BUILDING

MOTIVATION,
CHARACTER &
COPING SKILLS
Nacera Bendelhoum, LMFT
 Motivating Factors
OVERVIEW Barriers
Qualities to Cultivate
Resources and discussion
What Builds Religious
Identity/Character?
+ The existing body of social science literature has
identified numerous socializers of religiosity, including
parents, peers, religious institutions, higher education,
and mass media. Although there are many religious
socializers in the lives of children and adolescents, none
are more essential than parents. Smith and colleagues
declare that “the single, most powerful causal influence
on the religious lives of American teenagers and youth
adults is the religious lives of their parents.…beyond a
doubt, the parents of Americans play the leading role in
shaping the character of their religious and spiritual
lives, even well after they leave home and often for the
rest of their lives.”
 Heavy Task Allah Has
Lightened
+ Start with the dua of sexual intimacy:
‫ان َما َرَزْقـتََنا‬ َّ ‫ و َجِّن ِب‬، ‫ان‬ ِ ‫بِسِم‬
َّ ‫اهلل اللَّه َّم َجِّن ْب َنا‬
َ ‫ط‬َ ‫الش ْي‬ َ َ ‫ط‬ َ ‫الش ْي‬ ُ ْ
Bismillahirahmaan Ar-Raheem, Allahmma jannibnash-shaytan, Wa jannibish-shaytana ma razaqtana
In the Name of Allah. O Allah, keep the shaytaan away from us and keep the shaytaan away
from what You have blessed us with.
"When approaching one's spouse, if one says, "In the name of Allah. 0 Allah! Protect us from Satan and
protect what you grant us [i.e. the coming offspring] from Satan" then if it is destined that they have a
child from that intercourse, Satan will never be able to harm it." (SaWJ al-Bukhiir'i 141 & Sa/J,i/J,
Muslim 1434, the wording is of Muslim)  
 Heavy Task Allah Has
Lightened
+ Utilize your status of accepted dua
+ Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “There are 3 supplications which are
answered: the supplication of the person who is wronged, the supplication of the TRAVELER,
and the supplication of a parent for his child. [Adab al-Mufrad]
+ Tahajjud
+ Allah’s Messenger (‫ )ﷺ‬said, “Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on
the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying: “Is there anyone to
invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant
him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?” [Bukhari]
 Heavy Task Allah Has
Lightened
+ Expel doubt, anxiety and cultivate Yaqeen/certainty
+ Prophet Muhammad S said: “A supplication should be made in full confidence
and one should persistently express his desire (before Allah) in his
supplication, for no bounty is too great for Allah to bestow (upon his slaves).” [
Muslim]
Intrinsic
Motivation
+ Intrinsic motivation refers to behavior that
is driven by internal rewards. In other
words, the motivation to engage in a
behavior arises from within the individual
because it is naturally satisfying to you. 
Extrinsic
Motivation
 We are motivated by factors outside
ourselves that may cause us to take
action. 
 Action to avoid negative consequences
 Action to seek positive consequences
 Islamic Motivators
To benefit our own soul in various ways
Love of Allah and seeking his pleasure

Avoid jahammam/other forms of

Attaining Jannah/worldly khair
punishment
 What Motivates humans?
Power: Controlling self, others,
circumstances, or resources, more
Achievement: Overcoming Personality for the sake of wielding power
obstacles, attaining lofty itself than in order to achieve other
standards, rising to a goals
challenge, and rivaling or Greed
surpassing others Admiration/F
ame Safety

Negative Goals:
Self- emotions: Material
esteem moving
envy Attachments force that
energizes

Emotions Affiliation/C Drives:

Self- Love and
onnecting hunger,
actualization belongingn
with others food, sex
ess
Barriers to Motivation & Making Good Choices
Poor self-control to Lack of knowledge
abstain the enjoyable/ Poor self-soothing
delayed gratification
training
Lack of Self Awareness

Lack of grit to pursue

these Negative triggers associated
challenging/unrewarding with the right choice
activities (critical/controlling/angry
responses)
Misunderstand the purpose of
failure. It’s sometimes about the
journey, growth not necessarily
the end goal
Basic Framework For Reference
+ What do the Quran and Sunnah say about it?
+ What does the law, research, experts say about it?
+ What are our family rules related to it?
Cultivating the Opposite
Establish & frequent your reference guides (Adaab Al-mufrad/Perfect code of
Build Knowledge manners by Bukhari, Rayaad Assaliheen/Meadows of the Righteous)

Stay away from “because I say so” teaching. You won’t look like the bad guy and they
need reasons for motivation when you are not around

Family Learning Ritual (5pm learning clip, weekly classes, discussions) we all need
frequent reminders

What do the Quran and Sunnah say about it?

What does the law, research, experts say about it?
What are our family rules related to it?

Open connection with mentors

Cultivating the Opposite
Practice and teach breathe work. Focus on the exhale
Develop Healthy Self
Soothing
Practice and teach grounding techniques (engaging the senses, alternate tapping of
feet, passing a ball back and forth between hands)

Practice and teach sunnah actions like changing position and making wudu

Practice and encourage healthy energy releases (exercise, nature, sports, etc).

Practice and encourage journaling to express thoughts, emotions and make sense of
them

Practice and encourage thikr that are general and specific to struggle
Cultivating the Opposite
Practice and teach regular journaling to set goals, review the day, express thoughts
Develop Self Awareness and emotions, and make sense of them

Normalize emotions and provide opportunity to find solution when calm

Practice and teach responding vs. reacting. Make it a game

Practice and teach awareness of physiological needs. Hunger, thirst, sleep cues

Practice and teach the art of giving and receiving feedback

Cultivating the Opposite
Build positive Cultivate curiosity about the world, our purpose and interests
triggers/associations with
the right choice
Build connection to Allah. Call upon his names frequently

Practice and teach awareness of physiological needs. Hunger, thirst, sleep cues

Practice and teach the art of giving and receiving feedback

Encourage skill building vs. discouraging the undesirable

Manage your own emotions and motivators

Cultivating the Opposite

Develop a love for the Practice and encourage regular journaling to process what they gain along the way, or
journey wisdom behind experiences

Encourage trial and error within limits

Model letting go and flexibility

Cultivating the Opposite

Develop grit Present opportunities for challenge (start with things of interest)

Prep and coach perseverance (pep talks, taking breaks)

Model resilience (share own struggles)

Cultivating the Opposite
Develop delayed Play self control games (Simon says, don’t smile, statue, cookie right now or 2 in 30
gratification and self- minutes)
control

Family fasting rituals

Build out steps toward desire

Cultivating the Opposite
Develop positive peer,
media influences and Know the tricks of shaytan and make thikr
awareness of shaytan

Research and listen to relevant, age-appropriate content (religious and secular)

Research the benefits and dangers of close friends, acquaintances

Research and utilize local positive peer groups, volunteer opportunities

 Remember?
+ Examine your own motivators behind those values/qualities/behavior. Are they balanced? Do they need
adjusting?
+ Willingness to learn and cooperate is dependent on the quality of your relationships
+ Remove C’s and resistance might decrease
+ Criticism
+ Control
+ Comparison
+ Make these family goals
+ When address problematic behavior use communication secrets
Communication Secrets

• Prepare:
• Son, I want to discuss something with you tonight that is a little sensitive but I’m hoping you can have an open mind
• Daughter, I need to talk to you about something but I’m embarrassed. Bare with me? I really want to get it all out before you give any
feedback and I want us to find a solution together
• Disarm: Find truth in what they say even if it’s hard.
• You’re always attacking me! “your right! It much be hard getting lots of feedback and I do get really passionate about this topic.”
• Paraphrase content and emotions: let them know you heard them by telling them what you heard
• “your frustrated because you feel the improvements you are making are discounted”
• Affirm: show care and respect. SO HARD TO DO WHEN ANGRY!
• “I can tell by how hurt you are that this quality is also very important to you.”
• Ask for change:
• “let’s come up with a plan from here that meets our framework (see earlier slide) and work well for you
• What if noting works:
• Know when to persist and when to choose your battles, the end result is with Allah, Seek outside consultation
Resources
+ Yaqeen article: Will My Children Be Muslim
+ 21 teaching techniques of the prophet S (Muhammad Al Shareef-free online
pdf)
+ The Rising soul (book on praiseworthy and unpraiseworthy qualities to
develop)
+ How to raise and thinking child, pre-teen (books on how to teach problem
solving and thinking patterns)
+ Feeling Good Together Dr. David Burns (book on developing good
relationships and communication)