WHAT

(color)

E LEPHANT
___________ THE____________ISSUE

Mad Libs (from ad lib, a spontaneous improvisation) is a phrasal template word game where one player prompts another for a list of words to substitute for blanks in a story, usually with funny results. The game is especially popular with American children and is frequently played as a party game or as a pastime. Mad Libs was invented in 1953 by Leonard Stern and Roger Price, who published the first Mad Libs book themselves in 1958. It resembles the earlier games of Consequences and Exquisite Corpse. Mad Libs books are still published by Price Stern Sloan, an imprint of Penguin Group, cofounded by Price and Stern. Format Mad Libs consist of a book that has a short story on each page with many key words replaced with blanks. Beneath each blank is specified a lexical or other category, such as noun, verb, place, or part of the body. One player asks the other players, in turn, to contribute some word for the specified type for each blank, but without revealing the context for that word. Finally, the completed story is read aloud. The result is usually comic, surreal and somewhat nonsensical.

QUID

pro quo
WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT - a subsidiary of BIGOTRY INDUSTRIES - a division of CONJECTURE TECHNOLOGIES INCORPORATED You can find this issue and past issues at scribd.com/whatwhiteelephant or even e-mail us at what.white.elephant@gmail.com & well send you a pdf (unless were too drunk). Were also on Facebook, and on Twitter @what_elephant (if youre into those sorts of things). Physical copies are on a first come, third served basis (offer void in Virginia). We only usually print or so copies (cause we dont have any sponsors; because were too (#) dumb or principled or something to have any) and most are sent out through our awesomely fantastic mailing list. You can submit your mailing address through the various forms of communication mentioned above to be added to said mailing list, however we will not mail anything within a 20 mile radius of Midwestern City (were cheap people & figure its easier to hand you a copy than use 3 stamps to send it 6 miles away four days later). If you are a local, please contact your nearest regional zine representative about obtaining a physical copy. Gracias, mi amigos.

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEJULYISSUE

CONTENTS
...2 HOROSCOPES FILL IN YOUR _______ ...4 ...6 EDITORS LETTER

FOREGROUND
AN INTERVIEW WITH A DEAD CAT ...7
Everything you could possibly imagine and so much more!

PORN & LOVE

...8

Ideally, Id like to find someone who wants to be monogamous with me, to get out of the biz & settle down into a quiet life.

13

SWANNS BLANKS & AT YOUR CONVENIENCE ...10

A selection of two short stories to tickle your fancies & literary desires. Fancy it! Do it right now!

THE ILLUSORY PATH

...12 ...17

My soul is in the wrong place. I want the wrong things. Ive always wanted the wrong things

TALES OF WOE

I grew up rough. Who didnt, right? Im not special, but have an opportunity to exploit my tales of events for your viewing entertainment

...13

...15

AGAPE

...15

As I read through old journal entires, I recognize the recurring theme that had arisen

IN CASE YOU NEED YOUR BLANK FILLED WITH

CONFESSIONAL THINGS OVERHEARD THE GUEST LIST ...18 ...19 ...20

A BLANK PAGE

...17

Ripe for your content & advertising dollars

SPONSOREDBY

WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT HOROSCOPES EVERYTHING YOU WERE TOO AFRAID TO ASK THE BUT
(noun)

ARIES - A Gemini will act like a pompous asshole, as usual, this month so you should probably put them in their place. If a good verbal lashing doesnt do (sometimes Geminis are known for their ability to be total insensitive assholes-- like Capricorns are) you should probably punch them in the face. They might cry in the corner for a while, but thats exactly how to speak their language. This is a good month to have a barbecue. Hint hint. TAURUS - A Scorpio will ask your boss for a raise, but you totally deserve it over them. Start a vicious rumor about them, and then brown nose to your boss. You wont get a raise, but you will have gained the infamy of your co-workers & the praise of your boss. If you get mad, get even. No one really likes a loser, so now is a good time to try your hand at some good old-fashioned vengence. If you need help in devising how to fuck shit up, ask a Sagittarius; theyre the most spiteful people I know. GEMINI - Youre a piece of human garbage. I know that might sting considering everyone around you treats you like a precious porcelain doll, but trust me, you are a complete waste of space. While your capacity for manipulating everyone around you is impressive, it will diminish in power the older you get, and you might have to start actually doing things for yourself. Look forward to a life of using everyone around you & always settling for less than you expected, and more than you deserve.
2 INSIGHTFULDIVINATIONS

CANCER - Everyone around you is acting batshit crazy! Capricorns are being totally flaky this month, Geminis are being selfish. A Taurus friend of yours will be completely not discreet asking a Sagittarius you know about how to be completely badass; totally outside their character. Said Taurus will go to jail this month. Dont answer your phone when they do, or they will ask you for bail money again. Need I remind you they still havent paid you back from last time? Buck up. LEO - You feel like a big sleepy kitty this month. Instead of going out, having fun, or communicating with the outside world, you will be content with sitting by yourself & pouting while the whole world goes on living without you. Stock up on tv dinners, unless you can snag a Chinese restaurants delivery menu and you havent spent all your disposable income on cheap booze and drugs... again. Try rehab again. Itll probably work this time around. VIRGO - How does that expression go? Candy is dandy, but cocaine is quicker? You will have a hazy but busy month this month. Youre doing a good job at work this month, even though your coworkers expect you to carry all the weight. Someone will ask you for a favor around the 17th of this month. You should probably tell them no unless it wont put you out too much. Hey, we aint running no charity here, motherfucker. You should swear more. Everyone will probably take you more seriously.

LIBRA - Let your liver take a breather this month. Start praying more.

CAPRICORN - A Scorpio will ask for a raise this month, and while they most likely do deserve it, you should probably react incredibly irrationally. I mean, theyre only your employees trying to bust their asses so you look good to your boss. But whatever. Keep head strong this month, dont listen to reason or logic, and Im sure nothing but wonderful things will continue to happen to you. Your tires will be slashed near the end of this month, but dont fear, its just a random spree of crime occuring in (insert your location here). AQUARIUS - Good thing were not in Kansas anymore. Watch for the juicier peaches of life. They are foreign and domestic. Being out and in of Kansases is the underlying theme of peaches popping up from the past, and you should know that foreign will feel domestic, as domestic can feel foreign. Your lucky numbers are 42, 42, 42, 42, 42, and 42. A Scorpio might be asking around for something this month, but dont give in to any Crabs. For anyone born under any other star sign asking for money, ask them to choose 42 numbers. Judge. PISCES - You will be asked to do a favor this month. Refuse. Even if you do accept, put as minimum effort in accomplishing said favor as possible. Disassociate as much as you realistically can to aid you in your task. Youll probably make a lot of enemies in the process, but a life not risked is not really a life at all, is it? Someone around you probably wants nothing more than for you to shutthefuckup and listen. Refuse. Their opinions & feelings dont matter, especially compared to yours.

SCORPIO - You should probably avoid eating anymore day old sushi or youre going to have a case of really bad food poisoning. Or maybe do, maybe you like spending your afternoons vomitting out of your mouth and asshole. I could be wrong, I have been before. Once. You should probably request a raise this month at work, unless your boss is a Capricorn; theyre totally irrational this month. Otherwise, keep your metaphorical nose to the metaphysical grindstone and you will do nothing but succeed. SAGITTARIUS - Hey buddy, youre feeling very (emotion or feeling) this month, so dont be surprised if everyone is amazingly jealous of you. Did you get a new job last month? Are you enjoying it? Remember, you always have your brilliant customer service skills to fall back on in case of emergency. You should surprise all your friends by showing how environmentally aware you are allofasudden. Being trendy when its hip isnt necessarily a bad thing. Poser.

FILL IN YOUR

_________

Yeti Detective (1 Noun) ________ (2 Adjective) ________ (3 Verb) ________ (4 Verb) ________ (5 Verb) ________ (6 Noun) ________ (7 Noun) ________ (8 Contraband) ________ (9 Ingredient) ________ (10 Ingredient) ________ (11 Dangerous Substance) ________ (12 Dangerous Substance) ________ (13 Name) ________ (14 Sexy Noun) ________ (15 Mind Altering Substance) ________ (16 Crime Verb) ________ (17 Depressing Adjective) ________ (18 Noun) ________ (19 Violence Verb) ________ (20 Bodily Fluid) ________ (21 Metallurgy Noun) ________ (22 Derogatory Noun) ________ (23 Name) ________ (24 Event) ________ (25 Biological Function) ________ (26 Biological Function) ________ (27 Biological Function) ________ (28 Biological Function) ________ (29 Biological Function) ________ (30 Relieving Verb) ________ (31 Sex Crime) ________ (32 Adjective) ________ (33 Adjective) ________ (34 Disgusting Noun) ________ (35 Disgusting Noun) ________ (36 Biological Function) ________ (37 Bodily Fluid) ____________

I dont eat much _____1_____ anymore, but back when I was 20 I liked it raw, hot and ____2____ in my mouth. My roommate and I would ____3____ in the parking lot of our apartment under cover of darkness. We thought it was hilarious to do it in public. Besides, its not like we could ____4____ inside. Everyone was always like, Guys, arent you afraid somebodys going to call the cops? The truth is, it wouldnt have been as exciting if there that wasnt a possibility. But either nobody ever called the cops, or the cops didnt care about two white boys ____5____ing ____6____ over a six-foot ____7____ in that neighborhood. Its not like thats the worst thing we ever did when we lived there, anyway. Nobody called the cops when we figured out how to make ____8____ with ____9____ and ____10____ and the place filled up with ____11____ so we just left and hoped it would air out before we got back even though those two junkies were still passed out inside. Theyd probably rather risk ____12____ poisoning than miss a nap, anyway. The one whos still alive, that is. That was a fun apartment, and ____13____ was my all time favorite roommate. I could live with him forever. And its not even a gay thing. Were just two guys, full of lust for ____14____ , and sometimes we like to drink ____15____ and wander around town at night looking for cops to ___16___. Once, on a particularly ____17____ night, I was one hundred percent off my tits, and I became concerned that my friend was insecure about his ___18____. So I invited him to prove himself by ___19___ing me in the face. Of course, he took the opportunity, and the next thing I remember is

waking up 6 hours later in a bathtub full of my own ___20___. Cheeky bastard. But thats what friends are for when you get right down to brass ___21___. Last story for you ingrateful ___22____s. ____23____ and I were driving to the ___24___ when I stopped and said, Oh, no. I have to ___25___, and I dont think Im going to make it. He surveyed the landscape, spying a prime opportunity. Theres a church over there. You could ____26____ on it. I kind of need to ___27___, too. Perhaps Ill join you. We can show god what we think of him by ____28____ing on his house. You, sir, said I, are a genius. And thus began a long tradition of he and I ____29____ing on every church we came across during road trips. Or, if we are at someones house who lives reasonably near a church, and either or both of us feels the urge to ____30____, well just walk down the road and ____31____ right on it. You have no idea how ____32____ this is to two boys/men who were raised in oppressive ___33____ environments. One time we were on our way to what we were unaware would be a terribly unrewarding concert. We were running early and looking for some way to kill a few minutes when we spotted a heretofore unsullied (by us at least) church. It was still daylight, so we pulled the car around to the back, out of sight of any concerned passers by, and also to make sure there were no cars in the lot, indicating human presence within. We didnt find any cars, but what we did see would stay with us for years. You cannot imagine the feeling of being one of the lucky few to ever behold a ____34____, bare and available to all comers, in the back parking lot of a CHURCH! Now, Im not a church-goer, so maybe thats exactly the sort of thing one expects to be

occupying the back parking lot, but neither of us had ever witnessed this despite our little hobby which by this time had been ongoing for many years and had claimed many victims, so to speak. Do not make the mistake of assuming that our good fortune ended there. No. Not only was there a ____35____ left free for our enjoyment, but her twin lay in the same state next to her! One for each of us! Such a gift horse was not to be looked in the mouth, and for the first time ever, each of us ____36____ed simultaneously on something other than a church. It has crossed my mind since that day that perhaps our deeds had been discovered, and someone alerted the local clergy as to our methods, prompting one clever minister to place a sort of lighting rod on his holy grounds, that our ____37____ be spilled upon something other than his precious mother church. To this day, such an event still seems too good to have been mere happenstance.

SUBMIT
YOUR THOUGHTS, ARTICLES, THINGS OVERHEARD, SEXY TIME PHOTOS, TALES OF HILARITY, INTERNSHIP APPLICATIONS, PRAYER REQUESTS, POSTCARDS FROM EXOTIC LOCALES & OTHER GENERAL INQUIRES TO WHAT.WHITE. ELEPHANT@GMAIL. COM & YOU COULD BE FEATURED IN AN UPCOMING ISSUE... PROBABLY NOT THOUGH

A GIANT PRINT bars), and hocking our zine at every possible opportunity imaginable. The question that everyone keeps HANDJOB FOR asking us is, This magazine is great, but why ALL THE LOCAL are there no advertisements? And I had to pause to reflect for a moment... why didnt we BUSINESSES
mr.ficklebritches

The issue is late this month, and I apologize deeply for that. Sorry, were not very punctual. My perfectly reasonable excuse is, we went down to New Orleans for an impromptu vacation. If youre an avid reader of this fine publication, you might be asking yourself, But wait-- didnt you just take a vacation to New Orleans last month? Whats the dillyyo? Well you got me there, we totally did take a trip last month, and then we were treated to an impromptu trip last week via a totally insane, unpredictable, sheisty rambling alcoholic. It sounds just about as fun as youre probably thinking it was. One day he would want to party for 14 hours straight (go binge drinking and oysters) followed by him sulking & pouting to himself in his hotel room for 2 days while watching Discovery channel. The highlights were extremely high, and the lows... well, lets just say there was a day or two there where we found ourselves relying solely on the kindness of strangers for food & drink. God bless you New Orleans and your giant generous heart. So anyway, the issue is late this month, and Im still really sorry. Do you forgive us? Yeah? Square and all that? Cool. Now... do you wanna give us your money? Bear with me for a second... Hanging out in New Orleans was awesome for three reasons: the awesome individuals we know/met there (thank you Pat & Jacey, Duane, Shea & Rin, T.J. and Dick Dickerson), the environment (gorgeous scenery, never-close stores, restaurants &

advertise for local businesses to help spread & grow our zine? Once upon a time, I used to make a zine with a friend of mine that actively argued against capitalism & the monetary system. Which, naturally, the irony isnt lost upon me that were spending money buying into a system to promote & advertise against said system. A bit spinning our wheels in the mud constantly and not going anywhere. Im not against promoting local artists, bands and businesses. I can recognize the symbiotic relationship between two entities using their resources to help each other out. I dont know about you, but I wanna spread this zine as far and as wide as I possibly can. I want to work full time making something fun, humorous, thought-provoking and inspiring that everyone can benefit from each month. If all else fails, I hope we all have a good time making/reading/creating together. So how about it Midwestern City... wanna give me your money? Ill give you exposure in my zine & use 80 cents of every dollar you spend sponsoring a starving child in Africa-not really, well probably spend it on beer, after printing hundreds of zines. Speaking of which, does anyone outside of Midwestern City want to help us distribute zines throughout your city? Well send you fun art packs full of zines and buttons. Imagine, youll be the envy of all your friends. No really, theyll care this time. For inquiries email: what.white.elephant@gmail.com. Please & thank you in advance.

DEAD CAT INTERVIEW

Mr. Ficklebritches: Hello dead cat. I would like to do an interview with you. Would that be ok? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: Id like to begin with a simple question. What are your thoughts on morality, or more specially the ability to choose between the difference of right & wrong? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: I hate bad behaviors effects on planning and accomplishing, as well! But isnt there something to be said about personal obligation? A sense of decency? Empathy? Cognitive thought? Common sense? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: Its so true that people spend lots of time making justifications, excuses, and other crutches instead of laying down a solid plan with room for derivation. It IS indeed cut short due to the irresponsibility of some people. Some people... Thats why people can void themselves of fault and only worry about themselves. So, as a dead cat, how do you spend most of your days aside from playing, eating, napping and being all around cute? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: By golly, so youre saying by instinct you just roll with the punches? Dead Cat: (dead silence)

M.F.: And the training is inherent. How might I access that skill, as a human? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: Absolutely, a well-written answer to that question in the form of a book does stand a good chance at making me a lot of money. Moving on: how do you prevent from becoming meownourished? Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: That answer really doesnt make sense; its very ambivalent, not even close to being clear to me. Dead Cat: (dead silence) M.F.: The cat is now stiffened, rotting, and the interview has no more room to grow, short of me talking to myself and making this crap up.

INTERVIEWWITHADEADCAT

PORN & LOVE

Dustin Wood

A few weeks ago, I read a sentence that went something like, Ideally, Id like to find someone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship with me, to get out of this business, and settle down into a nice quiet life. It sounded nice. That sentiment couldve been from any number of dating sites geared toward more meaningful relationships rather than short term hook-ups. However, it wasnt a personals ad it was part of a larger blog entry made by an adult gay film star. My friends are an odd lot. Sometimes I think theyre reflective of my music collection. Take a look through my iPhone and youll discover someone with the most schizophrenic menagerie of musical interests youre likely to ever meet. Even my playlists are odd. Just staying in the Gs, my gym playlist contains Godsmack, Josh Groban, Garbage, Lady Gaga, David Gray, and Pat Green. My friends are like this as well. They run the full spectrum from near-bunker living right wingers to liberals so far left theyd make Francois Hollande look like a neocon. So, its no great surprise that I have a few friends that actively work in the adult film industry. The particular blog from which I draw the above line isnt from a friend, but rather a friend of a friend. And he doesnt simply do gay porn; rather, hes involved in the controversial world of bareback gay porn where performers regularly engage in high risk sex acts on film. Hes a friend of one of my adult film star buddies. Theyd posted a picture on Facebook of them out to dinner and I decided
8

to do a Google search on the fellow. I found his blog which also contained some clips of his work, but most of it was his views on life and, I must say, his writing was quite good. However, eventually I came to the relevant blog entry which contained the line referenced above. At first, I was taken back. I do know adult film stars who have had or are in relationships, but they were always of the sort where both partners are free to engage in liaisons outside the primary relationship. I suppose this would be necessary if ones partner fucks other people on film for a living. Yet, I couldnt leave this particular entry alone. It clanged on my minds ear like a badly tuned orchestra. My reaction was simply, Well, yeah, you want all that stuff maybe you should quit swapping loads with dudes on film. He went on to say how he acknowledged that he had engaged in group sex in the course of his work, but that, I dont want that in a relationship. Do I want hot sex? Yes, and lots of it. But I want to be committed to one person only and for he and I to be sexually exclusive with one another. To be in love. No three-ways, no tricks on the side when the other is out of town or if we get into a fight. Just us. Again, I was taken aback by his words. They seemed rather flippant to me. Could one really believe that a porn actor who engaged in taboo group sex on film for a living would really be interested in walking away from all of that and being sexually exclusive with one person solely from there on out? I thought it a ridiculous notion. And after a moment, I scolded myself for my insensitivity. Humans crave love. We look for it everywhere. Most of our music, even our popular music, is written concerning love in one fashion

ASOCIALCOMMENTARY;PORN&MARRIAGE

@HEARTSTOMP.org

or another the unrequited variety, the loss of it, the celebration of it, or the distrust of it. And its a dangerous thing. I think Orwell knew this better than most when he penned the novel 1984. After all, the most tyrannical of all the branches of government in his book is the Ministry of Love. As loving a species as we are, though, we also have a great capacity to denigrate other members of our kind. Adolph Hitler himself sent millions of people to the gas chambers all while loving his mistress and eventual wife, Eva Braun. My own reaction to the bareback porn star looking for monogamy was essentially no different. I like to think Im a generally thoughtful and loving person to those around me (though, my opinion on this is irrelevant its a matter upon which the estimation of others is the only metric that carries any weight) and still, I was dismissive of this persons worth as a human due to his occupation. So, far from the bareback porn star being debauched by his occupation, instead and in this instance, I was found to be the one debased due to my refusal to acknowledge the humanity of the other person. Perhaps theres a lesson here which we can take away from porn actors namely, not to give into our lower order thinking and relegate them to nothing more than talking pieces of fluid producing, moan inducing, meat. We may enjoy pornography (some of us enjoy it more than others), but the greatest threat to the normal porn-viewing person is not the pleasure derived from it, but rather to not allow themselves to dismiss the people on the screen as some vehicle which is nameless and void of humanity. These are our fellow human beings. We can no more remove them from the family of humanity than my family can strip away

my last name. We may not approve of what we do, though we still on the whole consume massive amounts of it. This puts us squarely in the territory of King Lear by Shakespear if we do so; particularly, that the officer who would put the lash to the whore has a hot need to use her for the very offense for which she is struck. By no means is this purely the dominion of the porn actor. Gays are still viewed as something other than purely human in many parts of the world and even by some here in the United States; blacks were once counted as only 3/5ths human; women are denied the ability to drive cars on their own in Saudi Arabia due to religious superstition; and Coptic Christians in Egypt are openly discriminated against. For all of our loving nature, we seem fixated upon killing or reducing all of the others around us. Perhaps if we took a little more time away from the television and actually got to know a porn actor, a gay man, a lesbian, a Christian, or a member of a racial minority, we might begin to understand that the number of issues which divide us are infinitesimal compared to those concerns which we have in common. Then again, this would leave less time for watching porn and masturbation.

question
of the month

Double Standard?
Is it possible to work in the sex industry, and yet have a stable committed relationship? 1) Yes 2) No 3) Maybe

cast your vote

SWANNS BLANKS
Josh Motte

To be a part of the golden-brown bits of societys upper crust in Springfield, Missouri, there was really only one requirement: You had to be a member of the Hideaway Hills Country Club, if not someplace like it. The club had a tacit credo. The current article of faith was that one thirty-four-year-old member, the governor of Missourisupported that year by all the governors wifes friends who were members of the Junior League of Springfieldmight very well be a Reagan-like genius for the twentyfirst century. It shouldnt be allowed to give speeches as good as Reagans! squealed one or two of the matronly types who actually remembered Reagan. Their daughters, perky thirty-something Junior Leaguers, barely listened. They had no need of further indoctrination; they were the governors Greene County peers, and several of them had gone to Greenwood Academy with him before he dropped out sophomore year to finish out at Glendale High. (A public-school diploma was necessary for a future elected official in southern Missouri, which is what the young Andrew Fledgling dreamed of even at age sixteen.) Josh Field was a connoisseur of the elite mindset, frequently creating a Proustian inner monologue to describe even the most ordinary worky-schmoozer, but he could never be properly goldenbrowned because he was part of the mainstream media. As in the rest of the world, southwestern Missouri bigwigs regarded the media, once gadflies, as a class of nosy terriers who sometimes managed to be useful in promoting stuff. Furthermore, the lot of themeven their so-called executives, moguls and sales directorshad tiny pocketbooks. Josh

certainly could not have afforded even the monthly maintenance fee for social privileges at Hideaway Hills, much less a full membership. Yet here he was on a sunny Friday night early in June, driving far east of town on a shady, curving road that he thought was called Cherry Street. At this point, far outside of the city limits, it was actually designated Farm Road 113. On the right was Hideaway Hills, with its long, curving driveway. The gates were open. Near the parking lot, a pair of efficient, matronly women guarded the entrance with guest lists. Im part of the Harry James group, Josh said when he pulled up near them. At least Im told Harry James invited us. The women looked their clipboards up and down, furrowing their brows. Zero other people driving little silver 2002 Tauruses had arrived at Hideaway Hills for the evenings festivities. The women exchanged glances for a moment, whereupon the more senior-looking doorwardess pretended to cross a name off her list, saying, Ah yes, there you are welcome. And Josh was inside.

AT YOUR LATEST CONVENIENCE

Andariel Bond

That friend. That one friend. I am pretty sure that everyone has one of these. The moocher. The leech. The cling-on, dare I say. When you need them they are as far from you as possible. When they need you though, now thats a whole different story. These friendships normally start out as a regular, typical friendship. You would never suspect this person of being the leech of your life. Then you find out. Then you learn from your mistakes.

At the fresh age of 17, I got my drivers license, after hours of driving in a lone parking lot and empty streets. My dad was the one to teach me, and in my opinion he did an amazing job. I would go over to his house every weekend, where he would allow me to steal the car for the night. Oh! How cool I felt. Here I was, I had just gotten my license, behind the wheel of a first class kind of vehicle, the now mine, 1992 Honda Civic. This car, I must say, is pimp. Wind blowing in my hair, I had it all. Anytime I had this car with me, I would go everywhere. I could waste half a tank like nobodys business. At some point, I would end up picking up a friend, only one, because, as a first time driver, I could only have ONE other person in the car. I was not about to be a rule breaker. I had a friend;, whos name I shall not say, whom I frequently picked up. We would go out, in my car, and just drive. We were best friends. As much as it kills me, I must have that carefully placed were. As the good friend I was, we would hang out. We would take my car to the lake, to the mall, hell we even took our occasional trips to Wal-Mart, you know, where the cool kids hang. We felt like we were THE cool kids. Now this friend of mine, she was the best. We talked about everything; Boys, girls, art, work, life. She was great. She had been my best friend for the last couple years. We always had a great time together, until one day, she asked me to take her to work. Now this would not have been so bad if I hadnt lived probably 20 minutes away from her. Yeah! Sure, Ill give you a ride. So there I go, driving my cool little car all the way to her place. I dropped her off at work. I did this a couple times before I started asking her to hang out before I dropped her off. Really

though, she just wanted to sleep. This was understandable at the time, as we had just graduated high school. Thats all I did for the first few months as well. Hey, you want to hang out on Tuesday? I had asked her. yeah, sre! Wat time? was her annoyingly, incorrect text back. 12 sound okay?, sound gr8. I got back. Okay, so this might sound like an overstatement, but I was so excited to hang out with her. I mean come on, she was my best friend and I was bored out of my life, graduation money practically burning my pants off my body. I arrived at her house at 11:45, give or take a few minutes, which in my mind, is really just, casually early. This was not a first for this. I texted her Hey, Im here, a bit earlier, sorry. As I waited all by my lonesome in her gravel driveway. I waited, and waited, and waited just a bit longer. hayyyyy, can u com by at 2? i wanna sleep in Of course, I acted like I understood. So, instead I went and hung out with my dad at his office. 2 hours go by and I am driving right back over. She was not home. I left. My phone, buried at the bottom of my purse was ringing off the hook. Of course, I ignored her. Finally, after a good year of being stood up, wasting endless amounts of gas and being ignored, I was done. After a long term friendship it is truly unfortunate to find out what you really are to a person. In the end I suppose you know who your friends are. The ones that dont just call when they need a ride. The ones that will stick with you even when they dont have to.

Please dont call back at your latest convenience.

DUOOFSHORTSTORIES

11

THE ILLUSORY PA TH
Presley Grundlebash
For the longest time, under the impression that things couldnt possibly get any better than they already were, and with a naive notion of forever subconsciously rooted deep within, he wandered blindfolded dragging the bulk of two beings. The blindfold was just as helpful throughout its use as it was once it was removed. It helped him move onward down the path with inner focus on only that which was positive, while simultaneously shielding him from all of the hideous creatures that lay right before him. Until one fateful day when one of the creatures was intelligent enough to understand the man was unable to see and tore the blindfold from his face in an unexpected violent rampage. Harshly exposed to the reality of his current state of existence, the man was now lost at the crossroads of infinite possibility. And though he felt lost, he knew the next step was going to be on an entirely new path altogether. As he stood in the flux unsure of which foot to put in front of the other first, he realized that since he now had the ability to see, he could turn around and look back at the path on which he had previously traveled. The man, envisioning all of the grotesque entities that were once hidden from his sight, was instantly overcome with pure terror that he felt hed never be able to escape. And when he turned back around in horror, he took off running not knowing which path he had ended up on; but just as instantly as he realized he hadnt chosen one, all of the paths bended and folded together, including the one he had already traveled, combining to make one direct path. This was his own path, just for himself. He realized now that the flux he

had encountered before was an illusion brought on by the separation of two beings. He had always been on the same path and he always will be. Only now his blindfold had been removed and he could see just how unexpectedly the path can change. Though all the man wanted to do was move onward, he couldnt help overhearing faint lingering whispers of the distant sobs from the other being he had severed his journey with; so he turned around once again only to see that the other being hadnt yet set off to find his own path. The other man just stood there with the great stretch of road between them, separating them by place and time, as the fog of confusion began to distort the features of his face and erase the tones of his voice. Noticing this, he felt as if it were his obligation to help the other man find his way to his own path, but no matter how much closer he tried to get, the other man was just further away and being swallowed by more and more fog; until thats all there was. Once the realization that there was no hope for what he had intended to help the other man with sunk in, he was surprised to find that he felt solace still somehow after dealing with all of the uncertainty. So the man turned back around to leave behind the thickening fog only to be instantaneously blinded by innumerable rays of light gleaming from ahead. The light got increasingly brighter and more intense as he traveled further; and his journey became equally more intriguing and terrifying with every step that he took towards the never ending luminescent paradox.

lexicon
starter finger noun---The initial explorer on a virginal anal expedition.
USAGE: He says he isnt gay,

but he went crazy when I gave him the starter finger.

12

SUBCONSCIOUSILLUMINATIONS

For the speed issue of What White Elephant -our first issue- I wrote an article entitled Thats why they call me speed racer. Its an overview, nutshell explanation/ look into my past and upbringing. To say the least I grew up rough. Who didnt, right? Whym I so special? Im not, I just have an opportunity to exploit my tales of unfortunate events for viewer entertainment. For personal reasons Im going to change all the names of the people who were part of this so not to incriminate anyone.

TALES OF WOE
Bernardo Gonzalo
up. I have no idea how old I was, but I remember most of everything about it. The factors that lead to the separation were things that were my moms fault. She can blame it on the fact that my dad wasnt around, but that was because he was providing for us. While he would be on the road for work she would sleep around on him. I heard tons of stories from family members of things she used to do when I was too young to remember. Things like leaving my dad for his best friend at the time. She took me and my sister with her and wouldnt let him see us. My dad still to this day tells me the same story of how he coincidentally pulled up to the gas station where my mom and her new lover were, and he was able to touch my hair through the open wing of his friends truck. My mom had left me and my sister sitting in the running truck, without car seats, while they went and bought booze. My mom was friends with a lady named Matty. They met because Matty and her 3 sons lived in the same apartment complex as us. Mattys sons were -from oldest to youngest- Troy, Payton, and Byron. Troy wasnt around much, being the oldest he had moved out of his moms house, though he crashed on her couch from time to time when he had too much to drink the night before. Byron and Payton were always around though, and within no time Byron started dating my sister Casey. They were only about 15 or so at the time. Payton was just barely a year or so older than Byron. Soon after becoming comfortable with this new found friend, my mom started sleeping with Payton, and not long after that my dad found out. My mom always did a really bad job hiding things like that, but it wasnt an accident. Knowing my mother, she probably assumed my dad was so stupid and nave that he wouldnt

My dad was a truck driver, and my mom stayed home with us kids. My dad had three kids when he married my mom, my oldest three siblings: Casey, Jon, and Kevin. Their mom died when they were just young kids, and my mom stepped onto the scene shortly after. Thats when my youngest sister Chelsea and I were born. When Chelsea was born, my mom claimed that it was a miracle, She remembers everything about it, the song that was playing, the fact that they both almost died while my mom was giving birth. I hear thats a lie, and considering the source, I believe it. She always claimed her tubes were tied when I was born, obviously not though. Thats all I know about my birth. I was a naturally birthed on accident. Im cool with that. The only thing I remember before the upcoming events, was a family photo shoot my parents, my siblings and I did at our old house. Thats when we actually resembled a family. Everything else is just a blur, I dont know if its because of my age at the time, or because all the bad overcasts all the good I remember. The next thing I remember was a time when 80s hair was still fading out of existence. Things were normal. We were a family, The turning point in all of that was my parents split

- The beginning -

realize that a teenage boy was sneaking in and out of the kitchen window immediately after my dad would walk out the door for work. With everyone denying it, including me and my siblings, my dad couldnt prove it, and my mom was able to make my dad the bad guy for accusing her. We all covered for her because we feared her, and in retrospect, I know that a lot of the love the felt for her was more loyalty as a result of fear. All my dad Doug could think to do was move all of us to his home town of Dixie. He knew if he packed us up and moved us there he could keep and eye on my mom through the people he knew there. Everyone knew everyones business there, so there was no where she could hide. Dixie is the personification of small town. It is so small that stop lights and school buses werent relevant and tractors could drive on the main roads. There are only 8 streets in the whole town portion of the city: 1st through 8th street. Its more of a place where people would go to die. Ive heard a lot of people complaining about the town Im from, Midwestern City, and how theres nothing to do there. To an extent, I have agreed with that statement, but there was no comparison. The place to go for fun in town is a bowling alley, or the only bar/restaurant the town had to offer, Otherwise you are on your own for fun, which is code for drinking. I remember my dad packing up his Blazer with all of our stuff, At the time all I was concerned about was my brand new bike I just got for my birthday that had just passed. When we got everything packed I remember my dad cramming us all into the truck and leaving. After driving for just a little while, We we stopped next to a dumpster, which I still to this day remember exactly where it was, and pass it frequently. My dad said there was no way we could drive on the highway with all this stuff

piled on us. We would be in the car for a few hours traveling to our new home town. The only thing they threw out was that new bike, with that out of there the problem of space was solved for the most part. I still remember being absolutely miserable on that drive though. My legs had become buried by all our junk. I dont remember arriving at our hotel room in the Dixie, and I vaguely remember the few days we were there; Just a few minor events where my parents were hanging out and having a good time with some of my dads old friends, and playing video games with my brother Kevin. What I do remember is the last day I had spent in Dixie. Its kind of strange to think about what all I do remember about that day. My dad was out on the road again working, and my mom was at the hotel with all of us kids. I remember my mom making dinner, and sneaking off from time to time, now I know she was sneaking off to pack up our things. She was acting very strange that day, more upbeat than her usual pissy, fuck everyone attitude. She was making spaghetti. From there all I remember is her telling my older siblings something about staying in the room, that we would be right back. Which probably seemed really strange considering we were just gonna be gone for a few minutes, with all out luggage in hand. When I stepped outside with my mom and Chelsea; Matty and Payton were waiting outside with the car running to sweep us away. After packing our things into the trunk, my mom put me and my sister in the car, and before she hopped in the car, she took a brief moment to turn away, thrust her wedding ring off her hand, and toss it into the gravel parking lot of the hotel. I knew exactly where we were going... Straight back to Midwestern City.

14

TALESOFWOE(CONTINUED)

AGAPE
Peanut Scholar

As I read through old journal entries, I recognize that reoccuring theme that had arisen during different parts of my life, and still have yet to be resolved. Things like exercising and smoking; and loving people for the sake of all that is good. Yeah, yeah, its taking this long to get around to that last one. Ive always loved people in order to get my own end of things, but I still dont get why certain people didnt kill in the past. My favorite part of history, well, the one Im becoming ever more versed in, is the Civil Rights movement of the USA 1960s. I start out reading Malcolm Xs autobiography, and I think, yeah Malc, I feel you, you should tear those white devils up. MLK has no idea what the hell he is talking about, love, agape and We Shall Overcome. Malcs cause had every reason to get the heads rolling, but there was another brand of chasing those rights that the black man of the mid 20th century so dearly wanted, whether he knew it or not (and Im sure he knew it). Martin Luther King Jr. was from the burgeosie of the southern black culture, if there was such a thing (absolutely). He was very educated, never went to a state penitentiary, never hustled in the ghetto. Through all of his education, he floated around until he landed on his brand of agape, his nonviolent creed of killing em with kindness

and loving them to death. What a nave buffoon, dont you see the things they are doing? Except Except, wait for something. This is it. Weve gone through all of our history, people fighting and striving and arguing and building up just so another generation can come by and tear it down or give it to someone else for nickels on the dollar or neglect on the once vast militaristic unification, people have been spending a lot of time learning and living and creating lessons, and its almost like they did it just for us. Our world has the privilege of reforming the lives of vast quantities of people without needing to destroy families in order to get the compliance of whoever is left alive by the end of it. With that privilege, does come the responsibility? Do these questions of whats important and why does it matter that plague me even have an answer complicated enough or simple enough to be put into words whenever I have the face of human history to look at me and say, really? Dont hurt yourself thinking about it, the answer is right here Times have changed and people should know better by now. There is no need for someone to form an answer, and it doesnt take an ounce of critical thinking ability that you dont have (you can think critically enough for this one). Theres no answer to the question of placing importance that needs be longer than everyone, and theres no answer to the question of why (and this is the important one) that needs be more complicated than because

we have the technology, or for a different flavor because we know better than to think otherwise. That agape, thats what endures, long after Im gone. Even Malcolm X converted out of his strain of a cult into orthodox Islam and learned that all his brothers can be whatever color they wanted (or were born into) and preached it: Since I learned the truth in Mecca, my dearest friends have come to include all kinds some Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hidus, agnostics, and even atheists! I have friends who are called Capitalists, Socialists and Communists! Some of my friends are moderates, conservatives, extremists some are even Uncle Toms! My friends today are black, brown, red, yellow and white! I can continue to hate, or develop a hate, or break towards the hate in an effort to revise this everlasting sense of complacency, but I know its to no avail, just because I know something about history. Maybe it has its survival reasons for existing, but thats not where my life is, and thats not how I need to react to anything. I know that a certain kind of love and a lot of understanding is the lesson to take from history. Its the world that people even used violence to try to achieve (even if nobody has known it was possible until now). I learn more about the sociological perspectives of our country and of our world, and I cant even begin to provide something constructive whenever it comes to the community that I know best, just because this whole school of
16 FORYOURCONSIDERATION

thought is so lucrative and ever changing. I sometimes find solace in more definite pieces of life like math, some non-social sciences, even pieces of language that have been ran through the development and school and learning and teaching machines over and over to the point that it doesnt even take a real teacher to portray these ideas; its all been done before. Im not going to further any of these schools of thought. Im not going to be working for NASA before my time is up. Pursuing something so indefinite as the problems of people living with people is the most overwhelming, full of dead ends, most amazingly unanswerable problem that life has ever presented to anyone, ever. Its all stupid, until I remember that nobody has ever had a picture available that makes the whole of human history so clear. Thats the why in why we care. We know better, or we ignore it all. Please, consider science, consider history; a deep thought over a simple understanding. Agape.

a blank page...

THE CONSEQUENCE OF NOT MEETING A DEADLINE

START A LIST
Slain Brain

I have an extremely (adjective) friend that makes me feel very (emotion). About (number) (measurement of time) ago, he suggested taking a road trip to (place). This was really (feeling), especially considering I love taking random road trips.
Mr.Ficklebritches told me the theme this month is Fill in the blank. I know he is a dirty motherfucking rotten liar. The editors previously mentioned that, Freedom! was the theme, and then they switched it to America the Televised. Its kind of hard to write an article when your dickmouth editors keep switching the fucking theme on you. So when I get the latest email, that the theme had been switched to a free-for-all theme, emphasizing the fill in the blank shtick, I raised concern and confusion, only to be answered with the mad-libs example above. Fuck you Frank Ficklebritches! Ive already written 2 other articles that now make no fucking sense whatsoever, and I refuse to go through and randomly subtract nouns, verbs, adjectives, prepositional phrases, body parts, metaphors and other grammar and syntax nonsense just to play along with your last ditch theme effort attempt.
18 CONFESSIONALBOOTH

I mean, what the fuck? Like I needed more stress & work in my life. So here is my fucking article. Im going to say fuck at least 20 fucking times (ed side note; 17 by my count), and Im going to do nothing but shit talk you and your stupid ideas the whole time. Did yall know that next month was supposed to be another comic book addition? Yeah, you probably didnt because the chickenshit, idiot fucking editors are probably going to sit on their hands & change the theme at the last minute. So in recap: Fuck your indecisiveness. Fuck your giving me more work at the last fucking minute possible. Fuck you trying to get me to do marketing for you online. Fuck your incontinence... Mr. Ficklebritches! Youre pissing all over the floor.

Lets see that motherfucker not keep me in the motherfucking loop again. I also want a giant picture depicting a giant hand, jacking off the puniest cock ever cause thats what I think of your editorial staffs efforts this month... fucking jack-offs!

(picture redacted to save ink)

Im not going to play second banana No, I dont want to have a great day. fiddle to some baby. Have some naked girl, pole dancing This guy... at work... kind of smells like playing from the neck of your guitar. that would be totally stupid, but totally fishy pussy. cool. Shes real artsy and creative-- too bad Do you like knock-knock jokes and shes a total cunt. beer? I do. I love knock-knock jokes and Ohhh I see your middle name is Ken- beer. tucky, were you born in Kentucky? No She got broke to go to the bathroom. I was born in the K.F.C. parking lot. You shouldve been a NASA scientist. How are we gonna rebuild this thing? Shit, I dont know. I AM! I think Ive adequately described the In case she asks, lets pretend I was laws of space & time with mathematics. calling you mentally retarded. It works... It worked. Im getting stoned. Would you let me talk about Western Philosophy now please?

Life is about suffering, huh? Thanks for Your face is getting bigger. It is. You have a huge face. the heads up, Dad! Roll me a joint & shut the fuck up.

You should hear my Estelle Getty impersonation when I get my pocket vagina Did I say that? I was drunk! You cant back. hold anything I say against me! Hey buddy! Dont start arbitrarily adding You definitely dont have to worry about half inches! I can eyeball a cock from across the room. grad school during Armageddon. Now maybe random strangers will stop If youre the future of our country... coming by & asking me for directions were fucking doomed. to Walmart. Youre really good at throwing things Guuuuuurl... we had a lock-in & saved out of my car. some souls. I was a very good Libra tonight. You know what would make college Oh! I just kicked you in the face. Sorry basketball more exciting? Knives. stupid-- Get your head out of my way. Is there any water left in the ocean after a tsunami hits? Youre pretty... THINGSOVERHEARD 19

27

OVERHEARD

THINGS

THEMADLIBISSUE WHAT

(color)

ELEPHANT Oh

(adjective)

streetwalker, shall
(adjective)

you ride your the way to

horse all

(place)

, and cover up

GUEST LIST
EDITORIAL
(offensive slang)

thine little sweater-puppies?

Write me a (genre) and (verb) (medium) my (noun) (preposition) the town and bars.

Sergeant Heartstomp - BIG DUMMY Madame Super Duper - TROUBADOUR Killer Jack Attack - THUNDER CUNT - TRYING HARD EVERY DAY (name) Butchcatmouth - SAILOR MOUTH
(obscenity)

YETI DETECTIVE

ANDARIEL BOND

WRITING STAFF
YETI DETECTIVE JOSH MOTTE DUSTIN WOOD MR.FICKLEBRITCHES

ANDARIEL BOND

JOSH MOTTE

DUSTIN WOOD

JEN WILL TELL ME BERNARDO GONZALO PRESLEY GRUNDLEBASH PEANUT SCHOLAR SLAIN BRAIN

COMING NEXT MONTH...

SLAIN BRAIN
PRESLEY GRUNDLEBASH

AUGUST EQUALS HATE SUBMIT YOUR ARTICLES POEMS, OR WHATEVER & YOULL BE FEATURED IN NEXT MONTHS ISSUE ...PROBABLY NOT THOUGH

BIGOTRYINDUSTRIES2012