Beveridge Family News

Volume 7, Issue 1 Holiday Edition December 2011

Local Family Welcomes Fuzzy Bundle of Joy

LAMBERTVILLE, NJ After years of wishing; after months of begging; after weeks of walking around the block and bringing back a bag of poop to prove they could handle the responsibility, area youths Colin and Keenan Beveridge were ready for a dog. Shockingly, their parents Kathy and Mike had also convinced themselves they were ready, so in late August the entire family made a trip to this riverside hamlet to meet up with a foster family and adopt a pet. We figured it was the right time, recalled Mike, the Greatest Dad Ever. I mean, our lives werent nearly complicated enough. The Beveridges approached the meeting with some trepidation, which was understandable in light of their initial attempts at adoption. We went to a lot of meetand-greet events over the summer to check out dogs that were available, recalled Kathy. It was like dating all over again. The last time I was in the dating scene ... well, lets just say this time I knew I had to be careful. From the beginning, however, this date was different. As soon as the boys met the playful six-pound spaniel/border collie mix, they knew he was the one. He was cute and really fuzzy, ten-year -old Keenan remembered. And he kept trying to eat the gravel in the flower beds, which was pretty funny. Kathy also felt the connection immediately. With that combination of cuteness and bad judgment, he was just like my kids. Everything was perfect about this puppy, with one important exception. The foster family to whom the dog was born had an affinity with the Southwest, which led them to name all of the pups in the litter after cities in Texas. They show us this cute pup, recalled Mike, and then they tell us his name is Dallas. Dallas? Americas Dog? I swore to the boys on my kelly green Keith Jackson Eagles jersey that we would never bring a dog with that name into our home. At first, the boys proved to be no better than the foster family at naming dogs. Their first attempts at a name were pretty weak, Kathy noted. Blackie. Fuzzy. Shaggy. I told them were not giving that dog an adjective for a name. The boys then moved on to city and state names, figuring that any place on earth would be better than Dallas. Keenan suggested Indiana, in honor of Notre Dame, Kathy recalled. Then Mike puts on his best Sean Connery voice and says We named the dog Indiana. The boys liked the Indiana Jones reference, so we shortened it to Indy. While the family all agreed on his name, they had second thoughts after the first few days at home with Indy. We thought about re-naming him Bitey, Mike noted, while rubbing the scars on his hands. He seemed to have trouble distinguishing between his chew toys and us. After a few days of being treated like rawhide, Mike and Kathy sought professional help from Bobs Pet Stop, a roving dog trainer who taught them several techniques to discourage inappropriate behaviors and to reward correct ones. Mister Bob helped us teach Indy using positive reinforcement, Colin stated, but I think Mom took his lessons a little too seriously. Now every time Dad throws his socks in the hamper she puts a piece of sausage in his mouth. Training methods werent the only thing the family learned from their newest member. We bought a crate for Indy to sleep in and to give him some space away from his brothers, Mike pointed out. He really seems to like having his own private space, and its working out really well. So well that Kath and I are thinking of getting two more crates for the boys and turning their rooms into a fitness center and a man cave. In spite of their parents renovation plans, Colin and Keenan have no regrets about their newest sibling. Having a dog is a lot of fun, Keenan noted, and were optimistic that as time goes by Indy will find us to be less delicious. Older brother Colin agreed, noting that in spite of all the bite marks, having Indy in our family has taught us a lot. Weve learned to be more responsible around the house. Weve learned to have a greater respect for all animals. But most of all, weve learned that duct tape is great for repairing scratches in the couch.

Bottom left: Indy looking adorable. Above right: Keenan in his new bedroom.

Warm wishes for a happy and healthy new year from the Beveridge Family! Kathy, Mike Colin, Keenan, and Indy michael.beveridge@aacr.org kathleen.beveridge@comcast.net bevboys@comcast.net

Page 2

Beveridge Family News

December 2011

Area Woman Joins Farm Co-Operative

Family not very cooperative.
WARMINSTER, PA In recent years, local woman Kathy Beveridge has pursued an interest in the gardening lifestyle, taking a leadership position in the Womans National Farm & Garden Association and starting a garden of her own. While her family has grudgingly supported her efforts to eat healthier and support local agriculture, however, they have become increasingly concerned by a dramatic upswing in what they see as her radical agrarian agendathe most recent example of which is her joining a local farm collective. For her part, Kathy has no regrets about her decision to participate in the Lancaster Farm Fresh Cooperative. The variety and freshness of the produce Ive been getting is amazing, she stated in a recent interview. Every week we pick up another giant box of vegetables, and every week the selections are different. In the last few weeks Ive brought home a Blue Hokkaido Squash, a bunch of Red Cylindra Beets, and a head of Speckled Troutsback Romaine. When youre eating the same old peas and carrots day after day, you almost forget how many different kinds of vegetables there are in the world. While he agreed that the weekly pickups are unique, Kathys husband Mike remained skeptical. See, I dont really think there are that many kinds of vegetables. I mean, some of the stuff that she brings home doesnt even look like food. For all we know, the farmers are using us to get rid of their waste. They could give us a box of corn husks and call it Bolivian Lettuce, and we wouldnt know the difference. Variety in the produce box has also led to variety in the kitchen, as Kathy has enjoyed discovering new recipes to make use of her weekly bounty. One of my favorite days was back in September, she recalled, when I tweaked some online recipes and came up with a brand-new creation that I like to call Kale Surprise. Oldest son Colin remembers the day with somewhat less enthusiasm. It definitely was a surprise when we came to the dinner table that night, he recalled. I couldnt have been more surprised if you had punched me in the face. Actually, I would have preferred the punch in the face. Despite her boys complaints, Kathy sees the benefits of the relationship stretching beyond her kitchen and into the community. It feels great to participate in a Community-Supported Agriculture project like this. Sure, we get great produce, but we also help create a market that allows these local farms to sustain themselves. And the survival of local farming is critical to the survival of our neighborhoods. When asked for comment, Mike did not share his wifes optimism. All I know is that if these farms want to be sustainable, they should grow things that people actually want to eat. I mean, its basic free-market principles. Thats why you never see a chocolate co-op or a community-supported pizza joint. This just proves my theory that vegetables are part of a Communist plot. The extra energy Kathy derived from her healthier menu was a great help to her in enduring her familys complaining. I swear, all I wanted was to eat better and support local farms, but the way these babies cry about it, youd think I had joined a cult. Mike disputed this statement, pointing out that I would much rather join a cult than the co-op. You can eat whatever you want, and theres plenty of free Kool-Aid.

Right: Colin and Keenan after hearing that the regular vegetable deliveries were through for the year. Below: Giant vegetables of death.

December 2011

Beveridge Family News

Page 3

Local Athlete Shocks Fans by Announcing Career-Threatening Knee Injury

Fans shocked to hear he had a career.
WARMINSTER, PA In a surprise press conference, a tearful Mike Beveridge announced that he had recently sustained a complete tear of his anterior cruciate ligment, a catastrophic injury that threatened to end his athletic career. The news surprised the many family and friends in attendance, many of whom had no idea he ever had an athletic career. Beveridge sustained the injury while playing indoor soccer, a recent addition to his competitive portfolio. Colin and Keenan both made the travel team this year, and a bunch of the parents from the teams played in an indoor league, he recalled. They said they needed warm bodies to fill out the bench, and I told them my temperature was at least 98.6 degrees. So you could say I was more than qualified to join the team. After a rocky start, Mike was just getting his feet under him in the fourth week of the season when tragedy struck. I turned to go up the field, and my foot didnt, he noted with a shudder. Right away I knew something was wrong, so I collapsed in a heap on the field. Funny, it took a few minutes before my teammates noticed I was missing. An MRI in early September confirmed the diagnosis, and Mike faced the daunting challenge of rebuilding his knee and reclaiming his former glory. The first step was to find the right surgeon. I could only trust my knee to the best, he noted, so I chose Dr. David Craft. Dr. Craft, a specialist in sports medicine affiliated with Abington Memorial Hospital, spent the early part of his career as the team physician for the Houston Astros and Rockets. I spent the better part of a decade working on elite, world-class athletes, Dr. Craft noted in a recent interview, and Mike had a lot in common with all of them. Specifically, he had a knee injury, and he had health insurance. Craft repaired Beveridges knee using an allograft procedure, in which a ligament from a cadaver was implanted into the knee to replace the ruptured ligament. Because it doesnt require the grafting of muscle tissue from the hosts own body, the allograft is less invasive and has a shorter recovery time, he noted in an interview just before the surgery. The success rate for procedures involving cadaver tissue is over 97 percent, so Im optimistic about Mikes prognosis. As long as he doesnt turn into a zombie in the first 12 hours, which happens in about half of all cases. While Mike didnt turn into a zombie, he did face the challenge of recovering from major surgery. Unable to walk without a full leg brace and crutches, and under doctors orders not to exert himself, Mike found himself parked on the foldout couch in the Beveridge living room for two weeks. While the conditions were difficult for the patient, they were even more trying for his nurse, Kathy. I was lying there watching TV for the first week, and Kath had to bring me everything from meals to snacks to drinks, Mike recalled. I felt so helpless, and having to depend on someone to wait on me constantly was unbearable. Then a few more days went by, and I got used to it pretty quick. Kathys attitude also changed as the days went by. I felt so bad seeing Mike lying there that I felt I had to help him, she noted. By the end of the first week, he was complaining that there were too many marshmallows in his hot chocolate. When we first planned for his recovery, I was excited by the idea of spending more time with Mike during the day. Now Im encouraging him to put off retirement until hes eighty-five. Mikes recovery process involved spending four hours a day with his leg strapped into a Continuous Passive Motion (CPM) machine, which slowly bent and straightened his knee in order to strengthen the repaired ligaments. The nice thing about spending that much time attached to the machine is that it forces you to be productive, he pointed out. With all this time on my hands, we should be able to get our Christmas newsletter out by the end of November. For her part, Kathy was not impressed with Mikes productivity aid. He would move his leg around for an hour and then stop for a nap. What he really needs is a machine that makes him take out the trash. The recovery process also involved thrice-weekly visits to a physical therapist, who put Mike through a comprehensive program of stretching and exercises in order to restore the full range of motionor, as he referred to it, a full range of pain. They keep talking about restoring flexibility to my knee, he stated, wincing, but the word restoring implies that I had it at one point. I couldnt bend that way before I got hurt, so what makes them think I should be able to do it now? The process has been slow and frustrating, but Mike remains undaunted. Dr. Craft told me that when you graft a cadavers tendon into the body, you need to work hard to strengthen so it can match the hosts level of activity. It will take time, but soon Ill be back to normal. Kathy also recognizes the challenges ahead. Actually, the cadaver was only dead for six months, while Mikes been laying around the house for years. Hell need to put his entire body through a rigorous training program for weeks just to get himself up to the cadavers level.

Right: Mike working hard on his recovery.

Page 4

Beveridge Family News

December 2011

Local Superstars Take Soccer Skills on the Road with Travel Teams
Only one traveled far enough to avoid lame coach.
WARMINSTER, PA After several years on the intramural circuit of the Warminster Soccer Association, local footballers Colin and Keenan Beveridge were eager for a new challenge. They found it on the tryout fields of the WSA Travel Soccer Program, where Colin was selected as the newest member of the U13 Warminster Revolution and Keenan joined the newly-created U11 Warminster Avalanche White. The boys motivation for trying out was twofold. Well, we both did OK when we played intramurals, but we wanted to make ourselves better players, and the only way to do that was to play against the best teams in the region, Colin recalled in a recent interview. Most important, though, was the fact that the travel teams already had coaches, so we figured there was no chance that we would get stuck with our dad this year. While Colins addition to the Revolution roster ensured his coaching upgrade, Keenan was not so lucky. Due to the large number of players trying out for the U11 Avalanche and the leagues late decision to play 8-versus-8 instead of 11 -versus-11, Avalanche head coach Jeff Forbes found himself with enough skilled players for two travel teamsbut only one coach. I had coached two teams before, Forbes recalled, and while I was happy to take on the challenge of running two teams again I needed someone to stand on the sideline and hold a clipboard for the games that I couldnt make. Mike didnt drop the clipboard when I handed it to him during tryouts, so I figured he could do the job. When some parents complained about handing over the fate of an elite travel team to a coach with a sub-.500 lifetime record who was coming off a 9-11-3 record for two teams in 2010, Beveridge hastily called a press conference to defend himself. Hey, the official rules of the Inter-County Soccer League list two requirements for travel coaches, he pointed out. One is that they must obtain a notarized coachs photo ID and bring it to every game. The other is that they must pass a criminal background check. Well, I meet both requirements. I have a face to put on a photo ID. And Ive never committed a felony. Or, more accurately, Ive never been convicted of a felony. Thank you, public defender. While his father did indeed have a face, Keenan began to wish he would stop showing it in public. The Avalanche struggled to adjust to the higher level of play as the season began, losing their first six games by a combined score of 26-4. It was dj vu all over again, Keenan noted. But Im not exactly sure what dj vu is. I think its French for lousy coach. Colin had a similar experience as his season began, although he wasnt able to blame his coach. Playing in the highest U13 division, the Revolution played in several hard-fought, one-goal games but entered the final month with a 2-4-1 record. As the least-experienced member of the team, Colin found it especially difficult to adjust to the level of competition. My speed and stamina helped me as an attacker, he recalled, but I realized that I wasnt as strong on the ball as most of the other guys. I kept hoping I could find someone to practice with me at home and teach me the skills I needed. You know, like some kind of father figure. However, as the season wound down, both boys began to see their hard work pay off. In mid-November, the Avalanche played Council Rock United, the second-place team in their division, to a scoreless tie that knocked CRU into third place. Playing goalie for the entire game, Keenan had his best showing of the season, making close to two dozen saves to preserve the tie. The Revolution also finished strong, playing the firstand second-place teams to stalemates in consecutive weeks. Colins fortunes rose with his teams, as he broke through and scored two goals in the final three weeks of the season. While the Beveridge boys both attributed their late-season success to perseverance and improved teamwork, there was another common factor. I had my best game in goal the same weekend that Colin scored, Keenan noted. It was also the same weekend that Dad missed both of our games while recovering from his knee surgery (see related story, p. 3). I dont think its a coincidence. Once we were free from Dads hinky mojo, we were able to play our best. Finishing their seasons on a positive note, Colin and Keenan were quietly confident as they outlined their goals for next season. I want to strengthen my left foot and my touch passes, Colin stated, and Keenan is thinking about a goalie camp this summer. But most of all, we need to find a league that requires coaches to pass an aptitude test. Left: Colin on the move, benefiting from quality coaching.

December 2011

Beveridge Family News

Page 5

Local Family Accuses Publisher of Ethics Violations

WARMINSTER, PA Since 2005, the Beveridge Family News has kept friends and loved ones informed about the latest developments in the lives of this local familyall while becoming the cornerstone of a vast media empire that spans print, video, and Internet distribution channels. But the stars of this seven-year old reality-based saga have begun to rebel against the same media mogul that has made them famous. In a recent press conference, the longtime subjects of Beveridge Family Newsyouths Colin and Keenan and their mother, Kathy levied damning allegations against its publisher, Mike Beveridge, claiming that many of the quotations attributed to them in the publication were fabricated. Ive never said most of things that Dad puts in the newsletter, said an exasperated Colin. Like every year he quotes me as saying hes a lousy soccer, baseball, and basketball coach. I never said any of those things. Sure, I think them every day. But I never said them. This is just another example of how you cant trust the lamestream media. Thats why I get all of my news from blogs. Younger brother Keenan also related tales of being misquoted. Like last year, when Dad published a story about the skate ramp we built. He said that he put all that time and money into building the ramp and that I was afraid to try it because it was too big, he recalled. I wasnt afraid to use it because it was big. I was afraid to use it because my Dad built it. I may be into extreme sports, but Im not into standing on substandard ramp platforms. When asked to comment on her childrens allegations and about her dual roles as newsletter subject and designer, Kathy Beveridgewho has laid out the publication for the last several years while also appearing in its pages regularlydistanced herself from her publisher husband. I cant dismiss the newsletter entirely, she stated after conferring with her attorney. It may be filled with lies, but it looks fantastic. When confronted outside the BFN world headquarters in Warminster, PA, Mike vowed to defend himself vigorously against all charges. In a prepared statement delivered while standing next to his attorney, he stated that the Beveridge Family News stands as a beacon of integrity and truth amidst the crumbling landscape of modern media. And I stand with it, fully committed to reporting the truth about the Beveridges no matter where it leads. When asked to comment on his sons claims of being misquoted, Beveridge deviated from the statement to his lawyers chagrin. Look, I dont keep my reporters notes after the stories are written, but if I put a quote in the newsletter then the boys must have said it. Or its what they would have said eventually, if I had more time to interview them. Look, Im doing the best I can here. The news cycle is constant and non-stop. Its my job to publish six pages of news every year; I dont have time to wait around for these kids to say something funny. And lets face it, that what this is all about: entertaining the reader. So, to sum up, every quote in the newsletter is a completely accurate transcript of what they would have said, if I had time to wait for them to say it, and if it was funny. Those are my bedrock principles, and I stand by them. Upon hearing his fathers defense, Colin seized upon his claim that the publishers ultimate goal was providing entertainment, not news. As an adolescent on the verge of his teen years, Colin is perhaps the most uncomfortable with having his life documented for public consumption especially without appropriate compensation. Every year he puts this stuff in the newsletter, and he posts YouTube videos of us dancing at weddings, and he mentions us in his Facebook posts, Colin stated. And if its not funny, he makes if funnier. If hes in the news business, then hes guilty of fabrication. And if hes in the entertainment business, then he needs to up my allowance. Im tired of providing him with material for free. Upon hearing Colins charges of fabrication, Mike defended himself further, as his attorney tried in vain to hold his mouth shut. Look, people enjoy reading this stuff, so it may as well be true. You know what Vladimir Lenin said: A lie told often enough becomes the truth. He also said that Im a very handsome guy. Its on the Internet; you can look it up. Despite her position as a paid employee of BFN, Kathy expressed her doubts about her husbands claim. I dont think that Lenin quote about Mike is entirely accurate, for a couple of reasons, she stated. For starters, Lenin admired the working man, and Mike hasnt done an honest days work in his life. Also, Lenin died in 1924. When pressed further for comment about his fathers casual relationship with the truth, Colin was more forgiving. Well, while I disagree with some of the things he prints, I respect my Dads commitment to publishing an enjoyable newsletter every year. He has always been a principled man. And handsome, too. One of my favorite things about Dad is OH, MY GOD, HES DOING IT RIGHT NOW! IM NOT SAYING THESE WORDS! HES MAKING THIS UP! SOMEBODY STOP HIM!... When asked whether the allegations made against Beveridge were legally actionable, the district attorney released a statement confirming that the only charge against Mr. Beveridge that our office is considering is that of fraud. The Beveridge Family News is labeled as a Holiday Edition, but to our knowledge Mr. Beveridge has never managed to publish it before the holidays are over.

Missing a past newsletter? Cant get enough of reading about what a lousy coach Mike is? Get all of the back issues of Beveridge Family News online at Scribd.com! http://www.scribd.com/mikebev

Page 6

Beveridge Family News

December 2011

News Briefs
AreaKidsEnjoyingThugLife
LocalyouthsColinandKeenanBeveridgehaveadoptedanewfashionstatementthatmakestheirprevi ousstylechoicespaleincomparison.Muchtothemortificationoftheirparents,theboyshavetakento wearingwhitetanktopundershirtsaroundthehouseand,evenworse,outsidethehouseeveninclud ingtheirdog,Indy.Keenancamedownonemorninginoneofthosedamnthingsandthoughthewas goingtoschoolinit,notedtheboysfather,Mike.Itoldhimhecouldntleavethehouselookinglike that,andhehasthenervetoaskmewhy.Why?BecauseyourenotSlimShady,thatswhy.

Defendinghisbrother,Colinexplainedtheirwardrobedecision.Well,theyreniceandcoolinthesum mermonths,andthecollarsdontitch.AndtheydriveDadtotallyinsane,whichisjustabonusforus.

LocalYouthJoinsJavaGeneration
LocalseventhgraderColinBeveridgemaystillbetwoyearsawayfromhighschool,buthehasdevelopedaverygrownupaffinity forcoffee,orderingacupwheneverheeatsinarestaurantandfindinghimselfunabletopassaStarbuckswithoutstopping.I dontknow.Ijustenjoyacupofcoffeeeveryonceinawhile,henotedinarecentinterview.Ittastesgood,anditkeepsmealert soIcangetthroughtheday.

Colinsparents,bothofwhomhavemanagedtoliverich,fullliveswithouteverbecomingcoffeedrinkers,arelessthanconvincedby hisreasoning.Alert?Hedrinksittostayalert?askedhismother,Kathy.ItdoesntseemtohelphimfocuswhenItellhimtoclean hisroom.ColinsfatherMikeofferedadifferentexplanation.Thewholethingisjustasugardeliverysystem.Thatkiddoesntlike coffee,helikesthefactthathecanpourninepacketsofsugarintohiscup.Hesayshelikesthetaste,buthesnevertastedstraight coffeeinhislife.Youcouldputninesugarpacketsinacupofmudanditwouldtastegood.

AreaFamilyProvesYouCanGoHomeAgain,SortOf
WhiletheWelshfamilyhasalwaysbeenbasedinPittsburgh, KathyWelshBeveridgeandherfamilyspentherteenageyears growingupinBaltimore,whereherfatherRickworkedastheSu perintendentoftheMarylandSchoolfortheBlind.Duringaweek longJulyvacationspentmoochingoffherbrotherPatandsisterin lawNatashainAnnapolis,KathyandRickorganizedareunion picnicforfamilyandfriendsontheMSBcampusthatincludeda touroftheSuperintendentsHousethefirsttimethefamilyhad visitedthehousesincetheymovedoutin1990.

Coincidentally,thepicnicwasthefirstoncampusWelshpartysince KathyandPatsRiskyBusinessblowoutin1986.Unfortunately, however,theirparentswerepresentthistime,whichalteredthe toneoftheeventsignificantly.IveheardstoriesofKathswildbe haviorinhighschool,husbandMikenoted,andImdisappointed. DisappointedthatIdidntknowherbackwhenshewastrashy.

LocalAuteurSuedbyFatherforLibel
WhenhereadtheepicpoemBeowulf,localstudentColinBeveridgeenjoyeditsomuchthathedecidedtowriteasequelinscreen playformforhisseventhgradeEnglishclassproject.BeowulfBeginswaswellreceivedbyhisteachers,studioexecutives,andfans worldwidewiththeglaringexceptionofhisfather,Mike.

ThecontroversystemmedfromaminorcharactertheyoungauthorcreatedasafoiltoBeowulfsheroicpersona.Dunster,anim petuousandhardlivingsoldierinBeowulfsarmy,makesanimportantdecisionafterhisencounterwiththemonsterGrendel,as shownbythefollowingoriginaldialogue:

Dunster:Ahh,youvegotme.IvebeenthinkingsincethemonsterincidentandIvedecidedIwanttosettledownandhaveafamily.No morewar,nomorebattles.IfImgoingtohaveachildthenheneedsagoodfatherthatisntdrunk.

Agoodfatherthatisntdrunk?Clearly,thischaracterwasdevelopedtoslanderme,complainedMikeatarecentpressconfer ence.Ihaventhadadrinkinweeks.ExceptforacoupleofbeerseverynightwhenIgethomefromwork.

Whenaskedforcomment,ColinreleasedapreparedstatementthroughhisattorneystatingthatBeowulfBeginsisaworkoffic tion.Anyresemblanceofthecharacterstoanyrealpersons,livingordead,includingmylushdad,ispurelycoincidental.