COMMUNICATION STYLES

LEARN THE RIGHT WAY TO COMMUNICATE.

 THE FIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES

• ASSERTIVE
• PASSIVE
• AGGRESSIVE
• PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
• SUBMISSIVE
• MANIPULATIVE
 THE ASSERTIVE STYLE
• ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION IS BORN OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.

• IT IS THE HEALTHIEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE STYLE OF COMMUNICATION - THE

SWEET SPOT BETWEEN BEING TOO AGGRESSIVE AND TOO PASSIVE.

• WHEN WE ARE ASSERTIVE, WE HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO COMMUNICATE

WITHOUT RESORTING TO GAMES OR MANIPULATION.

• WE KNOW OUR LIMITS AND DON'T ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE PUSHED BEYOND

THEM JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS OR NEEDS SOMETHING FROM US.

• SURPRISINGLY, HOWEVER, ASSERTIVE IS THE STYLE MOST PEOPLE USE LEAST.

 Non-Verbal Behaviour
Behavioural Characteristics
Achieving goals without hurting others Voice – medium pitch and speed and volume

Protective of own rights and respectful of others' rights

Posture – open posture, symmetrical balance, tall, relaxed, no
Socially and emotionally expressive fidgeting
Making your own choices and taking responsibility for
them Gestures – even, rounded, expansive

Asking directly for needs to be met, while accepting Facial expression – good eye contact
the possibility of rejection
Accepting compliments Spatial position – in control, respectful of others

Language

"Please would you turn the volume down? I am

really struggling to concentrate on my studies.“

"I am so sorry, but I won't be able to help you with

your project this afternoon, as I have a dentist
appointment."
Behavioural Characteristics
o Achieving goals without hurting others
o Protective of own rights and respectful of others'
rights
o Socially and emotionally expressive
o Making your own choices and taking responsibility
for them
o Asking directly for needs to be met, while accepting
the possibility of rejection
o Accepting compliments
Language
o "Please would you turn the volume down? I am
really struggling to concentrate on my studies.“
o "I am so sorry, but I won't be able to help you with
your project this afternoon, as I have a dentist
appointment."
Non-Verbal Behaviour
o Voice – medium pitch and speed and volume
o Posture – open posture, symmetrical balance, tall,
relaxed, no fidgeting
o Gestures – even, rounded, expansive
o Facial expression – good eye contact
o Spatial position – in control, respectful of others
People on the Receiving end Feel
o They can take the person at their word
o They know where they stand with the person
o The person can cope with justified criticism and
accept compliments
o The person can look after themselves
o Respect for the person
 THE AGGRESSIVE STYLE

• THIS STYLE IS ABOUT WINNING – OFTEN AT SOMEONE ELSE'S

EXPENSE.

• AN AGGRESSIVE PERSON BEHAVES AS IF THEIR NEEDS ARE THE

MOST IMPORTANT, AS THOUGH THEY HAVE MORE RIGHTS, AND
HAVE MORE TO CONTRIBUTE THAN OTHER PEOPLE.

• IT IS AN INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION STYLE AS THE CONTENT OF

THE MESSAGE MAY GET LOST BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE TOO BUSY
REACTING TO THE WAY IT'S DELIVERED
Behavioural Characteristics Non-Verbal Behaviour
•Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile •Voice – volume is loud
•Willing to achieve goals at expense of others •Posture – 'bigger than' others
•Out to "win" •Gestures - big, fast, sharp/jerky
•Demanding, abrasive •Facial expression – scowl, frown, glare
•Belligerent •Spatial position - Invade others' personal space, try to
•Explosive, unpredictable stand 'over' others
•Intimidating
•Bullying

Language People on the Receiving end Feel

•"You are crazy!" •Defensive, aggressive (withdraw or fight back)
•"Do it my way!" •Uncooperative
•"You make me sick!" •Resentful/Vengeful
•"That is just about enough out of you!" •Humiliated/degraded
•Sarcasm, name-calling, threatening, blaming, insulting. •Hurt
•Afraid
•A loss of respect for the aggressive person
•Mistakes and problems are not reported to an
aggressive person in case they "blow up'.
 THE PASSIVE STYLE
• PASSIVE COMMUNICATION IS A STYLE IN WHICH INDIVIDUALS HAVE DEVELOPED A
PATTERN OF AVOIDING EXPRESSING THEIR OPINIONS OR FEELINGS, PROTECTING
THEIR RIGHTS, AND IDENTIFYING AND MEETING THEIR NEEDS.

• AS A RESULT, PASSIVE INDIVIDUALS DO NOT RESPOND OVERTLY TO HURTFUL OR

ANGER-INDUCING SITUATIONS. INSTEAD, THEY ALLOW GRIEVANCES AND
ANNOYANCES TO MOUNT, USUALLY UNAWARE OF THE BUILDUP.

• BUT ONCE THEY HAVE REACHED THEIR HIGH TOLERANCE THRESHOLD FOR
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, THEY ARE PRONE TO EXPLOSIVE OUTBURSTS, WHICH
ARE USUALLY OUT OF PROPORTION TO THE TRIGGERING INCIDENT.

• AFTER THE OUTBURST, HOWEVER, THEY MAY FEEL SHAME, GUILT, AND
CONFUSION, SO THEY RETURN TO BEING PASSIVE.
 PASSIVE COMMUNICATION
PASSIVE COMMUNICATORS
WILL OFTEN
: :
 FAIL TO ASSERT FOR THEMSELVES
 ALLOW OTHERS TO DELIBERATELY
OR INADVERTENTLY INFRINGE ON
THEIR RIGHTS
 FAIL TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS,
NEEDS, OR OPINIONS
 TEND TO SPEAK SOFTLY OR
APOLOGETICALLY
 EXHIBIT POOR EYE CONTACT AND
SLUMPED BODY POSTURE
THE IMPACT OF A PATTERN OF
PASSIVE COMMUNICATION IS THAT
THESE INDIVIDUALS
 OFTEN FEEL ANXIOUS BECAUSE LIFE
SEEMS OUT OF THEIR CONTROL
 OFTEN FEEL DEPRESSED BECAUSE
THEY FEEL STUCK AND HOPELESS
 OFTEN FEEL RESENTFUL (BUT ARE
UNAWARE OF IT) BECAUSE THEIR NEEDS
ARE NOT BEING MET
 OFTEN FEEL CONFUSED BECAUSE
THEY IGNORE THEIR OWN FEELINGS
 ARE UNABLE TO MATURE BECAUSE
REAL ISSUES ARE NEVER ADDRESSED
A PASSIVE COMMUNICATOR WILL
SAY, BELIEVE, OR BEHAVE LIKE:
 “I’M UNABLE TO STAND UP FOR MY
RIGHTS.”
 “I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY RIGHTS
ARE.”
 “I GET STEPPED ON BY EVERYONE."
 “I’M WEAK AND UNABLE TO TAKE
CARE OF MYSELF.”
 “PEOPLE NEVER CONSIDER MY
FEELINGS.”
 THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STYLE

• THIS IS A STYLE IN WHICH PEOPLE APPEAR PASSIVE ON THE

SURFACE, BUT ARE ACTUALLY ACTING OUT THEIR ANGER IN
INDIRECT OR BEHIND-THE-SCENES WAYS.
• PRISONERS OF WAR OFTEN ACT IN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAYS IN
ORDER TO DEAL WITH AN OVERWHELMING LACK OF POWER.
• PEOPLE WHO BEHAVE IN THIS MANNER USUALLY FEEL POWERLESS
AND RESENTFUL, AND EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS BY SUBTLY
UNDERMINING THE OBJECT (REAL OR IMAGINED) OF THEIR
RESENTMENTS – EVEN IF THIS ENDS UP SABOTAGING THEMSELVES.
Behavioural Characteristics Non-Verbal Behaviour
•Indirectly aggressive •Voice – Often speaks with a sugary sweet voice.
•Sarcastic •Posture – often asymmetrical – e.g. Standing with hand on
•Devious hip, and hip thrust out (when being sarcastic or patronising)
•Unreliable •Gestures – Can be jerky, quick
•Complaining •Facial expression – Often looks sweet and innocent
•Sulky •Spatial position – often too close, even touching other as
•Patronising pretends to be warm and friendly
•Gossips
•Two-faced - Pleasant to people to their faces, but poisonous
behind their backs (rumours, sabotage etc.) People do things
to actively harm the other party e.g. they sabotage a machine
by loosening a bolt or put too much salt in their food.

Language People on the Receiving end Feel

•Passive-aggressive language is when you say something like •Confused
"Why don't you go ahead and do it; my ideas aren't very good •Angry
anyway" but maybe with a little sting of irony or even worse, •Hurt
sarcasm, such as "You always know better in any case." •Resentful
•"Oh don't you worry about me, I can sort myself out – like I
usually have to."
 THE SUBMISSIVE STYLE

• THIS STYLE IS ABOUT PLEASING OTHER PEOPLE AND AVOIDING

CONFLICT.

• A SUBMISSIVE PERSON BEHAVES AS IF OTHER PEOPLES' NEEDS ARE

MORE IMPORTANT, AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MORE RIGHTS AND
MORE TO CONTRIBUTE.
Behavioural Characteristics Non-Verbal Behaviour
•Apologetic (feel as if you are imposing when you ask •Voice – Volume is soft
for what you want) •Posture – make themselves as small as possible, head
•Avoiding any confrontation down
•Finding difficulty in taking responsibility or decisions •Gestures – twist and fidget
•Yielding to someone else's preferences (and •Facial expression – no eye contact
discounting own rights and needs) •Spatial position – make themselves smaller/lower than
•Opting out others
•Feeling like a victim •Submissive behaviour is marked by a martyr-like
•Blaming others for events attitude (victim mentality) and a refusal to try out
•Refusing compliments initiatives, which might improve things.
•Inexpressive (of feelings and desires)

Language People on the Receiving end Feel

•"Oh, it's nothing, really.“
•"Oh, that's all right; I didn't want it anymore."
•"You choose; anything is fine."
•Exasperated
•Frustrated
•Guilty
•You don't know what you want (and so discount you)
•They can take advantage of you.
•Others resent the low energy surrounding the
submissive person and eventually give up trying to help
them because their efforts are subtly or overtly rejected.
 THE MANIPULATIVE STYLE

• THIS STYLE IS SCHEMING, CALCULATING AND SHREWD.

• MANIPULATIVE COMMUNICATORS ARE SKILLED AT INFLUENCING

OR CONTROLLING OTHERS TO THEIR OWN ADVANTAGE.

• THEIR SPOKEN WORDS HIDE AN UNDERLYING MESSAGE, OF WHICH

THE OTHER PERSON MAY BE TOTALLY UNAWARE.
Behavioural Characteristics Non-Verbal Behaviour
•Cunning •Voice – patronising, envious, ingratiating, often
•Controlling of others in an insidious way – for high pitch
example, by sulking •Facial expression – Can put on the 'hang dog"
•Asking indirectly for needs to be met expression
•Making others feel obliged or sorry for them.
•Uses 'artificial' tears

Language People on the Receiving end Feel

•"You are so lucky to have those chocolates, I •Guilty
wish I had some. I can't afford such expensive •Frustrated
chocolates." •Angry, irritated or annoyed
•"I didn't have time to buy anything, so I had to •Resentful
wear this dress. I just hope I don't look too awful •Others feel they never know where they stand
in it." ('Fishing' for a compliment). with a manipulative person and are annoyed at
constantly having to try to work out what is
going on.
 THE BENEFITS OF UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENT STYLES OF
COMMUNICATION

• A Good Understanding Of The Five Basic Styles Of Communication

Will Help You Learn How To React Most Effectively When
Confronted With A Difficult Person.
• It Will Also Help You Recognize When You Are Not Being Assertive
Or Not Behaving In The Most Effective Way.
• Remember, You Always Have A Choice As To Which
Communication Style You Use. Being Assertive Is Usually The Most
Effective, But Other Styles Are, Of Course, Necessary In Certain
Situations – Such As Being Submissive When Under Physical Threat
(A Mugging, Hijacking Etc.).
 THE BENEFITS OF UNDERSTANDING THE
DIFFERENT STYLES OF COMMUNICATION
• If You're Serious About Strengthening Your Relationships,
Reducing Stress From Conflict And Decreasing
Unnecessary Anxiety In Your Life, Practice Being More
Assertive.
• It Will Help You Diffuse Anger, Reduce Guilt And Build
Better Relationships Both Personally And Professionally.
• Remember The First Rule Of Effective Communication: The
Success Of The Communication Is The Responsibility Of
The Communicator.
 GROUP EXERCISE: PRACTICING
DIFFERENT STYLES OF COMMUNICATION

OBJECTIVES
1. To Demonstrate The Relative Effectiveness Of Communicating Assertively, Aggressively, And
Non-assertively.
 
2. To Give You Hands-on Experience With Different Styles Of Communication.

 
 ROLE: POOR PERFORMER
 
•You Sell Shoes Full-time For A National Chain Of Shoe Stores. During The Last Month
You Have Been Absent Three Times Without Giving Your Manager A Reason.

•The Quality Of Your Work Has Been Slipping. You Have A Lot Of Creative Excuses
When Your Boss Tries To Talk To You About Your Performance.

•When Playing This Role, Feel Free To Invent A Personal Problem That You May
Eventually Want To Share With Your Manager.

•However, Make The Manager Dig For Information About This Problem. Otherwise,
Respond To Your Manager’s Comments As You Normally Would.
 
 ROLE: STORE MANAGER

 
•You Manage A Store For A National Chain Of Shoe Stores. In The Privacy Of Your
Office, You Are Talking To One Of Your Salespeople Who Has Had Three Unexcused
Absences From Work During The Last Month.

• (This Is Excessive, According To Company Guidelines, And Must Be Corrected.)

• The Quality Of His Or Her Work Has Been Slipping. Customers Have Complained
That This Person Is Rude, And Co-workers Have Told You This Individual Isn’t
Carrying His Or Her Fair Share Of The Work.

•You Are Fairly Sure This Person Has Some Sort Of Personal Problem. You Want To
Identify That Problem And Get Him Or Her Back On The Right Track.
 QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
• 1. WHAT DRAWBACKS OF THE AGGRESSIVE AND NONASSERTIVE STYLES DID
YOU OBSERVE?
 
• 2. WHAT WERE MAJOR ADVANTAGES OF THE ASSERTIVE STYLE?
 
• 3. WHAT WERE THE MOST DIFFICULT ASPECTS OF TRYING TO USE AN ASSERTIVE
STYLE?
 
• 4. HOW IMPORTANT WAS NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION DURING THE VARIOUS
ROLE PLAYS? EXPLAIN WITH EXAMPLES.