Powerful Lessons in Personal

Change
 PARADIGMS

A general agreement or belief of how

the world works
 Paradigm - How do we “see”
things?
• The “lens” we all wear
– We all see things through our own “Paradigms”, which are our
own ways of thinking.
– We may not know the paradigm exists, like contact lens. We think
what we see is objective. But it may not be.

• Our unique experience creates the “lens”

– Family
– Education
– Environment
– Culture
Two people can see the same thing, disagree and yet
both be right.
 What’s the biggest problem you
are facing?
• At work
• In family
• Relationship
• Health
• Time
• Meaning of life
• Death
 Everybody has one
• I am having tremendous professional success, but it’s cost me
personal and family life.
• I know I’m overweight. I tried all the ways without success.
• My employees are always waiting for me to give them orders.
I am tired of that.
• I am too busy. I feel pressured and hassled all day, every day,
seven days a week.
• My kid won’t listen to me anymore
• There is no love in my marriage. We don’t feel it anymore.
The way we SEE the problem is the
problem
• It’s “out there”. It’s the problem of the others.
• We look at the symptoms and ignore the root cause
• We expect some magic techniques and quick fixes. The real
solution may be a long process and require significant efforts
• Examples:
– Employees lack of loyalty
– Marriage without love
– Always busy, but little accomplished
 New Level of Thinking

“The significant problems we face

cannot be solved at the same level
of thinking we were at when we
created them”
– Albert Einstein
 Paradigm shift - “See” things
differently
• Paradigm shift is powerful
– Fundamentally change our attitudes and behaviors
• The only way for us to make significant and quantum
changes
– Science
• From Earth center to Sun center
– Society
• From Kings to Democracy
– Life
• Life threatening crisis
• Step into a new role
 Inside-out
– Start with yourself
• Paradigms
• Characters
• Motives

– Private victory precedes public victory

• Keep promise to ourselves before to others
• Improve ourselves before improve the relationships
• Work on our characters before work on personalities
 Inside-out examples
• To have a good marriage
– Help in daily tasks
– Frequent appreciation
– Understand his/her interests and motives
• To have a pleasant, cooperative teenager
– More understanding
– Empathic
– Consistent
– Loving
• To have more freedom, more latitude in your job
– Be more responsible
– More helpful
– More contributing
The Paradigm Change Process
It’s a continuing renewal process
No quick fixes. No shortcut

The heights of great

men were not
achieved by sudden
flight
- Aristotle
 The journey of a thousand
miles begins with a single step
 HABIT
A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of
behavior that is acquired through frequent
repetition.

An established nature of the mind or

character
 We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, therefore, is not an act,
but a habit
- Aristotle
 HABIT 1

BE PROACTIVE
 Proactive
Acting in advance to deal with an expected
change or difficulty

Being anticipatory so as to look or plan ahead

 Responsibility
Response – ability

The ability to choose your response

 Our choice Natural law Consequence
Stimulus Response
(how the event
(event) (behaviour)
affects us)

In our hands
 Examples
S – Due to obesity, you feel lethargic and less
energetic

R – I’ve tried dieting in the past, it doesn’t work for

me; my body structure is such that I put on
weight easily; I don’t have time to cook healthy
food at home; numb out (internet, tv, shopping)

C – You stay obese and unhealthy

 Examples
S – Due to obesity, you feel lethargic and less
energetic

R – Do something about it; Others have done it, I

can too; baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle;
reduce that 1 coke which you take after lunch

C – You get small successes, and motivated by

them, you move on to achieve your goal
 Examples
S – A challenging assignment comes up at work

R – There are senior people also, why should I volunteer;

I know I can’t do it, I’m not that smart and
hardworking; the last time I wasn’t given “proper”
credit for my work, so I won’t bother this time

C – You miss out on growth opportunities as well as on

finding your capabilities
 Examples
S – A challenging assignment comes up at work

R – This is a perfect opportunity to showcase my skills

and talent; if I can do this, it will be a great addition to
my CV

C – You take the assignment with the right attitude and

effort, and grow personally as well as professionally
 Examples
S – I am too busy. I feel pressured and hassled all day

R – There is just too much of work to do, I need a

break; why doesn’t my boss give this work to
someone else; if my team were more intelligent and
cooperative my workload would decrease

C – You wear yourself out without actually achieving

much
 Examples
S – I am too busy. I feel pressured and hassled all day

R – Am I working on priorities or on to-do lists? How

will this help me achieve my goals? Can I delegate
some of this work? Can I talk to my boss to give me
some advise in this matter?

C – You work on important stuff, achieve more in less

time, and get ample leisure period
 Examples
S – You are stuck in the same job at the same post for a
long time

R – I’m not as smart as others in this company; the

company values only good talkers and not hard-workers;
I will do just my share of job and show no initiatives;
there is no use learning new stuff since it won’t be
noticed by my boss anyway,– basically, you COMPLAIN

C – You stagnate and pretty soon life feels hopeless and

empty. You are just “existing”, not “living”
 Examples
S – You are stuck in the same job at the same post for a long
time

R – Why is it that some people are moving ahead of me while I

remain here; I will read articles and books related to my field;
I will develop one new business skill this year; you seek
counseling from a trusted senior/mentor

C – You get noticed, you are given slightly more responsibility,

your experience and knowledge helps your boss in running
the business better, your value is realized – you get promoted
 Examples
S – Employees/team-members are not motivated

R – They are just a bunch of dumbos, its no use trying

to motivate them; I tried a few times but they are not
interested; this is the way things have been always, it
wont change now

C – The team remains demotivated, performs below

par, your productivity suffers as a result of being part
of the team
 Examples
S – Employees/team-members are not motivated

R – What is the reason – no skills? No opportunities?

No guidance? No reward system?; what steps can I
take to increase their motivation level; talk to them
individually to find out the problem

C – The team opens up to you and you build mutual

respect; if gaps are filled the motivation improves;
productivity soars
Not until you can say
I am what I am today
because of the choices I
made yesterday

... can you say

I choose otherwise.
 “People are always blaming their
circumstances for what they are. I don’t
believe in circumstances. The people who
get on in this world are the people who get
up and look for the circumstances they
want, and, if they can’t find them, make
them.”
– George Bernard Shaw
The decisions you make in
today’s circumstance are the
defining factor in what your
circumstances will be in the
future

You do this by deciding to overcome today’s

circumstances no matter what they are
 Easier said than done…

DOESN’T GET YOU

OUT OF THE
RESPONSIBILITY
 Myth about circumstances
Myth : My circumstances prevent me from doing
what I want to do

Law: A circumstance is a fact. A circumstance

with an opinion is an excuse
 Circumstance
A condition or fact attending an event and
having some bearing on it
We all like making excuses
Not to take ACTION

Not to feel GUILTY

RATIONALIZATION

My own example
 “RATIONALIZATION”

Allows us to work our way OUT of the

circumstance, rather than standing up and
facing the circumstance and doing something
about it

BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP

DOING IT. NOW
Not take “NO” for an answer
Its not a matter of working “harder” - It’s a
matter of working until it gets done. Period.

Facts (circumstances) are not supposed to

prevent action, but they do because of the
emotion we attach to them.
EXERCISE
 Be Proactive
• Proactive people:
– Are responsible for their own actions
– Are conscious of their own decisions and the
consequences of those decisions
– Do not blame circumstances, conditions or people for their
behavior
– Do not use statements like –
• Its not my fault if…
• I just couldn’t help it…
• If only I had more time/money/resources…

– Avoid being REACTIVE

 HABIT 2

BEGIN WITH THE END

IN MIND
 Our choice Natural law Consequence
Stimulus Response
(how the event
(event) (behaviour)
affects us)

What is the correct/appropriate choice ?

 You cannot choose your response
“unambiguously” until you are clear on
“what you want”
 Which road do I take? – Alice
Where do you want to go? – Cat
I don't know - Alice
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter”
So what do YOU want ?
 Goals and Goal Programmes
Everybody has a goal – even alcoholics do
Goal programme –
1. Objective
2. Benefits (can’t sell on price)
3. Skills
4. Obstacles
5. Ppl to work with
6. Plan of action
7. Completion date
 Set your GOALS
• What do YOU want –
– In your personal life?
– In your profession?
– In your relationships?

• Where do YOU want to be –

– 1/3/5 months from now?
– 1/3/5 years from now?
 Why are you here?

What is your purpose in life?

THE WORLD MAKES WAY FOR THE
MAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HE IS
GOING

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Set your goals TODAY

Write them down

 Lifelong goals
• To live the most authentic and fulfilling life
possible
• To connect to and fully express the divine
within me
• To touch others’ lives and to help them
achieve their highest potential
• To be better tomorrow from what I was
yesterday
Once you have set your macro (lifetime) goals,
you can then work towards micro (short term)
goals –
– Physical goal
– Financial goal
– Professional goal
– Emotional goal
– Personal goal
– Leisure/travel goals
 Some guidelines
• You are not stuck with your goals
• The very process of choosing goals brings up
emotional resistance – depression,
overwhelmed, numbing out
• Start with simple, obvious goals
• Write goals for each category
• Write down whatever comes to mind –
loosens you up
• Write goals that you WANT to achieve, not
what you SHOULD achieve
• If you had all the money and time in the world
• Imagine and describe your ideal situation
• Allows you to imagine – to stretch beyond
your current thinking
• Re-read all the above and meditate on it
• Based on the above write down the 5 most
important goals – that you want to achieve in
the next 1/3/5 years
• Goals should be in alignment with each other
• Now write goals for next week, month, 6
months
• KEEP IT REALISTIC!!! – Comfort, stretch and
panic zones
• REVIEW, REVISE, RECREATE
Failure will happen…don’t freak out!
As will success…celebrate it!!
 OPTIMISM

A tendency to expect the best possible

outcome or dwell on the most hopeful
aspects of a situation
We must accept finite disappointment, but
we must never lose infinite hope
- Martin Luther King Jr.
Learning to be helpless

THE SHUTTLEBOX EXPERIMENT

• Experiment repeated with humans – with
SAME RESULTS

• But, one out of every three DID NOT

become helpless

• Went trying on and on regardless of what

others did
 Fierce curiosity
Who gives up and who doesn’t?

Who prevails and who succumbs?

WHY?
 Explanatory style
• How people explain to themselves the bad
things that happen to them

• Habit of thought, learned in childhood and

adolescence

• 3 Ps – Permanent, Pervasive, Personal

 PERMANENCE
Always vs Not Always
 PERMANENT (Pessimistic) TEMPORARY (Optimistic)

Diets never work Diets don’t work when you

always eat out

You always complain You complain when I don’t do

my share of work

The boss never appreciates me The boss is in a bad mood

today

I’m always busy and pressured The SALE is on and we need to

and given too much work make the most of this time
 PERVASIVENESS
Everything vs Not Everything
 UNIVERSAL (Pessimistic) SPECIFIC (Optimistic)

I’m not attractive enough I’m not his/her type

I can never keep promises to I generally keep my promises,

anyone but this time I wasn’t able to

My boss is a bastard, my team is Things are not going well at

lazy, my wife fights with me. My work right now, but my personal
whole life is a failure life is good – my wife loves me
and I enjoy with my friends

Books are useless This book is not good

PERSONAL
Me vs Not Me
 INTERNAL (Pessimistic) EXTERNAL (Optimistic)

I’m not intelligent Math is not my cup of tea

Its my fault we split up Our ideas and lifestyles were

not compatible

My team failed because I am a We were short of staff/ stocks

bad leader. I shouldn’t have were not there/ staff is new and
agreed for this in the first place still learning
 Common traits of pessimists
• Blame their failures on their lack of ability
and their worthlessness
• Cannot get started on any but the most
routine tasks and give up easily when
impeded
• Are inattentive and don’t pay attention to
the crucial cues that signal reward or safety
• Lose interest in usual activities – life seems
drab and boring
GOOD NEWS – Pessimist
explanatory style can be
changed, and
permanently
STEP 1 – Be aware of the
ANTS
Almost unnoticed and unchallenged
STEP 2 – Get contrary
evidence
STEP 3 – Make different
explanations
STEP 4 – Distract from
depressing thoughts
 STEP 5 – Question your
assumptions
• I can’t live without love
– Love is precious but rare

• If my work is not perfect, I’m a failure

– Success is doing my best

• I have to be in the good books of everyone

– For every one person that likes me, two will dislike
me
 HABIT 3

PUT FIRST THINGS

FIRST
 urgent not urgent

I: necessity II: opportunity

crises PC activities
important deadlines planning & prevention
“maintaining” commitment
(25 - 25) (65-15)

III IV
interruptions trivia
Not important busy work
some meetings
some reports time wasters
(5-55) (5-5)

• We want Quadrant II > Quadrant I.

• Quadrant II comes from Quadrants III and IV.
Don’t confuse Important with Urgent

“Urgent” is easy to see. But

“Important” is what gives RESULTS
 Habit 3 ... The 80/20 rule

1 Identify big rocks (Q2).

2 Schedule these FIRST!
3 Surround with other.

93
 You cannot manage time

You can only manage your actions

 Make a plan

Failing to plan is planning to fail

If it doesn’t contribute to your
goal, say NO
Re-examine your workload
 Delegate

Delegation is not DUMPING

Minimize interruptions
Take care of your health
Quit making excuses
 Confusion??
• Use the below criteria –
– Why am I doing this?
– How does it relate to my goal?
– What happens if I choose not to do it?

If you are not sure of the above answers, first

get sure, and then continue the task
 FINALLY…
Periodically review/modify your
schedule and priorities

Do not confuse motion with progress