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The Pioneer Log Backdoor

February 10, 2012

TOAST OF THE WEEK:

FLOSSING
Imagine a perfect worlda world where your gums never bled, your breath never smelled, babies never cried, and heating bills were always lower than you expected them to be. Well, guess what, friends? Scientific studies have shown that flossing can make up to 50% of the above listed dreams a reality! Even without having to drift into baseless idealizations, just think about how nice it would be to go to the dentist and not have to lie about your nonexistent flossing regimen. Its not like youre fooling him anyway; motherfuckers a doctor, for Christs sake. If a D.D.S degree cant teach you how to tell when some lazyass kids periodontiwhatsits are fucked up, then just call me a sugar munchin, coffee garglin, meth smokin sonofabitch. So, heres to you, floss! I dont really hang out with you much, but everyone says youre really cool. Granted, the same people also tried to tell me to use a Diva Cup and eat chia seeds, but nevertheless... Floss, you got real science on your side. I cant think of a better way to honor you than to pour a big can of Joose down my throat... Because its your stringy ass thats going to keep all those cavities out of my business later. TOOTHBRUSHES CAN GO TO HELL.

You Caught My Eye

You: Sexy football freshman. Me: Wanting you to be my first down. You: Frank Zappa fan Me: Wanting to be your Jewish Princesss. You: Mac computer Me: Water, a.k.a your worst nightmare. You: A drunken mess. Me: Willing to hold your hair. You: Campus lyricist. Me: Want to be your muse. You: Kind of a dick. Me: Kind of a bitch. Were perf. You: Wicked Smaht. Me: Wicked Nawt. You: Sexy senior seductress. Me: Hoping youre into younger guys with accents You: New econ prof from Alabama Me: Wanting to do a benefit-cost analysis of going down (south) You: Expressive dancer. Me: Hoping youll show me the Fundamentals of your Movement. You: Living in a man cave Me: Sexy cavewoman trying to get clubbed in your cave

Wanna mack on somebody in a public forum? Email a You Caught My Eye to piolog@gmail.com

IMPORTANT THINGS FOR COUPLES TO REMEMBER ON VALENTINES DAY:

IMPORTANT THINGS FOR SINGLES TO REMEMBER ON VALENTINES DAY:

Single people are sad people. Youre so lucky. Everybody is jealous of you, but, whatever, thats not your problem. Friendships come and go. Soulmates are forever. Love is completely, undeniably, irrefutably 100% real. You look soooooo prettyyyyyy. A teddy bear is a totally acceptable gift for an adult woman. Its not creepy. Its NOT. Its more than ok if your only dream is for life to stay exactly the same. Thats how you know youre truly happy. Your inside jokes are what make you special. No, seriously. You guys are, like, really, really special. It doesnt matter if you love yourselves as long as you love each other. Sure, drinking makes spending time together better, but that doesnt mean your relationship depends on it. Mutual status updates/tweets during your VDay activities are not only super cute, theyre imperative. As the old saying goes, its not love unless everyone knows how happy you are. Obligated, high-expectation sex is good sex. Happy Valentines Day! Nobody loves you. Nobody has ever loved you. Nobody will ever love you. Youre most likely single because youre not good looking. You did this to yourself through your inability to change for others. Stop pretending that youre joyful or content. Youre alone and you hate yourself. Lying doesnt suit you. Dont cry. All those couples that look happy actually are. In fact, theyre usually even happier. Either way, its better to be miserable and in a relationship than to be happy and single. Thats just life; I dont make the rules. Friendships dont matter. If they did, they would have a holiday too, wouldnt they? Seriously, stop crying. Youre pathetic. You should probably just kill yourself. Or get a dog. Whichevers easiest.

THIS WEEKS COMIC: Doghouse Diaries

All farticles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Dont take them seriously because they dont take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.