WEEK 4

Audience concerns: managing the

relationship with tone and style

Using the active voice

Ethics and Tutors

• Acceptable tutoring:
• Comments designed to help you improve your work

• Cheating
• Edits or rewrites by someone other than you
Who’s sorry now?
5 R’s for an effective apology
• Recognition: acknowledge the specific offence
• Responsibility: accept personal responsibility without
excuses
• Remorse: “I apologize” “I am sorry”
• Restitution: here’s what I’m going to do about it,
specifically
• Repeating: I promise it won’t happen again
 BUS 360W

Ways to Create Audience Resistance

• Insult them by implying that they’re
unintelligent or dishonest
• Blame them for mistakes
• Issue commands, orders, or ultimatums
(relative status?)
• Confuse their gender or name
• Use inappropriate language
• Use an inappropriate tone
• Ignore audience knowledge deficits (details?)
• Minimize, dismiss, or ignore audience concerns
• Make false, weak, or unfair assumptions
• Spell words incorrectly or use them in the wrong context
Maintaining the relationship
• Write like you would speak
• Positive Language and tone
• Courteous and respectful throughout

• Connotative vs. Denotative Language

• Constructive and Proactive messages
Say what you mean
• Based on an overall cost concern, savings on the
detention expenses would cover its price differences to
others. On the other hand, the one-day breakdown does
not affect the job plans for May, or we have to disrupt the
next construction schedule with other contractors.
(45 words)

• I calculated total cost by adding the cost of down time to

the repair price. I also chose an option that would not
interfere with other contracts.
(27 words)
Write like you would speak (listen to what you write)

Transformation of a dream often begins with acts of

imagination that elevate a starting vision of change above the
intimidating presence of things as they are.

You have to have a dream to make the dream come true.

The amount of human interaction in contemporary office contexts is

continually diminishing, because of technology.

Today businesspeople don’t talk to each other very much; we

mostly send emails.
The Tone Scale
Tone Tone Text
level
1 Text language Thx 4 yr txt ;-)

2 Informal Got your note and liked it.

3 Chatty Thanks for your note. I’ve read it with interest.
4 Formal yet Thank you for your letter and the comments you make.
friendly
5 Official I have received your letter and noted the matter you raise.

6 Officialese Receipt is acknowledged of your recent communication, whose

contents of have noted.
7 Legalese Acknowledgement is hereby made of your communication
(hereinafter the ‘letter’) by the undersigned who has apprehended its
matter.
8 19th century Your esteemed favour to hand of the fourth ultimo; the contents of
same have been duly appraised.

9 Medieval Let it be hereafter promulgated that said missive has been gazetted
and cognizance raised pursuant to its substance.

10 Biblical I receiveth unto me thy epistle, and its wisdom escapeth me not.
Informality in the locker room
Slangy:

Come on guys, this locker room sucks! It’s getting so you can’t see the
floor, and the place stinks!

The Maintenance Department is freaking out, and if we don’t get our act
together, I won’t be surprised if management does a number on us and
closes the joint. So don’t trash it—stash it or take it home and wash it!

Informal:

We’re lucky to have these excellent new facilities, but we risk losing them if
we don’t take care of them.

We’ve been creating extra work for the Maintenance Department by leaving
clothes and equipment lying around.

Let’s keep our changing room respectable so we don’t lose our privileges.
Trying to impress with formality

Stuffy:

The report attached hereto is considered by management to

comprise the final recommendations devised by the Public
Relations Committee.

All staff are reminded that adherence to the procedures stated

herein is considered mandatory in all circumstances.

Informal:

Our Public Relations Committee has published the attached report on

advertising policy.

Please pay particular attention to the eight recommendations on page

3, as they take effect immediately.
 BUS 360W

Courtesy and Respect

• Readers hate:
• Condescending language
• Bossiness
• Presumptuousness
• Anger
 BUS 360W

Courtesy and Respect

• Obviously, if you had the slightest idea of our policies you
would have known that unless you want to be fired you
should never use company-issued cellphones for personal
calls
• Please use your company-issued cell phone for business
calls only so that customers can contact you without delay
 BUS 360W

Denotation and Connotation

• Be aware of the connotations of your word choices
• Cheap/inexpensive/cost-effective/low-priced/thrifty/economical
• flexible/changeable/fickle/adaptable/spineless/compliant
 BUS 360W

Are you positive?

• Don’t alter facts to achieve positivity
• Use positive phrasing instead of negative
phrasing where possible:
• You cannot log into SIMS without an SFU ID
• Once you have an SFU ID, you can log into SIMS
• Consider softening negative messages with
positivity where possible
• We cannot extend credit to you at this time
• Although credit is unavailable, we look forward to
serving you on a cash basis
Avoid negative words
• Afraid • Ignore
• Anxious • Impossible
• Bad • Inadequate
• Delay • Incomplete
• Difficulty • Injury
• Dissatisfied • Lacking
• Error • Loss
• Fail • Mistake
• Fault • Neglect
• Fear • Never
• Hesitate • Problem
De-emphasize negative aspects
• You can’t just leave the negative aspects out
• Structure your message to state negative aspects briefly
and focus on the positive instead
Switching from negative to positive
Dear Mrs. Graves,

According to our records, your dog, Finn, has sadly missed

his annual wellness examination and appropriate vaccines.
Unfortunately, this province has a terribly high incidence of
diseases such as rabies and distemper, so we urge you not
to neglect your pet’s welfare any longer. If you fail to
schedule an appointment promptly, your delay may
compromise his health and the health of your whole
household. We are certain that you are anxious to avoid
this possibility of injury and death, so we urge you to
address this problem without delay.
Switching from negative to positive
Dear Mrs. Graves,

According to our records, your dog, Finn, is due for his

annual wellness examination and yearly vaccine boosters.
Given the high incidence of diseases such as rabies and
distemper in BC, it is important that Finn’s immunization
remains current. Regular vaccinations and a yearly
inspection will protect your pet by helping him maintain a
strong resistance to disease. Please call us at (230) 555-
1212 to book an appointment. We look forward to seeing
you and Finn soon.
So now you try it
1. I am afraid that your payment reached us too late, so
we will have to charge you a 10% late fee.

2. Unfortunately, due to the hideousness of this frame

line, most of our clients sent them back for a refund.

3. I’m terribly sorry to be three days late resonding to

your request. I had to wait for our legal department to
get back to me. According to our lawyers, there’s nothing
we can do about your injuries or lost work time. We
recommend that in future you carefully read all usage
instructions.
 BUS 360W

Avoiding gender bias

Each executive has his own parking space
• Use the indefinite article
• Every executive has a parking space
• Use plurals
• All executives have their own parking spaces
• Use both genders
• Each executive has his/her own parking space
• Use plural pronouns
• Each executive has their own parking space
Choose strong verbs
Don’t send a noun to do a verb’s job

• We had a consultation with the client

• We met with the client

• They made an amendment to the by-law

• They amended the by-law

• There was a difference in their views

• Their views differed
 Turn these nouns back into
verbs
undertook management managed
brought to completion completed
conducted integration integrated
undertook implementation implemented
setup an activation activated
ensured compliance complied
had a consultation consulted
Improve these sentences
• The company is a designer and manufacturer of safety
equipment.
• It provides a satisfactory resolution to the concerns of a
number of area landowners. 
• We had a meeting and held a discussion of the case. We
reached the conclusion that you should make an
amendment to your proposal.  
• The information received so far gives an indication of
serious negligence but is insufficient for the justification of
the commencement of a law suit. 
 24

Mass opiate
"The impersonal passive voice [is] an opiate that cancels
responsibility, hides identity, and numbs the reader."
Sheridan Baker, "Scholarly Style, or the Lack Thereof" (1956), in Perspectives on Style 64, 66 (Frederick Candelaria
ed., 1968)

It’s not really that bad.

 25

How active and passive differ

• Structure and verb form

• Active
o He killed Lennon.
o We recommend canceling.

Responsible party is the subject. It comes before verb.

• Passive
o Lennon was killed by him.
o Canceling is recommended.

Responsible party is not the subject. It comes after verb. Or it’s

missing.
 26

3 common elements of passives

• Form of verb to be or to get (sometimes missing)

• Past participle of verb: usually ed ending (rarely ing

ending , a gerund participle)

• By phrase (often missing)

Guideline: if you can’t tell who or what is responsible, it’s

often passive
 27

Action? Sometimes
• Active clauses: the subject (responsible party) often does
something

• Passive clauses: something is done to the subject

• Action not always involved: considered, known, doubted

 28

Pro-choice

• Know what passives are

• Use them intentionally, not automatically, when it makes

sense (more on this below)
 29

Active benefits
• Identifies responsible party to ensure transparency and
accountability. Readers don’t have to guess
• Creates a more direct message, often shorter
• Focuses the picture for readers
• Matches how people think and perceive
• Often sounds better
 30

Passive problems
• Imprecise when by phrase missing (no
transparency/accountability): power will be supplied

• Longer when by phrase used

• Can sound awkward and bureaucratic

• Can interfere with storytelling and explaining concepts

because they don’t start with responsible party
 31

Typical passive examples

• It is recommended that…

• Please be advised that…

• Mistakes were made...

• A change-management process should be implemented...

• Situations considered acceptable include...

• Performance measures have been deemed to be inadequate...

 32

Translating passive to active

1. Figure out who or what is doing something:

The report was written by Joe

2. Put that party ahead of the verb, instead of behind it:

Joe wrote the report

Make these active
1. The error was compounded by Mr. Mitchell when he did
not follow procedures.
2. Fund expenses are indirectly borne by investors.
3. A record of approvals is maintained by the Security
Administrator.
4. An early reply regarding possible dates would be
appreciated.
5. The company’s assets may only be used for legitimate
business purposes.
 34

Passive clauses ≠ past tense

• The recommendation is made by Carol

• The recommendation was made by Carol

• The recommendation will be made by Carol

 35

The tense-voice matrix