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Conflict is unavoidable but learning how to war right strengthens the relationship
Namrata.Bhawnani @timesgroup.com
Banging doors, public fights, etc. reach that level of catastrophe because you havent addressed the issues. Modulate your voice and watch your body language. Dont take your problems to bed. If it gets destructive (eg verbally abusive), declare a time-out. Be relaxed and calm. The more you badger, the less your partner will be willing to talk. Avoiding confrontation is a part of some peoples personality. Understand their personality and respect that. Sometimes writing a note, e-mail or a gold old-fashioned letter is the best way to communicate with a passive aggressive partner. Never stonewall your partner. If you dont want to talk, step away but provide an explanation. Avoid long gaps in a fight, otherwise your partner will hold grudges and resent you. Never argue when you or your partner are tired or hungry. Dont start the blame game; it will only make the other person defensive. Both of you can make a list of pointers that bother you and then deal with them diplomatically. Women are wired to communicate; they need coping resources as the stress can lead to lack of sleep and loss of appetite. Journaling helps to contain the negativity. Cultivate new friendships and hobbies to put problems in perspective. Emotional distance is crucial. If youre hyper, take a walk and come back. Choose battles wisely. Beware of magnifying or distort problems. Stick to the issue and keep the conflict specific. Some people suffer from mood swings. Catch them in a good mood if you want to make a point. You cant change the core of a person, but learn how to work around it. Respect the boundaries of the relationship. Do not discuss the issues with outsiders except for a commonly agreed upon mediator.

THE GOOD FIGHT

Place some dried lemon peel in olive or castor oil for a week. Apply this oil to the lashes to make then grow longer

YOU

BEAUTY TIPS

In a cup of curd, mix one tablespoon orange juice and one tablespoon lemon juice. Apply as face pack to beat winter dryness

AhmedabadMirror

www.ahmedabadmirror.com/you amfeatures@indiatimes.com

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2012

21

ASKTHESEXPERT
DR MAHINDER WATSA

People can resort to open and/or secret warfare. Open warfare is where you are aggressive and negative in approach, while secret warfare (eg silent treatment, stonewalling) is passive aggressive. Seema lists the errors one is prone to make in a heated moment: Turning nasty, hitting below the belt or pointing out flaws. Character assassination, raising your voice and hurting your partners ego. Digging up past incidents. Bringing up partners parents and say uncomplimentary things about them. Volleying blame. Constant stonewalling or giving the silent treatment. Threatening to leave, which causes tremendous insecurity.

COMMON MISTAKES

rguments are unavoidable in relationships but how you fight makes all the difference. It may feel therapeutic for the moment to vent and give in to a verbal whipping, but it will only cause resentment and perhaps invite payback. Clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany places arguments in two categories destructive and constructive. Destructive arguments include elements of hostility and vengeance. You can have a constructive argument by sticking to the issue and dealing with it calmly. It prevents the argument from culminating into a major breach. The way we fight reflects how our parents dealt with issues. If you have a dysfunctional memory of your parents fights, you will get defensive. If youre harbouring grudges against your parents, it can spill into your relationship, and intervention is crucial.

I am 27 and I have been masturbating since I was 14. Now I have stopped and dont have any other bad habit. My neck hurts near the left side of the brain. I also feel nervous, nauseous, have no stamina and feel a sensitivity to smell and touch. I have no control over the body while walking or lifting weights. I lose balance. I also cant control the mind (while talking). I experience lower back pain and in the optic nerves. Due to all this, Ive failed in my exams and this delayed my education. Is all this because of hormonal imbalance or masturbation? What a good excuse to do badly in studies. None of what youve mentioned can be blamed on masturbation or hormone deficiency. You must see a doctor who will diagnose the problem and treat you accordingly. In the meanwhile, eat a nutritious diet, get some exercise and have confidence.

2 Im 28 and I work in the

RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES

The goal of arguments should be

GIVINGGYAN
BACHI KARKARIA

to become more aware of the problem, instead of attacking the partner. Seema suggests these techniques to find the emotional balance: Take a container each, label it and put notes about troubling issues in each others container. It gives your partner time to process his/ her thoughts. Do one activity together, e.g. bake or work out together. Undertake calming exercises together the Art of Living cours-

es, meditating before sleeping, talking about the best places you have visited. Talking about something pleasant after the fight always works. Activating positive memories is the key. Self-discipline is crucial. Accept that you cannot have a conflictfree relationship. Dont compare yourself to other loving couples. Dont say But my personality is like that; make an effort to change that trait. You cant expect your partner to automatically understand what you are going through.

UK. I am gay, but my parents have chosen a girl for me to get married to back home in India. I really dont want to get married and I have informed my parents that I do not fancy girls, but they say its just a medical condition and it can be treated. When I told my friends here about it, they laughed knowing well that it cant be treated. Just for reassurance, is there any medicine which will treat it? You have to say NO firmly; you do not want to make someone else miserable and unhappy. Send them some literature which may convince them. Be caring towards your parents; they will go through a traumatic time before loving you again.

THERE ARE AGONY AUNTS, AND THEN THERE IS BACHI... SHE'LL SORT YOU OUT
You can write to Bachi Karkaria at givinggyan@indiatimes.com
told me not to break my head over this. Also that my nagging and fighting is doing more harm than the occasional drink. Im on the verge of breaking up with him because of this. Please help! peer and does not have to do ditto with fear or even sneer. Guys, and babes too my dear, go out for a convivial drink every weekend, if not oftener, and do not end up as wrecks or go wreck their Moms car and the lives of some poor innocent by bystanders or bysleepers. The poor guy is only having a social chill-out by your admission, its just occasional; that too, once in a few months. Its you who is behaving like some alcoholic whose thinking faculties have been totally addled. Your boyfriend is absolutely right in telling you that your nagging and fighting is far more harmful to him and your relationship than his once-in-a-way vodkaing. Its you whos out of control, or in fact a control freak. You are just being petty and self-absorbed in trying to prove that you can bend this guy to your will, and whim. Dont you have more self confidence or even self respect than to pit yourself against a peg of whisky? Carry on like this, and youll surely end up as a single malt.

Dear Bachi,

Im a 21-year-old girl and my best friend is 21 too. We have been in a relationship for two years. He drinks occasionally once in a few months with his guy friends. This really bothers me. I told him to choose between me and his drinking sessions. He said I was being immature, trying to boss him around, and that this was blackmail. He said he is in control, that it is a guy thing and

I am 28 and married. Whenever I try to have intercourse, the condom tears. I use lube as well. Even the best quality condoms dont help. Please help. I cannot believe you. The whole world uses them successfully, most of the time. Please tell me what exactly goes wrong. Is your partner not well aroused and lubricated?
SEND YOUR QUERIES TO: Ask the Sexpert, Ahmedabad Mirror, The Times of India, Fadia Chambers, Ashram Road, Ahmedabad 380 009 or email at amfeatures@indiatimes.com. You can contact Dr Watsa at mcwatsa@hotmail.com

Ms Prohibition Dear Ms Prohibition,

Why dont you go date Anna Hazare or any of the born-again drunks of Ralegan Siddhi whom he has had publicly flogged and thereby completely cured of their affliction. Sober up, kid. Beer rhymes with