All The Markisms: A Book

Mark Eichenlaub

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This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercialShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-ncsa/3.0/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 444 Castro Street, Suite 900, Mountain View, California, 94041, USA. ISBN #: 978-1-105-31647-0

You know how it sometimes rains frogs? I hope that happens with jellysh some day so I can walk outside with my umbrella and show it that its not alone in the universe.

Live today as if it were your last day on Earth.1

I cant wait for it to get colder so I can nally use a urinal that wasnt designed for little boys.

Heres a new joke Ive been working on: a deep analogy is like a cloud.2

1 This

2 Dont

advice applies mostly to astronauts. get it? Must be over your head.

If you havent orgasmed in the last 30 seconds, they were technically below average.

I hate how I always forget to breathe during sex. On the plus side, though, it doesnt really impact my performance.

Have you ever suddenly worried that your eyeballs might pop out? Well, you have now.

The next time you state your case and someone rebuts it with, oh yeah, well correlation does not imply causation, try asking them what they think causation means. Unless theyre particularly knowledgeable, they will almost certainly give you a useless circumlocution. Point this out. They will get defensive, and you will not win the point. However, you will quickly realize that having won it would have been no great feat.

When the New York Times makes an infographic based on results of a study published in the journal Science, at the bottom of the image they put a little caption that says, Source: Science. Thats pretty fucking authoritative right there.

Do you think that if they start now, the Cohen brothers still have enough time to make a 30-minute Christmas special called No Country for Snowmen?3

I still go running these days, but my main motivation has become the hope that people sitting in their living rooms watching Saturday morning cartoons will see me go past and gain a deeper appreciation for the benets of their own slothfulness.

3 Im asking because they keep saying that they dont and that I should let them out of the basement.

Magic can happen anywhere, any time. For example, have you ever stopped to think that one day someone was sitting around, nothing to do at all, and suddenly just invented roller coasters? Sometimes life is so beautiful I want to cry.

Q: Why is the golden ratio irrational? A: Because its phi-male

Its a good thing humans have hands. Otherwise wed never get the hang of electromagnetism.

Whenever you say something but people dont believe you, just repeat yourself, but add studies have shown to the beginning of your statement. It sounds stupid, but theyve done research that found that for most people, this really works.

Soon I have to go teach section for the optics class Im TAing. Does anyone know how I can review Fermats principle in the least possible time?

Sometimes, I like to build people up and then just

Hey, Im GREAT at statistics. Whenever Im collecting data, I always know to keep going until I get to p = 0.05, then stop.

Sometimes a little crumb or something gets stuck under one of the keys of my keyboard so they key doesnt go down all the way, and I deal with the situation by just mashing that key a lot until the crumb breaks into pieces and the key goes down again. Then I kick a homeless person. Is that bad?

It seems impossible, but those marionettes never stop dancing. Its like someones nally invented a puppetual motion machine.

Whatever day it is today that my classes and other obligations were all canceled, happy that.

After I shave my head, I always feel so naked. Its probably because I immediately take a shower to rinse the hair residue o.

I decided to make a Java applet and sell it online, but no one is buying little tiny caeinated fruits these days.

Hey, whats that youre drinking? Milk of amnesia. Are you sure thats what its called? Never heard of if before. Heard of what?

You know how when people are confused they tilt their head and ask the same question over and over? Well, by that criterion, no one is nearly as confused as an owl.

There is this pretty girl who is always at the same corner when I walk back from the oce at night, so I tried smiling at her, but it turns out shes not the sort of girl I thought she was at all. It turns out shes a statue.

The people in my neighborhood here in East Baltimore seem to spend a lot of time yelling at each other on the streets. I think this means their lives are more interesting than mine.

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is Im not going to tell you about the good news.

I was thinking taking up drums again, but Im scared of the repercussions.

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Measuring a particle moving faster than light is like taking your temperature and nding its 130 degrees. You dont go around proclaiming yourself to be a medical miracle. You try to gure out whats up with your thermometer.

Guess what everybody - Ive just discovered a new Facebook feature, and heres how it works: click Like on this post, and youll discover the true meaning of disappointment.

Im not awkward. Everyone else is just a bad conversationalist.

People have told me that if you run with scissors you can poke your eyes out, but I just dont see it.

11

Sometimes something bad happens, and right when Im feeling worst, I gain a new perspective and think, You know, I could learn a lot from this. I dont have the initiative, of course, but otherwise I could really learn a lot from this.

What you dont know cant hurt you, so next time youre on a plane and the captains voice comes over the intercom mid-ight, just cover your ears and shout, La La La!

OMG! Something you dont know anything about just happened to me, so I am writing this cryptic status update to inform you of the situation.

12

True statement: I have orgasmed every time I have smashed a kittens brains out with a crowbar.4

Learn just enough that the math makes sense, then start doing physics. You dont need to understand everything about how a motorcycle works to hit the road and enjoy the wind in your hair!5

4 I guess this is not really a great example to use to teach someone the meaning of vacuously true. 5 moral: bald people shouldnt do physics

13

Do you ever do that thing where your facebook friends have other friends who are really hot so you click on their proles but you cant see their photos because youre not a friend, just a friend of a friend, so youre about to send a request to a stranger so you can see all their photos, but then you realize that everything in the world is doomed for death and decay and you just give up on all of it and start Googling to try to gure out what your grandmother looked like when she was young?

I was going to indicate that with my nger, but whats the point?

Lets face it. I dont like the front part of your head.

14

Look, guys. It cant be *that* sinful. I mean, Jesus got nailed by dudes, too.

A little bird just told me to stop getting high.

According to science, the atoms in your underwear are mostly empty space.

A resonance is basically just an oscillators G-spot.

zmHZT39feuTKA6dJFfu1eEl4ksnCcHTceaSdHkRdxxW3U07glDMYiaFR2TJ n7BbmWKaWtZGpKgfc1t9wzpSrfqXJL77ktQULccTCaWb5mLRgNIdLsDEg
6 For those of you who were looking for a status with a bit higher information density than that low-entropy crap everyone else is posting.

15

You know how your mom used to say that thing about what would you do if everyone else was jumping o a bridge? That was actually specically designed to prepare you for the day you choose between CGS and SI.

Did you know your eyes will make a squishing sound if you push on them really hard? Try it. Its cool.

You know how sometimes when youre leaning down really far on the toilet to get a better pushing angle the automatic usher sensor cant see you any more and thinks youve gotten up and ushes the toilet and you get a cold, refreshing spray of toilet water foam on your butt? There should be a name for that.

16

Astronomers are in the department of physics the way whales are in the class mammalia.

Has anyone ever told you why self-referential jokes arent funny? Well, by the time youre done reading this no one will have to.

After spending all morning in TA training, Ive learned that the appropriate response if a student asks you out is, No, but if you have a friend...

I have an umbrella. Nothing by the name of Irene will ever defeat me.

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This sentence is a non sequitur because you touch yourself at night.

A lot of disgusting things are actually really awesome if done in private, which is why we invented doors.

You know those yellow cones that say Caution: wet oor? It turns out that does not mean youre allowed to pee there.

Last night there was a really cool lightning storm. It was smoking cigarettes.

Did you ever notice that sometimes people point out mundane stu?

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Apparently 19th-century geneticists thought that inheritance was an averaging process. This was eventually disproven by experimental observations indicating that, even after thousands of generations, we still are not spherical.

Did you know that anagram is an anagram of anagram? Sometimes this shit is just too spooky.

I think I should have a whole bunch of kids and name them Axiom, Denition, Theorem, Lemma, Corollary, and Little Square Box Thingy.

19

Have you thought your life would be way more awesome if you created your own sound track wherever you went? Well, trust me, it isnt. By the way, does anyone know how to get a trombone unstuck from a toilet bowl?

I guess you can add in bed. at the end of a fortune cookie, but an even better idea is to add, , Batman!. Try a few - youll see.

Today someone asked mr what my favorite number is. I thought, How can I have a favorite number? They all just dier by a scale factor, right? Thats when I realized my favorite number is zero.

20

Benjamin Button should probably have been called pmuG tserroF.

So I was eating poop and people were like, thats messed up, but you know what really messed up? Tihs sntecene.

I just met a techer alum who adoringly spoke of your incredible talent for beer miles. Im honored to know you.

I can never remember whether Ricky Martin and Enrique Iglesias are the same person or not.

Sometimes I want to smack people who dont understand turn signals, but unfortunately there are laws against child abuse.

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I want a Facebook app that tells you when someone is looking at your prole, but only if you also happen to be looking at their prole at exactly the same moment.

I knew a guy whose colleagues always spoke of him in hushed tones. It was actually kind of an insult, considering that he was a mime.

Degeneracy has four distinct meanings.

Okay, kids, have fun on the dance oor, but remember to leave room for Jesus! Oh, but if youre Jewish, just go at it.

22

Never argue with a Mbius strip. You can go around and around forever and it will still only see one side of the issue.

It is a deep fundamental principle seems to be working as a euphemism for I dont understand this.

Taking drugs is like playing baseball underwater. It messes up your ability to make reasonable analogies.

Group photo time! Everyone line up according to your level of self-esteem.

23

I dont get the point of audio books. I need someone to read Nabokov to me about as much as I need someone to pre-chew my steak.

I want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately Im not allowed to change other peoples names.

Things always get awkward between me and extroverted girls because I keep misinterpreting their friendly smiles. So if that includes you, sorry I told everyone you have facial seizures.

Im not a multi-tasker. Thats why I close my eyes while I drive.

24

When I have a kid, Ill name him 00John. Hell hate me for it until the rst time he has an overbooked ight and they start going down the standby list alphabetically.

A well-placed quotation, to an open mind, is like a well-placed match in a pile of timber - a serious nuisance to whatever use to be in there.

You have a nice noun. I want to verb it. That would be adjective.

I guess it turns out that ghting re with re is a bit overrated. Sorry about your house.

25

I propose that any time someone writes a sentence in all caps or ends one with multiple exclamation points, they must follow it up with mother fucker!, just so that they understand for themselves the tone of what theyve just written.

If Mr. Spock were really logical, he would say, Live long, and have multiple explosive orgasms.

I bet Bobby McFerrin knew 60 dierent ways to make farting sounds with his body when he was a kid.

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Im really afraid that someday someone will come up to me and just jam their st right into my hand. For most people this wouldnt be so bad, but I spend a lot of time picking my nose.

Never go to a humane society potluck.

Have you ever been watching a music video and thought, That model is really hot. I wonder if she ever did porn? and then it turns out she did, and before the video ends you have not only answered the question, but obtained the relevant media? Not that Im saying that happened to me. Im just wondering if thats happened to you.

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A scientist thinks about the problems no one has solved. A visionary scientist thinks about the ones no one knows how to solve. A philosopher thinks about the ones no one ever can.

just nished a workshop on how to make disappointing status updates. They dont really teach you much.

Imagine the thing you want the most in the world. Now imagine how youll feel when you get that thing. Now imagine how youd feel if you never got it. Did you do all that? Then congratulations, you are good at following idiotic, useless directions.

28

Never give up! If you realize that what youre trying to do is impossible, keep trying anyway until you die. The word quit is not in the dictionary.

Im pretty sure Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics is a eld that was invented to get the worlds smartest people to say its dumbest things.

Whenever dogs barked at me when I was running, I used to bark back. Not any more, though. Now I bark preemptively.

Time passes like a kidney stone you never notice it slipping away, but then you realize its gone and wish you could have it back.

29

Every couple of months I nd Im unable to stop myself from going through and checking the Facebook pages of every attractive woman I know. Yet again, it turns out that none of them have changed their Interested In eld to Mark.

A six-year-old boy asked me to play soccer with him today, but I didnt do it. I just told him to stop breaking into peoples houses.

I hate those insane people who yell about the second coming on street corners. They make those of us who actually are the chosen one look bad.

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Due to watching cheesy action movies, I nd it almost impossible to say, Its time to take out the trash with a straight face. Fortunately, I dont have one.

Man I hate goldsh. I can just feel them, oating there in their little bowls, watching me with those bulgy eyes, judging.

Due to a reection in a restaurant window, I have discovered that my enjoyment of televised basketball games is roughly invariant under parity transformations.

That comic killed last night. He is guilty of involuntary mans laughter.

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Dont think of carving your initials on a tree as defacing nature. Think of it as cutting out that middleman, the paper company.

Computers are great. You can tell them to go sit in the corner and count to one billion and they will just shut up and do it. Try that with a puppy!

Im afraid to go outside at night now. Too may possums.

Analogy is like the study of butts.

I prefer to remain optimistic, so I try not to talk to people very much.

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Pain is either weakness or baby aliens that have been gestating inside your abdomen leaving the body.

I hate when people call me Mr. It doesnt have any vowels.

Dear Facebook friend, I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that I agree with you wholeheartedly; the sports team located geographically closest to you - you in particular is the best and that other one totally sucks.

Why dont those tau people start campaigning for the metric system instead? Or a more logical word to replace eleven?

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I ordered a prime rib, but it didnt have any bones in it. I thought that was weird at rst, but I guess bones are composite.

I cant wait until I have kids! It will nally allow me to put some serious clout behind it when I tell them your mom jokes.

I made a bet that I knew how to use every word in the English language correctly, but ironically I lost.7

The internet is 51% porn and 51% pictures of cats.

7 I felt so bad about it that I went out to buy a dictionary, but then I realized I couldnt because I lost all my money on the bet.

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Next time youre nervous before giving a big talk, just imagine the microphone on the podium is a rattlesnake. This probably wont calm you down much, but still, snakes are fucking awesome.

Im staring at that little map of an airplane where you click on a green seat you want, and Im wondering, if I were I hot chick, which seat would I choose to sit next to?

I dont think I realized, at the time, that if someone actually had paranormal powers they would probably nd something better to do with them than dressing up in a ridiculous outt and coming to a six-year-olds birthday party.

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I was like, Damn, worst brothel ever! Only later did I realize it was founded by the same guy who invented the touch-free car wash.

Nobodys perfect. Thats why you should doubt yourself next time you begin to think that Im not completely awless.

Your beauty is exceeded only by my insincerity.

My great-grandmother lived to be 106. She didnt have any great secrets to health and youthfulness though. She was just a terrible procrastinator.

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For the next month, whenever someone asks me what Im doing, no matter the situation, Im going to reply, attempting to achieve orgasm.

Ignorance isnt bliss. Its actually

Dahourhourhourhourhoury is useful for when there arent enough hours in your day.

I have always found picking up girls to be pretty easy. Most of them are light and cant run as fast as I can.

Girl, you must be my nose, because I pick you!

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I hate it when hummingbirds y around outside my window. It makes me ashamed of my nudity.

I just got an email from Chicagos professional society of piano tuners asking me to organize their annual banquet. Does anybody know how many guests I should expect?

Next time I set o the airport metal detector, Ill tell the guy not to worry - its just my abs of steel.

38

My family has nally acquiesced to my demands and gifted me recreational math books for Christmas, rather than clothing items. Did you know there exists a 6-digit number (in base ten), call it N, such that 2N, 3N, 4N, 5N, and 6N are all permutations of the digits of N? Better than a sweater.

I think Ill reuse last years calendar and keep in mind that 365 % 7 = 1

I get really confused when people use the former and the latter. No matter how many times I go through it, it takes me a long time to gure out that the former means the rst one and that the latter is not about to fall out from under me.

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I think you can do anything if you believe in yourself. I also endorse this corollary: any time you cant stop something bad from happening, you werent believing hard enough.

Dont think of it as death. Think of it as achieving thermodynamic equilibrium.

Rain stops, then I ride to work is not equal to I ride to work, then rain stops. I dont commute with the rain.

The trick with metahumor is to keep your wit about you.

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There are all sorts of treasures awaiting you if you read. For example, I accidentally left a ver in a library book I was borrowing last month.

I like cemeteries because they make it easy to tell which people used to be important.

Today I managed to teach binary numbers to a fourth-grader. When we were done I asked her if she understood the lesson and she said one.

I told my Chinese math student that any time he thinks what Im saying isnt funny, he should assume its due to a cultural barrier. I dont think he thought that was very funny, though.

41

It should be standard practice to build pencil sharpeners into the backs of staplers.

I think there should be a rule that if its raining you can just whip it out and pee wherever you want.

When I think of you, my heart leaps up like a dead frog whose legs are being articially stimulated with an electric current.

Ive never visited a foreign country, but maybe I would like it. Eavesdropping on strangers conversations tends to be much more disappointing if you speak the same language they do.

42

Somehow, we decided it was a good idea to make sin2 x mean take the sine of x, then square that, and sin1 x mean nd the angle such that the sine of is x. This is seriously fucking retarded.

You cant really slam an iPhone, making it much more dicult for me to express my frustration with an interlocutor than in the old days. I need an app that sends a slamming sound right before cutting the connection.

Glee - isnt that the show where a bunch of twenty-something havent graduated from high school yet because they cant think of any of their own songs to sing?

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Caltechs Millikan Library is actually named after Ken, the doll, who funded its construction with one thousandth his lifes savings.

When your friends break up and change their relationship status, Facebook publishes a story about it, which you can Like. I recommend doing this. If its awkward for you to learn about the breakup through a machine, you might as well make it awkward for them, too.

House of Lords, how prententious can you get? What country is that in anyway? Europe I think. Dumbest country ever.

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I am a beautiful buttery, and nothing you can say or do will stop me from soaring with eagles.

If there really are alligators living in the sewers, all I can say is in about three minutes they are in for a big treat.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I think, Who is that handsome man, and how did he get in here? Whats so interesting about my bathroom, anyway?

I had a friend named Howard Yu. When we did roll call, everyone else would say here, but he would say ne, thanks.

45

Hey did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Well there is only one dose left in the Draino bottle. If this doesnt work I am going to have to get the intestinal operation for sure.

I just spent 20 minutes cleaning a shower. Whats next, burying a shovel?

No, Im not an alcoholic. I just have dry mouth.

Why should I water plants? Plants have been on Earth for hundreds of millions of years. If they havent gured out how to take care of themselves by now they are never going to learn.

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My usual debate strategy is to say I dont understand the other persons argument and then pretend this means Ive won.

I was babysitting a four-year-old yesterday. When he asked for some change, he looked at what I had and took everything but the pennies. So seriously, its time to get rid of these things.8

Even after the apocalypse, Im still going to press all the elevator buttons. Fuck you, robot overlords!

I have to take really short showers because Im bad at holding my breath.

mean, come on. Who likes four-year-olds anyway?
8I

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Ive been shing a bunch of times in my life without catching anything. Today I get one for the rst time ever, with my bare hands no less, and everyone gets pissed o. What the hell? There are way too many rules in this aquarium.

Connect-Four was solved completely the year I was born. Im kind of glad no one told me about it when I was a kid though, or I would have thought all that fun I was having was a complete waste of time.

When I came back from the kitchen just now I thought for a minute I had been sexiled. Then I remembered I live in a single, and had just left the porno running.

48

If it asked nicely, sure I would let a unicorn pee on me.

Just think of the possibilities! Today is the rst crappy day of the rest of your life!

Im just reading this paper so the next conversation I have I can quote from it and sound intelligent. Oh, well, sounding intelligent is always good. What about at a NASCAR race?

Sure we can have world peace! All we need is some Martians to gang up against.

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I cant decide whether web designers who add a tag telling you what browser and screen resolution to use when viewing their site are hopelessly optimistic or just completely mad.

When teaching geometry, go right to the point. Dont circle the issue. Make a bee-line. You can present two dierent ideas in parallel, but take care they never cross.

I havent changed my clothes in three weeks. I am the mildude.

It seems like, from what people tell me of their plans, that sexy gets brought back to so many dierent places! It must not be staying anywhere very long.

50

You know whats stranger than deja vu? The odd compulsion everyone feels to announce it aloud every time they experience deja vu.

When leading a group of high schoolers on a scavenger hunt, do not tell them that the intersection of death from their check-o list is the altar to the church, and that theyre supposed to pantomime a human sacrice there.

Crack of dawn? It wasnt even showing signs of stress yet when I got up.

Broccoli must be scared of the dark. I know because I hear its screams when the refrigerator light goes out.

51

Where is my wallet? I cant nd it. I bet someone stole it. Who would do that? People are such evil bastards! When I nd the guy who did this Im going to... Oh, wait. Its in my pocket. I guess I can go to the bank now after all. But wait, where are my keys? I bet someone stole them...

Usually, when I walk around I feel like a peaceful, orderly citizen. Then last night I happened to be holding a golf club. It opened up a whole new world for me. A world of darkness.

Delivering a baby is a lot like tug of war over a mud pit. You yell push for one, pull for the other, but other than that its just a lot of grunting and a very messy ending.

52

You know how on TV whenever something really really bad happens all the sudden the main character wakes up? Im hoping that will happen to me. Ill wake up and realize I didnt actually waste ten percent of my formative years watching TV.

Many people dont want to vacation in some little backwater town because there isnt much out there, yet these same people think it would be really awesome to go to outer space. WTF?

My walk around the lake was seriously disappointing. I saw like a hundred frogs and not a single one of them tried to teach me any letters of the alphabet.

53

Hey, look. We all make mistakes. Although I guess that fact wont really bring your guinea pig back, will it?

Some people build a model Eiel tower out of toothpicks. I want to use them to build a life-size redwood tree. Whos majestic now you stupid tree? Two hundred limbs and you still cant walk anywhere.

I saw this tiny little speck moving around in the sky. I thought it was a UFO so I started calculating its trajectory on my computer, but it didnt work because I got a oating point error.

54

When I was a kid I was really scared of getting my shots. My mom had good advice, though. Stop dgeting so much, she said. Youre not a balloon.

Some people say asian women are the worst drivers. I dont agree. What about eight-year-olds?

What do I need pockets for? I do have a belly button.

Someone please tell me Im not controlled by a need for validation.

I hate it when automatic toilets ush my handiwork away before Im done inspecting it.

55

This week is my last one in Berkeley, so if you were hoping for a goodbye make out session, now is the time to act.

I would tell you what a non sequitur is, but were out of noodles.

Why does 12:09 AM occur before 3:17 AM? I am beginning to think our fancy civilization is all veneer.

You cant stalk someone with Facebook. Whoever youre stalking put information there because they wanted people to read it. To stalk someone you follow them around and peer into their house with binoculars. Get it right.

56

I hate sleeping; the world is too full of good stu to spend a third of my time here blacked out! On the other hand, its necessary, and besides that I do get laid a lot more in my dreams.

Maybe I should name my rst child Mark++, just to make sure my expectations are clear.

Female kangaroos have two vaginas.9

If there is a deity, it is probably pretty confused about how to live up to everyones expectations at once.
9 And the males have a two-pronged penis. When Christopher Robin gets old enough for the sex talk he is going to get seriously messed up, what with Kanga being the only strong parental gure in his life.

57

I bet Carmen Sandiego and Waldo are doing it right now.

You know that story about how if you hold your nose while you sneeze, youll blow a hole in the back of your head? Thats basically what happened to whales.

I will always stand by you. Not because I support you, but because it makes me look good by comparison.

Numbers are clearly out of control. Who gave them permission to do things like this: 3 3 1 + 2 + ...n3 = (1 + 2 + ... + n)2 ?

Trac cones and megaphones look alike AND rhyme. Mindfuck.

58

I was on one of those long, windy freeway ramps with a gazillion twists the other day. I was pretty excited about it, but it turns out they dont actually have pretzel factories at the end of them.

I want McDonalds too sell Melancholy Meals. Instead of a toy, itd have a little black diary to write all your emotions in.

Pandas are basically fatter, slower zebras.

Okay Facebook. Just make everything Ive ever done here public and get it over with. While youre at it, add a prole eld for penis size.

59

If theres one piece of advice Im sure of, its that you should avoid getting a lobotomy. Thats a no-brainer.

What do you mean it isnt sterile? I put it in a Ziploc bag.

Women, if I do not appear intimidated by you, I am probably not sexually attracted to you. However, the inverse does not hold. You might just be seven feet tall.

I want to be an electron reading a choose-your-own-adventure book. Uh, Ill take both.

60

I didnt go to college to learn how to think. I already knew how. Hell, I thought about boobs every ve minutes.

You think your frozen pizza is too good for my microwave? Well screw you, Mr. Instructions-OnThe-Side-Panel-Of-The-Box writing guy!

Taking the contrapositive of Nietzsche, what does not make me stronger kills me.

Quick! I have the Q and the J on my rack. I also have a U. What do I do? (besides stop cheating)

61

Wherever I am, if I have to pee, Ill gure out how to do it. Where theres a willy theres a way.

Have you ever actually wanted to typeset : )? You know, like, This was my little brothers favorite punctuation mark: ). Hes dead now.

I really want something salty, but I cant decide between pretzels, potato chips, and baby tears.

Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. It has been zero seconds since my last blasphemy.

62

Why will the same person who dont believe the combined life work of tens of thousands of climate scientists eagerly tout the results of a single study on acai berries?

I threw a rock at a deer and hit it. It just kind of jumped a little and then kept staring at me. Maybe I need more arm strength.

Dont worry. Theres a name for what you have.

Oh, what a beautiful baby! It even has the right number of ngers to order of magnitude.

63

The last straw has a totally dierent meaning if youre a cow. Then its like, Man, that was the last straw! Now were all going to starve. Moo.

My ma always said life is like the genitals on a twenty-dollar hooker. You never know wacha gonna get.

Dammit robot unicorn game. Now I have to read books because I cant trust myself to sit at the computer.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is probably misunderstood and lonely.

You always use the wrong pronoun.

64

If this recent petition succeeds, then hella gross would be the technical term for 1.44 1029 .

Want to grow cruciferae in the cold harsh winter? Build a broccoligloo.

The pizza place next door closed for two days. I was really worried I might have to start cooking or something, but it turns out you can go without food for two days just ne.

I knew this snowman whose hands were on re so he stuck them inside himself and I was just like, dude, that is so wrong.

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Carrot juice: its not better than sex, but it has more beta-carotene. Thats something, anyway.

I have a plan to become totally fearless, but I havent started on it yet because Im scared it might not work.

I felt like something was missing. Then I realized: I havent been naked in public recently.

Nothing makes me want to watch a video on the internet more than when a little warning comes up rst saying I might not want to see this.

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A tough math problem is like herpes. It bothers you and bothers you and nally you give it to someone else.

I am you worst nightmare. No really, I am. Im public nudity.

My workplace needs to start playing kickball at lunch time. Also, we have to rename lunch to recess.

I hate when I google my witticisms to nd that its already been done. With degeneracy 15,000.

Remember those good times we had being nostalgic together?

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I just de-friended someone for the rst time. It made me feel alive.

Being spied on makes me feel important.

I cant gure out where to write Find your to-do list.

Ive been using Facebook for years and I still dont get it. How are you supposed to win?

I miss you more than I miss the zs from pia.

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Ive been spending most of my time ghting the urge to scream Mortal Kombat! at inappropriate junctures. But...willpower...fading...

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing which of my thoughts are supposed to stay inside my head and which are supposed to trickle to the outside, the way my urine does.

I heard women are attracted to intelligent men so I started correcting them every time theyre wrong to prove how smart I am.

I eat men like you for breakfast. No, wait. That didnt come out quite right.

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Ive just decided I will name my rst child asdf.

I need some data on how that law about public monuments is doing. What are the stats to use on the status of the statute on statues?

Dammit San Francisco. Build more streets along contours.

Think for yourself! How many times do I have to tell you?

STOP HAVING SEX WITH ANIMALS!!10

Jesus is watching you pee.

10 People

are animals, too.

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It is with a heavy heart that I inform you I have just undergone a major surgery. I had an articial heart implanted. Its uranium.

papers sitting around on a desk = messy. papers sitting around on a desk, inside a manila envelope = organized.

You do realize that when you eat something, youre putting it inside your body, right?

Do you think people can change? No seriously, do you? I want to be a dolphin.

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Sometimes I get this weird, lurking feeling that the cosmos is largely indierent to my personal whims and desires.

fuck umbrellas. im just gonna carry my house around with me.

If you rip the technical add-ons out of the end of a book, did you give it an appendectomy?

I just parked my bike in the motorcycles only spot. Thats what you get for thinking youre cooler than me!

If I ever own a small llama, Ill name him just that. Hey there, Smallllama.

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Have you ever been so lost you dont even know where to begin? I felt like that today. I was trying to throw out my trash can.

The plural of toothbrush is now toothbreesh.

I always drink three glasses of water before I go out. Not because I want to stay well-hydrated, but just incase I meet a bush that looks kinda smug.

Damn, water is so good. Its like soda that doesnt even make you burp.

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Be careful about using the semicolon, even if that usage is correct; it can easily be seen as pretentious.

I was hoping someone would give me a globe for Christmas, in case I ever get lost when Im on Earth.11

I seem to be one of the last few English-speakers who remembers the meaning of beg the question.

Im not scared of anything! Not in particular. Instead, Im scared of everything just a little bit.

1111111112 = 12345678987654321
me, sir. Do you know how to get to 350933N, 982632W from here?
11 Excuse

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No way Australia deserves to be a continent. Seriously it is smaller than Brazil and has way less rainforest.

Purposely missed some splotches while shaving my head so I could ask the cute girl next door to help me with the spots I couldnt see.

Next time someone complains about a zit in their nose, Im taking them to the zoo to see the rhinoceros. Also, rhinoceros was the hardest spelling word I had in fth grade and I totally just nailed it. Also, I nished 18th grade not long ago.

procrastimasturbation: eh, kinda tired now. ill watch that porn tomorrow.

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If whoever put that fence up hadnt wanted me to climb it, why did they only bother to electrify it to non-lethal voltages?

Every time I see you, a willowy warm feeling burgeons out through my groin. On a related note, can anyone recommend a good bladder-control medication?

I tend to forget things that arent put in writing. Thats why I wasnt potty-trained until after I learned to read.

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How come people want to y like a bird? I want to y like a dragony. Have you ever watched those things zipping around like a two-inch helicopter? Way more badass than some retarded bald eagle.

screw little square boxes and q.e.d. from now on Im ending all my proofs with BOOM!

lasers are basically light bulbs for earthworms who are really good at going straight.

Does anybody remember what a mnemonic is?

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How long do I microwave a yam if I have to use low power because Ill otherwise trip the circuit breaker?

I was going to go out today to try to make some new friends, but then I realized it would be much easier just to ask the friends I already have to each gain 100 pounds.

Im wondering what it means that I get such singular pleasure from watching AA batteries slip neatly into the slots on my digital camera.

Well, the book is over. I hope it helped make this dump a little more enjoyable for you, and that everything came out okay. Just please dont use the pages for what I think youre planning.