The following Cunning Plan, devised by the Government, has been hacked by our unnamed hacker

Classification Top Secret

A Cunning Plan
People may be concerned to learn that the Government is cutting back on defence spending and is about to make thousands of service personnel redundant. On the face of it, this is indeed worrying. However, an unnamed source within the Government has revealed that this is all a part of a Cunning Plan involving collusion between the Ministry of Defence, MoD, and the Department of Energy and Climate Change DECC. While travelling round the country or visiting the coast, one is aware of the ever-increasing number of windfarms that are springing up over the countryside and out to sea. The Government continues to sanction the erection of these eyesores on an ever-increasing scale, in spite of the objections raised by influential environmental groups, and the anger of local communities. Why would any set of politicians, in their right mind, sanction the destruction of their green and pleasant land to throw up these inefficient monstrosities in the name of producing electricity, when power stations would produce the same commodity 99% more efficiently? At best, windfarms are only in action for 20% of their life. They use wind-power to produce electricity. So, obviously, when there is no wind they produce nothing. Then, ridiculously, if the wind blows at a useful speed, DECC has to switch them off before they go on fire. Furthermore, in winter, when they are loaded with ice, individual blades become gigantic catapults. So why are they there at all? This brings us to the Cunning Plan, which involves defending the realm more efficiently with a greatly reduced number of armed forces. Treat the information that we are about to divulge with the utmost discretion. For if it fell into the hands of a potential enemy, we fear that it would jeopardise the safety and wellbeing of the country. That said, and without giving too much away, our unnamed hacker states in his leaked memorandum, The windfarms that DECC has sanctioned to be built out to sea will, in the near future, surround the whole island of Great Britain. Then, when the encirclement is complete, the MoD will transform them into an offshore Siegfried Line. This defensive shield will prove a nightmare for any enemy landing craft that tries to penetrate it. Without revealing the tactics, the strategy is this: in the event of an attempted invasion, the Admiralty would allow the enemy to get the bulk of its craft in among the towers and then the SBS/SAS would set the whole area on fire with an inflammable concoction of North Sea Gas and

Oil that lies in abundance beneath the seabed. As one Admiral commented to a certain General, That should teach the buggers a lesson. In the meantime, as any observer will have realised, there are plans to cover every available piece of ground on the mainland with these seemingly useless monstrosities. Further to this, we have evidence, in the leaked document, that the towers are equipped with powerful engines. Thus, in the event of an invasion, they will be set to rev at full speed. The ensuing draft will scatter any incoming paratroopers among the blades, which then will swat them like flies. This will reduce the invading force to a heap of minced meat in a matter of minutes. Interestingly, in true British style, this whole defence idea was born accidentally when a boffin from the MoD was on holiday up-north and saw a flock of starlings wiped out in a matter of seconds by a couple of wind-turbines, A magnificent sight, which thrilled and inspired him. So there you have it, another Cunning Plan that, one day, will rank in the annals of history alongside Agincourt, Trafalgar. Waterloo, the So... D-day and the Falklands. So, in the near future, if you become enraged by the sight of a forest of these noisy ugly worthless lumps of metal that do nothing but bat birds into oblivion and channel money into the hands of foreign industrialists suddenly obliterating your favourite beauty spot... rejoice! For these sentinels are there to guard our green... Hmmm.
charlie@mancunium.fsnet.co.uk