REVISING BUSINESS MESSAGES

NADEEM AHMED
Assistant Professor
Mohammad Ali Jinnah University,
Karachi.
1

The Writing Process

Revising

Improving content and

sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.

Proofreading

Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics

Memo Revised for Conciseness

Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby
expressions.
Instead of this
Try this
We are of the opinion that
In addition to the above

We think
Please
Also

At this point in time

Now

Despite the fact that

Although

Please feel free to

Limit Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this

Try this

This memo is to inform

you that all employees
meet today.

All employees
meet today.

I am writing this letter

to say thanks to
everyone who voted.

Thanks to
everyone who
voted.
6

Drop Unnecessary Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this

Try this

There is only one

employee who should
be promoted.

Only one employee

should be promoted.

It was Lisa and Jeff

who were honored.

Lisa and Jeff were

honored.
7

Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby

expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that there is a
new health benefit plan
available for employees.

A new health
benefit plan is
available for
employees.

opportunity to inform
everyone that in all
probability we expect to
win the contract.

win the contract.

Quick
We probably will
I would like to take thisCheck

Revise the following sentences to achieve

conciseness.
In addition to the above,
there are two contracts
that are attached hereto.

Two contracts are

also attached.

the company intranet,

please feel free to call
whenever necessary.

on the company
intranet, please call
whenever necessary.

Quick
Despite the fact that most Although most
Check
information is posted
information is posted on
9

Remove Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome

necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger

10

Remove Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

11

Dump Trite Expressions

Trite and Outdated

Modern

as per your request

attached hereto

at your request
at your request
attached

under separate cover

separately

pursuant to your request

12

Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Computer Jargon
queue
export
bandwidth

Alternative
list of documents
waiting to be printed
transfer data from one
program to another
Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?

13

Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to bag on

to tease, to nag, or to
complain

clueless
turkey
chill/chill out

unaware, nave
someone stupid or silly
relax

14

Slang
That restaurant was a real barf-out.
(a displeasing place).
I met many amigos at Lever
Brothers. (friends).
"Help! We're completely out of
ammunition!" (toilet paper)
"I was hoping to get my homework
completed, but it's no biggie. " (sth
important)
"I made a booboo on the last
question of the exam." (a mistake)
"I'm completely bushed."
(completely tired)
"Why are you wearing such cheesy
clothes?" (cheap; outmoded)
Pantene is totally cool!" (excellent;
superb )

"I've had enough of your crap." (lies)

"If you keep acting so dorky, you'll
never get a girlfriend!" (strange;
peculiar)
"That's really cool, dude!" (male)
"Dave gave a dynamite
presentation." (powerful; excellent)
"Bill Gates is kind of a geek."
(someone who works too hard, is more
intelligent than usual, and is slightly
unattractive )

"There must be a glitch in this

softwware." (flaw)
"This project is causing me to go
bananas!" (go slightly mad)
"It took a lot of guts to ask his boss
for a raise." (courage)
"I paid $10,000 for 15
my computer.
What a rip off!" (fraud)

Clichs
Avoid clichs (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this

Try this

Last but not least, you Finally, you should

should keep your nose work diligently.
to the grindstone.
We had reached the
end of our rope.

We could go no
further.
16

Clichs
above board - honest
across the board - all or everything
sweep the board - win everything
amateur - non-professional or unpaid
apple of his eye/apple of your
eye/apple of my eye - a person
much adored or doted on
apple-pie bed - practical joke
(don't) throw the baby out with the
bath water - lose a good opportunity
as part of a bigger clear-out

save your bacon - to save from

injury or loss (material, reputation,
etc)
my bad/it's my bad - "It's my
fault/mistake"
battle of the bulge - diet/lose weight
get out of the wrong side of the
bed - be in a bad mood
bedlam - chaos
bite the bullet - do or decide to do
something very difficult

take a back seat - have little or only

observational involvement in
something

to have kissed the Blarney Stone possessing great persuasive ability

bring home the bacon - achieve a

challenge, bring back the prize or
earn a living

brass neck/brass-neck/brass
necked - boldness or
impudence/audacious,
17 rude

Revise the following sentences to avoid

redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Last but not least, the
attorney referred back to
an exactly identical case.

Finally, the
attorney referred
to an identical
case.
With warning, we
could have sold
out before our
stocks hit bottom.

Quick
Check

With a little advance

warning, we could have
sold out before our stocks
tanked.

18

Revise the following sentences to avoid

redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who is

straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.

Pursuant to your request,

enclosed please find a
check for $150.

As you requested,
a check for $150 is
enclosed.
19

Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been
converted to nouns.

Tip

Look for words ending in

tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
20

Buried Verbs
Instead of this

Try this

The manager came to

the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.

The manager
realized that
telecommuting
made sense.

A job seeker must make

application before May
1.

A job seeker must

apply before
May 1.
21

Buried Verbs
Instead of this

Try this

Once we have the

establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.

Once we establish a
Web site, our
business will grow.

Please give serious

consideration to a
company intranet.

Please seriously
consider a company
intranet.
22

Control Exuberance
To sound credible, dont overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally
Excessive

Businesslike

The manager is actually

quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.

The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because
the plan is
workable.
23

Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.

Unclear

More Precise

The man asked for a

raise.

Jeff Jones asked for a 10

percent salary increase.

An employee
presented a
proposal.

Safeer Ahmed, production

manager, presented a
plan to stagger hours.
24

Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
They thought her
report was good.

Try this

She said she would

get in touch.

Seema said she would

send you an e-mail.

The management council

thought Erins report was
factual and well written.

25

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and

control exuberance.

The seller said he

definitely would contact
you.
We must give
encouragement to our
team.

The seller
promised to e-mail
(telephone or fax)
you.
We must
encourage our
team.

Quick
Check

26

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and

control exuberance.
Moviegoers actually show
a total preference for
buttered popcorn.

Moviegoers prefer
buttered popcorn.

Please make an
Please assess the
assessment of the homes homes value.
value.
Ann made a suggestion
Ann suggested
that we hire Lee.
that we hire Lee.
27

Designing Documents for

Readability
Employ white space.
Headings
Short paragraphs
Ragged-right margins

28

Designing Documents for

Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at
ends of strokes. Useful for body text.

Times New Roman

Century
Georgia
Garamond
29

Designing Documents for

Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.

Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
30

Designing Documents for

Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
Break up complex information into
smaller chunks.
Use numbered lists for sequences.
Use bulleted lists for items that dont
require a certain order.

31

Designing Documents for

Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this

Try this

To clean the printer, you

should do the following.
First, you should
disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the
printer area should be
cleaned with a soft cloth.

To clean the printer, do

the following:
1. Disconnect the power
cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
32

Designing Documents for

Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this

Try this

On April 3 we will be in
Toledo, and the speaker is
Troy Lee. On May 20 we
will be in Detroit, and the
speaker is Sue Wu.

Date

City

Speaker

April 3 Toledo Troy

Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu

33

Designing Documents for

Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.
Instead of this

Try this

Our team constantly tries

to achieve our goals,
customer service must be
improved, and our
production targets must
be met.

Our team constantly

tries to (a) achieve our
goals, (b) improve
customer service, and
(c) hit our production
targets.
34

Designing Documents for

Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this
The next topic is
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
To assist employees, we
will begin a flex schedule
in the fall.

Try this
Vacations. A new
vacation schedule will
be available on May 1.
Flextime. To assist
employees, we will begin
a flex schedule in the
fall.
35

Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted

vertical list.
In the next training
session, the trainer
will demonstrate how
to create podcasts,
how to share multiple
programs, and how to
maintain an Internet
directory.

The next training

session will
demonstrate

Quick
Creating podcasts
Chec
Sharing multiple
k
programs

Maintaining an
Internet
directory.36

Improve the readability of the following

instructions that will become part of a
students employment booklet.
In preparing for an employment You can prepare for
interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the
studying the job description.
following:
Itemizing your most strategic
Study the job
skills and qualifications is also
description.
important. Giving responses in Itemize your most
a mock interview is another
strategic skills and
good practice technique. Last,
qualifications.
you should be prepared to ask Practice giving
relevant questions.
responses
37
in a mock interview.

Quick
Check

What to Watch for

in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

38

Proofreading Marks

39

40

How to Proofread
Complex Documents
Allow adequate time.
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed.

41

How to Proofread
Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
Spell names.
Spell difficult words.
Note capitalization.
Note punctuation.
42