Consent:

Creating Safe Engagement in the Church

Grace O. Okoluko
Pathfinders Justice Initiative
©2022 Pathfinders Justice Initiative. All rights reserved. Please be advised that this material is copyrighted and subject to copyright laws in Nigeria
and the United States of America. Any unauthorized use or distribution of this material may subject the unauthorized distributor to legal penalty.
 Introduction
Signing a document or pledging allegiance are not prerequisites to attending church but members can
be said to have given their consent to engaging in church by simply being present, paying tithes and
even inviting friends along with their children a place that they consider to be “safe.” As such,
everyone attending a local church should be clear on precisely what they are consenting to and in turn,
the church must be honest, vulnerable, and strongly committed to creating structures that ensure that
the spiritual, physical, and emotional environments are safe for all members.
 
 
About This Class
Students will learn the meaning of consent and the global best practices to encourage safe
interactions, clear boundaries, and mutual respect in relationships within the church community to
provide a neutral, accessible ‘safe space.’

The knowledge gained will teach students how to create structures to protect members of the church. 
 
Activities and scenarios will be used to help students fully understand the class.

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 TOPIC 1- Consent
What is Consent?
Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in an activity.
Consent is clearly and 'freely' communicated. It could be verbal, non-
verbal or written. Therefore, in the church setting, consent can help
both you and the person you interact with understand and respect each
other’s boundaries. Consent can also be valid and invalid.

Why Consent Is Important

• Because violating consent can have legal ramifications
• Because violating consent can damage your reputation
• Because violating consent can bring grievous harm to the body of
Christ
• Because God holds us as leaders accountable for sin and for the sheep
placed in our care 03
 Consent Cont.
• Elements of Valid and Invalid Consent

• Valid Consent:
1. Must be voluntarily given by the person.
2. The person giving consent must have the mental capacity to consent.
3. The person giving consent must be properly informed.

• Invalid Consent:
1. Consent that is given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol,
asleep or unconscious.
2.  Consent that is given to an activity under duress (pressure of intimidation) or threat.
3. Unequal power dynamics - In this case, a person may have more social, financial, and/or institutional
power than the other person and will dominate decision-making or assert power in ways that
disadvantage other partners, e.g., leader of a unit and a member or Pastor and a member, etc.
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Consent is about communication. It should happen in every instance for every type of activity.
Consenting to one activity on one occasion does not mean someone gives consent for other activities or
the same activity on other occasions. Also, the consent to begin an activity can be withdrawn at any
given time, therefore one should always pay attention to the word ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and even non-verbal
cues as well while participating in an activity with a person.

Consent is not a style of clothes, age, environment or behaviour. It is an agreement and must be
properly and freely gained.

Therefore, as an individual or Christian leader who interacts with people daily and within the church
setting, you should do the following while obtaining consent:
 (1) describe the proposed intervention in advent you want to pray with them, lay hands on them,
conduct counselling, etc.).
(2) emphasise the person's role in decision-making.
(3) discuss all alternatives to the proposed intervention to present an individual with all available
choices (e.g., group counselling in place of personal counselling).
 (4) discuss the risks of the proposed intervention, if any.

Activity 1a
Please list 5 possible activities as an individual or as a Christian leader that may require the consent of
the participating person and discuss alternatives. 05
Enthusiastic Consent
Enthusiastic consent focuses on a positive expression of consent. Simply put,
enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the
absence of a “no.” Enthusiastic consent can be expressed verbally or through
nonverbal cues, such as positive body language like smiling, maintaining eye
contact, and nodding. These cues alone do not necessarily represent consent,
but they are additional details that may reflect consent. It is necessary,
however, to still seek verbal confirmation. The important part of consent,
enthusiastic or otherwise, is checking in with a person regularly to make sure
that they are still on the same page, as there are situations where your body
might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity.
 
To affirm consent, you can do the following:
• Ask questions such as “is this okay?”
• Confirm that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
•  Provide positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity. 06
 Topic 2 - Boundaries
In this context, boundaries are the limits that allow for a safe connection in the minister-congregation
relationship based on the member’s needs. 

Boundaries in our lives are culturally and socially determined and include spiritual, financial, physical,
emotional, language, sexual, etc. limits.

Some definitions of types of boundaries

Personal
 PersonalBoundaries
Boundaries
 Ethical - moral beliefs and
 Personal boundaries values
are important because
they set the basic guidelines for how you or a
person want to be treated. When properly
established, they can help build good
interpersonal and professional relationships.
Therefore, a person/minister should be able to
establish the following boundaries for
himself/herself as well as recognize and seek to
understand other people’s personal boundaries.
 Ethical - moral beliefs and values
 Physical - deciding the level of
privacy, participation of family
members, devoted time for
personal
 Emotional – choice of reflection
and recreation, understanding
 Sexual - self aware of your
attractions and erotic feelings, etc.
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 Ministerial Boundaries
In ministry, we will need to encounter boundaries regularly because we
work with people. Ministry requires the service of people. Crossing
boundaries could occur when we speak to a person or visit them and the
way we choose to minister to them forms the ties of our relationships and
interactions. This is why we need to be mindful of the roles or relationships
we have with others, choosing to consciously engage in respectful
relationships and always put in place healthy boundaries.

Sometimes, our duties as spiritual leaders may lead us to believe that we

have unrestricted access to the lives of our members, especially those that
do not or cannot establish healthy boundaries. This wrong assumption can
lead to unacceptable boundary-crossing. To avoid that, one should consider
the person, circumstance, timing, and place before proceeding to cross any
boundaries.  08
 Violation of Boundaries
Violation of Boundaries Examples of Boundary Violations
A boundary violation occurs when a  Confusing touches: where a person feels wary or
pastor/spiritual leader places his/her uncertain about the intention or meaning of the touch,
needs above those of the member, such as staring, prolonged or tight hugs, or tickling.
inadvertently robbing a member of the  Sexual misconduct -  inappropriate behaviours of a
ability to make a choice. It is also notable sexual nature that may be criminal.
that in most cases, boundary violations  Developing an inappropriate intimate relationship with
can occur during: a member/adult/child. In the case of a child, through
 Transition of power - e.g., being regular contact with the child without the knowledge
recently transferred to a new place or approval of the Church’s management/parents.
and unaware of how people act and  Using threats of punishment from God to control
making assumptions that your another person’s thinking and/or behaviour.
method of interaction is acceptable.   Insisting on having your way sexually even when a
 Stress - when a spiritual leader is person says “no.” This is rape and is criminal.
under stress or the member is under  As a leader or minister, name-calling or screaming at
stress and does not bother to apply another person or subordinate.
much thought to an action.   Victim blaming when a member shares a problem with
you. 09
 Case Study 1
Please read and study and refer to Topics 1 & 2.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour." 
Ephesians 5: 22-23

He read it out loud and I knew it was going to be another normal evening. I had spoken with my Pastor
but I was asked to stay strong and committed to my marriage. I entered the room carrying our 4th
child, she would have been my shield but she was asleep so I had to put her to bed.

As I walked in, my Husband looked at me and shook his head, ‘stubborn woman, how long will you
keep up this facade of being a dutiful wife? You won’t obey me and you think God will bless these bible
classes that you go to?’

He grabbed me and pushed me on to the bed. I said no and that I really needed some rest but he
quoted the verse once again and I kept quiet, so the neighbours wouldn't hear us argue again. I would
lead praises tomorrow and I wanted God to hear them, so I let go, and he had his way with me.

Is there a violation of consent here?

Is there a violation of boundaries, please list them?
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 Consent and Marriage
Beyond the cultural factors that water down the need for consent, there is also the religious
factor that sees ministers demanding and teaching control to the detriment of their
members and in the face of the abuse of weak people. It is also clear that when consent is
ignored, abuse is perpetrated.

The verse above has been literally taken by abusers to harm people and trap them in
unhappy marriages and constant spousal rape. Yes, there is such a thing as spousal rape. It
involves a spouse forcing a husband or wife to have sex in the face of no. NOTE: In the FCT
and other states that have adopted the Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act, it is rape
and amounts to a criminal act.

We as the church leaders must do better. In the case of this verse, we must understand the
responsibility of men to lovingly and sacrificially care for their wives, actions that will then
cause their wives to willingly submit to a husband’s care, leadership and loving sacrifice.

Ministers should take note to ensure that it is important to understand that we cannot
support  violation of consent, boundaries or domestic violence in any form- be it spiritual,
emotional or physical in our churches.
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 Managing Boundaries
Management of boundaries, especially when it comes to physical touch of people, has been subject to
numerous conversations because people differ in their ideas and experiences of boundaries.

Yet, the reason for this conversation is the fact that boundaries can be managed.

Yes, such activities, e.g., laying of hands while praying/imparting, are arguably not harmful, yet they can
easily be abused, with good intentions becoming misunderstood especially when they occur with a
certain person, at a certain time in an environment and without consent.

Nevertheless,
Good touches:weAwill
goodlook at the
touch different
makes physical
the person touches
feel Bad
good that touches:
can whereaccepted/unaccepted
be generally a person feels :
about who they are, affirmed, cared for, and supported. intimidated, degraded, or is harmed, such
These would include: as causing pain or touching in intimate
areas or an intimate manner.
i. touches that focus on neutral and non-intimate body
zones, such as brief side hugs (popularly known as the A confusing touch: one that makes them
‘Christian hug’). feel unsure of the relationship,
ii. touches that involve the hands, such as high-fives, uncomfortable in the person initiating the
shaking hands, or touching of knuckles. touch, sudden touches that occur out of
context. 12
 Guidelines on Physical Touching
The touches described above can differ for people. Even when their body language may serve as an
indication of what is good, bad or confusing for them, it may still be a herculean task to detect which is best
for an individual. This is why within the church, we must ensure that appropriate boundaries are recreated
for everyone by outlining guidelines that can be added to the ‘Code of Conduct’ of the church.

Examples of such guidelines:

  Seeking permission from someone before you touch them 
 In demonstrations during sermons that require volunteers, briefly explain where you will be touching
the person, e.g., around the waist if it involves a male and a female. 
 Respond to touch initiated by someone under your care, rather than initiating it.
 With a distressed person, with consent, secure their consent before touching them for only as long as is
needed to address the immediate need of the person. 
 Do not ‘jokingly’ touch or brush past intimate zones of a person’s body. If this accidentally occurs,
apologise immediately and make sure that someone in authority knows what happened so that your
actions are visible and you are accountable.
 When possible, have a member of the same sex as the person you are ministering to present at all times.
 Do not meet with children (particularly of the opposite sex) alone without a parent or guardian present.
 Be honest with yourself about your own personal struggles. If you’ve been abused are tempted to abuse
others, seek help and ask that your leadership hold you accountable.
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 Cont. – Guidelines on Touching
 If a person is becoming distressed or emotionally unstable and the interaction seems prolonged,
request that another leader join you (preferably of the same sex as the person you are
engaging). 
 When dealing with people who always want to initiate prolonged touch, encourage the person to
sit down and then arrange yourself at an angle to avoid close body contact between the two of
you. You might want to place a table between both of you, as this removes the risk of
supposition or assumption by others looking on that anything inappropriate is happening.
 When speaking with a member individually at a group outing, do so ‘privately in a public setting.’
That is, move a few metres away from the rest of the group, but within the clear view of the
group. This allows you to have a private conversation without others hearing what is being
discussed and yet stay within a safe distance.
 Ensure an environment likely to involve touch takes place in a public setting where people can
vouch for your interactions. (Practice the open door policy or clear glass walls where there is
enough privacy and protection for both the minister and member.)

The above are not intended to discourage healthy/safe touch, as touch is part of being human. They
are guidelines to help leaders stay within the bounds of a church’s Code of Conduct, to 14
appropriately touch those under their care for pastoral, medical, instructional, and safety reasons.
 Assignment
Activity 2a
List 5 examples of violation of Boundaries

Activity 2b
Discuss 5 cases of touch that can be generally misunderstood within the church context. Do not be
deterred by the fact that such misunderstanding comes from a member.

Activity 2c
Come up with guidelines that help newly ordained pastors navigate the waters of safe interaction with
different genders (male or female).

Assignment
Read up and look at guidelines that help interactions between an adult and a child within the youth
ministry context.

(Please email all assignment responses to gokoluko@pathfindersji.org, as your responses will be part of
your continuous assessment.)
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 Case Study 2
Please read carefully.

Pastor Dennis is a dedicated pastor and the congregation is highly pleased with his pastoral care.
He is a jovial pastor who loves to hug people, male or female.

On a Sunday evening while closing for the day, Pastor Dennis encounters a crying female member, one
Miss A. who complains about the difficulties that she is experiencing with her father who disapproves
of her choice of husband. Her father is currently lodged at a hotel and Pastor Dennis, with is
unaccompanied, offers to take her to see her father.

On arrival, Miss A. breaks down once more in tears and Pastor Dennis hugs her to offer some comfort,
just as her father walks into the parking lot and sees them.  Miss A .’s father begins to scream at Pastor
Dennis, causing a scene while asking him why he is hugging his daughter.

Are there boundary issues in this scenario? 

What could have been done differently?

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 Topic 3
Organisational Structures that Can Help
Uphold Safe Interactions in the Church
An organisation's structure is based on its purpose and how it carries that out. Structure develops a way
for a group to organise its activities to pursue its purpose. Your church's organisation and structure
should also seek to provide an effective and efficient way within groups for your church to safely
interact with members and establish healthy boundaries.

Such ways can be communicated to the members via the preparation of guidelines, strategies, or the
establishment of departments.

We will look at documents and departments that can be added to a church’s organisational structure to
improve or safeguard interactions.

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Code of Conduct (Document)
A Code of Conduct serves not only as a set of internal guidelines for the employees within the Church to
follow but also as an external statement of the church’s values and commitments, linking them with
standards of professional conduct when it comes to the behaviour of church employees.
Within such a document, there should be established rules and well-drawn-up guidelines on appropriate
touch, such as outlined in Topic 2. 

Boundary Checklist (Document)

A comprehensive list covering possible scenarios can be drawn up and discussed in order to help leaders
make the best and safe decisions while interacting with members. This can begin with listing all the ways
communication takes place within your church and indicating which methods of communication are
suitable for your church structure by asking questions such as: 
Is there any risk for church staff to counsel someone with no other person in the building?

Is much time a church staff member spends alone with a parishioner important?

Can ministers and elders visit opposite-gender church members at the member’s home with no
apparent risk?
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Approval for Ministry (Strategy)
The local church board is responsible for any activities that take place in the name of the church. For
this reason, before commencing an event or recruiting individuals for any church event, there are
some elements to consider which include:
·      Leader being recruited, screened, and selected
·      Supervision structure for ministry and activities being arranged
·     The proper and safe activities being selected
·     All activities are monitored and reviewed with a proper feedback mechanism in place 
·      Complaints or allegations of abuse and misconduct are addressed according to good practice or
policies or reported to the Legal Department. 

Church Board Policies (Documents)

Church board policies and overall church policies need to be in place for the church to have order in all
they do. Such policies need to be broad, flexible, and be able to evolve or be reviewed annually in
order to deal with future issues and not only arise in reaction to past events.  
Therefore, they should:      
 Set a clear direction
 Define a proper course of action
 Are simple enough to be understood by all
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Legal or Social Justice Department
In general, the church needs to ensure that it has a functional Legal Department or at least that all
leaders are well informed of the laws, policies (Child Protection Laws, Codes of Conduct, criminal codes
(e.g. concealment of crime, consent, sexual harassment, working with children) with regards to the
society within which the church exists.

This department can also serve as a place where grievances and allegations of abuse and misconduct
(including child protection and sexual harassment) are properly treated or referred to organizations
best suited to handle the issue.

This department can also oversee empowering members and leaders to protect themselves,
encouraging people to trust their feelings and to speak up when they feel unsafe or at risk. (This will
include communicating with children and parents about your response to complaint processes.)

The church also needs to be a place where people can be trusted with confidential information.
However, it should never be a place where vulnerable adults are pressured to keep secrets to protect a
leader’s reputation.

A functional Legal Department can conduct a transparent process for reporting concerns.
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Use of Electronic Communication (Strategy)
In light of the evolving world of social media, interactions and relationships can form over the
telephone, email and social networking sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and SMS. This has
become a part of everyday life for many people in our ministry units. As leaders, we must consider
how we can use this form of communication appropriately.

We need to be mindful that electronic communication can also be used to test or violate boundaries
or even as a platform to foster relationships to prey on those who are vulnerable. Therefore, there
are a few things  we need to ensure that are in place:

 that all online communications between leaders and young people are visible to other team
members (not personal communications). 
 phone numbers of members (adults or minors) are not given out to people without consent.
 
As places offering ministry to vulnerable people, churches must be transparent in their motives and
actions. 

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THANK YOU!!!

• QUESTIONS…

• CONTRIBUTIONS…

• EXPERIENCE SHARING…

• Contact us: info@pathfindersji.org; Helpline: 0817-000-PATH (7284)

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