DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIESWHAT TORAH TEACHES US By Dick Harte

The dysfunctional family was created very early in the existence of the world, on the very sixth day of Gods creation. In fact it happened the first day of human life in the Garden, the so called Apple Affair. Man blames woman and she, in turn blames the seducer. And God punishes all three. Can you imagine what went on that evening as Adam berates his wife. To pun, one might say that he is so angry that he raises Caine. He grumbles I was looking to stay in the Garden and have the good life. Now I have to till the soil and work. What about me? she says. I have to bear children in pain. Its not my fault. Speaking of Caine, he and his brother Abel provide us with the first example of sibling rivalry in the extreme, leading to fratricide. Jealousy and anger are with us today in many families and so the very first family of the Bible and History are already dysfunctional. Caines response to God, Am I my brothers keeper? is a statement that echoes through the ages as a lesson concerning Jewish behavior. Then there is the example of Noah, that good man in his generation. He does what he has been told to do, and he saves mankind and animal life but the first thing he does when the task is complete is to pass out dead drunk. Tell me what kind of an example is this for your three sons Mr. Noah. Dont you know that alcoholism is often produced in the children of alcoholics? And what about our beloved Patriarchs.? They present us with example after example of actions that can only mess up relationships. Our father Abram begins his career, so the Midrash tells us, by destroying the idols his father sells. While it is an act that is favorable to the one God, it certainly does nothing to bring the family together.

Later on, in order to save his life in Egypt, Abraham is willing to turn over to Pharaoh his wife. We never do discuss what Sarah thought about this. And then there is his relationship with his two sons. He is prepared to sacrifice his beloved son Isaac. The act called the Akadah, the near sacrifice of Isaac had probably unhinged Isaac for life. We know he never wanders the land like his father Abraham and his son Jacob. It is as if he is too timid to leave familiar places. And the event may have also caused the death of his mother Sarah . This was an act that again satisfied God but ruined the bonds in a family. Then there is the story of the other son of Abraham. Sarah in her barren state and sorry for the frustration of her husband asks him to co-habit with her maid Hagar. But when Hagar conceives a son, Ishmael, Sarah apparently regrets her generosity. When the boys are young she asks Abraham to send Hagar and her son Ishmael away and Abraham, who is somewhat of a wuss, reluctantly obeys his wife and sends them into the desert which would mean almost certain death. We never learn the psychological effects of the sojourn in the desert on Hagar and her son but one could imagine it had a strong effect on them later in life. Then we have the stories of the two sons of Isaac, the twins Jacob and Esau. Isaac is presented as favoring Esau his hunter son. But his wife Rebecca so strongly favors the other one, Jacob the Mammas boy that she is willing to do the unethical things to see that Jacob gets the birthright of the family. We know that Isaac is the only character in the Hebrew Bible to say that he loves his new wife Rebecca and now, in their elderly life, she deceives him for her Jacob. You do not have to be an adulterer to be unfaithful to your spouse. Then we have the relationship of Israel, born Jacob, with his twelve sons. He so favors Joseph that the other brothers are bitterly jealous. And Joseph flaunts it. He tells them of his dreams which put them down and he wears that expensive coat of many colors that Jacob has given him. Can you imagine brothers so angry that they would think am I my brothers keeper? when Joseph joins them in the field and they throw him down a well. But at least they are reluctant to kill him and so they sell him to passing Bedouins. Then they bloody Josephs cloak and deceive their father.

We learn what Jacob really thinks of his children when on his deathbed he gives his final blessing to them. Most of them cannot be very proud of the words he speaks over them. These are just some of the major family breakdowns. There are others. Lots daughters who were offered up to the idolaters of Sodom later get there father drunk and commit incest. Leban tricks his son-in -law Jacob into an additional seven years of servitude to gain the hand of Rachel. Rachel steals her fathers house idols and lies to him. Many years later, after the exodus, Moses marries a Cushite woman and his brother Aaron and his sister Miriam turn on him. Sibling rivalry once again? But God has to punish them for this infraction. Where is Shalom Beit.? So we see that dysfunction in families begins at the very beginning of families. And how long does it last? To this very minute in time. Look around us today. Divorce rates today are at 50% of marriages. Many children see one of their parents only every other weekend. Some parents drive their kids crazy as they push their kids to perform scholastically or athletically beyond their capacities. Other parents are at the other extreme and practically ignore their children and their needs. Suicide in young people is rising. Children sex-text others and distribute to the world on the web, pictures of themselves in the nude or in compromising behavior, without any knowledge of this by their parents. Young girls do not complete their needed educations because they have accidental pregnancies. Sometimes abortions are performed without the knowledge of parents. Some parents physically or sexually or psychologically abuse their spouses or their children or their elderly parents. Alcohol and drugs are part of the lives of over twenty million Americans.

We seem to be living in sick times and television provides horror stories every evening. Sandi and I have sometimes discussed the fact that communities and even nations build their societies based on family values. If there is a breakdown in families this will eventually be reflected in society at large. Thus we see this gradual demise of family structure as just described, projected into the larger community. The recent revelations of greed and deceit in our governments, in our trusted banks and in our industries are mirrored in those family disintegrations which have been developing for the past forty years. And the solutions to these problems must start from the bottom up as our politicians like to say. Families must heal themselves first. Fortunately we have the guide. It is called the Commandments, Mitzvot. Honor Your Father and Mother This is the 5th of the Ten Commandments, right at the center of the Decalogue. It is an interesting fact that Torah says Love your God(deut,:6:5) Love your Neighbor(Lev.19:18) Love the Stranger.(19:34) but never says Love your Parents. But it does say Honor Them, a standard of respect beyond the volatility of love. Talmud says (in Sotah 49a) The love of parents goes to their children but the love of these children goes to their children. This is to say, a parents love isnt to be paid back it can only be passed on. It is best summed up in an old Yiddish proverb: When a father gives to his son, both laugh. When a son gives to his father, both cry. A man once came to Rabbi Hayyim of Brisk with the following question: He had heard that his father was ill and felt obliged to visit him. But since Jewish law ruled that a child need not spend money honoring parents, perhaps he was not obliged to make the journey since he would be forced to purchase a train ticket. Rabbi Hayyim answered tersely, Correct. You are not obliged to spend the money. Walk!! What are the obligations of a parent to a child?

According to Talmud (Kiddushim 29a) A father is obliged to circumcise his son, to redeem him, to teach him Torah, to find him a wife and to teach him a trade or profession. Rabbi Judah says: whoever does not teach his son a trade or profession teaches him to be a thief. And one sage said, Your son is at five your master, at ten your servant, at fifteen your double, after that, your friend or foe, depending on his upbringing. A modern sage, writer Philip Roth says in Portnoys Complaint, A Jewish man with parents alive, is a fifteen year old boy and will remain a fifteen year old boy until they die. So we conclude that one of the foundations of a just society is the application of the mitzvot and one of the foundations of mitzvot is the obligation, as one of our prophets declared to turn the hearts of out sons to their fathers and to turn the hearts of the fathers to their sons.