Salads, Soups & Desserts Plate of the Day FRIDAYS Fish & Chips/Onion Rings SUNDAYS Sancocho WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO PLEASE YOU! DONT SEE IT? ASK FOR IT!

HAPPY HOUR!!! 4-7pm Cuba/Santo Libres 2X1 Bohemia peq RD$45 Presidente peq RD$50 Watch for Surprise Drink Specials!!!

ENJOY YOUR MEAL AT OUR POOL SIDE DINING AREA!

RENTALS AVAILABLE!!
SCOOTERS! QUADS! MOBILITY CHAIR! BY THE DAY, WEEK OR MONTH!! CONTACT SYLVIA (ENGLISH) 809-848-9009 YORDENY (SPANISH) 809-877-0187

Costambar Monthly page 24

When you are feeling nostalgic come to

Play It Again
At Loase
Much of What You Loved About Sams In Costambar!

SUPER BOWL PARTY!! SUNDAY FEBRUARY 5TH

Starting Sunday January 8th Open 10am for Breakfast Brunch And Full Menu Tues toSat 12pm-8pm??? Sunday 10am-8pm??? Closed Mondays
Call for reservations if youwant to eat later than 8pm

SUNDAY NIGHTS AT 7PM JANUARY 8th, 15th, 22nd and 29th

Dancing Under the Stars with Annette Learn basic Merengue, Bachata & Salsa FREE!

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Casa Obear/ Loase Villa