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Questions
Mindfulness Activity
Observe
Connecting with Others in Meaningful Ways

Lesson 12
(DeCano & Cook, 2015)
 Summary of the Previous Lesson
• Reviewed the components that are part of the IE skills
• Talked about the need to prioritize the IE goal and that
options of timing and who you are asking are important
• Intensity is the component of how strongly to ask or to
say ”no”
• There are 10 criteria to go through to help us assess the
level of intensity to use. Keep in mind that its not a
perfect formula – thus we make a wise minded
adjustment of plus/minus 1.
• Keep in mind – using your best IE skills does not
guarantee you that you will get what you want or
accomplish your goal – it does increase your chances
 Learning Objectives

 After completing this lesson, you will be able to:

• Understand the importance of connecting with others in

meaningful ways

• Define and describe the importance of receiving good social

support

• Explain the different types of relationships we engage in

• Learn the different stages of relationships and skills for each

area
 Lesson 12: Glossary Terms
Connecting with Others & Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
It includes expressions of empathy, love, trust and
caring (Fleury, Keller, & Perez, 2009).
Emotional Social Support e.g., the family member provides support with a
listening ear.

It includes tangible aid and service (Fleury, Keller, &

Perez, 2009).
Instrumental Social e.g., my classmates decide to borrow me their notes
Support because I was sick and couldn’t attend the class.

It includes advice, suggestions, and information

(Fleury, Keller, & Perez, 2009).
Informational Social e.g., my mentor provides information to help me with
Support my career planning.
 Participation Week 12
• Share a sentence or two about a person who
you value your relationship with and in what
ways that relationship is valuable to you.
 Well-Being Derived from Relationships
INCREASES DECREASES
Connectedness and belonging Sense of isolation & loneliness
Life Satisfaction (purpose & Stress
meaning)
Problem-solving in response to life Burnout
challenges
Prevention of mental health Incidence of diseases
problems
Successful life transitions Impact of chronic illnesses
(strongest predictor*)
Better Recovery from Illness*
Longer life
More than Just “Soft Skills”

(Robles, 2012)
 Connecting With Others in Meaningful Ways

SOCIAL
SUPPORT
Seek & provide

ROLE CONTRIBUTE
MEANINGFUL
MODELS TO OTHERS
CONNECTIONS
Identify & strive volunteer & acts of
kindness

MENTORING
mentor & mentee
 SOCIAL SUPPORT
Social support is the "resources we receive from others”

Comes from a variety of different sources:

• Spouses/partners • Spiritual leaders

• Relatives • Co-workers

• Friends • Classmates

• Teammates • Bosses

• Neighbors
 SOCIAL SUPPORT

We can get a number of resources out of good social support,

including:

• Guidance on how solve problems or handle tricky

situations

• Emotional support to bounce back from adversity

• Love

• Fun and enjoyable activities

• People who let us know that they care about, value, and
love us.
 SOCIAL SUPPORT
FUNCTIONAL VIEW OF SOCIAL
SUPPORT
What purpose or function* does the social support serve?

EMOTIONAL INSTRUMENTAL INFORMATIONAL

SOCIAL SUPPORT SOCIAL SUPPORT SOCIAL SUPPORT

Being cared for Specific task or Problem solving

activities

Structure vs. Functional

 Who Do You Seek for Social Support?
EMOTIONAL SOCIAL SUPPORT
Who do you turn to when stressed or confronted with a challenging problem?
Who do you seek comfort or love from when you need it?
Who do you share your accomplishments with to savor the moment?
INSTRUMENTAL (PRACTICAL) SOCIAL SUPPORT
Who do you go to when you need help with a task or activity that you can’t really
perform alone?
Who would lend you a hand to complete a task?
Who can you count on to help with throwing an event?
INFORMATIONAL SOCIAL SUPPORT
Who do you go to for advice when involved in a conflict?
Who do you seek recommendations from to solve a problem?
Who offers up information that helps provide answers to questions?
 Contributing to Others
Compassion at the Heart: Connecting to Others

 Caring for fellow people and a willingness to see past others’

behaviors to see the value in other people

 Sensitivity to the suffering of self and others with a deep

commitment to try to relieve and prevent it

 Acts of compassion can be contagious – generosity and

kindness begets more generosity and kindness
 Role Models
 Someone we can look up to and whose characteristics
we can imitate in our own endeavors
 Representative of successful outcomes

 Motivating

 Model the necessary behaviors for achieving goals and living

out values

 Learn from in terms of choices

 Role models in resilience

 Mentors
 Someone who is more experienced and who is
trusted and sought for advice.

 Can provide strong contacts

 Can provide you with knowledge gained from
experience
 Can provide you with vision and perspective
 Can provide you with constructive feedback
in many areas
 Can help you reach your
potential
 Mentors

Receiving Performance Feedback

• Feedback is the process of asking for information from a

mentor about what you are doing well and what you could
improve and how (identifying blind-spots).
• To have resilience we must learn how to receive feedback
without getting defensive and upset (practice willingness).
EMR Model of Relationships

Establish

Authentic
Relationship

Maintain Restore
 Intentionally ESTABLISHING
Positive Relationships with Others O23

 Laying the Foundation for Trust, Understanding, &

Connection

 Spending individual time with the other person

 Gather, review, and remember to reference important

information about the other person
 Compliments or positive recognition

 Engaging in fun activities

 Developing Authentic Relationships

 What is the difference between having an acquaintance

versus an authentic positive relationship?
The Secret Ingredient to Authentic Relationships
 Guilt, Humiliation, Embarrassment, & Shame

The person who didn’t

pick up the poop is a
I did a bad thing by
loser and now I look
not watching where I
stupid because of
was going.
them.

Guilt Humiliation

I am a bad person for Well this is awkward that

not paying attention to this happened. It’ll make
where I was going and I me laugh later because I
deserved to step in the know this has happened to
poop. other people.

Shame Embarrassment
The Dialectic in Developing Authentic Relationships

Courage to be
Fear or Shame
Vulnerable
 MAINTAINING a Relationship Over Time
29

• The 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative

interactions (the “Magic Ratio”)

• Engaging in fun activities together

• Providing social support in times of need

• Shut up and listen to the other person

5:1
Gets the
job done!!!
 RESTORING the Relationship After Conflict,
Misunderstanding or Harm
 R3 Reconnect, Repair, & Restore:
 Find time to reconnect with the person
 Communicate effectively to repair
 Letting go of the previous interaction -‘do-over’(fresh start)

 Ownership for the problem (admitting one’s own mistake)

 Statement indicating care for the other person

 Apology or openness to accept forgiveness

30

 Work to restore the relationship with person

 Summary of this Lesson

• Social support and social connectedness is important to our

functional and emotional well-being and our overall resilience

• There are four ways in which we can meaningfully connect

with others: social support, mentoring, doing good deeds for
others, and choosing good role models.

• 3 different types of social support (functional view)

• Emotional Support (being cared for)

• Instrumental Support (specific task or activities)

• Informational Support (problem-solving)

 Summary of this Lesson

• Relationships have stages:

1. Establishing

2. Developing authentic relationships – honoring the

dialectic of shame and vulnerability

3. Maintaining the relationship – 5:1 ratio

4. Restoring the relationship

 Participation Week 12
• What is one way you’re going to establish,
maintain, or restore an important relationship
to you in the coming week?
Mindfulness Activity
Observe and Describe

 Observing an everyday object

 Who Do You Seek for Social Support?
EMOTIONAL SOCIAL SUPPORT

Who do you turn to when stressed or confronted with a challenging problem?

Who do you seek comfort or love from when you need it?
Who do you share your accomplishments with to savor the moment?
INSTRUMENTAL (PRACTICAL) SOCIAL SUPPORT
Who do you go to when you need help with a task or activity that you can’t really
perform alone?
Who would lend you a hand to complete a task?
Who can you count on to help with throwing an event?
INFORMATIONAL SOCIAL SUPPORT
Who go to for advice when involved in a conflict?
Who do you seek recommendations from to solve a problem?
Who offers up information that helps provide answers to questions?
 Activity: Map Your Support Networks

• Discuss as a group who in your life supports you in each of the

three areas of social support in each of the domains in your life.

• Remember, the same person can fill multiple categories and you
can have more than one person in each category.

Emotional Instrumental Informational

Academically

Professionally

Socially

Emotionally

Other
 Group Discussion
 What are some other areas in your life you need/have social
support?

 Which areas is it easiest for you to find all the types of social
support?

 Which areas do you need help seeking social support?

 What are some effective ways you’ve found to establish social

support?