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We Dont Wanna Drew Adams February 25, 2012 (Version 3) Cast Cipriani- 30s Adrian- 20s Bollock- late 40s Crooked Cop- overweight 30s

(A casino, roulette table, next to a bar.) Adrian (hands money to the dealer) Three hundred bucks in chips.. uh.. give it to me in fifties... Cipriani (like a mobster, Italian stereo type.) Hey man you got it.. Adrian (fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips) Ok.... hmmm.. uh.. Cipriani Only outside bets.. Adrian (fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips) Right, right... only outside bets.. lets see um nope nope not red... Cipriani (a little annoyed with Adrian) Oy... Adrian (putting all of his chips on red.) Okay... right there.

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Cipriani (sticks the thingy that stops people from grabbing at chips down on the table.) Ok, good good last call...last call

Adrian (starts to reach over at his chips.) Cipriani (Sprays Adrian with water from a spray bottle) No.. no..bad dog sit... Adrian (slumps in his stool) Cipriani (Roulette wheel stops spinning lands on red) Adrian (Does a dorky little victory dance) Yes! Woo! Yeah oh yea! OH YEA!!! YEA!! RED!! YEA!! CHEDDA!!! (Reaches out to get his chips) Cipriani (Quickly takes the chips away, and deposits them.) Adrian What the hell what are you doing. Cipriani My job. Adrian What the hell are you talking about? Arent you going to pay me? Cipriani We dont wanna. Adrian (imitating Cipriani) You dont wanna? Cipriani We donta havta and we dont wanna.

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Adrian But I won right. Cipriani Well sure technically, but you donta posses that... you know that winnin quality.. Adrian Wha...What what are you talking about? Where is my money?

Cipriani (Expressive Italian gestures.) You know you aint got that special badabing, you haven't got that badabing. Adrian (Angrily.) What the hell is the badabing!? Huh what are you even... you owe me three hundred dollars! Cirpiani (Angrily in Itallian) Ehi, non hai che budda bing non posso fare nulla. Adrian I dont speak Italian... Cirpriani Maybe if you did, you might have that badda bing.. Adrian Ok ok ok, lets take this slow... Cipriani Okay funny boy.....ok come on I dare yous you call me slow one more time! I punch you in the head okay... Adrian Oh yea... okay lets just take this from the top... lets explain this to your nimble little mind so you know exactly what is wrong here I put down exactly 300 dollars on red... Cipriani Okay. Adrian Then it came up Red.

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Cipriani Yep. Yea Red. Adrian Now you should pay six hundred dollars. Cipriani We dont wanna. You aint got the badda bing! Adrian What are you on drugs... Cipriani Hey Bollock. Bollock (an old Brooklyn type eating a meatball sub) Yea. Cipriani This guy aint got the badda bing! Bollock (Spews crums everywhere from his meatball sub) Hahaha! Adrian Is there like a manager... I can talk to.. Cipriani What-day-ya think this is some kind of a chuckie cheese... Adrian You dont have a manager. Cipriani I mean you can talk to the pit boss okay. I mean hes. Adrian Okay let me talk to the pit boss. Cipriani

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Hey Bollock Bollock (Sitting at the bar, coughing) Cipriani The guy without the badda bing.he wanna talks to you. Bollock (slowly walks over to the roulette table) Whatsda matta? Huh... Adrian What kind of a casino are you running here that doesnt pay out... when somone wins? Bollock A very profitable one. Adrian God damn it.. Cipriani Hey man what you gotta against god? Bollock What is god not good enough for you.. Do you always get mad at god just cussa you aint got that baddah bing? Adrian What no! Im a good upstanding Christian like everyone else. Cipriani So what, you just come out here to this casino and, bump through the crowd of rich oil barons, and hookers, argue with mobsters.. cuz you are just a great kind of a person... someone give this guy a nobel peace prize.. Adrian Well no I have a wife and a kid... Cipriani Oh really im sorry...

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Adrian So youll give me my winnings. Cipriani Naw Im sorry that your somebodys dad.. Bollock (Begins laughing then coughing and hacking.) Adrian Look I dont get to go out much! I didnt come out here to spend my hard earned money. And win! Just to be stopped by some crazy technicality... dreamed up by some dim witted, over fed, stupid, crappy, hopeless, Italian sterotypes!

Bollock/Cipriani (Begin to raise their fists at Adrian)

Crooked Cop (amateurish Clint Eastwoord Dirty Hairyimpression said through his teeth as he chews on a toothpick) Everything all right here fellas. (eagle SFX, Generic Western Instrumental begins to play.) Adrian Officer thank goodness! These men are crooks! Crooked Cop (pointing to Cipriani, and Bollock) These men right here? (Sarcastically) No kidding these guys. Crooks no way. Adrian They wont pay up and I want my money..

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(goes over to Adrian and puts his index finger on Adrians lips) Shh shh shh.. (Pause for silence Eagle sound effect and, western instrumental begin again, for an awkward amount of time until.) Cipriani Yea but he aint got no baddabing. Bollock Yea no baddabing. Crooked Cop Are you guys with the guy. Adrian (breaks free of Crooked cops hand) What are you talkin.. Crooked Cop (Interrupts him and puts his hand over Adrians mouth.) The guy with the zoot! Cipriani You mean big Zoot, with the hat? Crooked Cop Naw his buddy with the nose. Bollock What nose are we talkin here. Adrian (breaking free of the cop.) Okay that does it will everyone please stop speaking gibberish? Look Im out 300 dollars, even though I bet on red it came up red and they wont pay. I declare that these two gentlemen are crooks! Cipriani Oh yeah, yeah, Zoot we know Zoot.

Crooked Cop

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Crooked Cop Hes late on his you know. (Rubs his fingers together.) Bollock Hes late. Crooked Cop Are you sure you understand? Bollock What his wife is pregnant? Cipriani No you idiot hes late on his bribe. Bollock Well tell the whole world why dont you? What the hell is wrong with you Cipriani what about Omerta? Cipriani Naw I dont like her, she drove a buddy of mine crazy. Bollock Not Roberta, Omerta you idiot. The Mafioso code of silence. Cipriani Oh right. Adrian Look I dont want to interrupt this little. Whatever this is.. Officer, these men owe me three hundred dollars, it came up red, and they refuse to pay. Crooked Cop (While leaning over to intimidate Adrian, and receiving a bribe from Bollock in between his moobs.) I guess you gotta get that baddabing. (Slowly Saunters away.) Adrian Dont think I didnt see that.

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Cipriani See what? Adrian I saw you, you stuck money right into that cops tits. Cipriani Are you calling me stupid. I dont bribe cops. Adrian Then what did you just do? Cipriani I paid him for his services he was a male dancer... I Crooked Cop (reenters the scene and gives Adrian a fully clothed Tired little dance to suitable music. Then goes over and sits by the bar.) Bollock Look Cipriani... Um, this guy he got us in a bit of a situation here. I dont think anyone would pay to see that guy dance... Cipriani (Dealing 300 dollars in chips to Adrian) Okay right okay you play again.. We find you the badda bing ok, here I lend you my badda bing. we give you double or nothing..but you have to play again, and we pay you in Itallian currency okay..

Adrian Well... okay. (places his chips on red.) Cipriani Okay here we go. (Roulette wheel stops) Bollock

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Its Red! Adrian Alright! Bollock (Begins handing Adrian Boxes, of DVDs) Adrian What are these? Bollock Italian currency. Adrian These are bootleg DVDs, of Justin Biebers movie. Cipriani Yes its been a tough year for Italy. We have to go back to a DVD based economy, we used to trade Prince live in concert on blue ray! But at least now you definitely got that badda bing! Adrian But.. but.. but Bollock Yea, you a good man.. now lotsa badda bing! Adrian (heavy breath) Ok... thanks.. thanks for nothing.. Bollock That guys got some badda bing! Adrian (While Googling Italian currency on his phone.) What exactly is baddbing huh what makes me so special damn it? I think you dont wanna pay me, I am not stupid okay. I know for a fact that Italian Currency is not bootleg DVDs, its a.. uh.. the Euro.

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Bollock Maybe for the continent, but hey times are tough. Adrian (Showing Bullock his phone) No, Italy does transactions in the Euro, it says so on the internet see. Cipriani How do you know eh? Are you an Italian? Adrian Well no I... Bollock I for one am offended that you would suggest, that I a mild Italian gentleman, would be accused of giving out false currency, and from someone with the baddabing. What you dont trust actual Itallians, you gotta get your information off the internet? From strangers. Huh? I thought we were pals, I cant believe we give you the baddabing. Cipriani Right Bollock I forgot. Hey Mr.Baddabing, here is your hat. (Hands Adrian a hat)

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Adrian What is this? Bollock You telling me you dont know? Adrian I dont get it. Cipriani Its your hat, its what you get for the baddabing.

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Adrian This is a hat from Cher live in concert. Bollock Well what we give you a little Wayne hat? And you get more street cred? Is that what you want fifty cent? What if you out with your grandma? Huh? Cipriani Yeah now everybody, know that you got the Baddabing, and you aint gotta offend nobody. Adrian You morons, how are people going to know that I have the badda bing huh? Watch. Hey officer. (Puts on the hat, and waves to the Officer) Crooked Cop Hey niice baddabing! Adrian You know what no he doesnt count you bribed him. Cipriani I already told you we payed him for dancing services. Bollock Thats right you want another dance? Adrian GOOD LORD NO!! Bollock To bad. Adrian Look I have a Baddabing whatever that is.. the hat and the DVDs and all of its completely worthless, you really are running a chucky cheese. You mindless vagrants you!

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Cipriani So what we give you all this stuff, and you are ungrateful. You dont want it. You know what you give us that stuff back. You dont deserve, Im also takin a back your Baddabing. Adrian No, you cant take back my baddabing, because there is no such thing as a baddabing. Bollock I dont get you first you wanna the baddabing, then you dont huh you wanna make money gambling or what? Adrian Well yeah. Of course I want to make money gambling. I want to get paid. You know money. Cash. Real currency okay. So why dont you pay me what I am owed. Cipriani We dont wanna. Adrian But Ive got the baddabing. (Pointing to the hat.) Cipriani Yea but we already spent the money. Bollock Thats right we spent your baddabing money on the shrimp. Adrian What are you talking about? Cipriani The shrimp. You know the little critters we slice the heads off eat there bottoms huh. Adrian How did my money get in your shrimp. Bollock We donta put the money in shrimp nobody wanna eat shrimp with-a fivedoller bill in it, think of the health code violations, combining

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money, and food like that. We spend-your-money on shrimp, pay attention. Cipriani Yah do-you know how expensive shrimp is these days? Adrian Cant say that I do. Cipriani Okay lets say you run a shrimping business. Okay first you gotta buy the fuel. Adrian I thought I was running a shrimping business. Corrupt Cop Dont you know anything punk, you cant do any kinda industry without fuel. Bollock Yeah mr. Shrimpin boat captain, how you gonna drive your fishing vessel without fuel. Adrian Im not a shrimping boat Captain and this isnt a casino, its a chucky cheese. Corrupt Cop Hey shaddup, you may just learn something.

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Cipriani Thas right you listen to our dancer. Corrupt Cop (Shoots Cipriani a dirty look) Bollock

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So you get da fuel, to run da ship, right. Then you gotta get the dock. Adrian Why are you talking to me about shrimping? I dont care. Bollock Im telling you where we spend your money. Corrupt Cop Yeah shut up yer gonna learn somethin. Adrian Okay fine. So I get the money for the dock and the fuel.. Cipriani Then you.. Adrian Go shrimping? Bollock Naw, I cant believe we give you the baddabing, and you still so very thick. You gotta buy the nets, and traps first. It isnt cheap. Corrupt Cop Dont forget Insurance. You need the insurance. Cipriani But some guys they no get the insurance, they say eh, to exspensive insurance, then bam oil spill! Then shrimp everywhere they die, or they no good, and you have to wait for the next generation of shrimp, but they not as good as the first shrimp, and they are twice as exspensive, and they always complaining, and occupying wall street... Bollock So naturally prices go up. 300 dollars a pound, for shrimp. Adrian Thats ridiculous, why would you do business with them. Why would you buy shrimp for that much?

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Bollock You gotta have pretty big baddabing, to own a shrimping company with no insurance. Cipriani Thats right, at this Casino we only do the business, with guys with tha baddabing. Corrupt Cop Exactly. Adrian I am done with this I am sending a report directly to the gaming commission, you owe me 600 dollars. Cipriani (puts a shrimp cocktail, down on the table) There you go. Just for you mister baddabing. (End Scene)

(Lights Out)

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