Nikita Desai July 8, 2011 Ms.

Alexandria Lockett The Internet Alien

The alarm rang for the third time as I clumsily smacked the snooze button with my hand. Looking at the clock with blurred eyesight, I suddenly sprung out of bed as if the key in my back had finally unwound.7:30 alreadyfuck. Rummaging through my overburdened laundry basket, crinkled clothes flew in all directions of the already messy square room. Fuck..fuckfuck. My math books were still sprawled over my bed from last night. They lay there untouched. I was planning on studying last night, but once again he had won. I couldnt seem to remember a time he had ever lost. Those days seemed so far in the past now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chat log # 29 Youre beautiful, Jack. I couldnt help but sheepishly admire my boyfriends skinny yet somehow masculine, European figure when he had no shirt on. Every limb and muscle could be seen so easily. My fingertips lightly traced the outlines of his paper-white, defined abs on my computer. Its as if youve never seen a guy naked before Jack typed back, failing miserably at masking his expanding ego. I laughed it off, not wanting to embarrass myself any further. This was the first time I was experiencing this, and it felt so good. The blood rushed around my head and filled my body in areas that created new tingling sensations. Great, I thought, the first time a guy is actually interested in me and

its not even in real life. I had only met him a month ago on an online chat room. My parents would gladly enter their graves insisting that they never had a daughter if they knew that their perfect, studious teenage child was in a relationship with a twenty-three year old Dutch man. Ew, that thought even creeped me out a bit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I cant be late to my own graduation! I mumbled as my hand blindly sought for my car keys in the junk drawer to my left. But that sinking feeling was returning to my stomach. Breathe Nikitaget a hold of yourself, I reassured myself. I decided to take a short break, and slowly looked up to face the dusty mirror I had abandoned months before. My eyes widened, distorting my face, Eww, this is what I look like? I quickly tucked a stray, dry hair behind my right ear. It had been annoying me all morning. The minor adjustment, however, did nothing to improve my look. Dry skin, zits, baggy clothes, and undone hairevery girls dream right? It wasnt always like this, you know. I was going places. Finally feeling its cold, metallic shape, I grabbed the key a bit too tightly as I began sprinting to my old, beat up grey KIA parked cozily in my garage. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chat log # 57 Baby, you look great. My face turned an unusual state of crimson as I quickly turned the webcam away from me. Shut up, JackIts not for you! I lied. He would deny it all he wanted, but we both knew that looks were important to him. I chuckled at the thought of my best friend Mandys reaction if she saw me right now. Words like painted clown, and slutty came to mind. I had turned into the girls we enviously poked fun of in

high school. But what struck me the most was that for the first time, I didnt care what others thought of me. He thought I was beautiful. My thick, newly plumped lips began to curve at the edges. I was satisfied. It was a funny thought though, I looked better online then I did in the outside world. No one noticed me out there, so I stopped caring too.

The blistering heat was not letting up as I sat alone, sweating profusely in my black graduation attire. No one had offered to help me pin my cap to my head and the golden tassels lop-sided orientation was physically painful. I like to believe I have mild OCD. My eyes squinted to see our ex-marine now turned principal at the podium, continuing his already rambling speech. Pangs of jealousy and disappointment hit my gut. I wouldnt have to be squinting right now if I hadnt of failed calculus this year. I had been in the running for valedictorian at the end of junior year. Now, Ms. Im perfect at everything Lizzy Britton was sitting, quite oafishly, in my front row seat, while I was in the back with everyone else. All my hard work had gone to waste. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chat log # 109 Waitso the cosine of negative one is zero right? I asked anxiously trying to mask the desperation of my situation. I dont know, who cares, can you stop already? he replied coolly, as he ran his skeleton fingers through his honey brown, messy hair. Urgh, you never fucking care, Im going to fail math! My brows furrowed as the deep-set lines upon my forehead emerged again. Hey, what have I told you, school isnt important baby. His soothing voice had managed to seep through my laptop speakers and surround me. Casually glancing over to my desk, the

time managed to snap me out of my trance. 2:43 A.M, what the hell, I cursed under my breath as I suddenly fell back onto my pillow. Jack, weve been talking for eight hours now He slowly looked up from his computer screen; his demeanor was unchanged. I know eh, youre obsessed with me or something, was his reply. We laughed a lot that night. But it was a hollow, forced laugh on my part. I couldnt stop myself from wondering, Was I really obsessed? -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chat log # 130 Sheshe didnt even invite mme to the mall I barely made out as the hot tears were beginning to cumulate around the corners of my mouth. Haha, thats all? he laughed in his usual so what manner. I didnt even answer. I could feel another surge of emotion about to erupt inside me and I quickly hid my wet, sticky face in the warmth of my Sonic the Hedgehog blanket. Niknak, stop being stupid, Jack said, half out of annoyance and half out of habit. I already told you to fuck them all. You dont need them. Friends will never be there for you. But the words soon became white noise to me. I couldnt believe Mandy didnt invite me. We were supposed to be friends. Who the hell was Sarah anyways? Her new best friend? Well she can keep Sarah and her crooked nose, and annoyingly pink wardrobe too. A fear, however, had wormed its way into my brain. I didnt really have any friends besides Jack. I was becoming a loner like him. Looking back up at his expressionless face, I felt a trickle of resentment towards him.

Finally! I thought as our sweaty-faced, intimidating dean, Mr. Ware, started

calling the Ds to the podium. Four years of torture and its all melted down to this one piece of paper. Being self-aware of the many Facebook photos I could potentially slaughter, I plastered an extremely fake smile on my face as I began my march to the podium. Heather Denison, Mr. Wares voice booming voice seemed to rise above the applause and cheers of the crowd as if it had originated from the heavens above. My hands became slightly sweaty as I desperately tried to remember the directions given to me, Shake and TakeShake leftTake right or was it Take left Heathers cheers were beginning to dwindle now except for a few leftover Whooos! I was up next. Nikita Guatam Desai. I, however, had no time to snicker at Mr. Wares gruesome murder of my middle name because something strange happened. .. Chat log # 240 We do the same thing everyday, god were like an old married couple. I angrily blurted out as I found myself hardly shifted from the location I had been sitting in for five days now. My neck had been feeling extremely tense from my awkward, semi-reclined posture I had been assuming on my bed as of lately. Come on, Niknak, weve only talked for three hours, thats nothing, he pleaded using his anime sized, green eyes to his advantage. Just because you have nothing to do with your sad, pathetic life doesnt mean you have to drag me down too, I shouted, louder than expected. I had become angry lately. The last conversation with my mother still lingered in my mind Niku, take a break beta (child), lets shop, my mother suggested yesterday in her cute, broken English. Her face had seemed so full of excitement and affection. Mom, get out of my room, Im working god, was my answer. I lied again. I wasnt working; I was

skyping him. I cant even tell you why I lied because I have no answer. Her face changed expressions four times from disappointment to anger to betrayal and finally hopelessness all in a span of three short seconds. Nevermind, was her one worded reply. I barely made my Penn State deadline by submitting my essay with seven typos that night.

I felt as though all eyes were on mestaring, judging, uninterested in the pain I was feeling at that moment. Mr. Ware had just called my name to accept my diploma, and then there was silence. Silence is so loud. My heart began beating, truly beating for the first time. My eyes shifted desperately, surveying the crowd, begging anyone to make some noise. Brett was texting on his phone. Jackie was snickering about some dumb inside joke. Mandy shot me a pitying look as her eyes met mine for a mere second. Everything felt as though I was in slow motion. All these thoughts were jumbled in my mind. Why dont I have any friends? What are my parents going to think? I hate this life. And there I was, smiling like a complete idiot, standing in front of a crowd where I didnt belong. I snatched my stupid, meaningless diploma, as I quickly ran to my seat. The volume, as if it had been muted, came back with a vengeance when he announced Allysa Deren. My parents never brought it up again. Thank God. But, that embarrassing moment became permanently etched in my mind. I had really lost touch. My fairytale moment I had been dreaming about for twelve years was traded away. I had traded my life for lust, affection, and self-esteem. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chat log # 309 Jack I cant do this anymore I said so quietly that I hoped he didnt actually hear

it. Do what, exactly? he said, in a softer yet more succinct tone than usual. His usually calm, and uninterested self had awakened to a sense of urgency. Thisusthis type of relationship. I was expecting a stream of beautiful, poetic words but instead he just let out a sharp, cruel laugh. You couldnt last one day without talking to me, youre crazy he said, shaking his head and going back to his programming. It was the only thing he ever did besides talk to me. The rage was building up inside me. Enough, jesus christ, Im only 17 years old Jack. I want to have friends, be with family, and do normal things. I cant be on my computer every fucking day talking to you. He however, with his clueless, cocky smile, was still amused by my comments. With warm tears streaming down my face, I wasnt letting up so easily. I was not going to live my life being the unknown girl. I need some time alone, Jack. I didnt wait for an answer. Nikita1500 has signed off. Quickly cleaning my face, I walked down my narrow corridor to meet my family in the living room. They were all there. My mom was cozily nestled in her far right-hand corner of the room watching an Indian soap on the computer, my brother was religiously playing Doodle Jump on his new iPhone 4, and my father was sitting at the edge of our brown, tattered leather sofa, watching the Federer-Nadal tennis championship match intently. Why would you challenge that, stupid!! he shouted in his infamous mix of Hindi and English. I missed them. I missed them so bad. I was without him for the first time in an entire year. I had no alternative reality to run to. Slowly, tiptoeing, as if I was some criminal in my own house, I descended my maple-stained, wooden staircase. Although a bit awkward, things felt right there. I was surrounded with people who would love me unconditionally, the people who would want me to grow, succeed, and

achieve. I honestly didnt have any idea how long our break would last, but like Joseph Heller once said, The only freedom we really have, is the freedom to say no. I had said no that day.