Dedicated to

K. S. For telling me writing a book was easy. Its not.

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Acknowledgements
First of all, I would like to thank God for the continuous, constant blessing he has poured out to me that has enabled me to finish this project and to give me the insights I should put in here. Also, for the events in my life that he has allowed to happened to me, so that I could share it all to my readers as a blessing for them. Second of all, I would like to thank my parents for their constant support, and nagging ;) that without it, would never allow me to finish this book on time, if not ever. Thirdly, to Ibu Angeline Ang, my personal project supervisor, whos been there to provide me with sources and counsel whenever I feel like the books progress is lagging behind, or just basically listening to me rant or panic. Thank you, Ibu. Another great thank you would be to my girls, Lydia Lee, Tara Sudarpo, Cindy Ng, Theresia Susanto, Christin Carolin, Christina Santoso, Alita Christanto, Vania Devina, and so many others that wouldnt fit this page. Thank you for the constant support and the late nights we pulled off doing our personal projects together. Also, thank you for being there with me through the experiences that I would share in this book.

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To Yoga Adwitya Affan Pradana The ultimate best guy best friend, thank you for listening to my constant rants about my everything, and yes, especially my love life, whenever I needed to, even if its 3 AM in the morning. To Andrew Park, the guy that has remained constant in my life, youre the best friend anyone would kill to get. Thank you for always listening, especially listening to me talk about how dating PP is such a dread. Lastly, to all the men that I have loved and has loved me, or at least I thought so You guys would probably be the major reason why I wrote this book. Thank you for the time, feelings, and everything that you have invested in me. Thank you for the memories and experience, and mostly, for all the lessons that our relationships has taught me. All my love, Kezia Stephanie Kintono

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Contents
Introduction .................................................................................. 6 How this book had come to be... ........................................... 6 Why is understanding love so important? ............................. 8 So what is this book telling me? .......................................... 12 The Public View ........................................................................... 13 Media .......................................................................................... 21 Social Networking Sites ....................................................... 23 Movies ................................................................................ 30 Television ............................................................................ 39 Music................................................................................... 40 Books .......................................................................................... 42 Conclusion ....................................................................... 44 Christian Perspective ............................................................. 45 Works Cited ................................................................................ 56 About The Author ....................................................................... 60

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Introduction

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Introduction
How this book had come to be...
It has been about a year or two before this book is written when the question of what love truly is has been stuck in my head. Some guy I had dated had the courage to stop a relationship and ask me this question that left me struck speechless... What are we doing? Do we know what love really means? And as any other girl who thought a relationship was fine and then was abruptly stopped by this supposedly-notshocking question, I was... in rage. I mean, why would this question come up now? After everything that we went through and the time we spent together... Its only fair if I went berserk and go to stalker mode... in which I did. Not that I recommend on doing, seriously, youd regret it. Going out with another guy just to make yourself feel better and prove to yourself you know what love means isnt the greatest idea either. Seriously. For all the sixteen years of my life, and for all those guys and times Ive dated, I think Ive practically managed to

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destroy them all. Not that I am like a relationship monster or anything, I just I think I was just too caught up with what I personally think love is with my own understanding of course and when the relationship doesnt align with my understanding (which was most of the time, if not always. Really.) I used my forces, yes, like Yoda, to transform that relationship back to what I want it to be, hence, destroying it. Im not saying that I was a bad girlfriend, I was pretty sure Im not, cause then nobody would really want to date me in the first place. I was just, going through my relationships and based it with the love I thought I knew from my own understanding. But I was wrong, I had no idea what true love truly mean. I havent got a clue as of how to show someone how much I love them other than control them to do what I want in which after you think about it, or even just read it realize that that isnt love at all. For a while I hated this question, the question Do we know what love really means? and had the scene repeat like a broken tape on my mind. But it keeps on asking me, Do I know what love really means? Perhaps maybe even, this question has lingered longer in your minds. There are a whole lot of reasons why this

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question on what truly love is may be so haunting in our minds. Heartbreak, curiosity, things... Well, this book is written to clarify all that. I want to try answering all the questions youve all had about what truly love is. From a teenager, to teenagers, about the teenagers perspective on love.

Why is understanding love so important?

However, first of all, there should be a clarification on why reading this book - or most importantly, understanding what love truly means - is important. First and foremost, understanding what love truly means sets our hearts and minds on what a proper relationship with our future boyfriend/girlfriend should be like. Too many teenagers these days risk and waste their time, reputation, money and a whole list of other things in the name of trying out what a relationship is. In which - if were all honest to ourselves - is kind of foolish. Theres a lot of yourself that could be saved instead of wasted if only you knew what a proper relationship should be prior to actually plunging yourself in a dangerous experiment on love.

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Secondly, there are so many different definitions of what love is from various sources that would ultimately at the end, confuse you. A movie would say that love is all this kind of sweet, sappy romances, and a song on the radio will proclaim on how love is based on money and other materialistic objects. Then a romance novel would tell the tale on how love would rebel against their parents and that they should die in the name of love *hint: Shakespeare*. But then the gossip pages of your favorite magazines has the word break up and divorced on it, talking about how couples are after just a few months or years of I will love you forever. Its confusing, not to mention defrauding us with their concept of love. We should be aware of this fraud and protect ourselves. Well didnt I sound like a paranoid? Thirdly, without understanding what love is, many implications may arise. Not to mention heartbreak being one of them and all the things that come from it... like you know, not eating, not talking to others, excessive crying, unnecessary ranting, etc. You see my point. Fourthly, we could be defrauded, or even defraud someone else. Our understanding of love can be

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different with our significant other, and that misunderstanding could sometimes bring up the worst of the relationship. Another reason would be is that without the proper understanding of what love truly is, we will constantly make the same mistake over and over again. If we understand that true love can only come from Christ and not from a relationship, then out of being secure in Gods love will we respond appropriately. The root of many sins is also not understanding and rebelling from the love of our Heavenly Father. The better we know and accept His love, the more will we not accept the counterfeit forms of love. Additionally, not understanding what love is could also waste our time. Being distracted by the so called love requires us to invest our time significantly. Whereas, as teenagers, we have so many things going on that also requires a lot of attention and time. School is a huge thing, as well as family, not to mention community involvement and other extracurricular activities you might have. But he/hes in the same activities as I am... you might argue. Well, okay, but imagine participating in a dance

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club with your boyfriend/girlfriend. How many of the hours you spent participating in that club is spent only with your boyfriend/girlfriend? How many hours are spent with the whole group? The majority would honestly answer that yes, they would spend most of the time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Why isnt this recommended thing? Well, were teenagers. From thirteen -the age where we officially became teenagers- until approximately, seventeen, is a short period of time that goes by pretty quickly. Would you really like to spend most of your time in your socially prime four years of your life with just one person? While instead, that time could be used to socialize with much more people. Im not saying dont date, but to understand that love isnt all about spending every single minute with them, an understanding that is hard to accept by us teenagers. Lastly, another consequence of not understanding what love truly means might be the endless fighting and misunderstanding. Having the oh-so-many definitions and understanding of love available for beliefs, its destructive to have differing understandings in a relationship.

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Ultimately, however, it is important to understand the proper understanding of love, because God has designed relationships, and if we do it His way, things will go well.

So what is this book telling me?

Well, I hope that through this book, I can answer some questions regarding teenage dating relationships, give a clear understanding of what love truly is, and to basically renew teenagers perspective on love. It will analyze the current perception of teenagers and the public, to convey how most of it is screwed up and to analyze the media and what its telling us about love. Additionally, I will try to deduce the meaning of love, Biblically, in the words of a teenager so that we may understand plainly what love means.

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The Public View

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The Public View

There is probably an unlimited number of websites that talks about love, whether its an official informational site or just merely someones private blog, the topic of love is discussed, analyzed, commented, observed and contemplated by the public. According to a website, love is ... [what] bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt (Webb). Things like how we show love are even written about, telling the public that to show love, despite it not being an exact science is acknowledged to be required as an action follow up to the simple phrase, I love you. (Nea). Things such as forehead kisses, making an All About You day for your loved one, use cute pet names, romantic picnics to even not complaining when he leaves the toilet seat up and writing a fairytale about how you two met are deemed as how to show love (Nea). I have surveyed about 100 teenagers from the age of 12-18, from various nationalities and religion and when asked most of them has said that love is an uncontrollable emotion. Most of the Christians

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surveyed gives the Biblical answer of 1 Corinthians 13, and some of the younger boys blatantly said sex. Is this what love is to you? Is love by the public perceived to be just some kind of emotion or sex? Even with 1 Corinthians 13, what does it really mean anyway? A thirteen year old girl Ive asked what love is to her said Love is being happy with someone. Another girl said that love is an attraction to someone that makes us happy. Ironically, however, when theyre heartbroken, and it makes them unhappy, they still call it love. I guess we teenagers either have no clue what love is or are just indecisive. Another interesting statistic I have found is that 93% of the people I surveyed believed that love can survive through time. Another odd thing is, about half of that skeptic 7% believed that love was sex. This perhaps would then bring us to a guess, an educated one at least. Kids that believed that sex is love or love is sex would probably be more skeptical on love,

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while others would see it as a romantic and divine power. Still revolving around the idea of love is sex, from the survey I conducted, 85% of the people that said that love is sex are boys, and all the boys in this percentages age is between 13 and 15. Perhaps this trend happens because as young boys, especially at this age where puberty has just started to kick in, sex has became a prominent aspect in their life. Perhaps. Maybe. Thats our only assumptions. Interestingly, 71% of these teenagers Ive surveyed have said that at the age of 13-17, theyre not serious about dating. Which is weird because theyre the same group of people that 93% of them believed in the optimism and power of love. Perhaps its not correlated, but it might be in some aspects. When people have high hopes and optimism in something, they would tend to be more serious about it. But not in love. Its different.

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Maybe we do believe in how great that power of love could be, but we also believe that were not the kind of people that gets the chance to experience that greatness. Yes, apparently, were quite pessimistic. Another thing is that people everywhere says the goal of dating is to get married. However, most of the teenagers, about a huge 90% says that theyre not even considering marriage at this age. Which is kind of weird, keeping in mind that most of them has dated. So apparently, for the majority of teenagers, dating is just about having fun and not taking anything seriously. Fair enough. Its the public opinion. I will talk about that later on in this book. Another question I had ask was what was the most significant influence to your understanding of love. What I found out was pretty guessable. The main two factors are past experience and the media. Past experience are self explanatory. But media thats a huge thing. The exploitation of sex and relationships and how scandalous it is portrayed to be is entertaining,

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yes. However, on the other hand as well its terrifying how our understanding is influenced. And from all those media, the most influential are movies. That scared me even more. Not that there are horror films, no. Its scary because movies are created to entertain, and therefore theyre intentionally created and written out to be scandalous and unrealistic, not to mention full of drama. Were shaping our relationships to be like those movies. Wishing that the person we date is as hot as Rosie Huntington from Transformers. Or as cute as Logan Lerman. Or as adorable as Ryan Reynolds. Not that theres anything wrong with it but its kind of unhealthy to set the standards as someone who has probably received professional make up and training to own the looks like that. With real people? Sorry to say, not all people are shaped and formed that way. There are other reasons as well that I would explain on later on in this book. But as for now, it could be seen that the teenagers general perspective is very, very varied. Not to mention that their understanding could change any day and doesnt make sense at times. Not to mention that most

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of them are not even close to the real meaning. Were deluded, guys. Lets try and get a new perspective and perception on love.

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The Media

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Media
To begin with, we have to understand that theres a lot going on in the mass media. Magazines, music, movies, social media, books... They all in a way or another, influence how we as teenagers perceive love. Being constantly bombarded by the medias message about love and relationships, we begin to take the medias definition as ourselves. However, the danger is that often we teenagers do not realize the potential harm it may give to us by adopting these definitions and concepts.

The fact that we are all immersed by this fear of being disconnected; we fear that we're alone is a reason why our living rooms are centered around the TV - in which we all know can bring us all together - and why we have our phone by us 24/7, and freak out if the battery's dying. Media - cell phones, internet, TV, video games, and music - and technology aids our relationships with others by bringing us, somewhat - closer together. However, there is a side effect; we're spending a great deal amount of time being engaged in this cyber realm and a terrifyingly decreasing time with each other in

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reality. Experts are just in the tip of a sunken iceberg in trying to fathom how the fast-paced and continuously changing technology will impact our relationships and perception of love in the long term. The way people everywhere has fell in love, connect in a relationship, and experience sex has been revolted through media and technology. Questions such as what does a proper online long distance relationship should look like starts to arise. And nobody has the answers.

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Social Networking Sites

Social networking sites are one of the top sites that teenagers visit when theyre online. Users of these sites are allowed to interact with other users by the ability to add friends, share whats on your mind, send messages and comment on your friends profile pages. It looks like its harmless, a fun thing to do, and a great way to use the internet. However, what seems like fun could potentially endanger the mindset of teenagers, as well as their relationships. Twitter is the trend these days, being easily accessed through mobile phones, writing 140 character messages becomes the norm, quickly replacing the need to talk on the phone as a way to communicate with others. Exchanges of short messages from your phone or your computer has substituted the need to go outside and actually meeting people. The chart below is from OkCupid, a dating site which has 7 million active members, where they derive this charts data from. Perhaps, this trend is caused by people substituting meeting others in real life to mere messages in Twitter and its instantly done. This trend occurs perhaps due to people replacing substantial dates where you learn about each other

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through various activities with just merely short message exchanges. The quality of what relationships has been degraded ever since technology had took over.

Long were those days when long distance relationships require the enthralling wait of letters, the excitement to

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meet the person you love in person All that courting of the old days, the days that perhaps our parents would know, has changed, to the present that has allowed us to communicate instantly with our loved ones, thanks to the internet and technological advancements. Weve taken communication a vital aspect of a relationship for granted. Weve taken whats important and deem it as something thats too easy to be done, instant and easy. Blackberries, iPhones, iPads, ultra thin laptops have eased the access to the internet, allowing people to communicate freely, instantly and easily. Not realizing that this replaces real communication.

Being a large platform for social networking and communication, Twitter has reached 175 million users over 2010 (Michael). However, Twitter is reputable to be the worst culprit of killing off romance due to containing so many throwaway comments from our daily lives. You dont really think about what youre saying, what youre publishing for all your followers or the whole world to know and access. Your twitter page is a place where most probably, the whole aspect of your personality can be seen.

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Having said this, the person youd probably just starting to date can see the whole you, learning about you in a way that you probably dont hope for. Not only Twitter, Facebook is another large social networking platform that allows us to post Whats on your mind? as what the homepage says. But Facebook allows us to do so much more than just that. Photos and videos of ourselves, links that we like, the places that weve been to, who our friends and relatives are, are amongst the information that are posted in our Profile pages, for our friends to access. This begins the phenomenon of cyber stalking, where we teenagers begin to consider the people were friends with to be crush-worthy by exploring their Facebook page. And after we decide that he/she is, we would be opening their Facebook page, if not once every other day, to every single day an unclosed tab in our browser. And yes, I must admit, I have done that a couple of times and I know many teenagers who does the same. We are monitoring their every status update, their photos, the people that comment and write on their walls. Yes, I know youve done the deed. Except perhaps if youre a guy, which would probably be

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different, but I wouldnt really know, my guy friends wont confess when asked. With all that stalking and information youve gained about that person youve been crushing on Yes, perhaps it will help you to know what topics to talk about, or what clubs to join cause you know theyre there, or know how much you guys have in common. But, remember way back when couples would talk on dates about all that stuff? Just saying. Theres a great deal of stuff that could be gained from dates and instead, were gaining all this information from our stalking skills. It seems like a waste, isnt it? Could you imagine your first date to be like this: Boy: So what do you like to do on your spare time? Girl: Well, I really like to Boy: - write right? Girl: Well, um, yes. Howd you know that? Boy: Well, youve written a lot on your blog, and Facebook notes, and you have a massive amount of tweets, and Girl: Wait, how did you know about my blog? Boy: Well, your blogs url is written in your Facebook page. I read it just a couple of times to know more about you.

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So um, okay. He knew way too much about her prior to their first date. He confidently flaunts his great, freaky-toher knowledge about her. And yes, maybe this conversation would be too awkward to have. Maybe the guy would just pretend he had a lucky guess. But that doesnt mean that this conversation might not happen when either one of you or even both of you, has done their homework before going on your first date. Im not saying that this is a wrong way to start off a first date, but youre taking away the chances of creating an awesome, interactive, filled with amazing conversations date. For example, Boy: So what do you like to do on your spare time? Girl: Well, I really like to write. But most of them are really personal. Some of my close friends says theyre really good though, but Im still not so sure. Boy: Well, Im sure your writing is great! You should really try to get them published in the schools newspaper. Girl: Aww, really? You think so? Im scared that people would judge my writing if it ever gets published in the schools newspaper. Boy: Its okay, I believe in you and your writing. Youd do great.

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Well then, that boy has just earned so many awesome boyfriend points. Even if he knew she was a good writer, letting your date tells you herself about her passion and whatever, could earn you awesome future boyfriend/girlfriend points. I guess the greatest concern would be that with the ever improving technology and social media available, we are now able to get what we want online than what we used to only be able to get in the physical reality. When talked about the internet, pornography would be the first thing pointed out as an issue. However, that isnt all that there is. With the ease of communication that is enabled by the internet, people feel like that there is little to no harm in participating in electronic forms of sex, such as cyber sex and others. The reality is however, there is still so much hurt that had been caused by online flirting or affairs, that has proved to destroy existing, real relationships. Not to mention others.

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Movies
Going to the movies has become a somewhat of a routine for teenagers. A destination for a date, or to hang out with friends, or to just merely watch the recent flick being promoted everywhere. But the world is most concerned about what are in these movies we watch. Yes, there are movies that are said to be romance movies. But, Im sorry, Im still not seeing what its truly meant to love by having a very, very complicated relationship where the girl is exuberantly rich, and the guy is just a middle class laborer that went to the army to fight for his country and then returned back home to find that the woman of his dreams is engaged to some other guy. Yes, Ive watched them. And yes, Ive said, Oh God, I want a guy as romantic as that one! and the occasional, Ryan Gosling, marry me! But then again, I have realized that it wouldnt happen. Yes, even with all my cries. But then theres the romance movie that is just way too sexy for a romance movie. Im going to quote a movie scene, from a movie I know most of you have seen and love, Friends With Benefits.

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What dont they ever make a movie about what happens after the big kiss? They do. Its called porn.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Well, jokes aside, there are those other movies ironically, Friends With Benefits included that actually shows what happens after the big kiss. Another movie that came almost together with this movie - and weirdly

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have a similar storyline as well No Strings Attached has definitely shown what happens after the big kiss. Or before the big kiss. Eitherway, it was a sex filled movie. Should I go on to other movies? Anne Hathaway rocked her body in nude with Jake Gyllenhaal in Love and Other Drugs. Yes, inarguably, Annes hot. But, for a movie with the word love on the title, should more than 30% of this movie be about Anne and Jake having sex? Or how theyre filming their love making, or how Annes nude body looks? Next up, would be The Black Swan, I watched this movie in the hopes that I would see awesome ballet moves, since I was in ballet myself. My ballet teacher had recommended it herself, saying that theyve employed one of the best ballet schools in the world to do most of the dances. I should say spoiler alert here first I guess, if you havent already watched it. It was then awkward, however when the Ballet coach/teacher or head guy whatever who was weirdly, really old starts groping Natalie Portmans character. Or, even, Natalie Portmans masturbating scene. Or, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis lesbian kissing scene.

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Um. Okay. I feel weird typing all this. But then again, I felt even weirder watching it. As a ballet dancer myself, watching this movie was awkward, since the point of the movie was on how being sexually active could actually make you into a more passionate dancer. I wouldnt really know how that would be true or applicable though whatsoever. But returning to my concerns and the worlds the message of this movie has implied that being sexually active, or sexually involved would allow you to achieve a better you, a better achieving you. Which you know, probably isnt related at all. Returning our attentions back to the movies Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached how their plotlines would probably to the conservative Christians would be regarded as outrageous Well, I have to be honest, I like Natalie Portman, and Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis, and maybe a bit of Justin Timberlake and his sexyback. But. It does give a thought in my mind though, is uncommitted, sex only relationship would eitherway somehow, someway lead back to love? Its romantic,

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no matter how clich it is. But then again, its ultimately defrauding. The same goes with one night stands. Sex can never be just sex. No matter how much you insist. Girls, would ultimately crave for more than just that. Yes, girls would love being wanted. They would even want to be wanted. Girls Im sorry if you take this as offensive, but this is true we thrive in attention, love, and care. Its basically what were made of to live with. Boys, on the other hand, constant sex without feelings it would eventually ended up feeling super empty. Sex will not fill in the hole inside of you, it wouldnt make you into a complete man. Sex, wouldnt be able to cover up for your own inner hurt.

Another issue would be on the fairy tale that we get deluded in through these movies. Yes, Ive watched all the Disney princess movies, and Barbie movies, and countless other sappy romances that believes that Prince Charming can just come and sweep you off your feet without any need to invest in building yourself.

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Not saying that wouldnt happen. I mean. I would love for that to happen I mean, who doesnt? The scare is that theres an overemphasis on love that is being encouraged by the media through movies. Ideas like how true love conquers all, how prince charming is always perfect, etc is defrauding. Yes, its amazing if it happens to you, but we have to keep in mind on the reality that this doesnt always happen to everybody. Sorry girls. Or guys. Its deluded. This view is deluded. But yeah, sure, everybody knows that real love doesnt work this way. However, these constant images being bombarded to us has in a way or another affected our hopes for romance setting super high expectations for how girls should dress or how guys should be so gentle and continually give in for their dates interest. But then again, as Ive said before, this isnt what the reality looks like. Having these kinds of expectations would ultimately guarantee you disappointment day by day. Romance movies has deluded us in thinking that our relationship is supposed to be mind-blowingly amazing, with great sex, passionate and constantly exciting. When

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the reality of the relationship is otherwise, we begin to wonder if something is wrong with it when most probably, youre just like any other normal couple out there. If anyone has ever told you, that any healthy relationship will consist a sprinkle of arguments, theyre right! A relationship that has nothing to argue about is probably a fake one. Because even the sweetest couple argues. Yes, I understand that having a relationship with someone that is stress-free, arguments-free and constantly passionate and exciting is the dream, and is way more desirable than the reality. But then again, its delusional. Sorry to say. As teenagers growing into adulthood, we should be able to learn how to differenciate the delusional, over emphasized love with the healthy, realistic love. Adults should be even better at doing so. However, the common spectacle has proved to be otherwise, as we consume the medias perception on love, its becoming more frequent to see how relationships including marriage, not just dating has been based by selfish desires and personal fulfillment to have a constantly exciting, passionate relationship the kind of relationships seemed to be shown in our typical movies nowadays. When the sparks of the excitement

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starts to fade away however, they begin to question whether the love is gone or have they fallen out of love. This, perhaps would be the reason why divorce rates are increasing. Maybe. It gets harder when realistic romance and love is fighting hard to compete with the expectations set at French kissing in the rain and any of those Nicholas Sparks book based movie (note that I never said Nicholas Sparks isnt good, theyre awesome). Its just really hard, if we want to avoid the word impossible. Therefore, just as visual pornography has set an unrealistic standard for sex, romance movies has become an emotional pornography, setting up unrealistic standards for romance (Kircher). But then again, there are those movies that stands in the borderline between a romance movie and a soft core pornography. Subconsciously, our expectations of sexuality are affected. Sex is expected to always be passionate and satisfactory. This has affected the teenage generation so greatly that they have entered marriage and adulthood wrestling with their sexuality. It was confusing where people would see how strangers could directly have mind blowing sex, where in their marriage, they learnt that however good their sex was, it wasnt as mind blowing as they expected.

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See. The movies we watched have screwed our expectations. Im not going to say watching movies is bad or would hinder us from happy relationships in the future. What Im saying is that we should be careful in letting what influence us, let alone what influence us in the concept of love.

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Television
Remember back when we were just kids? Seeing a couple kiss on TV would call for at least an ew or even a disgusted face from us. Even in Disney movies, I remember thinking Why would she kiss him? As we grow up, certain things begin to change. We no longer wonder why a guy would kiss a girl, or be disgusted by couples being all cute and cuddly and show (too much) PDA on TV. Not only that, we begin to learn how to converse with our crushes, how to flirt, to kiss, to understand what sex and love is through the mass medium of the television. This begins the huge concern regarding teenagers and the TV shows they watch. We are constantly being exposed to the Hollywoods idea of romance and sexual innuendos and references. The American Psychological Association had come up with an outstanding number of about 14,000 sexual references and innuendos on TV per year are exposed to teenagers (Media Influence). If you watch TV every single day in which I know some of you do thats about 38 sexual references and innuendos exposed to you per day. The crazy part is, we feel like its okay. So what if we understand sexual references and innuendos? We learn

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to laugh about it and then apply it to our own daily jokes and conversations. But no, the effect of that constant over exposure brings up another statistic, that three out of four teenagers says that TV shows makes teenagers having sex no longer a taboo, but yet, a natural occurrence that is regarded as normal. When our views of sex and chastity has been degraded, when our values of morality and abstinence is considered at loss, what will become of our generation?We have to admit for a fact that television shows are where we learn most of our understanding of love and sex. However, what we should take into consideration is whether the views that these shows portray is the truth, or a part of a mere fantasy that some guy wrote? We, as teenagers should mature up and try to learn how to differentiate which views should be regarded as the truth.

Music
All of us seem to have iPods these days, if not, a mobile phone with a ton amount of music.

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But the music these days is filled with lyrics on how depressing love and losing love could be or how awesome it is to have sex. Or how much you know someone wants you. Is this what love really has come to be? Not to degrade the quality of pop culture music, but theres way too many songs that just messes the meaning of love.

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Books
There are so many books these days that tries to explain to us teenagers what is it like to love, to flirt, to have sex, and what all romance does to our minds. Yes, we are hormone filled teens, craving for information to satisfy our curiosity on how to deal with this excitement that we contain. Im a frequent bookshop visitor, since I live quite nearby to a really good one, and therefore, I kind of have a clue on what books are available and what interests me and sometimes the friends I go there with. So yes, you could say I know exactly what kind of books we teenagers look at. Generally, we look at the novels, whether its about teenage romance, sparkly vampires, a wizard, etc. Okay. But then I look at the other bookshoppers that are there in the teenage romance sections, there were kids that were as young as 12, picking up books that was about infidelity, cheating, sex, lust, and the like. What. To be honest, Ive read some of those books, and being fifteen, I dont even think Im at a suitable age to read all that.

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And yes, I was influenced for a bit back then, wishing my love story would be like The Notebook, or Dear John, or A Walk To Remember minus me dying of course and well basically any other Nicholas Sparks novel. But then, I realized something. I shouldnt be wishing that my love storys like that. That would mean that God isnt as creative as He should be. I I mean, man, He created the world and everything in it, including us, and Nicholas Sparks, the author of all this great romances were sobbing at as we read. How can a God that creative, create a love story for you thats exactly the same as someones imaginations? Or like someone elses? Every love story including yours would be a unique, beautiful, great story. Because not only would you be the star of the story and its unique, its real. So girls and perhaps guys quit the whole day dreaming on how Ryan Gosling is going to ride a boat with you in a lake filled with swans (no matter how dreamy and awesome that fantasy is). Gods writing the prologue of your love story now. Enjoy your teenage years without worrying and hoping for something delusional.

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Conclusion
Media isnt bad, or evil, or destructive, or a monster you think it is after reading this chapter. Its justmisused. When society urges people to utilize technology to take control and get what they want sexually, when media says love is never ending happiness and when gadgets pull everyone away from loved ones rather than bringing them together, how does anyone find a measure of balance and healthiness in their love life? Kircher, Jake

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The Christian Perspective

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Christian Perspective
I have had the chance to interview three pastors, who all Ive known personally and are willing to share to me about their opinions in regards to this topic. Most pastors wouldve agreed that dating at this age isnt necessarily appropriate, but these pastors have provided their time and insight for this book. Pastor Yohannes Tamburian, a Pentacost Indonesian pastor, when asked about should the Christian teen date has directly said no due to a not yet mature age. He feels that dating for teenagers is dangerous since it could harm not only yourself, but also others. He also suggests that at this age we should just focus on building pure friendships instead of dating. Pastor Seth S. Kim the Lead Pastor of Harvest Mission Community Church (HMCC) of Ann Arbor, Michigan said that this question on whether Christian teens should date is a highly debatable question. There are people who say yes and there are also people that say no. According to him however, the best way to answer it is to see if it is something that will be beneficial (1 Corinthians 6:12; 10:23). As a teenager, there would of course be a lot of developmental issues and sometimes having a relationship with the opposite sex isnt the best situation.

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For those who have dated he would say that if they broke up, then they need to receive restoration because many people have been hurt from a failed relationship. Another pastor from HMCC of Jakarta, Pastor Andrew Jun also discourage Christian teenagers to date because most teenagers arent even close to being spiritually, personally, and relationally mature enough to handle the goal of dating or courting which is to get married with that person or even just a healthy dating relationship. However, if theyre dating now, I wouldnt force him/her to stop, but I would counsel him/her to reconsider whether its something that honors God and benefits him/her, said this Korean-American pastor. However, Ive also spoken to some other adults couples who have been married for decades and couples that have only been married for a couple of years, and as well as single adults. According to them, the only proper time for you to start dating is when youre looking for someone you want to spend your life with and when you know its time for a covenant relationship. Not only should we have that proper mindset about relationships, we are also given a precaution. A precaution that tells us to be careful how we use people dont experiment on love. Its a sensitive, serious issue and it isnt an issue to play around with.

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We dont want the person were marrying to be used right? Apparently, however, this is how the current dating scene seem to be, teenagers throwing the word love like its just some other meaningless word. We dont understand the magnitude of seriousness the word love brings. We dont understand the complete scheme of saying I love you to someone may imply. Were using each other to just satisfy our sexual desires and pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Were testing the waters of romance and dating, unsure of what it really means. Were testing, exploring everything, anything that might be right or wrong. This confusing scheme is what the dating scene is currently. When preceded with the next question on what are their opinions on the current dating scene, they have all agreed that it is pretty unhealthy. Not only it is against Biblical values, but it also promotes intimacy without commitment, in contrary to marriage which promotes commitment and then intimacy. So when people get too intimate emotionally, physically, and spiritually with someone who most likely wouldnt be their spouse, it causes a lot of damage on a person definitely. Not even a maybe here.

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Pastor Seth commented that the current dating scene is a reflection of the secular world that doesnt know Christ. With all the hook-ups, casual dating, and dysfunctionalities it is hurting teens more than anything else. There are just too many broken hearts and lives that Ive encountered to deny that our current system of dating is broken, Pastor Andrew has added. What is then Biblically right in dating? The comment given by Pastor Andrew is that he supports marriage, which is totally Biblical: for a man and a woman to commit to be together before God and the community around them. For people to get married there has to be that period when that man and woman will explore that mutual love interest. This is more of whats a traditional courtship rather than dating but regardless the terminology, most of what our current dating system is broken. But what does this period of time should be like? Well, it should at least hold the principle of honoring one another and also never making that person an idol. Only Christ can take the place of pre-eminence. Dating the Christian way should be chivalrous, which means, youre putting others first. It isnt selfish, the

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relationship is not about you. Instead, its all about God and giving. We live in a fallen world, and therefore, nothing is ideal. Proper relationships will always have conflict, and if were committed, were going to be willing to talk about it. Commitment is required when youre preparing yourself for a sacred covenant in marriage, and marriage isnt a game, its a serious decision. Thats why we should take relationships with the opposite sex seriously. God has designed relationships, and therefore if we do it according to His way, things will go well. This Biblical definition should be the basis of a couples relationship. Without this Biblical definition of love, relationships will not last. If we dont, were playing around with the love which is a serious thing, by the way and would not only hurt ourselves, but also others. So how is the Biblical definition differ to others, you might ask? Well, a simple example on how the Bible contradicts societys views of love and relationships is how most people say that they fell in love and they either feel it or dont. But love from the Bible and love that Jesus Christ has modeled is totally not a feeling at all it is

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based on covenant and sacrifice and servanthood and commitment. Loving whole heartedly and not disrespecting others is the simplest way to put what the Biblical definition of love is. But of course, 1 Corinthians 13 would give you great insight on what the Bibles definition is, as well as John 10; 15:13; 1 John 3:16-20. A key passage would also be 1 John 4:8: God is love. While in the Old Testament, love is often represented as hesed, which means Gods steadfast, merciful, loyal and covenantal love. Knowing this, our dating life should be influenced. How? Well, it comes down to simple obedience. If we would obey what God has commanded us then we will definitely have a better understanding of what true love is. Pastor Andrew commented that too often dating has been more self-centered than anything. True love as defined by the Bible and as modeled by Jesus is otherscentered. Darting and any human relationships should be marked by this if you profess to be a follower of Christ.

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Regarding the media and how it influence us, he added that the medias portrayal of romantic love is way wrong; media portrays love as self-centered, superficial, feelings based, and non-committal. There is, however, the occasional movie where theres some aspect of Gods love right, but its rare. Our understanding of love should always be informed by the Bible; and we must discern whether the medias portrayal of love is true or not. Our relationship with God can also relate to how we relate to others romantically. The more you love Christ and understand his love for you, the more you will be able to love others better anyone. We also have to make sure that we first find satisfaction with Christ or we will just end up substituting our relationship with Jesus with someone else. Relationships that lead to marriage can demonstrate Gods biblical love for us (Ephesians 5). Unlike the media that sells mostly only the exciting parts of love, theres a God-given purpose of love that is more than just the excitement. Biblically, love is about loving the other person and giving to them. Marriage in itself is not a give and take thing. Its a give and give and give and give and give.

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Another misconception would be how we think that marriage is all about finding the right one and being all romantic. Its not. Marriage is primarily hardwork, not romance. Shocking isnt it? Theres also too much sin that has been caused by not understanding Gods will for us in our relationships. Sexual sins is prominent, but theres also other sins such as lying to your parents if youre having a backstreet relationship or basically just ignoring all your friends just because of how much time you spend with your significant other. But lets talk about sexual sin here, what if youve committed it? Is there redemption? What if I youve feel so guilty to the point of no return? First and foremost, we have to understand that there is always redemption for those who earnestly want it, for Gods love is merciful and full of grace. Sin is sin. There isnt any big sin or small sin, or any sin that God cant possibly forgive. Secondly, yes, perhaps youve gone deep down and feel that guilt panging inside of you. Knowing that what youve done has crossed the line to the point of no return. However, you need to realize this truth. Yes, you

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cant change your past. And yes, you cant change how what youve done affect others and the way others see you. Yes, you cant possibly completely forget everything that has happened to you But, with earnest repentance, there is a way out. Gods love for you is so great, so abundant, so merciful and so filled with grace. That even when youve messed up so much Hes still there for you, loving you. Hell always have your back. Theres always hope. Perhaps you cant see it now, but theres a purpose in everything (Romans 8:28). And for how others see you and judge you? Well, all you can do is prove to them that youre not that person they think you are (or perhaps anymore) and ultimately show the power of Gods merciful love and forgiveness to them. By now probably youre overwhelmed by this overChristian thing. But let me assure you, that understanding the Bibles definition of love is important. Because When your relationships center isnt Christ what is?

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We have to reflect back on what our relationships revolve around, based on and centered at.

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Works Cited
Brians, Paul. "Romanticism." Washington State University Pullman, Washington. 11 Mar. 1998. Web. 28 July 2011. <http://public.wsu.edu/~brians/hum_303/romanticism. html>. Courtship vs. Dating, viewed July 21 2011, http://www.momof9splace.com/court.html Cox, T. (2005), Pocket Superflirt,Dorling Kindersley Limited, London, Great Britain. Deem, R., Love Defined (by the Bible), viewed July 21 2011, <http://www.godandscience.org/love/biblicallove.html > Elliot, E. (2002), Passion & Purity, Revell, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA Fabry, C. (1997), The H.I.M. Book, Waterbrook Press, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA Feldhahn, Jeff, and Eric Rice. For Young Men Only: a Guy's Guide to the Alien Gender. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah, 2008. Print. Hall, Sharon H. "Problems With Social Networking and Teens - Life123." Problems With Social Networking and Teens. Life123. Web. 02 Jan. 2012. <http://www.life123.com/parenting/tweens-

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teens/social-networking/issues-with-teens-and-socialnetworking.shtml>. Harris, J. (1997), I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA Hautman, J. (updated February, 2008), What is Love?, viewed July 5 2011, <http://www.selfcreation.com/love/what_is_love.htm> James, John Angell. "The Properties of Christian Love." Christian Love, or the Influence of Religion upon Temper. Web. 28 July 2011. <http://www.gracegems.org/21/christian_love05.htm>. James, John Angell. "The Pre-Eminence of Love." Christian Love, or the Influence of Religion upon Temper. Web. 28 July 2011. <http://www.gracegems.org/21/christian_love17.htm>. Jun, Andrew. Email Interview. 6 Oct. 2011 Kim, Seth S. Email interview. 22 Sept. 2011

Kircher, Jake, and Melissa Kircher. "RELEANT Magazine Does Media Distort Love?"RELEVANT Magazine - God. Life. Progressive Culture. 12 Apr. 2011. Web. 3 Jan. 2012. <http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relations hip/features/25275-distorting-love>.
Lahaye, T. (1991), Opposites Attract, Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon, USA

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Ludy, E. (2004), When God Writes Your Love Story, Multnomah Books, Colorado Sprigs, Colorado, USA Love-Sessions Relationship and Love Advice: What is Love, (copyright 2010), viewed July 5 2011,< http://www.love-sessions.com/whatislove.htm > Mahoney, K. (copyright 2011), Advice For Parents: When Your Christian Teens Starts Dating Or Starts Thinking About It, viewed July 21, 2011, <http://christianteens.about.com/od/parentresourcecent er/a/parentdatingadv.htm> "Media Influence on Youth." Crisis Connection, Inc. Web. 13 Dec. 2011. <http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/teens/media_influ ence_on_youth.htm>. Michael, John. "The Influence of Social Media in Relationships and Social Interaction | Love & Relationship." Free Love Advice | Free Relationship Advice | Free Self Improvement Advice. 26 July 2011. Web. 28 July 2011. <http://www.lovevirtue.com/LoveRelationship/the-influence-of-social-media-inrelationships-and-social-interaction.html>. Naik, A. (2004), Flirtology, Hodder Children's Books, London, Great Britain Nea, (updated September 29, 2010), 75 Ways To Show Love In Relationships, viewed July 5 2011, <http://blog.selfimprovement-saga.com/2010/09/ways-to-show-love/>

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Rayuso. "Mass Media Influence on Society." Rayuso on HubPages. Web. 28 July 2011. <http://rayuso.hubpages.com/hub/Mass-MediaInfluence-on-Society>. Thomas, G. (2000), Sacred Marriage, Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA

Thomas, Joe. "Social Networking Sites' Effect on Relationships Among College Students."Yahoo Voices. Yahoo!, 1 Oct. 2007. Web. 27 Dec. 2011. <http://voices.yahoo.com/socialnetworking-sites-effect-relationships-among570142.html?cat=41>.
Tamburian, Yohanes. Email interview. 24 Sept. 2011 VanOverloop, R. (updated 16 July 2000), Sex and Dating in the Christian Life, viewed July 21 2011, <http://www.prca.org/pamphlets/pamphlet_16.html> Webb, M. P., (copyright 2001), What Is Love? - A Biblical View, viewed July 21 2011, <http://www.loveofchrist.info/church/love.html> What Does Love Mean? See How 4-8 Year-Old Kids Describe Love, (copyright 2011), viewed July 5 2011,< http://www.thingsaboutlove.com/what-does-love-mean >

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About The Author

Kezia Stephanie Kintono was born on the 3 rd of November, 1995. Shes currently undertaking her high school classes in Sekolah Pelita Harapan International. She resides in Lippo Village with her parents and younger brother, along with eight of her pet guinea pigs named Kovu, Kiara, Kenzo, Kimiko, Karra, Kasey, Krispy, Kreme and Kivy in who she likes to spend her time with. Many of her friends has believed that she should be a love doctor, or advisor, or whatever. Despite, you know, her super messy love life.