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APRIL 13, 2012

Dr. Puert Speaks Out On (Not) Leaving Kings

Weeks having passed since the awkward to-do concerning the non-renewal of his contract, this week Dr. Douglas Puert nally agreed to sit down and do a tell-all with The Empire State Review. Well, rst o, let me just say how honored I am that the student body chose to stick up for me a%er Id all ready left the college, despite having lambasted me in student evaluations while I was still here. Its comforting to know that students will set aside their distaste for me to engage in their truly favorite activity: criticizing the administration of their university. Ahhh... college, he added, in a tone that was equal parts whimsical and judgmental. But this whole thing has been one large convoluted misunderstanding, said the doctor of economics, running his hand through his hair. What really happened was... well, theres no gentle way to say this. I quit. I mean, have you guys even looked at your college? he added incredulously, leaning back in his chair. Most of you guys havent even passed basic fifth-grade math. And then on top of that, most of the students I teach end up saying screw this and transferring to some other more real school, so what ha ve I accomplished? Like, really, he added. If I were to look back on my time here, have the majority of the students I taught actually learned something? Most of them just resent me because they expected to come here and learn about Plato and maybe how voting for Obama can be empirically proved to be sinful. And lets not even discuss MCA students. Dear Lord. And thats not considering in the fact that when students hear me discuss the overwhelming merits of the Keynesian system, they react like when Dr. Johnson tells students theyre too condent in their view of heaven, but so much worse. Question their beliefs in the afterlife and youre a rebel question Hayek and youre a socialist. I just... I dont understand how you guys dont see what I see in you. And dont take that as a compliment, he added. Rumors ha ve circulated that Puffert was re-hired following intense salary negotiations that have nearly tripled his yearly takeh o m e . In r e s p o n s e to t h e s e rumors, Puert has allegedly said Wrap your mouth around that free market, while polishing his new watch.

Hey Kings. Its Been a While.

Im glad to see youre looking good. Last time we talked you guys were pretty unsure about your future housing arrangement, Im glad to see that got worked out. Listen, theres a reason I want you to read this... I miss you. I miss us. Our time apart has been gnawing at me like my feelings are an angry bulldog and Ive got bacon strapped to my legs. A whole lot of gnawing, is what Im trying to say. Look, Ill admit, neither of us are perfect. After we parted ways I wrote for ESPN, but I quit yesterday. I woke up and said to myself, If Ive gotta make one more Jeremy Lin joke Im going to kill myself. And I want us to be how we were - in a weirdly co-dependent spiral of mutual mockery and resentment. Why is it so hard to nd that with anyone else? But youre not blameless either - have you seen all the memes you guys have started to make? How many horrible, horrible memes? There are some truly awful memes. Like, seriously, the Kings College Facebook page is like a war crime against humor. Im sorry baby. Its just, I miss us being funny together. And memes are 100% not the way to go about that. I miss your (student) body. I miss your scent. I think once this whole thing blows over, we should get an apartment together. I saw you hanging out with the Lewis Review the other day. And its really none of my business - I left you, you deserve someone who can make you happy, and Ive really reconciled that with myself. But couldnt you have picked a paper that didnt look like it was made in twenty minutes in Word 2007? But theyre great underneath, and I hope they can make you happy. But Im back, baby. Im back, and Im going to win you back - one paper at a time.

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applause. He was raised in Hawaii. Now I dont know how many of you have been to Hawaii, but its barely America. Im pretty sure its still governed with a tribal system. And Obama wants to impose this tribal system of tyranny in Washington! And have you guys even considered the fact that Obama is an urban male? she asked, mouthing the word negro afterwards. How ha snt that been brought up? Doesnt that scare you guys, just a little bit? I know that if Obama was walking behind me late at night, Id hold my pepper-spray tighter. Ive actually maced my television ve times since 2008. The crowds response to this was somewhat more chilled, but one socially inept student was caught clapping. And moreover, can that kind of man be trusted to stay with his family? Or, for that matter, his country? After the third Mrs. Gingrich posited this, one student raised her hand and asked about how she could justify defending family values, considering her husbands sordid past. Clearly prepared for this inevitable question, Callista shifted

APRIL 13, 2012

uncomfortably on stage before moving on to the next question. Not everyone in the crowd reacted enthusiastically to Callista, though, as a group of protestors arrived halfway through. One student allegedly broke his hand when he tried to punch Callistas hair during her meet-and-greet after wards, before being hauled o by PMC Blackwater troops Newt hired as security. After her speech was finished, Callista stuck around to take photos with her adoring fans, though rumors persist that she departed early and left a mannequin of herself for pictures that featured a slightly less o-putting face. After the speech, students were visibly excited for future visitors to come the school. Wow, if they can get Newt Gingrichs third wife to visit, who knows who theyll bring in next? remarked one student, when asked about how he felt about the visit. Im personally hoping for Ann Coulter. I hear President DSouza has a good relationship with her.

Newt Gingrichs Ridiculous Third Wife Visits Kings

In an exciting high profile visit, Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrichs most recent concubine, Castilla Bisek, visited Kings on Monday for a short meet-and-greet. Students were buzzing with excitement for Castilla. Oh man, that pizza was great, remarked Kyle Johnston. Callista gave a rousing speech on the topic of American Exceptionalism, or in colloquial terms, Why we are Gods gift to the world. In summation, her speech explained not only why we are great, because of what we do, but also why everything we do is great, because of who we are. Pulling an example from her childrens book, Sweet Land of Liberty, Callista explained, Now, because all of the spin of the lamestream media, you guys probably believe that what happened at Abu Ghraib was a terrible thing. But what you dont see is the beauty in what we did. By attaching car batteries to the scrotums of men we thought might possibly have a chance of being a terrorist some day, we were attaching a car battery to the scrotum of evil. We were freeing the shit out of the Iraqi people with what we did at Abu Ghraib. Seeing the appalled looks on her audiences faces, Callista quickly changed topics and closed her speech by saying that the big gest threat to American Exceptionalism was President Barack Obama, which was met with

THIS WEEK, AT KINGS

- Student services oers postinterregnum depression counseling - Teacher realizes he uses the word penetrate too much - Student realizes that theres only 4 weeks left of school, mind is blown - The last house positions elected, people can now get back to whats truly important harmful rivalries. - Ludlow student remembers he forgot to buy groceries, aw man - Students search for ways to wrap up year in neat little moral lesson as How To Save a Life plays in the background - A look into Prof. Brenbergs yearbook reveals he was once a mere mortal like us - Student thrilled to be in rst love triangle - Students ee o-campus like rats before a hurricane

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