Quotes

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each
other but in looking outward together in the same direction." ---
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but
few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ ---
George Bernard Shaw
 Thought Frequency As Pie Charts
The
The Women Men relationship
relationship
Sports Sex

Sex
Men Pets
Going
thrashing Food bald
Aging Things we Career
Having to shouldn’t Strange ear Aging
pee have eaten & nose hair
growth
Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this
guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “ Doc, my brother's crazy.
He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't
you turn him in?" And the guy says, “ I would, but I need the
eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about
relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy
and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because,
uh, most of us need the eggs.

--- ANNIE HALL

Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't
have everything. ---The Purple Rose of Cairo

Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ---
Manhattan

Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though
the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel
sad, you know, I don't know why.

Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a
year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.
---Crimes and Misdemeanors
Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very
beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything
more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and
distant.

By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered.
Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a
world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where
there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It
was like an ice palace.

Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened
up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.

---Interiors
 Early Attraction Factors

• Proximity and attraction (Propinquity Effect)

(The more you see and interact with people, the more likely you’ll become
friends with them)
Role of physical distance and functional distance (e.g., common paths,
web)

Related to the “Mere Exposure Effect” (the more you are exposed to a
stimulus, the more you will like it)
Role of the Internet in Dating
Role of the Internet in Dating
 Attitude similarity and attraction
14)
Attraction toward other person (range = 2-

Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to

rate how much they liked a stranger
13.00
after learning he agreed with varying
12.00 proportions of their attitudes
expressed on a questionnaire.
11.00 (Higher numbers indication greater
liking.)
10.00
9.00
As the graph shows, the
8.00
greater the proportion of
7.00 attitudes subjects shared
6.00 with the stranger, the
.00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00 more subjects liked him
Proportion of similar attitudes held by
other person
 Why such a powerful effect of similarity?

A) Cognitive Consistency
(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)

B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)

C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes,

interests)

D) They will like us also (reciprocal)

 Application of Similarity Theory
Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony
[http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions]

Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions

scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”

Core Traits ---

Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy,
Adaptability):
How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone?
Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?
Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion)
How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable
curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for
intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when
dealing with the world?
Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry,
Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate
physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or
 Application of Similarity Theory (cont.)
From eHarmony
Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger,
Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution)
The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are
key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to
succeed with in a relationship
Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition,
Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences.
How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous
part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most
comfortable sharing our lives with.
Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life
experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world.
Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other
Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29
Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your
compatibility profile
 Repulsion Hypothesis

Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening

“Lab” studies Avg. attraction score

• Similar attitudes 5.5 No
• No information regarding attitudes 5.2 difference

• Dissimilar attitudes 2.1 (less attraction)

Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)

Democrat No
difference
Description of person No party affiliation

Republican Disliked
D S S D S
DS S D D
Reject those who are
DDD S S D dissimilar
DDSDDD
S D D S D

S S S S
S S S
End result is that we are
left with similar people to S
interact with
 The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other
theories in social psychology:

• Balance Theory Imbalance is motivating

• Congruity Theory Incongruity is motivating

• Dissonance Theory Dissonance is motivating

• Equity Theory Inequity is motivating

Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather

than being given other’s attitudes is quite different

Active search process

 Role of Emotion and Affiliation

Nonanxious Anxious subjects Schachter (1959) manipulated the

subjects anxiety levels of female subjects
by having them anticipate either
20 20 painful or innocuous shock. The
dependent variable was subjects’
18 18 choice to wait with others or to
16 16 wait alone.
# of

14 14
The results indicated that
12 12 anxious subjects chose to wait
with others more than non-
10 10
anxious subjects.
8 8 Also, a follow-up study found
6 6 that anxious people preferred to
wait with other anxious people
4 4 rather than those who were not
anxious
2 2
Choose to wait alone Choose to wait
with others
 The “ Bridge” Study
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal

• Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled

• Low handrails (3 feet)
• 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal

versus
 Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)

Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content

2) % of men who called female back

Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater

percent called back when on the dangerous bridge

Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction

 Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation

Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image

• Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males
(emphasis on thin as attractive)

“Undesirable”
Male

Equal intake of candy by

males and females

“Desirable”
Male

• Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a

desirable male
Amount of
attitude
conformity Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation
5

4 3.7

0 0
Undesirable Desirable man
man
 Conversation Style and Relationship Type

Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)

Voice Quality Trait Ratings

Feminine Submissive
Babylike Scatterbrained
High pitch Approachable
Relaxed Sincere
Pleasant
• Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a
casual versus intimate friend.
• No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how
things were said, paralinguistic cues.
 Physical Attractiveness
[Reflects the “ What is beautiful is good” stereotype]
• Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date)
• More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm,
intelligent)
• Higher income
• Higher evaluation of work performance
• More lenient treatment in the legal system Often different in
physical
• Better mental health attraction
Length of Short
• Matching
relationship Couple is
Long equal in
physical
attraction
Impression Romantically linked
of man
Strangers

7.5

7.1
7.0

6.5

6.1 5.9
6.0

5.5
5.5

5.0

Low High
Female’s attractiveness
 Attractiveness as a Business

• In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in

the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery,
2003)

• Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in
2002

• Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year

• Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles)

• 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club
membership per year in the U.S.
 Misattributions of Friendly Behavior
Routine
Conversation
Female
Viewed female as
Male promiscuous; were attracted to
the female; saw themselves as
flirtatious and seductive
Female
Observers Viewed males as behaving
Male in a sexual manner;
females as promiscuous
Sexual
Interaction
lens
Long-Term Relationships
 Equity Theory

Person Comparison Other Costs/Inputs (e.g., Rewards (e.g.,

(Forms a ratio (Standard) income, status, , companionship,
of costs/inputs to education, sexual fulfillment,
(Another couple,
rewards and personality, time, stability, benefits,
yourself in the past,
compares this money, effort) flexibility,
an idealized image)
ratio to a autonomy,
standard responsibility,
promotion)

• Comparison process results in relationship being viewed as either

over benefitted (“getting more than you deserve”) or under
benefitted (“getting less than you deserve”)

• Best relationships are those that are perceived as equitable or fair

 Social Exchange Theory
[We “ buy” the best relationship we can get, one that gives us the best value for our
emotional dollar – From Aronson et al. Social Psychology, 2010, p. 299]
• Perceived Companionship, sexual
fulfillment, status, greater income,
Rewards friendships, etc.
Outcome
(Rewards
• Perceived Loss of freedom, $, time, effort, minus
Costs annoying habits, etc. Costs)

What we expect the outcomes of a

• Comparison Level relationship to be in terms of costs and
rewards (e.g., a standard)

• Comparison Level for Expectations about the level of rewards

Alternatives (benefits) and punishments (costs) they
would receive in an alternative relationship
When outcomes (rewards – costs) match one’s comparison level, satisfaction and
commitment are higher – Alternatives are viewed as less desirable
 Gender Differences in Mate Preferences Men
% % Women
Money Money
spent spent
40 40
High Budget Low Budget

30 30

20 20

10 10

0 0
Physical Social status Physical Social status
attractiveness attractiveness
~ Exchange Theory ~
The Role of Investments
 ~ Exchange Theory ~
Relationship Satisfaction and Commitment
 The life cycle Communication/ Relationship
consolidation continues
of a
relationship
Buildup Deterioration
and decline

Attraction Ending

Important Triggering Social-exchange and equity: Social-exchange and

variables factors: Communication, Self- equity/inequity: Relative
influencing Proximity, disclosure, Communal attractiveness of
attraction Similarity, Erotic concern, External supports alternatives, Barriers to
love etc… dissolution
Low: High: Upset of
High: Heady Relationship deterioration and
Emotion
feeling of in stable state trauma of
romantic love disruption
 Marital Satisfaction over Time
In a longitudinal study that spanned ten years, married couples rated the quality of their marriages. On
average, these ratings were high, but they declined among both husbands and wives. As you can see, there
were two steep drops, occurring during the first and eighth years of marriage. (Kurdek, 1999.)
Ratings of marital quality

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Years of marriage
Wife Husband
 Ending Intimate Relationships
The current American divorce rate is nearly 50% of
the current marriage rate and has been for the
past two decades

Countless romantic relationships between

unmarried individuals end every day.

So, social psychologists are now beginning to

explore the end of the story—how it dies.
 Changes in Life Satisfaction Before and After Divorce
In this study, 817 men and women who were divorced at some point rated how satisfied they were with
life on a scale of 0 to 10 every year for eighteen years. Overall, divorcees were less satisfied than their
married counterparts-a common result. On the question of whether time heals the wound, you can see
that satisfaction levels dipped before divorce, rebounded afterward, but did not return to original levels. It
appears that people adapt but do not fully recover from this experience. (Lucas, 2005.)

0.00
Life Satisfaction Ratings

-0.50

Divorce
-1.00
-8 -6 -4 -2 0 2 4 6
Years Before and After Divorce
 Balance Theory (Fritz Heider)

Betty

(-) + + (-)

Sue Joan
+
(-)

Balance in Relationships
 Balance Theory (cont.)

Betty

+ +

Sue Joan
-

Imbalance in Relationships
 Liking Love

Separate constructs or along a

continuum?

Liking Loving
 Sample Liking Scale Items

When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.

I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.
I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.
In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.
I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.
I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly
win your respect.
_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.
_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.
I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.
 Sample Love Scale Items

I would do anything for _____.

I feel responsible for _____’s well being.
I feel very possessive toward _____.
If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.
If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.
I would forgive _____ for practically anything.
In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.
When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just
looking at him/her.
I would be hard for me to get along without _____.
 Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends

Index Women Men

Love for Partner 89.5 89.3

Liking for Partner 88.7 84.6

Love for Friend 65.3 55.1

Liking for Friend 80.5 79.1

 Interpersonal Relationship --- More Dynamic
Approaches

• Individual subjective reactions to cues in

an interaction

Relationships • Active search/detection process for cues

• Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g.,

baking a cake example)
 Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer
Approaches (cont.)

• Future
Thoughts about Evaluation of
interpersonal interaction as good, possibilities
interactions average, poor • Strategies

• Who is told? When they are told?

Narratives/stories What is said? Why they are told?
about
relationships • Difference in perceptions; memory for facts
 Marriage, Health and Longevity
Health &
Longevity
Happily married
High Unhappily married

Unmarried

Low
Men Women
“No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been
married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain

Love marriages
Satisfaction
Arranged marriages
90

80

70

60

50

40

0-1 1-2 2-5 5-10 10+

Years of marriage
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Intimacy
Liking

Romantic Companionate
(Intimacy & (Intimacy &
Passion) Consummate Commitment)

Passion Fatuous
(Passion &
Commitment
Infatuate Empty
Commitment)
Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular
Love Theory
˜ Intimacy Component ˜
I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____
I have a warm relationship with _____.
I am able to count on _____ in times of need.
˜ Passion Component ˜
Just seeing ________ excites me.
I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____
My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.
˜ Commitment Component ˜
I know that I care about _____.
I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.
Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people
come between us.
 Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love

Intimacy Passion Commitment

Non-Love x x x
Liking  x x
Infatuated x  x
Empty x x 
Romantic   x
Companionate  x 
Fatuous x  
Consummate   
 Sternberg’s Love Story Approach*
[Based on past experience and personality]

• Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues

• Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all
one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all
needs

• Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and

princess)

• War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser

* Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model

 Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues
• Jealousy ---
Men Sexual infidelity (60%)
Women Emotional infidelity (83%)

• Communication ---
Demand-withdraw interaction pattern (Females wish to
discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions)

• Sex
• Children
• Money
• Different expectations