Btw for all the random anonymous readers, this is my NaNoWriMo novel. I know, its amazing. ...

based on the real-life blog http://supaspikerants.blogspot.com Chapter 1: A Song of Rebellion I saw her from across the street. That distant face, it all came back to me so fast. I knew that face immediately. It was Yolga. I saw her. And she saw me. And somebody else saw me seeing her seeing me. And somebody else saw him seeing me seeing her seeing me seeing her. And then somebody else saw a duck and was like what the fuck why is there a duck on this road? But then the duck was like bitch Im a TALKING DUCK! and then punched the guy in the face with his ENERGY BEAK! But back to Yolga. It had been a while. Since last Halloween. She was dressed as a Buddhist. I was dressed as Negobama. Everything seemed perfect. But then one thing messed everything up. My penis got stuck in her alfredo, and she angrily stormed out. Since then it had been a difficult 4 hours. I wasnt even able to look at another alfredo. After I swore that I would never fear again, that one moment caused me to once again fuck Shanelles making me get out of her room. So where was I? Oh yeah, Halloween. So Dick University had this very crowded Halloween Party right on Dick Street. It was full of people. Everywhere you looked you could see people. Everywhere you walked you were walking on top of people. I did not get any fucking candy, so I cannot say everywhere you ate you were literally eating a person, but if I did have candy that would definitely be a case. But one person that I was walking on stood out: Yolga the Soviet prostitute. Maybe it was just the fact that I was standing right on her face, or the fact that she was holding a very sexy-looking brick, but every aspect of her was completely beautiful. Well, except for her tits, those were too small. But I guess I could live with it. Back to the present. Shes drawing nearer. I know that Ill have to acknowledge her existence soon. Speaking of which, dont you just hate when books go back and forth between the present and the past and dont tell you? Like youre reading about the guy playing golf then all of a sudden it switches to This bagel is very cold and hes suddenly six and eating a muffin-er, bagel. Dont worry, this novel wont contain that shit too much. And then the cow I was milking kicked me in the balls. I was like ow cow what the fuck why the hell did you kick me in the balls? Or at least, thats what I would say if my balls werent made of steel. From then on the cow and I were sworn enemies. Everywhere I went it seemed as if the cow was following me. I would turn around and I would see two people, and Id be like thats probably that fucking cow disguised as those two people, the front of the cow would be one of the people and the back would be the other one. But alas, that was only the case like seven times. In each of those seven duels I was forced to face the cow in a minigame (yes, like in Mario Party). But thats not important now, Ill explain all of that later. Back to Yolga. She draws ever nearer. I look ahead at the distance and see that there is another guy drawing nearer at a slightly faster pace than she is. If I time it exactly right I could slow myself down so that when I pass her the other guy would pass right between us and I wouldnt be able to see her and thus wouldnt have to acknowledge her existence. Oh wait, nevermind, the guy just got pulled into a dark alley. So much for that plan. Its not like Yolga and I have this huge bucket of amnesty between us or

anything. Its just an undesired event. Its like when youre walking down the street and this guys like hey take this coupon for a free salad at this random ass restaurant thats like fifty miles away from here that I know youll never go to. You wouldnt mind the coupon, because its just one slip of paper, but you know youll never go to the restaurant so for the rest of the walk youre just stuck thinking geez why the fuck did this guy have to give me this fucking coupon Im never gonna go there and now I have to find a trash can and I wasted all of my kinetic energy reaching out my hand and grabbing that slip of paper and I gotta waste even more throwing it away NOT TO MENTION the tree that had to die just to get thrown away in a trash can AND DRAIN ALL OF MY FUCKING KINETIC ENERGY OH MY GOD!!! and then you kick a baby. You know that feeling, right? Speaking of which, this guy tried to give me a novel on the way back to my dorm the other day. Actually, it was like five people giving everyone the same novel. Like, they would all try to give you the novel so youd wind up with five of the same damn book. Now, considering how I felt about being handed a simple slip of paper, how do you think Id feel about being handed five fucking books all at once? Well, I responded by my testicles still ached from the cow. It had been five long and painful seconds. I knew that I would have to fight back, I just knew it. But the truth was, I just wasnt strong enough. I would have to get stronger. So I began to train. I bought myself an Ab Lounge. I used it two whole times before I finally quit and decided to instead spend my time raking up giant piles of leaves and then jumping into them. It was the greatest spring of my life. I was 17. Yolga draws ever nearer (I said this already). Oh how I desire to fast forward through time to chapter 2 of this novel, where I will most certainly be on a much more pleasant task. Maybe that cow will come back. Maybe I will be taking a shower. Maybe I will be sitting at my laptop typing up a novel. But then again, if I dont run into Yolga, it might affect the entire path of my story. Not running into Yolga at this very moment could transform me into a whale. Ive heard some very unpleasant things about being a whale. Especially when you just kind of turn into one in the middle of the street. Theres not all that much plankton up here. I will press on. I wonder how Ive gotten to this point in my life. How did I wind up right here, a mere twenty feet from Yolga. Most people in the world would not run into her even once in their life, but I am cursed to running into her twice. Dammit its because I had to go and buy apple juice. And the reason I needed apple juice was because I ran out yesterday. And the reason I ran out of apple juice yesterday was because I couldnt drink any sodas so I had to drink the apple juice. And the reason I couldnt drink any sodas was because fucking Jeff drank like eighty six of them over the weekend and now Im out. I should probably buy sodas while Im up here, but I wouldnt be able to carry both apple juice and sodas. Maybe if I bought a bag as well I would be able to carry both, but then I would have to pay for the bag as well. On the other hand, I would have to spend like half an hour later walking over here to get sodas if I dont get them now. And then I might run into Yolga again. Oh shit, Im almost up to her. This is it. Shes only ten feet away. Her eyes are pinned on me. There is no avoiding her now, I have to say something. Hey Yolga, I said with a slight smile. She looked at me funny. Who the fuck are you? came a very masculine voice. I stared for a second. Then I realized that it wasnt Yolga, just some random guy

in a dress. Oh well. So should I buy apple juice or soda Chapter 2: A Very Organized and Well Thought Out Exposition I got both. I decided I would be able to carry back both two 12-packs of soda and a container of apple juice. Which is a mistake when your dorm is a half-hour walk away and the buses are on strike. Yes, the buses. Damn things think they deserve to get some money since they have to carry like fifty people around all day. The city obviously denied their request, so they all just decided to take a vacation to Disneyworld until we all gave in. Really, why the hell would buses want to go to Disneyworld? The place would be even more crowded than it is now, plus they couldnt even get in because they dont even have any fucking money because thats why they went on strike in the first place. This makes no sense. Geez me, get your story together smh. Smh means shake my head for the sake of adding more words to this novel. But this chapter isnt supposed to be about buses or sodas or internet abbreviations. This is supposed to teach give all of you loyal readers exposition to my amazing story. So my name is SupaSpike. I like booty. I hate alfredos. I am 18. I think fruit punch is too red. I cant talk when Im sideways. I wear jeans a lot. I once fucked a catfish. My friend Josh is a bisexual rock. I can transform into a burger. I currently attend Dick University. Its not really called Dick, but I obviously cant tell you all where I live or else youll stalk me. Dick University is a pretty alright place, once you get over the constant squirrel wars, the groups of cults constantly trying to recruit you, and the fact that Shanelle goes there. Every day I wake up, eat a pop tart, go to class, go to another class, go to another class, work somewhere, jump off a fucking bridge, get drunk, get high, get laid, and then go to sleep. Wow, this chapter is getting really fucking boring. Its as if just writing down a bunch of random-ass facts about myself would not be exciting. Well I dont know why its not working, but I think Ill have to shake things up a bit. So for the only time in this entire book (I promise), I am going to lie about what happens next. As I was walking, this squirrel fell out of a tree. This girl walking next to me was like oh hey a squirrel fell out of that tree! because shes obviously very smart and not ditzy at all. Then all of a sudden this other squirrel began charging at the current squirrel. It launched itself at it and it started biting its its off of its its when I decided that it was enough and that I had to save it from it so I kicked it and it flew away from it. The squirrel squealed why thank you SupaSpike for saving my life! I was like Holy shit that squirrel knew my name! and the squirrel replied with Of course I know your name SupaSpike, your awesomeness is known by everyone in the world, both man and animals, so everyone knows who you are and your name and what you look like and how awesome you are, except for that random guy in a dress in Chapter 1. This is part of the exposition in case those of you readers arent catching on. Why thank you squirrel for that very helpful expositional material, said I. No problem SupaSpike, said the squirrel with a very squirrel-like wink, do you have any more questions for me? I thought for a second. Why yes I certainly do. What is the purpose of this novel?

The squirrel thought long and hard about this question. Well he began, you are writing this novel for National Novel Writing Month, which is a month-long marathon of a book-writing that has to reach 50,000 words and hey is that Sunkist? The squirrel eyed my 12pack. Why yes it is, I replied, would you like one? I certainly would. Well here you go then. I opened up the box, dumped all of the cans onto the ground, and handed one to the squirrel. There is no way that eleven separate cans would make my walk back to the dorm more difficult at all. So anyway, where was I? continued the squirrel, sipping his Sunkist. Oh yes, this books point. Basically there isnt one yet. Basically, you have a shitload of schoolwork to do, so you plan on writing this book to distract you from your schoolwork. At the end of the month, you must have a 50,000 word novel or else YOU WILL LOSE THE GAME! Dammit, I just lost the game, I stated quite obviously. What else will happen if I dont finish? Well, I will cease to exist, along with any other characters invented for the sole purpose of this novel. Youll stay alive though because of your totally awesome and epic blog, which could be found at http://supaspikerants.blogspot.com! But yeah, other than that youre pretty much good. Youre probably better off just stopping right now actually so that you dont have a nervous breakdown at the end of November because you put off all of your work until then. Aw, but then Id have to do work. I was getting thirsty as well, so I decided to open up a Mountain Dew. I would have preferred a Sunkist, but then there would only be ten left compared to twelve Mountain Dews, so I would probably have to drink two Mountain Dews around to make it even. Besides, its not like having to carry 22 cans of soda back to my dorm would be hard or anything. Another question, I asked the squirrel, When is this story going to have any sort of point? The squirrel thought longer and harder than he had ever thought before, then finally responded. Idontknow. Oh. I sighed. This is the last time I let a fucking dumbass squirrel explain everything to my readers. Oh, I got one more question. Its kind of been bugging me for the last couple minutes. Why arent the buses running today? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? screamed the girl from about a page ago, FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW WHY THE BUSES ARENT RUNNING, YOU FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE LIKE TWO PAGES AGO, ITS BECAUSE THEY WENT TO FUCKING DISNEYWORLD WHICH MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE SITTING ON A DAMN LOG TALKING TO A DAMN TALKING SQUIRREL? AND INSTEAD OF ASKING HIM HOW THE HELL HE COULD TALK AND KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FUCKED UP BOOK INSTEAD YOU ASK A QUESTION THAT YOU ALREADY KNEW THE ANSWER TO??? NOT TO MENTION THAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE JUST SITTING HERE DRINKING SODA, HOW THE HELL DID THE SQUIRREL OPEN THE SODA CAN? ITS NOT LIKE HE HAS FUCKING THUMBS OR ANYTHING! She then stormed off muttering to herself.

The squirrel and I shook our heads. Dumb blonde, I said, Though I guess that answered my question. Strange that I totally forgot about the bus strike, especially since I spent like half of a page talking about it. Yeah, said the squirrel, you have a tendency of just saying pointless stuff just to increase the word count of this story. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. Im on a boat bitch. IM ON A BOAT BITCH!!!!! yeah, like that. Any more questions? Oh, how did that girl know I was sitting on a log? I never mentioned it, so I didnt even know I was sitting on one. The squirrel looked confused. That is weird. We looked over to where the girl the girl was storming off to, but the area was deserted. Nothing was there except for a small orange. Damn! said the squirrel, only five pages in and we have a plot twist! I thought it would be another two days or so until you finally came up with one. Yeah I know, Im awesome. Hey you wanna hit up the clubs later? Sounds like a plan. I gotta go now though. Its not like I have anything to do but Im just getting bored of talking to you. Ttyl! Ok, cya :D! and with that, I picked up my 22 cans, my container of apple juice, and my bundles of new knowledge and trudged back to Fuck, which is the name of my dorm and I totally forgot to mention that earlier. I wonder if theres anything else I forgot to mention. Oh well, Ill just cross the unnamed bridge of all-knowing truth that holds a deep and dark secret that will be revealed later on in the story and will later take the life of one of my fellow acquaintances and continue on my way. Chapter 3: Leave Your Stupid Comments in Your Pocket I returned to my dorm. In there already was my roommate Jesse, who was busy ringing up some hos. He stopped mid-ho-ring-up when I came in because Im so epic and he wanted to talk to me. Oh hi SupaSpike, he said excitedly. Wow, Im adding adjectives to my dialogue endings now, its like Im becoming a real writer or something. Oh hi Jesse, whats up? I replied. Nm, just chillin. U? Nothing at all. Then we just kind of stared at each other for ten minutes. Then I heard someone knocking on the door. I went to see who it was. It turns out that Dustin was knocking on Ubeks door. Ubek lives across the hall from me. Dustin was holding a football and waiting for Ubek to answer the door. Oh hi Dustin, I said, walking into the narrow hallway.

Dustin turned around. Oh hi SupaSpike, you know if Ubeks home? Then we heard our suite door slam. We looked over and saw an angry Ubek coming over, muttering to himself. I did not hit her, it is not true, its bullshit, I did not hit her. I DID NAHT! He threw his water bottle at the ground in anger, then looked up and saw Dustin and I. Oh hi Dustin. Dustin looked completely unmoved by his entrance. Oh hi Ubek, whats up? I had a problem with Evan. She said that I hit her. WHAT? exclaimed Dustin, displaying a little emotion, well did you? No its not even true dont even asssssk! Whats new with you? well Im just standing over here thinking you know. I interrupted, wait a minute, you came over here to see if Ubek was around, presumably so that you could play football with him. They ignored me. I got a question for you, Dustin said to Ubek, do you think girls like to cheat like guys do? Ubeks face looked completely unchanged. What makes you say that? I dont knowI dont know Im justjust thinking. Well I dont have to worry about that because Evans loyal to me. Yeah man you never know, Dustin devils advocated. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she hada dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up on a hospital on Guererro Street. Ubeks emotionless face finally broke as he began to roll on the floor laughing z. A ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a story Dustin! Yeah you could say that again, said Dustin, rather unnecessarily. I am so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Evan so much. Yeah man, yeah you are very lucky. Well maybe you should have a girl Dustin. All of a sudden this dark, mysterious music started coming out of nowhere. Yeah, maybe youre right, Dustin replied slyly (oh hey another adjective!). Maybe I have one already, I dont know yet. Well what happened? asked Ubek. Remember Betty, thats her name? Betty? Yah. yeah we dont see each other anymore. You know, she wasnt any good in bed. She was beautiful, but wehad too many arguments. Thats too bad. My Evans great when I can get it. The music intensified. Dustin prepared for a soliloquy. Ohhh man I just cant figure women out. Sometimes theyre just too smart, sometimes theyre flat out stupid. Other times theyre just evil! Ubek thought for a second. It seems to me like you are the EXPERT, Dustin! Dustin shook his head. NopeIm definitely not an expert Ubek. Ubek started to look concerned. Whats buggering you Dustin? Dustin paused. He looked dramatically at Ubek, then began to walk away. Nothing man. Ubek chased after him. Really, do you have some sort of secret? Why dont

you tell me? Come on! Forget it dude! Ubek took the football for no reason, Is there some sort of secret? Come on! NAH, FORGET IT DUDE! ILL TALK TO YA LATER! He kind of stormed off in a semi-angry fashion. Well whatever, muttered Ubek, tossing up Dustins football and heading into his dorm. As the music ended, I was left alone in the hallway, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Jesse came out. Dude, what the fuck was that? No clue. I walked into the dorm and came to a stop. Something looked different. Hey Jesse? Yeah? Have we always had this many pictures of spoons hanging up around here? Chapter 4: Who Are You Calling Pinhead? and thats why stuff is even more fucked up than usual. I had just finished explaining to Jesse about how Im writing a novel and that could explain why some stuff may make no sense yet. I see, he was obviously confused. So since this whole thing is really a novel I dont actually exist? Nah, you exist, because youre based on a someone I know in real life, whos also named Jesse. Some things may be different about you in this novel world though. Really? Well Im pretty normal, how am I different in real life? Well for one, you dont have red hair in real life. What color is it? Um I thought for a second, but couldnt for the life of me remember what color his hair was. I really cant. I think its brown, but it might be kind of blonde as well. I should really start paying more attention. Probably brown. Also you dont have two noses in real life. Jesse scratched his left nose. Oh, that makes sense. Ive been wondering about that for like the past fifteen minutes. So why did you decide to change my hair color and give me an extra nose? Not sure yet, itll probably have some sort of impact later on in the book, I havent decided yet. I thought about how annoying it must be to have two noses. You would probably sneeze twice as often as usual. And then when you had to blow your nose you might not know which one is running so youd have to try blowing both of them. You now have four different nostrils that could be filled up with boogers. And what if you sneezed with both of them at the same time? The entire universe might die. I feel pretty guilty for giving Jesse two noses, but its too late to do anything about it now. Its not like this novel makes me God or anything. Jesse sneezed through his right nose. Well anywayswhat happens now? Not really sure, we just gotta wait until I write something more interesting I guess. You wanna go somewhere where an actual plotline might be?

Sure. Where would you be likely to write something interesting. Not really suretheres a basketball game tonight. Wanna go there? Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. We got our stuff and headed out. But first we decided to go and get everyone else. So first we went to Shanelles room. Shes the lamest college student ever, so she obviously didnt want to come with us, but since this is my novel I was able to force her to come. Then we went over to Comers dorm. We knocked on the door only to have two beautiful women open it. They were wearing only their underwear. The room was filled with smoke to make the place seem very mysterious, which is sexy in some sort of way. You all get the clichd scene Im trying to create here. The women checked the two of us out, then one of them nodded her head in approval. Come on in. Hell yes, I stated, and started to head in. Jesse stopped me, Hold on a second, they smell like AIDS. Ah, okay. Now I feel less bad about giving Jesse an extra nose. Because he has two noses, he now has the power to smell STDs from a mile away. Good call, I said. If I got AIDS, then no doubt would the rest of the universe have it by the end of the week. Yes, I am that fucking amazing. So have either of you ladies seen Comer? What the fuck is a Comer? the one on the left asked. Yeah, what the fuck is a Comer? the one on the right asked. That was very unnecessary, said the one on the left. Well, saying that what I said was unnecessary was also unnecessary. Everyone could tell that what I said was unnecessary, they didnt need you to say that it was. WELL, which seems more unnecessary? Me saying that what you said was unnecessary or you saying that what I said about what you said that was unnecessary? Add that with the fact that what you said had no point to begin with and youre by far the most unnecessary one out of the two of us. O RLY? Which seems more unnecessary, the one who was unnecessary to begin with or the one who finds it so important to tell the other about how unnecessary she is? Well youre doing that too, so add that to the fact that youre the unnecessary one to begin with, and guess who loses? Thats right, you do bitch! Youre mom is an unnecessary bitch! OH NO YOU DIDNT! They leapt on top of each other and started this pretty intense catfight. It was pretty intense, but I wasnt paying attention because I was too busy wondering why Comers room was filled with two fighting half-naked women and notComer. So I called him up and was like Bitch where you at? UmIm in my room, why? Im at your room. Youre not there, but two half-naked women are. Um, Im pretty sure Im in my room. Then he hung up. I turned to Jesse. He says hes here, but hes not here. I think its a riddle. Then Shanelle realized she was in the story and spoke up. You dumbasses, this is the wrong room. The names on the door say Unnamed Hot Girl 1 and Unnamed Hot Girl 2, not Comer andwhoever his roommate is.

Oh, ok. Well that pretty much made the last five minutes pointless. So the three of us left UHG1 and UHG2 to fight it out, as thousands of other males rushed to the suite from miles away to see the catfight. We walked one suite over to Comers room and knocked on his door. This time Comer answered. Sup? Wanna go to the basketball game? You dumbasses, the games not for another three hours, its only 5 o clock. We could go eat though. Oh yeah, I forgot food existed. Lets go there instead. So we left Fuck and headed off to Dick Head Dining Hall. Hopefully something actually interesting will happen there, because all of the talking squirrels and half-naked women are probably boring all of you readers to death so far. Chapter 5: Why Wont Anybody Tell Me Whats Hannenin? But before we left Fuck we realized that we completely forgot to invite Jacob With A Mustache to eat with us. I have no idea why I forgot Jacob With A Mustache right now, but now I remembered him so we found him and then went off to Dick Head. Nothing interesting happened on the way to Jacob With A Mustaches dorm, so Im not gonna go through a long detailed explanation about our trip there, even though by writing out this entire paragraph I pretty much am taking even longer writing a paragraph about how Im not gonna write a paragraph. Im really perplexing. So we headed into Dick Head to eat some delicious cafeteria food. Before we went in, however, the cashiers tried to tell us we couldnt take our shiny brick in. Oh yeah, I forgot, while we were on the way to Jacobs dorm we found this multicolored brick lying on the ground. It was all the colors of the rainbow and it was shining and sparkling and I swear that when I first saw it there was this angelical chorus playing in the background. So we picked it up and decided to take it to Dick Head with us, because why the hell not. I guess that did have some sort of value and I probably should have mentioned it. Oh well, too late now, I guess I have nothing better to do than just talk about how I should have talked about something but then I didnt. Im really perplexing. It was a little after five, so of course everyone in the entire fucking school was having dinner now and Dick Head was crowded as fuck. So of course the five of us decided to spread out and get our food first and not try to get a table to save for us. I went around looking at all of the different food choices, trying to find somewhere that would actually have some sort of point in this story. My search was granted when I walked over to one of the cafeteria lines and looked at the menu: Deep Fried Pizza Mushed Mushy Stuff Something Actually Normal The Answer to SupaSpikes Problems Ill take the mushed mushy stuff I told the cafeteria lady. She looked surprised. Are you SURE thats what you want? I think theres

something else on here that you would like better. I stared hard at the menu, but then realized that I was holding up the line so I started to panic. You see, if I was one of those people in line I would hate it if someone was just sitting there staring at the menu trying to decide what he wanted. I would probably take that persons head and shove it into all of the trays of food, forcing him to taste some of every item there so he could make up his fucking mind for once. I didnt want that to happen to me, so I just decided to fuck looking again at the menu and continue with what I was going to order. Im sure, Ill takewhat was I ordering again? My nervousness made me forgetful. You were gonna get the answer to SupaSpikes problems. Ok-wait, are you sure? That doesnt sound familiar to my memory. Well your memory is a fucking dumbass. Take this shit, it will be helpful. But I dont need helpful shit, I need shit that will taste good. If only I could remember wha- HEY DUMBFUCK, PICK SOMETHING ALREADY! screamed the girl behind me. She then proceeded to take my head and shove it into the tray of something actually normal, which tasted absolutely disgusting. Or at least thats what she would have done if I wasnt fucking awesome. She looked me in the eyes, realized that I was fucking amazing, and shoved the face of the dude behind her in the tray instead. Then I fucked her. On the cafeteria counter. I later found my comrades sitting and eating at a table in the very back corner of the cafeteria. Apparently this was the only table they could get. Strange how that table is always open, youd think other people who need somewhere to eat would sit there as well, but whatever. I sat down, but something seemed out of place, like I was missing something. Dude, wheres your food? asked Comer. Shit, I forgot. I realized that in the midst of my antics I forgot to get food while I was up there. I quickly returned to the line where I was beforehand. You again? said the cafeteria lady. So you finally gonna listen to my advice? No. Just give me the mushy mush mush or whatever the fuck its called. Bitch please, you come here, argue with me for five minutes, are stupid enough not to get the food that has your fucking name in it, hold up my line, and then have sex on my counter. What the hell is your problem? Wait a minute, how come you dont think Im awesome? According to the squirrel everyone in the world besides the man from Chapter 1 knows of my awesomeness. Its becauseI am not from this world. OH MY GOD MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR EXTREME EPIC AWESOME CRAZY PENIS SANDWICH PLOT TWIST! I ignored this. Nevermind, just give me the mush. She began to get really annoyed. Look, Im not gonna give you this mush shit until you get the other thing. Well Im not gonna give you the other thing until you give me the mush shit. Ok, so Ill give you both, then youll have both, and well all be good. No, that would be too easy. Then this chapter will reach the same boring ass conclusion as the last four. What the fuck are you talking about? The last four chapters involved a catfight,

a talking squirrel, a man in a dress, and whatever the fuck Chapter 3 was about. Youre a good writer, you just have to belieeeeeeeve you are. Ah, okohh I get it thats the thing you were trying to give me! Advice! I felt extremely rejuvenated and thankful that this woman was so persistent. Uhhhhh no. This is what I was going to give you she reached under her table and pulled out a tray full ofWHY THE FUCK IS THIS LINE TAKING SO LONG??? screamed this guy from the back of the line. He picked up a midget and threw him at the soda machine. Soda then exploded and started flying everywhere. It landed on this one guy who was wearing a shirt that said I hate soda. Then the soda touched the shirt and his shirt exploded, leaving the dude naked (yes because he was wearing nothing but a shirt). Everyone saw the naked guy and was like OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE A NAKED GUY IN THE CAFETERIA and everyone went fucking crazy. There was food flying everywhere, tables being burned to the ground, and like fifty lesbian orgies all over the cafeteria. I think I even saw someone take a poo and throw it at the overhead fan. As I was watching this whole shitstorm, Chris the Bulgarian ran up to me. What the fuck SupaSpike, did you cause this? Of course not, blame the midgets. If it wasnt for them then no one would have hit that soda machine. All of a sudden I started to feel really thirsty. I went to go get some chocolate milk because chocolate milk is fucking amazing. I poured myself a cup when all of a sudden this girl ran up to me. She looked scared. Whats wrong? I asked. Theres shit hitting the fan, Im so scared. Please fuck me now, because that will make me feel better somehow. Kay. Just let me finish my chocolate milk. So I chugged my chocolate milk. Luckily it was chocolate milk, which is like the only thing that I could actually chug, because its fucking amazing. Then I fucked this random girl I met like five seconds beforehand. It was also amazing. Chapter 6: Meanwhile, Whilst I Was Fornicating and thats why stuff is even more fucked up than usual. Jesse had just finished telling everyone about how Im writing a novel, and thats why everything is so weird. So if you guys have any weird features like an extra nose or anything its all SupaSpikes doing. You dont really look like that in real life. Umwere all actually pretty normal. It looks like the only one of us SupaSpike changed was you Come quipped. (Quipped? Really? Im now using very unnecessary variations of the word said? Im seriously afraid that Im turning into a writer now.) Well you guys might not notice that you look weird but you really do. I didnt notice my hair wasnt really supposed to be red until SupaSpike pointed it out. Actually, you look fucking weird with red hair pointed out Shanelle. Yeah, its obvious that its not actually red in real life said Jacob with a Mustache. Yeah, we all know that its usuallybrown or blonde or whatever the fuck it is said Comer.

Wellwhat about Jacob With a Mustaches mustache? Im pretty sure he never had one of those in real life. Dude its no-shave November, thats why I have a mustache. Next week it might be a goatee or something. Well what about Shanelle? Im pretty sure shes not black in real life. What the fuck? Ive always been black! Well how about Comer? I mean, how do we know he even exists not in this book? Well what would be my purpose in this book then? As of now the three of us are just taking turns giving ambiguous responses to whatever youre saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, who said yeah the third time? I did. You did? Yes, I did. Why did you say that again? That was rather unnecessary! What was more unnecessary, me being unnecessary or you saying that- SHUT THE FUCK UP NOT THIS AGAIN! Wait what do you mean again you werent even there for that whole argument. That wasnt me who said that. That was me. I was there for that argument. Oh, ok. Everyone was quiet for a second. Its weird when my novel actually stops having pointless conversations and everyone is just standing around doing nothing. Someone should go do something. I feel very useless here, said Shanelle. We should probably go help SupaSpike find the point of this novel or whatever hes out doing now. UmIm pretty sure hes having unprotected sex now, said Jesse. How do you know that? asked Jacob. You havent left us since that piece of shit hit that fan. I could feel the ground shaking. ANYWAYS! said Shanelle, Im bored and its obvious that if we just sit here well just be having more meaningless conversations about nothing. Butmeaningless conversations are fun, said Comer, rather unnecessarily. Well I think- ARRGGGHHHHHH~~~~~~ screamed Shanelle. Thats it, Im going to look around this shitpile, you guys could stay here and do whatever. She stormed off. Looking around the cafeteria, she didnt even know where to start. She didnt even know what she was looking for. I dont even know what shes looking for, just something interesting I guess to help move along this storyline. But it cant be too interesting, because then shell just wimp out and not do anything about it, because shes fucking Shanelle. So she is looking for something too interesting but not too interesting. THAT

shouldnt be hard at all. She passed the pizza section. Amidst all of the people fighting there were also giant pizza monsters running around trying to throw people into the oven. She stopped for a second to witness what was going on. She saw a pizza pick up a student, toss pepperoni on him, along with mushrooms, peppers, onions, sausage, cheese, more cheese, olives, anchovies, bacon, even more cheese, Canadian bacon, pineapple, even more cheese than that why the fuck do people want so much cheese on their pizza, and pretty much every other item they could find, and stick the kid in the fucking oven. She decided that this was too interesting and ran off. She later came to the vegetarian section. Amidst all of the crazy food flying around and lettuce people and everything there was a group of people sitting there eating like nothing had happened at all. They were just sitting there eating their food and laughing and talking like something in this novel was actually fucking normal. I cant let that happen, but well get back to that later. Right now Shanelle had to decide that this was too normal and head off again. She got to the desserts section. She saw a vast array of cakes and cookies and parfaits and the like, all being picked up by crazy people to be thrown at other crazy people. She shook her head; what a shame it was that they were wasting such good deserts. But then she noticed something odd; amongst the deserts, right next to the very out of place section with the bananas and oranges was a mixture that seemed like it definitely wasnt a desert. She walked closer to see what it was. When she noticed it her mouth dropped open. This is perfect, she decided to say to herself for some reason. This is weird, but not too weird that I would run away from this situation. I must bring this back to SupaSpike to notice, because how odd is it that right in the desert isle I would find AHHHHH OOHHHHH MY GOODDDDD! She was suddenly pulled back. Youve seen too much now! said a very dark and mysterious voice. Now you must disappearforever! And with that, she was dragged into okay so I was just sitting in Econ class when that fucking cow jumped out of nowhere and attacked me. It just jumped on top of my head and started milking on me, because thats totally how cows attack people. So I was like oh my god I have milk in my hair oh yeah and theres a giant cow on top of me but my econ teacher was like SupaSpike stfu Im trying to talk about something but Im not really talking about it Im off on some tangent about being in the army. Eventually I was able to shake the cow off of my ass and the fight was on. This Toad came out of nowhere and explained the mingame. The game was called Look Away. Since I was the challenged one, I was set to be the leader. The two of us had to start shaking our heads while some random-ass music played out of nowhere. Then the music stopped and I had to look in one direction, and if the cow looked in the same direction as me I lose. I would normally have five tries, but since this explanation is kind of boring me Ill only give myself one. The music began. Our heads started rocking uncontrollably. I knew I only had one shot. I thought of which direction a cow would likely look if he knew that I was standing there thinking about which direction the cow would most likely look. Because if he knew that I was trying to think of what he was trying to think then he would try to think of what I would think he would try to think to do what I dont think he would think I would think he would think so that he would think to do what I dont think he would think I would think he would do and he would win. Oh fuck, the music stopped like ten seconds ago and I didnt move. I looked over. Neither

did the cow. I guess he was too busy thinking the same that I was thinking and lost track of the music as well. SupaSpike wins! Yayyyyyyyy! cried the Toad. Everyone cheered, because they were obviously cheering for me because I am fucking amazing. MOOOO MOOO MOO MOOOOOOOOO! screamed the cow, which probably means something along the lines of You may have won this round SupaSpike, but this wont be the last of me! I shall return in a flashback in a few later chapters to seek my revenge! And with that, he exploded and disappeared. Milk splattered everywhere. It was weird as shit. Oh, but back to the present. So I dont really remember what was going on (actually I do), but I think I was focusing on Jesse, Comer, and Jacob With A Mustache as they continued to talk about pointless shit. and thats why Charmander turned into a dick when he evolved into Charmeleon, finished Comer. And thus explains every single pointless thing in existence. Wow, whod have thunk that wed ever be able to talk about so many pointless things without Shanelle interrupting us with her lameness or SupaSpike interrupting with his epic awesomeness, quipped Jacob With A Mustache. Yeah, butnow we have nothing else to do, said Jesse, obviously disappointed. Want to look for Shanelle or SupaSpike? Its been like five hours, so he might be finished fornicating now. Shouldnt something have happened by now, like the dining hall would have closed for the night or the army would have shown up to stop the giant personified pizzas from throwing students into the oven? Yeah, that would make sense. But whatever, lets walk around. So the three of them walked around. They passed all of the pizzas, who were now spreading out giant human pies for all of the other pizzas to come and eat. They might get superpowers and be able to bring other pizzas to life or something after eating the human pizzas, maybe theyll start taking over the world now and thatll be the main problem in this book. Or maybe Ill have something better, and theyll just kind of disappear and Ill never hear from them again. But for now theyll just walk past them. They entered the vegetarian section, where they saw the table of normal people from earlier having their eyes being ripped out by a colony of giant jellyfish. The jellyfish were then sticking their tentacles into the empty eye sockets and shocking the humans insides. This might do something to the humans, like turn them into evil half jellyfish people, or it might just kill them. Maybe this will appear later in the story as well, Im not sure. But once again, our three comrades will just walk past the two of them for now. The three arrived at the desert section. It seemed as if nothing interesting was there, so they were about to move on, when suddenly Jesses right nose sneezed. ASDKHFDSFJ! Because that is how a fucking sneeze sounds in real life, not a fucking ahchoo. Sorry, I must be allergic to something here. He paused. Or maybeI am smelling suspense. Look around everyone! Comer and Jacob With A Mustache looked around. They couldnt find anything anywhere. Yup, something definitely happened here, concluded Jacob With A Mustache. It is way too normal in here considering there was just a five-hour massacre. Someone definitely tried to clean up evidence of something.

Whats that over there? Jesse pointed at the part of the desert section right next to the Bananas and Oranges. It was an empty spot on the counter. Yesit definitely looks like something was here at some point in time, said Comer. All of a sudden, a giant ball of smoke appeared out of nowhere. Out from the smoke cameme of course. Finally, Im back in the storyline. Hey guys, so I totally had sex twice in the dining hall tonight. I know its like three less than the average but the second time was pretty epic so I think it could count as like four. SupaSpike, as amazing as your sex life is, there is a much bigger issue at hand, interrupted Comer. Something definitely happened here at one point tonight. Oh yeah, there was a dark shadow or something creeping along, but it was probably nothing. Lets leave, well probably miss the basketball game. Um dude, its like midnight. The game is over, and even if it wasnt I would guess it would be cancelled because there was a fucking massacre at the dining hall a half mile away and like half of the student population is now a giant pizza. Oh fuck, I forgot to call squirrel, we were supposed to hit up the clubs tonight! I panickly (yay I created a new word) called squirrel. Hey man, sorry I forgot to call you, but shit got pretty fucked up at Dick Head over here ya know? Fuck no I dont know SupaSpike, you know all that I put off tonight so I could chill with you? This one ho came up to me and was like something something something but I was like fuck no Im hanging with SupaSpike tonight. But nooo, instead I was just stuck here all night waiting by the phone for your call, this is the LAST time you stand me up! I think I might come back later as your enemy, Im not sure yet! But if I do, youre gonna get FUCKED UP! Then he hung up. Damn, now Im sad. When I began writing this novel I didnt plan to lose any friends in the process, but then I did. Major major MAJOR colon D. Oh wait, nevermind, I got laid tonight, I dont care. Chapter 7: Are You Suggesting A Swallow Carried Those Coconuts? As the four of us were walking back to the dorm, I realized that something was missing. Umis it just me or are we walking back with a lot less than we came with. Hm, yeah it does seem like were missing something, said Comer. Did anyone else come with us? I dont think so. Ubek and Dustin were acting too weird tonight to bother bringing along so I didnt invite them. Wouldnt it have made sense to invite them then, since you want something to actually happen in this story? Well yeah, but I meant like something actually exciting. Whatever was going on with them was just fucking weird. Well SupaSpike, youre writing this story, you could just look back in the book to see what were missing. Nah, my laptops all the way in my dorm. Oh well, it cant be anything too

important. We walked across that bridge that I was talking about before in Chapter 2. You know, the one that was gonna fucking kill someone at some point in this book. This chapters getting kind of boring, maybe I should just make that happen now. Dramatic music started playing, like something epic was about to happen. Dude, this is pretty badass, said Comer. Its like someones about to die here or something. Yes. Yes it does, I said, laughing at his irony even though I was the one who decided he would say it so you really wouldnt think I would find it funny would you? Well it turns out that I do find it mildly amusing but not really I dont even know what Im typing this is just a bunch of random words put into a giant sentence but theyre not really random words since theyre part of a sentence structure if they were truly random words they would be like apple pickle rainbow ejaculate hippopotamus singing gargoyle but the sentence is not like that therefore it is not random although technically that wasnt random either for a set of words to be truly random I would have to assign each word in the dictionary a random number then use some sort of a random number generator to fucking statistics! Oh wait, I remember what I forgot now! HOLY SHIT GUYS I REMEMBER WHAT WE FORGOT! NOW NONE OF YOU HAVE TO DIE YET! Say what? said Jesse. Were missing my brick! What brick? asked Jacob With A Mustache. You know, the one I found on the way to your room. It sparkled and it was like a shitload of colors and everything. I brought it to dinner hoping it would make something happen, but I kind of forgot it existed right about when I went through the cafeteria line. I dont remember that at all, said Comer. Yeah, Im pretty sure that never happened, said Jesse. NO it did you guys just dont remember because I didnt really make a big deal about it actually none of you really consciously knew about that trip. You see, I didnt really touch on it until after it happened, so it wasnt really made clear what you guys were doing when I found that brick. You guys might not have even been there, I could have taken a completely different route to Jacob With a Mustaches dorm, or I could have just gone there myself without you guys (yes I had to say both by myself and without you guys just to emphasize the something). But wait, wouldnt we have seen you with the brick on the way over here? asked Jacob With A Mustache. No, because I didnt mention that I was carrying it with me while I was walking. Since nothing special happened involving the brick it wasnt even made clear when I lost it. I could have lost it on the way to Dick Head, I could have set it down right before I began fornicating, I could have set it down right before I began fornicating again, or I could have just dropped it on the way back here, except I think Id notice if I dropped a brick. Hell, I could have been carrying it with me this entire time and I would still have it if it wasnt for the fact that I decided to lose it so I wouldnt have to kill one of you guys. Seriously, whats this shit about us dying? asked Jesse.

So basically you found a brick and lost it at some random point throughout the night. Also, none of us knew about it because you didnt mention it specifically but you really did just in the past tense? But since everything here is in the past tense none of this argument makes any sense at all. Fuck you Jacob With A Mustache, dont point out my flaws. Yeah, I just bsed all of that off the spot. The physics of this book change every chapter now. Maybe next chapter well just start floating in anti-gravity. Note: The next chapter wont be in anti-gravity. Thats dumb. Right. So are we going to go back and look for the brick? asked Comer. Erm I looked back. Dick Head was like 50 feet away. Fuck was like 5,000. There are pizza monsters and all that shit inside Dick Head. Theres Ubek and Dustin being nuts in Fuck. I could play Guitar Hero if I went back to Fuck. Shit its cold outside. Yeah lets go back I guess. We reentered Dick Head. The place was a fucking ghosttown by now. The pizza monsters and giant jellyfish and everyone were gone. And some idiot cut off the lights too, just for dramatic effect. You guys go off that way, Ill look over here by myself. This had no strategy to it at all or anything, I was just tired of writing dialogue. Those quotation marks are annoying, and I get sick of having to start a new paragraph after every sentence. Plus putting Comer and Jesse and Jacob With A Mustache in here talking just makes this novel even more pointless because then we just have pointless conversations with each other about how nothing ever makes any sense and I feel like explaining every little thing in this fucking book in such great depth just bores you guys and it has no point other than just me increasing the word count of this novel which by the way is about to hit 10,000 words. Woo, almost 1/5 of the way there! So I was walking through the desolated cafeteria. It was so deserted it was freaky. Like even the deserts were deserted. There was nothing around, no food or human remains or anything. Even the spot that had nothing in it that Jacob With A Mustache pointed out before was gone. Yes, the spot on the counter had disappeared. I decided that this required much more than my random walking around to solve the mystery oh wait Im just looking for my brick there is no mystery yet just a trail of blood and the distant sounds of a girl screaming. So I went over to where we had sat for dinner. The table was gone and the brick was nowhere to be seen. I walked over to where I was arguing with that lady for like ten minutes. She was gone, as well as all of the food and the broken soda machine where the guy threw that midget. But waitthe midget was still there. And he appeared to be in agony. And drenched in soda. I ran over to him (well more like walked at a semi-decent pace). He saw me and tried to speak. Itsitsits you. SupaSpike! The ch-ch-chosen one! What are you talking about crazy midget? I asked him. The- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the- the prophecy! It says that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- thatthat- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- thatthat- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- thatthat- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- that- OH MY GOD THAT WHAT FUCKING TELL ME ALREADY! That- penis penis cracker fuck. And with that he took his last breath and left

this earth. Okay, well that didnt help at all. I shoved the body to the side and moved along. A short while later I had finished scavenging every section of the cafeteria. No sign of my brick. Of course, considering that everything in the cafeteria had disappeared, it would make no sense for a giant shining multicolored brick to still be here. Of course, the dead midget made no sense as well. Talking about a prophecy, I mean sure Im awesome and everything, but come on, everyone knows prophecies are never actually used in decent storylines. And since were now moving our story along I see no use for any prophecy. In fact OH MY GOD I JUST REACHED 10,000 WORDS I see no point in putting in anymore pointless plot twists to force the storyline forward. I then felt a hand tap my butt. I whisked around just like how the whisks usually do and saw someone I would never expect to see in this story. Because right out of the shadows of the dark and desolated Dick Head Dining Hall came is it just me or am I getting lighter? Chapter 8: This Chapter Definitely Does NOT Take Place in Anti-Gravity. Thats Dumb That cliffhanger from last chapter would have more of an effect if I didnt have to give away who it was in the chapter immediately after. I could always go over to someone elses point of view, just to add to the suspense, but I just did that two chapters ago, and the story is about ME, not fucking Jacob With A Mustache or anyone. So I guess I have no choice but to go ahead and end the suspense. Or I could just keep talking and hope that you guys care enough that my stalling is slowly driving you closer and closer toGeez SupaSpike get along with it already! said Jenny. It was me, Jenny. Im the one who snuck up on you! There, the suspense is over, now we can get along with the damn story. Christ! Whoa Jenny, what are you doing here? Someone called me over here, they told me there was a huge massacre and there was nothing they have no idea what caused it. Why would they call you? Youre a cashier at a pizza store Oh, Pizza and More closed down. I have a new business now, I drive around in a van solving mysteries, most of them involving monsters. Do you solve them with a talking dog? Umno, dogs cant talk. I do it with all of my cats. can your cats talk? No. Thats dumb. Wellthat sounds boring then. Fuck no dude, my cats and I get ourselves into the craziest situations. Like this one time we went camping and got stuck in this storm so we sat in the van eating Lunchables and I almost got struck by lightning! And this other time when we tried to get into this concert but it got sold out so we drove around downtown for like three hours looking for somewhere to park! Seriously, it was like the craziest shit ever! Umthat wasnt you and your cats. You were with Shanelle and Jeff and I all those times. And theyre not exactly the most exciting stories ever. Well you know what, fuck you! Game. I lost the game.

Fuck. Jenny lost the game. So anywayyou have any idea what happened here. Umwell this guy threw a midget into a soda machine and the machine exploded and made a fat guy naked or something I dont really remember it was like three chapters ago but shit hit the fan and I dont really know how everything happened but the pizzas just kind of came to life some point during the night and started cooking people and giant jellyfish just came out of nowhere but that was alright because they killed people I didnt like because they were trying to be normal oh by the way have you seen a brick? a brick? Yeah, I found this brick that was shiny and multicolored and it might even glow in the dark Im not sure because it wasnt dark when I walked over here but I brought it here and then I put it somewhere and now its gone. Seriously SupaSpike, how the fuck do you get laid so much when you carry around bricks and do stupid shit like this all the time? Eh, Im just awesome. Oh by the way, do you know of any sort of prophecy about me? The dead midget over there told me I had a prophecy, something about penis penis craker fuck. He also said I was the chosen one. >_>. Really SupaSpike, I dont know why youre putting so much shit into this novel already. You already got this whole mess, some sort of magic brick, we still dont know what that mystery food the cafeteria lady wanted to give to you was, theres that whole thing with Ubek and Dustin, the random empty space in the dessert aisle, some midget is telling you a prophecy, and now you bring me in here for no fucking reason. Youre only one fifth of the way through your novel, take a fucking break from all of this random shit and just go chill or have one of your epic rants about nothing. Umalright I guess, if you say so. I wouldnt have put you saying that entire rant if I wasnt going to go through with it. Good. Now I gotta go investigate this mystery a little more. Alright. Call me when you figure shit out, whenever I try to make myself get somewhere on this I just get distracted by something (the midget was a great example). Alright. Ill see you then. Bye. Then she disappeared. I wonder how much longer it will be until she starts figuring shit out. Thats it for me though for a while, no more adding unnecessary plot twists to this already confusing storyline untilSUPASPIKE! I turned around and saw Jacob With A Mustache calling to me. I float- er I mean I casually walked over to him. Whats going on? I asked. Come quick, we found something extremely suspenseful and plot-twisty! I slowly followed him into the depths of Dick Head Dining Hall. He stopped in a secluded corner, where no one would look unless they were stuck looking for a very long time because the one they were waiting for kept getting distracted with midgets and Jenny. Comer and Jesse were also standing near the corner, and there, right in the corner, wrapped inside a giant tortilla, was none other than our good friend Shanelle. What the hell Shanelle, why are you trapped inside a giant tortilla? I asked.

Cuz while you were having sex I was trying to help your lame-ass story find a plot. But I got kidnapped and- what the hell, fucking get me out of here first! Hm I examined the tortilla. This thing is pretty sealed shut. It looks like well have to eat our way through it. Okay, one of you fucking do it then. WellIm not really hungry at the moment, said Jacob With A Mustache, one of you guys do it. Ermthat tortillas been laying on the ground for probably at least four hours now, said Jesse. Im not gonna eat it. I dont feel like taking my retainer out, I said. Shut up, its a valid reason. Jesse, go ahead. Pass, I secretly hate Shanelle so Im not gonna free her either, said Comer. Shanelle gave the most what the fuck face. Or she probably did at least, her face was kind of buried in the tortilla so we couldnt really see it. And when I was typing gave I accidentally typed game instead so I just lost the game, thought all of you guys should know. Great, she said, so Im just supposed to lay here in this tortilla until one of you guys decides to eat me out? Thatll be a while, I told her. And we really dont feel like waiting around much longer, so youll have to walk with us back to the dorm. I cant move my damn legs! Yeah you can, theyre the only part of you thats actually free. Come to think of it, you could have just gotten up and left a while ago. could you at least help me get up? Hell no, whats the fun in that? Now we could make a crazy YouTube video called Shanelle tries to stand up while being trapped inside of a tortilla. So the four of us got great entertainment as we watched the tortillaized Shanelle try to stand up. Comer recorded the whole thing. After about ten minutes of struggling she eventually was able to get up and balance herself out. Oh by the way, she began, guess what I saw right before my kidnapping! Its gonna help move your story along a ton and- NO! Dont tell me what it was. Jenny advised me to just take a break for now and stop with all of the plot advancements. Whoa, Jenny was here? said Jacob With A Mustache. What the fuck SupaSpike, Jenny was here and you didnt even tell her to stay until I could see her? said Shanelle. Well I had no idea where you were, and she just kind of came and told me that and then left. If you werent trapped inside of a tortilla you could probably run and still catch herbut she might run over you with her van. How the fuck is Jenny going to drive a van? said Comer. Shes already crashed like twelve times with her regular car. Comer makes a very good point. In fact, how the hell did she even make it all the way here from where she lives. This might be the biggest mystery in the book so far. Maybe one of her cats drives the vandammit SupaSpike stop trying to solve everything. Thats not important guys, I told them, the thing is we should all just chill for the

rest of the night. Lets just go back to the dorm and work on the rest of this novel tomorrow. Alright. Sure. Kay. But- but- but I actually found something useful to the story, said Shanelle. SupaSpike you should probably know whats going on, it looks like someone might be coming for you. Shut up, I said no more plot movement for the next chapter at least. Were going back to the dorm. So the five of us (with Shanelle still in a tortilla) headed back to Fuck. Little did we know about the shadow that was lurking in the shadows (so I guess it was an even more shadowy shadow) that had been listening to our entire conversation. But hey, I cant really talk about that now, so more on that later. Chapter 9: Tal Como Mantequilla En Un Chango Pelon So I have a Spanish composition that I have to write tomorrow, but I cant find a way to memorize what Im supposed to write. Yes, I plan on memorizing my entire story so I could just copy it onto my paper tomorrow. I know I know, shame on me, Im a loser, I suck at Spanish. But anyway I cant memorize this, which is really sad considering that I now know pretty much the entire roof scene of The Room by heart. So to kill two birds with one stone, I will now write my story into this novel, therefore helping me study and knocking out the word count that I need to reach. Dont worry though, it will be totally relevant to the plot. For those of you trying to learn Spanish, try reading along so you too can gain from this night! Or you could pick up my terribly incorrect grammar and fail everything, one of those Hey guys, I said as we were all walking back to Fuck, I have a story to tell you all, but I can only tell you guys it in Spanish! Cool, said Jesse. El semana pasado, la ciudad de <my city that I cant give away because you all will climb into my windows and snatch all my people up> tuvo una celebracin para el da de los muertos. Wow SupaSpike, how interesting that your city of <my city that I cant give away because you all will climb into my windows and snatch all my people up> had a celebration for the day of the dead! exclaimed Jacob With A Mustache rather excitedly. El primer da, muchas personas vinieron a las calles del centro y celebraban para todo el da. Wow SupaSpike, how amazing that on the first day of the day of the dead many people arrived in the streets that were located downtown and celebrated for the entire day! said Jesse. Muchos cocineros conocaron las comidas para la occasion. Nosotros comimos muchos platos. Wow SupaSpike, how confounding that many cooks cooked food for the occasion, and you all ate many plates (of food I guess), said Comer rather unenthusiastically. De medioda, haba comido los panqueques, las salchicas y la langosta con la

mantequilla y los camarones. Wow SupaSpike, how fucking sexy it is that by noon you had eaten pancakes, sausage, and lobster with butter and shrimp! exclaimed Jesse with immense passion. Los vendedores en la celebracin vendan muchas frutas y vegetables tambien. SupaSpike you are a fucking idiot, youre supposed to use the preterite there not the imperfect, said Shanelle In A Tortilla. Cuando vi a mis padres, ya haban comprado los duraznos, las sandas, las zanahorias, y los pepinos. Why SupaSpike, what an amazing usage of the pluscuamperfecto. I think I might just cum myself said Jacob With A Mustache. Ms tarde, en la noche, todas las personas fueron al cementerio para pagar respetos a los muertos. Why SupaSpike, dkfds kdf adsf;lkf,e youre amazing, said Comer. Es una pena que muchas personas hayan muerto. How many damn times are you gonna say many people? Youre gonna fucking fail this, said Shanelle in a Tortilla. Alright, this is getting really boring, and Im being like thrice as slow as Id be if I wasnt doing this shit. Ill need a distraction though to get the others to not notice that Im changing the subject. All of a sudden this girl on a bike crashed into Shanelle In A Tortilla from behind. WHU-AAHHHHHHH cried Shanelle In A Tortilla, because its totally necessary to write down the exact sound she makes. Bitch watch where youre walking! screamed the girl on the bike. Except she got off of her bike so shes now the girl not on the bike. By now I might start describing what she looks like so you all could get a visual image of our new character, but it was dark, and her face was covered with a hoodie. Well, the hoodie covered everything besides her face but it make it pretty damn hard to see her face as well. I bet shes totally hot though if she did have a face. But anyway, she then decided to step on Shanelle In A Tortillas feet to add insult to injury. Or more injury to injury. Or more injury to injury to the insult of the fact that shes still trapped inside of a fucking tortilla. Hey there, calm down. She obviously didnt mean to harm you at all, said Jacob With A Mustache And A Goatee, trying to keep the peace. Hey you, mind your damn business, said the girl. Damn shes a bitch. Im making her too one-dimensional I think. I should add something to make her a more likeable character. Then a puppy ran past where we were. Oh hey look, a puppy, said Jesse rather obviously. Holy fuck hell yes I love puppies, the girl exclaimed. She got off of Shanelles feet, dug into her backpack, pulled out her gun, and shot the puppy in the face. Well that didnt work. The girl looked up at us and saw our estranged expressions. She then realized what she had done. Oh wow, sorry guys, I dont know why I did that. I guess I kind of had a rough day. So I guess I do know. Ok, maybe it did work. What the fuck you just shot a puppy because you had a BAD DAY? screamed

Jacob With A Mustache And A Gostee. No, puppies dont deserve to die because yovve had a BAD DAY! What if the damn puppies had a bad day, would you be ok if it shot you? I wouldnt be anything because Id be deadwell Id be dead but besides that I wouldnt be anything, this girl was obviously smart. Or at least not stupid. Actually, nevermind, shes just ridiculous enough to become a permanent member of our group. We are WAY too much of a sausagefest. *sigh* If only she wasnt a total bitch. Or maybe thats just what our group needs, some attitude. Because right about now not much is happening. Like these random back and forths between all of us are interesting and all (well, not really) but wheres the emotion? Do any of you actually feel anything when Jesse says whatever to Comer, I cant even bother looking back to find an example because I fell just SO empty when I see them talk. And theres the fact that like of the time who says what in these pointless conversations are interchangeable. That sentence wasnt all that clear but I just care so little even about complaining about this, and its like 1 in the morning now so of course what Im saying makes no fucking sense at all. Blah bleh fleh flem fleg flag fuck. I turned blah into fuck. Maybe I should go back to the actual story now and see if this mystery girl would like to join our slightly strange but less dysfunctional than we all wish it really was group. Hey weird girl- SHUT THE FUCK UP SUPASPIKE! screamed the Girl That Was On Her Bike But Is Now Off Her Bike. WHILE YOU WERE OFF DAYDREAMING JACOB WITH A MUSTACHE AND A GOATEE AND I ARE IN A HEATED DEBATE I SWEAR IF YOU INTERRUPT ME AGAIN I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BIKE TIRE! or you could just shoot him with your gun, said Comer, who had been strangely silent for the past page or so. Ok, I said, continue then. This seems like a good opportunity to see this girl interact with other group members, to see if shed be good for this group. Or she might shoot Jacob With A Mustache And A Goatee with her gun. Why do we keep having to say with her gun? Why do I keep having to question every single thing that I write in here? Do I really start contradicting myself in my head in real life every time I think a thought? I should probably look into this the next time I think. But enough of my thoughts, I bet theyre not entertaining you at all. So onto Jacob With A Mustache And A Goatee and Girls debate. Alright I guess youre right, said the girl, I wont shoot anymore puppies unless they themselves cause me to have a bad day. Damn, I missed it. Oh well, Ill assume it was an extremely entertaining yet nonthreatening to our lives debate. Hey girl, I began, I like your style. I want you to join our group. We usually hold a very extraneous screening process when finding new members, but as you can see our group is kind of dull as of now, so Im prepared to offer you a full scholarship. What do you say? The girl paused for a second. But it wasnt a good pause, like a Im considering it pause or a Fuk yeah SupaSpike of course Im gonna join Im just so honored I need to take it all in and Im so honored that I cant think straight and I fuking cant even spell fuk right. FUKKKKKKK!!!!!~ pause, it was an bad pause. I hope she doesnt shoot me with her gun right now. Oh wait, if she does shoot me I wont have to finish this novel. I wonder what will happen to me if I finish this novel. Will all these plot devices just disappear in my regular life? Or will they just kind of stay there hidden until next November? Shit Im thinking about my thoughts

again, I hope Girl hasnt gone on doing whatever or whatever. I should look up to see if she is doing stuff. I looked up. She still had that paused face on it. The bad pause face. I should probably ask her what that face means. So I think I will. Why the bad paused face? I eventually asked. And by eventually I mean now. She looked up. SupaSpike, do you not know who I am? she asked. Her voice sounded very sincere. I froze. No I didnt know who she was, but if I asked this would be breaking my own rule for the rest of the night. This would most likely extend the plot, because she wouldnt have acted like who she was was important if it wasnt important. And who she was wouldnt have been important unless it helped move the plot along. BUT, she was by far the most perplexing character I have met in this book not counting the mysterious cafeteria lady who tried to give me something and who said she wasnt from this world, HA I bet you totally forgot about that didnt you so did I until I remembered it, which makes a whole lot of fucking sense. But Im really getting annoying with all of this internal thinking, normal people dont think this much. No I dontwho are you? I asked. Hopefully she will reveal who she is and it will be someone interesting and I could finally end this chapter on a cliffhanger, and then maybe next chapter I wont be thinking about fucking everything every time someone else says something else. Oh my god Im doing it again, come on girl say who you are GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!!!!! The girl looked at me. I could tell that under her hoodie was a very serious face. She took off the hoodie to reveal to me her face. I stared at it for a good long time. Then I finally spoke. I have no idea who you are. Dammit, this chapters never going to end. seriously? SupaSpike Ive been in this damn book already, Im that fucking girl from Chapter 2. Remember, I yelled at you because you were drinking soda with a squirrel! Then I stormed off and you and the squirrel made a big deal about me knowing something I wasnt supposed to know! And me knowing that you all knew that I knew what I wasnt supposed to know shows that I know more than I should know even more than you know! Oh yeah, you! I remembered. Well this doesnt move the plot forward too much I guess, I could live with it as long as I dont ask any more questions. Oh, so I know who she is now so I could end with a cliffhanger. Though its not really a cliffhanger anymore because I kind of destroyed the suspense by putting in this extra paragraph. Oh well, no suspense for you guys, sorry. Sad face. Chapter 10: NEW CHARACTER UNLOCKED (spoilers) Ok sowhy dont you think that me knowing who you are is going to make me not want you in our group? I asked. Well, based on your tone in Chapter 2 it didnt really seem like you thought too fondly of me. It seemed like you were going to try to make me your antagonist or something. Plus you kind of mumbled dumb blonde after I left. Oh yeah, well that was before I got to know you. Now that I saw what kind of person you really were Id be glad to call you my friend. Especially after you shot that puppy

just because you had a bad day. My reasoning is awesome. And I guess youre not going to be my antagonist if I just spent like two pages thinking about how I want you to join our group. Or she could really be the main villain, and me letting her into my group would just get her closer to destroying me. But I wont bring this up to myself, I think Id like to see where this idea is going. Hm okay, but Im still not sure if I want to join your group. I mean, Im a total bitch, so I obviously have many, many friends. But if you stay with me, youll get to be in this story. If you go back to your other friends who arent in this story youll just kind of cease to exist. Not true, I could come back whenever the fuck I want. All I have to do is run one of you guys over again. It cant be that hard if I was able to do it the first time without even trying. Hey bitch, are you hungry? asked Shanelle In A Tortilla, Im starting to suffocate in here. Yeah, but Im not gonna eat just a tortilla. Get me some salsa or beef or something and Ill eat you. The Still Unnamed Girl paused for a second. Wait a minute, how did you wind up in that anyway? Oh yeah, we never actually asked you how, we just kind of stared, remembered Jesse. Welllll Ill tell you guys now if you promise to free me, said Shanelle, relieved to know she would finally become free. You see- NO! I suddenly screamed. I TOLD YOU GUYS ALREADY, WE WILL NOT BE ADVANCING THE PLOT ANY FURTHER FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT! So why are we even still talking to this chick? asked Comer. She was in the book already, apparently she has some strange past or something, and now were trying to put her in the book even more. Sounds a lot like plot advancement. SupaSpike wants some booty, thats why, said Jesse. No, its not because of that! Shes not advancing the plot, Im getting her to join our group for something much more important than this silly novel. She will be advancing OUR LIVES! That sounded good enough. She actually was pretty cute, I certainly wouldnt mind tapping that. But thats not the real reason, the real reason was becausewait I told you guys the real reason already, I spent like the whole last chapter doing all of this. But we do need a new permanent character in this story, one who actually develops and stuff. We need a dynamic character, yay for 8th grade literary terms! And I cant really develop any of the other characters because theyre real people and making them dynamic might actually change their personalities forever. Holy shit itll be like Inception! Soyou guys want me in your group just so that I could advance your lives? No, just me. Im pretty sure the others dont even want you in, I said, because thats definitely a way to get someone to join your group. What do you say guys? Umshes a total bitch, so no, said Comer definitively. Yeah, I dont want her either. If she gets in Ill have even less of a point in the story than I do already, said Jesse. I dont give a shit, somebody just free me from this damn thing, said Shanelle. Umso she knew that you knew that she knew what she wasnt supposed to

knowdammit! Jacob With A Mustache And A Beard had not been paying any attention to the whole last page of dialogue, he was still trying to figure out what the girl had said at the end of the last chapter. Well yeah, Im getting tired of arguing with you now, so decide whether you want to join us or not. Its true, I really am getting tired of arguing about this, and Im really running out of points to present to her and questions for her to ask me and reasons to give for why she should and shouldnt join, damn maybe its not even worth it trying to get her toYeah sure, Ill join, she finally said. Triumphant music began playing. An angels chorus was heard coming from the heavens. Fireworks appeared and a giant ball of confetti fell out of the sky. Everyone came running out of their dorms and started doing this very well-choreographed routine. It was both creepy and horrendous. But that doesnt matter, Random Girl finally decided to join our group. Which reminds me, I still dont know what her name is. Hey, whats your name by the way? I asked. its Shanelle, she said. Wow, really? Of all the damn names she could have she decided to have the name of the only other female main character in this story? Great job me. Um, do you have like a cool last name we could call you instead or something? We kind of already have another Shanelle in this story. Im not in a fucking tortilla, thatd make a difference, said Shanelle. Mwa ha ha ha, neither am I! screamed Shanelle No Longer In A Tortilla. We all gasped, for she was no longer in a tortilla. Apparently the giant mob of crazy dancers decided that they were all hungry so they freed her. Yeah well this is gonna get confusing. On second thought, I dont think youll make a very good fit in our group. Sorry. I told Shanelle. Not Shanelle who Ive known forever, the new Shanelle. Im not gonna pull any stupid twist like tell Shanelle that shes out of the group but it turns out I was talking to old Shanelle and I kick her out of the group, that would be predictable. And it would be really, really dumb. Fo realz. WHAT THE FUCK SUPASPIKE ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU JUST SPENT THE LAST TEN MINUTES TRYING TO GET ME TO JOIN YOUR GROUP! THIS CONVERSATION HAS SPANNED TWO CHAPTERS AND YOU HAVE PROBABLY BORED ALL OF YOUR DAMN READERS CRAZY BY NOW, AT LEAST THOSE WHO ARE STILL READING THE BOOK, WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE ONE PERSON. I AM SCREAMING IF YOU READERS CANT TELL BY MY CAPITAL LETTERS! IT SURE IS A GOOD THING THAT THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON EXISTS, OTHERWISE IT WOULD BE A PAIN IN THE ASS BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE TO HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY WHEN I TALKED! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, IM JOINING YOUR FUCKING GROUP WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, NOT FOR YOU OR FOR ME OR SO THAT THESE FUCKING DANCERS HAVE SOMETHING TO DO BUT SO THAT YOUR DAMN READERS WILL ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE THERE WAS A POINT IN THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS! said Shanelle calmly. Alright, whatever, I really dont care anymore. Lets just get through this thing so we could start a new chapter in the morning. Lets just walk back to Fuck and go to bed. Um, I dont live in Fuck I live in Poo, she said. I gave a long, annoyed sigh. This girl has been in our story for three minutes and

shes already fucking everything up. Well youre living in Fuck now, we all live in Fuck. Youll just have to sleep in the elevator. So then we all picked up our things (and by things I mean Shanelles bike) and headed back to Fuck. We were about to head inside when I saw something shining in a tree. I curiously went over and found my brick! It was in the brick tree all along! Oh by the way, the brick tree is where bricks appear after they get dropped off bridges or something. Its fucking magical. Well anyway, I found my brick and we all went our separate ways to our rooms. And Im sure nothing interesting happened at all between the hours of 2 am and 10 am, when I woke up. Nope, nothing interesting at all. Chapter 11: You Sank My Battleshit! Comer arrived back in his dorm. In there was his roommate James and his best friend Hagrid. They were smokin weed and watching TV. James turned around. Whats up bro? You want a hit? No dude, I dont want a hit. And Im not your bro, okay? Comer plopped on his bed and sighed. It was 2 am and all he wanted was to get some sleep. But it seemed like that wasnt going to be happening for as long as James and Hagrid were there, stoned, and watching television at max volume. That reminded him, tonight was Friday, he missed Supernatural earlier! This night couldnt possibly get any worse. Actually, was it really that bad, he thought. After all, he got to hang out with his friends, argue about pointless stuff, watch an epic food battle thing, watch Shanelle get run over by some bitch on a bike, watch SupaSpike argue with some bitch for like two hours, watch Shanelle try to stand up while in a giant tortilla, watch SupaSpike talk about his sex life and all of the adventures he experiences while hes not there, oh and NOT watch Supernatural. Yup, the night really had been terrible. Just then James and Hagrid burst into an extremely irritating laughter. Its funnybecause he blew his fucking head off! screamed James. This laughing continued for a good ten minutes. Alright, Comer wasnt going to put up with this tonight. Not after his extremely lengthy, unproductive, and non-Supernatural filled day. Okay guys, Im going to bed, so youll have to go watch whatever the hell this is somewhere- DUDE SHUT UP! Hagrid suddenly shouted. They were watching a commercial for burgers. But not just any burgers. The most unnecessarily made burgers in the world. They have no point in existing, except that they were smaller than the average burgers, so you had to buy more of them, so you probably wound up paying more total for them, but for some reason being able to stuff five of them in your mouth in one or two bites brought you so much more satisfaction. Yes, they were watching a commercial forDude were fucking going to White Castle NOW! demanded James. Hagrid grab your coat, Comer grab yourself. UmIm not coming with you guys. Im not hungry, and Id rather listen to another two hours of that bitch arguing with SupaSpike than be stuck in a car with you two. Dude youre fucking coming with us whether you like it or not! demanded James. I used demanded already. Oh well. Yeah, you are, reassured Hagrid. So far he is doing a great job at being

nothing but Jamess bitch. So through some amounts of persuasion that I am too lazy to decide what they are, Comer wound up getting stuck with James and Hagrid on their craptastic journey to white castle. They left the dorm room and decided to wait for an elevator instead of going down six flights of stairs while stoned. That wouldnt be very fun. When the elevator door opened they stepped inside and foundsome random girl sleeping in there. What the fuck why is there some girl sleeping in the elevator she must be wasted as fuck! said James rather loudly. That was quite a brilliant line of dialogue if I do say so myself. The girl woke up, because its kind of hard not to when theres some guy screaming in a closed space and the entire elevator now smells like marijuana. What the fuck, Comer why the hell did you wake me up? This was obviously Shanelle by the way. The one who just showed up like two chapters ago. The one who I told had to sleep in the elevator. Dont blame me, these two guys are trying to take me to freakin White Castle. I wouldnt have gone along but they used some strange persuasive techniques that I cant mention what they are at the moment. Dude, we should totally take this bitch with us. Then we can bang her, said James. Yeah, we should, said Hagrid. I really do a great job at writing dialogue for stoned people. I also do a really great job at writing sarcastic comments about how crappy of a job I do at writing stuff. I swear, if any of you guys say another fucking word I will drag you by your ankles to the balcony of whatever fucking floor were on and toss you off. Unless were on the first floor, then Ill just punch you in the balls seven times. Shanelle was even more of a bitch when she was tired. The elevator stayed completely silent for the rest of the ride down. Comer, James, and Hagrid exited quietly. Damn, whoever enters the elevator next is going to get their ass kicked, said Hagrid. As the three of them left the building, four other individuals came running in, high off of the jollies of Friday night college shenanigans. Comer recognized two of them as Sabrina and Kathy, Shanelles roommate and suitemate, respectively. The Shanelle thats been in this story the whole time that is, the one who doesnt have to sleep in an elevator. Comer noticed that the other one was that Bulgarian guy Kris. The other one seemed less familiar, but he recognized him as Kriss roommate, Joey. Dude, I cant believe we made it ALL the way to White Castle! shouted Sabrina, that place was like, FIVE HOURS AWAY! I know, and Im so hyper from all of our Friday night college shenanigans that I think Im just gonna scream incessantly about nothing for the next minute straight! said Kathy. Oh hey look guys, it is an elevator that is open! pointed out Kris. The four of them ran into the elevator, then began to scream incessantly about nothing. Well that was ironic. So guys, how exactly do you plan on getting to White Castle, seeing as how its like five hundred miles away and none of us have cars? asked Comer. Well find a way. If those dumbfucks that just got into the elevator could do it then so could we, said James. The three of them stepped outside and looked around. Ha, got

an idea! James ran over to the brick tree, grabbed a brick from it (this one wasnt shiny though L), and used it to break into some random car. Dude what the fuck we cant be breaking the law its some damn tiny burgers I could make some for you if you want them so bad, said Comer. Shut the hell up dude, I want fucking White Castle. Geez, youre acting like such a little bitch. Thats supposed to be Hagrids job. Yeah man, said Hagrid. With you taking my little bitch role I pretty much have no real point in this entire story. Oh hey, just like my entire night so far. This was turning into quite a crappy night for Comer. Sure the just walking around for hours putting up with SupaSpikes epic adventures werent exactly fun, but this shit was fucking breaking the law here. Comer looked back up at the dorm where he saw tons of people gathering towards the balcony, gazing down at them. Oh by the way, the car alarm was going off like crazy, because thats kind of the shit that happens when you fucking bust a brick into a car window. Suddenly, Comer got an idea. HELP HELP! he screamed. IVE CAUGHT THESE GUYS TRYING TO BREAK INTO THIS CAR HERE, BUT THEYRE GETTING AWAY! SOMEBODY COME DOWN AND MAKE SURE THAT I AM NOT FORCED TO GO WITH THEM TO- Oh shut up you little bitch, said James. He grabbed Comer, dragged him into the car, and sped off. Damn, Comer mumbled. Well so much for sleeping tonight. Hey wait a minute, how did you get the car started if all you did was break into it? James thought for a second. Dude Im so high I cant remember shit. It just kind of turned on I guess. So they drove for a while. None of them really enjoyed the ride; Comer was refusing to say anything until he was back in his dorm, and James was too fucking hungry to do anything but talk about how fucking hungry he was, and that pissed off everyone in the car, especially James. All was going pretty crappy until James saw a hitchhiker and decided to stop for him. Dude what the fuck are you doing? said Comer. What good do you think would happen if we brought a hitchhiker along with us? Wow you said you werent going to talk again until we got back to the dorm. You didnt even last fifty words without saying something. But yeah Im picking this guy up because he probably wants to go to White Castle with us. Why the hell wouldnt he? The car stopped completely. The door opened and in walkedNeil Patrick Harris. Holy shit dude its Neil Patrick Harris! said James. How many times do I have to tell you dont call me dude! said Comer angrily (yet again). What up bros? said Neil Patrick Harris, Normally I would give some amazingly awesome dialogue about how amazingly awesome I am but I dont want to one-up SupaSpike so Ill cut right to it: Im hard as a fucking my dick and I want to go to a whorehouse. Um hey Neil Patrick Harris, its cool that you want to chill with us and all, but were kind of going to White Castle now, and were definitely not horny at all. You could go there tho if you want. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DUDE IM FUCKING DOOGIE HOWSER,

YOU CANT TELL ME WHERE I CAN AND CANT GO! You know what, fuck this. And with that, Neil Patrick Harris picked up the brick and slammed James in the face with it. Stunned, James fell out of the car. Comer and Hagrid went over to see if James was okay, and once they were out of the car NPH drove off, leaving them stranded in the middle of the road. James awoke a few minutes later. What the fuckdid Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car? Well, Comer replied, ignoring the fact that you stole the car in the first placeyes he did. SHIT DUDE, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Oh my god, dont call me dude again! Dude, I dont give a shit! Until I get some fucking White Castle burgers in my throat Im gonna call you dude as much as I want! Alright, so what are we gonna do? Were stranded in the middle of nowhere, two of us are high as fuck, and SupaSpikes getting really tired of writing this chapter! This is like a really lame version of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, except without all the parties and tits and shit. Eh, not really, said James. I mean, sure were going to White Castle and all but other than the two really have nothing to do with each other. What the hell? Youre stoned out of your mind, youve been driving out of the way of everything for like four hours, and we just picked up Neil Patrick Harris who stole our car. How is this NOT like Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? Dude, we havent even gotten to the part where the girl adopts a dog and names it White Castle to keep it from being put down or whatever. No, that never happened. Why the hell did you drag me on this ridiculous adventure? Dude Im fucking high, I have no idea what the fuck Im doing and HOLY SHIT A LION! James saw a ferocious lion approaching them. It too had the munchiesexcept for humans! Mwa ha ha ha! James approached the lion. Yo dude, were trying to get to White Castle, think you could bring us there? Dude, hell yes! I fucking love White Castle, just hop on my back and Ill take you there. Okay, well that was unexpected. So James and Hagrid jumped on the lions back and it ran off, leaving Comer stranded. Well this is great, Comer thought to himself. He was stranded in the middle of a really crappy parody with no way of possibly getting back to his dorm in time for the football game tomorrow. Not to mention that if there was one lion in the forest there will likely be more running around, except these likely wont be stoned and looking for White Castle. He needed something amazing to get him out of this mess. It would need to be a plot hole of epic proportions, and it would have to happen fast, because Im getting really tired of writing this chapter. Suddenly a car came flying down the road. It drove nearer and nearer towards Comer and braked at the last second so he didnt get hit. The window opened up. Excuse me random hitchhiker guy, a voice came from the car, but do you by chance know how to get to

Dick University? Holy shit this was amazing! Just when it seemed like this story would continue endlessly forever, a possible conclusion emerged. Totally, Im actually trying to get there now if you could give me a lift. He had no idea how to get back to Dick, but he figured he could just bs directions until he found a road that looked familiar. He jumped into the strangers dark car. Awesome, which way do I go dude? the stranger asked. Okay you people have to stop calling me dude, please call me Comer. And you can call meLeonardo DiCaprio. Because thats who I am. Seriously, I am Leonardo DiCaprio. Comer was totally shocked. How the hell did he manage to run into Leonardo DiCaprio, who just happened to find him while searching for his college. Im pretty surprised too, how can I manage to afford to have both DiCaprio and Neil Patrick Harris show up in one chapter of this novel? Cool, Comer replied. He was trying to play it cool. Itd probably be a good idea to quote one of his lines from his movies, to show that he knows who he his yet he is managing to stay cool about it. Umyoure king of the worlddddddddddd? DiCaprio sighed. Geez, why does everyone always have to quote that one line when they see me? Ive been in like fifty other movies but whatever, just tell me how to get there. They drove in silence for most of the ride back. Comer tried to think of some way to talk to DiCaprio without sounding like a loser. Umso why are you going all the way to Dick? he asked. EhI gotta meet this guy named SupaSpike. Heard some pretty crazy things about him. Ohyeah I know SupaSpike. Cool kid. Yup, heard a lot of things about him. Yeah. Yeah. Arent conversations with people you dont know great? This awkwardness continued for the rest of the ride until they got back to Fuck. Thanks for the help getting here Comer, said DiCaprio once they parked. No problem man, said Comer, hit me up sometime and Ill go with you to some cool celebrity parties. Umyeah. With that definitive yes, they departed ways. As he headed up to his room, Comer though about the past few events and realized that the various adventures that SupaSpike makes him go on arent that bad. If he hadnt gone on those adventures today, then he wouldnt have had this crazy chain reaction of events that ended with him making a new lifelong friend in Leonardo DiCaprio. He got back to his dorm, noticing that his roommate was gone but occupying his room was something much bigger: A moral to the chapter. While it may seem like your friends arent always the best, you should stick with them, because they will eventually lead you to better friends. And thats a rule that we can all live by. Probably.

Chapter 13: This Is the Skin of a Killer

Shanelle awoke to a strange noise. Startled, she jumped out of her bed. Oh, this is the Shanelle thats not the one I just met by the way. The one that was here since the beginning of the book. The one who got stuck in a tortilla until recently. The one who is no longer stuck in a tortilla. The one that prides herself on being the lamest college student ever. The one who still holds some sort of secret that shes had since she got kidnapped, that she hasnt told anyone yet. Yeah I know her, why wassup? Startled, she jumped out of her bed. I know I said that already, but she was really fucking scared. Being raped was her biggest fear. Every time she leaves the safety of her dorm she fears for her life. She has to run to Dick Head Dining Hall so that all of the rapists chilling around Dick University wouldnt be able to catch her. Even though she is the slowest runner ever, so any rapist with one leg would be able to catch her if he really wanted to. But thats beside the point. The main point here is that Shanelle doesnt like being raped. She bitches to me about it constantly. She probably wishes she was still trapped inside that tortilla, theres no man on Earth who would want to rape a giant tortilla. A giant bird might though. Shanelle stared at the door. Even though she locked it shut the second she entered for the night, she knew that at any second any one of the many rapists lurking around Dick University could barge in and take her away forever. Yes, all rapists would be able to get past the unpassable steel door on floor two, go all the way up to the fifth floor of Fuck, find her suite, and then pick the lock to her door and take her away. Someone tries to do that every night. Then the door swung open. Shanelle screamed. The rapist trudged in, turned on the lights, and Whoa, whats wrong? asked Sabrina. Oh, it was only her. Oh, its only you, Shanelle said trying to act like shes not crazy. I thought you werea rapist. Umyeah, right. Well I had the most AMAZING night tonight, it all started when we were in this elevator. Kathy and I and everybody else, Im not going to bother mentioning them all because it would just waste words and I know SupaSpike def doesnt want me to be adding more unnecessary words to this story, but anyway, we walked in and there was this GIRL sleeping in there! So we were like hey why are you sleeping in the elevator and- Umyeah I have to pee now, Shanelle said. No, she wasnt really just trying to get away from what was bound to be a long and extremely loud description of Sabrinas night, because believe me I would definitely make you guys have to put up with the same story twice. Im over eight thousand words behind pace. But she really had to pee. When she got home, she was too afraid of being raped to risk going into the bathroom and having a rapist crawl through the unlocked fifth-story window. Before that she spent hours trapped inside of a tortilla. Before that she was in a public dining hall, and she wasnt going to use a public bathroom. AIDS probably live there. Before that she wasnt really any part of the story, so we have no idea how long it was since she last used the bathroom. Its like Schrodingers Cat, where she could be considered both peeing and not peeing at any point in time before she was placed into this novel. Yay for quantum physics! But anyway, she randomly decided that since Sabrina was home if she got raped while trying to pee she could scream or something and Sabrina would come and save her. So she sat on the toilet and peed. When she got up she flushed the toilet, pulled the curtain back,

and came face to face with a tall creepy-looking pale guy. Holy fuck a rapist! Shanelle screamed, but unfortunately Sabrina was too busy Skyping to hear her. Hearing no one coming to rescue her, Shanelle finally came to terms. So this is how it was going to end, raped in the shitty-ass Fuck bathroom. And then killed afterwards obviously. Then the creepy guy spoke, Shanelle shut the fuck up. Shanelle stopped screaming. How do you know my name? Ive been watching you ever since you came to this school. I want you badly, so I watch you from your window every night. Shanelle looked at him. That was very creepy indeed, but he did look kind of cute. Who are you? she asked. My name the mysterious stalked began, pausing for dramatic effect, is Edward. Every reader of this novel simultaneously groaned upon reading the last line. I dont blame you. Read it out though, Ill make it awesome. Wow, thats so hot, Shanelle said, completely forgetting that this guy told her that he had been watching her for weeks from her window. Wait a minute, why are you so pale? I think you know why Edward answered, I want you to say it. Shanelle stared into the distance. Vampire, she said rather undramatically. Yes, he said without any emotion, I am a vampire. Wow, thats so amazing, and it totally doesnt make this situation any creepier than it is already! she said. Why did you decide to come and show yourself to me tonight? Because the vampires are having a giant baseball tournament, he said excitedly, and we want you to throw the opening pitch! Thats kinda retarded, but sure Ill do it anyway. As long as I can have you say creepy things to me the whole night. Oh, definitely. Thats not even the best part, Im also going to abuse you and try to kill you multiple times! Awesome! So how are we getting there? Um, we have to walk, sorry. We vampires dont really have any cool superpowers or anything. Or maybe they do, I havent really read the books or watched more than thirty minutes of the movies. If it turns out they do, then I deeply apologize to any vampires reading this novel. So Edward and Shanelle left Fuck at like 4 in the morning and walked to Dick Fields, where all of the vampires were playing the drunk frat boys. It was sure to be an exciting match. But Im not gonna bother narrating it all, because that would be boring as fuck. Im just gonna say that the vampires were kicking ass because they werent drunk and they were fucking vampires so they had some sort of advantage. And whenever a frat boy argued about a call the vampires just bit him and turned him into a vampire. That might have been a little unfair, but it was drunk frat boys so nobody really gives a shit. The whole time Edward kept his promise to Shanelle by trying to drink her blood and kill her. But Shanelle fended him off byactually I have no idea how the fuck Shanelle would be able to fight off a hungry crazy stalker pale vampire. But she did somehow. Eventually it got to the bottom of the ninth inning. The frat boys were down three

runs, and there were only four of them remaining. Coincidentally, the first three managed to get on base, leaving it all up to the fourth and final runner to hit them all home. Edward was about to give the first pitch when suddenly their third baseman gave out a scream. Everyone looked over and saw that he was being torn open by two giant dogs. But they werent just any dogs, they werewell, you guys know what they were already. Holy fuck, werewolves! screamed Edward. What the hell guys, I thought we made a solid agreement that you guys wouldnt interrupt our baseball games, and in return we would stop singing Who Let The Dogs Out every time we saw you guys? Times have changed, said the head werewolf as he transformed back into a human. While he was doing so, the vampires saw their opportunity and bit the three frat boys left on base, ensuring that they wouldnt win the game. Shanelle looked at the head werewolf boy. He was very attractive, she thought to herself, much more so than that pale fuck Edward. She wondered what she would do if she was randomly forced to choose between the two right now. Suddenly the boy saw her. Shanelle? he said in astonishment, What the fuck are you doing here with Edward? What the fuck Jacob, how do you know Shanelle? Edward asked. Dude, Ive been fucking stalking her since she came here. Except I actually talked to her like once I think, I didnt just camp outside her window like a fucking pussy. Well of course you could talk to her, you dont fucking sparkle when you come out in the daylight. And since she never actually goes anywhere at night I cant really talk to her at all. Whenever she does come out she fucking runs everywhere, I cant catch that shit. Dammit why the fuck cant vampires turn into bats in this book, they could fucking everywhere else! Not my fault dude. Besides you got to her first, so you shouldnt be complaining. But Im gonna take her from your pansy-ass right now. Alright dude, bring it! We could take you pawed freaks anytime. Edward turned to face the other vampires. VAMPIRES! TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT THAT ALL OF OUR TROUBLES END! TONIGHT WE FIGHT FOR OUR DIGNITY! BY THE CRACK OF DAWN WE WILL NO LONGER BE SPARKLING IN FEAR, BUT WE WILL BE SPARKLING IN- BANG! Jacob shot Edward in the back of the head with his 9mm. Edward collapsed, finally dead for real. What the fuck dude, you fucking shot Edward? screamed the second- incommand vampire. You know were not allowed to use guns, our fight scenes have to be exciting! SupaSpike doesnt want to write a descriptive, thought and time consuming fight scene, said Jacob. Tonight we will duel like men! Alright then, its on! The second- in- command vampire pulled out his handgun. All of the other vampires pulled out guns as well. The werewolves pulled guns out of their asses and aimed. They all also simultaneously took their shirts off. Then second- in- command vampire shot Jacob in the face. The battle had begun. And five minutes later it had ended. Everybody had died, both vampires and werewolves. All that remained was Shanelle and the one drunk frat guy, who had passed out long ago and missed everything.

Shanelle looked around. Everyone was dead or passed out drunk. She was left all alone. In the middle of a desolated field. A good five-minute walk from Fuck. She was basically a sitting duck for rapists everywhere. She began to cry. Nobody in the entire world could possibly be in a worse situation than she was now. She cried for a good hour straight. Eventually though she realized that just sitting there would only draw the rapists closer. She had to make her move. Building up all of her courage, she took a deep breath and then sprinted back to her dorm. No scratch that, she sprinty sprinted, the fastest sprint anyone could ever sprint. Except it was Shanelle who was sprinty sprinting, so not really. But she eventually reached the dorm, bolted inside, penetrated the inpenetrable random ass second floor door, ran up the stairs to the fifth floor, jetted to her suite, dashed to her door, ran inside, and slammed it shut. The slam woke up Sabrina. What the fuck Shanelle, why did you wake me up? Dude I just had the most amazing night! You see I was taking a piss and- Please Shanelle, tell me when I wake up. Its 8 am, geez. She collapsed into her bed again. Shanelle looked outside. The sun was rising. Actually, it had risen half an hour ago, but she was too afraid to notice that it was pitch bright outside. Dizzy from all of the sprinty sprinting and bolting and penetrating and jetting and running and dashing she did, she collapsed onto the floor. She had totally forgotten that she left the suite door open and her room door unlocked. The Grim Creeper walked into the room, saw the helpless body on the floor, and grinned. Chapter 15: Dont Think About Elephants Jesse was sitting in his Chem class, listening to his professor talk about covalent bonds and the stuff like that. Or at least his ears were listening. His brain wasnt listening. Not because brains have ears, but because he wasnt paying attention. Wow that was extremely poetic, I really should start writing poetry, thats how good my shit is. But anyway, Jesse wasnt paying attention, he was just kind of looking around the class to see what was going on. He saw all of the other students, they werent really doing anything either. They were just looking around at other students. One of the other students eyes met his. Oh hey, its Chuck Norris. It made Jesse feel special, knowing that Chuck Norris was actually spending his valuable time watching him. He looked out the windows. It was raining hard. Not a good thing considering he doesnt have an umbrella. Its a miracle that he was able to arrive to class completely dry. Come to think of it, nobody in the entire class seemed to be wet. Jesse sighed. For once SupaSpike was nowhere to be seen in this novel and he was stuck in Chem class being boring and everything. He wanted an adventure of his own, but this damn narrator seems fixed on making him just a mindless silhouette in this novel. When will his chance come to be part of the action? When will he get to have meaningful conversations, have random girls come up and lay him, and not be stuck doing these standard typical novel back up character jobs? Excuse me, Jesse? came a voice from behind him. Jesse turned around. There was a guy in a suit standing behind him, interrupting the entire Chem class just to talk to him. He wondered why this was happening. Maybe Chuck

Norris wanted to challenge him to a fight or something. Whats up? he whispered. Would you mind talking to me for a second? The man sat down in the seat next to him. Weird, Jesse thought the class was completely full. My name is Mr. Charles, and Im the head of your security down here. What do you mean, down here? Jesse asked. Umtheres this whole soliloquy that Im supposed to go through, but basically youre dreaming and Im here to stop the people from infiltrating your mind. Whoa seriously, Im dreaming? This shit was too weird. So real him was asleep now, and the him that he was now doesnt really exist. He wondered if he learns that hes dreaming every night and just doesnt remember it. Actually, this does seem kind of odd. Out of all things he could dream up, why would he put himself inside of his totally normal Chem class? He thought he had seen this exact situation in a movie somewhere, maybe this Mr. Charles dude is just some guy trying to screw with him. Is this real or just some joke? Thats a very direct way to find out. Mr. Charles sighed. Fucking teenagers dont believe anything, he muttered. Okay, think about it this way. If youre in a dream you just kind of show up in the middle of the dream. So how did you get here? The same way I do every morning, you see I got out of bed and- he stopped. He totally didnt remember waking up this morning. Or walking over here and getting soaked in the rain. Which would explain why its raining and hes not wet. Wait a minute, this chemistry class is in the center of the building, there arent any windows. And when youre looking around at everyone because youre bored you never actually see them looking around, because that would just be weird. Oh yeah, and Chuck Norris is in his history class, not chemistry. OH MY FUCKING GOD IM DREAMING! Jesse screamed. Dude shut up! Mr. Charles whispered, The projections will realize that you know youre dreaming and stab you and shit. Jesse looked around. Everyone had now turned around and was glaring at him. The teacher had stopped talking. Actually, she hadnt been talking since the beginning of the dream but Jesse hadnt noticed. Just act normal, Mr. Charles ordered. Jesse did so. He opened up his laptop and started browsing Facebook. Finally, he was the main part of the action! This was his chance to actually do something in this novel; he just hoped that it wouldnt be some short one-chapter thing that ends in three pages and has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. But anyway, the others eventually realized that Jesse was a normal projection like the rest of them and the class continued. Good job, said Mr. Charles, now we have to get of here. Come on! Butwont that just make the projections suspicious again, me getting up and leaving in the middle of class? asked Jesse. Mr. Charles thought for a second. He looked at Jesses professor, who was busy explaining the difference between a covalent bond and an ionic bond. Yeahits worth the risk, as long as we get the fuck out of here. Aiight, said Jesse. The two of them silently got up and headed towards the exit. They managed to escape without getting mauled by all of the other students and Chuck Norris. So whats up? Jesse asked. Well, we got word that there are some terrorists trying to extract vital information

from your mind. Apparently you possess the knowledge to create a nuclear bomb out of pine straw. You keep the information locked up in a safe somewhere in your subconscious. The safe could be anything from a drawer to a magic box to an actual safe. And Im part of your subconscious security, I was sent to protect that safe and make sure that its not extracted. Gotcha, said Jesse. That made no fucking sense at all, but this is a dream so he guessed that dream him really could make a nuclear bomb and it was now up to him to save mankind. The real mankind, not the dream one, he thinks. Or maybe it is the dream one. Oh well, its a dream, hell just go with Mr. Charles and do whatever, its not like going with him will NOT save whatever he has to save. so what do we do now? he asked. Well, the best thing would be to find were your super secret subconscious box thing will be. Is there anywhere where you would keep something you treasured most? Umwell it would probably be somewhere in my dorm, because it wouldnt really make sense to put it anywhere else. Its like a fifteen minute walk though. Can I give my dream like a giant jet or something, or would that make the projections suspicious? Nah, a jet would cost too much dream money, Ill tell you what we could use though! Mr. Charles reached behind a bush and pulled out two giant ball things. We could run around in these giant plastic balls that those New Zealand people use, Ive always wanted to do that shi- Mr. Charles suddenly froze in his place. He was staring straight ahead at something. Jesse looked over. Right in the middle of campus there were two small kids with their backs turned to the two of them. They were playing in the grass. Those your kids or something? Jesse asked. Mr. Charles looked startled when Jesse spoke. Then he shook it off. No theyre not. Well I mean yeah they are but its kind of a long story and I dont wanna waste SupaSpikes precious words and youd probably be better off not knowing my entire story. Um sure, Jesse replied. He sighed; once again more of his plotline was taken up for SupaSpikes sake. I mean, its not like he didnt like SupaSpike or anything. Hes the most epic person in world history, of course he likes him. He just wanted to be more than just a drone in this story for once, and that meant he had to squeeze all he could out of this storyline. Come on dude, I only have like ten minutes left before I get taken out of your dream, said Mr. Charles. Jesse came out of his inner monologue and entered the giant bubble thing. Mr. Charles entered the other one and together the two of them began rolling down to Fuck. They passed all of the projection student people, and they paid no attention to the two men rolling through the college in giant balls. So anyway, the giant balls. They were fucking amazing to roll around in. Especially the part where you werent able to keep up with the ball rolling and you fell over and kept getting tossed around until you were bleeding so much that the entire ball thing was filled with blood. Which happened to Jesse about halfway through the trip. He had to hold his breath the entire way back, which wasnt really all that necessary considering this a fucking dream and all. But he survived and the ball magically rolled in the exact right direction so that it ended up right at the bottom of Fuck. Mr. Charles landed right beside him. The two of them ran up the stairs, they didnt even have to use their key to unlock the random ass second floor door because it was a dream so the door was magically unlocked. They burst into Jesses room and hoped that the terrorists hadnt gotten there before the two of them had. They unlocked the door (the dorm door had to be locked even in a dream because Jesse didnt want rapists to come into the room) and standing in the center of the room was-

Mol what the fuck are you doing here? asked Mr. Charles. You know her? asked Jesse. Yesshes my wife! HOLY SHIT A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST! Jesse couldnt believe how good the story was getting. Take that SupaSpike and his ten chapters of just walking around a dining hall and talking to some bitch. WHAT are you doing with HIM? screamed Mol. Mol get out of here! Mr. Charles screamed back. Youve already ruined enough of my dreams, dont fuck up my plans this time! Oh, you like plans do you? Well I have a plan for you: You are waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away- DAMMIT MOL STOP SAYING THAT DAMN RHYME I TOLD IT TO YOU ONCE AND NOW YOU WONT SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT! AND THAT RHYME ISNT EVEN A PLAN, ITS LIKE A POEM OR A SONG OR SOMETHING IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FAMOUS BEFORE I SAID IT I DONT KNOW. IT SURE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN LIKE THE 1700S OR SOMETHING, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT TRAINS DIDNT EXIST BACK THEN SO THAT DOESNT REALLY MAKE ALL THAT MUCH SENSE! said Mr. Charles calmly. YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED! screamed Mol. YOU SAID WE WOULD BE TOGETHER! YOU SAID WE WOULD GROW OLD TOGETHER! Bitch I told you already, we did grow old together, you just dont remember it because it was a dream when we did it and youre a dream now so you cant remember it for some reason because of that but I can I dont know its fucking confusing! Oh, Ive got something youll remember. You are waiting for a train- What the fuck Mol you said that already! screamed Mr. Charles. Jesse sighed, this was growing kind of old. YOU SAID WE WOULD BE TOGETHER! YOU SAID WE WOULD GROW OLD TOGETHER! Is this all that this bitch ever says? asked Jesse. Can I just like dream her away or something? No, thatd be too easy. I have to let goOF MY GUILT! said Mr. Charles. Oh hey another plot twist. Jesse really didnt care anymore though, this whole thing was getting very repetitive. You are waiting for a train, at train that will take you far away. You dont know where the train will take you but- Alright, Ill take care of this, Jesse interrupted. He walked up to Mol and pimp slapped day hoe so hard she fell to the floor, knocked out. Thanks man, that bitch gets crazy sometimes, said Mr. Charles. Now where would that safe thing be? Um right in the middle of the room was a giant ten foot safe. Ah, alright, said Mr. Charles. Lets pry this bitch open then. Wait, why would you want to open it? Wont that just make it easier for the terrorists to get my bomb-making skills or whatever it is they want? Umwell we cant know if they stole it already if we dont look inside. Jesse

thought about it. It made sense kind of. Not really, but it is a dream after all, so maybe not making sense would mean it actually makes sense. He dont know, anything to move the story along. He was finally starting to understand why SupaSpike does all of this ridiculous stuff just for plot advancement. Jesse turned the notchy number thingy on the safe, because giant ten foot safes totally have those things. It opened with a click, and the giant safe sprung open. They both looked into the safe. It was completely empty. Damn terrorists! shouted Mr. Charles semi-enthusiastically. He threw his hat to the floor. He totally wasnt wearing a hat at any point before this, but now he was because he wanted to throw it to the floor. Looks like well have to go after them Jesse. I think I might have heard them running down the stairs, you run and catch them and Ill catch up! No thank you Mr. Charles, Jesse replied. Ive got something even more important to do: Give my soliloquy about what Ive learned! He took a deep breath. I came into this dream wishing that, just once, I could have my own crazy adventures written about me in a novel! I always thought, why must it always be SupaSpike who is so amazing? Why cant I go around having crazy adventures and narrating them myself? Well tonight I learned that being the main character is not that easy of a task. SupaSpike puts a lot of hard work into being so amazingly fucking amazing. Not everyone can stand putting up with repetitive dialogue, having to make up random ass plot twists, plot holes, and the like. I tried to do it for just one chapter and, as you could tell from this statement, I got tired of it real fast. So for the rest of the novel I will accept my role as the boring sideline character. I will no longer wish that I was the one in the spotlight. And I will do whatever it takes to help SupaSpike on his adventures that still have yet to be determined even though were like halfway through this novel and-WHAT THE FUCK MR. CHARLES YOURE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT STOVE? Throughout the entire monologue, Mr. Charles had been messing around in the room, and he appeared to be cooking something on the random ass stove that suddenly appeared in the room. Um I was making alfredo, he said. why? He thought for a second, and then all of the pieces came together. Youre the terrorist! he exclaimed. Before we got in the ball you said you only had like ten more minutes before you left my dream. You wouldnt leave it if you were just a part of my subconscious. You didnt hear any terrorists running down the stairs because it was impossible to hear anything over that bitchs ranting! You told me to catch them because you didnt want me in the room while you were sitting here making alfredo! You led me here so that you could incept my mind! No shit Sherlock, said Mr. Charles, all of the readers probably figured that shit out like three pages ago. But youre such a fail of a main character that you couldnt even see through my disguise. And my name isnt Mr. Charles, its actuallyLeonardo DiCaprio! Fuck! Well what are you gonna do with that alfredo then? Oh youll see, he said. He dumped the alfredo in a TupperWare box and tossed it into the safe. He slammed the safe door shut. Suddenly, music began to play throughout the entire dorm. Just in time too, said DiCaprio. The Captain will be very pleased. SupaSpike, you are about to beDiCapitated! Wow, did I really just write that? Jesse knew he had to do something, but he couldnt move. He was beginning to

wake up from the dream. He felt himself getting tired, because he figured thats what happened to you when you wake up from a dream youre in. Youll never get away with thiswhatever youre doing! Oh, youre too late, DiCaprio said with an evilish laugh. And one more thing, he said, right before Jesse blacked out, YOU JUST LOST THE GAME! Epilogue ...and thats it, Im pretty much officially done with this attempted novel. Sorry guys, but I realized there were some pretty big mistakes made in the making of the novel, and it just wasnt fun to write anymore. Im having much more fun focusing my attention on SupaSpike Rants. When November comes around this year I might attempt another one, except make it more about my thoughts and not so much pointless dialogue between me and others. If you couldnt tell, Chapters 12 and 14 (not written) were supposed to be additional stories about Jacob and the other Shanelle that parodied random movies. But yeahthe whole I got bored of this whole novel thing just kind ofmade me not write them. It sucks that it ended here toowe had such a good cliffhanger too! Maybe one day Ill rant about what I planned on doing with the rest of the story and these random mysteries and everythingbecause I did have a plan with this I swear! SoI guess this is it. Hope you guys enjoyed it, make sure you read your daily dose of SupaSpike Rants, and I will see you allnext November? O.O