PINTERS PINTA

BY MARTIN MALONE

Martin Malone 110 Shirley Street Hove East Sussex BN3 3WG Tel: 07974 978505 email: martin@maddogfilms.co.uk

Fade in: A plain, shabby, front room with a central window, sparse decor and a couple of armchairs with coffee table central. A small closet stands in the corner next to a sideboard upon which is an old record player and a large stuffed bird. There are a couple of cheap reproductions of famous paintings on the walls. Papers, magazines and books are strewn about. A door leading to the kitchen is on the right. The hallway is to the left. Two men sit in the armchairs, reading newspapers. LEN is 40. MICK is 38. The stereo is playing the end of a song from the 70s which begins to jump repeatedly. Mick looks up from his paper at Len. Then back to his paper. He looks up toward the stereo then back to his paper. He looks up once more at Len then gets up and turns the stereo off. He returns to his seat. Mick glances out the window. MICK Do you think I should wear my coat? Len looks up. LEN Do I think you should wear your coat? MICK If were going outside. LEN But its not cold. MICK Well its not hot. Len looks out the window. LEN You dont need a coat. MICK I could wear my blue one. LEN Which blue one? 1

MICK The blue one. With the zip. LEN Your blue one? MICK And the furry collar. LEN Your blue coat with the zip and furry collar? Yes. MICK

LEN Thats not a blue coat. What? MICK

LEN Thats not a coat. MICK What do you mean? LEN The blue one? Yes. MICK

LEN With the zip? And furry collar? MICK Thats the fella. LEN Thats never a coat. MICK What are you talking about? Its a jacket. Is it? LEN MICK

LEN Its a jacket. Its not a coat.

Isnt it?

MICK

LEN Its never a coat. MICK I call it my blue coat. Why? LEN

MICK Ive always called it my blue coat. LEN Thats never a coat. MICK In fact youve always heard me call it my blue coat. Have I? Yes! Pause. Len thinks a moment. Funny. It is funny. LEN MICK LEN MICK

LEN No. Funny that I dont remember hearing you call your blue jacket your blue coat. MICK Well, yes, that is funny. Whats wrong with you? LEN Whats wrong with me? MICK Whats wrong with your memory? LEN Whats wrong with my memory? Yes. MICK

LEN Whats wrong with my memory? MICK Thats what Im asking. LEN Whys my memory in question? Well- it is. Why? MICK LEN

MICK Because you dont remember. LEN Are you sure? I- what? MICK

LEN Are you sure I dont remember? MICK Well how can I be sure you dont remember. Only you can be sure. Surely. LEN Are you sure its me that doesnt remember. Or you? Me? MICK

LEN Perhaps you never called your blue jacket my blue coat in my earshot. What? MICK

LEN Perhaps you never. But you dont remember. You just assumed you had. Pause. Mick dwells on this. Perhaps. MICK

Hah.

LEN

Long pause. Len goes back to his paper whilst Mick sits in thought. Eventually Mick looks out of the window again. MICK So should I wear it then? LEN What, your blue jacket? MICK If were going outside. Len glances out the window. LEN Well its not hot. Exactly. MICK

LEN Then I would heartily recommend it. Good. Pause. Len resumes reading. MICK So when shall we go then? Soon. Ok. LEN MICK MICK

LEN Shall we have tea? What? MICK

LEN Before. I mean. MICK Before what?

LEN Before we go out. If you like. MICK

LEN I do. Do you? Suppose. Pause. MICK

LEN So are you going to put it on? MICK What my blue jacket? LEN No. The kettle. Me? Yes. MICK LEN

MICK Well, why dont you put it on. Youre the one that wants tea. LEN Well, so do you. MICK Tea, I can do without. I can take it or leave it. I dont have to have tea. Pause. Len studies Mick. LEN I wish youd be more decisive with your choices. Never know where you are. Come again? MICK

LEN You do dither. I dither? MICK

LEN In bucket loads. MICK Hah. Thats rich. Is it? LEN

MICK Coming from you. Me? LEN

MICK If anyone dithers. Me? Never. Dont you? LEN MICK

LEN Never in a million years. MICK Sure about that? LEN Decisively and categorically. MICK Well then there is something wrong with your memory after all. Why? LEN

MICK Because you always dither! When? LEN

MICK Always. Youre the dither king. LEN Give me one example? MICK Going outside.

What?

LEN

MICK Youve been dithering about going outside for the past two hours. I havent. LEN

MICK Well what are we waiting for? LEN For the weather to warm up a bit. MICK Do me a favour. LEN And to have my tea. Len smiles. Mick sighs. MICK Well youd better put the kettle on hadnt you. LEN I will. Im clear about that. Len stands. LEN Not a solitary sniff of a dither in sight. MICK Youre rich. Thats what you are. LEN Is that what I am? Len heads for the kitchen. LEN (off) Wheres the evidence, Sherlock? MICK Its written all over your face, mate. 8

LEN (off) Thats good to know. Pause. Mick reaches over and grabs Lens paper. The sound of crockery chinking and cupboard doors opening and closing emanate from the kitchen. Len begins to whistle. Mick rolls his eyes. LEN (off) So do you want tea then? MICK Yes I bloody do. LEN (off) MICK

Oh. What?

LEN (off) We dont have any milk. MICK We dont have any milk? LEN (off) MICK LEN (off)

No. We do.

Where?

MICK Where it always is. The fridge, you nincompoop. Len enters with a milk bottle. Mick reacts slightly to his approach. Len points the milk under Micks nose.

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Its off. Off? Yes.

LEN MICK LEN

MICK How can it be off? LEN Thats how it went. MICK (sniffing)

It is off.

LEN Thats what happens. Thats tragic. MICK

LEN Well it comes to us all. Eventually. MICK But it says the 6th. I know. LEN

MICK Disastrous. It shouldnt be off. Well it is. I know. LEN MICK

Pause. Len takes the bottle turns to the kitchen. Returns. LEN Ah, you know what it probably was? What? Len walks back into the kitchen. MICK

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What? I thought so. What?

MICK LEN MICK

LEN The fridge is off. MICK The fridge is off as well? Why? Len returns. LEN I turned it off. MICK You turned it off? Yes. When? Last night. LEN MICK LEN

MICK Last night? Why did you turn the fridge off last night? LEN It was humming. Humming? Yes. MICK LEN

MICK Thats what it does! LEN Loudly. It needed defrosting. MICK Well why didnt you turn it on again this morning, you great clod? 11

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I forgot. You forgot? I forgot. You forgot. Yes.

LEN MICK LEN MICK LEN

MICK You. With your perfect memory? LEN When did I say my memory was perfect? MICK Earlier. When your memory came into question. Have you forgotten? LEN Your memory came into question. And I never said mine was perfect. MICK Are you sure? Yes. LEN

MICK So would you say you have a selective memory? No. No? LEN MICK

LEN No. Because its forgetfulness is entirely involuntary. MICK So it involuntarily forgot to turn the fridge back on. LEN Thats about the crux of it. Yes. 12

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MICK Im glad we cleared that up. Mick shakes out his paper angrily. LEN Well Im not glad that I cant have my tea. MICK Well you can have your tea. But youll have to have it without milk. LEN I cant stand tea without milk! MICK Are you sure? LEN Yes. I certainly remember that I cant stand tea without milk. MICK Have you tried it? LEN I wouldnt touch it with a ten foot barge pole. Filthy stuff. MICK Well how do you know you dont like it? LEN Its not a case of not liking it. Its a case of not being able to stand it. MICK Sometimes I think you close off experience. Come again? LEN

MICK Sometimes I think you close off experience. LEN Close off experience? Yes. MICK

LEN Thats sweeping, isnt it? 13

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MICK Well do you? LEN Thats a little bit sweeping, fella. MICK Well so is your decision about the tea. Fine. Len goes to the kitchen. Mick looks on for a moment then buries his head in the paper again. Pause. MICK (reading) Irish town. Seven letters. Cardiff. No. Swansea. He pulls out a pen and starts filling in a crossword. No. Len returns with a cup of tea. Mick watches him return to his armchair. Len looks around for his paper, sees Mick has it so picks up another. LEN (reading) Hope youre not doing my crossword. Mick flings the pen over his shoulder and continues to read. MICK Whatve you got there? Tea. Mick looks up. LEN MICK LEN

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MICK Tea? Without milk? Yes. LEN

MICK Are you planning on drinking that? LEN I was planning on giving it a go. MICK Why. If you cant stand it? LEN For the experience. MICK Youre a dunderhead. LEN Is that what I am? Uhuh. MICK

Len sips the tea and winces theatrically. Yeccchh. LEN

MICK Youre such a dunderhead. LEN I tried it didnt I? Now you cant accuse me of closing off experience. Yes I can. Come again? MICK LEN

MICK I still can accuse you. With the exception of tea. LEN You know something? I think you love to make trouble. MICK I think you do too. 15

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Pause. They stare at each other, like they may spring at any moment. Len stands, causing Mick to brace himself. Len smiles and carries the cup back to the kitchen. Mick frowns into his paper and breathes through his nose, rapidly. The light closes to a small spot on his face. He calms. Then seems to have an internal dialogue with himself. A grin appears on his face and he starts to quietly chuckle to himself as the light brightens again. The toilet is heard flushing. Lens starts to whistle in the kitchen. MICK So shall we go outside now, Len? LEN (off)

What?

MICK Shall we go outside? Len walks in, drying his hands on a towel. LEN But I havent had my tea. MICK (sighing) I thought you had. LEN No I tried a cup of filthy stuff but it just wouldnt wash. MICK Youre so trying! Id like to go outside. LEN But we agreed wed go after Ive had my tea. MICK But we havent got any milk! Len throws the towel at Mick.

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LEN Well thats not my fault! Yes it is! Pause. LEN Oh yes. So it is. MICK I am so tired. LEN So you dont want to go outside? Yes I do! Good. MICK LEN MICK

MICK Well? Shall we? LEN Wait a minute. Len walks out to the hallway. MICK For crying out loud. Mick walks out to the hallway after Len. Pause. Mick comes back in and heads to the window. He looks out along the street to see where Len went. MICK Maniac. What is he-? The door slams. Len reappears with a pint of milk. Da daaah! LEN

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MICK Where did you get that? LEN On a doorstep. What? MICK

LEN A milkman delivered it. MICK On a doorstep? LEN What has been long proved to be a fruitful relationship. Len goes into the kitchen and begins whistling again. Mick stands in the centre of the room for a moment. Then walks over to the stuffed bird and begins to throttle it. He puts it back down and slumps down in his armchair. He picks up the paper, puts it down and gets up and retrieves the pen. He sits again and picks up the paper. He looks toward the kitchen then sticks two fingers up in that direction. He chews the pen as he peruses the crossword. Then gives up and throws the paper down. He stands, goes to the window and looks out. Then he walks over to the closet and takes out a blue jacket with a furry collar. He tries it on. He looks out the window again and then returns to the closet, takes the jacket off and puts it back on its hanger. He takes a black coat out of the closet, and holds it up to look it over. Len comes back into the room with two cups of tea. LEN There we are. Tea. With milk. MICK Its clouding over. Oh. Is it? Yes. Shame. LEN MICK LEN

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Len settles back in his armchair, puts his feet up on the coffee table and sips his tea. MICK I think I might have to wear my black coat. LEN Youre thinking of wearing your black coat? MICK Yes. It looks like rain. From his armchair, Len cranes his neck to look out the window. Pause. LEN Thats never a coat. Blackout.

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