SCRUBS MY FREQUENT FLYER FAMILY by Qelsi Qualls

qqualls@gmail.com WGA registration #1140117

ACT ONE Scene A COLD OPEN FADE IN: EXT: DREAM SEQUENCE - FAIR NIGHT JD, ELLIOT AND TURK ARE ON THE TEACUP RIDE AT THE FAIR. THEY ARE SPINNING AROUND. JD OH GOD!!! Now, I know why I hate tea! TURK No you dont. We both love tea. Lipton. ELLIOT It is so exciting going round and round in circles. Just when I get that queasy feeling and wish it would stop. I think about my JD (BREAKS IN) Could you both just be quiet! TURK Yea Elliot! Hes gonna throw up. We must give it our undivided attention JD Yea. Give me attention. TURK Wait a minute. Am I in the upwind? MMMM

JD No my sweet, I made sure talkie-talk-alot was seated in the target section. ELLIOT (HAS BIG X ON HER HEAD) HEY CARLA! CAN YOU SEE US?! JD THROWS UP IN THE BACKGROUND. CARLA (NOT ON THE RIDE) OF COURSEyou lookgreat. CUT TO: INT: REALITY- JDS BEDROOM DAY JD WAKES UP SWEATING. JD Thats newI dont usually throw up. THE ALARM CLOCK READS 8:00PM. JD Its 8PM. JD GETS OUT OF BED. DISSOLVE TO: INT: ENTRANCE OF SECRET HEART DAY JD WALKS THROUGH THE ENTRYWAY. JDS NARRATION Even though I was running late, once I was able to shake myself from the fact that it wasnt 8PM, I was able to cut some corners like not brushing my teeth and I always sleep in my scrub bottoms so, I got to work with a minute to spare. Im late.

DR. COX (CONFRONTS JD AS SOON AS HE WALKS IN) You know Sheila if you keep coming to work without tending to personal hygiene the boys are going to think you are a whore. JD Im on time. DR. COX Yea, but the smell. Oh God the smell! Nancy, dont let everyone know you are not a virgin anymore. JD TURNS AROUND TO CONTINUE, IGNORING DR. COX. DR. COX Oh and by the way Melinda, stay on your toes weve got a frequent flyer in the building. JD Where are they? DR.COX Huh, what is that? Is that the not so fresh feeling I hear calling, yelling, screaming for you to pay it a little attention? Oh God just move Christina. Move! DR. COX WALKS AWAY IN DISGUST. JANITOR Whats that smell? PULLS A BOTTLE FROM HIS WASTE AND SPRAYS JD.

JANITOR CONT. Maybe that will help. DISSOLVE TO: INT: SACRED HEART I.C.U. DAY JD IS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY. DOCTORS ARE WALKING AROUND DECKED IN TRENCH COATS, WIGS, HATS AND SUNGLASSES. NO ONE WANTS TO BE NOTICED. PINK PANTHER THEME IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. JDS NARRATION No one wants to be out of control. When you are a doctor, it is even more important that you, at least, feel in control, even if you are not. As I walked down the hall taking in my not so fresh lemony scent, I realized the extent to which doctors fight for our day to be predictable. Presently, every doctor at Sacred Heart was concentrating all their efforts into avoiding one thing and that was being assigned to the frequent flyer. A frequent flyer is a fond nickname doctors use for a patient who is always in the hospital for small concerns or concerns that have already been diagnosed and treated. It can be anything that can bring a frequent flyer into the hospital, coughing one more time then usual, heat rash or tingling in their leg if they sat on it too much. The key about a frequent flyer is that he or she has been to the hospital over and over and their symptoms have never led to anything conclusive. When a frequent flyer is present, the word spreads like a virus first. THE DOCTORS CHANT FREQUENT FLYER IS HERE TO EACH OTHER. THE NEXT DOCTOR PASSES IT ON AS IN SWEET CHARITY BEFORE THE ALOOF DANCE.

JD CONT. Then doctors tap into their special invisibility powers and began the game dont choose me. Doctors will hide in janitors closets and use the restroom an extra long time to be counted out of the death pile the frequent flyer leaves in its wake. Currently, every doctor was hiding in some way or another, in an effort to control their destiny. TURK JOINS JD HE HAS ON HIS TRENCH COAT BUT HIS WIG AND SUNGLASSES ARE IN HIS HAND. TURK Whats that smell? JD I dont know what you are talking about. TURK PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF COLOGNE AND SPRAYS IT ON JD JD Hey Stop! The janitor just sprayed me with some sort of chemical, lemony stuff. TURK Anything will help. JD Yea, Yea, You know, Im having that dream where Im out of control, spinning on that beautifully made but very fast teacup and last night the dream changed. I ended up throwing up. Hey what is that delicious smell and

why are you holding that wig and sunglasses? TURK 1)Im hiding just in case the frequent flyer needs a surgical consult. 2)The smell is coming from you. Ill explain later. You know, I get your problem. JD Do you Turk? JDS THOUGHTS I knew he would be the only one that got me. Hes like my very own shrink INT: FANTASY- BASEMENT ROOM DAY TURK IS WRAPPED IN SHRINK WRAP BEGGING TO GET OUT. HE IS IN A ROOM SURROUNDED BY BOXES WITH DIFFERENT LABELS LIKE CATHY, SUSAN AND LAQUISHA. TURK Tell Laquisha to let me out. JDS HEAD POPS OUT OF THE BOX JD No, cant do that(rolling his head) DISSOLVE TO: BACK TO REALITY TURK Stop shrink-wrapping me. JDS THOUGHTS How does he always know I do that?

JD You know me so well TURK I know. First question, did you throw up on me in your dream? JD No, I would never do that. in my dreams. TURK (SMILING) Good answer. Dude, the thing ismaybe you feel out of control. JD Well DUH Turk!! Yea, I am definitely out of control in those dreams. But why? TURK Uh oh. (ABRUPTLY) Im going the other way Not even

J.D. AND TURK SLOW DOWN. TURK PUTS ON HIS TRENCH COAT, WIG AND SUNGLASSES. HE HIDES FROM DR. KELSO BEHIND JD. JD (WHISPERING) Why are you hiding behind me? TURK Because you are my ultimatemirage. We look just alike. JD (WHISPERING)

Youre right, hell never know. why are you hiding?

But

DR. KELSO WALKS TOWARD THEM. AS HE IS ABOUT TO PASS JD AND TURK HE STARTS SNIFFING THE AIR. DR. KELSO JD, have you seen your other half? JD My other half? Well who could that be, Dr. Kelso? I seem to be all put together today. JD STARTS DOING THE ROBOT. DR. KELSO Dr. Dorian! JD (STRAIGHTENS UP) Um No, Dr, Kelso, I havent but when I see him Ill be sure to tell him youre looking for him. DR KELSO No need. He knows Im looking for him. Hes around here. I can smell him a mile away. Im interested to know, did you give him a hug, Dr. Dorian? JD No, why would I do that? Dr Kelso Because you smell just like him. Dont play with me Dr. Dorian. You and Dr. Turk flit through here like two school girls in a poppy field. I know hes married but that doesnt mean

anything to you now does it, Dr. Dorian? JD (CONFUSED) I dont know what you are talking about. DR. KELSO Well its too late to be coy now, Dr. Dorian. In any case, I want you to check on a heart patient in Room 204. His name is Dr Hume PH.D NOT MD., and hes got a lot of money. Hes not someone we want to be running out of here. Got me, Dr. Dorian. JD Okay, I will check on Dr Hume. DR. KELSO Dr. Hume Ph.d not MD. JD Dr. Hume Ph.d not MD. SINGS HEY BIG SPENDER FROM THE MUSICAL SWEET CHARITY DR KELSO What?! JD Im on my way DR. KELSO Well be on your way faster. DR. KELSO WALKS AWAY SNIFFING THE AIR

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JD What was that about? TURK (COMING FROM BEHIND JD) Good fake. Remember the time when Dr. Kelso wanted the staff to perform Big Spender for Richard Mallard, the cologne manufacturer, who had irritable bowel syndrome? INT: FANTASY IN A BROTHEL JD, TURK, TED, ELLIOT, CARLA AND THE JANITOR ARE DRESSED UP LIKE THE BIG SPENDER SCENE IN SWEET CHARITY PERFORMING THE SONG. DR. KELSO IS THE CHITA RIVERA ROLE. DR KELSO EVENTUALLY FALLS DURING THE PERFORMANCE DISSOLVE TO: BACK TO REALITY JD Yea. We could have finished that if Dr. Kelso hadnt twisted his ankle trying to lift it onto the bar. JDS THOUGHTS Such unusually youthful legs. TURK Well I performed so well that the guy gave me a blissful bottle of his special cologne, Boudoir. Every time I wear it, it drives Dr. Kelso insane. JD He does seem to have a nose for misery. TURK

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The last time I wore it he said the patients with allergies got caught up in such a frenzy that they had to give them oxygen. JD (COCKY) Well, you are wearing quite a bit now. Turk No, you are and you need it. CARLA WALKS UP TO THEM CARLA Oh, I see you two are talking again! TURK Thats what JD and I do Carla. CARLA (PULLS HIM CLOSE) I dont feel like arguing, right now. Besides, I love it when you wear that cologne. TURK and CARLA GIVE EACH OTHER A PECK TURK (To JD) Chill on what you are saying. The ladies love that Boudoir. Oh and by the way, it sounds like Dr. Kelso assigned you to the frequent flyer. HA HA!!! ELLIOT HASTILY WALKS DOWN THE HALL. ALL THE OTHER DOCTORS START TAKING OFF THEIR TRENCH COATS, WIGS AND SUNGLASSES. JD IS STANDING THERE STUNNED. JD

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(STUNNED) Ive been tricked, fooled, hoodwinked. ELLIOT So I heard, Dr. Kelso got you. You should have had your trench coat on. I went by room 204 and hes got a massive family in there. The room is, like, busting at the seams with family. You are going to have a hard time with this one. JD Really? ELLIOT YEPI mean its bad. JD Well then you are coming with me. Lets go. ELLIOT (BEING PULLED BY JD) But I dont wanna come with you. JD Youre coming. ELLIOT Frickin, frick, frick. JDS NARRATION Every doctor hates to have to talk to a patient while family is present. Family always seems to think they know more history on the patient then the patient themselves. Family also wants you to talk to them as if they were the

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patient. And in the end family always has ideas about how to diagnose and treat your patient. It is important that a doctor always maintain proper distance even with family because you are there for the patient, not family. So, in order to stomach family and still treat other patients in the same day without losing your mind, some doctors bring reinforcements. CUT TO: INT: DR. HUME PH.D NOT MD.S ROOM - DAY HIS FAMILY IS ASSEMBLED AROUND THE BED. THEY OPEN UP A PASSAGEWAY WHEN JD AND ELLIOT WALK THROUGH THE DOOR. JD Hello everyone, Im Dr. Dorian and this is DR. Reid. JD AND ELLIOT SHAKES DR. HUME PH.D NOT MDS HAND. BACK BECAUSE HER HAND IS SO COLD. DR. HUME Wow your hands are coldMy ELLIOT (BREAKING IN SHAMEFULLY) Cold I know.. JD (BREAKING IN WHILE READING THE CHART) Dr. Hume, from your chart, it looks like you have Angina (he says it angina). DR HUMES BROTHER An-gina whats that? ELLIOT HE DRAWS

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Perhaps youve heard it said an-jyna (she says it an-jyna) and those are chest pains. DR. HUMES MOTHER COVERS HER MOUTH AND GASPS JDS THOUGHTS She said an-jyna. That is such a funny word very close to.. ELLIOT (CUTS INTO HIS THOUGHTS) And when I say angina (an-jyna), I am not talking about the other thing Mrs. Hume. JDS THOUGHTS Crossing lines Elliotdont call her Mrs. Hume! Getting too personaluse no names but the patients name or well never get out of here. DR. HUMES BROTHER Mother keep your ears closed. So angina/an-jyna are chest pains? Well we already know he has chest pains doctor. What we want to know is (SLOWLY) what caused the chest pains? ELLIOT TURNS TOWARD THE FAMILY BROTHER THEN LOOKS TOWARD THE DR. HUME AND GRABS THE CHART FROM JD. ELLIOT (MIFFED) As of yet, we dont know what caused his chest pains. DR. HUMES BROTHER (SLOWLY)

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What are you going to do to find out what caused his chest pains? ELLIOT TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND JD GRABS THE CHART FROM HER. JD We will continue to monitor his heart, order a stress test, and send him down for chest x-rays and an electrocardiogram. We will then look at the results and tell you why we think he had chest pains. DR. HUMES SISTER You do that every time we come here. JD Yea, well we will start out with the basics again and see where they lead us. DR. HUME Ok well Dr. Dorian and Dr. Reid, now that you have answered my familys questions, first let me introduce myself, my name is Dr. Hume PH.d not MD. Second, I know I am no stranger to this hospital but I have never had this feeling before. I am well acquainted with angina (an-gina). Ive been in for that before though no one has ever said it so nicely. But since I was told about it the last time, I started running each day for at least 30 minutes. DR. HUMES SISTER Yea but you eat at least 5 hoagies a week. (TO ELLIOT AND JD)Did you know that? Is that in that chart?

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JD LOOKS IN THE CHART, THERE ARE PAGES ENTITLED SHORT STORY ONE AND TWO INDICATING DOCTORS WHO HAVE ADDED ALL THE STORIES THE FAMILY HAS TOLD. THE CHART IS BUSTING AT THE SEAMS WITH PAPER. JD Yes, it seems to be well documented here in his... DR. HUMES SISTER (BREAKING IN) Good because I will pass out if I have to say that again. DR. HUME Shes a little bit of a drama queen. If she passes out, shell get up again. No sweat. Keep going, Im listening. SHE PASSES OUT DR. HUMES AUNT (BREAKS IN) I told you that you werent taking care of yourself just because you ran. Your uncle Leonard passed away from a heart attack. (TO ELLIOT) Dr. Dorian, his uncle Leonard looked healthy and fit one day and boom, the next day dead. ELLIOT Well it IS the silent killer. DR. HUMES WIFE He is always under stress. DR. HUME Katherine! My Humey

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DR. HUMES WIFE (TO ELLIOT AND JD) My Humey is always reading and always rushing and ELLIOT (ANNOYED) OK, that is good. Ummwe are going to order a stress test to try and... DR. HUMES SISTER Dr. Dorian just said that. You know this time I dont know if that is a good thing! He has chest pains. Dont you think he needs rest. We.. ELLIOT STARTS GOING FOR THE FAMILY MEMBER TALKING. JD CATCHES HER AND GRABS THE CHART. JD (HASTILY) Well, it was good talking to everybody and we will let you know when we know more. GRABS ELLIOT AND WALKS OUT DR. HUMES MOTHER (TAKES HER HAND DOWN FROM HER EARS) Are you guys through with Vagina? ALL DR. HUMES FAMILY MOTHER!! CUT TO:

l8 INT: ICU HALLWAY DAY ELLIOT I hate families like that. He is a grown man and completely sane, competent and able to make his own judgements. And have you looked at that chart! He has been here a million times for the same problem! JD I know but what can I do, Dr. Kelso put me on this one? And anyway, you are making life harder with your Mrs. Hume bit. In situations like that only use maam or sir, it creates seperation. And I just want to remind you that angina (an-gina) is so much prettier then the vulgar an-jyna. ELLIOT First of all, I was trying to bond in other ways because my hand exercises werent working and Im still working on trying not to be too cold and it is said an-jyna for all those people who arent wusses. JD Yeawell you dont have to do the bonding thing anymore. ELLIOT I dont knowmaybe. But what I do know is I am NOT going back in there if all of them are there. THEY BOTH LOOK IN THE ROOM. AS VAMPIRES. ALL THE FAMILY ARE DRESSED UP

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DR. HUMES BROTHER (IN THE BACKGROUND) We can keep a 24 hour vigil. That way somebody will always be here. ELLIOT They are going to make our lives miserable. DR. COX WALKS UP BEHIND ELLIOT AND STARTLES THEM. DR. COX Waa, waaa, waaa. Are we upset because the Humes wont stop talking? Well just keep on crying because the big bad family wont stop puffing and puffing and blowing on your little feelings. (DISGUSTED) And you say youre doctors. Shanda! JD Yes! DR. COX You know I would love to sit and talk in the Barbiemobile but Im a doctor. Noooo, not Ken doctor but a real doctor. Stop thinking about whether its an-gina or an-jyna and get your intern before he kills my patient. You know the patient that is not yours because she belongs to me. The one that has the last name of Taylormuch like your Taylor but a little different being that she is a whole different person. Its so funny, I know this because yours, though having the same last name and even more odd, scent of Jasmine, is male, having the chromosome Y and mine, female, having that beloved but annoying X chromosome. Who ARE these incompetent people I work around?

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JD IS GONE BUT ELLIOT IS STILL STANDING LOOKING INTO DR. HUMES ROOM. DR. COX PUTS HIS ELBOW UP ON THE WINDOW AND CUPS HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND LIKE HE IS INTERESTED IN WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY. DR. COX Oh Dr. Reid! I am such a mess. I dont know what to do with myself. I cant do my job and hmm, how can I say this. My aunt is in town. You do know what I mean when I say aunt dont you? Aunt Flow. ELLIOT ROLLS HER EYES AND WALKS AWAY. THE OTHER WAY DISGUSTED. CUT TO: DR. COX CONTINUES IN

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Scene B INT: NURSES STATION - DAY CARLA AND LAVERNE ARE HAVING A DEEP CONVERSATION JD (WALKS UP) So ladies what is up? CARLA Nothing Bambi, just getting some things off my chest. JD What things? CARLA Married woman things. JD (STILL STANDING) Okay? CARLA Not discussing this with you Bambino. JDS THOUGHTS Oooo she said Bambino, I must be in trouble now. CARLA Look Bambi, You talk to and me. Im anything you I have already warned you. my husband enough for him sure if I were to tell you could finish my sentences. JD

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Umm Carla, that isnt true. We just talk about guy stuff. CARLA Yea, and Carla and Turk stuff too. JD Nooo. Not really. I like talking about me more. Hey, I do have a real quick question. Do you prefer the pretty pronunciation of angina (an-gina) or the vulgar angina (an-jyna)? CARLA An-jyna LAVERNE An-gina JANITOR WALKS UP AS LAVERNE AND CARLA BEGIN TO ARGUE. JANITOR I say an-jyna because you hate it. THE JANITOR TOUCHES THE SCREWDRIVER TO HIS JDS SHOULDER BEFORE HE WALKS AWAY. LAVERNE AND CARLA ARE STILL ARGUING. DR. HUMES SISTER WALKS UP DR. HUMES SISTER I dont mean to interrupt, its just that I thought I would tell you some things about Dr. Hume you might not know. JD Yes DR. HUMES SISTER

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He eats lots of hoagies. That is his favorite food. JD Yes, you guys told us about that. DR. HUMES SISTER: I read on one of those internet medical pages that people suffering from angina should rest so that they wont inflame the situation, dont you agree? JD No, if you are saying he shouldnt take the stress test. DR. HUMES SISTER Well I dont think he should take the stress test. He went running the other day and almost passed out. JD (JOKINGLY) Did he run after eating the hoagie? DR. HUMES SISTER No. JD Okay (STOPS LAUGHING). Well, he is under great care here. Everything you have said is already in his chart. Dr. Reid and I have both looked at it and agree that he will be fine with a stress test. DR. HUMES SISTER What if he doesnt want to do it?

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JD Then he would have to say that. DR. HUMES SISTER Fine JDS THOUGHTS I hate family. JD WALKS AWAY FROM THE NURSES STATION. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO Scene A

INT: SACRED HEART -HALLWAY ICU SERIES OF SHOTS JD is walking down the hallway. As he is talking a montage of shots with them hiding and being caught are presented. Pink Panther theme is playing. They are in trench coatsand sunglasses: A)Elliot sneaks onto an elevator to get away from the sister but his brother is in the elevator. B) JD is in the cafeteria about to take a bite of his lunch and his mother sits down at the table. C) Elliot is behind the nurses station shielding her head and filling out a chart and Dr Humes sister walks up on her, taps her on her head and starts talking, Elliot begins to talk and she passes out. Elliot shrugs. D) JD is back in the cafeteria and his sister walks down, gets in line and orders a hamburger. She gets the hamburger, looks at it and throws it at the cafeteria woman. The cafeteria woman then throws jello back at his sister. JD looks up at heaven, thanks God and slinks out as the cafeteria lady and Dr. Humes sister argue. JD NARRATION (DURING THE SERIES OF SHOTS) The next day Elliot and I spent the whole day hiding from the Hume family. Everytime, we thought we could get away, another family member was right around the corner. And each of them had something new to add. Dr. Hume Phd not MDs sister wanted us to know he liked cake and ate lots of it. She then went on to tell us how to diagnose her brother and pushed the idea again that she had read it online and it seemed the reasonable solution. Apparently, his brother told Elliot he thought Dr. Hume had mental issues because he, at age 13 climbed on top of the roof with a cape on and jumped off breaking both his arms. Later, they

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found out he had taken their fathers heart medicine and he could see the walls move so he went outside to fly. That wasnt in the chart and it had no bearing on his current state. His mother told me she wanted us to make sure we fed him correctly and gave him regular colonics. All the things they said to us were either part of his extensive chart or had no bearing to his history or our diagnosis. This is the problem doctors have with families. CUT TO: INT: BAR NIGHT ELLIOT, TURK, JD AND CARLA ARE HAVING DRINKS. TIRED. JDS THOUGHTS That evening we were all tired from fighting with our different families. Carla was tired of Turk talking to me about their married life. Turk was tired of Carla talking to the nurses about their married life. Elliot was tired of her patients. And I was tired of all of them. CARLA You know Turk it would be great if you would finish your drink so we could go. TURK Carla, it would be great if you didnt drink so much. Maybe then Laverne wouldnt know everything about my life. Plus, I cant drink all that fast. I have diabetes. JD THEY ARE ALL

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Yea Carlawe cant rush him. CARLA Shut up JD! (TO TURK) Your life! From what I remember it is OUR life! And Turk, I am not an alcoholic and I resent the implication. TURK Couldve fooled me with as much talking as you do. CARLA Turk, I talk to you about our life, and our child who, excuse me for thinking, is going to eventually be here and you cant seem to get your head out of work, or tomfoolery or JD. JD Hey dont bring me into this. TURK AND CARLA Shut Up JD!! ELLIOT Hey Hey Hey! Listen, I have been in and out, in and out, in and out of patients rooms today, talking to everyone but and sometimes including, the person I am really there for. If you guys arent talking to each other that is a shame. You ought to get enough of that doing your jobs. SHE GETS UP TO LEAVE, EVERYONE IS QUIET. JD (TURNS TO BARTENDER)

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Hey, Ill put up one attending life for your life? Wanna trade? DISSOLVE TO:

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Scene B

INT: NURSES STATION - DAY LAVERNE AND CARLA ARE TALKING. CARLA IS DEEP IN CONVERSATION WHILE TURK WALKS PASSES. TURK Oh hello Carla, good to know Turk cares so much. LAVERNE AND CARLA SMIRK. TURK WALKS AWAY CARL Wheres Carla Turk, I never see her anymore? Im surprised JD is not around. JD WALKS UP TO THE NURSES STATION. JD Hey Carla. You know today I decided I was going to LAVERNE Speaking of the devil. CARLA Yea Bambi. Can I pass? I am really talking to Laverne right now. You know, grown woman stuff? DR. COX (WALKING UP) Oh yea, he knows all about thatOh but wait, he might not be at your level being that you are all grown and everything. Nancy here is more along the lines of adolescent car sex talk. Isnt that right Felicia.

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DR COX HITS HIM ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND WALKS OFF JD Carla, Turk does not go that in-depth with me about what you do in your marriage. Maybe the problem is not what he tells me but that you are really close to having this baby and you two are in your separate places in order to deal with being scared and hesitant about being parents. CARLA (SARCASTICALLY) Oh JD, I didnt know you were a married pregnant woman? Laverne, I had no clue, did you know that? LAVERNE Nope, cant say I did even though he has maintained an odd feminine glow. JD Thanks for the compliment ladies. Carla, I am just trying to help. CARLA Well you arent talking to the right person. JD Yea, I am JD WALKS OFF WITH THE CHART. INT: DR HUME PH.d NOT MDs ROOM DAY SISTER IS SLEEP IN THE SEAT NEXT TO THE BED. READING. DR. HUME IS

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ELLIOT Hey, I see the gang is not here DR. HUME They are all getting something to eat in the cafeteria. They left my sister up here because she apparently wasnt all that friendly with the cafeteria staff yesterday. Something about a hamburger and jello? ELLIOT HmmYea, heard about that. Shes got some anger issues, it seems. Anyways, I just wanted to come in and see how you were doing. It doesnt look like your condition is anything serious(starts to walk out but turns around). You know every member of your family has given me bits and pieces of your patient history? DR. HUME Some can embellish a bit, Im afraid. ELLIOT Yea that is true. I never knew when you were thirteen you tied a cape around your neck and took your fathers heart pills. Apparently, ever since then youve had a heart murmur. DR. HUME That must have been my brother. ELLIOT You have so many family members here. Its like a family reunion.

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DR. HUME Yea, I kind of have an overzealous family. Admittedly, we are all like that. Hell, Im a noted anthropologist, invested in the study of humanity. Youve never seen me in action but let one of them get sick. You wouldnt like me so much either. ELLIOT Good to know. You know talking to you is not half bad without your family. DR. HUME Yea, my family can be a bit of a dark cloud but they mean well. They are concerned which is why I let them go on the way they do. ELLIOT Yeawell, I think this is a false alarm. You do have angina and you will have to keep exercising just because it is good for you but I dont think there is anything wrong with you. THEY CAN HEAR DR. HUMES FAMILY COMING UP THE HALLWAY. ELLIOT Well here they come. I am going to get right on out of here. It was good talking to YOU for just once though. IN THE BACKGROUND THE FAMILY IS ARGUING ABOUT WHETHER THEY WILL GIVE HIM THE SANDWICH OR THE SOUP. DR. HUMES MOTHER Give him the sandwich, dont starve him

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DR. HUMES SISTER The sandwich has too much fat. Just give him the soup. ELLIOT RUNS OUT BEFORE THE FAMILY COMES IN MEANWHILE INT: SCRUBBING ROOM SURGERY - DAY JD WALKS IN WHILE TURK IS SCRUBS IN JD Hey. I just saw Carla. TURK Dont remind me. You know JD, I have to go in there and cut someone open. I am about to peform the most direct contact with a human and I cant even tell my wife that I am afraid that I am going to be a bad father. JD Well the good thing about that is that she cant either. Carla and Laverne have already proven that Im not a married pregnant lady but if I were to have an opinion about it, you two have more in common then you know. TURK Maybe JD Hey, this is totally off the subject but do you prefer an-gina or an-jyna? TURK Oh for me it will always be AN-JYNA!!! You know what Im sayin? Raaar!

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JD But dude thats so ugly! TURK I dont think so. THE TODD WALKS INTO THE ROOM TURK Hey Todd, An-gina or An-jyna? TODD An-jyna hands down. (TO JD) You know what Im sayin? Give me five? TURK SHRUGS AND WALKS INTO THE SURGERY ROOM AND ANNOUNCES AN-GINA OR AN-GYNA WHICH DO YOU PREFER?. THE SURGEONS START ARGUING. THE TODD SCRUBS IN.
DISSOLVE TO:

An-Jyna!

I think its a great word

INT: HALLWAY OF ICU DAY JD IS WALKS DOWN THE HALL JDS THOUGHTS After leaving Turk in his hell, I was feeling pretty happy. Out of all my friends, I didnt have the worst problems. Life is good and life compared to my friends is SWEET. JANITOR WALKS UP TO JD WITH DR. HUMES SISTER. JANITOR Hey, youre Dr Humes doctor right? JD Why, yes, I am.

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JANITOR This precious woman, who happens to be a new addition to the Hume family was looking for the way to the cafeteria. IF I remember, it is waaay on the other side of the hospital right? I have to finish mopping the floor but I told her you could help her out. JD Sure. Hold on. (WALKS BACK TO THE JANITOR). Youre not even mopping. Its Tuesday, your roaming to make my life miserable day. Everyone knows that no work but the necessary work gets done today. JANITOR I know but I heard her talking about that rich guy in 204 and I figured you could help her out. You and Dr. Dorian seemed so thrilled after leaving his room the other day. JD May your soul, one day be weary and unable to traipse upon the goodness of others. JANITOR Dear sir, you couldnt handle the truth of my soul. JD WALKS AWAY WITH THE WOMAN. AT HIM. THE JANITOR LAUGHS AND WAVES

DISSOLVE TO:

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INT: BREAK ROOM - DAY JD IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING THE PAPER. JDS NARRATION I was able to pass Dr Humes new addition onto Elliot before she could put me through the Spanish Inquisition. That made me even happier. Elliot was in hell but she was in no more hell then any other doctor. Plus, she seemed to derive some satisfaction from dealing with Dr. Hume and his family. TURK WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND STANDS NEXT TO THE COUCH. SHORTLY AFTER HE STARTS TALKING CARLA WALKS INTO THE DOORWAY AND STOPS TO LISTEN. TURK Dude JD Yea TURK I love my wife but I dont know if I am going to be a good father. That scares me more then anything in the world. That JD is something I cant tell her. JD Okay but why? TURK Because a woman going through what she is going through does not deserve someone so unsure.

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CARLA Yes I do. TURK TURNS AROUND TURK Im sorry Carla. I dont know what to do? What if we mess up and name our baby the wrong thing? What if I drop the baby or what if I dont read to it enough? What if I get the big things right but mess up on all the little things? CARLA Then we will both mess up together. But what we cant do is not talk about our worst fears to each other. No one else can help us like us. I dont mind you talking to JD hell its JD, I talk to him, too JD I know Im special. And did you know that Turk likes to say An-jyna?

TURK AND CARLA GIVE HIM A LOOK CARLA CONT. But not unless we talk to each other first. TURK AND CARLA HUG. DR. COX COMES IN

DR. COX OhhhhThe new parents fixing boo boos. Oh does this boo boo hurt, shooshie wooshie? Sorry, I did that boo boo. Let me kiss it and make it better. I walk in here and I want to puke. I bet when I pass Barbie shes going to be crying about the fact that her

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boyfriend handed her a garbage pail kid card rather then a flower. Waaa Waaa. Oh and you Stacy with your teacup fairy dreams where you spin around and around until you throw up. I feel like I work in a day care. (starts repeating) Oh GOD! So many reasons to see a shrink, so many reasons to see a shrink, so many reasons to see a shrink. DR COX STORMS OUT. CARLA DISMISSES THE OUTBURST TURK Baby, you like saying An-gina? CARLA Yea, its better sounding. TURK But how do you address your womany bits? CARLA I just call it, its real namevagina TURK But Im confused TURK AND CARLA WALK OUT ARGUING. COUCH. JD You know, I might be out of control in my dreams and in most of my conscious life but thats what you have family forto catch you when youre spinning and remind you of who you are even if they misdiagnose your ailment. Family is a patient you can never get rid of. DR COX WALKS BACK JD RELAXES BACK IN THE

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DR. COX You know Christina, youve got the whole hospital arguing over an-gina or an-gyna. You should know Lady Harlot that it doesnt matter whether you call it an-gina or an-gyna. An-gyna or angina. Too-re-lo-re-lo or pat-a-pat-apan, fife or drum, to-mayto or to-mato, Sonny or Cher, give or take. It doesnt matter Ms. Ann. Youre a doctor so pronounce your womanly parts in the proper way and stop using the hospital as your own little sounding board. DR. COX STORMS OUT. JD CONT. Not even the angry uncle. And who would really want to? FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO THE END