Listening skills

"Listening is as powerful a means of

communication and influence as to talk
well." - John Marshall
"I like to listen. I have learned a great deal
from listening carefully. Most people
never listen." - Ernest Hemingway
Talking is sharing, Listening is caring.
 One of the other reasons for poor listening is our lack of training.
Even though an adult spends 45% of her time listening to
somebody or something, only 5% of the American workforce has
been trained in listening. For most people, their only listening
education was the parental injunction to "Shut up and listen."

 There's no need to despair, however. Listening is a skill. It can be

learned, and it can be perfected. All you have to do is take on the
POSITION of a good listener and develop the PRACTICE of a good
listener.

 POSITION refers to those things you do in preparation for listening.

It's getting yourself ready to hear what is about to be said. It
involves six behaviors.
 First, DECIDE TO LISTEN.

 In my communication program, "The Relationship Recipe: Rapport, Respect, and

Recognition," I ask the attendees a question. I ask them, "How many of you can turn
on your ability to listen if you need to or want to?" All the hands go up. So it's
obvious that good listening starts with your conscious decision to do so.

 Do you remember the old adage about having two ears and one mouth? Maybe
we're supposed to listen twice as much as we speak. Whatever, it starts with the
decision to listen.

 I remember one mother who had sternly instructed her son Josh to listen to the
children's sermon in church instead of goofing off. It worked.

 The assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers
nuts in the fall?" Five-year old Josh raised his hand. He said, "I know the answer
should be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
 Second, COME WITH AN OPEN MIND.

 It's so easy to enter a conversation with preconceived ideas about the other
person or his topic of discussion. And once you have a preconceived idea
in mind, it's almost impossible to "hear" what the other person is saying.
Your preconceptions act as a filter, and you only hear what supports your
preconceptions.
 I see this closed-minded problem everywhere. I see it when mangers ask,
"What can you expect from the staff?" I see it when the employees say,
"You can't trust what they're saying at the top." And I see it when customer
service providers talk about their difficult customers, saying, "They're all
alike."
 Communication is a strange thing. A message can travel around the world
in a matter of seconds. But it can take years to travel that last inch into your
brain if you have preconceived ideas standing in the way.
 Third, REMOVE PHYSICAL BARRIERS.

 When there's some "things" between you and the other person, listening can
become more difficult. If you're on a job site, for example, and there's a piece
of equipment between you and the other person, it will be harder to hear as
well as pay attention.

 Or if there's a desk between you and somebody else, the desk may imply that
one person is "above" the other, and that kind of discomfort will not help the
listening process. One researcher found that only 11% of patients are at ease
when the doctor sits behind a desk, but 55% of the patients are at ease when
the desk is removed.

 The physical barrier might be your hearing. If you can't easily and clearly hear
what is being said, all the listening skills in the world won't do you much good.
If you've got a hearing problem and something can be done about it, do it. It's
something that everyone in your life will appreciate.
 Fourth, LEAN FORWARD.

 The more you physically position yourself to listen, the more

you will listen. In effect, your body is saying, "I'm ready to
listen. So go ahead. Let’s hear it."
 Besides that, when you lean towards the speaker, you
demonstrate your commitment to the communication
process. You demonstrate your involvement. And when you
appear as if you don't want to miss a single word that the
speaker is saying, you encourage the speaker.
 Fifth, LOOK AT THE SPEAKER.

 If you doubt the importance of eye contact, think

of someone who doesn't look at you when you're
speaking. Remember how it feels. Not very good.
You intuitively know that eye contact is critical, so
use it. Anybody worth listening to is worth looking
at.
 Sixth, FOCUS.

 In other words, put aside everything else that is not related to the
listening process. Don't try to write a memo at the same time you're
listening to your colleague. Don't try to read the newspaper at the
same time your spouse is talking to you. Stop tapping your fingers
or jiggling your foot. All those things suggest you have more
important things to do than listen to the other person.

 With those six things, you're in a POSITION to listen. You’re ready

to receive information. How you deal with that information is the
PRACTICE of listening. I'll talk about that next week.
 Action for Communication Skills:

 List the six POSITIONS of a good listener. Rank

them from 1 to 6, number 1 being the item you
are "best" at and number 6 the one you "most
need to improve."

 Then consciously focus on your number 6 item

every time you're in a listening situation this week.
Focus on doing it right, and you will get better.
 Only about 25 percent of listeners grasp the central ideas in
communications.
 There must be a lot of frustrated people out there, a lot of
people who feel like they aren’t listened to, a lot of people
throwing up their arms and saying, "You just don’t get it, do
you?" I say this because some of the most popular pages on
The PAR Group’s web site are on listening skills.
 There seems to be a growing realization of the importance of
solid listening and communication skills in business. After all,
lack of attention and respectful listening can be costly -
leading to mistakes, poor service, misaligned goals, wasted
time and lack of teamwork.
 However, listening is less important than
how you listen. By listening in a way that
demonstrates understanding and respect,
you cause rapport to develop, and that is
the true foundation from which you can sell,
manage or influence others.
 Following are some keys to listening well:

 Give 100% Attention: Prove you care by suspending all other activities.

 Respond: Responses can be both verbal and nonverbal (nods, expressing

interest) but must prove you received the message, and more importantly,
prove it had an impact on you. Speak at approximately the same energy level
as the other person...then they’ll know they really got through and don’t have
to keep repeating.

 Prove understanding: To say "I understand" is not enough. People need

some sort of evidence or proof of understanding. Prove your understanding
by occasionally restating the gist of their idea or by asking a question which
proves you know the main idea. The important point is not to repeat what
they’ve said to prove you were listening, but to prove you understand. The
difference in these two intentions transmits remarkably different messages
when you are communicating.
 Prove respect: Prove you take other views seriously. It seldom
helps to tell people, "I appreciate your position" or "I know how you
feel." You have to prove it by being willing to communicate with
others at their level of understanding and attitude. We do this
naturally by adjusting our tone of vice, rate of speech and choice of
words to show that we are trying to imagine being where they are at
the moment.

 Listening to and acknowledging other people may seem

deceptively simple, but doing it well, particularly when
disagreements arise, takes true talent. As with any skill, listening
well takes plenty of practice.

 "I think one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for
paying attention." - Diane Sawyer
 Poor Listener Effective Listener

thinks and mentally summarizes, weighs the evidence, listens between

ends to "wool-gather" with slow speakers
the lines to tones of voice and evidence

subject is dry so tunes out speaker finds what's in it for me

fights distractions, sees past bad communication habits, knows how to

distracted easily
concentrate

takes intensive notes, but the more notes taken, the less value; has
has 2-3 ways to take notes and organize important information
only one way to take notes

is overstimulated, tends to seek and enter into arguments doesn't judge until comprehension is complete

inexperienced in listening to difficult material; has usually sought

uses "heavier" materials to regularly exercise the mind
light, recreational materials

lets deaf spots or blind words catch his or her attention interpret color words, and doesn't get hung up on them

holds eye contact and helps speaker along by showing an active body
shows no energy output
state
judges delivery -- tunes out judges content, skips over delivery errors
listens for facts listens for central ideas
Thank You