Is it possible to have a happy open marriage?

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By Daniel NasawBBC News, Washington

Newt Gingrich and his now ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, in happier times Continue reading the main story

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Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's ex-wife has said they divorced after she rejected his request for an "open marriage". People in open marriages have told the BBC that if her version of events is true, the former House Speaker broached the subject the wrong way. Several years after their wedding, Jenny Block realised that even though she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, she needed more. Today, Ms Block, a writer, lives with Christopher in Dallas. Her girlfriend Jemma does not live with the couple - but spends a lot of time in the house. "It's been me and my girlfriend and me and my husband, and the two of them are really good friends, but they're not sexually involved," says Ms Block, 41, author of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage. "We're the most boring, regular, Scrabble and takeout Chinese on Saturday night kind of family.

"I have one other partner - that's the difference between our marriage and other marriages. No hanging naked from the chandelier. You couldn't detect anything if you came over for dinner."

'Callista doesn't care'

Jenny Block says the "Cinderella path" of monogamy was not for her

On Thursday, the already rollicking race for the Republican presidential nomination was shaken up by a lurid accusation of infidelity from the ex-wife of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Mr Gingrich had previously been accused of cheating on Marianne Gingrich, his second wife. But she told an interviewer that Mr Gingrich had asked "that I accept the fact that he has somebody else in his life" and also suggested that she share him with his mistress. "I said to him, 'Newt, we've been married a long time.' And he said, 'yes, but you want me all to yourself. Callista doesn't care what I do,'" Marianne Gingrich told ABC News in an interview broadcast on Thursday. "He was asking to have an open marriage. And I refused." Mr Gingrich has angrily denied his ex-wife's version of events. But in any case, that 18-year marriage ended in divorce, and Mr Gingrich is now married to the former Callista Bisek, the alleged "somebody else" of Marianne Gingrich's version of events.

Polyamory versus swinging

In interviews, people in open marriages say that although it is not for everyone, it is absolutely possible for adults to be in committed, emotionally satisfying relationships with more than one person at a time.

"Everyone needs to be on the same page," says Tristan Taormino

The preferred term is polyamory, a word coined in the early 1990s in the US in part to distinguish from swinging, in which couples approach sex with other people as a joint endeavour, or arrangements in which partners are allowed to have sex with other people without romantic attachments. "Polyamorous relationships tend to be ongoing, sustainable, emotionally bonded, committed relationships with more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved," says Anita Wagner, who says she has been in polyamorous relationships on and off for the last 15 years. "When it works, it's wonderful. It's an abundance of love and affection and experience." The keys to a successful, happy polyamorous relationship are up-front consent and negotiation of ground rules and boundaries, say relationship counsellors, sex educators and polyamorous couples. "That can range anywhere from 'you can only have sex when you go on business trips and you're out of the state', to 'you can have another girlfriend but I'm the primary partner, so I come first'," says Tristan Taormino, a sex educator, writer and feminist pornographer.

"It could be, 'I'm a gay bear leather guy, and you can't see any gay bear leather guys but me,'" says Ms Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. "It can get really down to specific minutiae like that, or it can be very broad. I really depends on the couple."

Odds of failure
Ideally, the polyamory discussion takes place in a monogamous relationship well before the start of an extramarital affair.
Continue reading the main story

Picture your best friend, only you have a romantic relationship as well
Jenny BlockWriter and polyamorist

"It would sound more like, 'I've been feeling like I've been wanting to open the marriage, can we talk about that,'" says Deborah Anapol, a San Francisco psychologist and relationship therapist who has been coaching polyamorous couples for three decades, "If there's already a pre-existing relationship, that increases the odds of failure significantly." Even couples who believe in polyamory in theory find it difficult to broach the subject. "It takes a lot of courage to look someone you love in the eye and tell them that you fancy another person, even if you've agreed already that you're going to do this," says Ms Wagner. "It's not something we're used to doing. We have no role models for this."

'Three-adult household'
Ms Block, 41, lives with her husband Christopher, a 47-year-old IT manager, and their teenage daughter. She describes Jemma, a 30-year-old copywriter, as one would a frequent houseguest and dear family friend.

Ms Wagner and her new husband Tim are not polyamorous - for now

"He is an excellent cook and he is teaching her to be an excellent cook, but I don't belong in the kitchen," she says. "We're really like a three-adult household." Describing her relationship with Jemma, she says: "I just always say picture your best friend, only you have a romantic relationship as well." Ms Block came to polyamory exactly the way people say not to do it - after cheating on her husband. After finishing university and marrying, she says that what she calls the "Cinderella path" of monogamy did not feel right to her. She knew she was bisexual, and three years into her marriage, she says, she started a relationship with a woman. When Christopher found out he was angry, not because she had had a sexual relationship with someone else, but because she had been dishonest with him, she says.

'Is this weird?'

After working it out with him, the couple shared a girlfriend for a time, then she dated other people, Ms Block says. "From the very beginning, he and I found ourselves saying, 'is this weird that it isn't weird?'" she says. "We were worried the other shoe would drop." But it didn't. Ms Block has been with Jemma for five and a half years. She and Christopher will be married for 15 years this year.

Ms Block struggles to explain how she can be satisfied with her husband, yet still want another person in her life - and her bed. "All I know is that I continue to love him and want to be married to him and want to be with him, but I also have this desire to have another partner," she says. "This is so much less about sex than people who aren't in these relationships know."

Matrimonio abierto... y feliz?

Daniel Nasaw BBC, Washington Sbado, 21 de enero de 2012

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Newt y Marianne Gingrich se divorciaron tras 18 aos de casados.

La exesposa del candidato presidencial republicano en EE.UU. Newt Gingrich dijo que su matrimonio acab despus de que ella rechazara la solicitud que le hizo el poltico de tener un "matrimonio abierto".
Personas en ese tipo de matrimonio le dijeron a la BBC que, si la versin de los hechos contada por ella es cierta, el expresidente de la Cmara de Representantes abord el tema de manera equivocada.

"Las relaciones basadas en el poliamor tienden a ser continuas, duraderas, estables, con el conocimiento y consentimiento de todos los involucrados"
Anita Wagner

Varios aos despus de su boda, Jenny Block se dio cuenta de que a pesar de que amaba a su marido y quera estar con l, necesitaba algo ms. Hoy Block, escritora, vive con Christopher en Dallas, EE.UU. Su novia, Jemma, no vive con la pareja, pero pasa mucho tiempo en la casa del matrimonio. "Ha sido mi novia y yo y mi marido y yo, y ellos son muy buenos amigos, pero no hay relaciones sexuales entre ellos," dice Block, de 41 aos de edad y autora del libro "Amor, sexo y vida en un Matrimonio Abierto". La escritora insiste en que, pese a todo, ella forma parte de una familia aburrida y rutinaria. "La diferencia es que yo tengo una segunda pareja, pero quien venga a cenar no detectar nada particular", asegura.

La "amante"
El jueves pasado, la carrera por la nominacin presidencial republicana se vio sacudida por una acusacin de infidelidad hecha por la exesposa del expresidente de la Cmara de Representantes Newt Gingrich. Marianne, la segunda esposa de Gingrich, asegur en una entrevista televisiva: "l quera un matrimonio abierto y yo me negu". Segn dijo, el acuerdo matrimonial buscaba que l pudiera mantener a su amante mientras segua casado con ella, algo que el poltico niega airadamente. En cualquier caso, los 18 aos de matrimonio con Marianne terminaron en divorcio, y Newt Gingrich est casado con quien fuera Callista Bisek, la supuesta "amante" de la versin de Marianne Gingrich.

"Poliamor"

Jenny Block insiste en que forma parte de una familia aburrida y rutinaria.

En entrevistas, las personas en matrimonios abiertos dicen que a pesar de que ese arreglo no funciona para todos, es absolutamente posible mantener de manera satisfactoria relaciones con ms de una pareja a la vez. El trmino preferido es "poliamor", una palabra acuada en la dcada de 1990 en EE.UU., para definir la prctica de parejas que tienen relaciones sexuales con otras personas sin que medien lazos de tipo romntico. "Las relaciones basadas en el poliamor tienden a ser continuas, duraderas, estables, con el conocimiento y consentimiento de todos los involucrados", dice Anita Wagner, quien las ha experimentado por los ltimos 15 aos. "Cuando funcionan son maravillosas. Abundan el amor, el afecto y la experiencia", sostiene. Las claves para que todo funcione con xito son el consentimiento y la negociacin de reglas y lmites, alegan consejeros, educadores sexuales y parejas involucradas en ese tipo de relaciones. El acuerdo puede incluir desde que una de las partes slo tenga relaciones extramatrimoniales cuando est de viaje de negocios hasta que se acepte la existencia de otra persona pero en calidad secundaria, dice Tristan Taormino, educadora sexual, escritora y feminista. Taormino, autora de "Gua para Crear y Mantener Relaciones Abiertas, asegura: "Se puede llegar realmente a acuerdos con condiciones muy especficas o se puede dejar una buen margen de apertura".

Discusin previa "Si ya existe una relacin antes de que se discuta el tema aumentan las probabilidades de fracaso de manera significativa"
Deborah Anapol, psicloga

Lo ideal sera que la discusin tenga lugar en una relacin mongama y antes del inicio de una relacin extramatrimonial. "Si ya existe una relacin antes de que se discuta el tema aumentan las probabilidades de fracaso de manera significativa", advierte Deborah Anapol, psicloga de San Francisco y terapeuta que lleva tres dcadas aconsejando a parejas abiertas. Incluso a parejas que en teora creen en el poliamor les resulta difcil abordar el tema, dice. "Se necesita mucho valor para mirar a los ojos de alguien a quien amas y decirle que te gusta otra persona, aun cuando cuando exista un acuerdo", expresa Anita Wagner. "No es algo que estamos acostumbrados a hacer. No tenemos modelos que seguir", aade.

"Lo sigo amando"

Taormino dice que el acuerdo matrimonial puede ir de lo muy especfico a lo muy general.

Jenny Block no slo vive con su marido Christopher sino tambin con su hija adolescente, y describe a su novia Jemma como husped frecuente y amiga querida por la familia. Jemma, es "mi mejor amiga, slo que tengo tambin una relacin romntica con ella". Block lleg a poliamor exactamente como se supone que no debe hacese: despus de engaar a su marido. Al terminar la universidad entr en una relacin monogma. Pero ella saba que era bisexual, y tres aos despus de su matrimonio comenz una relacin con una mujer. Cuando el esposo lo supo se enoj, no porque ella tena una relacin sexual con otra persona, sino porque haba sido deshonesta con l, explica Jenny. Despus de discutir el asunto, la pareja comparti una novia por un tiempo, y luego l sala con otras personas. Pero ahora Jenny lleva con Jemma cinco aos y medio, y Christopher "no ha salido con nadie por un tiempo", asegura. Jenny y Christopher cumplirn prximamente 15 aos de casados. "Todo lo que s es que yo lo sigo amando y quiero seguir casada con l pero a la vez deseo tener otra pareja", dice. Sin embargo, "no se trata tanto del sexo como personas que no estn en este tipo de relaciones podran suponer", agrega.